Let me just get something off my chest: I joined a gym, you guys. I walked into a Gold's Gym that is close to my office, sat down with the membership guy and said, "Bro, I haven't seen this many meatheads in a room since I was in Miami with half the Jersey Shore..." He gave me a funny smile and said, "Yeah, well, people love to work out here! We've been here since..."
I come to find out: THIS IS THE ORIGINAL GOLD'S GYM. The Arnold trained there. Pictures of Bruce Jenner and Mr. Olympia line the wall. It is full of bodybuilders and it is Nutso MaGee. I'm obviously only there for the stairmaster, which is actually great, because no one wants to do cardio since they're too busy pumping iron and taking selfies (I'm NOT joking about any of this) but the bottom line: what you saw Chad doing tonight on the Bachelor Mansion patio (where was his sun protection? #VisorLyfe) is what I see ON THE REG. Times a billion. And it's insane. There is a section outside where you can just toss big tractor tires because apparently that's a thing. I get gym culture, but bodybuilding culture is totally foreign to me and I think it is hilarious. One time Big Daddy asked me if I felt intimidated. I said "It would be like me going to a math convention. I can't even compete, so why would I feel any intimidation? There are women at this gym who have arms the size of my LEGS, But the StairMaster is apparently Kryptonite to them, so we exist in perfect harmony..."
I've seriously been on the lookout for Chad, lately, and will obviously double my security when it comes time to film the Men Tell All.
Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery Members: Carolyn & Johnny.
It's the morning after the rose ceremony: the guys are hung over. They're dudes. What else is new?
ERECTILE EVAN: If Chad gets a date this week and I don't, I'm going to be so upset.
JOHNNY: ...he's going to be so upset, I'm calling it right now...
One on One Date: Chase
Sweet Baby James reads Chase's name on the date card and Johnny asks "Which one is Chase? They all look the same...." All three of us managed to call Jordan by the name of his brother, Aaron, before Johnny finally realized it... Sorry, Jordan.
OH I'M SURE CHRIS HARRISON WAS THE ONE THAT CLEANED UP THE TOILET PAPER IN FRONT OF THE MANSION. Rest in peace, Will's TP relationship with JoJo...
This yoga instructer Himalaya, or whatever her name is, is a mess. She is very clearly a roommate of one of the producers that happens to be able to do a headstand. She had a break between auditions and you know they just threw her in there and said "Ask them about whether they've had sex and act really weird about it. Talk about chakras." Chase reminds me of Tanner from Kaitlyn's season and I'm kind of into it. (CAN I GET A WITNESS, GEORGE TYLER?!)
And there's no way this yoga room is 100 degrees on this date right now. I would be DRENCHED.
|This is me working out, ALWAYS|
CAN I GET AN AMEN, TRENT SAUNDERS?!
So then they did this thing where they sat on each other's laps, and it was pretty much called this:
|Am I wrong?|
I don't even know what ChoJo is talking about at dinner right now, Chase is a child of divorce. Love overcomes fear. I'm bored.
GRACE: OMG It's Charles Kelly!
JOHNNY: (Blank look)
GRACE: He's in Lady Antebellum. Brother to Josh Kelly. Brother-in-law to Katherine Heigl.
JOHNNY: Does Josh Kelly sing that song that you made me listen to in Ralph's that one time?
GRACE: Probably. I wouldn't put it past me.
Jordan, Grant, Wells. James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad
THAT STAND OFF BETWEEN ALEX AND CHAD IS SO MUCH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY!
I'm so curious as to what made this such a perfect storm for them to attack each other. We haven't seen a confrontation like this in YEARS. Was it actually late at night and the guys were tired? Had they all been the right amount of overserved and underfed? I'm so curious.
At the theatre, Vinny is very overwhelmed by this date. And honestly, I am too. Having been fed a bowl of superficial soup by producers, JoJo goes on to tell us how she thinks that intimacy is important in relationships. So obviously the greatest way to foster intimacy is to talk about sex in front of strangers.
|And I won't even.|
IT IS SO HARD FOR ME TO EVEN TAKE NOTES BECAUSE I'M SO OVERWHELMED BY EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENING.
Chad is really upset about the date and is whining to Edward Cullen about it. Johnny pointed out that they weren't given 45 minutes to write a bit, they were given 45 minutes to throw back some drinks.
After that WHOLE thing... Johnny's only remark was "I really hope Vinny doesn't go home."
GRACE: He's already getting a loser edit.
JOHNNY: I love him. Drinking that water. He's so great. Look at that hair cut.
GRACE: SERIOUSLY SHUT UP RIGHT NOW.
JoJo is done listening to Jordan and she tried to shut him up by leaning on his shoulder... but he took zero cues and kept right on talking...
JOHNNY: I just want to know... did they all go to the leather store before this, or didn't they? Still, we should go to wherever this date is happening. I really like this place.
CAROLYN: ...It's probably close to a leather store.
I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING. This continued confrontation between Evan and Chad is too much. I love it all.
JOJO: Evan, will you come with me?
JOHNNY: She's going to help one of the crew members with erectile dysfunction. That's why she pulled Evan aside. "Evan, does this look strange to you?"
One on One: Sweet Baby James
On the Culver Hotel:
CAROLYN: I've been there!
GRACE: Me too!
JOHNNY: Not me. (we see an old lady) Oh wait, yes I have been. There's me, Of course. Dancing with that old woman.
I have never seen Johnny as smitten with anyone in life as smitten as he was with swing dancer Jane.
Correction: Jean. We were so obsessed with her that we did some rewinding and turned on closed captions to figure out that woman's name: Jean Veloz. I'm not kidding when I say "obsessed:"
|"Do I look like her?"|
Remember how much I loved Wells last week? THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT JAMES T. THIS WEEK. I THINK JAMES T IS THE MOST CHARMING THING TO TAKE THE TELEVISION SINCE BEN HIGGINS. (Also: shout out to the dancing date that Ben and Kaitlyn had. Maybe I'm just a sucker for charming guys that can't dance.)
Back at the mansion, Edward Cullen is making metaphors about Adolf Hitler and talking about how Chad is "dregging him doon," He later says "negefied," and I don't even know what to say about it. This guy is a gift to television.
Also quick shoutout to Hare's fluffy pink linen shirt, right now. It's pretty perfect.
Oooooooof course it's to be continued.
Real talk: I don't know when I'm going to get to tomorrow's episode. Please stay tuned. In the meantime, my brother had some un-good advice:
If you're a bird, I'm a bird...
Update: I'm posting night 2 commentary next week SINCE WE HAVE TO GO A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT THE SHOW.