Tuesday, May 31, 2016


“Did you hear about the Sisterwives scandal?” is how my night started. I wasn’t upset about it. Carolyn filled me in on the latest. It involves one of the wives getting catfished. That's pretty much all I know. 

Meanwhile, over here on the West coast, I still have no idea why JoJo is staying in Westlake.How are the guys supposed to "break into" her house and try on her motorcycle helmet? How are they supposed to hobble over to her mansion on their crutches? (If you don't get this reference, then you're not here for the right reasons)

I’ve decided that the second episode of each season is my favorite. The guys are so nervous and so they say and do weird and outlandish stuff (like sing ALL the time) but there's enough guys still in the house that there's a steady bromance going on, and the guys don't know each other well enough to really talk specific smack, so they end up doing things like comparing dudes to protein shakes... It's so good. 

Group Date: 

Luke, Will, Evan, Danny, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, Robby

Some miscellaneous observations: 

- Robby reminds me of Chris Soules. I'm terribly bored by him.

- Thank you to men and women of fire departments everywhere. Their job is harder than anyone’s, but especially harder than JoJo’s, right now, because she was wearing HALF of the fire-fighting outfit. The whole thing weighs… about as much as she does.

- Yada yada, JoJo wants to know if a man can protect her.... I’m not saying that JoJo is a copycat, but you guys should know: one time I was talking to esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny about a guy, and Johnny gave me his take on him by saying“He’s not… he’s not a LEADER.” So our measure of a man became: leader or non-leader. And THEN we watched the season one finale of The Leftovers. Where Justin Theroux literally RAN BACK INTO A BURNING HOUSE to save his daughter. (Spoiler alert: she lives)  So then our measure of a man became: would you send him back into a burning house? I can’t find an actual photo of Justin and the burning house, but this will do for the present:


- The vampire Canadian told us “I haven’t pulled a hose like that since-” SHUT UP, EDWARD CULLEN. 

- You guys, Wells is my favorite. He is so deeply charming and I can’t even stand it.

- I’m so upset that the Erectile Dysfunction guy is still here. And JoJo cares NOT that he has children. He is for sure going home at the end of the episode.

- We did NOT need to hear Luke and Jo Jo kissing. I am getting so much salivary audio right now and it is all so unnecessary. Carolyn can’t stop giggling at his face, because "he’s super hot… but his hair is SO tall. Like, it would be way better if he would just cut off like, six inches."

- Group Date Rose went to Wells. Here’s to you, Wells Fargo.

- Carolyn’s remarks about Me Before You: “This movie will… Destroy me… For DAYS.... And I cannot wait."

Meanwhile, back on the farm at the mansion, James T is leading the guys in a group singing sesh. And seriously all I could say is: I LOVE DUDES! I'm sorry if this is offensive and sexist, but I'm pretty sure that it's scientifically proven that a group of dudes is notably more hilarious than a group of chicks. Am I wrong?

One on One: Derek

- This "Choices" date is pretty cute, I won’t lie. Clearly one of the PAs came up with this in the break room and one of the producers overheard it. Not mad. But I could definitely see Derek suffering from first one on one syndrome.

- Yeah it’s never a good sign when the lead is talking about the date ON THE DATE. She’s saying how “we made these choices today…” because she has nothing else to say. If it’s a good date, you don’t have to rehash the things that just happened an hour ago…

- After she gave him the rose, in her interview JoJo just said that relationship questions were “bogging at them,” and that phrase is almost too distorted for me to even take apart… (But just to be ultra naggy: You were bogged down by questions and doubts, JoJo. See what I did there?)  Blah blah blah they’re making out in front of a fountain… cool… I’m bored.

- Chad and Edward Cullen are talking about protein shakes and nice guys and either of them have yet to say a single thing that is coherent. I'm TELLING you: this is why episode #2 is my favorite. We get so much nonsense, but it's like the editors have written it off as necessary exposition and character development, so we see it all.

Group Date: 

Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, Chad

Some more observations: 

- After his name is called on the card, Chad tells the boys who aren't on the card: “You’ve made it your whole life without seeing JoJo what’s a little while longer gonna hurt?” Which is definitely the most logical thing he's said so far, but not the most consoling thing to hear at the moment.

- Ok Nick B definitely just won me over with the shower dance move for a touchdown dance. I expected more from Little Rodgers.

- The only thing I have to say about the “naggy” remark is that it was so, so poorly timed. It’s not an alarming choice of words, it’s that he chose to say it WHEN he did. If I had to sit down with him later, I'd say, "It's not that you called me naggy. I am naggy. But it's that you chose to say such a thing in front of a line of other people when you hardly know me. The lack of social awareness is alarming." (I have NO idea why I just created a reality where I have to sit down and tell Chad about his lack of social graces, but I'm too tired to take any of it back right now..)

I wish they'd ranked all the guys and not just the top three, but here were the top 3:

1) James

2) Chad

3) Alex

I love that this date was the male version of the Chemistry date on Ben's season. Oh Ben. How I miss thee. 

I will never get over this guy...

- James T is winning me OVER and I’m not upset about it. I'm also so relieved that his words for JoJo didn't rhyme. That got him some serious points with me.

- I didn’t realize until RIGHT THIS SECOND that Ben Higgins is 6’4”. AS IF I NEEDED ANOTHER REASON FOR HIM TO BE MY FAVORITE. 

- Chad lost his mom six months ago. That’s sad. But is he milking it a little bit? Is he? Call me mean. Call me a nag. CALL ME WRONG.

- Short Alex is going to self-destruct, whining about Chad. I’m telling you that right now. I really kind of would like to see them fight, though.

- Group Date Rose went to Sweet Baby James

Cocktail Party:

- JoJo was caught off guard by Chad’s presence at the front door, and now she's terribly uncomfortable.
You and I both, bb. 

- I haven’t seen a season bromance this strong since Dorfman’s season and I am LOVING it. Dudes are my most favorite thing. And I know that's such a basic statement, and it's probably because I went to an all girls' school, but dude friendships are just the greatest thing ever.

- Style note: Ali knows how to wear a SUIT. 

- I love how these guys are cornering Chad and Alex is NOT letting up on the questions. He wants a DETAILED transcript of their entire conversation. 

This Alex will self-destruct in five seconds... 

- Just a quick note: Chad is a luxury real estate agent… in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Anybody need any luxery real estate there? Want a vacation home, perhaps? Chad's your guy...

- Let's have a quick recap of comments about Chad's (literal) meathead status:

Grant: “Chad has consumed enough food tonight to feed a kindergarten class.” 
Luke“He would have an IV of meat if he could.” 
James:“If you have that physique and you miss a meal, it is DETRIMENTAL. At least that’s what I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know.”

- Making matters NO better for himself, Chad tells JoJo: “I’m normally cool and calculated, but I got home and I like, actually thought about you….” Good one, Chad. I feel like the Bachelor/Bachelorette is experiencing sensory overload, this early in the game because they're having to take in all sorts of new information from every angle and so instead of tuning into her natural intuition and telling Chad to take a hike, JoJo just ends up telling him he's kind of mysterious. (Again: I'm just too tired to really face the fact that I just offered a very earnest mini-psychoanalysis of anyone involved with this show. Just letting it happen at this point. I'll still be single the next time you see me, but holy CRAP I love this show.)

- Aww. I kind of felt a teensy bit sorry for Erectile Evan, just now. Poor guy.

- Carolyn pointed out: "JoJo is talking about Ben too much. He should be mentioned night one and then never again."

Roses went to: Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F, Nick, Vinny, Evan, and Chad

- Going home: Will (awkward fortune teller on night one - Jonathan Buntin, I'm not gonna lie about it, he kind of reminds me of you for some reason and since only one of us is married, Im'ma let you just take that for what it is...) James (Bachelor superfan) and Brandon (Hipster).

You know in the "You Before Me" trailer when Sam Clafin says, "You are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning..." that's basically how I feel about Chad, right now. I love it so much. I can't wait to see how it plays out. Can't wait for the episode where Chris Harrison tells Chad that men are fearing for their lives... 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016


Opening break up montage: Ugh. I love Ben Higgins so much. Except for when he PROMISED JoJo that she wouldn't be blindsided. I didn't love him then. But DAAAANG he just might be my favorite Bachelor of all time. 

Ok obviously the producers took a vacay after Ben's proposal, and the Bachelor Production Assistant was in charge of this terrible b-roll that they shot in... Westlake? Guys, Westlake isn't close to anything. This is weird.

Ok, ok. We're finally back at the Bachelor mansion, good. Is that a trampoline I spot?

There are so many hairstyles going on with these Bachelorettes right now. I'm not mad, but it's a lot. Dez. DEZ IS THE WORST. YOU GUYS, I SERIOUSLY COULDN'T STAND DEZ FOR A SINGLE SECOND OF LIFE. Other news: except for the bun she's got cooking in the oven, Ali looks EXACTLY the same as she did when she was the Bachelorette.
Even here.
I was about to ask why Andi isn't at this  BachFest, but I realized... She and Josh aren't together. She isn't a success story. (Plus she was probably away promoting her new book, I'm sure.)

Chris Harrison's hair is notably shorter this season, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't do change very well.


Grant: Firefighter... Terrible puns... NEXT.

Jordan: I really want Jordan to go far because I want Olivia Munn to be on the hometown date. Peanut Gallery Member Johnny isn't here tonight, but he will be TERRIBLY bored by Jordan. I don't trust Jordan any further than I could throw him, but he's gonna go far. He's talking to her like he already knows her.... Wait. he just said "good to see you." You guys, have these two met before? I'm so sick of him talking about being a former NFL player, already. He got the first impression rose... I still don't trust him. And I'm stressed out by his hair. It seems like it would take a lot of work to get it to do what it's doing...

Alex: OMG ALEX I AM SINGLE, GIVE ME A CALL. Waaaaaaaait. You guys. Alex is gorgeous. We see that Alex's twin brother called him up to tell him "I just met the girl I'm gonna marry." Just a quick note: I will also be able to tell this story in life because I'm pretty sure whenever I meet anyone ever, I call someone up and say "I FOUND HIM. I FOUND THE FUTURE MR. GRACE DOUGLAS." (But seriously: thank you for your service, Alex.) Eh, I won't fault him for being the first one to "steal her away," but I am unmoved by the push-ups.

James: James is obviously enjoying the perks of funemployment. His title is "Bachelor Superfan."

Evan: Even though he lives in Nashville.... Evan should go. He was a pastor and now he deals with Erectile Dys-

The door is that way, Evan. You have mojo for NO ONE. Evan got out of the limo and said "Hey, girlie!" I think we're done, here.

Ali: also looks like he's funemployed. He says he wants a house by the beach.
Funemployment doesn't get you a house on the beach... 

Christian: Christian "grew up biracial." Is he... no longer biracial? Cause I grew up chubby, but fortunately I'm no longer "growing up." Christian had no problem giving the producers the b-roll they wanted. Is he the one that is up for the gym at 3;30 am? Cause I think his perfect match might be Big Daddy.
4 am looks goooooood
Christian came in on a motorcycle. This is how I feel about it:


Luke: Luke is real pretty. But hot DAWG he's coun-TRAY. (But again: thank you for your service, Luke.) I don't understand why we had to see him leaning against the barn like this, or why we had to watch him walk UP to said barn, but... I gotta feeling this guy is going far.

Let's call it like it is: JoJo in that dress... and GRACE in that dress... they JUST wouldn't look the same, is all I'm saying. Big Daddy informed me that he thought "the girl in the red dress on that commercial with all the rose petals... she just looks fake." (HIS WORDS, not mine.) I didn't disagree.

Derek.: Oh Derek is KAAAYOOOT. He looks like a dark John Krazinski and I am INTO it.

James F: She asked him how he's doing. He says "I'm doing good, I'm doing good..." I feel like I should be into this, cause it's a Southern thing, but let's be real about it: people repeat themselves when they don't know what else to say. So he's really just informing her that he doesn't know what to do....

...or my words.

Robby: Robby's cute. He brought the bottle of wine. Shout out to Mama Fletch:

You do you, girl... 
Robby also didn't do himself any favors when he said "modge podge" instead of "hodge podge," because LET ME BE VERY CLEAR: Mod podge is a THING, and it is NOT meant to be ill-used, verbally.

Will: Will dropped his cue cards.. And his delivery of the mixed up cue cards was even worse... I'M DONE. He has a fortune teller... aaaaand he kissed her. Special thanks to my roommate Adrienne for capturing my facial expression during pretty much the whole episode, but definitely during the fortune telling bit:

No idea what that 80's crimp is doing in the middle of my hair, but I'm into it... 

Chad: Chad looks like Damien Lewiws. She likes Chad a lot. Chad accused Ben of being soft... but then he called him "supple." and I'm feeling pretty weird about it... Looks like Chad is the Dave Good of this season (Kimberly Irion and Elisa Goodrich, where you at? That reference was an OOOOOLD one.)

Daniel: "Damn, JoJo..." This guy is a wreck. "I'm not a drinker myself, but I've had more to drink than anyone here." And now we're talking about poking another man's belly button... and how he might be wearing a tie from Men's Warehouse... Ironic that he talked about someone taking their shirt off... and now he's in the pool.  Whatta mess.

James Taylor: I'M DONE. (update: ok, ok, James T is pretty sweet. But he didn't need that guitar. Or that name.)

Saint Nick: DON'T. Why on EARTH did he keep this up? May I just take a moment to tell you guys about something on my bucket list? In addition to jumping into a cab and GENUINELY (it has to be genuine!) yelling "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" before I die, I want to record an a capella version of "Little Saint Nick," where I sing all the parts.

Oh, is those weird things to have on your bucket list? I certainly don't care what's on Little Saint Nick's, cause he has got to GO.

Chase: I mustache you a question... please don't.

Jake: Jake seemed normal. We were spared any terrible one-liners from him...

Jon: Jon wore a kilt. Which was troubling. But he DID offer a nice line: "Guys, Olivia got the first impression rose and then she was left on an island..."

Sal: Blue balls.

That's all I have to say about that... 

Coley: Terrible real estate puns.

Brandon: Funemployed. Hipster. Mess. It's 2016, BrandoBaby. Get out of your mom's basement.

Nick S: can do the splits. Got white girl wasted. Was the guy who wore a bandanna under his collared shirt in his bio picture.

Vinny: Cousin Vinny brought out *actual* toast... and then proceeded to get... toasted. Boy was wasted. Somehow still got a rose.

Peter: Wanted to be her Man crush Mon-DON'T.

Wells: WHOAAAA nice move with the barbershop. I am INTO Wells. He's 31, but he looks 21. Don't know how that makes me feel, but he's charming.

Quick unimportant update: according to this commercial right now, I use the sunscreen that Jennifer Garner uses. Feeling great about it.

Twenty bucks says Crazy Eyed Chris is getting out of the limo right now... OMG JAKE PAVELKA YAAAAAASSSSSS. Please don't be vying for her, Jake. Jake is not a young man, you guys. (BECCA KOTTE, I NEED YOU TO YOU BACK ME UP, HERE) Ok, he's a family friend and this whole thing was a decoy. Whew. Thank heaven.

Roses went to:
James T(aylor)
James F (steady commentary)
Ali (Is it disrespectful of me to call him Ollie?)
Nick (yes, SANTA)
James S
aaaaaand Daniel

Guys who went home: the guy who got way too drunk (that wasn't Daniel or Vinny) and had a handkerchief on in his bio picture, the kilt guy, Peter, (why?) and a black guy... Did I miss any one?


The only noteworthy thing I have to say is that they made it look like Chad totally beats up a guy.... They also made it look like someone shoved Tiara down the stairs. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE EDITING, PEOPLE.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...