Monday, August 12, 2013

A Few Questions...


1) No-Bachelor Monday is almost as bad as terribly un-fresh cookies at Ralph’s. It is, therefore, that I post.

2) I am not an elitist. I need that to go on record. ‘Cause I don’t think I’m alone in remarking that Juan Pablo is GONNA HAVE SOME VERBAL FAUX PAS next season. I fear that it will appear that I am picking on him. This is not so. While I would go out of my way to avoid pointing out verbal faux pas of those in the leagues of a Bachelor Adonis or Venus, (see: Lesley Murphy, Reid Rosenthal, Sean Lowe, Frank Neuschafer, Catherine Giudici and Jillian Harris) I would not go out of my way to pick on a contestant. Unless it’s Tiara, the Tierrorist. It is, therefore, that I post.

3) I have a few questions. It is, therefore, that I shall review my biggest inquiries of the season, and post. Maybe I’ll consider this my set-list, if I were charged with interviewing Hare tomorrow. This is what I’d want to know:

a. What- WHAT did good ole Chris think, upon watching this season back and seeing Dez, AS EARLY AS GERMANY, saying she wanted a proposal from Brooks? Any objection to that, Topher?

b. Was Dez just so desperate for something to work out, after two whole seasons of heartbreak, that she just accepted Chris’s proposal? Don’t get me wrong: I would literally marry Chris yesterday. I think he’s fantastic. But I don’t think Dez was in love with him.
        I do think that if I were in Dez’s shoes, I would hear the murmurings of my parents in my subconscious, saying, “Well Hon, ABC has given up a lot for you, and you need to do the right thing and be grateful for the man with whom they have provided you. And be sure to put one of your name cards in those monogrammed handkerchiefs that you send to Chris Harrison and Mike Fleiss; they were expensive name cards and we want you to use them…”

c. Who were Reality Steve’s sources? How did he miss the boat on this one?

d. If Dez is so gung-ho about her parents’ relationship and her family life, why does she insist that she has been on her own since she was 18, and doesn’t go home very often, or very often receive support from her parents?

e. How is Drew’s modeling career working out? I’m not sure why, but something tells me it might be going something like this:

Sidenote: When looking for a sufficient picture, just now, I somehow (don’t ask me how) stumbled upon a family who dressed up as the many shades of Tobias Funke for Halloween:

You go, Glen Coco

f. At what point did Dez have to surrender the Bentley? (The car, not the guy) Why didn’t we see any poor artistic direction of that moment?

g. And finally, I think I said something to this effect around the Men Tell All, when Hare was falling all over himself to paint Whoo-an Pablo as a fan favorite, but… Is it just me, or does anyone else get the feeling that Mike Fleiss just kind of gave in and decided to “give the people what they want,” by making WP the next Bachelor? Don’t get me wrong: I do believe that the WP fans were the most vocal, but I just don’t believe that they were as far and widespread as BachelorNation would have us think…

Mitch Hurwitz went there. Grace just did, too. 

Until January… If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Isss Gonna Be Eeeenteresting...

Let us start with the facts:
1)      Much like Sean did with Lindsay, Cat and Dez in St. Croix last season, I traversed from one coast to another, yesterday. Except it was from California to Florida, and it was via more than a dinky little Jeep.
2)      San Destin, FL is in the Central Time Zone.
3)      For my entire life, I have dreamed of meeting prince charming- For my entire life, I have been hearing “8/7 central” on TV.
4)      But much like Dez and her love for Brooks: HOW QUICKLY WE FORGET.
5)      All that to say: thinking the show started at 8 when it really started at 7, I turned it on forty-five minutes in, last night, in the middle of Chris’s date. And it wasn’t recording. Thank goodness there as a network of fellow Bachelor fans to whom I could reach out, to figure out what on earth was going on…  

So here’s what happened:

Brooks left, but he did that last week. I have no doubt that they spent the first thirty minutes of the episode rehashing that debacle… Apparently she gave both Drew and Chris a rose, then sent Drew home, and I caught the second half of Chris’s date. He met her family. They liked him. The brother didn’t go crazy. Chris proposed to Dez. She said yes.

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Fortunately, while my math skills are abominable, my reading comprehension skills are off the charts. Or at least they were when I had to take tests about it. Ergo, it was not hard to discern what the status was, even though I started the episode 45 minutes late. Oh wait – that’s not because of my remarkable ability to discern context clues, it’s due to ABC’s remarkable ability to COVER VERY LITTLE GROUND IN FORTY FIVE MINUTES. So she’s on a date with Chris, and based on the way she’s talking, I figure out Drew isn’t there, so my only question is: WHAT IS ANYONE STILL DOING THERE?! Obviously Intern Jacob read everyone their contractual obligation to give America a tenth episode, so we plowed onward.

MOVING ON. (That is: Dez was moving on emotionally, while Grace is just moving on to the next paragraph…)

-        I am so deeply baffled right now. I am also so deeply in love with Chris. (This was literally the first thing I wrote when I turned the TV on…)

-        Aaaand Chris is stumbling over his toast, right now. Toasts just aren’t his thing, are they?

-        I have absolutely no idea what is happening in this conversation, post-toast. They are speaking in the most intensely circular and vague clichés and I am… at a loss. I can’t even summarize what was said, or what they were taking a stab at saying; it makes zero sense…

-        Zak is probably banging his head against the wall, at Chris giving Dez the journal right now…

-        So glad Jacob stored that journal in the right night stand. I was concerned that he might have put it in the suite next door…

-        DEZ IS ON XANEX. That’s what this is. It’s not a low-staked date, it’s that Jacob shared some of his pills, after he shoved that imported In N Out burger down her throat, last week… (He probably resorted to pills after his playing some CrucificGLORIOUS hits only succeeded in making her cry harder… There’s a reason you’re still at the level of intern, J-Cake.)

-        I am VERY proud of Dez for immediately moving her fingers between her eyebrows, when she starts to cry. I can ONLY assume that it’s to avoid wrinkles, and for this, I applaud her.

-        So it was definitely an editing move, to put together “I’ve never felt… so loved,” in all those promos, because what we just saw was Weepy Dez saying “I’ve never felt… that anyone loved me as much as I loved them… And to be so loved by Chris...”

-        Sidenote: Apparently there’s a new body by Victoria. According to this commercial, they would like America to believe that they’ve actually manufactured a new body… I’d love to know how they made a new body. What does it look like? Ah, the speculation…

-        Jackie, no one remembers you, sweetie. (Except for my friend, Katie, who gets her hair done at the same salon where Jackie works…)  Your best chance at combatting this is to turn to Sean and yell, “Hey! Glad you sent me home on that two-on-one with Tierra?!”

-        Lindsay’s hair is looking SO much better than when she said the most gut-wrenching words ever uttered to a Bachelor during a proposal-turndown: “I’m gonna go, cause this is painful. And This is my nightmare. And I didn’t see it coming…”

-        Sidenote II: Loving these commercials for fall TV on ABC right now… I think Rebel Wilson is one of the greatest humans to ever walk the face of this earth…

-        So Dez is still on Xanax for this date with her fam, but at least her dress is beautiful…

-        She is trying so, so very hard not to cry in front of front of her brother, right now… DON’T BE VULNERABLE IN FRONT OF THE CRAZIES, DEZ. DON’T DO IT.

-        Sidenote I a: the Victoria’s Secret ad came on again. I thought I saw this the first time through, but knew I had to be seeing things. Yet a second time through, I’m seeing that Victoria deserves a place in our FAUX PAS section, because the graphics on the screen read: Victoria’s Secret: You’ve never seen body’s like this…
…Body’s like this? They’re possessive, now? Is that implying that you become possessive of your own body if you buy this bra? Like a good ad should, it’s definitely got me talking about it… But something tells me that Victoria’s Secret didn’t use improper grammar as a marketing ploy. I could be wrong, but I don’t think that’s their target demographic…

-        At first I thought Chris was wearing jeans to go and propose… But then I realized he was- oh, yup. He was going to meet with our ole pal Neil Lane.

-        I’m not quite certain that walking up to the rose ceremony altar is the place to be saying, “and I have no idea what I’m going to do…” but Dez definitely just did that.

-        I’m kind of surprised that the ring box doesn’t have Neil Lane’s face on it, to be honest…

-        Sidenote I b: Ok the Victoria’s Secret ad came on again. I’m now noticing that out of the whole sentence, only two words are in quotation marks. It reads:
You’ve never “seen body’s” like this…
I will not dignify the existence of these commercials with any more time or speculation, but I’m just saying…

-        A proposal shouldn’t be this tense. It just shouldn’t. Not that I’m an expert, but… it shouldn’t.


-        Aaaand Chris just gave her an eskimo kiss, post-proposal. I think we’re done here.

Questions I have:
-        What was it about this super low-staked date that made Dez so certain that now Chris can meet her family?? Was she that unsure before?

-        Is Sean sitting next to Phyllis, from The Office right now?

      -        Chris, why did you choose to wear a t-shirt to meet the fam? WHYYY?

-        Hare, to Lindsay: “Is it hard, to watch your friend go through this?” OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS WITH HARE.

-        To Nathan’s drilling about Brooks, I would ask: DOES THE FAMILY HAVE ZERO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON?? No one has bothered to sit down with them and say, “well Dez was left high and dry by one guy, and then she sent another one home, so there’s really just one option left, here…” Like I said: THERE’S A REASON YOU HAVEN’T BEEN PROMOTED, J-CAKE.

-        Anyone else find it noteworthy that Dez’s Dad said, “I’ll answer that question,” before he gave Chris a yes, five seconds later? Was he trying to buy time?

-        Is she going to tell Chris about Brooks before or after he puts a ring on it? And into how much detail is she going to go?  Cause if she truly wants him to get a full picture, he should be seeing footage of the day Brooks-a-Million hit the road, Jack.

-        Why wasn’t Chris greeted by the other Chris, upon his limo exit, pre-proposal?

-        Who says that Chris has to talk first? I’d totally make Dez go first.

-        Ok that was a nice spiel about Brooks, Dez, but… Aren’t you going to say something like, “I was ready to marry Brooks after day one?” I don’t think you’re painting an accurate picture for Chris, here…

Memorable Quotes:
-        “Do you know what’s a good idea? Kissing me.” As many people I can think of who qualify for “sweetest person in the world” in ten seconds is half as many as the number of “better ideas” that I can think of, in this instance…

-        About her future life partner, Dez says, “Maybe that guy is still here and maybe he’s not…” THERE’S ONLY ONE GUY LEFT.

-        “Sometimes life is hard to accept.” OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS WITH DEZ.

-        Dez: Look out for my lip gloss.
Chris: It’s ok, I didn’t put any on…

-        “Thank you for being by my side. I don’t think many people can do this…” Can do what, Dez? Handle the fact that you lost your effing mind over another guy and expected the leftovers to stick around?

-        “If she doesn’t want to share that with me, maybe there’s something I don’t know…” WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW IS THAT BROOKS IS GONNA COME BACK, TOPHER. I hope this isn’t the case. But I’m a little worried, at this point…

-        “I was a little... apprehensive to introduce anyone to my parents…” I’m so proud of Dez for calling up the word “apprehensive,” in this moment. I was totally expecting something like, “I was a little… not totally settled, to introduce anyone to my parents…”

-        “Here I am… so welcome. Hi.” This was the one line in the baffling and vaguely circuitous post-toast conversation during which I had my wits about me, enough to record. My head was literally spinning in confusion during the rest of it. And I don’t even know what this line from Chris was supposed to mean, but it was so bizarre that I had to document it…

-        Dez’s Dad: Why should Dez choose you? …because there’s no one else to choose.

-        Dez’s brother: “Are you confident that she will choose you?” ….there’s no way she couldn’t. There’s no one else to choose.

-         “I’m swimming in uncharted waters right now… And the water is cold…” Does the temperature of the uncharted water have a bearing on the turbulence of it? Is that some elitist poet metaphor of which I’m not a part?

-        While he was getting ready to propose, Chris said: “Drew may have the feelings I’m having, and want to propose…” UmWhat?!

-        In the limo, we heard a voiceover of Chris, saying: “The first time I met Dez, I was down on one knee…” I thought he was going to make a cliché comment about things coming full circle… But he said “This time I’m not joking.”

-        Dez to Chris, about Brooks: “I was hurt. Cause it was surprise and I didn’t know what to feel.” I think what Dez was trying to say was “I was really overwhelmed because I was hurt, but I was also really shocked,” but instead she sounded like she was still in her first year of learning English…

-        No joke, Dez said these words to Chris: “So you’re the only one here…” Again, I’m not a proposal expert, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t the words that you wanna hear, right before you take a knee…

-        “Throughout the journey, I was torn between you and Brooks…” THAT’S A LIE, DEZ. AMERICA HEARD YOU, LAST WEEK. YOUR HEART WAS IN BROOKS' GREASY HANDS...

-         “To finally getting to hear you say ‘I love you’ back.” Well that’s a great cheers, Chris. Toast to that!

After the Final Rose:

-        Dez: I’m never gonna regret how I felt… No one is expecting you to regret how you felt, sweetie, but perhaps you might have some regrets about how you handled said feelings…

-        May we just take a second to discuss how she informed Brooks, “So yeah, now I’m engaged to Chris…”

-        Ok how about Brooks’ response to that, when he fired off, “Oh yeah, yeah I knew that would happen. I could tell from the way she looked at him on the group dates…” ARE YOU A CHILD?!

-        Drew has beefed up and I am not upset about it. Still think he’s a woman… But not upset.

-        “I felt like her greeting to Chris was a little more warm than mine…” Ok yeah he’s DEFINITELY still a woman.

-        Am I wrong, or would it be awesome if a reject came onto After the Final Rose and just latched onto the leg next to them and begged, “take me baaaaack! Pick meeee!!”

-        While he is still a woman I will give Andrew points for an articulate question that we know every past contestant has been dying to know, “In your eyes was I always a little behind Chris and Brooks?” And then when Dez said she was holding back, Drew said, “well when? When did you start feeling like you were holding back?” Again, points for being articulate, Vocabulary Drew…

-        “Is that what you are looking for? Someone to join that picture? Of you and Camilla?” WOULD HE BE LOOKING FOR ANYTHING ELSE, HARE?! Was that question so that America would feel like Whoo-an Pablo had been thoroughly vetted?

-        Let us close with a quote from Whoo-an Pablo, about next season: “Iss gonna be eeenteresting.”

Faux Pas:
-        Dez to Chris: “You’re always so calm, cool and collected.” I mean, has the woman ever opened a book, anywhere? EVER?! It’s COOL, CALM, AND COLLECTED.

-        “I had time to run those things over my head…” I wrote this one down, but looking back, I’m not even actually sure if it was Dez or Brooks, who said it. It’s seriously a toss-up. I would believe that either of them had actually run their head over with something…

-        Hare: Is there anything you regret?
Brooks: I’m sure there are.
Oh Brooks. Your mother and sister might have been too busy brainwashing you, to bother teaching you about singular and plural verbs, when they were homeshooling you, but one does not use “are” to claim a single thing they might have regretted. Unless you were trying to tell us that there were very many things you regretted. But much like the Victoria’s Secret ad, I just don’t think that the Grammar Nazis were your target demographic…

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Brooks Wanted to Forego A LOT of Things...

        Let’s start with 5:36 pm tonight, when the following conversation took place between my roommate, who was landing at LAX, and myself:

(And in case you’re wondering: it’s not accidental that her name is Carolyn and she’s in my phone as “Jason Street.” I’m in her phone as “Tim Riggins.” Don’t even worry about it.)

        Here’s what happened: Dez went on dates with Chris and Drew. They chose to forego their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. No one was surprised.
        Here’s the thing about Brooks-A-Million: boy was afraid of getting his heart broken. He didn’t know how strongly Dez felt about him, thought there was a possibility that she might not choose him, and decided to bow out early. She cried. They didn’t even play an episode blooper during the credits, because the ending was so dismal. She wept.
        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. Did I mention that Dez shed tears last night? And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Fantasy Date With Drew:

- Throughout the whole picnic, I just kept muttering, “Brooks… Brooks… and Brooks…” between every other word of Dez’s...

- They’re so sweaty right now. And not in a good way.

- Oh Dez. That isn’t kissing in the rain.

Good try, though...

And you didn’t plan that dinner, either. Clearly Bachelorette Intern Jacob* didn’t update his weather app to a Madeira zip code, when he planned their picnic under the stars…

- May we talk about how that digital camera that Drew had was so brand spankin’ new that they hadn’t even had time to select the option to REMOVE the time stamp on each picture? So there were huge yellow letters across Dez’s teeth, in that snapshot of them. Not a good look for her.

- Clearly Dez is so sick of the interviews at this point that she takes shots of tequila with Jacob, beforehand, cause all we’re getting today is this sloppy, redundant Dez, who actually has less to say than Sober Dez does, but the liquid courage significantly diminishes her fear of repeating herself…

- Drew really, REALLY wants to wish Dez a good morning.

Questions I have:

- Has Hare… EVER said a heartfelt “I’m sorry” to a contestant like he’s saying it to Dez, in this preview right now?

- Are you gonna have steel drums in your house, with all the other Antiguan knick-knacks you’re buying today, Drew? Are you?!

- Has Drew ever cut up a pineapple in his life? Much less eaten one? Ever?

- Does the rain mean that Drew gets to pass Go, collect two hundred and- oh yep. He’s in the fantasy suite. He took the express train.

- Anyone remember how Jesse Csinscak told DeAnna that he had to ask her Dad, before going to the Fantasy Suite with her?

Memorable Quotes:
- About Brooks, we hear Dez say,“He almost doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me, for me to know.” MAAAAYDAYYY

I’m pretty sure I’ve used that picture in at least every other commentary this season. For those of you that don’t recognize it, you should probably just stop reading this commentary. HELLO: It’s the Genie, from Disney’s Aladdin, when he is providing commentary (See what I did, there? yuk yuk yuk) on Aladdin’s conversation with Jasmine, as it goes down in flames.

- Grace: You don’t pull over for a … peck. You pull over for a make out.
…Am I right?!
Carolyn: I think he would have made out with her. I think she ah, cut that one short, I feel as though.

- “His abs, his eyes, his face, his body, um, I don’t know, ummm.” I will NOT dignify this attempt at a sentence with any further remarks.

- “What could make a better date than limbo?” I can think of a lot of things, DezzyRoo.
- The guy making those roses and hearts out of reeds, circa EVERY street corner EVER in downtown Charleston: “If the kiss is sloppy, you gotta do it over… Kiss… kiiiiss… intenseeee.” Maybe that guy should be the next Bachelor.

Brooks’ Meltdown, Part I:
- “Seeing how my family has really helped to guide my feelings…”
…Am I the only one who is envisioning THIS, when Brooks says that?

- Clearly Mama and Sis are ELATED to have Brooks-A-Million back in their clutches. At the end of their little Family Meeting, Ma and Sis are clearly satisfied that they’ve lured Brooks back in, keeping him at their disposal as their little Bachelor Brooks…

- WHY DOES BROOKS HAVE TO TAKE THIS WHOLE PROPOSAL THING SO SERIOUSLY?! Brooks. This isn’t real life, sweetheart. It’s BachelorNation. GET. A. GRIP. Just propose already. This is not hard. You don’t even have to pay for the Neil Lane ring…

- Brooks explained that Madeira was “where I’ll have the exotic date with Dez.” The eyebrow raise from the sister definitely indicated that she somehow thought Brooks was talking about a date at a strip club…

- Brooks tried to rationalize that maybe Dez was also shaking her head, dealing with doubts and whatnot.
…I think I got whiplash during this section, because I was shaking my head so ferociously… 

- It was during this whole ordeal that Carolyn uttered one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite shows. (She knows the line because I’m pretty sure I find a way to say it at least once an hour.)

Matthew Perry’s Ryan King, ladies and gentlemen. So insightful right now. 

Fantasy Date With Chris:

- So glad Chris raised his glass and instead of exclaiming “Cheers!” he declared, “Toast!”

- I’m pretty sure stepping out of a helicopter ONTO THE SAND must be one of the worst things ever.

- It took Dez and exorbitant amount of time to say “yeah, I could move to Seattle,” when Chris asked about their future. I would now like to quote Kacey Musgraves: “No matter where we go/you’ll never be alone/anywhere beside you is a place that I’ll call home…” That’s what my succinct reply would have been.

- Can we just let the record show: No one has EVER turned down a fantasy suite offer. Ever. Even little virgin Sadie, on Lorenzo’s season, still WENT TO THE FANTASY SUITE.

- Oh goodie, it’s POETRY TIME!
- Upon hearing actual vocals on a music track played underneath a make-out, I half-expected Chris and Dez to turn and realize they were being serenaded by a live band… It would definitely be the first time any musician had ever made it to the Fantasy Suite. (Unless you count the brief musical career of our Favorite Intern Jacob, cause we all know he was on that date, swinging a squeaky door back and forth, throughout the entire date, including when they got to the suite (Did anyone else hear that?) . He had a short stint as an indie rocker, with his band CrucificGLORIOUS, which was quickly shut down by Friday Night Lights, due to copyright infringement. To this day he still calls himself “a musician.”)

Questions I have:
- Are Dez and Chris just going to pretend like they WEREN’T surprised by that wave, just now, when they were TOTALLY dry, and just walking along the shore?
- No but seriously: what's up with that squeaking in the background of this ENTIRE date?

Memorable Quotes:
- Upon seeing Dez’s abs, at the beginning of her date with Chris, I turned to Carolyn and said, “My stomach looks like that, right?” She didn’t even look up from her phone as she replied, “I’m reading about it right now and Dez says ‘my secret is that I love food!’ This is ridiculous.”
Grace: No but like, you look at the screen and you get confused because you immediately think that’s me, when you see those abs, right?”

- “Des and I are literally on top of the world right now, it feels amazing.” No, Chris, you’re at sea level.

- “I’ll be there in sad times. I’ll be there to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her I love her..” Oh, is that all you do in sad times? Relationships must be so easy for Chris…

- I just… I’m all resentful that Chris is so normal and mundane, and then he says something like this: “Dez makes me feel vibrant…”

Brooks’ Meltdown, Part II:

- Hare asked some insightful questions, and basically all but begged Brooks to stay, knowing the Fifty Shades of Tears that he would have to put up with, if Brooks leaves…

- As soon as Brooks and Dez sit down… Dez knows. She knows.

- Dez is being so patient with Brooks’ attempt at a speech right now. OUT WITH IT, BROOKSIE.

- Oh she has gone into Bachelorette Ugly Crying Mode.


- Hey Dez… Sweetie… when you curl up like that, with your head literally between your legs, it amplifies the sound of your microphone. STOP IT.

- She has now moved from the crying phase of grieving into the anger phase. There’s resentment.

- Brooks has now put his head in his hands, in attempt to mirror Dez’s Grieving Position, as if to say, “I CAN DO IT TOO!”



Questions I have:
- Have we EVER seen a contestant on the week of Fantasy Dates… arriving?

- Can’t Dez SUE the ABC Shrink for emotional damage, for leading her on like this, in the interview before the date today?

- Was Jacob yelling “BROOKS, DUCK DOWN FURTHER; we can’t have your hair giving away your identiy when we preview this clip of Dez…”

- How long was she crying on this dock, before Jacob lured her inside with some imported In-N-Out burger?

Can we just take a second, here?

1) We’ve seen this before:

That’s right. It was when our beloved Frank:

Left Ali:


Second only to the death of agent Michael Vaughn on Alias, it was pretty much the worst day of my life.

2)      But wait… Where ELSE have we seen this kind of crying? Oh, that’s right:

Except Brooks didn’t express himself as eloquently as a one Noah Calhoun. He went for the debatably-abrasive “I just don’t feel like the moments apart are hard enough…”

Memorable Quotes:
- “Hopefully the conversation with Chris Harrison today will make things easier…” Doesn’t it always?

- “So you have to tell her these things, Brooks. How does that weigh on you?” LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU: OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS WITH HARE. 

- “I don’t care that you broke my heart; I love you.” Dez… Sweetie… that line only works in Rom Coms and in a completely different context… Please don’t do that again.

- “I’ve done everything by myself and that’s why I was hoping to meet someone I could share my life with.” Ohhhh I actually felt that one, Dez. That was a knife to the gut, right there.

- And Brooks summed up the whole afternoon perfectly: “That was way worse than I thought it was gonna be.”



- When carefully trying to say nice things about Dez (but not too nice, so as to let their little Brooks run off and marry her) Brooks’ sister was talking about how Dez wasn’t overwhelmed by their family, and how “she doesn’t even phase…” Unless she was trying to imply that Dez is a werewolf, I believe she meant to say “she isn’t fazed by anything.”

- “Physicality is there…” If this is truly what Brooks meant to say, then he would be telling us that her… physical stance… exists. I took plenty of classes on this in college; it’s totally a valid remark. However, I do believe he was getting at: the PHYSICAL ATTRACTION is there.

- “I have no doubt her and I are sharing the same feelings.” Oh Chris. Christopher. Christopher Robin. My little poet. DO WE NEED TO GO OVER GENERAL RULES FOR PRONOUNS?!

- “If this were to work out with you and I…” OHHH HURT ME BAD, TOPHER!

- “Today is going to just be Brooks and I…” I think… I think I should give Dez a break on this one…

- “You wish it was here. You wish it was Dez.” Hare, don’t do this to me. Don’t. I know you secretly have a PhD in psychotherapy, but didn’t they teach you about the subjunctive mood, at some point?

- “Don’t misunderstand the fact that I don’t care for you. I do.” Oh this was a gem from Brooks. It would have read more clearly as “don’t misinterpret this as ‘me not caring for you.’ I do.” But somewhere between making his impossibly greasy hair even more greasy, and doing some serious ugly crying, Brooks-A-Million got his words mixed up.

Two final, parting thoughts:
1)      How unfortunate for Drew and Chris to hear tonight that Dez spent her dates with them wishing she was with Brooks?! Sheesh.

2)      I do find it interesting to compare what a Bachelor or Bachelorette missed out on, and what they chose. For example, I think that even though Ashley didn’t end up with Brad (DON’T get me started on Brad) she ended up with JP.
That being said, let’s look at how Dez’s possible outcomes stack up:

…I’m just saying.

If you’re a bird, I’m a-

I can’t. I can’t even say it.

*For reasons of which I’m entirely sure, I was really into Bachelorette Intern Jacob in this post. I feel the need to clarify: he’s not real. He, 100%, does NOT exist. Neither does CrucificGLORIOUS, but that one was pretty good, wasn’t it?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

...Can We Just Stay at a Marriott, Next Time?

       So this post is delayed, but it's actually awesome, cause I could take screen shots, since I watched online. 

         HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED: In no way whatsoever did the men of this season “tell all” in this episode, the only maybe juicy detail that surfaced was that Dan (a guy whom no one remembers) told Ben that he was approached by his Baby Mama in Vegas, who disclosed that Ben was not a man of the noblest character. And next week, surprise:

          It’s gonna be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! And Hare has said that before, but THIS TIME HE REALLY MEANS IT.

Straight from the horse’s mouth, people.

        Ahem, to whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

-        Well Dez has CERTAINLY been logging in some hours working with the Bachelorette personal trainer- looks like GIRL HAS BEEN DOING SOME SQUATS AND LUNGES.

- Loved Hare’s smile after he said the words “right reasons.” Yuk yuk yuk.*

- …The Mesnicks… And the baby…

- I am LOVING this grandma in the front row…

- There are SO many hair extensions happening right now, between these former bachelorettes

- Ohhhh Ali just called The Wrestler “Rated R.” Are we really going to dignify his existence by using his stage name?

- The knight… going through the metal detector…

- James and Ben are watching Zak, right now, wishing that they could be in his shoes. Wishing so badly that they'd played their cards more shrewdly…

- I mean, sure, Jonathan shouldn’t have done the fantasy suite. But he was also hammered. And his embarrassed reaction right now is so appropriate. Wait he’s apologizing right now. Waaaait I’m loving Jonathan right now...

- Barrister Michael definitely just attempted to feel up Juan Pablo, to see if he had the Lone Ranger star on him…

- I still think Robert was the best-looking one in the bunch. Robert. Maybe I’ll make him a street sign about it.


Way to plant, Ann.

- I will NEVER tire of this man pow wow, between Drew, Kasey, Michael G and Brooks, in the hotel room in Germany. Poor Brooksie is just being dragged along for the ride, but his facial expressions are too good.

- I love how Chris is trying to shush everyone, during this meltdown of James’.

- Kasey’s clothes are so tight. They are SO tight. If my memory serves me correctly, his clothes were also unusually #tight for the #premiere.

- Mikey might not remember what was said four months ago, BUT KASEY #DOES.

- If they DON’T stop showing Dez talking in this stupid attempt at an accent, I WILL throw up.

- I think “salsa is easy” for everyone… but Dez.

- Hare, Juan Pablo is not a Don Juan. Neither metaphorically nor literally. Stop trying to vet him on national television, he can be the next Bachelor. Enough, already.

- I think Zak might be wearing the same suit and shirt at the MTA that he was on the night that he left. Clearly he’s having trouble accepting these abs rejection.

- I was already sold on Zak as the next Bachelor. But when he showed what it’s like to be a 31 year old guy roaming around, trolling for ladies, I became COMPLETELY SOLD.

- And then THIS happened:

Anyone else feeling a little awkward? Even solely about the fact that Hare happened to have a light on him, that was capable of reading said invisible ink? OR THE FACT THAT HE HAD THE JOURNAL IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

- Hare and I actually had the same facial expression, after the invisible note was read:
Not bad at all... 

- Wait… You guys… I’m in LOVE with Jonathan.

- Dez’s remark about Zak hiding behind his smile, and ultimately what kind of partner he would make for her if he was constantly trying to stay positive all the time… was strangely insightful.


Questions I have:
- Is she really wearing two button-downs, on top of each other right now, to crash these BachelorNation parties? Was Bachelorette Intern Jacob put in charge of wardrobe that night?

- And how is it that Dez and Hare could have staged a surprise from the window WHEN THE GLEAMING LIGHT OF THE CAMERA WAS BEHIND THEM?!


- Is Ali’s hair… gray? Is she a silver fox, right now? Is she?

- Why is Mikey not wearing socks? Did the knight take them, to avoid chafing?

- Is it too much to ask that Hare STOP saying the word “bad boys?” (Update: apparently, based on Dez’s use of “Whatchu gonna do” and subsequent chuckle, it IS too much to ask…)


- Did Mikey and James go out on that boat (the one that Vocabulary Drew told us would have illegal activities) to get their story straight?

- I just… who’s this guy? I want to know. 

And now that I examine the picture more closely, in the row behind him, the woman in pink (NOT the Diane Lane look-alike who they cut away to 95 different times, to show her dropped jaw) but the woman directly behind him… Is she wearing a duster? Remember those long-ass sweater things from like, twelve years ago?

- What IS IT with this continual mention of these TALL women that Mikey and James were going to meet??! Has anyone else noticed that Kasey has continued to mention the height of these "Plan B" (really wealthy and really long-legged) women??

- Why is Who-aan Pablo wearing a coat and scarf for this question and answer session, in the Mr. America Competition?

- Ok did I actually fall asleep during the premiere, or did we NEVER see this clip of Who-aan Pablo telling Dez about his daughter? ‘Cause the Mr. America Comp was the first memory I have of hearing about her…

- "How about we stay at a Mariott next time?" Yuk yuk yuk.* Steamed armadillos all around.

- Is the finale going to be a two-parter, Hare? Is it?! I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUU.

- Wait, did we hear the part about the light and invisible ink, when Zak gave her the antique journal? Have I seriously been asleep through this whole season?

- And why is it, exactly, that Kasey and Chris were just chillin’ in this hot tub, in a random hotel room, during the blooper reel? Anyone? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not #upset about it, but one has to #wonder…

- Is there some kind of legal obligation, keeping these men from saying, “I’m so sorry, I was completely wasted, I didn’t mean to do that…” ? Cause my boy Jonathan could use that one, right about now. Whatever. Jono, call me. 

Memorable Quotes:

- “It’s great to know that they’re so comfortable with me and that they feel like they already know me…” NO, DEZ, it’s a sad commentary on the myth of reality television. Didn’t your parents teach you that one, when you were living in a teepee?

- Ashley: they’re welcoming us with open arms.
   JP: And open bars.
   Grace: Has JP always been this funny?

- Emily: “How was Hollywood, Ben? Did you get your… drinks?!” Well I dunno, Emily. Did he?

- Juan Pablo: “I guess I got some friends and some not that… friends.”

- Barrister Michael said the word “drama,” which gave Hare a segue to cue the “Drama Reel,” and the passion with which he executed this move was as though he were a magician, huddled down in a closet, waiting for someone to say “WONDER”

- Drew: “Dez is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” Cut it with the hyperboles, already.

- Hare, for the win: “We gave Brian the chance to be here, and he chose not to. So we’re gonna... choose to talk about him.”

- “I hope not one of these guys is the same around a girl as they are around their friends. I mean, you shouldn’t be. It’s a GIRL.” Ohhh Ben, you took it just a liiiiitle too far, right then.

- Mike pointed out to Ben, “I think that you have this idea of The Bachelorette, where it’s Ben and Dez date for six weeks and then get married.”
       Ben: “what’s wrong with that?” Oh Ben. Your roots are showing. Long live Dixie.

- Chris just asked James to tell him exactly what was said to Mikey in the car that night.
Anyone remember that incredible interrogation scene from season 2, where Carrie got Nick to confess what he knew? 

- “Somebody’s gonna have to be the next Bachelor.” James is clearly ready to take one for the team.

- James whined, “My integrity was stripped. My character was stripped from me.” I could be wrong, but aren’t those two attributes like, the two big ones that the dying parent references, in those semi-feel-good movies? You know the scene: the parent is dying, and the oldest kid (that has to now take over the family) comes in to say goodbye to them, and Dear Old Dying Dad says something like, “The Union can take the farm, son. They can take our land. BUT THEY CAN’T TAKE AWAY YOUR INTEGRITY…(*breathes his last. Son sobs*)

…No? Did I take it too far, just then? It was the “Union” reference, wasn’t it?
Pshh. Yankees. 

- “In the history of this show, we’ve never had a contestant be a bigger fan favorite, with less screen time than this guy. Welcome with me: Juan Pablo.”
OK LISTEN. Don’t get me wrong, Who-aan Pablo seems cool. Neat… Nice.
But I’m 95% sure that if you took away the soccer stardom and the accent, he wouldn’t be such a “fan-favorite.” And about that, I have to say: soccer stardom and an accent just… aren’t that… interesting, in my book. For instance, Jillian Harris was a favorite (let’s be real: she’s my favorite Bachelorette of all time, ever) because she was hilarious and could judge people based on what kind of toppings they liked on their hot dogs. See where I’m going, here? Soccer stardom and hot dog toppings judgments just aren’t in the same league, Hare. Ohhhhh they’re setting WP up to be the next Bachelor. We’ve had one from London and now we’re gonna get one from Venezuela.

- Zak: “I love Juan Pablo. He has a daughter, though.” So there's a little judgment from Zachery, no?

- “Let’s talk about your love affair with Dez…” Was it a love affair, Hare? Cause not only does that word’s affiliation belong on the Alyssa Milano show that airs AFTER The Bachelorette, but according to the OED, the primary use of “affair” is for a “task.” (And yes, you read that correctly: I don’t mess around with, I have a guy who gets me a thing, through the University of Memphis, so I can use the Oxford English Dictionary for free. And by “guy,” I mean “my brother.” So in case you were wondering: “affair” is of Anglo-Norman and Middle French origin.)

- Hare: Are you still in love with Dez?
   Zak: Yeah, it won’t go away. Whoa, my heart actually skipped a beat on that one, Zachery. They say love don't come easy... But not to worry: record deals and number one hits in Mexico do. 

- Obvious Obsessions with Hare: “You know Dez is here tonight. You know she’s going to come out here in just a second.” Is the finale going to be a two-parter, Hare?

- “I hate porta potties…” Well geez, Dez, have you ever met anyone who LOVES them?

- “I want someone who I can give my heart to, and know that they will never wanna break it…” Dear Dez, if THAT’S your biggest concern at this point in the game, I think we got probz.

- “I’m truly, madly, deeply in love with Dez.” Do you wanna bathe with her in the sea too, Chris? Live like this forever, until the sky falls down on you? Do you?!

The verbal faux pas in this episode were pretty intense, but emotions were running high, what did we expect? Literacy?
- About the BachelorNation fans, Hare asserted, “They’re vested in Dez’s life.” Not only did he mean to say invested, but there’s no way to misuse this word and get away with it. They can have a vested interest in her life, but they are not VESTED, Hare. (Unless he meant to say they all wear vests. In which case, I stand corrected.)

- “Ashley and JP were like, America’s Sweetest Couple.” Oh Dez. You meant to say “America’s sweethearts.” Which is actually incorrect, as well. Because Ashley and JP weren’t. JOHN CUSACK AND CATHERINE ZETA-JONES WERE. Didn’t you see that movie?

- In an attempt to be Carrie Mathison, Hare recounted the facts of the fateful car ride where James became known as our next Bachelor Hopeful, which consisted of: “There was four guys in the van.” Was there, Chris? WAS THERE FOUR GUYS?!

- And finally, James: “I can’t remember every little thing that have happened.”

…Is that what you had said?

If you're a bird, I'm a bird,

*Lest anyone be confused about the definition of a yuk yuk joke, it is a joke after which one makes the "yuk yuk" noise, as they chortle to themselves. Sean's Dad pulling a fried armadillo out of the oven on Emily's hometown date with him constitutes a "yuk yuk joke."