Johnny: Is tonight Paradise Cove?
Johnny: Adventure Island?
Johnny: Yeah whatever. The sex date.
Grace: FANTASY SUITE, THIS ISN'T REAL WORLD: BALI.
Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)
Johnny: I wanna know what’s going through his mind when he has these moments of sitting and staring at things.
Grace: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Johnny: You’re so right. There are literally no thoughts in his head.
Let’s start this off with the most obvious elephant in the room: Bali is clearly VERY muggy. There is so much sweating on this date. I won't even say anything more because I sympathize WAY too much to even vaguely make fun of any of it.
As we see this date in Monkey Jungle, I can't help but be overcome with a single thought: THERE ARE GONNA BE SOME AMAZING OUTTAKES AT THE END OF THIS EPISODE. (Spoiler alert: there weren't. Chris isn't funny or apparently able to even pretend to speak to animals.)
Oh and then we got the monkey metaphors… they go after what they want… how ironic that we’re hearing Kaitlyn, of all three girls, say that she’s hesitant to go get what she wants… Just a quick reminder for our friends at home: this is the chick who waltzed up to Chris and said "You can plow the [beep] out of my fields anytime!" on the first night...
Alas, she mentions it in her interview and she's currently talking about it at dinner with Chris: DID I CALL THE VULNERABILITY THING OR DID I CALL THE VULNERABILITY THING? Except until Chris goes off on his speech about vulnerability, and an assortment of other qualities for which he very likely would NOT be able to provide a definition.… Johnny definitely nodded off. There was snoring....
And then there was:
Kaitlyn: I have NO questions right now.
Grace: Except maybe “What would I do in Arlington? Cause they definitely haven’t heard of Hip-Hop there.”
Whitney very strategically started off by telling Chris that she was displeased with her sister’s reaction to him on her hometown date because she was worried that it might affect where HE stood with her. Of course Chris TOTALLY missed this memo and just tried to pat her on the head and told her not to worry about it… He was probably distracted by the tanner on her face that didn't match the tanner on the rest of her body... (Shoutout to my girl Crystal, who picked up on that one...)
Can we talk about some of Whitney's next words?
“I love Chris so much my heart could explode… I feel very confident that I will marry Chris.”
This is how I feel about it:
Quick observation: so Chris told Kaitlyn he’s "falling in love with her too." But yet didn’t ask her anything about how she’d do teaching hip hop in Arlington, meanwhile he is VERY inquisitive of Whitney, about it… SOMETHING IS AMISS...
Whilst defending (excusing) the small town of Iowa to Whitney, we heard:
Chris: Des Moines is two hours away. If you wanna be somewhere, you drive.
Johnny: Well no wonder he has fifty DUIs!
OMG OMG "CHECK PLEASE" FROM WHITNEY, HELLOOOOO TRIBUTE TO RYAN SUTTER. Elisa Goodrich and I might have been the only two people who caught that, but I am on Team Whitney, after that remark.
(For our friends at home: "Check please!" was what Ryan Sutter said to Trista Rhen on the overnight date on the first season of The Bachelorette.)
I have so little to say about Becca’s date… Except how stressed I am that she’s come THIS far and HASN’T told him that she’s NEVER. HAD. SEX.
Listen, by ALL means: wait till marriage. YES. YAAAAAS. However… be a little more forthright about it… Just a tad. At one point, Johnny remarked "It's just not who she is, to come right out and tell him..." Carolyn and I were both on board with this for several seconds before I realized (and articulated) "She has LITERALLY told America that she's a virgin... and hasn't told him. EVERYONE except for Chris knows. I don't think that's worth a "it's who she is" dismissal..."
The oracle-guru (hey, better than the sex guru) told them that they should make love. After he informed Chris that Becca's biggest weakness was that she was "hard to control."
|And I'm sure Chris's was "No crops in his fields"|
Alright, time for a sidetrack: I've mostly avoided this rant all season because I know if I go too far down that track, I'll never return...
|But actually.... This could be me...|
And sure, it's The Bachelor. We know we're gonna get some good ole fashioned women degradation. But last night was too much. Is it COMPLETELY unreasonable to wonder why there is absolutely NO discussion of how Chris might alter his life to accommodate these women? Because the only - ONLY questions he's been asking are "Who could move to Arlington? Who's told me that they love me?" It's not like the man actually works on a farm - why can't he conduct his farm biz from Chicago, huh?
So Chris and Becca spend dinner kind of circling around whether or not she could see herself in Iowa... She still hasn't played the virginity card.... Oh you KNOW those camera guys were high-fiving the life out of each other about that shot of the reflection of Chris and Becca in the water... They make it to the suite... SHE STILL HASN'T PLAYED THE VIRGINITY CARD.
Whew - finally, FINALLY as they're sitting on the edge of the bed, she drops the bomb. What's my favorite line in Chris's response? "It's never easy to respond to this kind of stuff..."
Oh really? Is it that difficult, Christopher? Or is it that you thought you were getting laid tonight and are having to respond to the denial of the D? (Listen, Ma, I'm sorry to be so crass, BUT YOU ALL KNOW THIS IS TRUE. *Is helped up onto feminism soapbox by Johnny Langan*) And you can BET YOUR BIVVY that if Chris is going to act like the sole purpose of these women is to serve his Neanderthal needs and produce little Chris and Christina Soules, then I will CERTAINLY continue to speak like this.
(*steps down from soapbox* Whew! I don't know why I got so carried away! I don't know that I could even tell you the formal definition of "bivvy." I think I will choose to blame my father for raising me to be relentlessly outspoken...)
Also let's clap it up for Chris's "And I'd be lying if I said I'm not...I'd be lying if I said I'm surprised..."
Oh geez. It's now the next morning and we hear that Chris might have to send Becca home…. Or Kaitlyn… OR EVEN WHITNEY! (Lies. He is feeding us lies like candy.)
True life: the difference between “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m in love with you”…what is it? Is some girl going to get to the end and say, “Yeah, I was falling in love with you, but I JUUUUST missed it, and I’m not there anymore.” Cause I'm pretty sure in BachelorLand, 'I've fallen in love with you' holds more weight than 'I'm falling in love with you.' (Listen, I think it's horrifying that the contestants are pressured into saying ANYTHING about love after spending maybe 12 hours total with the Bachelor, but does anyone else remember when they were forced into saying "I love you" on the show?? Honestly maybe that was better because it forced them to speak with relative commitment... But these are millennials. What do we know if commitment?)
|Except when it's not...|
Ah, and only Chris Harrison could give such a stern paternal warning about the sacred nature of this Rose Ceremony temple, followed by “With that being said… how ya doing?”
...Farming is doing no better than he was during the heart-to-heart this morning...
Clearly the Bachelor stylist just went to TOWN and did each of the girls’ hair in the way that she’s been DYING to for weeks, now. For once, Kaitlyn’s hair is pulled out of her face. Whitney and Becca’s hair also looks amazing. I am so into this messy up-do on Becca right now... Wait but can this stylist do my wedding, please?
OHMIGAH THE GAME IS CHANGING DURING THIS BECCA-CHRIS CHAT RIGHT NOW.
Well... the LRPG votes are in:
Johnny: Who do you think is going home?
Grace: Cause I think it’s Becca… which makes me think it’s Kaitlyn. Makes me think this is all a dirty set up from the editors…
OHHHHHH GOODBYE KAITLYN.
Aaaaaaaand Chris has her hand in a vice grip. Her fingers are purple. I know this because I can see them hanging out of his hand that he's clenching...
Chris walks her out and has literally said NOTHING of use in the past three minutes. Although I'm distracted because I’m SUPER focused on how amazing her skin looks at age 29. And how she’s made it through so gracefully, up until this point… The whole LRPG was cheering her on, NOT to have a breakdown when he was saying goodbye – EVEN THE ROOSTER WAS PISSED.
Ohhhh she made it to the van and then.... she broke down, cradled in his arms.
Carolyn: YOU’RE SO CLOSE!
Grace: KEEP IT TOGETHER, NO MA’AM WE DO NOT BREAK DOWN RIGHT NOW!
Chin up, Kaitlyn. Women Tell All next week. America (and the roosters) are on your side: