Picking up where we left off: Pool Party.
This is how I feel about pool parties:
|Like, could we not?|
Ok, ok, I'm back, Pool parties. Right. Listen, all I really want to do in life is float on a swan with James T... Is that too much to ask?
I'm ok with the fact that JoJo wants to lay low and have an un-cocktail party, but BOY are her roots looking ROUGH right now, as she's talking to Jordan... I'M JUST STATING THE OBVIOUS.
Chad somehow compares himself and Evan to make it sound like someone is choosing restaurants? The metaphors on this season are out of this world and I am loving it. In the past 24 hours we've had Hitler AND Olive Garden...
|I wonder what restaurant Mussolini would choose...|
CHAD HAS HAD SO MUCH SUN EXPOSURE TODAY AND I AM SO CONCERNED. Someone get this man a visor.
Once Chad sought shelter under the roof of the mansion, he ended up talking to Derek and DEREK JUST SLAYED THIS CONFRONTATION. I would send Derek back into a burning house. He was so basic in my book right until this moment.
|Pam who? GET INTO IT, IT'S HAPPENING.|
SEND THAT MAN INTO A BURNING HOUSE, I SAY! Whatta guy. He didn't accuse, but he had specific examples to back himself up - I'm not even a counselor but DARN that boy is every counselor's dream student...
Roses went to: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F. Vinny (Johnny was so happy. He relentlessly roots for the basic underdogs) Daniel, Alex, and Chad
We said goodbye to: Christian, James F, Ali and Nick. Good luck with that unemployment, Ali!
Side note: I have big hopes for Chad on Bachelor in Paradise. I REALLY wanna see him up against Clare Crawley (CAN YOU IMAGINE?!) but I'll still take a Chad and Lace any day of the week.
We go to... Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. I'm guessing it was cheap. Don't know why else they would.
One on One: Luke
Johnny has come to refer to him as "Meth Luke... He really just looks like he's done lots and lots of meth."
I'm already thrown off by the fact that we don't see the two of them walking up to one another, or her schmaltzy explanation of what they're doing on the date, but they just launch right into this go kart iditarod thing that's happening...
Then oh, wouldn't you know? Meth Luke has to chop wood to get the hot tub working... Except apparently it was already working and is giving JoJo second degree burns... Obviously the only thing I have to say about getting into a HOT hot tub is... This is me:
|All the sweating.|
Quick observation: Luke's teeth are not real. But thank you for your service, Luke.
Why won't he look her in the eye right now? Is it because his skin is falling off due to massive underwater burns?
Don't get me wrong - DO NOT get me wrong (I'm also a little jaded after watching the episode of UnReal about five seconds ago) Luke is telling an emotional story... But he isn't emotional... At all.
JOHNNY: I hate him.
GRACE: He served our country!
JOHNNY: And his voice sounds like acid rain... He looks good on camera. But he's dead inside.
Quick memo: you guys, I love Dan and Shay so much. They have ALL the harmony and I live for it.
Group date: Derek James T Daniel Chase Wells Vinny James F Evan Grant Jordan Robby
VINNY : There's Ben Rothlisburger... (Did I spell his name correctly? I don't even care)
GRACE : There's Ben Rothlisburger... an ACTUAL caveman.
I'm loving JoJo's subsequent conversation with Ben Hamburgler about the guys... It's a lot more candid than say, Emily Maynard's half conversation about Arie with Dolly Parton... (I don't know why this particular commentary has so many throwbacks, but I'm so into it...)
So Sweet Baby James T gets hit pretty hard... and now he's talking about not wanting stitches ... While looking like an ACTUAL mummy...
I am made even more uncomfortable by Erectile Evan's presence, in life. Shoutout to my friend Catherine, real estate Bachelor genius, who remarked that she could tell me the condo complex where Erectile Evan lived, because it was made very obvious during his intro video... Which raises my respect for Catherine... And lowers it for EE. Obviously if James T lived in a recognizable condo complex, it would be a completely different story. I'll own my double standards any day of the week.
The blue team won (or was it the white team? Don't care.) There was an after party. May we NEVER forget the awkward post-game party that Tierra awkwardly crashed, on Sean Lowe's season... Robby awkwardly hefted JoJo up on a pool table, just now. I'm bored. I want to nurse James back to health.
JoJo tells Jordan that he's "hard to read." What she really means is that he's not giving her enough affirmation. Still bored. He gets the rose.
JoJo LOVES messing with dude hair. Which is probably 50% due to her, and 50% due to the wimpy undercut thing that's in, right now.
INTO THE WOODS, ONE STAYS, ONE GOES.
It's like Luke has some kind of immunity, and doesn't care about the stakes of ANY of his questions to Chad. He fearlessly asks him about being antagonized and I am into it.
Jordan: This isn't only for Alex, this is for America
Johnny: ....Ferrera! It's for America Ferrera!
That single rose on the wood shaving right now:
|Put on some crocs and JUST GIVE UP cause this show is the best.|
I'm still mad about the two-on-one on Ashley Herbert's season where that guy Will backstabbed that nice guy who did the flashmob date with Ashley and got him sent home... Give me oneeee moment:
Ben C. Ben C was his name:
|Rest in peace, Ben and Ahsley. Bashley.|
Chad's stupid whistle is so epic. YOU GUYS I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MEN TELL ALL. Ugh. I love this show to the max.
If you're a bird, I'm a bird...