Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Brooks Wanted to Forego A LOT of Things...

        Let’s start with 5:36 pm tonight, when the following conversation took place between my roommate, who was landing at LAX, and myself:

(And in case you’re wondering: it’s not accidental that her name is Carolyn and she’s in my phone as “Jason Street.” I’m in her phone as “Tim Riggins.” Don’t even worry about it.)

        Here’s what happened: Dez went on dates with Chris and Drew. They chose to forego their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. No one was surprised.
        Here’s the thing about Brooks-A-Million: boy was afraid of getting his heart broken. He didn’t know how strongly Dez felt about him, thought there was a possibility that she might not choose him, and decided to bow out early. She cried. They didn’t even play an episode blooper during the credits, because the ending was so dismal. She wept.
        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. Did I mention that Dez shed tears last night? And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Fantasy Date With Drew:

- Throughout the whole picnic, I just kept muttering, “Brooks… Brooks… and Brooks…” between every other word of Dez’s...

- They’re so sweaty right now. And not in a good way.

- Oh Dez. That isn’t kissing in the rain.

Good try, though...

And you didn’t plan that dinner, either. Clearly Bachelorette Intern Jacob* didn’t update his weather app to a Madeira zip code, when he planned their picnic under the stars…

- May we talk about how that digital camera that Drew had was so brand spankin’ new that they hadn’t even had time to select the option to REMOVE the time stamp on each picture? So there were huge yellow letters across Dez’s teeth, in that snapshot of them. Not a good look for her.

- Clearly Dez is so sick of the interviews at this point that she takes shots of tequila with Jacob, beforehand, cause all we’re getting today is this sloppy, redundant Dez, who actually has less to say than Sober Dez does, but the liquid courage significantly diminishes her fear of repeating herself…

- Drew really, REALLY wants to wish Dez a good morning.

Questions I have:

- Has Hare… EVER said a heartfelt “I’m sorry” to a contestant like he’s saying it to Dez, in this preview right now?

- Are you gonna have steel drums in your house, with all the other Antiguan knick-knacks you’re buying today, Drew? Are you?!

- Has Drew ever cut up a pineapple in his life? Much less eaten one? Ever?

- Does the rain mean that Drew gets to pass Go, collect two hundred and- oh yep. He’s in the fantasy suite. He took the express train.

- Anyone remember how Jesse Csinscak told DeAnna that he had to ask her Dad, before going to the Fantasy Suite with her?

Memorable Quotes:
- About Brooks, we hear Dez say,“He almost doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me, for me to know.” MAAAAYDAYYY

I’m pretty sure I’ve used that picture in at least every other commentary this season. For those of you that don’t recognize it, you should probably just stop reading this commentary. HELLO: It’s the Genie, from Disney’s Aladdin, when he is providing commentary (See what I did, there? yuk yuk yuk) on Aladdin’s conversation with Jasmine, as it goes down in flames.

- Grace: You don’t pull over for a … peck. You pull over for a make out.
…Am I right?!
Carolyn: I think he would have made out with her. I think she ah, cut that one short, I feel as though.

- “His abs, his eyes, his face, his body, um, I don’t know, ummm.” I will NOT dignify this attempt at a sentence with any further remarks.

- “What could make a better date than limbo?” I can think of a lot of things, DezzyRoo.
- The guy making those roses and hearts out of reeds, circa EVERY street corner EVER in downtown Charleston: “If the kiss is sloppy, you gotta do it over… Kiss… kiiiiss… intenseeee.” Maybe that guy should be the next Bachelor.

Brooks’ Meltdown, Part I:
- “Seeing how my family has really helped to guide my feelings…”
…Am I the only one who is envisioning THIS, when Brooks says that?

- Clearly Mama and Sis are ELATED to have Brooks-A-Million back in their clutches. At the end of their little Family Meeting, Ma and Sis are clearly satisfied that they’ve lured Brooks back in, keeping him at their disposal as their little Bachelor Brooks…

- WHY DOES BROOKS HAVE TO TAKE THIS WHOLE PROPOSAL THING SO SERIOUSLY?! Brooks. This isn’t real life, sweetheart. It’s BachelorNation. GET. A. GRIP. Just propose already. This is not hard. You don’t even have to pay for the Neil Lane ring…

- Brooks explained that Madeira was “where I’ll have the exotic date with Dez.” The eyebrow raise from the sister definitely indicated that she somehow thought Brooks was talking about a date at a strip club…

- Brooks tried to rationalize that maybe Dez was also shaking her head, dealing with doubts and whatnot.
…I think I got whiplash during this section, because I was shaking my head so ferociously… 

- It was during this whole ordeal that Carolyn uttered one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite shows. (She knows the line because I’m pretty sure I find a way to say it at least once an hour.)

Matthew Perry’s Ryan King, ladies and gentlemen. So insightful right now. 

Fantasy Date With Chris:

- So glad Chris raised his glass and instead of exclaiming “Cheers!” he declared, “Toast!”

- I’m pretty sure stepping out of a helicopter ONTO THE SAND must be one of the worst things ever.

- It took Dez and exorbitant amount of time to say “yeah, I could move to Seattle,” when Chris asked about their future. I would now like to quote Kacey Musgraves: “No matter where we go/you’ll never be alone/anywhere beside you is a place that I’ll call home…” That’s what my succinct reply would have been.

- Can we just let the record show: No one has EVER turned down a fantasy suite offer. Ever. Even little virgin Sadie, on Lorenzo’s season, still WENT TO THE FANTASY SUITE.

- Oh goodie, it’s POETRY TIME!
- Upon hearing actual vocals on a music track played underneath a make-out, I half-expected Chris and Dez to turn and realize they were being serenaded by a live band… It would definitely be the first time any musician had ever made it to the Fantasy Suite. (Unless you count the brief musical career of our Favorite Intern Jacob, cause we all know he was on that date, swinging a squeaky door back and forth, throughout the entire date, including when they got to the suite (Did anyone else hear that?) . He had a short stint as an indie rocker, with his band CrucificGLORIOUS, which was quickly shut down by Friday Night Lights, due to copyright infringement. To this day he still calls himself “a musician.”)

Questions I have:
- Are Dez and Chris just going to pretend like they WEREN’T surprised by that wave, just now, when they were TOTALLY dry, and just walking along the shore?
- No but seriously: what's up with that squeaking in the background of this ENTIRE date?

Memorable Quotes:
- Upon seeing Dez’s abs, at the beginning of her date with Chris, I turned to Carolyn and said, “My stomach looks like that, right?” She didn’t even look up from her phone as she replied, “I’m reading about it right now and Dez says ‘my secret is that I love food!’ This is ridiculous.”
Grace: No but like, you look at the screen and you get confused because you immediately think that’s me, when you see those abs, right?”

- “Des and I are literally on top of the world right now, it feels amazing.” No, Chris, you’re at sea level.

- “I’ll be there in sad times. I’ll be there to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her I love her..” Oh, is that all you do in sad times? Relationships must be so easy for Chris…

- I just… I’m all resentful that Chris is so normal and mundane, and then he says something like this: “Dez makes me feel vibrant…”

Brooks’ Meltdown, Part II:

- Hare asked some insightful questions, and basically all but begged Brooks to stay, knowing the Fifty Shades of Tears that he would have to put up with, if Brooks leaves…

- As soon as Brooks and Dez sit down… Dez knows. She knows.

- Dez is being so patient with Brooks’ attempt at a speech right now. OUT WITH IT, BROOKSIE.

- Oh she has gone into Bachelorette Ugly Crying Mode.


- Hey Dez… Sweetie… when you curl up like that, with your head literally between your legs, it amplifies the sound of your microphone. STOP IT.

- She has now moved from the crying phase of grieving into the anger phase. There’s resentment.

- Brooks has now put his head in his hands, in attempt to mirror Dez’s Grieving Position, as if to say, “I CAN DO IT TOO!”



Questions I have:
- Have we EVER seen a contestant on the week of Fantasy Dates… arriving?

- Can’t Dez SUE the ABC Shrink for emotional damage, for leading her on like this, in the interview before the date today?

- Was Jacob yelling “BROOKS, DUCK DOWN FURTHER; we can’t have your hair giving away your identiy when we preview this clip of Dez…”

- How long was she crying on this dock, before Jacob lured her inside with some imported In-N-Out burger?

Can we just take a second, here?

1) We’ve seen this before:

That’s right. It was when our beloved Frank:

Left Ali:


Second only to the death of agent Michael Vaughn on Alias, it was pretty much the worst day of my life.

2)      But wait… Where ELSE have we seen this kind of crying? Oh, that’s right:

Except Brooks didn’t express himself as eloquently as a one Noah Calhoun. He went for the debatably-abrasive “I just don’t feel like the moments apart are hard enough…”

Memorable Quotes:
- “Hopefully the conversation with Chris Harrison today will make things easier…” Doesn’t it always?

- “So you have to tell her these things, Brooks. How does that weigh on you?” LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU: OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS WITH HARE. 

- “I don’t care that you broke my heart; I love you.” Dez… Sweetie… that line only works in Rom Coms and in a completely different context… Please don’t do that again.

- “I’ve done everything by myself and that’s why I was hoping to meet someone I could share my life with.” Ohhhh I actually felt that one, Dez. That was a knife to the gut, right there.

- And Brooks summed up the whole afternoon perfectly: “That was way worse than I thought it was gonna be.”



- When carefully trying to say nice things about Dez (but not too nice, so as to let their little Brooks run off and marry her) Brooks’ sister was talking about how Dez wasn’t overwhelmed by their family, and how “she doesn’t even phase…” Unless she was trying to imply that Dez is a werewolf, I believe she meant to say “she isn’t fazed by anything.”

- “Physicality is there…” If this is truly what Brooks meant to say, then he would be telling us that her… physical stance… exists. I took plenty of classes on this in college; it’s totally a valid remark. However, I do believe he was getting at: the PHYSICAL ATTRACTION is there.

- “I have no doubt her and I are sharing the same feelings.” Oh Chris. Christopher. Christopher Robin. My little poet. DO WE NEED TO GO OVER GENERAL RULES FOR PRONOUNS?!

- “If this were to work out with you and I…” OHHH HURT ME BAD, TOPHER!

- “Today is going to just be Brooks and I…” I think… I think I should give Dez a break on this one…

- “You wish it was here. You wish it was Dez.” Hare, don’t do this to me. Don’t. I know you secretly have a PhD in psychotherapy, but didn’t they teach you about the subjunctive mood, at some point?

- “Don’t misunderstand the fact that I don’t care for you. I do.” Oh this was a gem from Brooks. It would have read more clearly as “don’t misinterpret this as ‘me not caring for you.’ I do.” But somewhere between making his impossibly greasy hair even more greasy, and doing some serious ugly crying, Brooks-A-Million got his words mixed up.

Two final, parting thoughts:
1)      How unfortunate for Drew and Chris to hear tonight that Dez spent her dates with them wishing she was with Brooks?! Sheesh.

2)      I do find it interesting to compare what a Bachelor or Bachelorette missed out on, and what they chose. For example, I think that even though Ashley didn’t end up with Brad (DON’T get me started on Brad) she ended up with JP.
That being said, let’s look at how Dez’s possible outcomes stack up:

…I’m just saying.

If you’re a bird, I’m a-

I can’t. I can’t even say it.

*For reasons of which I’m entirely sure, I was really into Bachelorette Intern Jacob in this post. I feel the need to clarify: he’s not real. He, 100%, does NOT exist. Neither does CrucificGLORIOUS, but that one was pretty good, wasn’t it?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

...Can We Just Stay at a Marriott, Next Time?

       So this post is delayed, but it's actually awesome, cause I could take screen shots, since I watched online. 

         HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED: In no way whatsoever did the men of this season “tell all” in this episode, the only maybe juicy detail that surfaced was that Dan (a guy whom no one remembers) told Ben that he was approached by his Baby Mama in Vegas, who disclosed that Ben was not a man of the noblest character. And next week, surprise:

          It’s gonna be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! And Hare has said that before, but THIS TIME HE REALLY MEANS IT.

Straight from the horse’s mouth, people.

        Ahem, to whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

-        Well Dez has CERTAINLY been logging in some hours working with the Bachelorette personal trainer- looks like GIRL HAS BEEN DOING SOME SQUATS AND LUNGES.

- Loved Hare’s smile after he said the words “right reasons.” Yuk yuk yuk.*

- …The Mesnicks… And the baby…

- I am LOVING this grandma in the front row…

- There are SO many hair extensions happening right now, between these former bachelorettes

- Ohhhh Ali just called The Wrestler “Rated R.” Are we really going to dignify his existence by using his stage name?

- The knight… going through the metal detector…

- James and Ben are watching Zak, right now, wishing that they could be in his shoes. Wishing so badly that they'd played their cards more shrewdly…

- I mean, sure, Jonathan shouldn’t have done the fantasy suite. But he was also hammered. And his embarrassed reaction right now is so appropriate. Wait he’s apologizing right now. Waaaait I’m loving Jonathan right now...

- Barrister Michael definitely just attempted to feel up Juan Pablo, to see if he had the Lone Ranger star on him…

- I still think Robert was the best-looking one in the bunch. Robert. Maybe I’ll make him a street sign about it.


Way to plant, Ann.

- I will NEVER tire of this man pow wow, between Drew, Kasey, Michael G and Brooks, in the hotel room in Germany. Poor Brooksie is just being dragged along for the ride, but his facial expressions are too good.

- I love how Chris is trying to shush everyone, during this meltdown of James’.

- Kasey’s clothes are so tight. They are SO tight. If my memory serves me correctly, his clothes were also unusually #tight for the #premiere.

- Mikey might not remember what was said four months ago, BUT KASEY #DOES.

- If they DON’T stop showing Dez talking in this stupid attempt at an accent, I WILL throw up.

- I think “salsa is easy” for everyone… but Dez.

- Hare, Juan Pablo is not a Don Juan. Neither metaphorically nor literally. Stop trying to vet him on national television, he can be the next Bachelor. Enough, already.

- I think Zak might be wearing the same suit and shirt at the MTA that he was on the night that he left. Clearly he’s having trouble accepting these abs rejection.

- I was already sold on Zak as the next Bachelor. But when he showed what it’s like to be a 31 year old guy roaming around, trolling for ladies, I became COMPLETELY SOLD.

- And then THIS happened:

Anyone else feeling a little awkward? Even solely about the fact that Hare happened to have a light on him, that was capable of reading said invisible ink? OR THE FACT THAT HE HAD THE JOURNAL IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

- Hare and I actually had the same facial expression, after the invisible note was read:
Not bad at all... 

- Wait… You guys… I’m in LOVE with Jonathan.

- Dez’s remark about Zak hiding behind his smile, and ultimately what kind of partner he would make for her if he was constantly trying to stay positive all the time… was strangely insightful.


Questions I have:
- Is she really wearing two button-downs, on top of each other right now, to crash these BachelorNation parties? Was Bachelorette Intern Jacob put in charge of wardrobe that night?

- And how is it that Dez and Hare could have staged a surprise from the window WHEN THE GLEAMING LIGHT OF THE CAMERA WAS BEHIND THEM?!


- Is Ali’s hair… gray? Is she a silver fox, right now? Is she?

- Why is Mikey not wearing socks? Did the knight take them, to avoid chafing?

- Is it too much to ask that Hare STOP saying the word “bad boys?” (Update: apparently, based on Dez’s use of “Whatchu gonna do” and subsequent chuckle, it IS too much to ask…)


- Did Mikey and James go out on that boat (the one that Vocabulary Drew told us would have illegal activities) to get their story straight?

- I just… who’s this guy? I want to know. 

And now that I examine the picture more closely, in the row behind him, the woman in pink (NOT the Diane Lane look-alike who they cut away to 95 different times, to show her dropped jaw) but the woman directly behind him… Is she wearing a duster? Remember those long-ass sweater things from like, twelve years ago?

- What IS IT with this continual mention of these TALL women that Mikey and James were going to meet??! Has anyone else noticed that Kasey has continued to mention the height of these "Plan B" (really wealthy and really long-legged) women??

- Why is Who-aan Pablo wearing a coat and scarf for this question and answer session, in the Mr. America Competition?

- Ok did I actually fall asleep during the premiere, or did we NEVER see this clip of Who-aan Pablo telling Dez about his daughter? ‘Cause the Mr. America Comp was the first memory I have of hearing about her…

- "How about we stay at a Mariott next time?" Yuk yuk yuk.* Steamed armadillos all around.

- Is the finale going to be a two-parter, Hare? Is it?! I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUU.

- Wait, did we hear the part about the light and invisible ink, when Zak gave her the antique journal? Have I seriously been asleep through this whole season?

- And why is it, exactly, that Kasey and Chris were just chillin’ in this hot tub, in a random hotel room, during the blooper reel? Anyone? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not #upset about it, but one has to #wonder…

- Is there some kind of legal obligation, keeping these men from saying, “I’m so sorry, I was completely wasted, I didn’t mean to do that…” ? Cause my boy Jonathan could use that one, right about now. Whatever. Jono, call me. 

Memorable Quotes:

- “It’s great to know that they’re so comfortable with me and that they feel like they already know me…” NO, DEZ, it’s a sad commentary on the myth of reality television. Didn’t your parents teach you that one, when you were living in a teepee?

- Ashley: they’re welcoming us with open arms.
   JP: And open bars.
   Grace: Has JP always been this funny?

- Emily: “How was Hollywood, Ben? Did you get your… drinks?!” Well I dunno, Emily. Did he?

- Juan Pablo: “I guess I got some friends and some not that… friends.”

- Barrister Michael said the word “drama,” which gave Hare a segue to cue the “Drama Reel,” and the passion with which he executed this move was as though he were a magician, huddled down in a closet, waiting for someone to say “WONDER”

- Drew: “Dez is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” Cut it with the hyperboles, already.

- Hare, for the win: “We gave Brian the chance to be here, and he chose not to. So we’re gonna... choose to talk about him.”

- “I hope not one of these guys is the same around a girl as they are around their friends. I mean, you shouldn’t be. It’s a GIRL.” Ohhh Ben, you took it just a liiiiitle too far, right then.

- Mike pointed out to Ben, “I think that you have this idea of The Bachelorette, where it’s Ben and Dez date for six weeks and then get married.”
       Ben: “what’s wrong with that?” Oh Ben. Your roots are showing. Long live Dixie.

- Chris just asked James to tell him exactly what was said to Mikey in the car that night.
Anyone remember that incredible interrogation scene from season 2, where Carrie got Nick to confess what he knew? 

- “Somebody’s gonna have to be the next Bachelor.” James is clearly ready to take one for the team.

- James whined, “My integrity was stripped. My character was stripped from me.” I could be wrong, but aren’t those two attributes like, the two big ones that the dying parent references, in those semi-feel-good movies? You know the scene: the parent is dying, and the oldest kid (that has to now take over the family) comes in to say goodbye to them, and Dear Old Dying Dad says something like, “The Union can take the farm, son. They can take our land. BUT THEY CAN’T TAKE AWAY YOUR INTEGRITY…(*breathes his last. Son sobs*)

…No? Did I take it too far, just then? It was the “Union” reference, wasn’t it?
Pshh. Yankees. 

- “In the history of this show, we’ve never had a contestant be a bigger fan favorite, with less screen time than this guy. Welcome with me: Juan Pablo.”
OK LISTEN. Don’t get me wrong, Who-aan Pablo seems cool. Neat… Nice.
But I’m 95% sure that if you took away the soccer stardom and the accent, he wouldn’t be such a “fan-favorite.” And about that, I have to say: soccer stardom and an accent just… aren’t that… interesting, in my book. For instance, Jillian Harris was a favorite (let’s be real: she’s my favorite Bachelorette of all time, ever) because she was hilarious and could judge people based on what kind of toppings they liked on their hot dogs. See where I’m going, here? Soccer stardom and hot dog toppings judgments just aren’t in the same league, Hare. Ohhhhh they’re setting WP up to be the next Bachelor. We’ve had one from London and now we’re gonna get one from Venezuela.

- Zak: “I love Juan Pablo. He has a daughter, though.” So there's a little judgment from Zachery, no?

- “Let’s talk about your love affair with Dez…” Was it a love affair, Hare? Cause not only does that word’s affiliation belong on the Alyssa Milano show that airs AFTER The Bachelorette, but according to the OED, the primary use of “affair” is for a “task.” (And yes, you read that correctly: I don’t mess around with dictionary.com, I have a guy who gets me a thing, through the University of Memphis, so I can use the Oxford English Dictionary for free. And by “guy,” I mean “my brother.” So in case you were wondering: “affair” is of Anglo-Norman and Middle French origin.)

- Hare: Are you still in love with Dez?
   Zak: Yeah, it won’t go away. Whoa, my heart actually skipped a beat on that one, Zachery. They say love don't come easy... But not to worry: record deals and number one hits in Mexico do. 

- Obvious Obsessions with Hare: “You know Dez is here tonight. You know she’s going to come out here in just a second.” Is the finale going to be a two-parter, Hare?

- “I hate porta potties…” Well geez, Dez, have you ever met anyone who LOVES them?

- “I want someone who I can give my heart to, and know that they will never wanna break it…” Dear Dez, if THAT’S your biggest concern at this point in the game, I think we got probz.

- “I’m truly, madly, deeply in love with Dez.” Do you wanna bathe with her in the sea too, Chris? Live like this forever, until the sky falls down on you? Do you?!

The verbal faux pas in this episode were pretty intense, but emotions were running high, what did we expect? Literacy?
- About the BachelorNation fans, Hare asserted, “They’re vested in Dez’s life.” Not only did he mean to say invested, but there’s no way to misuse this word and get away with it. They can have a vested interest in her life, but they are not VESTED, Hare. (Unless he meant to say they all wear vests. In which case, I stand corrected.)

- “Ashley and JP were like, America’s Sweetest Couple.” Oh Dez. You meant to say “America’s sweethearts.” Which is actually incorrect, as well. Because Ashley and JP weren’t. JOHN CUSACK AND CATHERINE ZETA-JONES WERE. Didn’t you see that movie?

- In an attempt to be Carrie Mathison, Hare recounted the facts of the fateful car ride where James became known as our next Bachelor Hopeful, which consisted of: “There was four guys in the van.” Was there, Chris? WAS THERE FOUR GUYS?!

- And finally, James: “I can’t remember every little thing that have happened.”

…Is that what you had said?

If you're a bird, I'm a bird,

*Lest anyone be confused about the definition of a yuk yuk joke, it is a joke after which one makes the "yuk yuk" noise, as they chortle to themselves. Sean's Dad pulling a fried armadillo out of the oven on Emily's hometown date with him constitutes a "yuk yuk joke."

Granny Got Run Over by a CHRIS HARE...

So Granny texted me last night while I was working (“Granny” is our affectionate term for my mother, in my family. For a full explanation on the nickname, see: 


and she said, “I know you’re watching Men Tell All, so no hurry to reply, but do you have enough sunscreen?”

Grace: Haha I’m impressed that you knew tonight was MTA, but Kirk and Kristy are in their new house, so cable and network TV aren’t even hooked up yet. And yes, I have sunscreen.

Granny: Oh, dear. But don’t you have to watch for your bloggy blog?

Grace: I do, but I shall watch on the morrow. I CAN assure you that you just became the most attentive mother of a blogger that there ever was…

And upon pulling up ABC.com this morning, I was greeted with THIS image:

Wait for it… WAIT FOR IT…

Nope, I still don’t regret the pop tart and two cookies I had with my bagel this morning…

I will most likely post tomorrow morning, because I refuse (unlike almost ALL of the contestants on this show) to sacrifice good grammar for the timely execution of drama. In the meantime, check out the Granny post, above. It was from the finale. Sean Lowe retweeted it, and we’ve been dating ever since.

That second part was a lie. But the first part was totally true. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Mommy Dearest...

       I just need to take a quick second to talk about the ONLY date I've ever brought to my hometown.
       It was this guy:


Let me be clear: I wouldn't wish a hometown date with my family on the faint of heart. But as Robin Hood says, "A FAINT HEART NEVER WON FAIR LADY."

Danny not only put up with Mimi (he totally won her over, snuggie and all - NOT an easy feat)

He took it in stride when Big Daddy thought it was appropriate to wear denim on denim:

He was even appropriately enthused about his place card at the dinner table:

Needless to say: he's a champ. We had a great time.


Here’s what happened: There were four hometown dates. The families were equally eccentric, across the board. Everyone told Dez “I love you” except for Brooks, who, unless ABC is completely misleading us on purpose, is a serious front runner for Dez. And by “front runner,” I mean SHE’S-SAID-SHE-LOVES-HIM. Zak gave her a ... something ring. She sent him home. He threw the ring out the window.

        Ahem, to whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

        In the promo about the brother, Nathan, we hear him say,“I think Dez is worried about me because of last time with Sean…” What, WHEN YOU ACCUSED THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN ON NATIONAL TELEVISION OF BEING A “PLAYER”?!
        You know those producers were pulling for the brother to make an appearance. Take your player accusations and SIT DOWN, NATHAN.

1) Hometown Date: Zak
- The rate at which Zak is making up this ridiculous dream that he had, in order to preface the fact that he and Dez are going to drive the family SnowConeMobile, is giving me that scene from The Proposal, where Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock have to make up the story of his proposal. I’m surprised this dream sequence didn’t include decoupage, actually.

- So glad Zak cleared that fence, when he ran to go fetch the PenguinMobile, just now…

- Based on the level of utter exhaustion that I have reached merely listening to Dez TALK ABOUT how she and Zak love to carpe diem, I cannot imagine how draining it must be to actually spend five seconds with the two of them, while they’re carpe-ing the diem.

- Oh look: we’re doing the same thing with Zak’s family that we did with Lindsay Yenter’s family, where we talk about how it’s NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACLE that he could made it to hometowns after what the pulled at the premiere…

- Ok listen. Zak’s brother and sister have great voices. And I don’t think I’ve EVER said that about anything I’ve seen on reality TV. BUUUUUUUT no one- no one should be made to sit in front of another person while they’re singing, three feet away from you. It’s just criminal. Make it stoooop.

Questions I Have:
- Why is he drawing right now, while he waits for her to arrive? Whyyy? Didn’t we learn this lesson earlier in the season?!

- Why is his hometown a normal-looking city in Texas? Why aren’t we in that nudist cabin of his, in the middle of nowhere? (Seriously, don’t you remember that excerpt from the premiere: Zak in the buff, on his deck?)

- Why did he pitch this whole snow cone thing to her as a dream? Why didn’t he just say “this is what we’re doing today”? Theory: the producers have totally checked out, leaving Bachelorette Intern Jacob to his own devices. Desperate to come up with a segue for the penguin suit and High Fructose Corn Syrup Van, Jake conjured up THIS bright idea. I hope Joel McHale still does that “Nice Segue” section on The Soup. This should headline that part of the show.

Memorable Quotes:
- May we talk about the mock enthusiasm in Dez’s voice on “it’s a penguinnnnn,” when Zak rolled up in the Puffin outfit? I cannot accept your abs right now, Zachery.

- Dez remarked: “I can see us living this awesome life of goofiness and fun…” and driving a snow cone truck together for the rest of our lives…

- In order to avoid the interrogation of Zak’s sister about whether or not she was really in love with Zak, Dez chose an elusive, “I want the best for Zak so I’m just following my heart…” WHAT AN EVASION.

- “Dez is the woman I’ve been waiting for. I see a future with her.” Maaaaydaaaay.
Oh no. Not the ring. Nooooooo.

2) Hometown Date: Drew

- Dez tells Drew that he looks adorable. IT’S BECAUSE HE’S A WOMAN, DEZ.

- I just want the record to show: if I had to take a Bachelor home to Casa Douglas, I would totally make him one of those cheat sheets like Hallie and Annie made for each other in The Parent Trap. CAN I GET AN AMEN, ETHAN SAMUEL?!

Surprise inspection! First up: Navajo!

- Kudos to Drew’s parents, for being so civil. Anyone remember when Melissa’s parents wouldn’t meet Jason? Or Jef’s parents didn’t show up?

- Dez wants to stay at Drew’s house. Grace wants to stay at Zak’s house.

Questions I have:
- He’s Dad’s name is ‘Mal’? Oh wow. The brother’s name is Mal, too.

- What constitutes ‘a hard question’? I just need to know.

- Why the gel, Drew?? Whyyyy?

- My interest was piqued when I saw all the wine bottles on the table (Drew’s story about the dad and the car and the garage, anyone?) but did anyone else notice that his dad was toasting with a wine glass full of water? #classact

Memorable Quotes:
About his sister, Drew told Dez, "She’s got a lot to say." In a matter of words that shouldn't be shocking in how vague it was, she asked, "Do you know, though…?" Drew clarified, "Like, what she’s getting at?" Then in an anti-climax, blurted, "NO."

- “You can usually tell what kind of mood she’s in…” Oh. Funny, that: my brother says the same thing about me.

- “How does she make you feel? I mean I can tell by looking at you, but I want your words.” DREW’S GOTTA SMART MAMA.

- “The next time I see my family, I will be an engaged man…” WHOA, DREW. WHOA.

3) Hometown Date: Chris
- May I just say how stoked I would be, if a boyfriend wanted me to a) see a chiropractor b) mentioned that his father was a chiropractor?

- I’m liking the whole sit-on-a-bucket-and-toss-balls to be hit by the batter thing they’ve got going on….


- Again, I’m finding myself… bored, with these two. Because they’re so… normal. I think Chris just might be my top pick for her.

- Dez is shockingly articulate, as she tells Dez’ mom what she likes about Chris.

- WOW, this Mama seems hard to please.

- Mama is worried about when Chris has to “jump back into reality” and I will say that if there’s anyone to jump back into reality with and experience a relatively smooth ride, my money would be on Dez.

Questions I have:

- May we talk about how there’s one member of Chris’ family who definitely looks like she’s living in 1987? Big hair, lavender eye shadow… I find myself wanting to know more about her.

Memorable Quotes:
- “This will help you in the next few weeks… well, hopefully the next few weeks!” Well thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad!

- “There’s no way that these feelings are being expressed with anyone else. It’s just too real.” Yikes. FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

4) Hometown Date: Brooks


- The nametags. This is awesome.

- The men in Brooks’ life are hitting him with some intense questions. Ok, ok, I now understand what “hard questions” are.

- Alright I’ve had enough. these guys’ obsessions with their mothers is JUST too much

- Brooks’ mom definitely said the words “you’re my favorite” to him. WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- When Brooks’ mom finally gave her approval, he kind of took a moment, as though this was seriously the ONLY verdict on which he’d been waiting. YOU ARE TWENTY-EIGHT, BROOKS. Spread your wings, Butterfly…

Questions I have:
- Brooks points out the cute little ducks that are on a date, just like he and Dez. Does he KNOW what happens when ducks procreate? Because if so, and he still chose to make that comparison, I’d run in the opposite direction…

- May we talk about how Dez adamantly filled in “THRESHOLD” for Brooks? WEDDINGS ARE DEZ’S LIFE. If you need a wedding term, this girl’s got it.

- Is it just me, or is an overweight Jimmy Kimmel sitting at that dinner table?

Memorable Quotes:
- “I love Brooks…” WHAT?! Isn’t she like, legally obligated to NOT say that? 

- Ma Brooks tells Dez, “We need to go and speak to each other, ok?” Kind of formal. But a helluva lot better than “can I just steal you away for a second?” 

- Chubby Kimmel asks the important question: “CAN SHE HANG WITH YOU?!” I appreciate your intensity, Chubby-Kimmel-Clone. 

- CKC also finishes out the date with a grand gesture to Dez: “Thanks for not being such a huge waste of time!” Good one, Chubby, good one.

Rose Ceremony:

- This is seriously the strangest brother/sister relationship I’ve ever seen.
- Dez's conversation with Hare is so… candid, yet so… distant. How bizarre. I don’t even know what to make of it…
- I can ONLY hope that Zak threw the ring out the window at an intersection where our boy Jacob could jump out and grab it, and give to his girl Friday, in ten years. (Or, at the rate this episode was going, GIVE IT TO HIS MOTHER)

Questions I have:
- …Has the brother ever had a girlfriend? Can we bring him in as The Bachelor? 

- HOW ABOUT A COCKTAIL PARTY, THIS WEEK?! Seriously, can you imagine if they did a cocktail party on the week of the hometown dates? There’d be so many emotional breakdowns…

Memorable Quotes:
- “You were mad for a little while. You’re mad now.” Even though all signs point to TOTALLY CERTIFIABLE, the brother seems shockingly perceptive right now. 

- “Drew is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet in your life.” I gave myself ten seconds to come up with people* who fit the bill of “sweetest person you’ll ever meet in your life.”

...Any of these people look like Drew??

- Dez is practically fighting a yawn as she tells Hare, “yeah Drew told me he loved me…”

- “I could break someone’s heart, potentially…” POTENTIALLY, DEZ?!?! Do you remember this time last season?

Verbal Faux Pas:
Vocabulary Drew had quite a few this week. What a disappointment… 

- “I’m going to throw Dez in the deep end. And see if she can swim with this family…” Didn't anyone ever tell Drew that the only way to use this phrase colloquially is to discuss someone's sanity, in relation to "the deep end"? No? 

- “Imagine somebody who doesn’t have the capability of letting you know how they’re feeling.” May we talk about pronouns, Andrew? 

- “I figured you were dead center… a perfect match for that.” Dead ringer, Dad! Dead RINGER! 

- “All I’m feeling are the breaks and the crinks…” I can’t even dignify this with any semblance of editing… 

- “I was wondering if I could make this step…” Since when do you make steps, Brooks? Is that a Salt Lake thing?

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

*If you're not one of the six people pictured above, don't you dare fret. 1) I only had ten seconds. 2) If you're indignantly feeling excluded, I salute you: I'd feel the same. But I'm certainly not "the sweetest person" ANYONE "will ever meet" in their life (or if I am, then there's obviously a problem) 3) If you feel like you belonged with those six, you're not pictured because I have another superlative for you that is far more fitting, I assure you. Just ask me. I dare you. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Welcome to Madeira, Boooyz

        Here’s what happened: two favorite Bachelor Sean alums, Catherine and MyBestFriendLez showed up to Madeira to advise Dez, in her quest for a fairytale love.. Oh, and that girl Jackie that no one remembers, who got sent home on the two-on-one with Tiara, was there too. There were 3 one-on-ones and a two-on one, and although a rose was given out to Drew on the two-on-one, Zak didn’t have to go home right then. He just had to wait it out until the rose ceremony, to see if he’d get a rose or not. Dez and Brooks went on a date where they were in cumulus clouds, and they made terrible, TERRIBLE cloud references the whole time. I refuse to elevate them to the level of “puns.” Dez and Chris were on a boat. Michael and Dez walked around Madeira. Drew and Zak raced go carts on the two-on-one. Michael went home.

We all aged two hours.

        I apologize for the lack of detail in this post: I really had to half-listen to the episode, because if I fully engaged in the horrible word play, group poetry writing, and “romance,” my blood pressure would soar to dangerous heights. Also, in the spirit of what Granny likes to call “It Takes One to Know One,” it has become very painful for me to witness Dez under a delusion that I have faced in my own life.

She thinks that she is this:

When I thought I was the contents of the above picture, I was actually pretty much this:

We all gotta learn sometime, Dez.

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Opening Montage

- Zak is giving me Crazy Eyed Chris, in this preview of the rose ceremony right now…

- This cat with two different colored eyes. The club can't even handle it right now. (And neither can I) 
- MyBestFriendLez reminds us that she got kicked off this week, in Sean's season. My life hasn't been the same since then. 
- Ok Dez is actually crying as she talks to Catherine about the One Who Got Away.
- Obviously Jackie and MyBestFriendLez are ready to take Dez’s sloppy seconds and they’re not upset about it. And neither am I. 
- I love how Dez is one of the biggest prudes we’ve seen on The Bachelorette, but she got graphically grilled by Hare about what kind of kissers the boys are and now she’s getting grilled by the girls about what kind of heat the guys are packing…

Questions I have:
- “Why is Brooks wearing a tank top?” Even though she still has very little personality, Jackie took the words right out of my mouth…
- If Sean wanted a “best friend,” why did he come on The Bachelor? 

Memorable Quotes:
- If I see this clip of Dez saying “Welcome to Madeira, booooyz!” one more time…
- Zak, I hate any use of the word “dream,” but you may be the first contestant in Bachelor HISTORY to ever talk about it sensibly, in mentioning that “it’s like we went to sleep in Barcelona and woke up in this dream land…” I will accept these abs. 
- “This is the fairytale I signed up for…”

I just... I can't. 

One-On-One Date with Brooks Brothers:
- Oh Brooks. You and your perpetual sunburn.
- Brooks is clearly hesitant to really keep a firm grip on Dez’s waist, in fear of pushing her off this cliff into the ocean, also given her HORRIBLE CHOICE TO WEAR PLATFORMS.
- Brooks doesn’t have to think about when he’s going to hold Dez’s hand. This means they’re in love. 

Questions I have:
- Are they ever going to stop talking about what conversations they’re GOING to have?

Memorable Quotes:
Brooks: “Where are you taking me?”
Dez: “I’m taking you… on a trip.”
Good one, Dez.

- If I hear one more poorly-planned cloud comment, I will actually suffocate myself with this pillow.

One-On-One Date with Chris:
The date was on a boat. Dez thought it was going to look something like this:

Grace thought it was going to look something like this:

- Zak is very confused by the use of “sea” in the date card.
- Chris’s reaction to the guys standing on the roof, waving goodbye, is giving me: embarrassed teenager, cursing their parents for showing up and ruining a first date…
- Apparently Chris wants his kids to only play with each other and never have outside friends.
- Well if Dez picks Chris, he will NEVER be able to take her by surprise. Based on how much he is sweating before choking out something that will probably be akin to “Roses are red/Violets are blue/After lots of thought I’ve decided that I maybe, somewhat a little bit could fall in love with you,” the man just might have a panic attack and pass out if he ever has to pop the question.

Questions I have:
Upon seeing the group poetry writing sesh that Chris and Dez were doing, Carolyn asked: Haven’t we already done the poetry thing?
Grace: He has. And she has. But they haven’t.

- Could someone PLEASE play John Mayer’s cover of “Message in a Bottle” in the background, here?!

Memorable Quotes:
- Chris, about the deserted island “there’s lots of colors and there’s lots of ridges.” (thatswhatshesaid)
- Dez said that her friends describe her as “mysterious.” I really, REALLY don’t want to dignify this remark by commenting on it, but: Dez, if I were given ONE THOUSAND YEARS to list words to describe you, the chances of that word coming out of my mouth are equivalent to the chances that Drew and Michael will come out of the closet on this show.  

One-On-One Date with Michael:
- Dez said that Michael has a lot of qualities that she is looking for in a husband. I would like to substitute “husband” here, with this:

- This woman singing in the street is clearly the mother of the Bachelorette Intern Jacob, in a last-ditch effort to have a musical artist on this episode. Dez didn’t even care because she basically thought that this was happening.

(I WOULD like to say: given Dez's penchant for thinking that she is Allie Hamilton, perhaps that one dude who tried to spin her and dip her on the first night wouldn't have gone home so soon if he'd pulled it off without stepping on her dress...) 

- I personally thought their date was a little bit more like this:

Questions I have:
- Based on Dez’s exhilaration at riding downhill in this toboggan: Has she never… gone downhill… in her life, ever?

Memorable Quotes:
- Carolyn went to go skype with her boyfriend and when she came back she said, “What did I miss?” I replied, “They ate tropical fruit. Dez tried on clothes. Mike said ‘Oh yeah I like that. I like that royal blue.’”

Carolyn: Oh good. So I missed nothing. He still likes men.

- At one point, Dez told Michael, “You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever known in my life.”

Sigh… I’ve thought about this one for quite some time now. First of all, I have to take issue with the fact that the “sweetest person she’s ever known” was a contestant on The Bachelorette. Not her kindergarten teacher, not one of her mother’s friends from church, but A CONTESTANT ON THE BACHELORETTE. I then set about wracking my brain, to determine the sweetest person I’ve ever known.

No contest. It’s this woman:
And here's a spoiler: we didn't meet on The Bachelorette

Two On One Date:

- Dez thought the date would go like this:

- It was a lot more like this:

- Even Dez taking her helmet off and attempting to shake out her hair… Such a fail. I NEEDED COMMITMENT ON THAT MANE SHAKE, DEZ.
- Awww look at that: Zak drew something that Dez recognizes!

Memorable Quotes:
Drew: My family is so excited to meet you. They were just as excited as I was. I feel bad for them that I’ve spent more time with you than they have.

- Dez gushed that, “Drew is the best-looking guy I’ve ever met.”
Attention, America: I would now like to point your consideration to the fact that Dez dated THIS guy:
Superman that Lowe. Yuk yuk yuk. Fried Armadillos.

Perhaps it would have seemed rude, but it would have been much more appropriate for Dez to say, “Aside from Sean, Drew is the best-looking guy I’ve ever met.”

Rose Ceremony:
- Hare is doing that therapist thing where he makes statements and follows them by silence, leaving it open for Dez to fill in with forced, obligatory words. She ended up saying that she loved how she and Brooks Brothers could be all of these things: “Witty, sarcastic, creative and goofy. And still serious.”
Cloud 9, Baby. If Brooks is a bird, Dez is a bird. 

- And it’s really a toss-up, whether or not this belongs here or in the last section, but she just might have topped herself for most nonsensical thing she’s EVER said when she asserted, “I have to discern my feelings each day about each guy, to figure out where I’m at.”

- In the Limo Ride of Shame, Michael phoned his mother, who, upon hearing of his broken heart, said: “Here we go again.”
Michael: “I don’t know why this keeps happening… Maybe I’m not meant to have a family…”

...I’m sure those two will have a GREAT time at MotherBoy 2014, this fall.

- Michael: “Coming right on the heels of the hometown dates...”
Dear Michael,
In case you need a lesson in anatomy, the heels are at the back of the foot. So “coming on the heels of” means it’s after the fact, not before. Please don’t use that phrase in front of a jury.
Judge Judy

- Brooks said something on the Cloud 9 date about his head being in the clouds, but he definitely didn't mean it in the usual state of euphoria, which is how the phrase is used. He just meant he is confused.

So am I, Brooks. So am I.

- About Chris’s love poem, Dez remarked, “Chris’s words blew me through the roof.”
…Was she angry? Was she seriously through the roof about it? Perhaps she was taking a break from thinking she was Allie Hamilton and was trying to be Carrie Underwood, cause she meant to say that she was “blown away.”

It’s ok Dez. Sometimes I think I’m Carrie, too.

So how 'bout it, kids? Who's the sweetest person you've ever known? Is Drew going to pull a Frank in a few weeks? Thoughts?

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.