Saturday, July 25, 2015

Addendum to the Bucket List of G. Douglas

But truly... Bucket list item #37: Attend a taping of the Men Tell All.

I'm going to do it. I don't care if I'm 85 years old, but I will BE in the audience of one of these tapings (It's not for lack of trying, on my part, or on the part of any member of the Living Room Peanut Gallery) LRPG Carolyn and I were practicing our facial expressions so that when we go, we'll be GOLD for the editors to use. So in the meantime, if you need anyone to demonstrate things like "aghast," "contemptuous," or "straight up SCANDALIZED," call me. 

Moving on....

I don't even feel like dignifying this franchise by using too much of my time to compose paragraphs, so Im'ma stick to bullet points this time:

- Harrison insists that Kaitlyn is the most serious Bachelorette we’ve ever had.

Look at her life. Look at her choices. WHAT.

- It looks like a BIG CHUNK of Bachelor in Paradise is Kardashley crying. I’m not upset at ALL.

- Becca Tilley and Kentucky Joe with this "Bleachable Moments schtick...

Of our TV screens. And each other's lives, please. 

- Tanner memorized an entire monologue to rail against Ian, and his delivery was maaaaaybe a 7 out of 10.

- And now Kupah has Ian’s BACK as he sheds his coat to stand up to apologize. Or… to get on one knee and repent. Ian clearly called a PR firm, who coached him on how to specifically execute the kneeling apology. I didn't hate his apology. Honestly, I never hated him, (you know I'm a sucker for the Ivy Leaguers...) and this apology WAS certainly off the beaten path of the typical MTA schtick...

- Clint sat around for at LEAST three weeks to coin the term “DepressionMobile” and I’m gonna give it a 4 out of 10. But I WILL give him mega props for his use of “exclusionary.”


- I love how Kupah totally shifted the conversation away from JJ and Clint and started talking about Nick. And then Clint SLAYED everyone with his reply.

- Corey needs to CLOSE HIS MOUTH. Obviously there's always one at these things that runs their mouth way more than the airtime they received (so this is actually socially awkward of Corey. America hasn't had time to get to know him, so we just think he's rude and weird...)

- Why are they putting Ben Z in the hot seat? To find out if he’s cried since being on the show? (Update: Yes. That's exactly why.)

Carolyn: imagine not crying for eleven years…
Grace: He’s obviously never seen The Notebook.

- Let me be clear: the fitted- I’ll go a step further and say SKINNY pants on men… NEED TO GO. I am so tired of them. But there IS an upside: we can see some SERIOUS sock action, because the pants hike up so high when gentlemen sit down in them.  Per usual, JJ’s sock game is KILLING it. Another dude is apparently not wearing socks – my money’s on Kentucky Joe.

- Jared lying down on the hot seat couch. Appropriate. Love Man was ABOMINABLE.

- Why is Harrison acting like it’s unusual that Kaitlyn would be taking the stage tonight? As though the lead has NEVER done that at a Tell All?

- Thank GOODNESS Jared shaved that “spotty beard." Carolyn and I still agreed with Johnny's initial assessment that he looks more like Rat Man than Love Man...

OK BUT SERIOUSLY WHOM IS SHE GOING TO PICK?!?! I can't even pretend to decide. I can't imagine her NOT choosing Nick, but then I just wonder if that's because the wily editors are just leading us on? She had two very distinct reactions when each man told her that he loved her - what can be made of that? Which is more telling: her lack of response (she had NOTHING to say to Shawn) or her "Promise?" that she said to Nick right after he told her... Honorary LRPG member Amanda VERY insightfully pointed out that during the MTA, Kaitlyn clenched her jaw every time somebody said Nick's name, but not so with Shawn. Does that mean she resents them for blasting the man to whom she is now engaged? Or does that mean that she resents Nick for what we can ONLY imagine will be a less-than-graceful exit, once she rejects him? THE AFTER THE FINAL ROSE IS GOING TO BE SO GOOOOOOOD. 

Finally, if Kaitlyn DOES end up with Shawn, LRPG member Johnny would like everyone to know that it would officially make Nick the New York of The Bachelorette

I'm JUST saying... (He's just saying)

Tuesday, July 14, 2015


….so there was no point to the confrontation between Nick and Shawn. Great.

Overnight Date: Ben

There aren't many to be had, but one of the downfalls of living on the west coast is that Bachelornation Social Media is updated on East Coast time... So Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Carolyn had already seen Ben H's post about leaving the show... And I'm SURE he's crying into some dollar bills from the deal he just signed to be the next Bachelor...

Circa THIS...

But in the episode, Kaitlyn is moving right along to her overnight with Ben. (Apparently we are NEVER going to learn why these episodes aired in the odd format in which they did...)

Obviously Kaitlyn cares NOTHING for Ben because her outfit right now is everything my frunp-tastic dreams are made of.

BEN in a sweater, on the other hand…

I'll drink to that.

Props to my donkey friend that started eating straight out of the bucket and following Ben. That guy is my spirit animal. Did they play hide and seek on this date, or the last one? These Irish castles aren't the best spot for dates, if I'm honest about it... At this point LRPG member Tina and I were so bored that we got into an animated conversation about the stakes of Amazon Prime Day... I HAVE SO MANY THINGS IN THE CART RIGHT NOW MOM, YOU DO NOT EVEN REALIZE. 


We see Ben sit on a pretty picnic blanket and say some really sweet things to Kaitlyn that he may or may not have pulled out of a Nicholas Sparks novel from the hotel lobby. But no matter.

Then the poor guy must have soiled his sweater at some point, because he showed up to the castle that night wearing the sweater that Kaitlyn had on earlier that day, but again: NO MATTER.

Ben: Best sleepover ever!
Tina: And I just had one last night! Have you met my friend Nick?
Bryan: And I’m gonna have a sleepover tomorrow with my friend Shawn! Oh and look at this cool Granny Bed we get to sleep on tonight! This is SWEET!

Loving that Ben H. is walking out with a backpack, the next morning. It's the morning after and the man has a backpack. THERE IS NO SHAME IN THE BACKPACK, PEOPLE. (Unless you spent your childhood touching them, circa JJ. Ugh can't WAIT for the MTA)

Overnight Date: Shawn

Well I sure don’t hate this golf outfit. And I certainly don’t hate Shawn wearing it right now. Not one bit. 

Kaitlyn sets the wager for the golf game: “If I win, I get whatever I ask for. And if you win, I get whatever I ask for.”

I like Kaitlyn’s rules.

Shawn and Kaitlyn tried to pretend to play a game of Truth or Dare, but somehow it just turned into Shawn streaking across the green, chasing after Kaitlyn and his clothes...

...he doesn't look unfortunate without clothing. 
Later that night:
Kaitlyn: I have some reservations about Shawn and I know I need to talk to him about it because I need to know.
Grace: ...and I know it makes good TV.

Ok whatever about this Eskimo Buddies, here’s the real question: does the Eskimo story have ANY shred of clout, or is it completely made up? Is there any truth to it, or did Nick completely make it up? THAT'S the crux, people. 

Aaaaand we got another shot of silence between Shawn and "the other guy," post rose ceremony, just like we had with Claire and Nikki.

Ben H, that was a WONDERFULLY graceful exit, and you will live on in our hearts forever.
(And by "hearts," I mean "televisions.")

Hometown Family Dates

I feel like watching Nick’s family is so terribly similar to watching the Bluth Family. Not to mention that LRPG member Carolyn is REALLY weirded out that every member of this family looks exactly like Nick. And you KNOW those producers have already begun priming little Bella for when she's old enough to be on this show...

Not sure why they shot the fantasy suite date and hometown date out of order. (Maybe Kaitlyn couldn't stand to meet more than two families?) But regardless, we quickly moved on to Shawn's family. Just a few thoughts:

- Serious POINTS to Shawn’s older sister Jessie, cause if she’s the older sister… well, the other sisters aren't aging as well…

- Bottom line: I see Kaitlyn with Shawn’s family more than I see her with Nick’s family. (It seems like you can't be in Nick's family unless you look like him...) 

- Question: How is Shawn’s accent so thick? I'm baffled. 

- Quick sidenote: The lights are SO intense on these family jaunts. The intern is letting me DOWN right now.

- Shawn’s dad is asking SO many serious questions and not taking ANY crap and I am LOVING it.

Waaaaait wait that was all a ruse. He just fronted like he was a serious dude, Shawn gave him ZERO real answers and the dad suddenly shrugged it off with a "Well, if you love her, son..." 


Ok y'all. This is such a toss up. Seriously we can’t decide how this is going to end. They’ve both said I love you. She cried after one declaration but not the other, she loved meeting both the families... THIS IS SUCH A TOSS UP. I don't think we've ever ACTUALLY confronted the reality of someone ACTUALLY being in love with two people. (Like Chris Harrison always claims that they ACTUALLY are).

And I certainly don't think America has ever actually been rooting for a contestant to find love like we're ALL TOTALLY ROOTING FOR BEN H TO FIND LOVE, NEXT TIME AROUND.

(I also don't think I've had as many close friends submit for the show at one time)


Monday, July 6, 2015

Kilarney Me Softly...

...sorry. I don't even know where that title came from, but I won't fight it.... 

Listen guys, you know my thing is honesty. Like, I want you to be brutally honest with me and I'm going to be brutally honest with you. Let's just bathe in our brutal honesty together. For the rest of our lives. 

But actually, real talk: this week is a crazy week. I don't have time to edit my notes down into the realm of razor sharp wit and sass, where they usually reside. I'm not here to make friends, and I'm not here to waste your time: I'm here for the right reasons. I'm not going to take you for a ride in your aqua Bentley rental car and then lie to the other guys about it. So without further ado, here are very few, very truncated thoughts:

- The producers are GRASPING AT STRAWS for Ben H. They made him suggest playing Hide and Seek. They made him tell Kaitlyn he thought he was unlovable. They made us spend fourteen seconds thinking he was a virgin. If he isn’t next Bachelor material, I don’t know what is.

- Joe… We all knew Joe was headed out sometime. We all thought it would be sooner, but he lasted an oddly long time. Of COURSE he shut Kaitlyn out as soon as she sent him home. His freezer reaction was even more severe than AshLee’s, when she left Sean. Obviously he wasn't going to get very far physically. so he tried to go to third base verbally
Can’t WAIT for Joe at the MTA.

- Shawn is wearing makeup. He also refuses to call Nick by name.

- Quick note: Nick is EIGHT YEARS older than Jared and Ben.   

- Buh bye, Jared. This is an EXCEEDINGLY graceful exit. 

- Where are they for the fantasy dates? Colt? Dart? It escapes me. Loved the dress Kaitlyn was wearing when she "pranked" Nick with that Fantasy Suite, yuk yuk yuk... 


(And if you didn't get the "Aqua Bentley" reference, you may see yourself out...)