Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Brooks Wanted to Forego A LOT of Things...

        Let’s start with 5:36 pm tonight, when the following conversation took place between my roommate, who was landing at LAX, and myself:

(And in case you’re wondering: it’s not accidental that her name is Carolyn and she’s in my phone as “Jason Street.” I’m in her phone as “Tim Riggins.” Don’t even worry about it.)

        Here’s what happened: Dez went on dates with Chris and Drew. They chose to forego their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. No one was surprised.
        Here’s the thing about Brooks-A-Million: boy was afraid of getting his heart broken. He didn’t know how strongly Dez felt about him, thought there was a possibility that she might not choose him, and decided to bow out early. She cried. They didn’t even play an episode blooper during the credits, because the ending was so dismal. She wept.
        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. Did I mention that Dez shed tears last night? And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Fantasy Date With Drew:

- Throughout the whole picnic, I just kept muttering, “Brooks… Brooks… and Brooks…” between every other word of Dez’s...

- They’re so sweaty right now. And not in a good way.

- Oh Dez. That isn’t kissing in the rain.

Good try, though...

And you didn’t plan that dinner, either. Clearly Bachelorette Intern Jacob* didn’t update his weather app to a Madeira zip code, when he planned their picnic under the stars…

- May we talk about how that digital camera that Drew had was so brand spankin’ new that they hadn’t even had time to select the option to REMOVE the time stamp on each picture? So there were huge yellow letters across Dez’s teeth, in that snapshot of them. Not a good look for her.

- Clearly Dez is so sick of the interviews at this point that she takes shots of tequila with Jacob, beforehand, cause all we’re getting today is this sloppy, redundant Dez, who actually has less to say than Sober Dez does, but the liquid courage significantly diminishes her fear of repeating herself…

- Drew really, REALLY wants to wish Dez a good morning.

Questions I have:

- Has Hare… EVER said a heartfelt “I’m sorry” to a contestant like he’s saying it to Dez, in this preview right now?

- Are you gonna have steel drums in your house, with all the other Antiguan knick-knacks you’re buying today, Drew? Are you?!

- Has Drew ever cut up a pineapple in his life? Much less eaten one? Ever?

- Does the rain mean that Drew gets to pass Go, collect two hundred and- oh yep. He’s in the fantasy suite. He took the express train.

- Anyone remember how Jesse Csinscak told DeAnna that he had to ask her Dad, before going to the Fantasy Suite with her?

Memorable Quotes:
- About Brooks, we hear Dez say,“He almost doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me, for me to know.” MAAAAYDAYYY

I’m pretty sure I’ve used that picture in at least every other commentary this season. For those of you that don’t recognize it, you should probably just stop reading this commentary. HELLO: It’s the Genie, from Disney’s Aladdin, when he is providing commentary (See what I did, there? yuk yuk yuk) on Aladdin’s conversation with Jasmine, as it goes down in flames.

- Grace: You don’t pull over for a … peck. You pull over for a make out.
…Am I right?!
Carolyn: I think he would have made out with her. I think she ah, cut that one short, I feel as though.

- “His abs, his eyes, his face, his body, um, I don’t know, ummm.” I will NOT dignify this attempt at a sentence with any further remarks.

- “What could make a better date than limbo?” I can think of a lot of things, DezzyRoo.
- The guy making those roses and hearts out of reeds, circa EVERY street corner EVER in downtown Charleston: “If the kiss is sloppy, you gotta do it over… Kiss… kiiiiss… intenseeee.” Maybe that guy should be the next Bachelor.

Brooks’ Meltdown, Part I:
- “Seeing how my family has really helped to guide my feelings…”
…Am I the only one who is envisioning THIS, when Brooks says that?

- Clearly Mama and Sis are ELATED to have Brooks-A-Million back in their clutches. At the end of their little Family Meeting, Ma and Sis are clearly satisfied that they’ve lured Brooks back in, keeping him at their disposal as their little Bachelor Brooks…

- WHY DOES BROOKS HAVE TO TAKE THIS WHOLE PROPOSAL THING SO SERIOUSLY?! Brooks. This isn’t real life, sweetheart. It’s BachelorNation. GET. A. GRIP. Just propose already. This is not hard. You don’t even have to pay for the Neil Lane ring…

- Brooks explained that Madeira was “where I’ll have the exotic date with Dez.” The eyebrow raise from the sister definitely indicated that she somehow thought Brooks was talking about a date at a strip club…

- Brooks tried to rationalize that maybe Dez was also shaking her head, dealing with doubts and whatnot.
…I think I got whiplash during this section, because I was shaking my head so ferociously… 

- It was during this whole ordeal that Carolyn uttered one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite shows. (She knows the line because I’m pretty sure I find a way to say it at least once an hour.)

Matthew Perry’s Ryan King, ladies and gentlemen. So insightful right now. 

Fantasy Date With Chris:

- So glad Chris raised his glass and instead of exclaiming “Cheers!” he declared, “Toast!”

- I’m pretty sure stepping out of a helicopter ONTO THE SAND must be one of the worst things ever.

- It took Dez and exorbitant amount of time to say “yeah, I could move to Seattle,” when Chris asked about their future. I would now like to quote Kacey Musgraves: “No matter where we go/you’ll never be alone/anywhere beside you is a place that I’ll call home…” That’s what my succinct reply would have been.

- Can we just let the record show: No one has EVER turned down a fantasy suite offer. Ever. Even little virgin Sadie, on Lorenzo’s season, still WENT TO THE FANTASY SUITE.

- Oh goodie, it’s POETRY TIME!
- Upon hearing actual vocals on a music track played underneath a make-out, I half-expected Chris and Dez to turn and realize they were being serenaded by a live band… It would definitely be the first time any musician had ever made it to the Fantasy Suite. (Unless you count the brief musical career of our Favorite Intern Jacob, cause we all know he was on that date, swinging a squeaky door back and forth, throughout the entire date, including when they got to the suite (Did anyone else hear that?) . He had a short stint as an indie rocker, with his band CrucificGLORIOUS, which was quickly shut down by Friday Night Lights, due to copyright infringement. To this day he still calls himself “a musician.”)

Questions I have:
- Are Dez and Chris just going to pretend like they WEREN’T surprised by that wave, just now, when they were TOTALLY dry, and just walking along the shore?
- No but seriously: what's up with that squeaking in the background of this ENTIRE date?

Memorable Quotes:
- Upon seeing Dez’s abs, at the beginning of her date with Chris, I turned to Carolyn and said, “My stomach looks like that, right?” She didn’t even look up from her phone as she replied, “I’m reading about it right now and Dez says ‘my secret is that I love food!’ This is ridiculous.”
Grace: No but like, you look at the screen and you get confused because you immediately think that’s me, when you see those abs, right?”

- “Des and I are literally on top of the world right now, it feels amazing.” No, Chris, you’re at sea level.

- “I’ll be there in sad times. I’ll be there to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her I love her..” Oh, is that all you do in sad times? Relationships must be so easy for Chris…

- I just… I’m all resentful that Chris is so normal and mundane, and then he says something like this: “Dez makes me feel vibrant…”

Brooks’ Meltdown, Part II:

- Hare asked some insightful questions, and basically all but begged Brooks to stay, knowing the Fifty Shades of Tears that he would have to put up with, if Brooks leaves…

- As soon as Brooks and Dez sit down… Dez knows. She knows.

- Dez is being so patient with Brooks’ attempt at a speech right now. OUT WITH IT, BROOKSIE.

- Oh she has gone into Bachelorette Ugly Crying Mode.


- Hey Dez… Sweetie… when you curl up like that, with your head literally between your legs, it amplifies the sound of your microphone. STOP IT.

- She has now moved from the crying phase of grieving into the anger phase. There’s resentment.

- Brooks has now put his head in his hands, in attempt to mirror Dez’s Grieving Position, as if to say, “I CAN DO IT TOO!”



Questions I have:
- Have we EVER seen a contestant on the week of Fantasy Dates… arriving?

- Can’t Dez SUE the ABC Shrink for emotional damage, for leading her on like this, in the interview before the date today?

- Was Jacob yelling “BROOKS, DUCK DOWN FURTHER; we can’t have your hair giving away your identiy when we preview this clip of Dez…”

- How long was she crying on this dock, before Jacob lured her inside with some imported In-N-Out burger?

Can we just take a second, here?

1) We’ve seen this before:

That’s right. It was when our beloved Frank:

Left Ali:


Second only to the death of agent Michael Vaughn on Alias, it was pretty much the worst day of my life.

2)      But wait… Where ELSE have we seen this kind of crying? Oh, that’s right:

Except Brooks didn’t express himself as eloquently as a one Noah Calhoun. He went for the debatably-abrasive “I just don’t feel like the moments apart are hard enough…”

Memorable Quotes:
- “Hopefully the conversation with Chris Harrison today will make things easier…” Doesn’t it always?

- “So you have to tell her these things, Brooks. How does that weigh on you?” LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU: OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS WITH HARE. 

- “I don’t care that you broke my heart; I love you.” Dez… Sweetie… that line only works in Rom Coms and in a completely different context… Please don’t do that again.

- “I’ve done everything by myself and that’s why I was hoping to meet someone I could share my life with.” Ohhhh I actually felt that one, Dez. That was a knife to the gut, right there.

- And Brooks summed up the whole afternoon perfectly: “That was way worse than I thought it was gonna be.”



- When carefully trying to say nice things about Dez (but not too nice, so as to let their little Brooks run off and marry her) Brooks’ sister was talking about how Dez wasn’t overwhelmed by their family, and how “she doesn’t even phase…” Unless she was trying to imply that Dez is a werewolf, I believe she meant to say “she isn’t fazed by anything.”

- “Physicality is there…” If this is truly what Brooks meant to say, then he would be telling us that her… physical stance… exists. I took plenty of classes on this in college; it’s totally a valid remark. However, I do believe he was getting at: the PHYSICAL ATTRACTION is there.

- “I have no doubt her and I are sharing the same feelings.” Oh Chris. Christopher. Christopher Robin. My little poet. DO WE NEED TO GO OVER GENERAL RULES FOR PRONOUNS?!

- “If this were to work out with you and I…” OHHH HURT ME BAD, TOPHER!

- “Today is going to just be Brooks and I…” I think… I think I should give Dez a break on this one…

- “You wish it was here. You wish it was Dez.” Hare, don’t do this to me. Don’t. I know you secretly have a PhD in psychotherapy, but didn’t they teach you about the subjunctive mood, at some point?

- “Don’t misunderstand the fact that I don’t care for you. I do.” Oh this was a gem from Brooks. It would have read more clearly as “don’t misinterpret this as ‘me not caring for you.’ I do.” But somewhere between making his impossibly greasy hair even more greasy, and doing some serious ugly crying, Brooks-A-Million got his words mixed up.

Two final, parting thoughts:
1)      How unfortunate for Drew and Chris to hear tonight that Dez spent her dates with them wishing she was with Brooks?! Sheesh.

2)      I do find it interesting to compare what a Bachelor or Bachelorette missed out on, and what they chose. For example, I think that even though Ashley didn’t end up with Brad (DON’T get me started on Brad) she ended up with JP.
That being said, let’s look at how Dez’s possible outcomes stack up:

…I’m just saying.

If you’re a bird, I’m a-

I can’t. I can’t even say it.

*For reasons of which I’m entirely sure, I was really into Bachelorette Intern Jacob in this post. I feel the need to clarify: he’s not real. He, 100%, does NOT exist. Neither does CrucificGLORIOUS, but that one was pretty good, wasn’t it?

1 comment:

  1. The verbal faux pas are definitely my favorite. However, I do have to correct you on one fact this week. There was once a lady who turned down the fantasy suite. It was on Byron's season (which is why I call her a lady because they were all pretty much old), and he gave her the boot because of it. Can't remember her name.

    Brooks or Juan Pablo for bachelor??