Tuesday, February 26, 2013

11x11 = 141

        This post is dedicated to a one Eric Aboozer. And by that, I obviously mean, “Erica Boozer.” It’s almost as fun to say her name that way as it is to say my name “Gray Stouglas.” And due to how quickly I say my name sometimes, certain people (one in particular, who will remain anonymous) are prone to think that’s my name.

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)
   While she was watching on the east coast, my dear friend Katie was remarking on HOW. CRAZY. aShLeE is, “I mean, you know her therapist is shaking her head right now, because AsH is PSYCHO. WHY DOES SHE KEEP TALKING ABOUT THEIR MARRIAGE?!” I replied, “Her shrink isn’t shaking her head right now, she’s probably shopping online because she knows she’s gonna make a killing when AsH gets back and needs SIX. SESSIONS. A. DAY, to mend her broken heart…” I also realized soon after that: it’s not that AsH is crazy. It’s that she’s had SO much therapy and is, in fact, so UN-crazy, that she’s leaps and bounds ahead of the other girls, when it comes to articulating her emotions. Middle America is used to a giddy Lindsay saying that she “gets tongue tied, every time I try to tell Sean I love him,” that AsH turning the whole Polar Bear plunge into a Family Week ropes course exercise is "crazy" to us. Girl is not off her rocker. She’s just rocking so intensely that… she’s gonna get sent home.

        And her cold exit? Let’s get one thing straight right now: that’s the equivalent of any other contestant getting into the fetal position and rocking back and forth and crying about rejection. She reverted back to a deeply ingrained defense mechanism, that she LEARNED WHEN SHE WAS FOUR, as we all know, of putting up walls and shutting people out. Most children learn early on to recoil and self-soothe and protect themselves. aShLeE learned early on to throw up the big D (…defense, hello?) and be an icy brick wall. Which means that if she hadn’t been so taken aback by the rejection, she would have cried her eyes out, in a breakdown for which sadistic Bachelor Nation was waiting. But due to her shock, she immediately reverted to the only thing she knew: ICY BRICKS AND DAGGER EYES.

I didn’t mean to turn this into a psychology thesis, but there it is.


1) Fantasy Suite: Lindsay 
- Sean says that “traveling is a test” and thinks this time with Lindsay is going to be very telling of their relationship. Hey Seannie? Just a heads up: you might wanna try the kind of “traveling” your Dad did, to set a world record and spend SEVENTY TWO HOURS IN THE CAR with a girl. That will tell you about compatibility…

Questions I have: 
- How many times did it take Sean to say the name of the resort and city where they are, that smoothly?
- Ok who says the girls have to say “I love you”? Is it just me, or is Sean digging around for that proclamation like it’s some kind of notch in his belt? It’s getting old…

Memorable Quotes: 
- “Worrisome” is the word Sean chose to use, about this week of dates. About the intimate, alone-time-with-no-cameras dates. Worrisome.
- “To know that someone I like so much is… in love with me is… humbling.” I put certain words in bold that should be noted as having HUGE CONTRAST.
- “I thought Lindsay could be crazy. And not a good kind of crazy.”
- “If we end up together, this is what a normal vacation would be like.” Oh, would it, Lindsay? Have you cleared that with Seannie? That your “normal” vacations will be to Thailand?
- “This is not supposed to be pink…” What a Christian way to put it. Sean’s subtext, here: JESUS DIDN’T MAKE THE BIRD PINK. THIS IS WRONG.
- Ok so Lindsay can say “I’m so excited for our life to start,” but she can’t say “I love you”? Because all she has to say is “I know you might dump me tomorrow, but you should know that I love you.” But to talk about their future life together? THAT is no-holds-barred vulnerability, people. Which only reiterates the point that Lindsay has the maturity of a seven year old.
-  Lindsay: I love you
    Sean: I love hearing you say that.
   Grace: Good one, Sean.

2) Fantasy Suite: aShLeE 

- I mean, we get it, Sean. You’re looking for a woman to fulfill Ephesians 5:22. You want her to submit. You want her to hold onto you like you’re a darn life preserver, as you excavate a dark cave. Your inability to be straight-forward and articulate this Messianic need to be needed, in addition to these bug-eating, cave-excavating “tests,” make me “trust” you less and less.
- I have no idea what just happened in the exchange between AsH and SeAn about the Fantasy Suite. I’m pretty sure she was trying to say, “I’m not gonna have sex with you and I don’t want you to think that (unless you DIDN’T have sex with the other two, then I might consider it) also my shrink told me I should use the word 'boundary.' But we’re not having sex.”
        …Instead there were a lot of vague references and suddenly all three girls seemed to turn into Catherine’s sister, when it comes to talking about the Fantasy Suite, with their ability to not actually say anything specific, just make oblique inferences…

Questions I have: 
- Am I missing something? WHAT has Sean done to gain Ashlee’s trust, in this sea-cave business?! He doesn’t know what he’s doing – what is supposed to make him a good candidate for Leader, here?

Memorable Quotes: 
- “My commitment is to Sean and my commitment is to change my way of thinking.” AsH’s shrink gave herself a HUGE pat on the back for this one.
- “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety, every time.” This, THIS is why I say Sean has a Messiah complex. Because Seannie, you CAN’T get AsH to safety, every time, Honey.

Ok, I kind of hate myself a little, for standing on my feminist soap box right now, but the Allison Norris within me will NOT be silenced. If you have any desire to read further about why I have such a beef with Sean’s Messiah complex, read the following article: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704409004576146321725889448.html

(See what I did there with “beef”? Yuk yuk yuk) But seriously: Sean acts like the girls are the outlier, for not being uber quick to put their trust and faith in him. I would argue that SEAN is the outlier: I’m sorry, men of America, but maybe if you stepped up your game, women wouldn’t have such a hard time letting go of this panicked sense of independence that we’ve had to develop.

Ok. My feminist rant is over.

- “This man has literally healed my broken heart.” I think we’re done here.

3) Fantasy Suite: Catherine

- So glad they’re making the Fantasy Suite about “time together.”
- There are many reasons why I’d be a terrible contestant on this show. I find that I am rarely tempted to apply for such. But last night marked a rare time where I found myself tempted to apply, JUST to get to Fantasy Date Week, so upon being handed the card from Hare, I could say to the Bachelor, “I will absolutely go to the Fantasy Suite with you… IF you can recite the contents of this letter, by heart. BECAUSE I CERTAINLY CAN.”
- I have no idea why Hare came on and started talking about-
           Oh. It’s a promo for that Wizard of Oz thing.
- I’m waiting for one of these women to be asked, “Where do you see us in 5 years?” and reply “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!”

Questions I have:
- Why can’t Sean move to where one of these women live? Why do they all have to be ready to move to HIS home?
...Sorry. I’ll shut Feminist Grace back in the closet.

Memorable Quotes:
- “I’m pretty traditional, in terms of relationships…” Cat, you’re turning into your sister here, LOOK OUT. What she means to say is: “I know I come off as a hipster, which indicates that I’d be all about casual sex, but I’m not gonna hop in the sack with just anybody…” Instead, we get Vague Bachelor Contestant, who totally skirts around what she really means, here…
- “I’m attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the Fantasy Suite…” I don’t even know what to say about this, Seannie, except for: YIKES BIKES.
- “When we’re together, I feel like he’s mine and I am his.” Ohhhh you know King Solomon Sean LOVED hearing that line, when he was watching last night.

4) Rainy Rose Ceremony:

- Sean’s eyes are contesting Hare’s, for brilliance right now.
- If I had to leave Sean a video message, I would sing Hunter Hayes’ “Somebody’s Heartbreak.” The end.
- Is Sean wearing lipstick, as he watches these video messages? ALSO, can I get a slow clap for Arie’s video message, this time last season? Or rather, the outtakes of his video message? Cause they were epic:
- Ash looks SMOKIN’ for the Rose Ceremony. Have fun breaking her heart, Seannie.
- OH NO SHE’S GONNA CRY, MID-VID-MESSAGE. “I believe that together, we are whole.” SOMEONE STOP THIS. AsH, Honey, only Jesus can make you whole. Sean can’t do it.
- I will close with a classic delivery of Cat’s: “She… She didn’t say goodbye to us.”

And just like the show closes with bloopers each week, I will close with some classic verbal faux pas from the women:

- Lindsay: “I do take this serious.”

- aSh: “It’s pitch dark.”

- AsH: “That doesn’t set well with me.”
Grace: SIT WELL. That doesn’t “sit well,” aShLeE.

- Cat: “I feel great. My head is in the clouds.”
Grace: Oh Catty Whack. You possess the strongest ability to be generally articulate, among the women, so I’ll forgive you. But this is the second time you’ve incorrectly spoken about “your head” and “clouds.” A head in the clouds indicates that someone is not thinking through their actions. You meant to say “I’m walking on air.” But aShLeE left without saying goodbye: it’s been a tough week for you. You're forgiven.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

He's A General with HOW MANY Stars?

Shoutout to a one Buck Curley this week, who sent me the following picture, with the caption: “Your brother woke up to a single rose in his apartment this morning. He doesn’t know why. Is he the Bachelor?”  

I replied: “Well I had to tell him SOMEHOW that I sent his bio to Chris Harrison…


To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)


1) aShLeE

- Anyone who would “take lightly” the meeting of the parents… wouldn’t introduce someone to their parents anyway, aSh. Stop patting yourself on the back…
- Ohhhh and we’re BACK TO FAMILY WEEK. AsH “submerged” her “feelings” in the polar bear plunge waters. Don’t get me wrong: AsH has clearly done a lot of emotional work. This is healthy. This is great. But I will now quote Miranda Lambert: “GO AND HIDE YOUR CRAZY AND START ACTING LIKE A LADY…”
- WHOAAA Mama brought it full circle. aShLeE was abandoned. And she has abandoned herself to Sean. BOOM.
- Sean is cleverly masking his judgement as he asks Daddy about AsH’s previous marriage. Whatever he says certainly doesn't come out as “HOW COULD YOU LET HER RUN OFF WHEN SHE WAS SEVENTEEN, BRO?!”

Questions I Have:
- Why is aShLeE just finding out that Sean’s father is ordained?
- I’m JUST curious: did AsH bring home… her first husband? Can we get some pictures of her first wedding? Anyone?
- Why is Sean giggling as he anticipates that Ash’s father might ask if he loves her?
- aSh goes on for about fifteen minutes to the camera about how she DOESN’T WANT TO WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE to get married… Are you SURE it’s just marriage that you “don’t wanna wait for,” Ash?

Memorable Quotes:
- “Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was…” I’m pretty sure I said this last week, but: MAYDAAAAAY.

- “I’ve loved… and I’ve had boyfriends…” SHE’S NEGLECTING TO MENTION THAT SHE HAD A HUSBAND.
- “I wanna know what y’all have done up till now…” DO YOU, PAPA FRASIER?
- Ash: “Y’all are gonna have to forgive me. There was a lot of romance.”
   Sean: “All in fun, of course.”
   Grace: Please excuse me while I get in the fetal position.
- “What are your intentions for aShLeE? Are you gonna break her heart?” Mama practiced this one in the mirror a few times. And by “a few” I mean "fifty." I'm pretty sure the women at her Bible Study told her that if she said it dramatically enough, it would be shown as many times as Sean's "Don't put your hands on me," in the promos...
- Sean asks Papa Fraz, “Would you be ok with me asking her to marry me?” Lemme tell you what kind of “asking for your blessing” wouldn’t fly with my father: THIS ONE. “Are you ok with it?” I’M NOT OK WITH HOW YOU POSED THAT QUESTION, SEANNIE.
- “I had a connection with her and I fell in love with her.” – I GOT PROBLEMZ WITH THIS ANALOGY, Papa Fraz.
- “Today was magical. It’s like there was little pixie dust everywhere.” 
....I don't even really have a comment... about that comment...

2) CAT: 
- I have NO idea what is going on with the fish and the yelling, but I’m not upset about it. And I want Sean and Cat to be my best friends NOW.
- Catherine is by far the most articulate lady of the four. I don’t find this upsetting.
- Wow. That being said, we are now watching her sister as she literally says nonsense. No wait. "Nonsense" isn't even accurate, because that implies that she'd use actual WORDS. She's just gesturing and letting Sean fill in the blanks. Joel McHale better address this on The Soup.
- Well, Sean certainly never did get that blessing, from Cat's Mama.

Questions I have: 
- Is aShLeE compulsively organizing her DVD collection, in agony, as she watches this?
- This is by no means a racial comment, but a Disney one. Anyone else getting “Would you like to stay for dinner/ WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?” From Cat’s Lola? 

Memorable Quotes:
- Sean says, “If I know Catherine…” So there’s a possibility that you DON’T know Cat?
- Cat: It’s slippery:
  Fish guy: I know; it’s a fish.
- “I never worry about being the cool guy in front of Catherine… Because that’s impossible. I love that. I never wanna be the cool guy with Catherine.”
- “I don’t think in the clouds.” She needed to say her head isn't in the clouds. But this is her first verbal mistake, so I’ll forgive her.
- “She's either very happy or very… focused.” Good save, Sister of Cat.
- “Her sisters brought up things that make me doubt our relationship.” (Like… you’re worried that she’ll turn into her older sister and never use actual words again? Or be really messy? Or be in a really “focused” mood?)

3) Lindsay: 

- I’m gonna vote that Linz’s “youthful energy” can be attributed to… HER AGE. 
- This whole army role playing thing. I’m not digging it.
- At the rate we're going, I’d hate to see Sean meet a FOUR star general… 
- If I were Lindz’s dad watching at this point, I’d be offended that she had apparently done nothing to defend her Dad from appearing as a vengeful villain in Sean’s mind. 

Questions I have: 
- Are they, or are they not going to tell General Daddy about their drunken first night? 
- …Why does Lindz not know her father’s title? 

Memorable Quotes: 
- “If my parents like him… I’ll be ready… To tell him I’m falling in love with him.” Spoiler alert, Lindz: aSh beat you by two weeks… 
- “I love cupcakes.” Ah, the most magical words for a man to utter... 
- “Ive never taken home a boyfriend that I’m serious about...” So you've only taken home boys you’re NOT serious about? 
- “He just wants to see me happy and doesn't want anyone to get in the way of that.” I mean, my dad wants a lot of things for me... however, morphing into DESTROYER MODE, to annihilate anyone who "gets in the way," is not at the top of his list. 
- Lindz has been waiting for this, “ALL MY LIFE.” ...all twenty four years? COME ON. 

4) Dez: 

- RUNYON CANYON, GET OUT OF MY FACE WITH YOUR STUPID YAPPY DOGS. I would like to take a moment to give a shoutout to a one Andy Patton, former Latin teacher, who introduced me to the term “drop and kick dog,” that is defined, as he put it, by “if it’s the kind of dog that you can, you know, drop and kick.” Dorothy Williams’ face turned an indignant bright red when he asked her if this was the case with her dachshund, and since I’ve moved out here, I think about drop and kick dogs almost every day. Mind you, my precious dog Achates (named after a character in Vergil’s Aeneid = Latin is life) is the size of a drop and kick dog. She will do anything to stay next to warm body. I’m still kind of uncertain as to how this picture happened, but somehow she wedged herself between all the pillows to get closer to my mom: 
THE POINT IS: I wouldn’t take Catie to Runyon Canyon and make her schlep all the way to the top. But these hippie actors out here can’t stand to be alone for one minute, so they haul their poor drop and kick dogs through the canyon. And Sean and Dez passed about fifty of them.
- THIS BOYFRIEND THING IS THE WORST. PRANK. EVER. It is seriously a toss-up: making Dez think she owed 1.5 million dollars, or making Sean’s blood pressure rise to unreasonable heights. Your pranks SUCK, guys.
- Wait I’m loving Dez’s parents right now.

Questions I have:
- Every day, Sean? You walk your dogs every day?
- Anyone remember that girl on London Bachelor Matt Grant’s season, who had the fake parents come out for a minute? With the mom that was crazo hitting on Matt? That was pretty funny…
- See how un-fun it is to be pranked, Sean?
- Why is the brother’s accent so much thicker than Dez’s?
- If Seanskii isn’t good enough for Nate… who is?
- Why are Dez and the parents letting Nate get away with this kind of behavior right now? Is this real life?
- And finally, lemme tell you who WOULDN’T put on the kind of show that Nate just did. THIS GUY: 
(But seriously, Davey: you have about ten more seconds left to live before I sign you up to be the next Bachelor. WHO’S WITH ME?!) 

Memorable Quotes:
- “Because I did miss you so much, I realized that I don’t want to miss you.” Like I said... Dez seriously reminds me of every girl I NEVER liked in life.
- “What am I about to do to this guy?” SOMEONE IS THERE TO GUARD AND PROTECT DEZ'S HEART.
- “Just don’t fall for nobody.” …Did her brother just say that to Dez?
- Sean says to Crazy Brother, “I’m sorry I gave you that opinion.” – IMPRESSION, Sean. I’M SORRY I GAVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION.

5) Rose Ceremony: 
- So glad Hare has adopted the use of “chopping block,” from Bachelor Pad. Also delighted that we’re back in front of the Headshot Bookshelf.
- You know those stories about people blindly following the voice of God? I’m in no way knocking these kind of stories. I’m just commenting on the fact that THE ROSE CEREMONY was probably never a place where one thought that this would be the case.
- Why is Dez whispering to Sean right now? Can I also get a slow clap for the time that Crazy-Eyed-Chris pulled Emily aside before the rose ceremony? Cause I thought we were actually going to witness cardiac arrest on national television, that day.
- How sweet that Kacie B let Lindz borrow her dress.
- Hare offers his advice: “Get this right.” OMG THANKS HARE, IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW.
- Honestly if I were Cat or Dez right now, I would have just walked out. If he was that unsure of who he wanted to be with, he should just send them both home. (Also, why didn’t Hare come out to announce it was the final rose?)
- Oh wait. I DID just walk out at that moment. To go get my roommate from the airport. Don’t say I didn’t qualify for the Friendship Award, 2013. I’m too lazy to wade through all the commercials on ABC.com right now, but I DO look forward to seeing the fallout of Dez, in the Limo Ride of Shame.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

This Little Spark of Mine... I'm Gonna Let It Shine...

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)

I will say this: I’m never envious of where the show goes to film; mainly because I know that it’s not like anyone is really getting out anywhere to experience any real aspects of the city…



This is because I happen to know how beautiful the US Virgin Islands are.

Because I’ve been there.

Am I about to regale you with tales of my glamorous world travels? I am not. I’m about to regale you with a time that I was so EGREGIOUSLY chunky, it’s literally unreal. And my life was so grievously tacky that you can see that the acrylic nail came off my index finger, on this trip. (The lack of nail is tacky; not the nails themselves, ETHAN.)

Dear America,
One time this happened. Junior year of high school has to happen to us all, at some point.
Love, Grace
Pps: if anyone ever doubts how far I am willing to go with self-deprecation, in order to entertain the people, just show them THIS picture.

(Special thanks to Lou, for being seen with me. NO THANKS TO HER FOR LOOKING THIS GOOD AT HER AGE.)

1. Blah Blah, Here’s an Introduction to St. Croix…
Memorable Quotes:
- “How many times do you get to fly into St. Croix on a sea plane?” I have three problems with this question, Sean.
          a) “how many times” implies that it’s more than likely that these girls might do so more than once, which was already a stretch, to begin with.
          b) “fly into St. Croix” Well no one does that one, either.
          c) I’m just not even going to dignify “seaplane” with commentary.
- The girls, about the suite in which they’re staying: “It smells so new.”
- “I’m not friends with girls who like my boyfriend…” Then who ARE you friends with, Tiara?

2. One on one Date With aShLeE
- They have to swim to a catamaran, in order to board it. Said boat is seriously ten feet away. Sean made it sound like they were about to swim the English Channel.
- They then jump off the top of said boat. That is probably twenty feet high. Sean makes it sound like they're jumping off the Titanic...
- Ah, the token lying-on-the-beach makeout. I’m sorry, is OCD aShLeE not perturbed by all the sand that is EVERYWHERE right now? Also, if I were ever charged with the responsibility of pulling off the sprawled beach makeout, literally every other word out of my mouth would be “I’m sorry I haven’t shaved my legs in so long and that they’re wrapped around you right now. I’m sorry.”
- Hey aSh, good news: your marriage would be a “make or break” (they’re actually called “deal breakers”; if you’re gonna marry a 28 year old, you should probably stop using lingo of ye days of yore) if you were 20, and said marriage had been 3 years ago, you’d be in trouble… GOOD THING IT WAS THIRTEEN YEARS AGO.
- Ok but seriously stop talking about HOW you’re gonna breeze through it and just SAY IT.

Questions I have:
- Just out of curiosity… Why hasn’t Sean chosen to listen to Jackie or Lez, in regards to Tiara? He is falling all over himself in gratitude towards Ashlee for finally “showing him the light,” when we’ve watched other women attempt to do so this season, several times. Just last week, MyBestFriendLeslie said "Oh she's just being Miley," but Sean apparently didn't hear a word...

Memorable Quotes:
- “I get so carried away with Sean. If it’s not physically, it’s emotionally carried away…” WE KNOW, aShLeE.
- “The Cougar’s back in town.” I mean, as wretched as Tiara is… She does make a point. Why hasn’t Ash settled down already? Oh wait. She did. When she was 17.
- “I want to roll away… her rollaway bed… Into the ocean.” THANK YOU, MyBestFriendLez
- “So you were a married high school junior? That’s… young.” Leave it to Sean, to make such an astute observation.
- “You are not broken. Take that out of your vocabulary.” Ok Sean, my knees went a little weak on that one.
- Let’s also take a moment to look at the fact that after Ashlee belted “I LOVE SEAN!” the rookie editor giggled to himself as he followed up with Sean’s, “Ashlee is special… I could fall in love with Ashlee.”

3. One on One with the Tierrorist
- Tiara is literally the first human EVER to appear on this show and complain about her date before it’s even begun. WAY. TO. GO.
- I will say this: Tiara spits a GREAT game to Sean. If he’d heard nothing from aShLeE, he’d fall for it, hook line and sinker.
- Ok am I the only one who heard Tiara say that Sean bought her a “trinity bracelet, which means that love is forever”? It’s seriously a toss-up: I could have misheard, OR she could be such a WORDSMITH that she mixed up “trinity” and “infinity.” Or maybe it was a secret promo for Revenge, who knows?

Questions I Have:
- How does one make it to several episodes into the travel dates, having NOT had a one on one? Props to Tiara for not taking a backseat like that random dude that made it to like, Iceland on Ali’s season…

Anyone remember him? Anyone?

Memorable Quotes:
- Tiara: I love shopping with Sean.
   Carolyn: I hate shopping with boys.

- We get a glimpse of a later scene where Tiara is going to say: “I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW.”

4. “Group” Date:

- Sean tried to go Bachelor Rogue and see the girls without make-up… And we see that Dez looks… exactly the same without makeup
- If a potential suitor woke me up at 4 AM, I’d be less concerned with appearing without make-up than I would be about the wrath that my suitor would have to face, for rousing me at such an early hour, I’m JUST saying…
- I am loving the way little Concerned Cat looks, wrapped up in Sandy Sean’s freckled embrace right now.
- Ughh Dez and Sean are trekking through that thick kind of sand right now that is wretched terrain for breach walking…

- “The crazy girl that walked in in a wedding dress now has a hometown rose. Nobody saw that coming.” You’re right about THAT, Lindsay. You’ve got the system BEAT right now.
- Upon hearing Cat’s story about her Dad, Carolyn barked, “SHE STARTED WITH THE TREE STORY?! WHEN SHE HAD THAT IN HER BACK POCKET, THE WHOLE TIME?”

I would now like to take this brief interlude to talk about an interview that Carolyn and I watched, during a commercial break. (During which we had to turn our TV off and on again, per usual during the commercial breaks, so it will go back to normal color TV, as opposed to the black and white/ discoteca that it’s so fond of sporting)

Remember that single Dad, Doug, who gave Emily Maynard the MOST awkward kiss ever, just before she sent him home from Ireland, or whatever rainy UK country they were in? We watched an interview with him. But the interview also featured his son. This is his son:

You go, Glen CoCo.

5. One on One with MyBestFriendLez:
I only have 2 Questions:
2) Where did that skirt come from? I need it.

6. Eruption of Mt. Vesuvius: (I seriously have no idea what else to call it) 

Remember that time I watched Davey and Grace have a conversation on national TV, in St. Croix? Cause it got a little weird.

- The Rookie Editor truly outdid himself with this one, cutting back and forth between the cat fight and Sean’s conversation with his sister, amid the building ominous symphony…
- Tiara messed this one up, big time. All she had to do – all she had to do was go meet the sister. Sean really seemed to be pretty clueless that anything was going on; Tiara could have gone to meet the sister and played the whole thing off, buying herself at least another hour of time to fan the flame of her “spark.”
- Let’s talk about the proportion of Tiara’s response to Sean’s “I wanted you to meet my sister,” and Sean’s “I think you should go home.” Cause she lost. it. on that first one, but seemed pretty collected, about the second.

Memorable Quotes:
- “I don’t want him to fall victim of her manipulation.” YOU DO NOT FALL VICTIM OF SOMETHING, aShLeE, YOU FALL VICTIM TO IT.
- “MEN LOVE ME!” Apparently not all men, Tiara.
- “My parents said, ‘Tierra, you have a spark. Don’t let those girls take away the spark.’” Genius. Fellow Bachelor Devotee Brittany Hays shares my sentiment of nearly wishing we’d seen her through to the hometown dates, JUST to see how nutty her family was.
- aShLeE “Go to your cot.”
  Tiara: “See, that’s bashing. You’re bashing me.”

- Sean: “Do you think specific women spoke up about you?”
  Tiara: “Just like… Ashlee”

- Tiara: I have a big heart.
   Carolyn: You mean physically, it’s oversized? We need some clarity, here.”

7. Rose Ceremony:
- Sadly… I feel like the final five are… friends. And genuinely like each other.
- He’s gonna send MBFLez home, I just know it. And ISN’T THERE SOMETHING TO BE SAID about not wearing your heart on your sleeve? Lez was just playing her cards safely. Can you blame the girl?
- Also: Glad there’s a telescope in the rose ceremony room.
- CATHERINE IS CRYING OVER LEZ… YOU AND ME BOTH, CAT. (Well, figuratively, anyway.)
- Finally... thank you for wearing your seatbelt in the rejection van, Lez. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Fifty Shades of Cray

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)

        I would like the record to show that last week, a one Ethan Kasnett remarked on my commentary, and the text conversation went something like this:
Ethan: I love it, but your blog is like, livejournal or xanga or something. Soooo 2000’s. You should use blogspot.
Grace: ……….I DO use blogspot.


        It seems worth mentioning that there has been ZERO explanation for the back to back episodes – at least on Emily’s season, it was the Men Tell All on Sunday night before the finale aired on Monday, but… two days of the Pacific Northwest? Oh well.

        In whatever random hotel they’re staying, aShLeE comments that “The girls are trying to subside the tension.” I briefly addressed this yesterday, so I’ll save the ranting and suffice it to say: the word she was looking for was: dispel the tension. “Subside” is intransitive, “dispel” is transitive. I JUST WANT CLEARLY EXPRESSED IDEAS.


        I think yesterday I commented that Catherine was actually 7 years old. I need “sprite” to be added to that description…


- Apparently if the producers made her stand in the random blizzard for long enough, she’d be jumping for joy at the first sign of “rescue.” Said rescue is… “Sean’s Giant Snow Bus." Literally.

- Ok there HAD to be some jokes about the onesie that the Rookie ABC Editor left out.

- She literally has the voice of a Disney princess.

- Back at the hotel, Daniella finds out she’s on a group date, not the one-on-one. She’s handling it well. Dez, on the other hand, needs a one-way ticket for a Snow Bus ride. And NOT “Sean’s Giant Snow Bus.”

- I just wanna recap, here. Or “rehash the past,” as Tiara would say:
So… when Cat was 12, a tree fatally fell on her friend… and at that point, she knew she wanted a partner for life.

- Cat, I won’t lie: as “intelligent” as Sean says you are, I’m a little skeptical about your understanding of the social constructions of set up and pay off, because the payoff of that tree story was not proportional to the set up…


Questions I have:
- How long did they make her stand in that blizzard in the middle of nowhere? Oh. Oh, I get it: it was so she could feel “rescued.”

- How much longer are they going to keep them out in the snow? This weather is undoubtedly “blustery.” I haven’t even thought about that word since Winnie the Pooh said it, blowing around the Hundred Acre Woods, but that’s what’s happening to these two right now…

Memorable Quotes: 
- “Catherine has melted my heart.” I was expecting Sean to follow this line with a sensible “Yuk yuk.”


- LOOK AT MyBestFriendLesley, THE POLITICIAN, TAKING INITIATIVE AND GETTING IN THAT CANOE WITH SEAN. She also spoke very candidly about being perfectly willing to get hypothermia for Sean, and didn’t seem to be that fazed by it, UNLIKE OTHERS. Kuddos Lez, kuddos.

- aShLeE is basically crying, about the Polar Bear Plunge. She is literally seventy years old. Ohhh she just remarked that she is, in fact, putting herself in an “emotionally vulnerable place” with the plunge. Make that: 70 and NUTS.

- Lindsay, I don’t really believe that you’re “an outdoor person;” I just don’t.

- I need a slowclap for the way that Daniella is clutching her torso in her bikini, to hide it from the camera right now. Oh Dani. I been there, girlfraaind. One of these contestants needs to make the toga acceptable for moments like this.

- Ashlee, this isn’t Family Week, it’s The Bachelor. Please don’t talk about breakthroughs.


- Sean visits Tiara, with her debatably fake oxygen mask. OH YOU CAN CRAWL IN BED WITH MY HYPOTHERMIC SELF ANYTIME, SEANNIE.

- Later in the evening, Sarah is showing Sean pictures, ready to take him home to her family. Ooh no.

- Tiara, Sweetie, unless that’s Bath and Body Works body splash, we don’t need to be using that many sprays of perfume, before you go crash that party.

Questions I have:
- Anyone remember how much aShLeE “ doesn't like activities,” as we hear about the Polar Bear Plunge?

- Anyone else notice that Selma’s hair is significantly darker?

- I wonder if Tiara would have played the hypothermia card if the lifeguards hadn’t warned her. I wonder if she’d ever heard the word “hypothermia” before. I'm also pretty sure this is as exaggerated a claim as heat exhaustion and dehydration, on the Grand Canyon Hike. Halfway down the Canyon last year, my Dad and I realized: the copious severe warning signs everywhere ARE FOR THE MORONS WHO DON'T DRINK WATER, EVER. Just like hypothermia risks are for GIRLS WHO PURPOSELY WONDER OFF INTO THE CORNER WITHOUT A TOWEL.

Memorable Quotes:

- Sean, to MyBestFriendLesley about the canoe: “Let me be a man.” OH YOU CAN BE A MAN ALL DAY LONG, SEAN.

- “I am from Baghdad. We don’t do this.”

- “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity? No it isn't  I could come back here and do this tomorrow.” Well said, Selma.

- Medic (or perhaps local) Do you know what day it is?
Tiara: Nuh uh.

- Tiara: They had me in a wheelchair, and I thought: this guy better marry me. I’m kidding.
Sean: No you’re not.
Tiara: You’re right. I’m not.

- MyBestFriendLesley: “Tiara is dyyyyying of... frostbite.”


- Speaking of whom, she asserts: “At the end of the day, Sean’s gonna give out the rose to someone he feels chemistry with…” CUE THE DISPLAY OF SEAN’S TONGUE, down Lindsay's throat.

If he’s gonna send Sarah home because he doesn't wanna put her through a rose ceremony, why is he putting her through the niceties of explaining the downward slide of their relationship?!


Is there a reason we’re following them down the hall right now?

Oh Sarah. We knew that you knew what he was gonna say.

A hotel napkin!? Is that the best the ABC shrink can do right now, for her tears?

Oh wow. She literally just rattled off a paragraph of lines that she gets from guys.

And finally, concerning the preview that is prefaced by Hare’s “Coming Up!” I would like to say: Selma, your chest coming out of that shirt on national television will shame your family, not whatever that weird lip-clasp thing was, or whatever you wanna call it, when you tried to kiss Sean…


- Hi, Dez? Newsflash: “steep” implies difficulty if you’re going uphill. All you have to do is slide down. Stop whining about repelling.


- Lemme tell you about an activity in which I would NEVER challenge a guy: tree climbing.

- I’m extremely un-upset about how Dez is talking about living in a tent. She’s saying it in a “didn’t everybody live in a tent?” kind of way, but not in a way that makes Sean feel like an imbecile for growing up in a house, nor in a way that is pretending to be normal, while actually passively begging Sean to ask questions.

- So many dream catchers happening right now. So much ash in Dez’s hair.

Questions I have:
- Sean says it takes “faith and hope” to repel down a mountain.
…Not “love,” Seannie? No Bible jokez?

- “Come up here, my little cub.” Ok Sean. That was funny.

- “I opened up about spending some of my life living in a tent, and here I am: falling in love in a teepee.” SIT DOWN, DEZ.


- Selma just made “wife” a verb. I’m ok with it.

- aShLeE, Sweetheart, we've been over this. It's The Bachelor, not Family Week. You are not in therapy right now. You can’t just-- no no. Oh no. NOT THE BLINDFOLDDDDDD.

- Perhaps this was some late night misadventure of the Rookie ABC Editor, but I just heard aShLeE say something to the effect of “I have all this need for control because I was abandoned and I’ve never really dealt with it before…” RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

- Obviously there’s NO. WAY. aShLeE “hasn’t dealt” with any of it, because she has this dang blindfold, that she probably got from her therapist at family week. (Note: the ABC Shrink is DEFINITELY not certified to conduct Family Week.)


- This is the second time aShLeE's said “I adore you” in a week. Oh she just said “my life has changed.” This isn't going to end well. And in case anyone was wondering: yes, AshLee has been married before. She was 19 and it was for a year and a half. Wonder if THAT bit of information is gonna come up??

Memorable Quotes:
- About her little Fifty Shades activity, aSh says: “It’s jumping in with Sean, and you know, hopefully getting out with him” …as opposed to getting out with someone ELSE?

- “Leave it up to me to have something up my sleeve.” I resent you for this remark, AsH

- “I came here to fall in love. And I’m leaving here with a memory.” That’s pretty poetic, Alice Cullen.

- Daniella said that she was “keeping a straight face, but it hurts.” Daniella, honey, everyone knows you’re not gonna keep that straight face, in the clutches of the ABC shrink right now.

Questions I have:
- …Isn’t it just cheating if Sean carries aShLeE on this blindfolded jaunt?

- Did Selma whisper, “I take my kiss back” before she walked out? Cause she should have.

- Are we not gonna see Daniella say goodbye to him?

As they raise their champagne glasses, Sean tells the women: “You six were the six for me.” Is ABC hinting at its own version of Sister Wives, here?

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

She's a Vegan and She Likes Beef... What About Goat's Milk?

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

          So I started this episode a little late in the game (and by “late” I mean “30 minutes,” which really means I only missed the first part of Lindsay’s one-on-one, because we all know the first 25 minutes are worthless recaps. If you’re asking yourself about the difference between the last two words of that sentence and this webpage, the answer is “commentary,” my friend.)

          I turned on the beginning for a hot minute on abc.com, but it’s seriously so unfortunate to see all those women without make-up, while Hare is telling them about their "journey around the world to find love" (thatwillbegininMontana) that I just gave up on it.

          Oh. I should also mention that I watched this episode entirely in black and white. No, I wasn't wearing a flapper dress and sitting at a speakeasy, I was in the year 2013, having just finagled aluminum foil around the two TV antennae perched on top of the converter box, (special thanks to Lisel and Josh Albee for their generous contribution of said converter box) perched on top of our trusty television. And by “trusty,” I mean “we found it on the street and it’s from the year 1997.” My roommate Carolyn and I just might develop a weird strand of suspicious OCD, because we’re now convinced that the success of the picture is dependent upon things like: where you’re sitting, where the antennae are in relation to the window, how many cookies you've eaten, etc. The point of all of this is: I COULDN'T TELL THE BLUE AND RED TEAMS APART, DURING THE:

1) The Bachelor Montana Wilderness Relay Race

- My favorite part of this date was when Hare announced “The Great Bachelor Montana Wilderness Relay Race!” (I don’t think he actually said “great,” but it should have been in there) He said it like he was a P.E. Teacher, announcing that it was “Free Play,” or Giant Parachute Day (come on – you LOVED to be that kid in the middle of the parachute…) But he said it like the girls, no less AMERICA should know what he was talking about, and should be REALLY stoked.

- Dez and Lez were ready to face some tough competition. Dez would drink goats’ milk for SEAN. Lez would drink goats’ milk for THE VICTORY. I’m pretty sure Dez gives me PTSD, as she reminds me of EVERY GIRL I NEVER LIKED IN SCHOOL, so I’m gonna pull for Lez on this one.

- Poor Sarah.

-   Ok YOU. KNOW. that Harrison snipped the twine on the blue team’s bale of hay. That was really all you could come up with, Hare? Why didn’t Sean just take his shirt off? That woulda caused ‘em to drop the hay bales REAL QUICK. This was probably why Sean invited the girls back to the party later – because he felt so terrible about Hare trying to rig the game.

- When Sean invited the blue team back to the party later that night, basically implying “Red Team, I didn’t want to be stuck with you four all night,” Dez’s indignation was so incendiary, that I was seriously waiting for her to yell, “MY GOATS’-MILK-CHUGGING WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT!” And when Dez got those “few seconds” with him, as she put it, she used all six of them to whine about... how said milk-chugging was all for naught… And then we spent the entirety of the next episode about how much she regretted those six seconds.

- Catherine is seven years old. I’m not upset about it, and I’m not upset that Sean says “she’s the girl I just wanna… Snuggle all the time.” And let’s ALSO have a slowclap for the way that the girl is playing her cards: she doesn’t need ANY affirmation from Sean. I’m convinced she’s not gonna stay around much longer, but she is a DElight.

- AshLee said the words “fairytale,” “soul connection” and “adore” in the same minute. Maaaaydayyy!
(If you didn’t immediately recognize that as Genie, in his “Bee Yourself,” getup in Aladdin, you may show yourself out) 

Questions I have:
- Is Selma wearing a turban right now, at the BMWRR?

- aShLeE claims that “nothing” can get in her the way of her having a great time with Sean on this date…
                 …But can the goats get in her way? Can they?

- Hare asserts that “one or more” of the women have to drink the goat milk… Do you get extra points if multiple girls drink it? Less points? SPECIFY, HARE.

- Why are Sean’s jeans so tight? Trust me, I’m not upset about it, but I am wondering why…

- Once the blue team arrives at the party (oh - apparently AsH thinks she's the sole reason they were all invited. That's rich.) aShLeE says she’s so excited to “share these incredible moments” with Sean…
                 ….WHAT incredible moments, aSh?

- Is Kat Dennings interviewing Sean, as Tiara comes up and covers his eyes? Cause it sure sounds like her voice… 
The girl from “House Bunny” and “Broke Girls”? Seriously. 

Memorable Quotes:
- Robyn to Sarah: “So do you wanna canoe?”
          Carolyn to Robyn: “Is that a joke?”

- “Dez, get the right nipple…” – Red Team

- When Daniella was on the screen, Carolyn said, “Oh look. It’s girl-who-I-always-forget-about-until-the-moment-she-comes-on-the-screen…”

- “I’m a real person and I have real feelings.” – Tiara


- I mean, at the end of the day, Tiara has actually said very few intentionally, personally mean things about other girls. (Think Courtney Robertson, people.) Sure, she says “girls are attacking me” and “everyone is mean” and DON’T get me started on the “fighter” comment. I just have no idea. But I find it noteworthy that the girls are going so far as to call Tiara “manipulative.” In order for one to be “manipulative,” one must be shrewd, clever, and cunning.
          …Tiara is none of those things, Ladies. Let’s give it up. 

- Perhaps I was really paying zero attention, but with the story of Tiara’s ex-bofyriend, it seemed like she was making the point that she keeps people at a distance, because she’s afraid of losing them. Sean somehow heard her say that she’s afraid of losing people so SHE’S A STAGE IV CLINGER, which he bafflingly finds endearing, and Grace was thinking that they could have easily met in the middle if she’d said something like, “I’m afraid of losing people. So often my actions are mistaken for those OF A CRAZY PERSON.”
           … But that’s just me.

- Two things about the Limo Ride of Rejection:
1) I will NEVER tire of the age-old line about how “I just totally put myself out there… and I don’t do that.” It’s like these girls have some kind of warped brand of entitlement, where, whether they actually have a connection or not, they think they deserve to stick around just because they flew coach, to meet Prince Lorenzo Borghese. (Or sold their car. Or used their standard-issued Cosmetologist Siren Red lipstick to plant one on Sean’s cheek, on the first night. Oh, did you perhaps forget that one was Jackie, at the premiere?)
2) Call me a sadist, but I will also never tire of surmising just HOW DEEPLY the ABC shrink must be digging the knife in, during the car ride. Really, the interview must include something like, “Did it hurt really, really badly to not be chosen? Did it rub salt into that age-old wound that you read about in Staci and John Eldridge’s “Captivating”? Do you feel like someone just ripped your gut out?” Because the kind of pain that these girls are suddenly in, after not receiving a darn rose is un. real. (And for heaven’s sake – someone send that line to Sean Lowe and dare him to NOT realize I’m his dream woman, WITH A JOHN ELDRIDGE REFERENCE.)

Questions I Have:
- Did Sean REALLY NOT BOTHER ASKING Tiara about the dude she was supposedly flirting with at the airport? Or was it just so boring (circa Emily Maynard confronting Arie about being previously engaged to that producer, Cassie, THAT NEVER SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY airtime) that we never saw any of it?

Memorable Quotes:
Tiara: I’m scared.
Sean: Why are you scared?
Tiara: I get scared because I have the biggest heart…”
Sean: Care to elaborate?

3) Cocktail Party: 

- Lez is dressed to kill tonight. I don’t know what “dressed to kill” really even means, but my Best Friend Lesley is, tonight.

- Well Sean certainly didn’t waste any time in cutting to the chase with Dez, in asking if Tiara is the bee in her bonnet. My cold sweats, fevers and nightmares set in, as Dez once again brought up memories of EVERY. GIRL. I’VE NEVER. LIKED. in my life, while she vaguely skirted around offering any semblance of an answer to Sean’s questions.

- Tiara accused Robyn of talking about “Pity sh*t.” (I mean, I’m assuming that’s the only profanity it could have been, right?) As anyone might guess, one’s insertion of the incorrect word (often a homophone) into a sentence is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. Tiara was looking for the word “petty.”

- Let us also note Tiara’s glottal stop on “THRET-ENED,” ‘cause it was EPIC.

- Watching Sean and MyBestFriendLesley talk out the Tierrorist, I am juggling my pom poms as I do back handsprings, while I cheer these two on, as captain of the Team Lesley Cheer Squad. I do find it interesting that Sean spoke so passionately about seeking answers about Tiara (obviously Dez was useless in this quest, sure, BUT WHAT ABOUT JACKIE? HELLO?)


Questions I have:
- Why the dead animals… EVERYWHERE?

- Did Selma stuff Dez’s dress? It certainly seems like Dez taking a play straight out of Selma’s book, tonight.

Memorable Quotes:
- Dez on Tiara: “She wants to be a victim so she can convince herself that others are jealous.” I need to further reflect upon this. Either the insight about making herself the victim in order to feel envied is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard, or the assumption that victims are even concerned with jealousy is the most daft declaration I’ve ever heard. Stay tuned.

(No but seriously: stay tuned. Hare and Co (Mike Fleiss) bought two more hours of air time for the VERY. NEXT. NIGHT.)