Thursday, February 7, 2013

Fifty Shades of Cray

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)

        I would like the record to show that last week, a one Ethan Kasnett remarked on my commentary, and the text conversation went something like this:
Ethan: I love it, but your blog is like, livejournal or xanga or something. Soooo 2000’s. You should use blogspot.
Grace: ……….I DO use blogspot.

Ahem, MOVING ON:

        It seems worth mentioning that there has been ZERO explanation for the back to back episodes – at least on Emily’s season, it was the Men Tell All on Sunday night before the finale aired on Monday, but… two days of the Pacific Northwest? Oh well.

        In whatever random hotel they’re staying, aShLeE comments that “The girls are trying to subside the tension.” I briefly addressed this yesterday, so I’ll save the ranting and suffice it to say: the word she was looking for was: dispel the tension. “Subside” is intransitive, “dispel” is transitive. I JUST WANT CLEARLY EXPRESSED IDEAS.

        Daniella… Sweetheart… SEAN DOESN’T PLAN THE DATES. HE WILL NOT “HAVE A DATE PLANNED” FOR YOU TWO.

        I think yesterday I commented that Catherine was actually 7 years old. I need “sprite” to be added to that description…

1) CAT’S ONE-ON-ONE:

Observations:
- Apparently if the producers made her stand in the random blizzard for long enough, she’d be jumping for joy at the first sign of “rescue.” Said rescue is… “Sean’s Giant Snow Bus." Literally.

- Ok there HAD to be some jokes about the onesie that the Rookie ABC Editor left out.

- She literally has the voice of a Disney princess.

- Back at the hotel, Daniella finds out she’s on a group date, not the one-on-one. She’s handling it well. Dez, on the other hand, needs a one-way ticket for a Snow Bus ride. And NOT “Sean’s Giant Snow Bus.”

- I just wanna recap, here. Or “rehash the past,” as Tiara would say:
So… when Cat was 12, a tree fatally fell on her friend… and at that point, she knew she wanted a partner for life.

- Cat, I won’t lie: as “intelligent” as Sean says you are, I’m a little skeptical about your understanding of the social constructions of set up and pay off, because the payoff of that tree story was not proportional to the set up…

- I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE HOW TIARA ATTEMPTS TO GIVE HERSELF HYPOTHERMIA.


Questions I have:
- How long did they make her stand in that blizzard in the middle of nowhere? Oh. Oh, I get it: it was so she could feel “rescued.”

- How much longer are they going to keep them out in the snow? This weather is undoubtedly “blustery.” I haven’t even thought about that word since Winnie the Pooh said it, blowing around the Hundred Acre Woods, but that’s what’s happening to these two right now…

Memorable Quotes: 
- “Catherine has melted my heart.” I was expecting Sean to follow this line with a sensible “Yuk yuk.”

2) GROUP DATE, AKA: TIARA GIVES HERSELF HYPOTHERMIA.

Observations:
- LOOK AT MyBestFriendLesley, THE POLITICIAN, TAKING INITIATIVE AND GETTING IN THAT CANOE WITH SEAN. She also spoke very candidly about being perfectly willing to get hypothermia for Sean, and didn’t seem to be that fazed by it, UNLIKE OTHERS. Kuddos Lez, kuddos.

- aShLeE is basically crying, about the Polar Bear Plunge. She is literally seventy years old. Ohhh she just remarked that she is, in fact, putting herself in an “emotionally vulnerable place” with the plunge. Make that: 70 and NUTS.

- Lindsay, I don’t really believe that you’re “an outdoor person;” I just don’t.

- I need a slowclap for the way that Daniella is clutching her torso in her bikini, to hide it from the camera right now. Oh Dani. I been there, girlfraaind. One of these contestants needs to make the toga acceptable for moments like this.

- Ashlee, this isn’t Family Week, it’s The Bachelor. Please don’t talk about breakthroughs.

- TIARA IS STUMBLING AROUND IN THE CORNER. REFUSING TO WEAR A TOWEL. THIS IS GREAT.

- Sean visits Tiara, with her debatably fake oxygen mask. OH YOU CAN CRAWL IN BED WITH MY HYPOTHERMIC SELF ANYTIME, SEANNIE.

- Later in the evening, Sarah is showing Sean pictures, ready to take him home to her family. Ooh no.

- Tiara, Sweetie, unless that’s Bath and Body Works body splash, we don’t need to be using that many sprays of perfume, before you go crash that party.


Questions I have:
- Anyone remember how much aShLeE “ doesn't like activities,” as we hear about the Polar Bear Plunge?

- Anyone else notice that Selma’s hair is significantly darker?

- I wonder if Tiara would have played the hypothermia card if the lifeguards hadn’t warned her. I wonder if she’d ever heard the word “hypothermia” before. I'm also pretty sure this is as exaggerated a claim as heat exhaustion and dehydration, on the Grand Canyon Hike. Halfway down the Canyon last year, my Dad and I realized: the copious severe warning signs everywhere ARE FOR THE MORONS WHO DON'T DRINK WATER, EVER. Just like hypothermia risks are for GIRLS WHO PURPOSELY WONDER OFF INTO THE CORNER WITHOUT A TOWEL.


Memorable Quotes:

- Sean, to MyBestFriendLesley about the canoe: “Let me be a man.” OH YOU CAN BE A MAN ALL DAY LONG, SEAN.

- “I am from Baghdad. We don’t do this.”

- “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity? No it isn't  I could come back here and do this tomorrow.” Well said, Selma.

- Medic (or perhaps local) Do you know what day it is?
Tiara: Nuh uh.

- Tiara: They had me in a wheelchair, and I thought: this guy better marry me. I’m kidding.
Sean: No you’re not.
Tiara: You’re right. I’m not.

- MyBestFriendLesley: “Tiara is dyyyyying of... frostbite.”

- “Tierrorist.” GOODNIGHT, LOS ANGELES.

- Speaking of whom, she asserts: “At the end of the day, Sean’s gonna give out the rose to someone he feels chemistry with…” CUE THE DISPLAY OF SEAN’S TONGUE, down Lindsay's throat.


3) AWKWARD INTERLUDE WHERE SEAN SENDS SARAH HOME:
If he’s gonna send Sarah home because he doesn't wanna put her through a rose ceremony, why is he putting her through the niceties of explaining the downward slide of their relationship?!

HOLD IT TOGETHER, SARAH.

Is there a reason we’re following them down the hall right now?

Oh Sarah. We knew that you knew what he was gonna say.

A hotel napkin!? Is that the best the ABC shrink can do right now, for her tears?

Oh wow. She literally just rattled off a paragraph of lines that she gets from guys.

And finally, concerning the preview that is prefaced by Hare’s “Coming Up!” I would like to say: Selma, your chest coming out of that shirt on national television will shame your family, not whatever that weird lip-clasp thing was, or whatever you wanna call it, when you tried to kiss Sean…

4) DEZ AND SEAN’S ONE ON ONE

Observations
- Hi, Dez? Newsflash: “steep” implies difficulty if you’re going uphill. All you have to do is slide down. Stop whining about repelling.

- SEAN, YOU DID NOT SET UP THE PICNIC. THAT’S LIKE CLAIMING THAT YOU’RE SANTA CLAUS AND CAN HIT EVERY HOUSE IN ONE NIGHT.

- Lemme tell you about an activity in which I would NEVER challenge a guy: tree climbing.

- I’m extremely un-upset about how Dez is talking about living in a tent. She’s saying it in a “didn’t everybody live in a tent?” kind of way, but not in a way that makes Sean feel like an imbecile for growing up in a house, nor in a way that is pretending to be normal, while actually passively begging Sean to ask questions.

- So many dream catchers happening right now. So much ash in Dez’s hair.

Questions I have:
- Sean says it takes “faith and hope” to repel down a mountain.
…Not “love,” Seannie? No Bible jokez?

- “Come up here, my little cub.” Ok Sean. That was funny.

- “I opened up about spending some of my life living in a tent, and here I am: falling in love in a teepee.” SIT DOWN, DEZ.


5) COCKTAIL PARTY:

Observations:
- Selma just made “wife” a verb. I’m ok with it.

- aShLeE, Sweetheart, we've been over this. It's The Bachelor, not Family Week. You are not in therapy right now. You can’t just-- no no. Oh no. NOT THE BLINDFOLDDDDDD.

- Perhaps this was some late night misadventure of the Rookie ABC Editor, but I just heard aShLeE say something to the effect of “I have all this need for control because I was abandoned and I’ve never really dealt with it before…” RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

- Obviously there’s NO. WAY. aShLeE “hasn’t dealt” with any of it, because she has this dang blindfold, that she probably got from her therapist at family week. (Note: the ABC Shrink is DEFINITELY not certified to conduct Family Week.)

- SEAN’S TONGUE. THERE IT IS AGAIN.

- This is the second time aShLeE's said “I adore you” in a week. Oh she just said “my life has changed.” This isn't going to end well. And in case anyone was wondering: yes, AshLee has been married before. She was 19 and it was for a year and a half. Wonder if THAT bit of information is gonna come up??


Memorable Quotes:
- About her little Fifty Shades activity, aSh says: “It’s jumping in with Sean, and you know, hopefully getting out with him” …as opposed to getting out with someone ELSE?

- “Leave it up to me to have something up my sleeve.” I resent you for this remark, AsH

- “I came here to fall in love. And I’m leaving here with a memory.” That’s pretty poetic, Alice Cullen.

- Daniella said that she was “keeping a straight face, but it hurts.” Daniella, honey, everyone knows you’re not gonna keep that straight face, in the clutches of the ABC shrink right now.

Questions I have:
- …Isn’t it just cheating if Sean carries aShLeE on this blindfolded jaunt?

- Did Selma whisper, “I take my kiss back” before she walked out? Cause she should have.

- Are we not gonna see Daniella say goodbye to him?



As they raise their champagne glasses, Sean tells the women: “You six were the six for me.” Is ABC hinting at its own version of Sister Wives, here?

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