Tuesday, February 24, 2015

No Problem, Just A Little Pee Pee...

Earlier in the kitchen this evening:
Johnny: Is tonight Paradise Cove?
Grace: Huh?
Johnny: Adventure Island?
Grace: …Bali?
Johnny: Yeah whatever. The sex date.

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Lezzbe honest: Bali is gorgeous. Prince Farming is decently attractive.
But Farming + Contemplative walks out on the Bali Terrain = 
But actually...

Johnny: I wanna know what’s going through his mind when he has these moments of sitting and staring at things.
Grace: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Johnny: You’re so right. There are literally no thoughts in his head.

Let’s start this off with the most obvious elephant in the room: Bali is clearly VERY muggy. There is so much sweating on this date. I won't even say anything more because I sympathize WAY too much to even vaguely make fun of any of it.

Overnight: Kaitlyn

As we see this date in Monkey Jungle, I can't help but be overcome with a single thought: THERE ARE GONNA BE SOME AMAZING OUTTAKES AT THE END OF THIS EPISODE. (Spoiler alert: there weren't. Chris isn't funny or apparently able to even pretend to speak to animals.)

Oh and then we got the monkey metaphors… they go after what they want… how ironic that we’re hearing Kaitlyn, of all three girls, say that she’s hesitant to go get what she wants… Just a quick reminder for our friends at home: this is the chick who waltzed up to Chris and said "You can plow the [beep] out of my fields anytime!" on the first night...

Alas, she mentions it in her interview and she's currently talking about it at dinner with Chris: DID I CALL THE VULNERABILITY THING OR DID I CALL THE VULNERABILITY THING? Except until Chris goes off on his speech about vulnerability, and an assortment of other qualities for which he very likely would NOT be able to provide a definition.… Johnny definitely nodded off. There was snoring....

And then there was:
Kaitlyn: I have NO questions right now.
Grace: Except maybe “What would I do in Arlington? Cause they definitely haven’t heard of Hip-Hop there.”


Overnight: Whitney

Whitney very strategically started off by telling Chris that she was displeased with her sister’s reaction to him on her hometown date because she was worried that it might affect where HE stood with her. Of course Chris TOTALLY missed this memo and just tried to pat her on the head and told her not to worry about it… He was probably distracted by the tanner on her face that didn't match the tanner on the rest of her body... (Shoutout to my girl Crystal, who picked up on that one...)

Can we talk about some of Whitney's next words?

“I love Chris so much my heart could explode… I feel very confident that I will marry Chris.”

This is how I feel about it:

Quick observation: so Chris told Kaitlyn he’s "falling in love with her too." But yet didn’t ask her anything about how she’d do teaching hip hop in Arlington, meanwhile he is VERY inquisitive of Whitney, about it… SOMETHING IS AMISS...

Whilst defending (excusing) the small town of Iowa to Whitney, we heard:

Chris: Des Moines is two hours away. If you wanna be somewhere, you drive.
Johnny: Well no wonder he has fifty DUIs!

OMG OMG "CHECK PLEASE" FROM WHITNEY, HELLOOOOO TRIBUTE TO RYAN SUTTER. Elisa Goodrich and I might have been the only two people who caught that, but I am on Team Whitney, after that remark.

(For our friends at home: "Check please!" was what Ryan Sutter said to Trista Rhen on the overnight date on the first season of The Bachelorette.)

Overnight: Becca

I have so little to say about Becca’s date… Except how stressed I am that she’s come THIS far and HASN’T told him that she’s NEVER. HAD. SEX.

Listen, by ALL means: wait till marriage. YES. YAAAAAS. However… be a little more forthright about it… Just a tad. At one point, Johnny remarked "It's just not who she is, to come right out and tell him..." Carolyn and I were both on board with this for several seconds before I realized (and articulated) "She has LITERALLY told America that she's a virgin... and hasn't told him. EVERYONE except for Chris knows. I don't think that's worth a "it's who she is" dismissal..."

The oracle-guru (hey, better than the sex guru) told them that they should make love. After he informed Chris that Becca's biggest weakness was that she was "hard to control."

And I'm sure Chris's was "No crops in his fields"

Alright, time for a sidetrack: I've mostly avoided this rant all season because I know if I go too far down that track, I'll never return...

But actually.... This could be me... 
The misogyny is rampant this season, obviously. OBVIOUSLY. From Ashley I's high virginity horse to Jimmy Kimmel's Hall Pass double standards to there being NO negotiation of Chris giving up a single THING for these women...

And sure, it's The Bachelor. We know we're gonna get some good ole fashioned women degradation. But last night was too much. Is it COMPLETELY unreasonable to wonder why there is absolutely NO discussion of how Chris might alter his life to accommodate these women? Because the only - ONLY questions he's been asking are "Who could move to Arlington? Who's told me that they love me?" It's not like the man actually works on a farm - why can't he conduct his farm biz from Chicago, huh?

So Chris and Becca spend dinner kind of circling around whether or not she could see herself in Iowa... She still hasn't played the virginity card.... Oh you KNOW those camera guys were high-fiving the life out of each other about that shot of the reflection of Chris and Becca in the water... They make it to the suite... SHE STILL HASN'T PLAYED THE VIRGINITY CARD.

Whew - finally, FINALLY as they're sitting on the edge of the bed, she drops the bomb. What's my favorite line in Chris's response? "It's never easy to respond to this kind of stuff..."

Oh really? Is it that difficult, Christopher? Or is it that you thought you were getting laid tonight and are having to respond to the denial of the D? (Listen, Ma, I'm sorry to be so crass, BUT YOU ALL KNOW THIS IS TRUE. *Is helped up onto feminism soapbox by Johnny Langan*) And you can BET YOUR BIVVY that if Chris is going to act like the sole purpose of these women is to serve his Neanderthal needs and produce little Chris and Christina Soules, then I will CERTAINLY continue to speak like this.

(*steps down from soapbox* Whew! I don't know why I got so carried away! I don't know that I could even tell you the formal definition of "bivvy."  I think I will choose to blame my father for raising me to be relentlessly outspoken...)

Also let's clap it up for Chris's "And I'd be lying if I said I'm not...I'd be lying if I said I'm surprised..."


Oh geez. It's now the next morning and we hear that Chris might have to send Becca home…. Or Kaitlyn… OR EVEN WHITNEY! (Lies. He is feeding us lies like candy.)

True life: the difference between “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m in love with you”…what is it? Is some girl going to get to the end and say, “Yeah, I was falling in love with you, but I JUUUUST missed it, and I’m not there anymore.” Cause I'm pretty sure in BachelorLand, 'I've fallen in love with you' holds more weight than 'I'm falling in love with you.' (Listen, I think it's horrifying that the contestants are pressured into saying ANYTHING about love after spending maybe 12 hours total with the Bachelor, but does anyone else remember when they were forced into saying  "I love you" on the show?? Honestly maybe that was better because it forced them to speak with relative commitment... But these are millennials. What do we know if commitment?)

Except when it's not... 

Thank GOODNESS Chris Harrison is there so he (and we) can talk it out. Hare is truly floored that Farming can actually imagine a future with ALL three women. He can't hide the surprise in his voice. And neither can we. I'm pretty sure that Farming's biggest obstacle at this point is his fear of messing up. As in: which of the women is the LEAST of a risk in the end? What woman holds the SMALLEST possibility of high-tailing it out of there, as soon as she sees Arlington? I'll go ahead and give Chris some awareness points for this - Arlington is his biggest insecurity, and although the women try to tell him to be more proud of where he's from, he's not wrong in fearing that he won't be able to bring home a woman to live in a GHOST TOWN.

Ah, and only Chris Harrison could give such a stern paternal warning about the sacred nature of this Rose Ceremony temple, followed by “With that being said… how ya doing?”

...Farming is doing no better than he was during the heart-to-heart this morning...

Clearly the Bachelor stylist just went to TOWN and did each of the girls’ hair in the way that she’s been DYING to for weeks, now. For once, Kaitlyn’s hair is pulled out of her face. Whitney and Becca’s hair also looks amazing. I am so into this messy up-do on Becca right now... Wait but can this stylist do my wedding, please?


Well... the LRPG votes are in:

Johnny: Who do you think is going home?
Carolyn: Kaitlyn.
Grace: Kaitlyn.
Johnny: Same.
Grace: Cause I think it’s Becca… which makes me think it’s Kaitlyn. Makes me think this is all a dirty set up from the editors…

We all got in the fetal position as we heard Kaitlyn tell the camera that she'd be pretty stoked if Becca went home... Suddenly we all realized that Kaitlyn was, in fact, getting the Loser's Edit and was going home VERY shortly...


Aaaaaaaand Chris has her hand in a vice grip. Her fingers are purple. I know this because I can see them hanging out of his hand that he's clenching...

Chris walks her out and has literally said NOTHING of use in the past three minutes. Although I'm distracted because I’m SUPER focused on how amazing her skin looks at age 29. And how she’s made it through so gracefully, up until this point… The whole LRPG was cheering her on, NOT to have a breakdown when he was saying goodbye – EVEN THE ROOSTER WAS PISSED.

Ohhhh she made it to the van and then.... she broke down, cradled in his arms.


Chin up, Kaitlyn. Women Tell All next week. America (and the roosters) are on your side:

Sunday, February 22, 2015

"I Won't Say It Was a Deal-breaker, but..."


As Carly so wisely put it: "It's another thing to say 'don't Google my wife.'"

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

First things first: I'm sad we didn't see a hometown date with Carly. Zak Attack would have been there and I would have LOVED to witness Chris watch a family singalong.



The Living Room Peanut Gallery likes Becca because she is simple, quite like Prince Farming. She tells the camera how she's basically never had feelings for any guy anywhere, ever. But she's glad Farming is in her hometown. Seeking a natural Leezyana experience, they go for a little rowboat ride...

Methinks it was supposed to be like this:

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

But per BachelorUze, it went more like this:

If you haven't seen this, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING and watch Just Friends

They kiss in the boat for a little while before they realize that a crab is NOT going to come out singing "Kiss the Girl," not to mention the fact that it's rather hard to successfully.. kiss a girl... on a boat, before they eventually retire to the veranda (her parents' house) for some mint juleps (some chastity).

Let's clap it up for Becca's sister Katie, who makes her out to be NOTHING LESS than a spinster lesbian. For inquiring minds: according to Katie's Twitter, she was displeased with how she was depicted on this episode. How anyone could express displeasure over a portrayal of themselves to which they have legally given away ANY AND ALL rights is BEYOND me...

Here's what's striking: (according to the editors, at least) not only has Becca never brought a guy home before, but her family didn't think she was capable of bringing one home. They didn't say "well we've never seen her holding a guy's hand and we're sure glad it's you, Prince Farming!" they said "We've never seen her hold a guy's hand. It's weird." WHERE ARE YOUR CHEERLEADERS, BECCA??! (Apparently they're at Starmont High School, still trying to raise money for cheerleading uniforms)


Special shoutout at this moment to Kirk's family, on Ali Fedotowsky's season, with the taxidermy, and shoutout to Dez's (NOW HUSBAND) Chris, whose Dad did a chiropractic family date...

Regardless of her oddly unsupportive family, I WILL give Prince Farming points for NOT running away from the Beckster: "it would be great to be the guy who Becca has been waiting for..."

ps - during the ferris wheel part, I turned to the LRPG and said: "The only way I'll ride a ferris wheel with a guy is if we have scripts in our hands and we're reenacting the scene from season one of The OC, between Ryan and Marissa..."

CHICAGO: Whitney

Am I wrong, or was the last Chicago hometown date with Emily Maynard and Crazy Eyed Chris?

Owwww my leg. 

Just a quick question:
.....has it occurred to Whitney that there aren't fertility nurses in Arlington? (And there won't be for at LEAST fifty more years?) I really like Whitney and I really like Whitney and Chris, but once again: there's no future for her in Iowa. I'm pretty sure the only one who could actually have a relatively un-miserable future in Arlington would be the Beckster...

Blah blah blah we see Chris putter around the fertility clinic... I'm surprised we didn't see any signs of Jade's Playboy issue in the "Man Room." (YOU KNOW I'M NOT EVEN BEING CATTY, THIS IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY)

Three cheers for Whitney's uncle as he raised his glass: "We're pretty glad to have Chris here, but we'll see how it goes..."

Raise 'em up. 

Whitney's uncle also has some insightful words about her, "She almost exudes vulnerability, but she is so strong..." This uncle is scoring more and more points with me by the minute... Chris was floored by this observation from the uncle, saying he could never really define that quality about her but that it's very accurate. NEWSFLASH: he could never define that quality about her because he has a vocabulary of sixteen words. 

I can get onboard with Whitney's relationship with her sister, I can get onboard with the tears that well up as she tells her sister that it is REAL, and I can get onboard with this bottle of whatever that she got at a flea market years ago, that she wanted to share it with the man that she married...

BUT I CAN'T GET ONBOARD WITH CHRIS AND WHITNEY. CHRISNEY. (Whis?) I want more for her. I want more for her than Chris, and I want more for her than Arlington...

Oh look: I feel the same about...

Phoenix: Kaitlyn

Special thanks to my friend Kristen, who informed me that she had a legal friend who happened to mention that this hometown date was in Phoenix instead of Canada because if you have an unusually high number of DUIs, it can be pretty tricky to get into Canada... And after the VERY little research I did, it looks like Prince Farming is guilty of no less than TEN of these alcohol-related offenses...

I only wrote four things about this date. Here's the unedited Director's cut:

- Chris's rapping that's happening right now... THIS IS UNREAL. UN. REAL.

- Kaitlyn's Mom looks like she could be Michelle Money's mom...

- "So you have feelings for him... How far into your heart do those feelings go?" GREAT QUESTION, MAMA MONEY KAITLYN.

- Kaitlyn has been KILLING the vulnerability game, this season.

Nebraska: Jade

Let's clap it up for Jade's Dad who remarked that, "I want her to live free but loved."

....Everything after that line was downhill. As an informed audience, we understand why Jade's family is speaking about her in the weirdly cryptic way that they are, but if we hadn't seen Jade's conversation with Carly, we'd be left with two major questions: 1) does she have bipolar disorder? or 2) Does she have a raging addiction?

Because her family set her up to be a nut job. Which begs the question: was Playboy the only elephant in the room? Or are there other sides to Jade that we don't know yet?

Chris perfectly summed up the whole family description of Jade: "Your brother's called you a Wild Mustang..."

After the bomb drop:

Chris: I know why you are the way you are.
Carolyn: But do you, Chris? Cause up until five minutes ago, you didn't know she modeled for Playboy...

Chris: If she's my soulmate, I'll stand behind her, no matter what's on the internet...
Grace: Because... there's no internet in Iowa.

Chris:It wasn't a deal-breaker, but...
Carolyn: "It wasn't a deal breaker, it was just... absolutely a deal breaker..."

Conclusion: The Living Room Peanut Gallery has decided that Jade is an exquisite crier. Her tears look GREAT. Way to go, Jade.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

CarlyMoon at Night: Bachelor's Delight

But actually... Where do I even begin discussing the past five hours of my life that were dedicated to BachelorNation? All of the "most dramatic" (thank you, Hare) moments we've seen in the history of this show basically all aired in our living rooms in a single twenty four hour period. My commentary is actually pretty limited due to the fact that a) I was GLUED to the screen. Couldn't take my eyes off this train wreck, and b) real talk: Carly is my spirit animal and I didn't even really have to bother taking notes during the first three hours because SHE SAID ALL OF IT FOR ME. I just want to BE Carly, everyday. 

er uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Ahem, in the meantime: Allow me to briefly walk though the RIDICULOUS amount of breakdowns we witnessed, as well as offer some brief comparisons:

1) Andi and Josh Break-up: I mean... Does anyone even know WHY they broke up? I learned NOTHING from that interview. Except that Andi still ferociously rubs her eyes when she cries and it stresses me out because THAT SKIN IS SO DELICATE AND SUSCEPTIBLE TO WRINKLES, DORFMAN!


The only reason this interview was remotely likable was because it's VERY pleasant to see Hare actually care about she to whom he is speaking. (For examples of the contrary, see Prince Farming, Kelsey, etc) We have high standards for the post-break-up interview, if anyone remembers the breakup interview where Jake accused Vienna of undermining him by interrupting him and measuring the cabinets...
I watch this at LEAST once a month... 

2) Britt's breakdown... OHMIGAH OHMIGAH OHMIGAHHHHH. I don't know who was more pleased about the whole thing: myself, or Carly. This was by far and away the most rapid and steep decline that we have EVER seen in a contestant. Britt will be spoken about for YEARS.

What was so great about the whole thing is that she went from 10 to 0 in a DAY. There was no slow demise with her, like say, Ashley Herbert on Brad Womack's season. Or even Tierra - she went down pretty slowly. Or even Mickey - remember him? That dude that eliminated himself and took off from Hong Kong, as soon as he found out that Bentley had returned and Ashley had been pining for him?

Buh-bye, China! Hello Dignity! 
But no. Britt was absolutely first in Chris's book, up until Carly pulled the rug out from under her. (Or did she pull it out from under Prince Farming, because she revealed a completely different woman than the one he thought he knew?) 

3) Hometown dates: I mean... I'm pretty sure Becca's family threw her further under the bus than Dez's family could have ever DREAMED of throwing her, the time she brought Sean Lowe home to meet them.

4) Jade. JAAAAADE and her sordid past. Shall we compare this to the reveal of Rated X? Or the reveal of that random dude on Dez's season whose girlfriend showed up? The perfect "Wild Mustang" buildup from her family was BEYOND anything that is up with which the producers could have conjured.

Each of the above events will be discussed in detail below, but I had to lead off with the acknowledgement that truly: that two night event was unlike ANYTHING we'd ever seen.

Sunday Night:
Farming (and Kelsey) tell all:

Fact: they told us literally NOTHING. The only remotely remarkable thing we learned was from Chris Harrison, when he told us that bless-her-heart Ashley S thought that the crew was running a gambling ring from the accounting office.  The only thing I can surmise is that the production team wanted to give Kelsey a chance to make herself NOT sound like she calculated the end of her husband (who was named Sanderson Poe, for those who just joined us), and they didn't even pull THAT off, because the only noteworthy word that Kelsey used was "crucifixion" in regards to the Women Tell All.

Wanna know how I feel about the Women Tell All?

Rose Ceremony:

Nashville Megan very, VERY gracefully eliminated herself. You go Glen Coco.

I'm fairly certain that Hare just made up the notion that another woman was going to be eliminated on top of the departure of Kelsey, Ashley I and now Megan. So what looks like a GRAND gesture of generosity, [insert Carly's "WE'RE GOIN' TO IOWA!" here]

Trip to Iowa:

Why they went to Iowa, perhaps we will never know. Was it to give the women (*cough cough* Britt) a chance to back out, if they found Iowa to be too much of a small town? One thing's for sure: Arlington is LITERALLY so small that they couldn't even put the girls up in a hotel there. I guess it was stay at the pastor's house, or head to Des Moines. (Shoutout to my girl Amy, who observed that the pastor was wearing a "Call of Duty" t-shirt.)

We see footage of Farming puttering around a farm, and this is how I feel about how natural he looks on a farm talking to a cow that is DEFINITELY not named "Bessie."
Has Chris ever SEEN a cow before? 
Can we go ahead and establish that Farming isn't a Jason Aldean-grade "takes the tractor another round" farmer? CLEARLY this guy works in an office, apparently selling corn all day, but there's NO WAY that man works on a farm all day everyday. (Where this office is, we will never know)

Britt was NOT pleased that Jade got the first one on one date card. She was wearing what appeared to be an unusually low amount of eye make-up as she pretended to be happy for Jade. LITTLE DID WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF UNRAVELING WAS IN STORE.

Quick reminder: again, I took VERY few notes during this episode because truly: Carly said nearly all of it. I don't know HOW they ended up using that clip of Carly's face superimposed on the moon - clearly Jacob got a little punchy around 3 am one morning and did it as a joke, before one of the story editors saw it and passed it along and suddenly it was on national TV...

As Farming and Jade meander around Arlington, Farming points out that it's deserted because "technology has taken over the role of a lot of farmers and..." he trails off, unsure.
"People have to move where there jobs," Jade finishes for him.

Grace: People have to move where there's PEOPLE. In unrelated news, is there a Blockbuster in Arlington? I need to know.

Perhaps some of you will remember the piece I did on Arlington last season when I spoke about real estate in Arlington as well as the teachers at Starmont high school, aka the Starmont Stars. For any of you that are picturing the small town charm of somewhere like Dillon Texas (clear eyes, strong heart, CAN'T LOSE!) perhaps you should know that the Starmont Star cheerleaders... DONT HAVE CHEERLEADING UNIFORMS.

That is, unless the two lines of girls that we saw on the sidelines with pom poms, wearing jeans and Ugg boots were NOT the cheerleaders.

And THEN we saw that some of the football players doubled as the marching band. To which I have only ONE question...

If they're playing the trombone, won't they miss Coach's rousing halftime speech??
Clear eyes, strong heart... LONG WAY FROM DILLON.

The Living Room Peanut Gallery was comprised of some of my oldest favorites: Nashville Friends Meaghan and Laura Grace, as well as the usual suspects: Carolyn and Johnny, and we very quickly decided that EVERY WOMAN IN ARLINGTON HAS THE SAME SHORT HAIRCUT.
You know what you did, Kate Gosselin 

Ok but REALLY... I am SO creeped out by this old high school jaunt right now... Don't get me wrong: we all want to walk through the halls, feeling like we own the place - I'm SURE Chris felt like nothing less, when he walked through with Jade. But based on the fact that this is the ONLY thing that they could possibly do in Arlington... It's creepy and weird. I refuse to dignify Chris's "less of English and more like French" line with ANY commentary.

When Jade returned to the... suite at the Marriott in Des Moines, she told the other girls what she and Farming did. The green eyed monster was nearly crawling out of Britt's skin about it. In the first of (SEVERAL) spectacular meltdowns, Britt started out saying she was happy for Britt, but then immediately BURST into tears. She tried to back pedal by saying, "I'm sorry... its this weird thing I have..."

Meaghan: Oh HONESTLY. She's just jealous because she wants crowds chanting at them to be HER thing with Chris.

Farming took Whitney on a one-on-one date in Des Moines and there is very little worth mentioning. They took pictures. They had pictures taken. They kissed. She met his friends. By the way: the LRPG was wondering how far away Arlington is from Des Moines - you know, like, is it at least close enough that they could go there for a date night?

.....It is 150 miles away.

The girls drove the one hundred and fifty miles to see it. I don't even know what to say about Britt's Pout Session in the morning, but somehow they talked her into going and THANK GOD THEY DID.

Sweet Becca summed up Arlington in a single line, "I think if I lived here I'd like to pop out babies ASAP." This supports the notion that children are an activity, as opposed to a responsibility,  but Becca is just so sweet and simple that we can't even really hold it against her...

Let’s all clap it up for Carly, who loved the Jesus portrait inside the church… And then met the pastor of the church, two doors down. Oh, AND the treasurer.

When Kaitlyn, Britt and Carly's names were read on the group date card, the words “ouch” and “shocker” were uttered by the women, clearly indicating that this IS a competition. Also indicating that they think that Farming has some kind of say over who decides on the date participants. Hasn't that always been a shot called by production?

Major points to Carly for then calling Britt out on her false modesty, when it came to her whining about how bad she was at ice skating. (Just out of curiosity... is there anyone who isn't/wasn't a competition skater that would claim to be GOOD at ice skating? Just curious.) 

Allow me to stand on my soapbox for a brief Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus moment. Time and time again, we see a running theme on this show: Bachelor is smitten with a lady who has been deemed a snake charmer by all the other ladies. Chances of Bachelor catching onto said Snake Charm seem small, so all other ladies make it their goal to inform Bachelor of the Snake Charmer. Because the stakes are high, no lady can ever trust that Bachelor will eventually see Snake Charmer for what she is: a Charmer of Snakes. Ladies must tell Bachelor of Snake Charm IMMEDIATELY. 

I'd like to think this doesn't happen in real life, but it kind of does.

But we're not talking about real life, here, are we??!

Carly perfectly sums up Britt's behavior: “IT’S JUST LIES. HE’S GETTING LIES FED TO HIM, LIKE CANDY."

My question: Why hasn’t Britt decided that she doesn’t want to be with Chris, when she clearly doesn't want to live in Arlington? Her obvious disdain for his hometown, followed by the pure lies that she fed to him like candy now put Britt in what I like to call Category 3. You know, the one where they're not there to promote themselves, they're not there for a connection, they're just THERE TO WIN. Britt moved into Category 3, somewhere between the tears and the lies in this episode. 

Also noteworthy: when Carly gave Farming her Snake Charmer Revelation, she uttered the words, “I know how much you like her…” which, let's face it, have never been uttered on this show. There is a camaraderie that has been born between these women which is rather unusual (for the contrary, see Nikki and Clare, on Juan Pablo's season) and that also makes the prospect of Farming facing them at the Women Tell All horrifying for him and exhilarating for me.

Another quick question: why does Britt’s family eat off of each other’s plates? I am the most invasive person I know, and I can't remember the last time I actually ate something off of someone's plate. I often demand that my mother give me the other half of her loaded baked potato when we go out, but I don't shovel it into my mouth straight from her plate? Britt mentioned this to Chris when she was giving her spiel about how much she would love for him to come visit her hometown. She was probably patting herself on the back for sounding slightly ashamed as she "admitted" that she could show him her whole life in less than a block... 

I'll bet. 

Farming handled his "confrontation" with Britt VERY well. Might have been his BEST move this whole season. He never gave any indication that someone had said something to him, and gave her a distinct chance to set the record straight.

...she didn't. 

Later Farming was off with Kaitlyn and he gave her the rose and KAITLYN IS CRYING AGAIN AND I LIKE HER WAY TOO MUCH FOR HER TO EVER BE WITH CHRIS. Farming is “making Kaitlyn be soft.” KAITLYN IS MAKING ME BE SOFT.

Another quick Bachelor soapbox speech: You know those girls that leave the show and say "maybe I should have been more vulnerable?" Kaitlyn is that girl, EXCEPT SHE WAS VULNERABLE AND SHE IS KILLING IT, SUBSEQUENTLY. The LRPG voted that she was a) way too good for Chris and b) way too grounded and down to earth to be the next Bachelorette.

Britt and Carly were left sitting on the couch while Kaitlyn got the rose, and Britt’s Transylvanian accent as she said “Where’s Kaitlyn?” is the most that I’ve liked her since the premiere.

When Farming and Kaitlyn returned with the rose having been bestowed, Britt's unravel began to really pick up speed.

Carolyn: (looking at Britt) Oh yes. Let it begin.
Grace: Breakdown. Breakdown to Mama.

In front of everyone, Britt began telling Chris why she deserved the rose. This is amazing. This is even better than the time that Ryan tried to talk Emily Maynard back into giving him the rose, after she'd already told him he was going home.

I would like to take a quick moment to invite EVERYONE to a 5k that will be hosted at our house very soon, in an effort to raise awareness of... the self. Yes, that's correct: a Run for Self-Awareness. Britt will obviously be there because she is in DIRE need of some.

Carly (again) perfectly described it when she said "Britt thinks she's the Bachelorette. She has to be number one. She gets really upset when she isn't." Followed by her description of Britt's breakdown: “It was so much better of an explosion than I could have possibly expected.” WHERE IN THE WORLD this girl got the idea that she could a) demand an explanation from Farming and b) do it in front of the other girls is beyond me. Clearly her mom was too busy spooning meatballs off of Britt's plate onto her own to bother with, "Now sweetheart, just because you don't get your way doesn't mean you get to throw a tantrum..."

Upon hearing the full story, Whitney asked, "What switch went off?"

Carly: “Uh, rejection. I’d just told him she was two different people and then he SAW it ten minutes later.”

As for Britt's departure... Where to even begin? ONCE MORE, Carly summed it all up for us: "Britt doesn’t want to be rejected, so she’s going to leave before he can send her home."

Except we all knew that Britt was really setting out to get Chris to beg her to stay and to say that "it backfired" would be a gross understatement. There was still a chance for her to walk out of there holding her head high, but she chose to say to Chris: "In light of what I said to you... do you have anything to say to me?"

What followed (before we got to the part where she was bawling on the sidewalk) LRPG Carolyn summarized with: "He literally cannot speak words. He has no words to say to her because he has no thoughts in his brain."

Once again: that downward spiral was unlike ANYTHING we have ever seen. There was no room to even faintly pump the brakes because it started flying out of control so quickly, never to be restored.

Goodbye, Britt. Please don't return as the Bachelorette. (And you know the sale of Bratz dolls would be through the roof if she does grace us with her Bachelorette presence...)

Ugh. Goodbye, Carly. If you're not the next Bachelorette, I WILL QUIT.

Surely she didn't get poached by the producers to come on this show when they went home for Zak's hometown date with Dez, only to NOT be the Bachelorette after all her one-liners....

Commentary on hometown dates is coming soon, stay tuned...

- gd

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The Best Defense is a Good Defense

...isn't that the name of an episode of Serial? Cause a) it's true and b) it's true for this episode.
But more on that later. 
Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

So we start pretty much right in the middle of things... and by "right in the middle of things," I mean that Jade is stuck in the bathroom because Kelsey is having a panic attack in the doorway. We ended on this "dramatic" note last week, and are picking up in media res, which means that we listen to the SAME wailing audio footage of Kelsey OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.

I expected more, Jacob... 

Our favorite Assistant Editor Jacob (formerly known as the Bachelorette Intern) let us down this week. DID YOU THINK WE WOULDN'T NOTICE THAT YOU PUT THE SAME WHINY AUDIO ON LOOP, J-CAKE?! Whatever. The poor kid is too busy trying to keep up with the whiskey that Hare is downing, AND trying to manage this season's interns. (And yes, we all know they drew straws to determine that Keisha would get to be seen on national television as she went in to the suite to remove Ashely THEN Kelsey's bag, after the two-on-one.)

SPEAKING OF TWO ON ONE. Let's clap it up for this day three years ago. No one got left on an iceberg with a fresh tattoo, but Deli Lane saw a pretty ferocious two-on-one date... 
Displaying Screenshot_2015-02-10-07-29-35.png

Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny had never witnessed a two-on-one date before. Carolyn and I spared him the drama that was the HotTug date with Lawyer Mike and Daddy Ben, on Dez's season... 

Back to Kelsey's "panic attack" : 

Becca: ‘I think the girls are trying to figure out what part of her is real…”
Carolyn: Yeah none of them look at all concerned.

Kelsey is still on the floor wailing, and now the medic is asking her a question... From what I can tell, the medic says "what did you think about the brownies?"  THIS IS VERY CONCERNING. Especially when Kelsey's response is "I don't think they were real..." 


Blah blah Kelsey is miraculously revived once Chris shows up. I don't want to even dignify her behavior with much commentary. It is very apparent that she pissed off one of the interns enough to elicit the wrath of Jacob (and all the other editors) and I am by no means defending her crazy ways. We all know that in a basement somewhere, Sarah Koenig is probably peddling "Serial, Season 2: Who Killed Sanderson?" to her producers, (they'd map out his walk to work; you KNOW they would) but hot DAWG this girl got a terrible edit. 

She tells the Brownie Medic that she deserves a rose for her panic attack - flashes of this, anyone??
I have a sparkle. 
And finally she re-joins the group, now sufficiently wrapped in an exceedingly thick blanket.

Johnny: That’s right. Give her the fur. Give her the bear. Give her the bearskin rug.
Grace: She is insane. She is INSANE.
Johnny: She is amazing.
Carolyn: I hope she's the next Bachelorette...
Kelsey: I am THE woman he is going to fall in love with and marry...


Real talk: the editing of this rose ceremony is unprecedented: NEVER BEFORE have we seen girl after girl get called, all while seeing continuous footage of another girl crying… we thank Jacob for his hard work. We do NOT thank Ashley for her tears.

Not to mention: LRPG has absolutely no idea who this Samantha chick is. 

Johnny: Wasn't "Samantha Who" a show on ABC? I think we're watching season two unfold right before our very eyes...
Grace: have we seen a SINGLE conversation between them?
Carolyn: she's about to BE single, yuk yuk yuk.
Johnny: Samantha Mumba, I love your work!

....Samantha (Mumba) got the ax.

Grace: Thank you for your work, Samantha Mumba! Your Disney Channel music videos were an inspiration to fifth grade choreographers everywhere.

No one was super sorry to see Baby Mak go. Maybe she'll see a UFO on her flight home. Go to college, Baby Mak...

 (Sidenote: did anyone else notice how it was apparently zero degrees outside? Thank goodness Kelsey had Britt to cling to for warmth. Too bad Britt has NEVER showered... )

Also a quick update for our friends at home: Kaitlyn wants to "punch Kelsey in the teeth holder." Not just the teeth, or perhaps the baby maker, but... the teeth holder. Is that a white collar word for grille? She wants to punch her in the gums.

Onto South Dakota...

Lezzbe honest: South Dakota had very little going for it, in the first place. And why didn't we see any shots of Crazy Horse? (the statue, not the strip club) So obviously they had to get some gratuitous shouts of Prince Farming in a... Bath Barrel (Barrel Bath?) Ugh GET ON WITH IT. Ohhhh and he says he's "looking forward to seeing their wild west side..."


 One on One date: Becca Let’s… shoot things.
(Or something)

The LRPG loves Becca. We’ve decided she’s the Catherine Guidici of this season. She has now mentioned her virginity TWICE on this season. Ashley has mentioned her virginity 384675 times for every ONE time that Becca has spoken of it.

Meanwhile, back on the farm, Carly is rallying the other ladies to confront Kelsey... And let's clap it up for Kelsey's opinion of herself: "I get it. I’m blessed with eloquence and a big vocabulary. I use big words because I’m smart.”

Here's Part I of "The Best Defense is a Good Defense."
As much as Kelsey makes me want to claw my ears out, she responded VERY well to the confrontation. And by "well," I don't mean "she was vulnerable and took responsibility," I mean she literally handled herself well (enough). Examples of those who do NOT handle themselves well include, but are not limited to:

Love is a strong word... 

Maybe you'll be the next Bachelor.
Maybe I'll be the next Bachelor.
We don't know what the future holds...

And finally... For the win:

Kelsey didn't get super defensive - sure, she dropped the dead husband line, but haven't we all? Her eyes welled up, but she didn't start sobbing. Basically what I'm getting at is that the juiciest part of the whole charade was Carly's facial expressions, because Kelsey's reaction was contained enough that it didn't make for super dramatic television. So maybe what I'm getting at is "the best defense is to NOT FREAK OUT."

Back to Beccaville:
Grace: I like them together.
Johnny: I do too. They're both pretty and dumb. Although I do want to hear the jokes they’re laughing about…
Grace: I wouldn’t mind having them over for dinner. It’s not like their laughter is over inside jokes that no one would get. You’d be able to share whatever mediocre jokes they had at the dinner table… Their dinner company would get three stars on Yelp.

She got a rose. Nothing to write home about. Except to say that it would seem that Chris is the most likable version of himself when he's with her...

Group Date: Let's Sing...
(Or something)

Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, Megan

As Kaitlyn reads the date card, I announce to the LRPG: "Quick reminder for everyone: I am as skinny in my mind as Kaitlin is in real life."

So it's a singing date. The girls have to write songs for Chris and then perform them. Big and Rich are there.

Can we take a moment to observe how far we have come in Bachelornation? Does ANYONE remember how Jesse Csincsak sang that TERRIBLE song to DeAnna: "Please don't send me awaaaay, cause I'll cry on the plaaaane, DeAnna..."

...No? No one else watched that season??

My favorite moment of the date, and probably of this entire season so far, was when Big Kenny was making Jade run down the street (Johnny observed that she passed ONE lone person on her run) and he was yelling "FEEL THE FREEDOM. THIS IS DEADWOOD."
I suppose I shall break down my thoughts on each woman's song into brief notations:

- Britt literally wrote a haiku. Nothing more.
- We saw very little of Nashville Megan’s song. Although it sounded like a standard country song, so I'm betting she jotted down a few lines and then did shots with the interns. She's from Nashville, y'all. She had this in the bag.
- Also saw very little of Whitney’s song. Who I must say is growing on me, with each episode of her classiness.
- Very, very little idea of what the words were in Kaitlyn’s rap, but she killed it, as she seems to do with pretty much everything.
- LRPG would buy Carly’s album. If she isn't the next Bachelorette, I will QUIT (I won't.) Kaitlyn said that she wanted to be in love FOR Chris and Carly.
- LRPG has no clue what Jade said in her song. But we’re so proud of her.

Let us acknowledge that this is the SECOND time Carly has been robbed of a rose. Remember when she won the pig wrangling and she didn't get the rose? Or that time she CRUSHED IT on the singing date and... DIDN'T GET A ROSE?!

Britt got the rose, and Farming took her to the Big and Rich concert - cool. HOWEVER instead of the usual routine: girl gets rose, girl gets alone time with Bachelor and rejects go home to lick their wounds, Farming and Britt went to the concert WHILE THE OTHER GIRLS JUST SAT THERE.

Low rent, Farming.

Carolyn: Sure, Britt and Chris have chemistry. But they say NOTHING to one another. All she does is gasp. We don't even know anything about her.
Britt: It’s so special that Chris took me here because a lot of girls would be excited about Big and Rich, but –
Grace: I’ve never heard of Big and Rich, so I love this moment solely for Chris. And I get to be onstage. And the audience can't smell me from here.
Carolyn: I can’t see her at ALL without thinking… she smells. Like, she took the rose just now, and she smells. She’s dancing onstage and she smells. She. SMELLS!

It occurred to me that the group date rose can be a bit of a political move. It did good for NO ONE when that rose was given to Britt. It only made the girls resentful towards Britt and resentful towards Farming. Take Jade, for instance: she was probably already feeling that Chris wasn't such a stellar guy when he snuggled up with Britt RIGHT in front of her, and seeing him give the rose to her would only further solidify her instincts that he's a bit of a cad. Also, it's not like Britt NEEDED the rose. Sometimes the group date rose is given out as a consolation prize, to reassure the really insecure women that the Bachelor still wants them around, but this wasn't the case with Britt, nor has it ever been.

The Best Defense is a Good Defense, Part II:

Chris shouldn't have given Britt the rose and taken her to the show without telling the other girls. However, he did have a line of defense ready to go: "I didn't want the presence of the rose to make everybody feel uncomfortable."
This is a TERRIBLE excuse. However it IS an excuse, nonetheless. So Charming said his piece and was able to skate out of there pretty scot-free, leaving Britt in the lion's den. I'm pretty sure we saw every single girl shed tears after this moment, and I'm definitely sure that this is the first time we've seen tears from Kaitlyn. NOT YOUR BEST MOVE, FARMING.

To whom it may concern: don't worry, I am WELL aware that the past three paragraphs read like the closing of a persuasive essay for English 203. Do I wish I wrote persuasive remarks about things that were more worthwhile? Sure. But am I ok with it because it means that I'm entertaining you at work right now?
Nailed it. 

Two on One Date: Ashely and Kelsey

First things first: this was the Living Room Peanut Gallery, as we awaited the announcement of who was going to get the two-on-one date:
Please be Kelsey and Ashley, please be Kelsey and Ashley, please be Kelsey and Ashley... 

Honestly I was too ensconced in this train wreck of a date to take too many notes.

Quick shout-out for my all-time favorite two on one ever:
Guard and protect, y'all. 

ALSO a shout-out to my Tennessee Volunteer, Petyon, the reject of the two-on-one from Andy Baldwin's season (remember how Tessa and Andy flew off in a helicopter leaving Peyton alone on an aircraft carrier?) Even two on one dates have happy endings: Peyton went on to later marry my true love Cape Cod Chris. Take that! (Coming from a girl who would totally get the boot on a two-on-one, I thought you all should know)

Four things to say about this date;

1) WHY HAVEN’T GIRLS ON THIS SHOW (girls in life, in general) FIGURED OUT THAT TALKING BAD ABOUT OTHER GIRLS GETS YOU NO WHERE WITH A DUDE?!?! With girls, sure. SURE. But guys… Guys seriously panic whenever they hear a girl talking smack about another girl. Sean sent Jackie Parr home. Oof, he also sent Kacie B home that one time she thought she was playing her trump card by telling him she was "between a rock and a hard spot" about another girl on the show... Ben Flajnik sent home the smack talkers. Brad Womack sent home the smack talkers.When will womankind learn?!?!

2) Kelsey to Farming: “I hope you can trust that I’m the kind of woman that can be a wife because... I’ve been one.

Was anyone else thinking THIS when she said that?
Am I alone, here?

3) Ashley talked smack about Kelsey. Chris told Kelsey that Ashely talked smack. THIS IS THE REAL HO-DOWN THROWDOWN, KIMMEL.And OHHHHH SNAP ASHLEY  DROPPED THE MASTER’S DEGREE CARD. For the record,  I can TOTALLY get behind this. I am ALL about this. She isn't combating with dress size or nationality, GIRL IS THROWING EDUCATION ON THE TABLE. (But yes, the mall still IS open on Sundays in Wayne, New Jersey) For anyone who was wondering, we're dealing with Syracuse vs UT Austin, here. Ashley got her Masters in Broadcast Journalism from the former, and it's unclear what Kelsey got her degree in, from UT Austin, although my internet research was VERY brief. The girls say a few more semi-catty remarks and Ashley stalks off to find Farming, throws a fit, he tells her she's going home, she stomps off, only to turn around and apologize for throwing a fit. I'll at least give her points for that one. 

4) And finally, Ashley threw down the trump card before Farming said his goodbyes:

And you think Britt wants the lifestyle you have to offer?

Can't wait for next week.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Let's Open Up Some Champagne In... SANTA FE.

First things first: remember how the Living Room Peanut Gallery (myself included) were HUGE fans of Kelsey, this time last week?

I take it back. I take it all back. Kelsey is literally insane. As in lock-that-girl-up-and-let-her-counsel-NO-students. Y'all, she is a guidance counselor! She is responsible for the teens of America! Ok maybe about seven of them, but STILL. Get that girl AWAY from America's future!

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Party's in Santa Fe this week, you guys. Nashville Megan was REAL excited about it. I'm fairly certain she thinks the gang is going to Mexico, but that's neither here nor there. North nor South. Old Nor New. 

One on One Date: Carly
Let's Come Together

First of all, I have a better idea:

You KNOW the interns were slapping high fives and snickering when they wrote that date card. God only knows how they found the Sex Guru, but we ALL know that was not her house. Or her Adobe. Or Clay hut. Or WHATEVER. 

Probably on the brink of being terminated, one of the interns bravely blurted out that she knew a Sex Guru in Santa Fe that could handle a one-on-one date. 

And boy did she deliver:
Speaking of Adam Sandler... 

As we listen to the unsettling Native American WAILS that we hear before Carly and Prince Farming… come… together…we see that we are dealing with a "Love and Intimacy Counselor." (Their words, not mine.)

Surprising no one, Farming's summary of the Sex Adobe is simple: "This doesn't happen in Iowa."
          I will give Farming some points for his description of Carly: "Funny, witty, makes me smile... I feel like we have a friendship..."  Again, quite simple, but if someone said those things about me, I'd be on Dez Hartsock's Cloud Nine. No, it doesn't take a hot air balloon ride or a mountain top in Madeira, just the word "witty" is all... 

The title card has been placed under this woman's (Mrs. Lippy) impossible-to-pronounce name, yet we stilll have no idea where this date could possibly be heading... For our patience in the discovery of what might actually happen on this date, we are awarded with a costume change. Carly and Farming are now wearing... curtains. 

They have been running around in DRAPES?!

When Adobe Rafiki Guru whipped out the blindfold: 
Carolyn: Oh gosh… They really are going to come together. 
Johnny: The guru is so stoned. She is SO high.

Carly yells at the camera:THIS IS A FIRST DATE!
Johnny: This is performance art. Good thing she has a great body.

Rafiki: As she breathes out, you breathe in.
Grace: You will both feel lightheaded. And eventually, perhaps very shortly, pass out.
Johnny: (inhaling from an Adobe blunt) Have you two seen the movie Ghost
Carolyn: Do you believe in aliens?

Bottom line: I want to hate this date a lot more. Or rather, I want to hate them on this date a lot more- I hate the Adobe Sex Guru. But I also can't even take her seriously enough to really spend time ranting. Whoever came up with this ish is out of their mind.  But I like Carly way too much to completely dismiss the entire thing. And I will give Carly points for choosing not to giggle off the whole thing. And then she drew some boundaries and declared that she was uncomfortable with going any further in the clothing removal. OH YOU SET THOSE BOUNDARIES, CARLY.
When they finally get out of the Adobe Blunt Shack and have a normal conversation, things progress very naturally for them. They were both very affirming and I was loving everything about what they  were saying to each other. Mostly Carly. Actually all Carly. But I would REALLY like it if one of them would break out into “You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman…” either one of them, Farming or Carly, doesn’t matter. 

Small side note: towards the end of the night, Farming said that Carly is beautiful inside and out. This line usually doesn’t surface until we're down to the final two…JUST an observation... 

Group Date: 
Pun Pun Yuk Yuk White Water Rafting.
Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whiney, BabyMac. Becca, Samantha, Ashley, and Kelsey

Another small sidenote: Carolyn LOVED the white water rafting safety instructor… He assured all the girls that an accidental death was imminent, and then scampered off into a tumbleweed bush...
On the riverbank, former-intern-now-head-intern-honcho Jacob gave the interns a stern "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID" speech and they began an attempt to make up for the Adobe Blunt Shack Debacle by scrambling down the bank of the river, clearing boulders out of the way for the camera operators to follow the girls down the river...

As the boats finally make it to the shore, we see Farming is rubbing Jade's feet while all the other girls sit in the background.
Grace: What is this- …
Johnny: Riverside champagne toast happening in the background?
Grace: No, no, the selective hypothermia?? I don't even understand... 

Kelsey's Crazy starts to come out (or is it the Editor's Crazy?) as she whines to the camera that she doesn't need Chris to rub her feet because she is FINE
Riverside Kelsey, y'all

And then we get an entrance from Jordan... You remember Jordan, don't you? The one who talked about taking a buzz saw to Jillian's nether regions?  The one who chose to do a handstand to demonstrate twerking? Yes, the one who is clearly fresh out of rehab and trying to make it to 30 meetings in 30 days. Im'ma vote that it was everyone's favorite (former) intern-now-assistant-editor Jacob, who added “Eliminated in Week 2” into Jordan's title card. Jordan drove 13 hours to Santa Fe, and it is VERY much giving me flashbacks to Kacie B (but didn’t Kacie B schlep all the way to like, Finland, to confront Ben?) Jordan tells Farming, “Second chances are important to me… as is, you know, love and happiness…”

But actually... She will. 

I will give it to Jordan right now: she is making a COMEBACK. She looks amazing. Seriously had no idea how beautiful she was. LRPG was blown away. 
           Most of the girls chose to spend their one on one time trying to talk Chris out of letting Jordan stay, but Kaitlyn played her cards REALLY well, and told Chris that she didn't want to talk about Jordan. But can we talk about how the girls of this season have more defense of Jordan than ANYONE who's ever come back?  (see: Kacie B, Shawntel, Kacie B again…) 

Ashley I. chose to be the Pantsapreneur JJ of the group and make sure everyone knew exactly why they should be hating on Jordan's return. I was personally hoping for more of a knock-down-drag-out fight between Ashley and Whitney, but Whitney did a great job of keeping it classy. Poor Baby Mac had to listen as Ashley talked her ear off about... What did she even say, really? There was (literally) so much whining and crying that it all sounded the same. Ashley finished off her rant with,“Whitney hates me and I don’t even know why.” 

And Whitney finished off her interview with: “No, it's not that I think Ashley is pretending to be someone she’s not… and that’s scary.”

I think we're done, here. 

One on One Date: Britt

Ohhhh we start off the date with Farming thinking that Britt looks "as amazing first thing in the morning as she does when she's all dolled up at the rose ceremony..." He clearly has NO idea what it's like to see make-up on a SLEEPING LADY. Carly boldly informed us that Britt puts make-up on before she goes to bed.

FIRST OF ALL... I'm not ready to address the shower thing.
2) Does she wear make-up to bed every night of her life, or is this just a thing for the show because she doesn't want to horrify us all, circa Jillian with no make-up?

I can't. 

4) Those socks... Those socks she put on her feet were SO dirty.

And then Johnny said it best: "Britt looks like a Bratz doll."

I won't even put a photo here for comparison, because you ALL know it's true.

Lezzbe honest: Britt didn't get a great edit last night. (And may I just say: STOP. GASPING, BRITT. Seriously every fifteen seconds she apparently experienced the biggest shock of her life.) And while we have seen some fear of heights on this show (see: Baby Kelsey and Juan Pablo. See: VIENNA AND JAKE) I don't think we've ever seen tears at the arrival of a date card, based on a fear of heights. And we've certainly never seen such a protest at the date card but then NO PROTEST AT ALL once they were a thousand feet up in the air?

Did we just get played by Britt? Were the tears just a ruse so that she could set up a bigger payoff when Chris calmly talked her into jumping off the building (cliff, mountain, etc). And then did she just decide against the tears when she realized there was no way to play the hesitation game because what she thought was going to involve a leap of faith and a free fall merely included the freewill to jump into a balloon basket? (but PROPS to the camera guys. Those were NOT fun shots to set up, but they were executed beautifully.)

I really don’t know what to think of Britt and Chris. I like her, but I don’t know what to think of them together. It didn't help that she got such a poor edit and we were hearing about how manipulative she is, while watching these incredible aerial shots (and hearing her gasp EVERY. TWELVE. SECONDS.)... And honestly, Prince Farming is enough of a piece of toast that I would believe that they actually took a nap that afternoon...

...but I also wouldn't be surprised if they... what was Kelsey's word for it? "Explored the depths of physical affection."


I truly don't even know where to begin, when it comes to the last thirty minutes of the show last night. I was so captivated by the seething manipulation that was unfolding right in front of my eyes that I really only took one note:

- Sooooo Kelsey’s identity is in her widow-dom…

I think I have too much rage about emotional manipulation to even put together a coherent paragraph (or ten) so I'll stick with bullet points.

- I am so disturbed by the fact that we know Sanderson's name. That America now (most assuredly) knows the name of Kelsey's deceased husband.
- Why does she keep talking like she's at an audition for Downton Abbey? Why?!
- Remember how we got the whole front desk scene where Nick pretended to be Andi's husband, in order to find out her room number? Where was that scene tonight, huh, producers?!?
- Kelsey could have chosen a lot of different ways to dress, for this secret meeting with Farming...
...she chose to dress like a sixth grader.
Not a first grader, not a twelfth grader, but a sixth grader.

After she spieled to Farming:

Grace: those are some PIT STAINS that he's got going on.
Johnny: I’d be sweaty, too, after that story.
Kelsey: “I had to tell him my story. We had to have our first kiss.”

          Fact: As much as Carolyn loved the river rafting guide, Johnny hated Kelsey kissing Chris after telling him about her husband. I'm pretty sure we were ALL in the fetal position for that moment.
          Kelsey described her first kiss with Farming as "amazing" (same word she used to describe her story) But let's just take a quick look at the facts: a VERY sweaty Chris pulled Kelsey in for a hug and she captured his lips, on the way in. And the thing about this show is that what men have learned over the course of billions of years seasons, is that they don't have to show any signs of rejection in the moment, all they have to do is withhold a rose at the Rose Ceremony. So OF COURSE Farming kissed her back, and of COURSE she's on Dez Hartsock's cloud 9 about it... He did try to make a graceful exit with a raspy "Shall we?" to which Kelsey coyly shook her head, and to which Grace got back in the fetal position.
          Another aspect of the episode that makes the whole thing remarkably entertaining is that Kelsey thought she was playing EVERYONE, last night. She didn't think that Chris was going to tell the other girls that she'd come to see him. She didn't think that the editors could piece her words together to blatantly expose her attempts at manipulation, and she clearly didn't think that there would be footage of the other girls talking smack about her.

....So she faked a panic attack.

I will end with a brilliant quote from Carly: "Kelsey was going to go home today. And then she talked to Chris. And now she’s not. Someone else is going home. Kelsey did that."

Can NOT wait to see Kelsey at the Women Tell All...