Wednesday, August 3, 2016

You're Not Looking for a New Years' Eve Date...

Let me take a second to remark about how much I love the texts that I get from the East Coast while the show is airing. They're never spoilers, they're just things like, "Are you in the live studio audience tonight? We're looking for you." Or "Where is Mama Fletcher from? There is very little original Mrs. Fletcher remains. But I'm still interested...."

Update: Mama Fletch a) is from Iran and b) has her PhD. You KNOW higher education is one of my love languages!

CAROLYN: Quick reminder that it was about this time last season, JoJo was on a bathroom floor, questioning her life...

BRYAN: Is that her dad?
GRACE: Yep.
BRYAN: That beautiful bean came out of... that guy?

Jordan's hair right now and Khloe's boxer braids are pretty much the same thing. This Thailand air isn't helping out Jordan's tuft, and I can't get over it.

JOJO: We make fun of each other.
JORDAN: I'm really crazy and I love embarrassing people. I got these hats. They're super embarrassing. Put them on and be embarrassed.
Jordan knows the OWNERRR

JoJo's mom actually made a GREAT point about Jordan being too similar to JoJo in a life-of-the-party kind of way. I also love her point about the "curtain" in front of JoJo, that prevents her from listening to reason. I'm serious. This mom is great. English is not her first language and she's got a whole lotta botox up in there, but she's mightily insightful.

Can we talk about when Jordan was leaving and JoJo said "It went so good!" And giving him a THUMBS UP?!
1) Don't get me started on her improper use of an adjective, to describe how the day went - DON'T.
2) THAT'S what she had to say to him? That's it? I can think of sixty nine MILLION other things to say to someone as they're leaving a first time meeting with my family.


Robby has been waiting to ask JoJo's dad for her hand in marriage since he told her he loved her. Which, just a quick recap: WAS FIVE SECONDS INTO KNOWING HER. So he was ready to propose to her on their first date.

Very fortunately, our televisions were graced ONCE AGAIN by the Dallas real estate tycoon ADONIS that is JoJo's brother, Ben. Reflecting on Jordan, he told her: "You're not looking for someone to be your New Year's Eve date...

BEN PATTON I NEED YOU TO MARRY ME SO HARD I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT.

Look, Robby is a woman, and we all know it, but I don't hate his speech to JoJo's dad, right now. He knocked that one out of the PARK. And this is the first time in a long time that a family has been very vocal about which guy they prefer. Interesting.

This conversation between JoJo and her parents right now is so stressful to me. And I think it's because this is how pretty much any family dinner goes at the Douglas house. I just say a bunch of impulsive things and everyone quietly points out that I'm being trigger happy and unreasonable and I just yelp at them in high pitched tones and then clutch the family dog like she's my only friend.

Kind of like this.... 

I will give this one to Robby: Even his post-ocean hair is, as the kids would say: "on fleek."

I will also give Robby the speech that he gave JoJo about the future that he has planned for them. Well, until we found out that there were kids involved. The meatloaf isn't going to be burning because they're lost in bliss, it's going to be burning because you don't even know what day of the week it is when there are toddlers in the house. But really the only thing I think about this spiel is: he's an actor. Only actors can come up with detailed jargon like that. JoJo then gets teary because she trusts Robby so much....
Oy vey. 
Then Robby's whole presentation of the photos is... painful. We all know where this is going. This is pretty much Robby on the bathroom floor right now. That is the level of agony that this is giving me.


Jordan and JoJo's tense discussion on the beach shore is... a tense discussion. Neither party is articulating their thoughts clearly, which is VERY emotionally stressful to me. Look, we all know Jordan is a bigger tool than Chris Harrison. But I will give him this ONE morsel of credit: there is a level of entitlement that the lead always seems to have on this show, and I think that was part of his excuse for not asking for Papa Fletcher's blessing. (Besides the fact that it was LITERALLY the only cog the producer's could throw into the wheel) Every season, it's like the lead has this sense that they are ENTITLED to a love profession, no matter what. And you know what? Im'ma have to slightly side with Jordan on this one. Sure, I think he should have asked for her Dad's blessing, or maybe had a better answer for JoJo. (she told us that it would apparently be acceptable for him to say he "forgot," but that's neither here nor there) But she kept telling him that he should be ready to get down on one knee "no matter what" and honestly? I don't think it's entirely unfair for a human being to want a little assurance, before asking someone for eternity. (Granted, we all know they will last for SIXTEEN seconds, but STILL.) Ok. I think that rant is over (for now)

Jordan has said so many nonsensical things in the past twenty minutes that I don't even know what to say. Speaking of nonsense: can someone do me a huge favor and find Josh Murray's proposal to Andi? Cause it was the most scripted thing I've ever seen. I tried to find it to send to Johnny the other day but it's not anywhere online. Ben's proposal to Lauren was pretty canned, but Josh's proposal to Andi was 100% read on cue cards behind her shoulder and it was AMAZING.

YOU GUYS LOOK AT ROBBY'S HAIR IN THE SHOWER RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE MY LIFE. Seriously does he use superglue?

Jordan's mirror face was too much.... His discussion of love for her while he was lint rolling his jacket.... I'm done.

Ok I typed that thing about the mirror face, and now we're watching Robby drive away in the rejection SUV... I have typed ZERO comments in the meantime because that whole thing was so agonizing.

You know what else is agonizing? Jordan and JoJo's engagement. Seriously the only silver lining is the entertainment that we'll get, seeing what kind of vendors they peddle on Instagram. But also I can't really be bothered because Bachelor in Paradise starts tomorrow and you KNOW how I feel about that show.

Obviously the most notable thing about the AFTR is.... Robby's teeth. And the fact that my Bachelor blogging idol, Lincee Ray remarked that Robby was styled by MacKenzie Childs... Which is DEEPLY accurate.

Countdown til the break up and til America's new favorite war vet becomes the next Bachelor!

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...


Monday, July 25, 2016

And Now I'm Skewered...

Well I was expecting to see Luke on the screen when we turned on the TV and instead, I saw Bernie. Not mad. But definitely had a moment of panic and outrage that Bernie would be taking away from our time with that Dallas Fabulous blue aluminum foil dress at the rose ceremony…

Blah blah, Luke tells JoJo he’s in love with her, she cries, she gives roses to Jordan, Robby and Chase. Luke will be a great bachelor. I’m not really that concerned. But a definite shout out to the production designer that was in charge of this airplane hangar – down to the suitcase on which the roses sat. JoJo is crying about sending Luke home, but we all know she’s crying because she can’t breathe in that dress. She hugged him. Then adjusted her hair.

BRYAN: Why would she pick Chase over him?
CAROLYN: Why would she pick the woman over him?
LUKE: You didn’t... want me anymore…
GRACE: MY HEART IS BREAKING.

Ok, here’s my theory: she knows she’s gonna pick Jordan and she wants to make her options easier. We all know she’s gonna pick Jordan. How much easier would it be to say goodbye to Luke NOW than say goodbye later?

CHRIS HARRISON: we have a special two night event coming up…

BRYAN: Pretty soon this is gonna be 24-7. “Coming up on our FIVE NIGHT EVENT…” 

Overnight Date: Robby

I finally found an accurate gif for my feelings about the Robbster:
I didn't add the Spongebob guy... 
Robby and JoJO make out in Thailand. they get foot massages, they make out.... To quote Shakespeare's Cleopatra: HAVE YOU DONE YET

WE ARE AT THE FANTASY SUITE DATES AND SHE IS STILL TALKING ABOUT BEN. 
(PS, did you guys see how Ben was going to run for office in Colorado? Apparently Disney pulled the plug on the whole thing. Said they didn't want him in politics. But that's just some hearsay, soooo...) 

Robby pulls a note out that his Dad snuck into his back pocket.... Does anyone else see issues with this? Why was his dad sneaking around his rear end? THAT IS A LEGITIMATE QUESTION RIGHT NOW. 

I'm also weirded out by him calling her "Joelle" in these interviews. 

There is something SO wrong about their relationship. Also there's something SO wrong about their discussion of having relations in the fantasy suite?! That was TMI. 

Overnight Date: Jordan  

JoJo tells us that she and Jordan are doing something active and sweaty today.... You know how I feel about sweat on The Bachelor: it is NOT real. Look at her dainty little ponytail. It's all lies.  

JORDAN: I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
JOJO: That's what Ben said. 

Seriously she could've just said "I've heard that before." There was ZERO need to mention Ben. 

JoJo has six thousand and ten reservations about Jordan. She tries to tell him said reservations. And he spouts off a lot of nonsense. AND I've just realized that he is wearing a t-shirt and a blazer. 
The door is THAT way... 
I can't help but grimace every time they kiss. 

JoJo turns into the biggest scum in Bachelorette history by telling Jordan "This is our first breakfast together" JUST LIKE SHE TOLD ROBBY. 

Overnight Date: Chase

Guys, I really don't hate Chase on this date right now. Like, if a guy wants to hold up a dead fish and make it talk to me in a character voice, I'll swoon on the spot. I'm not kidding. Is it the jet lag? Where has this Chase been this entire season? Oh wait, I forgot about that huge tattoo up his entire side. Kind of a deal breaker, but I love that goofy fish voice and gestures that he makes up for monkeys not to mimic... 

Oh boy. Robby just showed up. Is she gonna pull a Ben Higgins on Caila and send him home? Oh no. Apparently not. But he mentioned "country clubs and coloring books" and I don't know what to say about it. Cause I love those things, but they're not a foundation of a life. 

Back on the date, in his emotional speech to JoJo, Chase's eyebrows DID seem to move a little bit. I feel like she's going to send him home. She gives him the fantasy suite date card and he says that he's in love with her and he's willing to carry that for her AND WE ALL KNOW SHE'S GOING TO SEND HIM HOME. He tells her he doesn't want to be in a world without her and that he loves her and just....



JoJo trying to send him home and he isn't taking it well. Heck, I'M not taking it well. Something about emotional Chase is giving me Ryan Gosling SHE IS LITERALLY CHASING HIM DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING ABOUT LIFE. 

GRACE: What is this horrible rose ceremony romper she's wearing right now? It's like, Myrtle Beach Bike Week...Wretched Town Awful Face.
BRYAN: Grace, that's really aggressive, How about a "Wednesday Catalina Wine Mixer?" 
GRACE: Ok, Robby. But Myrtle Beach Bike Week is a thing of my childhood and will 100% be in my memoir. Just ask Big Daddy. #Dougwood.

Chase came back. To say sorry. And make one last plea for America to accept him as The Bachelor. But boy doesn't hold a candle to Luke. Chase is gonna find love with that monkey that was following him. I'm not worried.  

She gave the roses to Robby and Jordan. I'm bored.

I'm gonna be honest: it will take me a while to get to the MTA. I just wanna be honest with you all and put my heart out there, much like Chase when I tell you that it might take some time to get my commentary posted for tomorrow's episode. But you guys know how much I love the MTA...

In the wake of my Bike Week rant, I will leave you with the closing jokes from the Living Room Peanut Gallery:

"Grace, I swear you took that too far... Look at this trailer park, back woods, hood rat, Irish-Spring-usin' aquamarine-bathroom-tile-ownin' one-passenger-speaker-workin' GROSS GREEN ROMPER...


If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Hometown Dates

Listen, I’m just gonna run this like a church service and take these first few minutes to do some announcements:

1) You guys know I’m not big on political statements. I don’t like to feign expertise on anything and I don’t like unnecessary soapboxes, but in light of the recent events, I feel obligated to share that: YOU GUYS, I SAW INDEPENDENCE DAY 2: RESURGENCE, this weekend. I have several thoughts:

          a. Jeff Goldblum is aging like a fine wine.

          b. Once he shaved his beard, Bill Pullman was aging like a sufficiently OK wine. (Huge fan of his. For life)

          c. Surprising no one, Big Daddy’s first question: “OMG how was Sela Ward as the female president?” You know that man loves a fierce female protagonist.

          d. It’s a shame – a SHAME that Will Smith wasn’t in that movie.

          e. Vivica Fox had a nice appearance. She’s a doctor, twenty years later. A stripper turned doctor. God bless America.

2) Special shoutout to a one Andy Theiss, who answered my query: "hay is in the barn" means that "the work is done" (the hay has been reaped, etc) YOU CAN NEVER KNOW ENOUGH TRIVIAL INFORMATION...

3) I have but ONE comment about the RNC. Is anyone else aware of the fact that the wife of the vice presidential nominee has a business selling TOWEL CHARMS? I really don't want to dignify any political presence by speaking any more about it, but there are these little charms that you attach to your beach towels, because apparently mixing up beach towels is a THING, and she sells them.


MOVING ON:

Highlands Ranch, CO: Chase

Chase is really concerned that JoJo has never heard the word “divorce” before. Chase and I do not share this concern. He and JoJo laid a crappy TJ Maxx Homegoods blanket on a rock over a semi-mediocre view and he tried to teach her the word “dee-vorce.”

We also find out that Chase owns an actual house. (He is apparently still renovating the staircase.) Even though his face does NOT move, Chase is a HOMEOWNER, ladies and gentlemen, be still my heart.


CHASE: My time with JoJo has been… out of this world.

CAROLYN:

(Carolyn said nothing here. She just gave me a look. It said it all.)

CHASE: (to his dad) Why didn’t your relationship work with my mom?

GRACE: NOW IS NOT THE TIME, CHASE! 



Sheesh. The producers are barring no holds on the emotional trauma that they're stirring up this season.

The way that Chase and his dad say each other’s name frequently in conversation is weird to me. The only time I throw in the use of my parents’ names is when my Dad says things like “Oh I love Hillsong music. If you go to The Youtube and Google it, it will come right up.”

“Daaaaad, you can’t say things like that…” Otherwise it’s just kind of weird. Anyone else pick up on that?

No idea why Chase’s mom is wearing a sweat suit to a family dinner, but I’ll let it happen. She tries to assure JoJo that despite divorce, Chase is an example of survival of the fittest and he has evolved JUST fine. Then Chase and his sister sit down for the MOST dull and basic conversation about the word “love” that I’ve ever heard. Is this date over yet? Oh wait. He hasn’t spoken to his mom yet and we haven’t seen that tear on his face that we saw in the promos... Ok ok, hold on... I don’t hate his relationship with his mom. They’re obviously extremely close and it isn’t weird like it usually is when these people are super close to their parents....

Conclusion: this has been, by far and away, the most emotional day of Chase’s entire life.



Jordan’s hometown: Don’t even know where it is, don’t even care.

This high school trek is way too much for me and I can’t even stand it. He shoves her into a bookshelf and they make out. One of the PA’s was responsible for putting up pictures of high school Jordan on a wall collage.

Ten points for the Production Assistants...
I'm so over the high school date. It didn't work for Farmer Chris and Jade, didn't work for Caila and Ben, SO OVER IT.

I like Mama Rodgers. JoJo is trying desperately to get to the bottom of the Aaron Saga, mostly because we all know: she wants to be BFF with Olivia Munn. (Don’t we all?)

WHAT IS THIS “FALLOUT" OF WHICH THEY SPEAK?!?!

I really want Jordan’s mom to lead my Bible study or something. She seems so great.

CAROLYN: I love his mom… Oh gosh… I love him… I love him!

GRACE: DON’T.

CAROLYN: Hold me back!

JORDAN: If I’m gonna get on one knee, I want to work for the rest of my life at our relationship.

GRACE: Carolyn, put on your ear muffs.

CAROLYN: But I love him! How could you not?



St. Augustine: Robby

You guys know how I feel about it. Robby is a woman. Did you see him clasp his hands under his chin when he saw JoJo? Or talk about how the horse was “so pretty?”

Shoutout to Kimberly and Justin for sharing these sentiments... 



I’m gonna go out on a limb here and let you guys know something: I haven’t loved JoJo’s Dallas Fabulous attire this season. It’s been way too much for me. I’M SORRY, I SAID IT. But I’m loving this romper that she’s wearing on the Robby date. Might be the only ok thing about this whole day, cause that salmon colored shirt is NOT doing it for me...

JoJo is concerned about the timeline of Robby’s breakup. I’m concerned about a lot of other things, but I don’t even really know where to begin, so sure JoJo, let's put our energy into pursuing information about his ex-girlfriend.

I’m confused about why RoJo is bringing 95 presents into the Hayes house, for their visit. I think it’s sketchy that his dad says to call him “Coach,” but other than that, I don’t hate his family.

Bored by this conversation with his brothers. They all love the open button down shirt. Really loving Robby’s mom right now. Especially how she is up on the gossip with Robby’s ex. She probably got caught up on it at the last ItWorks party that she hosted. Robby pulls JoJo aside and says, “My ex-girlfriends roommate says I'm not here for the right reasons.” 

Can't make this stuff up... 


That verbal gem was followed by: "we got in a blow up fight and she slapped me.” That might be the biggest lie Robby has ever told in his life. Definitely on this show.
Final thoughts: I bet Robby smells really good. I bet he wears Dolce and Gabbana and she just falls at his feet any time she smells his musk.

…oh, nobody else experiences that? 

Conclusion: LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, JOJO

Texas: Meth Luke

Half the state of Texas came out for this hometown date and I don't even know what to say about it.

Alright. I’m on the Meth Luke train. He’s officially my top choice. I wanted to like his Mom more. She said five words and I didn’t care what they were. She would show up to Robby's Mom's ItWorks party, drink wine, eat cheese, say nothing and buy nothing. But now that I type that, I think it makes me respect her more. So I'll now point out that so far, the fictional life I have mapped out for Luke's mom is a pretty respectable one. I like his Dad, though. Simple man, but a good man.

Thank Goodness JoJo mounting the horse with Luke was more graceful than the one in Argentina. 
This gif will never be old. 

I don’t really care much about Luke talking about day dreams right now, but I’m INTO this magic hour lighting, BIG TIME. Don’t care about the candles and heart shaped roses, but I am LOVING Dan + Shay playing in the background right now.

This airport hanger is GREAT. JoJo obviously can't breathe in this Dallas Fabulous blue aluminium foil dress. Then she tells us she’s going to send Luke home. WHAT. WHATTTTT.This is a genuinely candid picture that was snapped, during that moment: 



Devin was trying to fix the cable modem and I apparently held this posture long enough for him to snap a photo. And as if that weren't enough, THEN LUKE STARTED TO TELL HER THAT HE LOVES HER. It was at this point that I think I started grabbing Devin's shirt sleeve and more or less shoving him against the arm of the couch (does anyone else do that? All I can do during particularly dramatic or hilarious moments on television is grab the person next to me and start shoving them. I'm basically no worse than Chad.) 

Speaking of Chad: He has been working out at Muscle Beach. I eat lunch by Muscle Beach every day and you better BELIEVE that I've had my eyes peeled for him. I don't believe in self-taken photos, and I REALLY don't believe in taking them with people of notoriety, but you best BELIEVE I'd take one with the Chadster. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

This Bus Would Not Pass Go

To jump right in: the guys sitting around talking about how emotionally stressful last night's rose ceremony was = THIS.














Fact: JoJo's bronzer game is WEAK.

Other facts:
1) Chase in a fantastic beat beatboxer.
2) I'M TELLING YOU: DUDES DOING THINGS IS SO STINKIN' HILARIOUS.

TINA: Who wrote this thing?
JOHNNY: Some sad assistant.

"I like those trees... droopy trees." Oh Alex. Your time here is so limited.

JOHNNY: Alex's attire makes him look like a theme park attendant.
JOJO: Alex looks really good!
JOHNNY: SHUT UP, JOJO!

Meanwhile, back on the farm party bus:

JOHNNY: What is that mystery meat that Robby is eating?
TINA: Chad. He's eating Chad.

JoJo mounting the horse was pretty much how every day of my life goes, so I won't judge...
My life is a whole lotta this.... 


ALEX: You look like a something out of a Ralph Lauren model...


This whole horse whispering thing is... unsettling. I'm kind of into it, but kind of uncomfortable. Ohhhh they're kissing on top of the horse. This is so much. This horse is going to be the next Bachelor, if we're not careful...

ALEX: This is so perfect.
JOJO: It's nice.
JOHNNY: Tomato, tomato.

*Cue Argentinian Serenade...
JOHNNY: I love this song. I wrote this song.
CAROLYN: I wrote this song.
They turned toward each other:
JOHNNY: Which one of us wrote this song?
GRACE: I WILL TURN ON THESE CLOSED CAPTIONS IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP. 

Alex tells JoJo, "I think that you would find happiness with my family." I like this line. Just as Alex was saying this, Johnny started doing his impression of Jane Fellows, Culver City Dance Instructor. I put the remote three centimeters away from his face and threatened AGAIN to turn on the closed captions.

And then JoJo says goodbye to Alex. And I'll give her points for that. And as they walk out, we're getting the swelling strains of my all-time favorite Bachelor reject music. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, ALEX.

Points to production for making his one-on-one time more significant than Jared's, on Kaitlyn's season. Where they drove a small car and kissed a castle.

Then we get to Jordan's second one-on-one...

This guy really doesn't have a single genuine bone in his body. I hate everything about him.

On Jordan:

LUKE: If you have box seats to the Superbowl, you're automatically the front runner.
GRACE: Not in my book, Meth Luke!
TINA: Only if you're a dude. I have never once considered that one.

Everything that Jordan is saying right now is 100% untrue.

Poll: Do you guys like Jordan more, after his spiel about his family? Or less? The Living Room was divided. Tina and Johnny liked him a tiny bit more. Carolyn and I liked him way less. Thoughtz?


Let's face it: we're on a sinking ship here, people. There really isn't a good match for the Jo-ster, in this crowd. MAYBE Meth Luke. Maybe. Chase is too boring, Jordan just wants followers on social media, Robby is a lady, and we all know that she isn't gonna end up with Sweet Baby James. (I have no doubt that he'll find a nice girl. Truly.) But maybe that footage of JoJo breaking down and sobbing in next week's episode is because she is STRAIGHT OUTTA OPTIONS.

MEANWHILE, on Jordan's social media campaign:

GRACE: That slit is HIGH in that skirt.
JOHNNY: LET HER LIVE.
CAROLYN: Geez, Jordan is into these shove-her-into-a-wall kisses.
TINA: They probably just stopped halfway up the stairs because she couldn't go any further up the stairs in that skirt.

Whatever this weird 3 on 1 group date was:

Shout out to a one Christian Garvey who gave me a sensible heads up: "The three on one date is straight out of Great Gatsby when they go to Tom's mistresses' apartment and get drunk."

All I can say is that after Robby strips down and runs around, he is very much intoxicated in his interviews. Like, please stop speaking, Robby, cause you're no longer composing full sentences.

JOJO: Do you think you've moved on, after four years?
ROBBY: Yeah, I've moved on.
LIVING ROOM: You have not.

CHASE: I'm definitely having the emotions of love with JoJo.

Rose went to... Robby.

The Living Room Peanut Gallery hates how much James T has turned into a snitch. I could definitely do without it. But I also think that withstanding his brightly colored Eagle American Flag tattoo, I could VERY easily be the woman that he brings home to Mama and says "THIS IS THE WOMAN YOU'VE WANTED FOR ME."

Meth Luke:

JOHNNY: He's so boring.
GRACE: His hair is so tall.

JoJo's accent gets noticeably thicker whenever she talks to Luke or James. I'm not sure what I think about that.

I CAN tell you that I DO know what I think about Luke commanding this date right now: I am INTO it. I'm pulling for Luke to be the next Bachelor.

Ok guys, straight up: I'm gonna be really open and honest right now, and tell you that I'm falling- JUST KIDDING, I'm not going to tell you that I'm falling in love. I'm going to tell you that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS PHRASE MEANS.... Seriously, what does "hay is in the barn" mean? I'm too tired to really google it and the answers aren't making themselves readily available when I do... Can anyone help me out, here? We've heard it several times this season. I know a LOT of trivial idioms, but I cannot say that I know this one. You know the phrase "raining cats and dogs?" That term originated in Elizabethan England - when it rained really hard, the cats and dogs would roll off the roof, where they were lazing in the sun. The term "sleep tight?" That's because before there were base boards in a bed, ropes had to be tightened under the "mattress," I'm telling you - I know a lot of them. Why is hay in the barn? Has it always been there? Is there a lot of it? Does everyone know it's there? PLZ HALP.

James T is a national treasure. I really want him to be the next Bachelor. I don't think he's going to be. But then Tina very wisely pointed out "Look at Bachelor Bob!"

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

There's Three of Us, But Only Two Can Tango...

First things first: even my own sweet mother needs some reminders:
MOM STOP TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!

Quick shout out to anyone else whose Mom is obsessed with NCIS. This woman has seen every episode. She was devastated by Michael Weatherly's exit. I'm trying to assure her that hope is on the horizon.

Last thing before we get down to business: you guys know I don't like to make broad comments about society or politics, but in light of recent events, it seems inevitable that we need to talk about... CARRIE UNDERWOOD SINGING ABOUT MANSLAUGHTER.

Don't get me wrong. She's a queen. She's a KWEEN. But y'all, "Church Bells" is her THIRD top ten hit that involves manslaughter! ("Blown Away:" the girl leaves her dad upstairs to get sucked up by a tornado. "Two Black Cadillac's:" well HELLO.) What is going on?! I just can't help but wonder if she sits her kid down and explains what it means when she sings "Jenny slipped something in his Tennessee Whiskey/ no law man was ever gonna find..." Anyone else stressed out about this? Either way, now seems as good a time as any to post this ridiculous picture I made for this commentary so long ago that I can't even remember why I made it:
#WhatsUpWithCarrie


MOVING ON...

Previews: we are all so, DEEPLY over Derek. There's nothing to see here, people. Let's move on.

This evening's Living Room Peanut Gallery Members: Carolyn, Bryan, & Tina

JoJo just said the word "funnest." And now she's talking about how traveling with guys makes you feel closer to them.... OH, ARE YOU SITTING WITH THEM ON THE AIRPLANE, JOJO? ARE YOU EXPERIENCING LEGITIMATE TRIALS AND STRUGGLES WITH THEM?


It's the halfway point in the season... JoJo is STILL talking about Ben. (Hey, I'm still talking about Ben, too, but I'm not the one trying to get engaged, over here...)

CAROLYN: Has she said anything funny this season? Has she said a single funny thing? Even Luke, METH LUKE has said something funny. He said the thing about the meat IV. Hilarious.


One on One Date: Wells

So we are reminded that Wells hasn't kissed JoJo. GOOD FOR YOU, WELLS.

There's something to be said for a long game... 


I think producers were just pleased about this because it meant that they had fifteen hours of footage of the guys talking about how he hasn't kissed her...

Devin's sweet girlfriend Cassie was over at this point and during a commercial break I looked at her and said, "CASSIE. I WANT TO CATCH UP WITH YOU, BUT I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS RIGHT NOW IS ME ON THE FLOOR OF THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE AND I'M IN IT TO WIN IT, BUT I PROMISE WE'RE GOING TO CATCH UP.

Thank goodness Wells knows that JoJo is cutting him loose. It's always worse when they don't. The producers have coached JoJo into realizing that time is of the essence and she needs to cut the cord.  I have zero doubt that he'll find a nice girl back home. I think there's a lot of merit to the conversational part of his relationship with JoJo - I wasn't bored senseless during their discussions like I was with EVERY other guy... But I DO think there was way more to the story of his ex-girlfriend than he let on, because otherwise that breakup makes ZERO sense...

We caught a FULL FRONTAL of the production assistant, taking Wells bag away. This kid will be great as The Bachelor 2024.

Group Date: Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, Alex

JoJo is whining about how hard Jordan's stomach is... I'M WHINING ABOUT WHY JAMES ISN'T MY BOYFRIEND. 

I love that Robby tried to pay off the goalie. He wasn't secretive about it and it didn't even work. Hilarious.

I'm going to start a GoFundMe page to get me a date with James T. No idea what that even means, but I'll do it. Watch me.

Luke tried to move JoJo's hair out of the way... And we learn that apparently he's never touched a girl's hair before. JoJo says that her chemistry with Luke is "off the charts"... I'd say he's just a slow kisser. Nothin' wrong with that, but let's call a spade a spade, here.

And now we get to the part where James tells JoJo about Jordan.... I'm glad James has specific examples of Jordan's behavior, but....

He isn't doing himself any favors... 

THIS MOVE NEVER ENDS WELL. WE KNOW THIS. DON'T LET ME DOWN, SWEET BABY JAMES!

Meanwhile, back in the peanut gallery:
BRYAN: Do you like red velvet?
TINA: Everybody likes red velvet. (Chomps into the cake)
CAROLYN: (shoots up from the couch) Did somebody say red velvet? Did you get that at Von's in the two dollar section by the check out aisle?
BRYAN:...no. But clearly someone else is very familiar with that section....

Now we are calling the card game an "altercation" between Jordan and James. The only redeeming thing is that JoJo remarked that Jordan's behavior was "unbecoming." What a great word.
Ohhhh except Jordan just informed us that he doesn't know what "entitled" means.


Jordan's trump card, through gritted teeth: "How does one act entitled when the rules of a game are such?"
BRYAN: I love Jordan's angry face. It doesn't even make any sense.

#LittleRodgers
Am I wrong, or is the only way to settle this thing to get out a rule book? Seriously, if I were JoJo, I'd take out a rule book. Granted, I am without a doubt the most petty person I know, so that probably isn't a good idea, but here's the thing: if the rule is actually a rule, then Jordan was a little more justified in his alleged tone. If it's not, then he wasn't. Simple. CAN THE PRODUCTION ASSISTANT GET THEM A RULE BOOK?!

Also, I'm pretty sure the next time I say "if I were JoJo," what follows will be full-on fanfiction, and I'm mortified, but too entertained to be bothered by it..

Two on One: Chase and a poor man's Jim Halpert

Upon realizing they have the two-on-one:
DEREK: May the best.... connection.... continue.
GRACE:
No thanks. 


Once more: Chase is smokin' hott. But his grammar is ATROCIOUS. I'm very concerned by it. It's seriously a toss up: Chase's grammar, or Carrie Underwood's levity about homicide. Both are equally stressful to me.

Tango is great for connecting and being one with somebody... IF YOU KNOW HOW TO TANGO. 

GRACE: DEREK IS SUCH A TOOL I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE.
TINA: Go back to the Office, Jim!
DEREK: I'm falling for you.
JOJO: I appreciate that!
GRACE: If he says "friggen" one more time...

Chase's face legitimately does not move. Has he had all the botox? I'm so confused. I'm waiting for his face to move to disprove my botox theory. So far it hasn't moved. We then made a fun game of trying to say the most dramatic thing we possibly could, but using a Chase tone, without moving our faces. It's nearly impossible. Try it.

The rose went to Chase. They should've both gone home, honestly.

JOJO (to Derek) I am so sorry.
BRYAN: ...but you have to leave, now...
TINA: I can't put up with your oily dork face for one more minute.
DEREK: Derek is imperfect.
GRACE: Derek will be GREAT on Bachelor in Paradise. I'm not worried.

Derek crying during... "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" is the MOST meta thing that has ever happened in this history of this show. I am overwhelmed.
CAROLYN: This is a song about political unrest. This isn't even appropriate.

Rose Ceremony: 
GRACE: Is that dress from Dillard's? The Juniors section? The Dallas Fabulous Juniors section of Dillard's?
TINA: It's Argentina, she can do what she wants!
CAROLYN: Ok, I could do without the sparkles. I'll give you that.

Jordan knew that saying he wanted to be engaged at the end of this would get him the rose. It was Joe Bailey circa that date with Juelia on Bachelor in Paradise, where he spit out what she wanted to hear so he would get a rose to stay around another week to meet Samantha.

CAROLYN: That shirt isn't doing Alex any favors.
GRACE: None of his clothes are doing Alex any favors.
CAROLYN: (hitting pause) he literally has no neck.
Literally
Roses went to... Robby, Jordan, Alex and Sweet Baby James

The only appropriate way to end this post is to celebrate the golden age of Jim Halpert, with my all time favorite scene from the entire series of The Office.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFRe7mEEdaM

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Monday, June 20, 2016

DEATH TO TYRANTS!

So I had the pleasure of watching with my parents, this week. Which is a throw back to the olden days, when 'twas a simpler time. And by "olden days," I mean: in middle and high school, if I had a late rehearsal, I would make my mom watch and take notes for me so I could stay caught up. Watching online became a thing when I was around a freshman in high school because I definitely remember locking myself in the library during a free period to watch Brad Womack dump BOTH DeAnna and Jenni... Big Daddy kept whining that he didn't want to watch tonight because he "only likes the cat fights...." I explained the ending of the last episode to him and how he needed to watch Chad confront the guys at the beginning of this episode, SO DAD, THERE IS GOING TO BE A CAT FIGHT. 

He reluctantly agreed and took a seat.

Just a few things to address before we begin: did you guys hear about Marcus and Lacey? I'm not calling anyone a prophet, here, but my friend Kimberly and I have been on the hunt with this one for MONTHS now. She texted me back around February about how they had been suspiciously absent from social media... We scoured their pages and comments (ok, Kimberly actually has a life - I scoured the pages and comments) and were very convinced that their marriage might have been a sham. (For those of you who are just joining us: this was a couple that got married on the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise last summer. Speaking of "just joining us:" quick shout out to the Sanders family. I'm pretty sure the burst of pride that a teacher feels when one of their students starts excelling in the classroom is the same pride I felt at hearing "We started watching the show because of your hilarious blog." My own father doesn't understand my love for this train wreck of a show, so I'm always DELIGHTED to hear of a fan, near or far.) BUT YOU GUYS, APPARENTLY MARCUS AND LACEY HAVE NOT ONLY SPLIT UP, THEIR MARRIAGE WAS NEVER REAL!

So is marriage, apparently. 

MOVING ON:

Ugh. Dudes playing guitars and chucking protein powder in the air and throwing cupcakes into people’s faces is EVERYTHING to me. I’m sorry to be a sexist, but girls doing this stuff just isn’t as funny to watch.

There was 100% ZERO point to Chad coming back and talking to the guys. Apparently Erectile Evan had done enough shots to have the courage to ask Chad to open his wallet, but that impulse was quickly squashed. Regardless: I cannot WAIT for Chad on Bachelor in Paradise.

Rose Ceremony:

Chase and those inflatable balls… Great... Next, please? Chase is smokin’ hott, buuuut... that’s pretty much it.

Robby and the fountain wish: I DO NOT care and CANNOT be bothered.

JoJo has learned that if she taps the outer corner of her eye after a potentially emotional moment, the audience will find her to be sympathetic. (Can I take a second to whine about her eyelashes? Who is doing the eyelashes this season? Because they are GARBAGE. RACHEL GALEY WHERE YOU AT??) I don't hate this poem from James F right now, but we all know he's going home. (Quick side note: I follow a high number of moms on Instagram. Sorry I'm not sorry. Therefore even more moms show up on my "Discover" pane, that I look at when I get bored. I saw a post from a mom on there that I babysit for here in LA and two of the first likes were from Grant and James F! I was about to text her and be like, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM TELL ME EVERYTHING" but then I realized... she used "#bachelorette" in her post, because it was her little sister's bachelorette party... So these poor dudes are trolling social media and hitting the like button in order to gain followers. Crazy Olivia from Ben's season liked one of my photos the other day that used "#BachelorNation." I dare you guys to try using one of those hashtags in a post and see what happens. Cause we all know if they get enough followers, they'll get paid to start peddling Flat Tummy Tea, soooooo....)

I’ve already spoken to Granny and Big Daddy about how I’m bringing James T. home to meet them. Big Daddy says he looks like a loser, but I keep telling him it's just the black eye. 

Good ole Jordan backed JoJo into a wall and laid one on her. Katie Bocksel shares my sentiment that Arie still holds the number one spot for a back-her-into-a-wall kiss, but Big Daddy was not impressed with this move: “Ewww. She is a slut. That black nail polish sucks."

Gran and Big Daddy were also delighted to see C. Harrison: “Oh there’s The Tool!” they both said.   
Fun fact: about ten years ago, we taught Big Daddy what the word “tool” meant by pointing him to Chris Harrison. "You know, he doesn't really have a job, but he's on hand to show up if he needs to? That's a tool."

During the rose ceremony, Big Daddy stood up and started walking out of the room. I said, "Dad, you need to sit back down. I need you to be here for me right now, I need you to support my life." 
BIG DADDY: You mean this isn't almost over?
GRACE: It's been on for fifteen minutes, of course it's not over. Sit down.
BIG DADDY: Well I need to use the toilet.
GRACE: Ok well you can't go until the commercial. And please don't say "use the toilet."  

Roses went to: Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, Sweet Baby James, and Erectile Evan

We said goodbye to: Daniel and James F. I'm sad that James had to go home after that poem. 
...but not that sad. 

BIG DADDY: Grace, The Bachelor makes you take an STD test before you go on there.
GRACE: I need you to stop reading facts from your iPhone and be present for this episode. 

JoJo spouts off some terrible couplet that one of the Bachelorette PAs was bullied into writing and they go to.... Uruguay. Which is close to Paraguay, Sweet Baby James informs us.


I love that Vinny has set up shop at the hotel. Literally. He set up a barber shop. He is scoring so many points with me right now. Also points to the Bachelorette PA that snuck in a copy of "In Touch Weekly."

And I equally love how convinced the guys are that In Touch is a legitimate magazine.

(ps - where was Vinny when Kaitlyn butchered Josh's hair, this time last year?)

One on One Date: Jordan

Ok, let me say a word about Jordan, here. About a year ago, I got really into studying body language. (I go through phases of things that I'm interested in; read a bunch of books, then move on. Current craze right now is graphology: the study of handwriting) I'M NOT AN EXPERT. I wouldn't study a picture of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez and give a definitive analysis to People Magazine. Seriously, someone did that once, and I remember thinking it was cool. Waaaaaaait for it... Here's the picture:
It's all in the eyes...

So reading body language is pretty much as straightforward as you'd think it is, but you learn lot of interesting things along the way. Like how to look for micro expressions and how to look for clusters of behavior (you can't usually read an isolated gesture. It should be accompanied by one or two more, in order to make a definitive call.) I seriously can't believe I'm going into all this right now BUT WHAT I'M GETTING AT is that I noticed several things about Jordan's behavior in his and and JoJo's conversation about his ex-girlfriend...


- Pursed lips: he was literally trying to keep himself from speaking
- Combing his hair: this is called a self-soothing or pacifying gesture: he is trying to keep himself calm
- Scratching his ears: more self-soothing.
- Biting his lips: staving off feelings of anxiety
(side note: the combing of the hair or scratching the neck or ears stimulates nerves which release oxytocin, which has a calming effect. It's an actual thing.)


OH AND NOW JORDAN IS DROPPING THE PASTOR CARD. Even Big Daddy can smell a rat, "He's just talking about his pastor so she'll like him." Thank you, Big Daddy.


Final comment: When JoJo brought up how he said he was falling in love with her, he rolled his eyes when he said "It's true." It was brief. This is what is referred to as a micro expression. If I hadn't been on high alert, I probably would have missed it. But seriously... who rolls their eyes about that stuff??




When confronting Jordan, JoJo tells us that she didn't "want to hear something that would hurt her." 

Way to go, girl. Way to JO. 

I am so bored by this falling out about her ex-boyfriend. We haven't seen an actual tear on her face, through this whole spiel. Oh wait, there's one. Vinny is also trying hard to cry...


Group Date: Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex

Big Daddy has taken to his ePhone (as he calls it) and is reading up, tossing out more facts. 
BIG DADDY: (reading from phone) Do you remember Jake Peeveekna?
GRACE: Dad, it's "Pavelka." 
BIG DADDY: There was a girl who got divorced before she came on his season....
GRACE: Her name was Tenley Molzahn.
BIG DADDY: What about a guy named Craig?
GRACE: He was on Ali Fedotowsky's season. 
BIG DADDY: How about-
GRANNY: Jim you should really just put a sock in it. She's obviously heard of them. Can't stump the chump. Please notice how I've been quiet this whole time cause you know how much Grace hates talking during her TV shows...

SHE GETS ME. 

As the rain pours down on this group date, we see Derek start to implode. We see him suffering from first date syndrome. He gets a sympathy rose, but trust me, this is coming...



One on One Date: Robby 

I am so ROYALLY bored by Robby. He 100% does NOT look like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, right now. That is an abysmal comparison, JoJo. There is nothing spontaneous about him. A producer told him to convince her to jump. Otherwise NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD JUST JUMP OFF A CLIFF INTO POTENTIALLY ROCKY WATER. (shout out to this time last year when Cupcake was on a ledge...) Robby loves JoJo, allegedly. He has known her for... a month? I'm so torn. Because I say "I love you" all the time, everywhere, we've been over this:


So half of me gets it. And while we all know I could never be on this show because I wouldn't be able to wear a visor during the out door interviews, I just want to say that if I WERE on the show, it would take a lot more than three roses to garner an "I love you." That's it - it's not the amount of time that I find alarming, it's the amount of quality moments spent together (or lack thereof) that I find to be appalling.

Blah blah blahhh I'm so bored by these two. Robby's Mom cries at every movie. So does JoJo's. Know what else JoJo's mom does?

Nailed it. 


And you KNOW that Robby was high fiving himself in the bathroom as he concocted this speech where he tells her he loves her. He talked about the death of his best friend, how he doesn't want to hide anything from her...


Aaaaand then he did this:

I am DONE.

Derek pulls aside Robby, Jordan, Alex and Chase and tells them that they have a clique. So apparently the In Touch Weekly drama wasn't enough, the producer's had to drum up EVEN more, so they egged Derek into calling these guys out. I couldn't possibly care any less. Except I like how Wells remarked that it was a move of valor. Thank you for elevating the vocab level here, Wells Fargo. 

Dear Evan, you will never be a front runner. Love, America

Roses went to: Luke, Chase, Alex, James, and Wells

Said goodbye to Vinny, Erectile Evan and Grant

Vinny is the 100% best contestant alive for Bachelor in Paradise. Can't wait. Also can't wait for Chad at the Men Tell All....

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

Monday, June 13, 2016

THIS IS FOR AMERICA











First things first: Johnny and I watched the season premiere of UnReal, before we watched this second episode on Tuesday. If you're not watching that show then you ABSOLUTELY must stop what you're doing rightthissecond and go watch it. And while we obviously love him for a wealth of reasons other than this, I am going to let you know that half the cast of that show knows Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny Langan. He won't be signing autographs at this time.

Picking up where we left off: Pool Party.

This is how I feel about pool parties:
Like, could we not?
JoJo driving up to the mansion in this car is reminding me of that wretched montage we had to sit through with Dez. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I HATED DEZ. Then I'm reminded of how that guy Ben "stole Dez away" for a car ride that one time (before another stupid pool party) and lied to the guys about it. Then later that same guy Ben had to go on a two-on-one that was in a LEGIT "hot tug." It was a hot tub. Pulled by a tug boat. And then when I think about how much of a mess that was, I'm reminded of that time after Bachelor Pad that Blakeley and Tony got engaged, but aren't together anymore and now...



Ok, ok, I'm back, Pool parties. Right. Listen, all I really want to do in life is float on a swan with James T... Is that too much to ask?

I'm ok with the fact that JoJo wants to lay low and have an un-cocktail party, but BOY are her roots looking ROUGH right now, as she's talking to Jordan... I'M JUST STATING THE OBVIOUS.

Chad somehow compares himself and Evan to make it sound like someone is choosing restaurants? The metaphors on this season are out of this world and I am loving it. In the past 24 hours we've had Hitler AND Olive Garden...

I wonder what restaurant Mussolini would choose... 


CHAD HAS HAD SO MUCH SUN EXPOSURE TODAY AND I AM SO CONCERNED. Someone get this man a visor.

Once Chad sought shelter under the roof of the mansion, he ended up talking to Derek and DEREK JUST SLAYED THIS CONFRONTATION. I would send Derek back into a burning house. He was so basic in my book right until this moment.
Pam who? GET INTO IT, IT'S HAPPENING.

SEND THAT MAN INTO A BURNING HOUSE, I SAY! Whatta guy. He didn't accuse, but he had specific examples to back himself up - I'm not even a counselor but DARN that boy is every counselor's dream student...

Roses went to: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F. Vinny (Johnny was so happy. He relentlessly roots for the basic underdogs) Daniel, Alex, and Chad

We said goodbye to: Christian, James F, Ali and Nick. Good luck with that unemployment, Ali!

Side note: I have big hopes for Chad on Bachelor in Paradise. I REALLY wanna see him up against Clare Crawley (CAN YOU IMAGINE?!) but I'll still take a Chad and Lace any day of the week.
#Chase #Lad

We go to... Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. I'm guessing it was cheap. Don't know why else they would.

One on One: Luke

Johnny has come to refer to him as "Meth Luke... He really just looks like he's done lots and lots of meth."

I'm already thrown off by the fact that we don't see the two of them walking up to one another, or her schmaltzy explanation of what they're doing on the date, but they just launch right into this go kart iditarod thing that's happening...

Then oh, wouldn't you know? Meth Luke has to chop wood to get the hot tub working... Except apparently it was already working and is giving JoJo second degree burns... Obviously the only thing I have to say about getting into a HOT hot tub is... This is me:
All the sweating. 

Quick observation: Luke's teeth are not real. But thank you for your service, Luke.

Why won't he look her in the eye right now? Is it because his skin is falling off due to massive underwater burns?

Don't get me wrong - DO NOT get me wrong (I'm also a little jaded after watching the episode of UnReal about five seconds ago) Luke is telling an emotional story... But he isn't emotional... At all.
JOHNNY: I hate him.
GRACE: He served our country!
JOHNNY: And his voice sounds like acid rain... He looks good on camera. But he's dead inside.

Quick memo: you guys, I love Dan and Shay so much. They have ALL the harmony and I live for it.

Group date: Derek James T Daniel Chase Wells Vinny James F Evan Grant Jordan Robby

VINNY : There's Ben Rothlisburger... (Did I spell his name correctly? I don't even care)
GRACE : There's Ben Rothlisburger... an ACTUAL caveman.

I'm loving JoJo's subsequent conversation with Ben Hamburgler about the guys... It's a lot more candid than say, Emily Maynard's half conversation about Arie with Dolly Parton... (I don't know why this particular commentary has so many throwbacks, but I'm so into it...)

So Sweet Baby James T gets hit pretty hard... and now he's talking about not wanting stitches ... While looking like an ACTUAL mummy...



I am made even more uncomfortable by Erectile Evan's presence, in life. Shoutout to my friend Catherine, real estate Bachelor genius, who remarked that she could tell me the condo complex where Erectile Evan lived, because it was made very obvious during his intro video... Which raises my respect for Catherine... And lowers it for EE. Obviously if James T lived in a recognizable condo complex, it would be a completely different story. I'll own my double standards any day of the week.

The blue team won (or was it the white team? Don't care.) There was an after party. May we NEVER forget the awkward post-game party that Tierra awkwardly crashed, on Sean Lowe's season... Robby awkwardly hefted JoJo up on a pool table, just now. I'm bored. I want to nurse James back to health.

JoJo tells Jordan that he's "hard to read." What she really means is that he's not giving her enough affirmation. Still bored. He gets the rose.

JoJo LOVES messing with dude hair. Which is probably 50% due to her, and 50% due to the wimpy undercut thing that's in, right now.

INTO THE WOODS, ONE STAYS, ONE GOES.

It's like Luke has some kind of immunity, and doesn't care about the stakes of ANY of his questions to Chad. He fearlessly asks him about being antagonized and I am into it. 

Jordan: This isn't only for Alex, this is for America
Johnny: ....Ferrera! It's for America Ferrera!

That single rose on the wood shaving right now:

Put on some crocs and JUST GIVE UP cause this show is the best
Ugh WHEN will someone realize that they need to make it about the COUPLE on the two-on-one! Alex, make it about you two, not about Chad! (But totally make it about Chad, because we LOVE The Chadlorette) Also quick shout-out to Alex for conjuring up the term "YOU ARE A MELTDOWN," to Chad, a few weeks ago. I have yelled that to no less than fifty people in Los Angeles traffic since then and I feel GREAT about it...

I'm still mad about the two-on-one on Ashley Herbert's season where that guy Will backstabbed that nice guy who did the flashmob date with Ashley and got him sent home... Give me oneeee moment:
Ben C.  Ben C was his name:
Rest in peace, Ben and Ahsley. Bashley. 
Let me tell you what JoJo's "overwhelming emotion" is about right now: being terrified for her life now that she's sending Chad home.

Chad's stupid whistle is so epic. YOU GUYS I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MEN TELL ALL. Ugh. I love this show to the max.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Be Not So Much like Hitler.... Maybe More Mussolini

Let me just get something off my chest: I joined a gym, you guys. I walked into a Gold's Gym that is close to my office, sat down with the membership guy and said, "Bro, I haven't seen this many meatheads in a room since I was in Miami with half the Jersey Shore..." He gave me a funny smile and said, "Yeah, well, people love to work out here! We've been here since..." 

I come to find out: THIS IS THE ORIGINAL GOLD'S GYM. The Arnold trained there. Pictures of Bruce Jenner and Mr. Olympia line the wall. It is full of bodybuilders and it is Nutso MaGee. I'm obviously only there for the stairmaster, which is actually great, because no one wants to do cardio since they're too busy pumping iron and taking selfies (I'm NOT joking about any of this) but the bottom line: what you saw Chad doing tonight on the Bachelor Mansion patio (where was his sun protection? #VisorLyfe) is what I see ON THE REG. Times a billion. And it's insane. There is a section outside where you can just toss big tractor tires because apparently that's a thing. I get gym culture, but bodybuilding culture is totally foreign to me and I think it is hilarious. One time Big Daddy asked me if I felt intimidated. I said "It would be like me going to a math convention. I can't even compete, so why would I feel any intimidation? There are women at this gym who have arms the size of my LEGS, But the StairMaster is apparently Kryptonite to them, so we exist in perfect harmony..." 

I've seriously been on the lookout for Chad, lately, and will obviously double my security when it comes time to film the Men Tell All

MOVING ON:

Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery Members: Carolyn & Johnny.

It's the morning after the rose ceremony: the guys are hung over. They're dudes. What else is new?

ERECTILE EVAN: If Chad gets a date this week and I don't, I'm going to be so upset.
JOHNNY: ...he's going to be so upset, I'm calling it right now...

One on One Date: Chase

Sweet Baby James reads Chase's name on the date card and Johnny asks "Which one is Chase? They all look the same...." All three of us managed to call Jordan by the name of his brother, Aaron, before Johnny finally realized it... Sorry, Jordan.

OH I'M SURE CHRIS HARRISON WAS THE ONE THAT CLEANED UP THE TOILET PAPER IN FRONT OF THE MANSION. Rest in peace, Will's TP relationship with JoJo...

This yoga instructer Himalaya, or whatever her name is, is a mess. She is very clearly a roommate of one of the producers that happens to be able to do a headstand. She had a break between auditions and you know they just threw her in there and said "Ask them about whether they've had sex and act really weird about it. Talk about chakras." Chase reminds me of Tanner from Kaitlyn's season and I'm kind of into it. (CAN I GET A WITNESS, GEORGE TYLER?!)

Meanwhile, back on the farm at the mansion, Edward Cullen and Troglodyte Chad are in love with each other. Any guesses on how long it will be before Edward Cullen realizes he has made a TERRIBLE choice in his dude alliance in the house?

And there's no way this yoga room is 100 degrees on this date right now. I would be DRENCHED.
This is me working out, ALWAYS
CAN I GET AN AMEN, TRENT SAUNDERS?!
So then they did this thing where they sat on each other's laps, and it was pretty much called this:

Am I wrong?

I don't even know what ChoJo is talking about at dinner right now, Chase is a child of divorce. Love overcomes fear. I'm bored.

GRACE: OMG It's Charles Kelly!
JOHNNY: (Blank look)
GRACE: He's in Lady Antebellum. Brother to Josh Kelly. Brother-in-law to Katherine Heigl.
JOHNNY: Does Josh Kelly sing that song that you made me listen to in Ralph's that one time?
GRACE: Probably. I wouldn't put it past me.


Group Date:
Jordan, Grant, Wells. James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad

THAT STAND OFF BETWEEN ALEX AND CHAD IS SO MUCH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY!


I'm so curious as to what made this such a perfect storm for them to attack each other. We haven't seen a confrontation like this in YEARS. Was it actually late at night and the guys were tired? Had they all been the right amount of overserved and underfed? I'm so curious.

At the theatre, Vinny is very overwhelmed by this date. And honestly, I am too. Having been fed a bowl of superficial soup by producers, JoJo goes on to tell us how she thinks that intimacy is important in relationships. So obviously the greatest way to foster intimacy is to talk about sex in front of strangers.

And I won't even.


IT IS SO HARD FOR ME TO EVEN TAKE NOTES BECAUSE I'M SO OVERWHELMED BY EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENING.

Chad is really upset about the date and is whining to Edward Cullen about it. Johnny pointed out that they weren't given 45 minutes to write a bit, they were given 45 minutes to throw back some drinks.

But actually... 


After that WHOLE thing... Johnny's only remark was "I really hope Vinny doesn't go home."
GRACE: He's already getting a loser edit.
JOHNNY: I love him. Drinking that water. He's so great. Look at that hair cut.
GRACE: SERIOUSLY SHUT UP RIGHT NOW.

JoJo is done listening to Jordan and she tried to shut him up by leaning on his shoulder... but he took zero cues and kept right on talking...

JOHNNY: I just want to know... did they all go to the leather store before this, or didn't they? Still, we should go to wherever this date is happening. I really like this place.
CAROLYN: ...It's probably close to a leather store.

I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING. This continued confrontation between Evan and Chad is too much. I love it all.

JOJO: Evan, will you come with me?
JOHNNY: She's going to help one of the crew members with erectile dysfunction. That's why she pulled Evan aside. "Evan, does this look strange to you?"


One on One: Sweet Baby James

On the Culver Hotel:
CAROLYN: I've been there!
GRACE: Me too!
JOHNNY: Not me. (we see an old lady) Oh wait, yes I have been. There's me, Of course. Dancing with that old woman.

I have never seen Johnny as smitten with anyone in life as smitten as he was with swing dancer Jane.
Correction: Jean. We were so obsessed with her that we did some rewinding and turned on closed captions to figure out that woman's name: Jean Veloz. I'm not kidding when I say "obsessed:"


"Do I look like her?" 

Remember how much I loved Wells last week? THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT JAMES T. THIS WEEK. I THINK JAMES T IS THE MOST CHARMING THING TO TAKE THE TELEVISION SINCE BEN HIGGINS. (Also: shout out to the dancing date that Ben and Kaitlyn had. Maybe I'm just a sucker for charming guys that can't dance.)

Back at the mansion, Edward Cullen is making metaphors about Adolf Hitler and talking about how Chad is "dregging him doon," He later says "negefied," and I don't even know what to say about it. This guy is a gift to television.

Also quick shoutout to Hare's fluffy pink linen shirt, right now. It's pretty perfect.

Oooooooof course it's to be continued.
Womp woooomp... 

Real talk: I don't know when I'm going to get to tomorrow's episode. Please stay tuned. In the meantime, my brother had some un-good advice:




If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 


Update: I'm posting night 2 commentary next week SINCE WE HAVE TO GO A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT THE SHOW.