Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Wayne, New Jersey: Where the Mall is Open on Sundays...

Allow me to take a brief moment to stand on my soapbox and say something personal:

I LOVE it when people nag me about when the commentary will be posted.

For every ounce of sarcasm that pours out of my mouth, that is meant with COMPLETE sincerity. I don't play guitar but if I did, I'd probably be a youtube star right now (I wouldn't be) and I would say things like, "This is for the fans. You guys make it all worth it. All the blood sweat and tears, it's all worth it because of you guys..." 

Fortunately I can report that there are no "blood or tears" that go into this post, and "sweat" only because I happen to naturally perspire more than the average person, but knowing that people are even vaguely entertained by my writing just.... *sniff* you guys are great, ok?!

MOVING ON

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)



Can we talk about Hare's ominous opening words? “Hopefully I’ll see everyone at the next rose ceremony...” 

Hare obviously knows this season is full of crazies. He high-fived (former) Bachelor Intern Jacob (someone has to oversee the interns on set) as he walked out, because they placed six Ben Franklins against the naive interns that at least one girl would see themself out before this week's rose ceremony...

Here's what happened: There were two group dates and a one-on-one. Jade was chosen for the one-on-one by Chris's sisters, and ABC was forced to peddle the parent company's "Cinderella" and blah blah Jade got really dressed up, yada yada... Crossfit-Champion-who-parades-as-a-"News Producer" Jillian got sent home from the second group date, after failing to impress Chris in her one on one time. 

Group Date: "Let's Be Natural" 
(or some other terrible nature pun) 

SPOTIFY-CARE


Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley I, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, BabyMak and Kelsey

The producers LOVE getting footage of the girls speculating about what the date card could possibly mean (to later laugh and high five each other about how off-base the girls were) and we hear a slew of jabs about the girls who wear too much make-up. Baby Mak and Kelsey (the widow-guidance-counselor who NO ONE knew about until this week) seemed to be perpetuating most of it, although Jillian tried to pitch herself as an au naturale type... May I just take a brief moment to remark that women (girls) like Jillian are why I don't wear a lot of make-up? The difference between Jillian with make-up and Jillian without make-up is simply TERRIFYING.



On the drive up to the lake, we learn that to Ashley I, there is nothing sexier than a man driving a car…

...Is it just me, or does that speak of her inexperience more clearly and plainly than any late-night tent conversations?

The Living Room Peanut Gallery hopped on the Kelsey Train on this date like we were getting paid for it. Let's Raise 'Em Up for some memorable Kelsey quotes at the lake:

- On skinny-dipping: “For me… it’s not exactly appropriate the start undressing in front of a guy… If you have dignity and self-respect, you want to call it quits…” 

- On miserable dates: “I wanna be where I wanna be and I don’t wanna be HERE.” 

- On lakes: "I'm from Michigan and... this is NOT a lake."
Johnny: She's obviously from Lake Superior...


Ohhhh and coming in strong with the memorable quotes this week was Ashley I: “So yeah... I guess you could say I'm a camping virgin and a virgin camping."


Get OUT of here!

Let me be clear: There are three types of girls (and RIGHT REASONS, if you will) in Bachelornation:

1) Girls who are there for the Bachelor

2) Girls who are there for the ratings

3) Girls who don’t know why they’re there, but become SO fiercely competitive in the process that they forego all common sense to keep their eye on the prize (See: Jillian.) We see plenty of interview footage of these girls, but hardly any one-on-one time. Ashley I. is in this third category. As soon as that rose came out of the cooler, her eyes flew out of her skull and she started foaming at the mouth. (And yes, as rough as they tried to make this date look, there was PLENTY of frozen, freshly-packed meat for them the interns to cook #glamping)


Straight up: I'm very undecided about Kaitlyn. It must be the Southern-Living-reading, Fruit-Tea-Drinking, Pearl-wearing belle deep down inside of me (oh let's face it: she's hidden from no one) that found Kaitlyn's opening line to Prince Farming to be a hard one from which to recover... 

So unfortunately, I might end up saying something like this to her face: 



HOWEVER. She doesn't seem to get really sloppy (which is a real rarity this season) she gets along with other girls, she has funny commentary, and she truly seems to get along with Chris... 

That being said, I will give her points for her conversation about "The Five Love Languages." 

But then she loses points when she goes on and on about how "fake" Kelsey is being... Kelsey Train or no, LRPG agreed that Kelsey isn't being fake so much as she's... playing the game well. And I don't even mean Bachelor Game, I mean  Be Attractive Game. Of COURSE she whines and carries on about Lake Superior but is all smiles when Chris comes around the corner - she knows that Lake Superior Kelsey isn't going to score too many points with Prince Farming, so she puts on a better version of herself around him. I don't think this is unreasonable.

We didn't see too much of the conundrum that is Ashley S (remember when I once referred to Ashely I as "un-Crazy Ashely?")


But we did get some bits and pieces of her one-on-one time with Farming and I will leave you all with this verbal gem that she handed us: "I hope that resonates within your mind tonight... I like, love you... You don’t have to say anything in regards to that...." 

I'll let this do the talking...



Aaaaaaand then we have Ashley I's one on one time. She had a great opener:

Ashley: “I feel like I’m in middle school and I have a unibrow and lunchbox in my hand”
Johnny: Perfect seduction. Talk about unibrows. Keep going.

LRPG Carolyn and Johnny have money on Ashely I going in the tent. My money is still on Kaitlyn.

.....Carolyn and Johnny high-fived each other as we heard the closing line of the night:

Ashley I: “I’m not a hook up girl,”
Grace: …she says, as she makes out with Chris in a tent.



One on One Date: Jade
(as told by The Three Sisters) 

Thoughts about the Sister Interviews:
(I have chosen NOT to edit this stream of consciousness, for entertainment purposes) 

- I’ll give Bible Study Whitney points for acknowledging that Chris’s sisters asked the "right questions" that helped her understand a little bit more about who they were. Helium tank or no, it's an insightful remark...

- What is that yellow paper that the one sister is holding?

- Carly is getting real with the sisters right now and I am ok with it.

- Becca is about to hyperventilate

- Was the yellow paper a list of felonies? DUIs? Mini Headshots?

- Did Jade really launch her own make-up line?

- Johnny: "If you sewed together all of the contestants’ outfits from just now, you’d make up ONE outfit that the sister is wearing." 

This is how Johnny felt, after that remark... Rightfully so... 

- Let’s talk about what’s in the kitchen right now… Artichokes, Almond Milk… and M & Ms. (Is it a choice to have the M&M's in the background of this shot of Jade right now? #Cinderella) 

- WHY are Jillian and Britt ALWAYS clutching other girls during Date Card Time?!?!

- Jade got the one-on-one… And is crying about it…This is the second round of tears we've had over a date card this season.

- Obviously the interns got to takeover glam patrol and I am LOVING it.

- The fairy godmother is named “Nonny." This is an actual fact. 

I won't even remark on the waste-of-time that is this shameless movie plug, but I WILL remark upon the fact that I like this a helluva lot better than the Highland games that they did on Emily Maynard's season for Brave... or the movie that Dez and Juan Pablo sat through after that terrible movie stunt date... OR WHO COULD FORGET THE AWKWARD DATE WITH COACH LAST SEASON, after The Hundred Foot Journey??!

On a commercial break, we hear Hare advertise: "We are looking for guys to date our next Bachelorette…"
Johnny: I WILL. I am 25. I am Bachelorette old. I’m well-educated. I’ve read three books. And I love to drink. I'm perfect for this show.

Back to the Ball:

Unlike Ashley I, I can’t say that I have ever felt like a middle-schooler around Chris… until I saw him doing the box step with himself...

Suddenly a slew of middle school memories are upon me, as I relive every moment of the box step that we had to dance to, to Sugar Ray's "Someday." (Shoutout to Big Daddy, who still had the guts to be seen in public with me - we went to Wendy's afterwards. True story.) 

THE STRUGGLE WAS REAL. Holly Ball. #NeverForget2001


My middle school angst is somewhat soothed as I see the set of stairs that Jade has to descend... 

Carolyn: Oh that’s not fair.
Johnny: It isn’t Cinderella without the stairs!
Grace: …if she makes it down them…

(She made it down the stairs, apparently

Jade: And there Chris is, looking so so handsome.
Grace: And here I am, literally DRIPPING in diamonds.

(Later at dinner

Jade: “I was engaged… but it didn't happen, soooo…”
Chris: I was engaged too... We dated for seven years.
Grace: (as Jade) And it was me. You were engaged to me.
Johnny: (also as Jade) Surprise! Good disguise, right? But it's the same me that you dated for seven years!

(Later on the dance floor

Grace: Well he is a good dancer. 
Johnny: Cody taught him how.
The LRPG realizes that there could be some truth to the fact that Cody might have taught Farming how to waltz on a platform that is LITERALLY two square feet. And if you fall off, you kill a violinist, so the stakes are HIGH. 

I think I like Jade? I feel like we still don't really know who she is... Does she have a kid or two? Has she dated women?  I don't think those two are necessarily news items, however in Bachelornation, we all know: THEY'RE NEWS ITEMS. I feel like we're waiting for her to drop a bomb about something... Maybe she's really great. Who knows.


And now presenting...  her Rachesty, Princess Ashely. From Wayne, New Jersey.
...Where the mall is open on Sundays. 



Ashley is REALLY upset about not getting the Cinderella date. So, SO upset. She even packed a princess dress for a princess date that she'll never get to wear now. (Just for the record, that brings us to a total of TWO outfits which she has openly whined about not having a chance to wear... Exhibit A: see "red Kim Kardashian dress") 

Apparently a Rolls Royce is her "element," but we're left to wonder, seeing how she's in her "princess dress" sulking on an ear of corn... 

Grace: Princess Ashley, in all her ratchet glory... Hailing from Wayne, New Jersey.
Johnny: Where the mall is open on Sundays.
Carolyn: Huh?
Johnny: The mall is open on Sundays. I'm from Allendale, which is a few towns over, and everyone knew that retail stores were closed on Sunday, but you could always go to Wayne, cause the malls were open on Sunday...

....I think we're done, here.

Group Date:Muddy Obstacle Course

 Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca

Blah blah they got really muddy and dirty in wedding dresses (I pity the girls stuck with the strapless numbers) Jillian LITERALLY left everyone in the dust, thus earning a one-on-one date with Prince Farming.

Johnny: Anyone seen The Interview? It’s on Netflix.
Grace and Carolyn: Nope. Not interested.
Johnny: Me neither, I just was wondering if either of you had seen it, cause I’d watch it if you found it interesting…
Grace: you know what I don’t find interesting? Jillian on this date.

Jillian truly seems like a nice girl. Frighteningly different with and without make-up, but a genuinely nice girl. I'd love for her to be my trainer. But I wouldn't want her to be my best friend. 

You know who I would want as my bestie? CARLY. 
On losing the obstacle course to Jillian: “I should have trained. I should have run a mile, like… every day… for five years.”

Prince Farming actually had the guts to send Jillian packing... Something about "alls I can do is..." At least on the bright side, the piano music in the background of this heavy rejection right now is GREAT.

Rose Ceremony:

My thoughts, again without editing:

- Which Ashley is crazier? It’s literally a toss-up right now…

Ashley I on her virginity: Some people guess it and some people don’t…
Chris: They guess it? How do they guess it?
Grace: Seriously, how?

- I'll go ahead and say that I respect Baby Mak for being friends with Ashley I. It's clearly no easy task. Together they are just a HUGE mess, but I'll still give some points to Baby Mak about it... She remarked that Ashley has a way of "taking the tiniest little thing and blowing it up really big." 

...I'D SAY THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY, BABY MAK. 

- The chronology of this evening is very unclear. Either the editors took one bout of AshleyCrying and ran with it, or she legitimately broke down SEVEN DIFFERENT TIMES. It's a toss-up. During one of those seven times, poor Nashville Megan got stuck in the bathroom with her. Megan gets it, ok y'all? She gonna put on more hairspray about it, cause that’s what we do in Nashville, y’all.

Oh and eventually we hear Ashley say, “If he sends me home after that conversation, that would be mean…" (followed by a vigorous Jersey eye roll) It would be mean, you guys!

Kaitlyn: We’ve got two virgins in the house!
Johnny: ...And one of them is crazy!

- In a very, VERY un-crazy way, Britt called Farming the eff out, for "giving Kaitlyn the rose and basically endorsing nudity and indecent behavior..." 
          Chris's response was... not one. He finished his nonsense with “I’m glad to have had this conversation…”
          WHAT CONVERSATION?! He just said so much nonsense that it isn’t even real. He then stated, “I’m a man and Im’ma handle it like a man…”

...And then in typical man fashion, he put the entirety of the burden on the women, by telling them that they could leave if they had a problem... 

With the exception of a select few, I truly want more for the girls of this season. I really like a lot of them and cannot fathom why they would want to end up with a guy like Chris. (Most of the girls I like are in category 1 of "Right Reasons," but honestly... Farming just isn't worth it.)

Oh, and nobody worry: Hare and Jacob kept their money, based on the "out" clause in the bet. You see, Jacob said that he was putting money down that at least one girl would "see herself out" before the rose ceremony. And alarmingly, not one girl opted to leave this week. Not one. Fortunately Chris Harrison is a brilliant legal mind, in addition to brilliant Reality TV host, and he strode into the Intern Break room, snatched up the bills and said, "Ashley I saw herself out. Out of the closet. The virginity closet, you fools. She saw herself out. We win. Never question our predictions. Jacob? My satchel, please..." 

And for the love of all things amazing, can we talk about that magical exit from Ashley S? Were those bird calls she was making? I don't even know, but I loved it. Loved every second of it. She is who she is. She has nothing to say to Chris. She feels nothing. No feelings. None. 

Also remarkably stoked to see Kelsey's meltdown next week.... 





Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Hello, Sister Wives...

Real talk: the following speech is meant to be delivered in the tone of President Bill Pullman in "Independence Day."

Bonus points if you remembered that
Mae Whitman is in this movie... 

Or Coach Eric Taylor in pretty much any halftime speech in "Friday Night Lights." 
Since you asked... 


Or that one line that Jeff Bridges says in "Seabiscuit," that's the only thing I remember from the trailer: "And you either pack up and go home, or you keep fighting!"

Never even saw this movie... 

Y'ALL. We are at a critical moment in Bachelornation. Time to separate the men from the boys and the tools from the toys, here. What I'm trying to say is that we are at a point in the season where people are going to start jumping ship. Years from now, when we discuss this season, we're all going to hear, "Yeah I started that season, but it was SUCH a MESS that I just gave up..."

See: Lorenzo Borghese, Brad Womack season 1, Dez. Heck: MATT GRANT... you get the picture.

But really: we are in the TRENCHES. It's time to buckle down and FIGHT. I'm talking: you pursue the end of this season like Jillian pursued that squealing pig, last night - TAKE NO PRISONERS.

This show is a MESS. The cast is a MESS. Fortunately, as seen per the footage from the "wedding crashing," the crew is NOT a mess... (Unless Whitney is the one he chooses in the end and they did ADR for the ENTIRE thing... ) AT LEAST THE MICS WERE ON, LAST NIGHT. But BOY are these ladies hot, hot, crazy MESS.

So much of a mess that they had to bring in Jimmy Kimmel. Either that, or the same intern who got the tractors last week (her last name is Deere) is also a friend of the Kimmel family, and brought in ole Jimmy to impress everyone's favorite (former) intern, Jacob. Regardless, I'm SO glad Kimmel will be here for this "amazing journey together." 

Here's what happened: Prince Farming went on a one-on-one date with Miley Kaitlyn to Costco, she got a rose. Group date with... let's see if I can do this: Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, McKenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly. Becca got the Chastity rose. One-on-one date with Whitney, where they crashed a wedding. Disastrous pool party instead of a cocktail party. Trina, Amber aaaand two other girls that I don't even remember got sent home. 

In order to maintain SOME semblance of order in this hott mess, I'm resorting back to an older format, where my thoughts are pretty neatly laid out. Almost as neatly laid out, one might say, as the BODIES OF THE WOMEN ON THIS SEASON. 

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Observations:

 - Ah, please recall with me Kacie B, of Ben Flajnik (oh, and Sean Lowe’s) season, who “just wanted it to be over. Me and Ben, going to the grocery store. Totally normal.” I am ALL ABOUT THIS Costco date. I think it would have been remarkably boring with a Whitney or a Becca, but Miley Kaitlyn made it happen... 

- As we watch Miley roll around in that inflatable orb, I can't help but muse: I have no idea what direction the Bachelor Brand is going this season, but I am NOT upset about ANY of it… The small Mexican children that push the orb with BOTH Farming and Miley inside of it. Did the head of Bachelor Branding change? Again, not mad. Just curious. 

- Miley tells Kimmel how she’s dated “legit farmers” before… but when she goes onto talk about how they "actually milk cows," we realize what she means: she’s dated POOR farmers…

- Probably my favorite moment of the night was when Farming was about to give Miley the rose and Kimmel stopped him, mid-sentence and told him to start over. I think I want Jimmy Kimmel to be my acting teacher... 

- At the Farmville Obstacle Course of Love, I find myself vaguely concerned about the level of accessories that the women are wearing, as they get ready to start the race... 

- So Farming basically became a Kissing Slut (Slutty Kisser?) towards the end of the night of Farmville... I will give Carly some points for the classy, feminine, coy way that she went in for the kill... However, Amber and this dancing business? 

From the game she was spittin' in my ear, you'd think she'd know me... 

- Honestly I can't even remark on Baby Mac's conversation about how he's kissing other girls. In case ANYONE missed the memo: SHE IS TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. There is a college junior talking to a thirty three year old farmer, right now - does THAT give you some perspective? 

- I've decided: Becca could VERY well be the dark horse of this season – CAN I GET A WITNESS, CATHERINE GIUDICI?! Yaaaaaas she got that group date rose. Chastity, y'all. 

- I keep trying to like Whitney... And then she CRIES at getting a date card. Disapproval has officially been stamped. I'm sure I will expound upon this later... but I think my aversion to Whitney might be the same kind of aversion I had to Dez. I'm pretty sure she reminds me of every girl I NEVER liked in school. Admittedly, it's because she is, in a sense, everything I am not: polite, demure, put-together, in-control... NEED I GO ON? And we may also get together right now and admit that she SLAYED that date. (Slew?) Regardless. She killed it. Doesn't mean I like her. 

- At the pool party, Jade slyly asks Farming for a tour of his place... After some shots of Jillian's blacked-out derriere. we suddenly see Farming and Jade... on his bed. They've made some RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE excuse to get there, and now I'm struck by Jade's heels and her swimsuit on the bed… It's a lot. I go back and forth between really liking her and really not. Kind of like this music that’s happening, as we cut back and forth between them making out and then Jillian in the hot tub… again with her blacked-out derriere.

- Crying Ashley I. (Virginal Kim Kardashian) As of right now. maybe a bigger mess than Ashley S. Her sentences to Chris right now make ZERO sense. He's "having a hard time understanding Ashley..." For once, Farming and I agree. 

Questions I have:
- Why was Jillian cradling Britt during the whole Kimmel monologue? And then in basically every other shot of them sitting together they were on each other's laps - why? 

- Speaking of Britt, why did we NEVER see how she was disqualified from the Farmville Course? Anyone else notice that? 

- Then speaking of Britt's girlfriend Jillian: WHYYYYY THOSE SHORTS WHYYYY I DON'T UNDERSTANDDDDD

Get that girl a SMOCK!

- Most pressing question of the night: what was the gift Farming and Whitney brought to the wedding? Did the Deere intern pull MORE strings to get some comp court-side tickets, what? An autographed picture of Chris Harrison? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. 

- WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THE THREE GIRLS AND THE HOTT TUB I JUST NEED TO BE IN THE FETAL POSITION RIGHT NOWWWW. 



Memorable Quotes: 

- When the limo pulled up to Costco, Miley uttered,“Oh we’re actually getting out here?”

            …I can’t say that I share that sentiment. I would have been SO stoked. Like, excuse me Chris but I need some razor blades and oh look this cool pencil sharpener is on sale... 

- In case ANYONE was wondering… Prized Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn ordered Cinnistix and Cheesy bread before we started watching… I was, no joke, gnawing on cheesy bread as I announced, “JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR, I’m as tiny as Kaitlyn is.. in my mind… Like, when I imagine myself, I am JUST as small as she is... ”


#SorryDad


- At some point Chris tried to write off the fact that he is NOT a wordsmith, whining to Kimmel, "I grew up on a farm..." To which Kimmel brilliantly came back with, “Were there people on the farm, or just animals?”

- When explaining the rules of this Farmville Obstacle Course for Love, Kimmel concluded. “Whoever wrestles the pig and places it gently back in its pen… will be the winner of Chris’s heart.”




-  With a greedy gleam in her eye. Whitney asks Farming what he's looking for in a lady. He replies: “Somebody I can laugh with, talk to after a long day, roll the…” Cab? Cob? I’ve googled this word/idiom. Got nothin’. Never going to Iowa.


- After asking Chris what he's looking for in a mate, Whitney took an approach that is different than most of her peers. Instead of drinking her insecurities, Whitney proceeds to become ALL OF THOSE QUALITIES, right in front of Farming's face… “Let’s crash a wedding… I’m spontaneous!” Those are her exact words. 

But actually. 

- As Juelia is BAWLING in Chris’s arms - wait. Before I even get to that:
1) Take off that stupid headband, Juelia. It's doing NOTHING for ANYONE. 
2) Her decision to use a pool party as the time to tell Farming about how her bipolar husband killed himself demonstrates the lack of therapy that this girl has seen... 

No but please, PLEASE slow down, Juelia... 



Carolyn: “She… shouldn’t be here…”

Grace: She needs SO MUCH help…

And whaddaya know: girl got a rose. HERE is a classic example of Simpleton Syndrome. from which Farming suffers. The man doesn't even have enough perspective to realize that a) this chick should probably be with her kid and b) SHE ISN'T EVEN VAGUELY READY FOR... anything, if we're being honest... 


Here's to hoping Ashley S. gets more airtime next week. In the meantime:

If you don't know this reference-within-a-reference...
we can NOT be friends. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Aliens, and Other Red Flags...

Alright, Hare. You got us. This episode- THIS. EPISODE. was completely unlike ANYTHING we have ever seen before, in Bachelor history. What was it that Baby McKenzie said... "mind-boggled?" Cause that's what I am, right now. Still can't even wrap my head around what I just watched. 

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

We open by observing something that we have NEVER seen in Bachelor history. (a superlative that Hare neglected to mention) and that is: we are witnessing The Morning After on The Bachelor right now, for the first time EVER. I don’t remember seeing dawn on this show since Lorenzo Borghese. (yes, the Italian “prince” who has a cosmetic line for pets…) But it is, in fact, morning at the Bachelor mansion and the girls have decided to make DrunkAsASkunk Tara (UMiami Graduate, BY THE WAY. #GotSomeCanesOverHere) feel at home on the floor and they've all taken a seat, as Prince Farming steps outside with Kimberly for a chit chat. Yes, Kimberly was a girl that was straight-up rejected with the lack of a rose, but she's decided to "steal him away." Her timing is questionable.

Kimberly takes Farming outside and whimpers, "What are you thinking?" We all know that he's thinking, "I wanna be horizontal right now. And not that kind of horizontal. Put those Golden Globes away, Kimberly!"

The girls are inside stewing about what she could POSSIBLY want, and they insist that she got no rose, so she has to walk. Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn heard this and was shaking her head as she muttered, “If you haven’t learned by now that THERE ARE NO RULES...” Ah, and whaddaya know: Hare later affirmed this with his words to Chris, “This is your life. There are no rules.” Blah blah blah Kimberly asks Chris for another chance (another unprecedented move) and he relents, because let's face it: he's too much of a simpleton to have the clout to refuse. 

Jillian tried to be funny and tell us that she was protesting with the slow clap, but let's instead clap it up for last season's Pantsapreneur JJ, who boldly declared that he was tired of cheering on other guys. Clearly this process is still new and fresh for the girls and they (unlike JJ) can be bothered with niceties, so their response to Kimberly's return is... applause. 

The producers are clearly worried that there might not be enough tomfoolery and sneaking around this season, so Hare took great pains to inform the girls that Farming will be staying a mere stone's throw away, and that a) it's not illegal to take advantage of time with him and b) IT IS ENCOURAGED, because... oh, something about how "Every second counts," I'd honestly dug into my second bowl of pasta, at this point... 

Group Date: Let the Female Objectification Begin!
Jade, Ashley I , Tandra, McKenzie, Tara, Kimberly

I mean, I can hardly protest the premise of this show because I am such a deeply devoted fan, but this episode is SOARING to new heights in its misogyny. Oh look, girls: we'll have a pool party! Then we'll keep you in your bikinis as we stroll down the streets of downtown Los Angeles to a line of tractors, vehicles that move so slowly that there is little else for us to do but ogle your bodies. GREAT.

Our Living Room Peanut Gallery first smelled a rat when we noticed that Kimberly was still in her bikini, on the sidewalk, as she did her interview. A bimbo that has neglected to re-clothe herself, post pool party? Great things are in store. Tara also provides great foreshadowing for the tractor race: “I know what he means by ‘show me your country’ and he’s gonna see it.”

What if I don't wanna see Tara's "country?" 


I'm sorry... Is driving a tractor hard? Is there a skill to it? Clearly one of the Bachelor interns has a last name Deere, and was trying to suck up to the boss (Jacob) by announcing, "Yeah, I can totally hook us up with six free tractors!"

The tractor race was boring. Farming's reenactment of all things "slow" was boring. Anyone remember The Prince and Me? Give me THAT tractor race...

Chris sums the whole thing up with a non-sentence: “Lucky, this dude… two thumbs, right here…” I haven't heard a thought so fragmented since my tenth grade Latin translation homework...

We knew that either DrunkAsASkunkTara or Jersey (aka the un-Crazy Ashley) were going to win the tractor race, and in a not-so-shocking turn of events, Jersey won. She got alone time with Farming.We didn’t really see any of his conversation in the subsequent alone time with her, which doesn’t bode well for Farming’s skill at conversation… (Think about it: usually at this point the Bachelor or Bachelorette is asking about previous relationships, etc... We see Farming as NONE of this. Good thing he has a cropping of well-seasoned pros, who are ready to lay it all on the table, anyway. Do you see what I just did there with "cropping" and "seasoned?" I'm here all week, folks...)

In an interesting turn, Farming picks Baby McKenzie for the extended one-on-one time. Quick reminder for our friends at home: she is 21. TWENTY. ONE. She's drinking a beer on this date which she's only been legally allowed to do for several months, at this point.

IT'S PAST YOUR BEDTIME, BABY MAC.


And then we get into some REALLY weird territory. First of all, anyone remember the dude on Jillian Harris's season who had a foot fetish?


I don't want to call myself a savant, but for some reason, I was actually thinking of this fellow, Tanner, this weekend... NOW I KNOW WHY. It was a foreshadowing of what was to come: Baby Mac likes big noses. Having a big schnoz myself, I'm not opposed to one's observation of a big nose. (Speaking of observation: the ONLY reason we'll give Baby Mac ANY points is for noticing Chris's earring hole.) My father used to console me by saying "in ancient Roman times, a large nose was a sign of aristocracy..." 
Does this look like Ancient Rome to you? 


Let's talk about their conversation:
Baby Mac: “Have you ever been to LA?”
Chris: “Not since last season…”

For our hearing impaired friends: Farming said that with a completely straight face. When I say the man doesn't have a sense of humor, I mean he cannot make sense of it. He is too simple.

Baby Mac: do you believe in aliens?
Grace: Noooooo
Carolyn: YES. I am LOVING where this conversation is going...
Johnny: There are clearly NO crop circles on Chris’s farm…

Which brings us to the award-winning quote of the night:
“The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date is a red flag for me…”


Chris thinks it’s really cute for Mac to talk about her son… (Probably because it means she isn’t talking about aliens anymore…) So cute, in fact, that he states, "I'm 33. Kids don't scare me."

Let the record show: BABY MAC IS TWELVE YEARS HIS JUNIOR. When he is 80, she will be 68. She will be in her sixties when he is in his eighties, just so we're clear.

He gave her the rose. I honestly don't think he has it in him NOT to give out a date rose. I just don't think he can do it. He's giving me Season One Brad Womack. (not to be confused with season 2 Brad Womack)

Ugh, their dancing, nooooooooooo... He went in for the kiss... McKenzie later gave the girls a play-by-play, as though she were re-hashing prom night.

Helium Whitney chuckled and gives Baby Mac a verbal pat on the head as she remarked "So McKenzie literally counted the kisses. Like, this was the second, and the third, and the fourth..." OH LIKE YOU WOULDN'T, WHITNEY. Whit would like to think that her kisses with Chris will outnumber the grains of sand on the seashore, but I have NO doubt that she'll have a kiss log in that journal of hers...

This interjection of Megan and Jillian sneaking into Farmer's house... Lezzbe real: they were trashed. The editors had a lot of fun with that one, as our (newly promoted) assistant editor Jacob pulled footage of Megan ramming her helmet-clad head into EVERYTHING from forty five different cameras, so they had PLENTY of shots to prove Chris's safety (and perhaps Megan's lack thereof) Am I supposed to say anything about Jillian's lady parts? It's not like she was wearing that piece (or again... lack thereof) to get attention, because no one saw her but Megan. It wasn't for Chris's sake, and now her parents have to go to work the next day, knowing that everyone saw a blacked-out box over their daughter's baby-maker...

And let's not forget Jordan’s remarks about Jillian’s personal hygiene…
About this, I say...

I can’t. I full-on, Middle American White girl JUST CAN’T.

Carolyn: How does she even know that the girl needs a razor?
Johnny: Because her skivvies had to be censored! THERE WAS A BLACK BOX OVER HER HOO-HA. 

I have nothing more to say.

We see that Juelia (Really, Juelia's parents? You HAD to spell it that way?) has a STORY… (sorry Jules, nobody can top Emily Maynard on Deceased Spousal Stories) and it dawns on us that it might be a little too soon for her to be looking for love, as she is talking about it all and BAWLING. Who is this girl that is asking her the questions about it? I swear I haven't seen her before. Samantha (another chick I don't recognize) 
thinks that she is "really brave for being here." While Grace things that she "hasn't had enough therapy to be here." Ohhhh and look at that: Juelia caps it all off with “I need time to tell him… so don’t steal him away, ok?”



One on One date: Megan: “Love is a natural wonder”

I have limited things to say about this date:
1) I've done the Grand Canyon:


True life: Big Daddy took a selfie before selfies were even a thing:



And by "done the Grand Canyon," I mean "hiked to the bottom. Spent the night. Hiked back out." So to watch these two hop in a private jet to get to a helicopter to fly them down to the Colorado river, I say:

GET ON MY LEVEL, FARMING.

2) Megan said (I kid you not) "This is the most amazing day of my life.” I don't know if I should applaud her for having such low expectations, or shame her for having such low standards...
3) If I got a dollar for every time that girls spoke about “I can’t believe I’m HERE” I'd have more money in the bank than Farming has corn in his fields.
4) Farming just… doesn’t have a lot to say. I have heard him as ZERO personal questions. None. I'm pretty sure the only thing he asked Megan was to elaborate on the "this all happened so fast." remark.
5) Megan DOES have pretty eyes.
6) Out of boredom, my thoughts begin to wonder: Is it just me, or was the last person to hold out on a first date kiss One F Jef, from Emily Maynard’s season? Oh wait… I forgot about Mama Rene…

Group Date: Til Death Do Us Part
 Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley, Julia, Kaitlyn and Britt


Carolyn: If this is a haunted house, I will be so mad. This is literally my dream. Where is this place? Let's go.

As the zombies approach the limo, it now it becomes a mad dash to see who can cry the hardest about the zombies, to see who can get the most attention from Chris. As they step out of the limo and he explains where this is going, I can feel the fetal position coming on... Didn't ANYONE realize what this date was asking for??? Did Jacob set up this whole thing so they would realize how lost they are without him as an intern? (Because you KNOW he learned plenty of Emergency Room lingo with Tierra, Brooks, MANY others whose names are escaping me, currently...)

Hellooooo ER visit... 

As they sat down, post-zombie warfare, Chris delivered the Yuk Yuk* line of the night: “You guys really killed it today…”
No Yuk-yuk zone. 


Sorry to pick apart everything ever about Chris, but lezzbe honest: the problem wasn't with his joke, (It wasn't his, in the first place) It was the delivery. It was the smile on his face that INFORMED the ladies that he had, in fact, tried to tell a joke, AND the same smile that was SEEKING a reaction of approval.

A SIMPLETON, I TELL YOU!

And now let us discuss all that is... Ashley.

Farming said it well, “Ashley has moments of saying really intelligent things, but then it kind of drifts off into something I don’t understand…”

Here's my only problem: Her story doesn't add up. WHY don't we see the middle of these conversations? Her convo with Chris when she interrupted his interview. Her walking through the cloud of smoke on the zombie battle field. Her asking about whether or not she could shoot other people. Her talking to the cat....
DON'T call me Sarah Koenig of This American Life (ok, do) but we are DEFINITELY missing some pieces to the puzzle, here.

Don't get me wrong: girl seems certifiable. But what happened when she interrupted Farming's interview? We only saw the beginning and the end. What about walking through the cloud of smoke? Was she trying to get to something on the other side? When she asked if she could shoot other people, we never saw any of the answers register with her, which leads us to think she's crazy. But in general human conversation, someone asks a question, the question is answered, and then the inquisitor ACKNOWLEDGES the response. We are seeing zero acknowledgement from Ashley. Which, sure, is a real thing (or lack thereof) in crazy people. However, the lack thereof that we are seeing from Ashley is a reality that is being manipulated by very skilled editors. Could it be that we're not getting the full story?

As Director of Communications, I feel the need to remark on the flagrant lack thereof. (Ok, my business card doesn't say "Director of Communications," but when I'm at my house, I can CERTAINLY fill that role) Remember how Ashley walked up to the group of girls and said "BOOM. That's how I feel, right now," and they showed Britt looking all confused? I believe that Ashley was trying to remark that she felt out of sorts, like she was "coming out of nowhere,"

AM I WRONG?!?!

Ok. Done feeling defensive of poor Ashley. Onto my favorite quote of the night. She asked Farming, “What’s your biggest fear? Snakes or spiders or jumping?”

....JUMPING, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know anyone that DOESN'T like Farming and Britt together… She chose to whine about the fact that she didn't get a rose, but Hellooooo Britt: he gave you a card for safety. You need no rose.

Rose went to Kaitlyn aka Miley Cyrus, who is still one of my favorites.

Rose Ceremony (aka Virgin Sacrifice) 

Thoughts:

- Farming walks in and says, “What is it about this room that makes it so I can’t wipe the smile off my face?”
THAT is the best he can do. that is the only way he can think of to say "I get really turned on when I walk into a room full of women in short skirts..."

- Oh Helium Whitney… I’m undecided about you… I think, for the moment, I will say: I would like you to lead my Bible Study…

- Soooooo un-crazy Ashley's virginity...

Let's start with Baby Mac's freakout: “You’re super pretty, you’re intelligent and you’re a virgin… oh my gosh.” Followed by her "I can't even PRETEND to play that card cause I have a kid!"

So Ashley's a virgin… but she has a magic lamp in her belly button… that he has to rub… to get one of his three wishes to come true…

I have little else to say except: the only thing that is in favor of her supposed virginity right now is that she is SO insecure about said virginity that she's making up for it by coming off as hypersexual. And has maybe never kissed a guy in her life and thinks it's somehow appropriate to straddle him, when you do finally kiss him...

- And finally, Kaitlyn on Jordan: “I don’t think Chris has seen Jordan in her state… that she’s in…”
I mean, it's killing me. Which one is less stable, CrazyAshley or Jordan?
I CAN'T DECIDE!!
Which one???!


- When Jillian fell, on her way to accept a rose that wasn't for her… This is the first time I’ve felt for her…(the only time)

- This is also the only time I think I've been able to name all the rejects on episode two. There are still girls IN the house whose names I don't know, but for this week:
- Kimberly (double rejection. Ouch.)
- Tara (Go 'Canes. It's all about the U)
- Tandra (did she ride that motorcycle all the way home?)
- Alyssa ((please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle when exiting the Bachelor Mansion)
- Jordan (who will find PLENTY of consolation at the airport bar, rest assured...)










*Lest anyone be confused about the definition of a yuk yuk joke, it is a joke after which one makes the "yuk yuk" noise, as they chortle to themselves. Sean's Dad pulling a fried armadillo out of the oven on Emily's hometown date with him constitutes a yuk yuk joke.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

I Wish I was a Polygamist...

First things first: Last night was THREE HOURS. Three! Like, can I get that in a two-tape VHS case, please?

But actually...

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)
Allow me to preface with Hare's superlatives:
- "Strangest Rose Ceremony you've EVER seen"
- "Most Dramatic Season EVER"
- "Most Romantic Season EVER"
-  Honorable mentions: "a Virgin in the fantasy suite, a good girl with an x-rated past, and two widows!" (When did ANY of these things become milestones?)

And this live Bachelor red carpet business… where WAS I, for this?!?! I’m so confused about how I missed this thing. I am literally the headliner for this event, WHAT have I been DOING with my life!?

Lessons from the Red Carpet include, but are not limited to:
- Lacey has figured out what to do with her hair and I APPROVE… However, Hare didn’t pick up on her 80/40 joke… I'm guessing that Eleventy-seven percent of America didn't, either.

- Crazy Unicorns and Rainbows Elise can NOT breathe in that dress in the background right now, but I felt ZERO sympathy... Twenty bucks says Crazy-Eyed Chris didn't even remember her name...

- Apparently you can hook up with the gaffer at the hotel in Paradise and still show your face at the next live Bachelor Nation event, as evidenced by Crazy Michelle (see: "dude who threw himself off a balcony")

- Andi is making some weird excuses about she and Josh are not ready to plan a wedding… I’m bored. Stop stroking Josh’s back, Andi. I’m so bored.

- Well… Juan Pablo's Nikita looks UH-MAZING, I will give her THAT. I’m not interested in what she’s saying, only in getting a gym membership because I WANT TO LOOK JUST LIKE HER. About her split from Pollo Loco, she told Hare: “I wasn’t gonna quit, I’m not a quitter…”
Just so we're clear: she took that un-quitsmanship all the way to Couples’ Therapy, y’all. (And those residual checks all the way to the bank.)
Still don’t care about what she’s saying… Hare is clearly trying to bait her and she’s not taking it and I’ll give her POINTS for being a classy broad about it…

Onto the Farming B-Roll...
I'm gonna vote that because this was on the heels of summer time, ABC had been RIFE with interns, hence the PLENTEOUS b-roll... Chris baling hay, Chris... what's that thing with the kernels that he was doing in that little barn? Chris checking irrigation... THE MAN EATS BEANS OUT OF HIS OWN FIELD. HE FEEDS THE WORLD.


...and he has a GPS on his tractor. Has he even driven a tractor, before?




Chris is just a regular guy with a regular family, watchin' regular home videos on the family PC, y'all... He goes to a weekly meeting at a podunk bar down the road, that I'm gussing (because it's such a small town) suffices for the local AA meeting, Bible Study and all-around Boy's Club. The interns were high-fiving behind the camera that they got the old coots to drop enough buzzwords like "the price 'a grain..."

Ohhhh and there it is: "Love is a lot like farmin'..."



Ugh, aren't we going to see ANY footage of Chris training with Cody?? (Formerly of #Codelle, circa Season One of Bachelor in Paradise... Rest in Peace, Codelle. Ugh, rest in peace, Blaklee and Tony's relationship, circa Bachelor Pad II. (sniff!) Rest in peace, Ali's relationship with Frank! I'm spiraling out of control, fast! Rest in PEACE, Andi and Nick!



Out of the corner of my tear-filled eye, I see someone chuck a hay bale at Prince Farming...
YAAAAASSS HERE’S CODY!!!

I'LL NEVER LET GO, #CODELLE
Ohhhh and look at that. Farming is gonna drive his Harley all the way to Los Angeles



Blah blahh Charming is bad at trying on clothes in LA 'cause all of his clothes are made of straw spun into gold... Yada yada whine whine whine... Hold up: boy needs four towels for his outdoor shower. I'm the biggest diva I know and it only takes me a maximum of three, often two. And when was the last time we saw the bed that the Bachelor sleeps in? Anyone? (Elisa Goodrich, I'm looking at YOU) 


Ladiez: 

Lezzbehonest: Chris is vanilla. Beige. Toast, if you will. Hotter than burnt toast, sure. But toast, nonetheless.

And what does that mean? IT MEANS THE LADIES ARE INSANE, this season. It means that to say there is "drama" this season is putting it mildly. These chicks  are some of the best of the best, (crazy of the crazies) and I am STOKED.

Formerly known as the Bachelorette Intern Jacob, our boy has been promoted to Assistant Editor this season. He'd prefer to be in the field, as opposed to a desk job, but because of the pay increase (or rather pay, at all, he was thrilled) But before he got to work in post-production, he had PLENTY of work for the interns to do, to reap some of the richest b-roll harvest in Bachelor history... (see what I did there?)

- Britt. Oh I am SURE that she’s ALL ALONE in Los Angeles, hiking in that outfit… I’M SURE. Blah blah she's a waitress in LA (I'M SURE) and she hasn't had a boyfriend in three years (I'M SURE)

Update: Her introduction to Chris is... charged. She's like, shaking and crying and... A lot. But I'm not mad. She's certainly leaving an impression. Ohhhh and then she got the First Impression Rose. AND THE FIRST KISS! Dern these kids move faster and faster every season. Intern Assistant Editor Jacob hit pay dirt on Britt and that first kiss, because the other novice interns thought she'd play the chastity card and not go in for it... Jacob made up for what he lost on Fantasy Football this season with his money on Britt.

- Jillian is a “News Producer.” I'M SURE. (And may I just say that I have NEVER had the desire to “deadlift more than most guys I know...”)



- Amanda is a ballet instructor from Illinois. The novice interns could only find a measly three girls whose Wannabe Dance Moms were willing to sign releases for them to be on National Television, so it looks like Amanda has 0.04 students. And she lives with her mother because… she’s crazy. Her words, not mine. Oh and then she later says that Chris's smile is a "panty-dropper." I think we're done here.

Update: her "Secret Admirer" card wasn't a bad one to play, out of the limo. Good idea, poor execution. Or maybe it would've just been all around better if she hadn't had HUGE eyes and that Midwestern accent about it...

- Whitney is a nurse that backed up to a helium tank and... makes babies. Again: her words, not mine. Ugh she’s going far. I can feel it. Ohhh she’s asking the dog if Chris could be his Daddy.

TAKE YOUR DOG AND GO. 


- Makenzie is a single mom who apparently likes to hang out with babies more than grown men. She also likes to toss her kid Kale into soccer balls and pretend he’s playing soccer.

Update: she likes playing with babies because she IS a baby. Twenty one years old.

- Alyssa and this airline thing DON’TTTT STOPPPP NOOOO FLYING METAPHORS DIEEEEE.

- Kelsey… School counselor… B Roll, b roll, b roll HOLD UP SHE’S A WIDOW. Oh that’s a lot. Ohhh she’s crying about it, and writing vigorously in her journal… Maybe it's too soon? Wait… sorry, is anyone else picturing THIS, when she talks about how she wanted to crawl back in bed?

Ashley Herbert... ANYONE?


- Trina: Already drunk. She's very clearly that older girl in your group of friends that is CONSTANTLY comparing EVERYONE to EVERYONE else...

THERE IS SO MUCH INTENSE HUGGING HAPPENING AND I'M SO OVERWHELMED. 

- Megan: at first I found myself irked that my fellow Nashville gal didn't leave more of an impression, but then I realized that the girl's game is subtle, and I suddenly cannot begrudge her for playing a smart and safe game, first round...

- Ashley I. "freelance journalist" Already drunk. Keep it up, girl.

Update: she continues to rant as the night goes on... Already so tired of her.

- Reegan: has a GREAT dress... but also has a... cooler. And she's nervous and this is NOT going to play well...

She's taking out a heart, cause she works with organ tissue donors...

Dooooooon't!

- Tara... already drunk. Refuses to wear a cocktail dress. Also refuses to wear makeup, apparently. Oh wait, she changed into a cocktail dress...  Points to Chris for recognizing Tara when she popped out of the limo a second time... (or for reading the cue cards behind the limo.) It is at this point that I realize that "Tara" is the name Hare planted in our minds as one who "had a little too much to drink, that first night," when he was talking to Sean and Catherine.
Did anyone else think Hare was going in THIS direction?


- Amber: Brought out a teddy bear... Oh please do NOT, Amber...

- Nikki: She's a "former NFL Cheerleader..."

Quick pause while we have a moment of silence for poor Cassandra, also a former professional cheerleader... Who was sent home... from the Shire (literally)... On her birthday... 

MOVING ON:


- Ashley: Oh Ashley. I can't help but feel an inkling that Ashley just got a terrible edit. But that's not to say that she didn't give the editors some SOLID GOLD to draw from... First she did that poorly executed coin thing with Chris... And then the yellow rose to the WWE Diva (In-Training. She's not a Diva YET, you guys) And THEN she picked a pomegranate, after her declaration that it was an onion. And she felt empowered by it. And the interns drew straws about who got to eat it.

- Kaitlyn... bubbly. Ohhhh and then she dropped the BOMB, "You can plow the **** out of my field anytime..." And then the tight seal joke... This is intentional, right? She doesn't seem so out of touch as to have no idea how uncomfortable she's making people feel, but she doesn't seem malicious enough to do it on purpose, either... Do I smell Courtney Robertson, in our midst? Is this all deeply intentional? Not to mention  the fact that she somehow reminds me of.. Miley Cyrus. Is that way off base? And, did anyone else happen to spot her with a heated beverage on-hand, as she was observing other girls exiting the limo? Again: intentional. Girl has to seek out more than a bartender to procure a steaming hot beverage... I smell a darkhorse...


I will now take a brief moment to say nothing except for the fact that Harrison said, "How badly do you wanna get in there?"

HIS. WORDS. Not mine.

This was at the VERY strange interlude where Chris went INSIDE the house after only fifteen women had arrived. Here's my theory: Farming jokingly said "I'd love to go in now" and then Hare JOKINGLY replied, "Well why don't you?"
Because he's spent his entire life in Iowa, FARMING TOOK HIM SERIOUSLY. Took him seriously because he a) can't figure out when someone is joking and b) is enough of a simpleton to actually believe that maybe there were only 15 women this season although he'd heard there were more, and enough of a simpleton NOT to have a quip that would sarcastically test the waters to see how serious Hare was...

I'm SORRY to call him a Simpleton, but you know it's true!

He heads on inside and starts getting to know the girls, and poor Intern Assistant Editor Jacob was up all night, trying to find footage of girls that were sober enough to question the measly number of fifteen... 
Onion Ashley was the best he could do. She practically went around the mansion doing a headcount, REALLY wanting to know how many girls are coming... (It would have been VERY beneficial for the Witch to pay Ashley a visit and snap "WHO CARES?! THERE'S HALF A MIDNIGHT LEFT, GET TO KNOW THE FELLOW!" But alas... we're not in the woods, we're in the mansion...)

Meh... Some forgettable girls roll up and pile out of the limo... I'm bored. Where's Kaitlyn?

- Tandra... have we had a name as creative as Tandra in a while? What a name. And oh, I am SURE she rode that Harley all the way up the freeway...

- Jordan: the "student" who brought Whiskey.

Oy.

- Nicole: Ohmigah I didn't know Jessica Chastain was on this season! (J. Chastain meets Penelope?)

- Carly: Ok but this cruise singer is shockingly NOT bad... And that dress is great. I want to be friends with her.

- Tracy: Is SHAKING, first of all. And sure, it's cute that she is reading a note from her "fourth graders," but HELLO isn't she SERIOUSLY violating confidentiality agreements by telling her students about where she's going??

- Bo: She's the plus-sized model. I'm actually really surprised they didn't keep her around for another episode.

- Kara: I thought this high school soccer coach might be a good match, but Farmer sent her a-packin'... 

- Jade: Ok she got a strange edit, but I really like Jade.

Buuuuuut can we talk about that time she couldn't park at the Promenade, so she drove back home and cried?

Because THIS is how I feel about that:

Welcome to EVERY day of my LIFE. Jade. 

Let's take a moment to appreciate how Chris stopped the rose ceremony to try, once more, to talk the producers out of making him keep DrunkDaisyDukes aka Tara, and Nashville Megan insightfully remarked that she wondered if he was having a panic attack... CLEARLY SHE WATCHED BACHELOR IN PARADISE AND SAW GRAHAM BUNN DO THIS.

(Have I mentioned that I listen to Graham Bunn on the radio every morning on 105.1: Go Country? It's a very strange thing to hear the voice of a man I watched on TV in HIGH SCHOOL, on my radio every day, but as the great John Mayer says: "I'm not mad about it.")

It is very clearly DAWN when these girls are doing the exit interviews, OF COURSE they're all a big crying mess...

We said good-bye to: Reegan, Amanda, Michelle, Nicole, Bo, Kara, Brittany and Kimberly.

Uhhh I remember that Nicole was the redhead, Bo was the plus-sized model, and Kara was the soccer coach... Other than that...





Monday, January 5, 2015

First Impression Blog

Extended thoughts up later today.

In the meantime:

I am a FAN of:
- Britt, the smiley girl from LA. First rose and first kiss. 
- Kaitlyn, the Miley-Cyrus-esque, strangely sober dance teacher
- Jade, the cosmetics developer who cried about parking at the Promenade. She's going far. 
- Megan, probably maybe ONLY just because she's from Nashville. 

Need MORE of:
- Tara, the drunk
- Ashley, and her onions. Her empowering onions. 
- For once, the rose ceremony tension is not "who will get the rose" but rather:"will Tara make it through this?" 

Need NONE of:
- Mackenzie. PLEASE do something about your hair. And about your age. 
- Panty-dropping Amanda and her CrAzY eYeS. 
- Ashley I. Yap yap yap
- Jillian and her guns. 
- Trina: shut UP about the other girls.