Tuesday, June 28, 2016

There's Three of Us, But Only Two Can Tango...

First things first: even my own sweet mother needs some reminders:

Quick shout out to anyone else whose Mom is obsessed with NCIS. This woman has seen every episode. She was devastated by Michael Weatherly's exit. I'm trying to assure her that hope is on the horizon.

Last thing before we get down to business: you guys know I don't like to make broad comments about society or politics, but in light of recent events, it seems inevitable that we need to talk about... CARRIE UNDERWOOD SINGING ABOUT MANSLAUGHTER.

Don't get me wrong. She's a queen. She's a KWEEN. But y'all, "Church Bells" is her THIRD top ten hit that involves manslaughter! ("Blown Away:" the girl leaves her dad upstairs to get sucked up by a tornado. "Two Black Cadillac's:" well HELLO.) What is going on?! I just can't help but wonder if she sits her kid down and explains what it means when she sings "Jenny slipped something in his Tennessee Whiskey/ no law man was ever gonna find..." Anyone else stressed out about this? Either way, now seems as good a time as any to post this ridiculous picture I made for this commentary so long ago that I can't even remember why I made it:


Previews: we are all so, DEEPLY over Derek. There's nothing to see here, people. Let's move on.

This evening's Living Room Peanut Gallery Members: Carolyn, Bryan, & Tina

JoJo just said the word "funnest." And now she's talking about how traveling with guys makes you feel closer to them.... OH, ARE YOU SITTING WITH THEM ON THE AIRPLANE, JOJO? ARE YOU EXPERIENCING LEGITIMATE TRIALS AND STRUGGLES WITH THEM?

It's the halfway point in the season... JoJo is STILL talking about Ben. (Hey, I'm still talking about Ben, too, but I'm not the one trying to get engaged, over here...)

CAROLYN: Has she said anything funny this season? Has she said a single funny thing? Even Luke, METH LUKE has said something funny. He said the thing about the meat IV. Hilarious.

One on One Date: Wells

So we are reminded that Wells hasn't kissed JoJo. GOOD FOR YOU, WELLS.

There's something to be said for a long game... 

I think producers were just pleased about this because it meant that they had fifteen hours of footage of the guys talking about how he hasn't kissed her...

Devin's sweet girlfriend Cassie was over at this point and during a commercial break I looked at her and said, "CASSIE. I WANT TO CATCH UP WITH YOU, BUT I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS RIGHT NOW IS ME ON THE FLOOR OF THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE AND I'M IN IT TO WIN IT, BUT I PROMISE WE'RE GOING TO CATCH UP.

Thank goodness Wells knows that JoJo is cutting him loose. It's always worse when they don't. The producers have coached JoJo into realizing that time is of the essence and she needs to cut the cord.  I have zero doubt that he'll find a nice girl back home. I think there's a lot of merit to the conversational part of his relationship with JoJo - I wasn't bored senseless during their discussions like I was with EVERY other guy... But I DO think there was way more to the story of his ex-girlfriend than he let on, because otherwise that breakup makes ZERO sense...

We caught a FULL FRONTAL of the production assistant, taking Wells bag away. This kid will be great as The Bachelor 2024.

Group Date: Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, Alex

JoJo is whining about how hard Jordan's stomach is... I'M WHINING ABOUT WHY JAMES ISN'T MY BOYFRIEND. 

I love that Robby tried to pay off the goalie. He wasn't secretive about it and it didn't even work. Hilarious.

I'm going to start a GoFundMe page to get me a date with James T. No idea what that even means, but I'll do it. Watch me.

Luke tried to move JoJo's hair out of the way... And we learn that apparently he's never touched a girl's hair before. JoJo says that her chemistry with Luke is "off the charts"... I'd say he's just a slow kisser. Nothin' wrong with that, but let's call a spade a spade, here.

And now we get to the part where James tells JoJo about Jordan.... I'm glad James has specific examples of Jordan's behavior, but....

He isn't doing himself any favors... 


Meanwhile, back in the peanut gallery:
BRYAN: Do you like red velvet?
TINA: Everybody likes red velvet. (Chomps into the cake)
CAROLYN: (shoots up from the couch) Did somebody say red velvet? Did you get that at Von's in the two dollar section by the check out aisle?
BRYAN:...no. But clearly someone else is very familiar with that section....

Now we are calling the card game an "altercation" between Jordan and James. The only redeeming thing is that JoJo remarked that Jordan's behavior was "unbecoming." What a great word.
Ohhhh except Jordan just informed us that he doesn't know what "entitled" means.

Jordan's trump card, through gritted teeth: "How does one act entitled when the rules of a game are such?"
BRYAN: I love Jordan's angry face. It doesn't even make any sense.

Am I wrong, or is the only way to settle this thing to get out a rule book? Seriously, if I were JoJo, I'd take out a rule book. Granted, I am without a doubt the most petty person I know, so that probably isn't a good idea, but here's the thing: if the rule is actually a rule, then Jordan was a little more justified in his alleged tone. If it's not, then he wasn't. Simple. CAN THE PRODUCTION ASSISTANT GET THEM A RULE BOOK?!

Also, I'm pretty sure the next time I say "if I were JoJo," what follows will be full-on fanfiction, and I'm mortified, but too entertained to be bothered by it..

Two on One: Chase and a poor man's Jim Halpert

Upon realizing they have the two-on-one:
DEREK: May the best.... connection.... continue.
No thanks. 

Once more: Chase is smokin' hott. But his grammar is ATROCIOUS. I'm very concerned by it. It's seriously a toss up: Chase's grammar, or Carrie Underwood's levity about homicide. Both are equally stressful to me.

Tango is great for connecting and being one with somebody... IF YOU KNOW HOW TO TANGO. 

TINA: Go back to the Office, Jim!
DEREK: I'm falling for you.
JOJO: I appreciate that!
GRACE: If he says "friggen" one more time...

Chase's face legitimately does not move. Has he had all the botox? I'm so confused. I'm waiting for his face to move to disprove my botox theory. So far it hasn't moved. We then made a fun game of trying to say the most dramatic thing we possibly could, but using a Chase tone, without moving our faces. It's nearly impossible. Try it.

The rose went to Chase. They should've both gone home, honestly.

JOJO (to Derek) I am so sorry.
BRYAN: ...but you have to leave, now...
TINA: I can't put up with your oily dork face for one more minute.
DEREK: Derek is imperfect.
GRACE: Derek will be GREAT on Bachelor in Paradise. I'm not worried.

Derek crying during... "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" is the MOST meta thing that has ever happened in this history of this show. I am overwhelmed.
CAROLYN: This is a song about political unrest. This isn't even appropriate.

Rose Ceremony: 
GRACE: Is that dress from Dillard's? The Juniors section? The Dallas Fabulous Juniors section of Dillard's?
TINA: It's Argentina, she can do what she wants!
CAROLYN: Ok, I could do without the sparkles. I'll give you that.

Jordan knew that saying he wanted to be engaged at the end of this would get him the rose. It was Joe Bailey circa that date with Juelia on Bachelor in Paradise, where he spit out what she wanted to hear so he would get a rose to stay around another week to meet Samantha.

CAROLYN: That shirt isn't doing Alex any favors.
GRACE: None of his clothes are doing Alex any favors.
CAROLYN: (hitting pause) he literally has no neck.
Roses went to... Robby, Jordan, Alex and Sweet Baby James

The only appropriate way to end this post is to celebrate the golden age of Jim Halpert, with my all time favorite scene from the entire series of The Office.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Monday, June 20, 2016


So I had the pleasure of watching with my parents, this week. Which is a throw back to the olden days, when 'twas a simpler time. And by "olden days," I mean: in middle and high school, if I had a late rehearsal, I would make my mom watch and take notes for me so I could stay caught up. Watching online became a thing when I was around a freshman in high school because I definitely remember locking myself in the library during a free period to watch Brad Womack dump BOTH DeAnna and Jenni... Big Daddy kept whining that he didn't want to watch tonight because he "only likes the cat fights...." I explained the ending of the last episode to him and how he needed to watch Chad confront the guys at the beginning of this episode, SO DAD, THERE IS GOING TO BE A CAT FIGHT. 

He reluctantly agreed and took a seat.

Just a few things to address before we begin: did you guys hear about Marcus and Lacey? I'm not calling anyone a prophet, here, but my friend Kimberly and I have been on the hunt with this one for MONTHS now. She texted me back around February about how they had been suspiciously absent from social media... We scoured their pages and comments (ok, Kimberly actually has a life - I scoured the pages and comments) and were very convinced that their marriage might have been a sham. (For those of you who are just joining us: this was a couple that got married on the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise last summer. Speaking of "just joining us:" quick shout out to the Sanders family. I'm pretty sure the burst of pride that a teacher feels when one of their students starts excelling in the classroom is the same pride I felt at hearing "We started watching the show because of your hilarious blog." My own father doesn't understand my love for this train wreck of a show, so I'm always DELIGHTED to hear of a fan, near or far.) BUT YOU GUYS, APPARENTLY MARCUS AND LACEY HAVE NOT ONLY SPLIT UP, THEIR MARRIAGE WAS NEVER REAL!

So is marriage, apparently. 


Ugh. Dudes playing guitars and chucking protein powder in the air and throwing cupcakes into people’s faces is EVERYTHING to me. I’m sorry to be a sexist, but girls doing this stuff just isn’t as funny to watch.

There was 100% ZERO point to Chad coming back and talking to the guys. Apparently Erectile Evan had done enough shots to have the courage to ask Chad to open his wallet, but that impulse was quickly squashed. Regardless: I cannot WAIT for Chad on Bachelor in Paradise.

Rose Ceremony:

Chase and those inflatable balls… Great... Next, please? Chase is smokin’ hott, buuuut... that’s pretty much it.

Robby and the fountain wish: I DO NOT care and CANNOT be bothered.

JoJo has learned that if she taps the outer corner of her eye after a potentially emotional moment, the audience will find her to be sympathetic. (Can I take a second to whine about her eyelashes? Who is doing the eyelashes this season? Because they are GARBAGE. RACHEL GALEY WHERE YOU AT??) I don't hate this poem from James F right now, but we all know he's going home. (Quick side note: I follow a high number of moms on Instagram. Sorry I'm not sorry. Therefore even more moms show up on my "Discover" pane, that I look at when I get bored. I saw a post from a mom on there that I babysit for here in LA and two of the first likes were from Grant and James F! I was about to text her and be like, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM TELL ME EVERYTHING" but then I realized... she used "#bachelorette" in her post, because it was her little sister's bachelorette party... So these poor dudes are trolling social media and hitting the like button in order to gain followers. Crazy Olivia from Ben's season liked one of my photos the other day that used "#BachelorNation." I dare you guys to try using one of those hashtags in a post and see what happens. Cause we all know if they get enough followers, they'll get paid to start peddling Flat Tummy Tea, soooooo....)

I’ve already spoken to Granny and Big Daddy about how I’m bringing James T. home to meet them. Big Daddy says he looks like a loser, but I keep telling him it's just the black eye. 

Good ole Jordan backed JoJo into a wall and laid one on her. Katie Bocksel shares my sentiment that Arie still holds the number one spot for a back-her-into-a-wall kiss, but Big Daddy was not impressed with this move: “Ewww. She is a slut. That black nail polish sucks."

Gran and Big Daddy were also delighted to see C. Harrison: “Oh there’s The Tool!” they both said.   
Fun fact: about ten years ago, we taught Big Daddy what the word “tool” meant by pointing him to Chris Harrison. "You know, he doesn't really have a job, but he's on hand to show up if he needs to? That's a tool."

During the rose ceremony, Big Daddy stood up and started walking out of the room. I said, "Dad, you need to sit back down. I need you to be here for me right now, I need you to support my life." 
BIG DADDY: You mean this isn't almost over?
GRACE: It's been on for fifteen minutes, of course it's not over. Sit down.
BIG DADDY: Well I need to use the toilet.
GRACE: Ok well you can't go until the commercial. And please don't say "use the toilet."  

Roses went to: Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, Sweet Baby James, and Erectile Evan

We said goodbye to: Daniel and James F. I'm sad that James had to go home after that poem. 
...but not that sad. 

BIG DADDY: Grace, The Bachelor makes you take an STD test before you go on there.
GRACE: I need you to stop reading facts from your iPhone and be present for this episode. 

JoJo spouts off some terrible couplet that one of the Bachelorette PAs was bullied into writing and they go to.... Uruguay. Which is close to Paraguay, Sweet Baby James informs us.

I love that Vinny has set up shop at the hotel. Literally. He set up a barber shop. He is scoring so many points with me right now. Also points to the Bachelorette PA that snuck in a copy of "In Touch Weekly."

And I equally love how convinced the guys are that In Touch is a legitimate magazine.

(ps - where was Vinny when Kaitlyn butchered Josh's hair, this time last year?)

One on One Date: Jordan

Ok, let me say a word about Jordan, here. About a year ago, I got really into studying body language. (I go through phases of things that I'm interested in; read a bunch of books, then move on. Current craze right now is graphology: the study of handwriting) I'M NOT AN EXPERT. I wouldn't study a picture of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez and give a definitive analysis to People Magazine. Seriously, someone did that once, and I remember thinking it was cool. Waaaaaaait for it... Here's the picture:
It's all in the eyes...

So reading body language is pretty much as straightforward as you'd think it is, but you learn lot of interesting things along the way. Like how to look for micro expressions and how to look for clusters of behavior (you can't usually read an isolated gesture. It should be accompanied by one or two more, in order to make a definitive call.) I seriously can't believe I'm going into all this right now BUT WHAT I'M GETTING AT is that I noticed several things about Jordan's behavior in his and and JoJo's conversation about his ex-girlfriend...

- Pursed lips: he was literally trying to keep himself from speaking
- Combing his hair: this is called a self-soothing or pacifying gesture: he is trying to keep himself calm
- Scratching his ears: more self-soothing.
- Biting his lips: staving off feelings of anxiety
(side note: the combing of the hair or scratching the neck or ears stimulates nerves which release oxytocin, which has a calming effect. It's an actual thing.)

OH AND NOW JORDAN IS DROPPING THE PASTOR CARD. Even Big Daddy can smell a rat, "He's just talking about his pastor so she'll like him." Thank you, Big Daddy.

Final comment: When JoJo brought up how he said he was falling in love with her, he rolled his eyes when he said "It's true." It was brief. This is what is referred to as a micro expression. If I hadn't been on high alert, I probably would have missed it. But seriously... who rolls their eyes about that stuff??

When confronting Jordan, JoJo tells us that she didn't "want to hear something that would hurt her." 

Way to go, girl. Way to JO. 

I am so bored by this falling out about her ex-boyfriend. We haven't seen an actual tear on her face, through this whole spiel. Oh wait, there's one. Vinny is also trying hard to cry...

Group Date: Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex

Big Daddy has taken to his ePhone (as he calls it) and is reading up, tossing out more facts. 
BIG DADDY: (reading from phone) Do you remember Jake Peeveekna?
GRACE: Dad, it's "Pavelka." 
BIG DADDY: There was a girl who got divorced before she came on his season....
GRACE: Her name was Tenley Molzahn.
BIG DADDY: What about a guy named Craig?
GRACE: He was on Ali Fedotowsky's season. 
BIG DADDY: How about-
GRANNY: Jim you should really just put a sock in it. She's obviously heard of them. Can't stump the chump. Please notice how I've been quiet this whole time cause you know how much Grace hates talking during her TV shows...


As the rain pours down on this group date, we see Derek start to implode. We see him suffering from first date syndrome. He gets a sympathy rose, but trust me, this is coming...

One on One Date: Robby 

I am so ROYALLY bored by Robby. He 100% does NOT look like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, right now. That is an abysmal comparison, JoJo. There is nothing spontaneous about him. A producer told him to convince her to jump. Otherwise NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD JUST JUMP OFF A CLIFF INTO POTENTIALLY ROCKY WATER. (shout out to this time last year when Cupcake was on a ledge...) Robby loves JoJo, allegedly. He has known her for... a month? I'm so torn. Because I say "I love you" all the time, everywhere, we've been over this:

So half of me gets it. And while we all know I could never be on this show because I wouldn't be able to wear a visor during the out door interviews, I just want to say that if I WERE on the show, it would take a lot more than three roses to garner an "I love you." That's it - it's not the amount of time that I find alarming, it's the amount of quality moments spent together (or lack thereof) that I find to be appalling.

Blah blah blahhh I'm so bored by these two. Robby's Mom cries at every movie. So does JoJo's. Know what else JoJo's mom does?

Nailed it. 

And you KNOW that Robby was high fiving himself in the bathroom as he concocted this speech where he tells her he loves her. He talked about the death of his best friend, how he doesn't want to hide anything from her...

Aaaaand then he did this:

I am DONE.

Derek pulls aside Robby, Jordan, Alex and Chase and tells them that they have a clique. So apparently the In Touch Weekly drama wasn't enough, the producer's had to drum up EVEN more, so they egged Derek into calling these guys out. I couldn't possibly care any less. Except I like how Wells remarked that it was a move of valor. Thank you for elevating the vocab level here, Wells Fargo. 

Dear Evan, you will never be a front runner. Love, America

Roses went to: Luke, Chase, Alex, James, and Wells

Said goodbye to Vinny, Erectile Evan and Grant

Vinny is the 100% best contestant alive for Bachelor in Paradise. Can't wait. Also can't wait for Chad at the Men Tell All....

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

Monday, June 13, 2016


First things first: Johnny and I watched the season premiere of UnReal, before we watched this second episode on Tuesday. If you're not watching that show then you ABSOLUTELY must stop what you're doing rightthissecond and go watch it. And while we obviously love him for a wealth of reasons other than this, I am going to let you know that half the cast of that show knows Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny Langan. He won't be signing autographs at this time.

Picking up where we left off: Pool Party.

This is how I feel about pool parties:
Like, could we not?
JoJo driving up to the mansion in this car is reminding me of that wretched montage we had to sit through with Dez. YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I HATED DEZ. Then I'm reminded of how that guy Ben "stole Dez away" for a car ride that one time (before another stupid pool party) and lied to the guys about it. Then later that same guy Ben had to go on a two-on-one that was in a LEGIT "hot tug." It was a hot tub. Pulled by a tug boat. And then when I think about how much of a mess that was, I'm reminded of that time after Bachelor Pad that Blakeley and Tony got engaged, but aren't together anymore and now...

Ok, ok, I'm back, Pool parties. Right. Listen, all I really want to do in life is float on a swan with James T... Is that too much to ask?

I'm ok with the fact that JoJo wants to lay low and have an un-cocktail party, but BOY are her roots looking ROUGH right now, as she's talking to Jordan... I'M JUST STATING THE OBVIOUS.

Chad somehow compares himself and Evan to make it sound like someone is choosing restaurants? The metaphors on this season are out of this world and I am loving it. In the past 24 hours we've had Hitler AND Olive Garden...

I wonder what restaurant Mussolini would choose... 


Once Chad sought shelter under the roof of the mansion, he ended up talking to Derek and DEREK JUST SLAYED THIS CONFRONTATION. I would send Derek back into a burning house. He was so basic in my book right until this moment.

SEND THAT MAN INTO A BURNING HOUSE, I SAY! Whatta guy. He didn't accuse, but he had specific examples to back himself up - I'm not even a counselor but DARN that boy is every counselor's dream student...

Roses went to: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F. Vinny (Johnny was so happy. He relentlessly roots for the basic underdogs) Daniel, Alex, and Chad

We said goodbye to: Christian, James F, Ali and Nick. Good luck with that unemployment, Ali!

Side note: I have big hopes for Chad on Bachelor in Paradise. I REALLY wanna see him up against Clare Crawley (CAN YOU IMAGINE?!) but I'll still take a Chad and Lace any day of the week.
#Chase #Lad

We go to... Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. I'm guessing it was cheap. Don't know why else they would.

One on One: Luke

Johnny has come to refer to him as "Meth Luke... He really just looks like he's done lots and lots of meth."

I'm already thrown off by the fact that we don't see the two of them walking up to one another, or her schmaltzy explanation of what they're doing on the date, but they just launch right into this go kart iditarod thing that's happening...

Then oh, wouldn't you know? Meth Luke has to chop wood to get the hot tub working... Except apparently it was already working and is giving JoJo second degree burns... Obviously the only thing I have to say about getting into a HOT hot tub is... This is me:
All the sweating. 

Quick observation: Luke's teeth are not real. But thank you for your service, Luke.

Why won't he look her in the eye right now? Is it because his skin is falling off due to massive underwater burns?

Don't get me wrong - DO NOT get me wrong (I'm also a little jaded after watching the episode of UnReal about five seconds ago) Luke is telling an emotional story... But he isn't emotional... At all.
JOHNNY: I hate him.
GRACE: He served our country!
JOHNNY: And his voice sounds like acid rain... He looks good on camera. But he's dead inside.

Quick memo: you guys, I love Dan and Shay so much. They have ALL the harmony and I live for it.

Group date: Derek James T Daniel Chase Wells Vinny James F Evan Grant Jordan Robby

VINNY : There's Ben Rothlisburger... (Did I spell his name correctly? I don't even care)
GRACE : There's Ben Rothlisburger... an ACTUAL caveman.

I'm loving JoJo's subsequent conversation with Ben Hamburgler about the guys... It's a lot more candid than say, Emily Maynard's half conversation about Arie with Dolly Parton... (I don't know why this particular commentary has so many throwbacks, but I'm so into it...)

So Sweet Baby James T gets hit pretty hard... and now he's talking about not wanting stitches ... While looking like an ACTUAL mummy...

I am made even more uncomfortable by Erectile Evan's presence, in life. Shoutout to my friend Catherine, real estate Bachelor genius, who remarked that she could tell me the condo complex where Erectile Evan lived, because it was made very obvious during his intro video... Which raises my respect for Catherine... And lowers it for EE. Obviously if James T lived in a recognizable condo complex, it would be a completely different story. I'll own my double standards any day of the week.

The blue team won (or was it the white team? Don't care.) There was an after party. May we NEVER forget the awkward post-game party that Tierra awkwardly crashed, on Sean Lowe's season... Robby awkwardly hefted JoJo up on a pool table, just now. I'm bored. I want to nurse James back to health.

JoJo tells Jordan that he's "hard to read." What she really means is that he's not giving her enough affirmation. Still bored. He gets the rose.

JoJo LOVES messing with dude hair. Which is probably 50% due to her, and 50% due to the wimpy undercut thing that's in, right now.


It's like Luke has some kind of immunity, and doesn't care about the stakes of ANY of his questions to Chad. He fearlessly asks him about being antagonized and I am into it. 

Jordan: This isn't only for Alex, this is for America
Johnny: ....Ferrera! It's for America Ferrera!

That single rose on the wood shaving right now:

Put on some crocs and JUST GIVE UP cause this show is the best
Ugh WHEN will someone realize that they need to make it about the COUPLE on the two-on-one! Alex, make it about you two, not about Chad! (But totally make it about Chad, because we LOVE The Chadlorette) Also quick shout-out to Alex for conjuring up the term "YOU ARE A MELTDOWN," to Chad, a few weeks ago. I have yelled that to no less than fifty people in Los Angeles traffic since then and I feel GREAT about it...

I'm still mad about the two-on-one on Ashley Herbert's season where that guy Will backstabbed that nice guy who did the flashmob date with Ashley and got him sent home... Give me oneeee moment:
Ben C.  Ben C was his name:
Rest in peace, Ben and Ahsley. Bashley. 
Let me tell you what JoJo's "overwhelming emotion" is about right now: being terrified for her life now that she's sending Chad home.

Chad's stupid whistle is so epic. YOU GUYS I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MEN TELL ALL. Ugh. I love this show to the max.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Be Not So Much like Hitler.... Maybe More Mussolini

Let me just get something off my chest: I joined a gym, you guys. I walked into a Gold's Gym that is close to my office, sat down with the membership guy and said, "Bro, I haven't seen this many meatheads in a room since I was in Miami with half the Jersey Shore..." He gave me a funny smile and said, "Yeah, well, people love to work out here! We've been here since..." 

I come to find out: THIS IS THE ORIGINAL GOLD'S GYM. The Arnold trained there. Pictures of Bruce Jenner and Mr. Olympia line the wall. It is full of bodybuilders and it is Nutso MaGee. I'm obviously only there for the stairmaster, which is actually great, because no one wants to do cardio since they're too busy pumping iron and taking selfies (I'm NOT joking about any of this) but the bottom line: what you saw Chad doing tonight on the Bachelor Mansion patio (where was his sun protection? #VisorLyfe) is what I see ON THE REG. Times a billion. And it's insane. There is a section outside where you can just toss big tractor tires because apparently that's a thing. I get gym culture, but bodybuilding culture is totally foreign to me and I think it is hilarious. One time Big Daddy asked me if I felt intimidated. I said "It would be like me going to a math convention. I can't even compete, so why would I feel any intimidation? There are women at this gym who have arms the size of my LEGS, But the StairMaster is apparently Kryptonite to them, so we exist in perfect harmony..." 

I've seriously been on the lookout for Chad, lately, and will obviously double my security when it comes time to film the Men Tell All


Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery Members: Carolyn & Johnny.

It's the morning after the rose ceremony: the guys are hung over. They're dudes. What else is new?

ERECTILE EVAN: If Chad gets a date this week and I don't, I'm going to be so upset.
JOHNNY: ...he's going to be so upset, I'm calling it right now...

One on One Date: Chase

Sweet Baby James reads Chase's name on the date card and Johnny asks "Which one is Chase? They all look the same...." All three of us managed to call Jordan by the name of his brother, Aaron, before Johnny finally realized it... Sorry, Jordan.


This yoga instructer Himalaya, or whatever her name is, is a mess. She is very clearly a roommate of one of the producers that happens to be able to do a headstand. She had a break between auditions and you know they just threw her in there and said "Ask them about whether they've had sex and act really weird about it. Talk about chakras." Chase reminds me of Tanner from Kaitlyn's season and I'm kind of into it. (CAN I GET A WITNESS, GEORGE TYLER?!)

Meanwhile, back on the farm at the mansion, Edward Cullen and Troglodyte Chad are in love with each other. Any guesses on how long it will be before Edward Cullen realizes he has made a TERRIBLE choice in his dude alliance in the house?

And there's no way this yoga room is 100 degrees on this date right now. I would be DRENCHED.
This is me working out, ALWAYS
So then they did this thing where they sat on each other's laps, and it was pretty much called this:

Am I wrong?

I don't even know what ChoJo is talking about at dinner right now, Chase is a child of divorce. Love overcomes fear. I'm bored.

GRACE: OMG It's Charles Kelly!
JOHNNY: (Blank look)
GRACE: He's in Lady Antebellum. Brother to Josh Kelly. Brother-in-law to Katherine Heigl.
JOHNNY: Does Josh Kelly sing that song that you made me listen to in Ralph's that one time?
GRACE: Probably. I wouldn't put it past me.

Group Date:
Jordan, Grant, Wells. James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad


I'm so curious as to what made this such a perfect storm for them to attack each other. We haven't seen a confrontation like this in YEARS. Was it actually late at night and the guys were tired? Had they all been the right amount of overserved and underfed? I'm so curious.

At the theatre, Vinny is very overwhelmed by this date. And honestly, I am too. Having been fed a bowl of superficial soup by producers, JoJo goes on to tell us how she thinks that intimacy is important in relationships. So obviously the greatest way to foster intimacy is to talk about sex in front of strangers.

And I won't even.


Chad is really upset about the date and is whining to Edward Cullen about it. Johnny pointed out that they weren't given 45 minutes to write a bit, they were given 45 minutes to throw back some drinks.

But actually... 

After that WHOLE thing... Johnny's only remark was "I really hope Vinny doesn't go home."
GRACE: He's already getting a loser edit.
JOHNNY: I love him. Drinking that water. He's so great. Look at that hair cut.

JoJo is done listening to Jordan and she tried to shut him up by leaning on his shoulder... but he took zero cues and kept right on talking...

JOHNNY: I just want to know... did they all go to the leather store before this, or didn't they? Still, we should go to wherever this date is happening. I really like this place.
CAROLYN: ...It's probably close to a leather store.

I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING. This continued confrontation between Evan and Chad is too much. I love it all.

JOJO: Evan, will you come with me?
JOHNNY: She's going to help one of the crew members with erectile dysfunction. That's why she pulled Evan aside. "Evan, does this look strange to you?"

One on One: Sweet Baby James

On the Culver Hotel:
CAROLYN: I've been there!
GRACE: Me too!
JOHNNY: Not me. (we see an old lady) Oh wait, yes I have been. There's me, Of course. Dancing with that old woman.

I have never seen Johnny as smitten with anyone in life as smitten as he was with swing dancer Jane.
Correction: Jean. We were so obsessed with her that we did some rewinding and turned on closed captions to figure out that woman's name: Jean Veloz. I'm not kidding when I say "obsessed:"

"Do I look like her?" 

Remember how much I loved Wells last week? THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT JAMES T. THIS WEEK. I THINK JAMES T IS THE MOST CHARMING THING TO TAKE THE TELEVISION SINCE BEN HIGGINS. (Also: shout out to the dancing date that Ben and Kaitlyn had. Maybe I'm just a sucker for charming guys that can't dance.)

Back at the mansion, Edward Cullen is making metaphors about Adolf Hitler and talking about how Chad is "dregging him doon," He later says "negefied," and I don't even know what to say about it. This guy is a gift to television.

Also quick shoutout to Hare's fluffy pink linen shirt, right now. It's pretty perfect.

Oooooooof course it's to be continued.
Womp woooomp... 

Real talk: I don't know when I'm going to get to tomorrow's episode. Please stay tuned. In the meantime, my brother had some un-good advice:

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Update: I'm posting night 2 commentary next week SINCE WE HAVE TO GO A WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT THE SHOW.