There's Three of Us, But Only Two Can Tango...

First things first: even my own sweet mother needs some reminders:

MOM STOP TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!

Quick shout out to anyone else whose Mom is obsessed with NCIS. This woman has seen every episode. She was devastated by Michael Weatherly's exit. I'm trying to assure her that hope is on the horizon.

Last thing before we get down to business: you guys know I don't like to make broad comments about society or politics, but in light of recent events, it seems inevitable that we need to talk about... CARRIE UNDERWOOD SINGING ABOUT MANSLAUGHTER.

Don't get me wrong. She's a queen. She's a KWEEN. But y'all, "Church Bells" is her THIRD top ten hit that involves manslaughter! ("Blown Away:" the girl leaves her dad upstairs to get sucked up by a tornado. "Two Black Cadillac's:" well HELLO.) What is going on?! I just can't help but wonder if she sits her kid down and explains what it means when she sings "Jenny slipped something in his Tennessee Whiskey/ no law man was ever gonna find..." Anyone else stressed out about this? Either way, now seems as good a time as any to post this ridiculous picture I made for this commentary so long ago that I can't even remember why I made it:

#WhatsUpWithCarrie

MOVING ON...

Previews: we are all so, DEEPLY over Derek. There's nothing to see here, people. Let's move on.

This evening's Living Room Peanut Gallery Members: Carolyn, Bryan, & Tina

JoJo just said the word "funnest." And now she's talking about how traveling with guys makes you feel closer to them.... OH, ARE YOU SITTING WITH THEM ON THE AIRPLANE, JOJO? ARE YOU EXPERIENCING LEGITIMATE TRIALS AND STRUGGLES WITH THEM?

It's the halfway point in the season... JoJo is STILL talking about Ben. (Hey, I'm still talking about Ben, too, but I'm not the one trying to get engaged, over here...)

CAROLYN: Has she said anything funny this season? Has she said a single funny thing? Even Luke, METH LUKE has said something funny. He said the thing about the meat IV. Hilarious.


One on One Date: Wells

So we are reminded that Wells hasn't kissed JoJo. GOOD FOR YOU, WELLS.

There's something to be said for a long game... 

I think producers were just pleased about this because it meant that they had fifteen hours of footage of the guys talking about how he hasn't kissed her...

Devin's sweet girlfriend Cassie was over at this point and during a commercial break I looked at her and said, "CASSIE. I WANT TO CATCH UP WITH YOU, BUT I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS RIGHT NOW IS ME ON THE FLOOR OF THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE AND I'M IN IT TO WIN IT, BUT I PROMISE WE'RE GOING TO CATCH UP.

Thank goodness Wells knows that JoJo is cutting him loose. It's always worse when they don't. The producers have coached JoJo into realizing that time is of the essence and she needs to cut the cord.  I have zero doubt that he'll find a nice girl back home. I think there's a lot of merit to the conversational part of his relationship with JoJo - I wasn't bored senseless during their discussions like I was with EVERY other guy... But I DO think there was way more to the story of his ex-girlfriend than he let on, because otherwise that breakup makes ZERO sense...

We caught a FULL FRONTAL of the production assistant, taking Wells bag away. This kid will be great as The Bachelor 2024.

Group Date: Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, Alex

JoJo is whining about how hard Jordan's stomach is... I'M WHINING ABOUT WHY JAMES ISN'T MY BOYFRIEND. 

I love that Robby tried to pay off the goalie. He wasn't secretive about it and it didn't even work. Hilarious.

I'm going to start a GoFundMe page to get me a date with James T. No idea what that even means, but I'll do it. Watch me.

Luke tried to move JoJo's hair out of the way... And we learn that apparently he's never touched a girl's hair before. JoJo says that her chemistry with Luke is "off the charts"... I'd say he's just a slow kisser. Nothin' wrong with that, but let's call a spade a spade, here.

And now we get to the part where James tells JoJo about Jordan.... I'm glad James has specific examples of Jordan's behavior, but....

He isn't doing himself any favors... 

THIS MOVE NEVER ENDS WELL. WE KNOW THIS. DON'T LET ME DOWN, SWEET BABY JAMES!

Meanwhile, back in the peanut gallery:
BRYAN: Do you like red velvet?
TINA: Everybody likes red velvet. (Chomps into the cake)
CAROLYN: (shoots up from the couch) Did somebody say red velvet? Did you get that at Von's in the two dollar section by the check out aisle?
BRYAN:...no. But clearly someone else is very familiar with that section....

Now we are calling the card game an "altercation" between Jordan and James. The only redeeming thing is that JoJo remarked that Jordan's behavior was "unbecoming." What a great word.
Ohhhh except Jordan just informed us that he doesn't know what "entitled" means.

Jordan's trump card, through gritted teeth: "How does one act entitled when the rules of a game are such?"

BRYAN: I love Jordan's angry face. It doesn't even make any sense.

#LittleRodgers

Am I wrong, or is the only way to settle this thing to get out a rule book? Seriously, if I were JoJo, I'd take out a rule book. Granted, I am without a doubt the most petty person I know, so that probably isn't a good idea, but here's the thing: if the rule is actually a rule, then Jordan was a little more justified in his alleged tone. If it's not, then he wasn't. Simple. CAN THE PRODUCTION ASSISTANT GET THEM A RULE BOOK?!

Also, I'm pretty sure the next time I say "if I were JoJo," what follows will be full-on fanfiction, and I'm mortified, but too entertained to be bothered by it..

Two on One: Chase and a poor man's Jim Halpert

Upon realizing they have the two-on-one:
DEREK: May the best.... connection.... continue.
GRACE:

No thanks. 

Once more: Chase is smokin' hott. But his grammar is ATROCIOUS. I'm very concerned by it. It's seriously a toss up: Chase's grammar, or Carrie Underwood's levity about homicide. Both are equally stressful to me.

Tango is great for connecting and being one with somebody... IF YOU KNOW HOW TO TANGO. 

GRACE: DEREK IS SUCH A TOOL I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE.
TINA: Go back to the Office, Jim!
DEREK: I'm falling for you.
JOJO: I appreciate that!
GRACE: If he says "friggen" one more time...

Chase's face legitimately does not move. Has he had all the botox? I'm so confused. I'm waiting for his face to move to disprove my botox theory. So far it hasn't moved. We then made a fun game of trying to say the most dramatic thing we possibly could, but using a Chase tone, without moving our faces. It's nearly impossible. Try it.

The rose went to Chase. They should've both gone home, honestly.

JOJO (to Derek) I am so sorry.
BRYAN: ...but you have to leave, now...
TINA: I can't put up with your oily dork face for one more minute.
DEREK: Derek is imperfect.
GRACE: Derek will be GREAT on Bachelor in Paradise. I'm not worried.

Derek crying during... "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" is the MOST meta thing that has ever happened in this history of this show. I am overwhelmed.
CAROLYN: This is a song about political unrest. This isn't even appropriate.

Rose Ceremony: 
GRACE: Is that dress from Dillard's? The Juniors section? The Dallas Fabulous Juniors section of Dillard's?
TINA: It's Argentina, she can do what she wants!
CAROLYN: Ok, I could do without the sparkles. I'll give you that.

Jordan knew that saying he wanted to be engaged at the end of this would get him the rose. It was Joe Bailey circa that date with Juelia on Bachelor in Paradise, where he spit out what she wanted to hear so he would get a rose to stay around another week to meet Samantha.

CAROLYN: That shirt isn't doing Alex any favors.
GRACE: None of his clothes are doing Alex any favors.
CAROLYN: (hitting pause) he literally has no neck.

Literally

Roses went to... Robby, Jordan, Alex and Sweet Baby James

The only appropriate way to end this post is to celebrate the golden age of Jim Halpert, with my all time favorite scene from the entire series of The Office.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFRe7mEEdaM

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...