"I Won't Say It Was a Deal-breaker, but..."

IT WAS A DEAL-BREAKER.

As Carly so wisely put it: "It's another thing to say 'don't Google my wife.'"


Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

First things first: I'm sad we didn't see a hometown date with Carly. Zak Attack would have been there and I would have LOVED to witness Chris watch a family singalong.

MOVING ON:

SHREVEPORT, LEEZYANA: BECCA


The Living Room Peanut Gallery likes Becca because she is simple, quite like Prince Farming. She tells the camera how she's basically never had feelings for any guy anywhere, ever. But she's glad Farming is in her hometown. Seeking a natural Leezyana experience, they go for a little rowboat ride...

Methinks it was supposed to be like this:

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

But per BachelorUze, it went more like this:

If you haven't seen this, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING and watch Just Friends. 

They kiss in the boat for a little while before they realize that a crab is NOT going to come out singing "Kiss the Girl," not to mention the fact that it's rather hard to successfully.. kiss a girl... on a boat, before they eventually retire to the veranda (her parents' house) for some mint juleps (some chastity).

Let's clap it up for Becca's sister Katie, who makes her out to be NOTHING LESS than a spinster lesbian. For inquiring minds: according to Katie's Twitter, she was displeased with how she was depicted on this episode. How anyone could express displeasure over a portrayal of themselves to which they have legally given away ANY AND ALL rights is BEYOND me...

Here's what's striking: (according to the editors, at least) not only has Becca never brought a guy home before, but her family didn't think she was capable of bringing one home. They didn't say "well we've never seen her holding a guy's hand and we're sure glad it's you, Prince Farming!" they said "We've never seen her hold a guy's hand. It's weird." WHERE ARE YOUR CHEERLEADERS, BECCA??! (Apparently they're at Starmont High School, still trying to raise money for cheerleading uniforms)

OHMIGAH THIS FAMILY IS RUINING THE DATE EVEN HARDER THAN DEZ'S FAMILY DID ON SEAN LOWE'S SEASON. I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE. 

Special shoutout at this moment to Kirk's family, on Ali Fedotowsky's season, with the taxidermy, and shoutout to Dez's (NOW HUSBAND) Chris, whose Dad did a chiropractic family date...


Regardless of her oddly unsupportive family, I WILL give Prince Farming points for NOT running away from the Beckster: "it would be great to be the guy who Becca has been waiting for..."

ps - during the ferris wheel part, I turned to the LRPG and said: "The only way I'll ride a ferris wheel with a guy is if we have scripts in our hands and we're reenacting the scene from season one of The OC, between Ryan and Marissa..."


CHICAGO: Whitney

Am I wrong, or was the last Chicago hometown date with Emily Maynard and Crazy Eyed Chris?

Owwww my leg. 

Just a quick question:
.....has it occurred to Whitney that there aren't fertility nurses in Arlington? (And there won't be for at LEAST fifty more years?) I really like Whitney and I really like Whitney and Chris, but once again: there's no future for her in Iowa. I'm pretty sure the only one who could actually have a relatively un-miserable future in Arlington would be the Beckster...

Blah blah blah we see Chris putter around the fertility clinic... I'm surprised we didn't see any signs of Jade's Playboy issue in the "Man Room." (YOU KNOW I'M NOT EVEN BEING CATTY, THIS IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY)

Three cheers for Whitney's uncle as he raised his glass: "We're pretty glad to have Chris here, but we'll see how it goes..."

Raise 'em up. 

Whitney's uncle also has some insightful words about her, "She almost exudes vulnerability, but she is so strong..." This uncle is scoring more and more points with me by the minute... Chris was floored by this observation from the uncle, saying he could never really define that quality about her but that it's very accurate. NEWSFLASH: he could never define that quality about her because he has a vocabulary of sixteen words. 

I can get onboard with Whitney's relationship with her sister, I can get onboard with the tears that well up as she tells her sister that it is REAL, and I can get onboard with this bottle of whatever that she got at a flea market years ago, that she wanted to share it with the man that she married...

BUT I CAN'T GET ONBOARD WITH CHRIS AND WHITNEY. CHRISNEY. (Whis?) I want more for her. I want more for her than Chris, and I want more for her than Arlington...

Oh look: I feel the same about...

Phoenix: Kaitlyn

Special thanks to my friend Kristen, who informed me that she had a legal friend who happened to mention that this hometown date was in Phoenix instead of Canada because if you have an unusually high number of DUIs, it can be pretty tricky to get into Canada... And after the VERY little research I did, it looks like Prince Farming is guilty of no less than TEN of these alcohol-related offenses...

I only wrote four things about this date. Here's the unedited Director's cut:

- Chris's rapping that's happening right now... THIS IS UNREAL. UN. REAL.

- Kaitlyn's Mom looks like she could be Michelle Money's mom...

- "So you have feelings for him... How far into your heart do those feelings go?" GREAT QUESTION, MAMA MONEY KAITLYN.

- Kaitlyn has been KILLING the vulnerability game, this season.

Nebraska: Jade


Let's clap it up for Jade's Dad who remarked that, "I want her to live free but loved."

....Everything after that line was downhill. As an informed audience, we understand why Jade's family is speaking about her in the weirdly cryptic way that they are, but if we hadn't seen Jade's conversation with Carly, we'd be left with two major questions: 1) does she have bipolar disorder? or 2) Does she have a raging addiction?

Because her family set her up to be a nut job. Which begs the question: was Playboy the only elephant in the room? Or are there other sides to Jade that we don't know yet?

Chris perfectly summed up the whole family description of Jade: "Your brother's called you a Wild Mustang..."

After the bomb drop:

Chris: I know why you are the way you are.
Carolyn: But do you, Chris? Cause up until five minutes ago, you didn't know she modeled for Playboy...


Chris: If she's my soulmate, I'll stand behind her, no matter what's on the internet...
Grace: Because... there's no internet in Iowa.


Chris:It wasn't a deal-breaker, but...
Carolyn: "It wasn't a deal breaker, it was just... absolutely a deal breaker..."


Conclusion: The Living Room Peanut Gallery has decided that Jade is an exquisite crier. Her tears look GREAT. Way to go, Jade.