THIS IS FOR AMERICA

First things first: Johnny and I watched the season premiere of UnReal, before we watched this second episode on Tuesday. If you're not watching that show then you ABSOLUTELY must stop what you're doing rightthissecond and go watch it. And while we obviously love him for a wealth of reasons other than this, I am going to let you know that half the cast of that show knows Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny Langan. He won't be signing autographs at this time.

Picking up where we left off: Pool Party.

This is how I feel about pool parties:

Like, could we not?

JoJo driving up to the mansion in this car is reminding me of that wretched montage we had to sit through with Dez. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I HATED DEZ. Then I'm reminded of how that guy Ben "stole Dez away" for a car ride that one time (before another stupid pool party) and lied to the guys about it. Then later that same guy Ben had to go on a two-on-one that was in a LEGIT "hot tug." It was a hot tub. Pulled by a tug boat. And then when I think about how much of a mess that was, I'm reminded of that time after Bachelor Pad that Blakeley and Tony got engaged, but aren't together anymore and now...

Ok, ok, I'm back, Pool parties. Right. Listen, all I really want to do in life is float on a swan with James T... Is that too much to ask?

I'm ok with the fact that JoJo wants to lay low and have an un-cocktail party, but BOY are her roots looking ROUGH right now, as she's talking to Jordan... I'M JUST STATING THE OBVIOUS.

Chad somehow compares himself and Evan to make it sound like someone is choosing restaurants? The metaphors on this season are out of this world and I am loving it. In the past 24 hours we've had Hitler AND Olive Garden...

I wonder what restaurant Mussolini would choose... 

CHAD HAS HAD SO MUCH SUN EXPOSURE TODAY AND I AM SO CONCERNED. Someone get this man a visor.

Once Chad sought shelter under the roof of the mansion, he ended up talking to Derek and DEREK JUST SLAYED THIS CONFRONTATION. I would send Derek back into a burning house. He was so basic in my book right until this moment.

Pam who? GET INTO IT, IT'S HAPPENING.

SEND THAT MAN INTO A BURNING HOUSE, I SAY! Whatta guy. He didn't accuse, but he had specific examples to back himself up - I'm not even a counselor but DARN that boy is every counselor's dream student...

Roses went to: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F. Vinny (Johnny was so happy. He relentlessly roots for the basic underdogs) Daniel, Alex, and Chad

We said goodbye to: Christian, James F, Ali and Nick. Good luck with that unemployment, Ali!

Side note: I have big hopes for Chad on Bachelor in Paradise. I REALLY wanna see him up against Clare Crawley (CAN YOU IMAGINE?!) but I'll still take a Chad and Lace any day of the week.

#Chase #Lad

We go to... Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. I'm guessing it was cheap. Don't know why else they would.

One on One: Luke

Johnny has come to refer to him as "Meth Luke... He really just looks like he's done lots and lots of meth."

I'm already thrown off by the fact that we don't see the two of them walking up to one another, or her schmaltzy explanation of what they're doing on the date, but they just launch right into this go kart iditarod thing that's happening...

Then oh, wouldn't you know? Meth Luke has to chop wood to get the hot tub working... Except apparently it was already working and is giving JoJo second degree burns... Obviously the only thing I have to say about getting into a HOT hot tub is... This is me:

All the sweating. 

Quick observation: Luke's teeth are not real. But thank you for your service, Luke.

Why won't he look her in the eye right now? Is it because his skin is falling off due to massive underwater burns?

Don't get me wrong - DO NOT get me wrong (I'm also a little jaded after watching the episode of UnReal about five seconds ago) Luke is telling an emotional story... But he isn't emotional... At all.
JOHNNY: I hate him.
GRACE: He served our country!
JOHNNY: And his voice sounds like acid rain... He looks good on camera. But he's dead inside.

Quick memo: you guys, I love Dan and Shay so much. They have ALL the harmony and I live for it.

Group date: Derek James T Daniel Chase Wells Vinny James F Evan Grant Jordan Robby

VINNY : There's Ben Rothlisburger... (Did I spell his name correctly? I don't even care)
GRACE : There's Ben Rothlisburger... an ACTUAL caveman.

I'm loving JoJo's subsequent conversation with Ben Hamburgler about the guys... It's a lot more candid than say, Emily Maynard's half conversation about Arie with Dolly Parton... (I don't know why this particular commentary has so many throwbacks, but I'm so into it...)

So Sweet Baby James T gets hit pretty hard... and now he's talking about not wanting stitches ... While looking like an ACTUAL mummy...

I am made even more uncomfortable by Erectile Evan's presence, in life. Shoutout to my friend Catherine, real estate Bachelor genius, who remarked that she could tell me the condo complex where Erectile Evan lived, because it was made very obvious during his intro video... Which raises my respect for Catherine... And lowers it for EE. Obviously if James T lived in a recognizable condo complex, it would be a completely different story. I'll own my double standards any day of the week.

The blue team won (or was it the white team? Don't care.) There was an after party. May we NEVER forget the awkward post-game party that Tierra awkwardly crashed, on Sean Lowe's season... Robby awkwardly hefted JoJo up on a pool table, just now. I'm bored. I want to nurse James back to health.

JoJo tells Jordan that he's "hard to read." What she really means is that he's not giving her enough affirmation. Still bored. He gets the rose.

JoJo LOVES messing with dude hair. Which is probably 50% due to her, and 50% due to the wimpy undercut thing that's in, right now.

INTO THE WOODS, ONE STAYS, ONE GOES.

It's like Luke has some kind of immunity, and doesn't care about the stakes of ANY of his questions to Chad. He fearlessly asks him about being antagonized and I am into it. 

Jordan: This isn't only for Alex, this is for America
Johnny: ....Ferrera! It's for America Ferrera!

That single rose on the wood shaving right now:

Put on some crocs and JUST GIVE UP cause this show is the best. 

Ugh WHEN will someone realize that they need to make it about the COUPLE on the two-on-one! Alex, make it about you two, not about Chad! (But totally make it about Chad, because we LOVE The Chadlorette) Also quick shout-out to Alex for conjuring up the term "YOU ARE A MELTDOWN," to Chad, a few weeks ago. I have yelled that to no less than fifty people in Los Angeles traffic since then and I feel GREAT about it...

I'm still mad about the two-on-one on Ashley Herbert's season where that guy Will backstabbed that nice guy who did the flashmob date with Ashley and got him sent home... Give me oneeee moment:
Ben C.  Ben C was his name:

Rest in peace, Ben and Ahsley. Bashley. 

Let me tell you what JoJo's "overwhelming emotion" is about right now: being terrified for her life now that she's sending Chad home.

Chad's stupid whistle is so epic. YOU GUYS I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MEN TELL ALL. Ugh. I love this show to the max.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...