Tuesday, February 26, 2013

11x11 = 141

        This post is dedicated to a one Eric Aboozer. And by that, I obviously mean, “Erica Boozer.” It’s almost as fun to say her name that way as it is to say my name “Gray Stouglas.” And due to how quickly I say my name sometimes, certain people (one in particular, who will remain anonymous) are prone to think that’s my name.

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)
     
   While she was watching on the east coast, my dear friend Katie was remarking on HOW. CRAZY. aShLeE is, “I mean, you know her therapist is shaking her head right now, because AsH is PSYCHO. WHY DOES SHE KEEP TALKING ABOUT THEIR MARRIAGE?!” I replied, “Her shrink isn’t shaking her head right now, she’s probably shopping online because she knows she’s gonna make a killing when AsH gets back and needs SIX. SESSIONS. A. DAY, to mend her broken heart…” I also realized soon after that: it’s not that AsH is crazy. It’s that she’s had SO much therapy and is, in fact, so UN-crazy, that she’s leaps and bounds ahead of the other girls, when it comes to articulating her emotions. Middle America is used to a giddy Lindsay saying that she “gets tongue tied, every time I try to tell Sean I love him,” that AsH turning the whole Polar Bear plunge into a Family Week ropes course exercise is "crazy" to us. Girl is not off her rocker. She’s just rocking so intensely that… she’s gonna get sent home.

        And her cold exit? Let’s get one thing straight right now: that’s the equivalent of any other contestant getting into the fetal position and rocking back and forth and crying about rejection. She reverted back to a deeply ingrained defense mechanism, that she LEARNED WHEN SHE WAS FOUR, as we all know, of putting up walls and shutting people out. Most children learn early on to recoil and self-soothe and protect themselves. aShLeE learned early on to throw up the big D (…defense, hello?) and be an icy brick wall. Which means that if she hadn’t been so taken aback by the rejection, she would have cried her eyes out, in a breakdown for which sadistic Bachelor Nation was waiting. But due to her shock, she immediately reverted to the only thing she knew: ICY BRICKS AND DAGGER EYES.

I didn’t mean to turn this into a psychology thesis, but there it is.

MOVING ON:

1) Fantasy Suite: Lindsay 
Observations:
- Sean says that “traveling is a test” and thinks this time with Lindsay is going to be very telling of their relationship. Hey Seannie? Just a heads up: you might wanna try the kind of “traveling” your Dad did, to set a world record and spend SEVENTY TWO HOURS IN THE CAR with a girl. That will tell you about compatibility…
- SEAN, LINDSAY DOESN’T WANT TO EAT BUGS; LEAVE HER ALONE.

Questions I have: 
- How many times did it take Sean to say the name of the resort and city where they are, that smoothly?
- Ok who says the girls have to say “I love you”? Is it just me, or is Sean digging around for that proclamation like it’s some kind of notch in his belt? It’s getting old…

Memorable Quotes: 
- “Worrisome” is the word Sean chose to use, about this week of dates. About the intimate, alone-time-with-no-cameras dates. Worrisome.
- “To know that someone I like so much is… in love with me is… humbling.” I put certain words in bold that should be noted as having HUGE CONTRAST.
- “I thought Lindsay could be crazy. And not a good kind of crazy.”
- “If we end up together, this is what a normal vacation would be like.” Oh, would it, Lindsay? Have you cleared that with Seannie? That your “normal” vacations will be to Thailand?
- “This is not supposed to be pink…” What a Christian way to put it. Sean’s subtext, here: JESUS DIDN’T MAKE THE BIRD PINK. THIS IS WRONG.
- Ok so Lindsay can say “I’m so excited for our life to start,” but she can’t say “I love you”? Because all she has to say is “I know you might dump me tomorrow, but you should know that I love you.” But to talk about their future life together? THAT is no-holds-barred vulnerability, people. Which only reiterates the point that Lindsay has the maturity of a seven year old.
-  Lindsay: I love you
    Sean: I love hearing you say that.
   Grace: Good one, Sean.

2) Fantasy Suite: aShLeE 

Observations:
- I mean, we get it, Sean. You’re looking for a woman to fulfill Ephesians 5:22. You want her to submit. You want her to hold onto you like you’re a darn life preserver, as you excavate a dark cave. Your inability to be straight-forward and articulate this Messianic need to be needed, in addition to these bug-eating, cave-excavating “tests,” make me “trust” you less and less.
- I have no idea what just happened in the exchange between AsH and SeAn about the Fantasy Suite. I’m pretty sure she was trying to say, “I’m not gonna have sex with you and I don’t want you to think that (unless you DIDN’T have sex with the other two, then I might consider it) also my shrink told me I should use the word 'boundary.' But we’re not having sex.”
        …Instead there were a lot of vague references and suddenly all three girls seemed to turn into Catherine’s sister, when it comes to talking about the Fantasy Suite, with their ability to not actually say anything specific, just make oblique inferences…
- OH SHE’S TELLING HIM ABOUT HER RING SIZE. I’m done.

Questions I have: 
- Am I missing something? WHAT has Sean done to gain Ashlee’s trust, in this sea-cave business?! He doesn’t know what he’s doing – what is supposed to make him a good candidate for Leader, here?

Memorable Quotes: 
- “I’m more vulnerable than I’ve ever been in my life…” …IN AN UNDERWATER CAVE, SURROUNDED BY A PRODUCTION TEAM?! THAT’S THE MOST VULNERABLE YOU’VE BEEN?
- “My commitment is to Sean and my commitment is to change my way of thinking.” AsH’s shrink gave herself a HUGE pat on the back for this one.
- “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety, every time.” This, THIS is why I say Sean has a Messiah complex. Because Seannie, you CAN’T get AsH to safety, every time, Honey.

Ok, I kind of hate myself a little, for standing on my feminist soap box right now, but the Allison Norris within me will NOT be silenced. If you have any desire to read further about why I have such a beef with Sean’s Messiah complex, read the following article: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704409004576146321725889448.html

(See what I did there with “beef”? Yuk yuk yuk) But seriously: Sean acts like the girls are the outlier, for not being uber quick to put their trust and faith in him. I would argue that SEAN is the outlier: I’m sorry, men of America, but maybe if you stepped up your game, women wouldn’t have such a hard time letting go of this panicked sense of independence that we’ve had to develop.
   



Ok. My feminist rant is over.

- “This man has literally healed my broken heart.” I think we’re done here.

3) Fantasy Suite: Catherine

Observations:
- I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR TONGUE AGAIN, SEAN.
- So glad they’re making the Fantasy Suite about “time together.”
- There are many reasons why I’d be a terrible contestant on this show. I find that I am rarely tempted to apply for such. But last night marked a rare time where I found myself tempted to apply, JUST to get to Fantasy Date Week, so upon being handed the card from Hare, I could say to the Bachelor, “I will absolutely go to the Fantasy Suite with you… IF you can recite the contents of this letter, by heart. BECAUSE I CERTAINLY CAN.”
- I have no idea why Hare came on and started talking about-
           Oh. It’s a promo for that Wizard of Oz thing.
- I’m waiting for one of these women to be asked, “Where do you see us in 5 years?” and reply “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!”

Questions I have:
- Why can’t Sean move to where one of these women live? Why do they all have to be ready to move to HIS home?
...Sorry. I’ll shut Feminist Grace back in the closet.

Memorable Quotes:
- “I’m pretty traditional, in terms of relationships…” Cat, you’re turning into your sister here, LOOK OUT. What she means to say is: “I know I come off as a hipster, which indicates that I’d be all about casual sex, but I’m not gonna hop in the sack with just anybody…” Instead, we get Vague Bachelor Contestant, who totally skirts around what she really means, here…
- “I’m attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the Fantasy Suite…” I don’t even know what to say about this, Seannie, except for: YIKES BIKES.
- “When we’re together, I feel like he’s mine and I am his.” Ohhhh you know King Solomon Sean LOVED hearing that line, when he was watching last night.

4) Rainy Rose Ceremony:

- Sean’s eyes are contesting Hare’s, for brilliance right now.
- If I had to leave Sean a video message, I would sing Hunter Hayes’ “Somebody’s Heartbreak.” The end.
- Is Sean wearing lipstick, as he watches these video messages? ALSO, can I get a slow clap for Arie’s video message, this time last season? Or rather, the outtakes of his video message? Cause they were epic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKEOJ4Qyiio
- Ash looks SMOKIN’ for the Rose Ceremony. Have fun breaking her heart, Seannie.
- OH NO SHE’S GONNA CRY, MID-VID-MESSAGE. “I believe that together, we are whole.” SOMEONE STOP THIS. AsH, Honey, only Jesus can make you whole. Sean can’t do it.
- THEY’RE ALREADY PLAYING THE DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EXIT/LIMO RIDE OF REJECTION GUITAR CHORDS AS SEAN FINISHES ASH’S VIDEO; WHAT IS THIS? WE’RE NOT EVEN TO THE LEXUS RIDE OF SHAME YET! (Anyone else notice it was a Lexus? Good one, Thailand.)
- I will close with a classic delivery of Cat’s: “She… She didn’t say goodbye to us.”


And just like the show closes with bloopers each week, I will close with some classic verbal faux pas from the women:

- Lindsay: “I do take this serious.”
Grace: YOU ARE A TEACHER, LINDZ. LEARN TO USE ADVERBS.

- aSh: “It’s pitch dark.”
Grace: IT’S PITCH BLACK, AsH.

- AsH: “That doesn’t set well with me.”
Grace: SIT WELL. That doesn’t “sit well,” aShLeE.

- Cat: “I feel great. My head is in the clouds.”
Grace: Oh Catty Whack. You possess the strongest ability to be generally articulate, among the women, so I’ll forgive you. But this is the second time you’ve incorrectly spoken about “your head” and “clouds.” A head in the clouds indicates that someone is not thinking through their actions. You meant to say “I’m walking on air.” But aShLeE left without saying goodbye: it’s been a tough week for you. You're forgiven.

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