Tuesday, January 6, 2015

I Wish I was a Polygamist...

First things first: Last night was THREE HOURS. Three! Like, can I get that in a two-tape VHS case, please?

But actually...

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)
Allow me to preface with Hare's superlatives:
- "Strangest Rose Ceremony you've EVER seen"
- "Most Dramatic Season EVER"
- "Most Romantic Season EVER"
-  Honorable mentions: "a Virgin in the fantasy suite, a good girl with an x-rated past, and two widows!" (When did ANY of these things become milestones?)

And this live Bachelor red carpet business… where WAS I, for this?!?! I’m so confused about how I missed this thing. I am literally the headliner for this event, WHAT have I been DOING with my life!?

Lessons from the Red Carpet include, but are not limited to:
- Lacey has figured out what to do with her hair and I APPROVE… However, Hare didn’t pick up on her 80/40 joke… I'm guessing that Eleventy-seven percent of America didn't, either.

- Crazy Unicorns and Rainbows Elise can NOT breathe in that dress in the background right now, but I felt ZERO sympathy... Twenty bucks says Crazy-Eyed Chris didn't even remember her name...

- Apparently you can hook up with the gaffer at the hotel in Paradise and still show your face at the next live Bachelor Nation event, as evidenced by Crazy Michelle (see: "dude who threw himself off a balcony")

- Andi is making some weird excuses about she and Josh are not ready to plan a wedding… I’m bored. Stop stroking Josh’s back, Andi. I’m so bored.

- Well… Juan Pablo's Nikita looks UH-MAZING, I will give her THAT. I’m not interested in what she’s saying, only in getting a gym membership because I WANT TO LOOK JUST LIKE HER. About her split from Pollo Loco, she told Hare: “I wasn’t gonna quit, I’m not a quitter…”
Just so we're clear: she took that un-quitsmanship all the way to Couples’ Therapy, y’all. (And those residual checks all the way to the bank.)
Still don’t care about what she’s saying… Hare is clearly trying to bait her and she’s not taking it and I’ll give her POINTS for being a classy broad about it…

Onto the Farming B-Roll...
I'm gonna vote that because this was on the heels of summer time, ABC had been RIFE with interns, hence the PLENTEOUS b-roll... Chris baling hay, Chris... what's that thing with the kernels that he was doing in that little barn? Chris checking irrigation... THE MAN EATS BEANS OUT OF HIS OWN FIELD. HE FEEDS THE WORLD.

...and he has a GPS on his tractor. Has he even driven a tractor, before?

Chris is just a regular guy with a regular family, watchin' regular home videos on the family PC, y'all... He goes to a weekly meeting at a podunk bar down the road, that I'm gussing (because it's such a small town) suffices for the local AA meeting, Bible Study and all-around Boy's Club. The interns were high-fiving behind the camera that they got the old coots to drop enough buzzwords like "the price 'a grain..."

Ohhhh and there it is: "Love is a lot like farmin'..."

Ugh, aren't we going to see ANY footage of Chris training with Cody?? (Formerly of #Codelle, circa Season One of Bachelor in Paradise... Rest in Peace, Codelle. Ugh, rest in peace, Blaklee and Tony's relationship, circa Bachelor Pad II. (sniff!) Rest in peace, Ali's relationship with Frank! I'm spiraling out of control, fast! Rest in PEACE, Andi and Nick!

Out of the corner of my tear-filled eye, I see someone chuck a hay bale at Prince Farming...

Ohhhh and look at that. Farming is gonna drive his Harley all the way to Los Angeles

Blah blahh Charming is bad at trying on clothes in LA 'cause all of his clothes are made of straw spun into gold... Yada yada whine whine whine... Hold up: boy needs four towels for his outdoor shower. I'm the biggest diva I know and it only takes me a maximum of three, often two. And when was the last time we saw the bed that the Bachelor sleeps in? Anyone? (Elisa Goodrich, I'm looking at YOU) 


Lezzbehonest: Chris is vanilla. Beige. Toast, if you will. Hotter than burnt toast, sure. But toast, nonetheless.

And what does that mean? IT MEANS THE LADIES ARE INSANE, this season. It means that to say there is "drama" this season is putting it mildly. These chicks  are some of the best of the best, (crazy of the crazies) and I am STOKED.

Formerly known as the Bachelorette Intern Jacob, our boy has been promoted to Assistant Editor this season. He'd prefer to be in the field, as opposed to a desk job, but because of the pay increase (or rather pay, at all, he was thrilled) But before he got to work in post-production, he had PLENTY of work for the interns to do, to reap some of the richest b-roll harvest in Bachelor history... (see what I did there?)

- Britt. Oh I am SURE that she’s ALL ALONE in Los Angeles, hiking in that outfit… I’M SURE. Blah blah she's a waitress in LA (I'M SURE) and she hasn't had a boyfriend in three years (I'M SURE)

Update: Her introduction to Chris is... charged. She's like, shaking and crying and... A lot. But I'm not mad. She's certainly leaving an impression. Ohhhh and then she got the First Impression Rose. AND THE FIRST KISS! Dern these kids move faster and faster every season. Intern Assistant Editor Jacob hit pay dirt on Britt and that first kiss, because the other novice interns thought she'd play the chastity card and not go in for it... Jacob made up for what he lost on Fantasy Football this season with his money on Britt.

- Jillian is a “News Producer.” I'M SURE. (And may I just say that I have NEVER had the desire to “deadlift more than most guys I know...”)

- Amanda is a ballet instructor from Illinois. The novice interns could only find a measly three girls whose Wannabe Dance Moms were willing to sign releases for them to be on National Television, so it looks like Amanda has 0.04 students. And she lives with her mother because… she’s crazy. Her words, not mine. Oh and then she later says that Chris's smile is a "panty-dropper." I think we're done here.

Update: her "Secret Admirer" card wasn't a bad one to play, out of the limo. Good idea, poor execution. Or maybe it would've just been all around better if she hadn't had HUGE eyes and that Midwestern accent about it...

- Whitney is a nurse that backed up to a helium tank and... makes babies. Again: her words, not mine. Ugh she’s going far. I can feel it. Ohhh she’s asking the dog if Chris could be his Daddy.


- Makenzie is a single mom who apparently likes to hang out with babies more than grown men. She also likes to toss her kid Kale into soccer balls and pretend he’s playing soccer.

Update: she likes playing with babies because she IS a baby. Twenty one years old.


- Kelsey… School counselor… B Roll, b roll, b roll HOLD UP SHE’S A WIDOW. Oh that’s a lot. Ohhh she’s crying about it, and writing vigorously in her journal… Maybe it's too soon? Wait… sorry, is anyone else picturing THIS, when she talks about how she wanted to crawl back in bed?

Ashley Herbert... ANYONE?

- Trina: Already drunk. She's very clearly that older girl in your group of friends that is CONSTANTLY comparing EVERYONE to EVERYONE else...


- Megan: at first I found myself irked that my fellow Nashville gal didn't leave more of an impression, but then I realized that the girl's game is subtle, and I suddenly cannot begrudge her for playing a smart and safe game, first round...

- Ashley I. "freelance journalist" Already drunk. Keep it up, girl.

Update: she continues to rant as the night goes on... Already so tired of her.

- Reegan: has a GREAT dress... but also has a... cooler. And she's nervous and this is NOT going to play well...

She's taking out a heart, cause she works with organ tissue donors...


- Tara... already drunk. Refuses to wear a cocktail dress. Also refuses to wear makeup, apparently. Oh wait, she changed into a cocktail dress...  Points to Chris for recognizing Tara when she popped out of the limo a second time... (or for reading the cue cards behind the limo.) It is at this point that I realize that "Tara" is the name Hare planted in our minds as one who "had a little too much to drink, that first night," when he was talking to Sean and Catherine.
Did anyone else think Hare was going in THIS direction?

- Amber: Brought out a teddy bear... Oh please do NOT, Amber...

- Nikki: She's a "former NFL Cheerleader..."

Quick pause while we have a moment of silence for poor Cassandra, also a former professional cheerleader... Who was sent home... from the Shire (literally)... On her birthday... 


- Ashley: Oh Ashley. I can't help but feel an inkling that Ashley just got a terrible edit. But that's not to say that she didn't give the editors some SOLID GOLD to draw from... First she did that poorly executed coin thing with Chris... And then the yellow rose to the WWE Diva (In-Training. She's not a Diva YET, you guys) And THEN she picked a pomegranate, after her declaration that it was an onion. And she felt empowered by it. And the interns drew straws about who got to eat it.

- Kaitlyn... bubbly. Ohhhh and then she dropped the BOMB, "You can plow the **** out of my field anytime..." And then the tight seal joke... This is intentional, right? She doesn't seem so out of touch as to have no idea how uncomfortable she's making people feel, but she doesn't seem malicious enough to do it on purpose, either... Do I smell Courtney Robertson, in our midst? Is this all deeply intentional? Not to mention  the fact that she somehow reminds me of.. Miley Cyrus. Is that way off base? And, did anyone else happen to spot her with a heated beverage on-hand, as she was observing other girls exiting the limo? Again: intentional. Girl has to seek out more than a bartender to procure a steaming hot beverage... I smell a darkhorse...

I will now take a brief moment to say nothing except for the fact that Harrison said, "How badly do you wanna get in there?"

HIS. WORDS. Not mine.

This was at the VERY strange interlude where Chris went INSIDE the house after only fifteen women had arrived. Here's my theory: Farming jokingly said "I'd love to go in now" and then Hare JOKINGLY replied, "Well why don't you?"
Because he's spent his entire life in Iowa, FARMING TOOK HIM SERIOUSLY. Took him seriously because he a) can't figure out when someone is joking and b) is enough of a simpleton to actually believe that maybe there were only 15 women this season although he'd heard there were more, and enough of a simpleton NOT to have a quip that would sarcastically test the waters to see how serious Hare was...

I'm SORRY to call him a Simpleton, but you know it's true!

He heads on inside and starts getting to know the girls, and poor Intern Assistant Editor Jacob was up all night, trying to find footage of girls that were sober enough to question the measly number of fifteen... 
Onion Ashley was the best he could do. She practically went around the mansion doing a headcount, REALLY wanting to know how many girls are coming... (It would have been VERY beneficial for the Witch to pay Ashley a visit and snap "WHO CARES?! THERE'S HALF A MIDNIGHT LEFT, GET TO KNOW THE FELLOW!" But alas... we're not in the woods, we're in the mansion...)

Meh... Some forgettable girls roll up and pile out of the limo... I'm bored. Where's Kaitlyn?

- Tandra... have we had a name as creative as Tandra in a while? What a name. And oh, I am SURE she rode that Harley all the way up the freeway...

- Jordan: the "student" who brought Whiskey.


- Nicole: Ohmigah I didn't know Jessica Chastain was on this season! (J. Chastain meets Penelope?)

- Carly: Ok but this cruise singer is shockingly NOT bad... And that dress is great. I want to be friends with her.

- Tracy: Is SHAKING, first of all. And sure, it's cute that she is reading a note from her "fourth graders," but HELLO isn't she SERIOUSLY violating confidentiality agreements by telling her students about where she's going??

- Bo: She's the plus-sized model. I'm actually really surprised they didn't keep her around for another episode.

- Kara: I thought this high school soccer coach might be a good match, but Farmer sent her a-packin'... 

- Jade: Ok she got a strange edit, but I really like Jade.

Buuuuuut can we talk about that time she couldn't park at the Promenade, so she drove back home and cried?

Because THIS is how I feel about that:

Welcome to EVERY day of my LIFE. Jade. 

Let's take a moment to appreciate how Chris stopped the rose ceremony to try, once more, to talk the producers out of making him keep DrunkDaisyDukes aka Tara, and Nashville Megan insightfully remarked that she wondered if he was having a panic attack... CLEARLY SHE WATCHED BACHELOR IN PARADISE AND SAW GRAHAM BUNN DO THIS.

(Have I mentioned that I listen to Graham Bunn on the radio every morning on 105.1: Go Country? It's a very strange thing to hear the voice of a man I watched on TV in HIGH SCHOOL, on my radio every day, but as the great John Mayer says: "I'm not mad about it.")

It is very clearly DAWN when these girls are doing the exit interviews, OF COURSE they're all a big crying mess...

We said good-bye to: Reegan, Amanda, Michelle, Nicole, Bo, Kara, Brittany and Kimberly.

Uhhh I remember that Nicole was the redhead, Bo was the plus-sized model, and Kara was the soccer coach... Other than that...

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