Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Husbands and Health Insurance

You guys know how I feel about the second episode. It is a wealth of good TV. They're still in Los Angeles so the group dates are really specific and strangely niche (see: scientists testing Ben Higgins' pheromones, or a museum of broken relationships) and there are still plenty of crazy dudes around so we get a lot of amazing soundbites. (See: WABOOM

A few announcements:
1) Still waiting on Jim Comey's testimony. Stoked. 
2) Oh, I cut off over 12 inches of my hair on a whim and I feel GREAT about it. I would encourage everyone to do the same. 
3) Did the Preds win the Stanley cup or no? #SportzGamez

The evening began with a phone call from esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Katie Bocksel. You might recognize her name from being the first one that is tagged in the Facebook post each week. She’s very famous. She also has a boyfriend who is Boyfriend of the Year. He is so invested in The Bachelor franchise in the most devoted way and he is here for ALL the right reasons. I told him that I would send him a medal for this prestigious award. I still have yet to make that medal. But I’m announcing it here to keep me accountable. This Bud's for you, Patrick.

Katie informed me that not only was WaBoom pretty mellow on the date, but she said that the basketball group date was a LOT and I needed to be prepared for it. 
Image result for emma stone this is the best gif

So glad Rachel’s dog can help her get ready. But seriously are we gonna get an explanation about his gimp condition? AMERICA WANTS ANSWERS. (This Living Room does, anyway) I wonder how much extra they had to shell out to allow Copper to stay at this Westlake Hotel cause he looks like he is a SHEDDER. 

Meanwhile, back on the farm, Hare explains the layout of the week to the men. As if no one has ever seen this show before. As if none of these men even own TVs. DeMario talks about how nice Rachel smells… What is this, a camp cabin time?

Group Date: Husband Material
 Dean, Jack, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Jamey, Fred, Lucas 

In the house, the dudes seem to be into the Waboom thing, honestly. I don't know why they're giving that guy the time of day. Which mostly reminds me of why I love dudes. You guys remember the bus of dudes on that group date with JoJo where they were freestyle rapping? Dudes are the greatest. 

Image result for emma stone this is the best gif

Rachel is 100% not grilling ANYTHING on this grill right now. Craft Services is probably real upset that they aren't getting credit. I don’t understand why Westlake Village is sponsoring the Bachelorette this season, but I’m here for it. 

Blake is not having any of WaBoom right now. And I’m really not having any of the fact that WaBoom has covered his ENTIRE face in orange foundation.

Carolyn’s and my reaction to seeing Ashton Kutcher is like the girls seeing the Backstreet Boys last season. THIS MAN IS AGING LIKE A FINE WINE and is an inspiration to Dads everywhere. 

This baby/husbandry obstacle course is everything. This is a masterpiece of production. The producers outdit themselves on this one. THE HAIR ROPE WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING,

So glad that Mila is interested in men that have jobs and health insurance. Did I tell you guys that I proposed to the Kroger pharmacist last week, just for his healthcare? I was picking up a prescription for my Mom and pulled out my card and he says, "Oh, it's free." And I was like, "That's because they've already met their deductible because they're not young single women." And he was like, "Well that's a benefit to being married, I guess." And I said, "That, credit card points, and getting through all your groceries are my top three reasons to be talked into matrimony. I can't go through a thing of green onions by myself before they go bad!" He goes, "Me neither!" I responded, "Will you marry me? Jk don't worry, I won't make you do that, I don't live here. Can I buy these sugar cookies at this counter though? Thanks!" 

Totally kidding. No one asks me this. 

I love how seriously Mila explains “WaBoom” to Ashton. THEY ARE PROOF THAT TRUE LOVE IS REAL. WaBoom proceeds to win the obstacle course. I don't think anyone saw that coming. And honestly if I were Rachel, I'd be like, "Cool, but you ignored the rules of engagement. You don't get a medal." SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME INTEGRITY UP IN HERE.  

Rachel and WaBoom’s chemistry is worse than my chemistry with gluten free bagels... And I am so unmoved by poetry, honestly. Wait – just poetry on this show. We have NEVER heard a good poem on this show. Never once. I don't know how the Bachelorette manages to get emotional every time about some sloppy words! JoJo loved the bad poems. It's so weird. 

I also love that WaBoom can’t differentiate between WaBoom and Lucas. Very Lady Gaga of him.

Look, I'm not going to lie, I kind of really love Fred. She should give him a chance!!

Y'all Iggy is so sweaty!!! Why didn’t a PA dab off that sweat? MERCY. 

Rachel's lipstick job is a dead giveaway that she has clearly sucked face with someone by the time she's talking to Blake, but we don’t know who it is… My money is on Dean.

OMG BLAKE IS TELLING WABOOM THAT HE TOLD RACHEL HE’S HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS! He has done it so immediately after talking to Rachel! This is kind of unprecedented. Usually it comes up a few episodes later, but Blake is putting it all out there. 
Spoiler alert: they're not showing hearts... 

Y’all Dean, is so cute. Apparently he wasn’t the one with whom she has sucked face, so who is it?!?!
Ohhh we see Kenny go back to her and we are at pre-face suck… What is going on, you guys???
OH IT WAS DEAN, POST ROSE. OH HE HAS LIPSTICK EVERYWHERE. But that still doesn't explain why her lipstick was smeared earlier? I NEED SOME CHRONOLOGY UP IN HERE. 

One on One: Peter
Let me kick off this date by saying that I got one text from Gran this evening. It said “Hello, Peter.” Like Mother, like daughter. Peter looks like Dean’s older brother and I’m here for it.

BARKFESSSSTTTTT!!!! Get me there IMMEDIATELY. You know who loves dogs? Big Daddy. I’m just joking. He tells me how Catie pees on the rug like, everyday. But they’re still besties.

Also product placement for Curtis Sittenfeld's "Eligible"  

Sidenote: Did you guys see that commercial for the University of Phoenix? Some intense CGI thing set to an acoustic version of the Cranberries? That was crazy. Moving on. 

OMG LOOK AT PETER AND THAT DOUBLE BREASTED BLAZER I AM SLAIN PETER WILL YOU MARRY ME. Johnny Langan isn’t here tonight but he would be seriously holding a candle to my backside, ROASTING me for being so obsessed with Peter. (update: He texted me as he watched this morning and said "I caught about 12 seconds of that snoozefest one on one date") 

Also Copper must be very exhausted – what are her union rules on this shoot? And she LOVES Peter (you see her lying by his side at the dinner table?) and I’m here for her dog sense about him.

Look, between these gap teeth and Rachel and Peter both seeing a therapist in the same year… is it possible that they’re not soulmates but siblings separated at birth? Can we look into that?  (One time there was a couple that got married, only to find out they were brother and sister. I’m not lying. Google it)

Group Date: Swish
Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario

The way that we’re seeing this footage of DeMario talking about how he has what it takes and he’s confident like Derek Jeter… He must be the one with the girlfriend.

Clearly Rachel is NOT a good shot because we never see a continuous take of her making a basket. Just taking a shot, and then we cut to the ball going in the hoop, an obvious shot by a PA. Probably the same PA that had to jam a hair rope down a freestanding sink for the Husbandry Obstacle Course. 

Let me be clear: Big Daddy is pretty tall. He’s almost 6’6”. However, Kareem Abdul Jabbar puts Big Daddy to SHAME. I’d honestly really like to see KAJ in a game of Gotcha with Jim Comey. 

Mila and Ashton coming on the show and making everything about love is one thing. BUT KAREEM MAKING BASKETBALL ABOUT LOVE IS NEXT LEVEL.

I love this crowd of high schoolers. And I love that Chris Harrison has turned into a professional wrestling commentator as he introduces "Raaaaachel Lindsaaaaay." 

Not only is Lee not good at basketball, he is looking puffy AF. So I think he’s just drinking… all the things. And not water. I think that's why we got some weird soundbites from him in the mansion earlier. And I bet they're setting us up for when he says some really outlandish stuff next week (or is it the week after? Looks like he gets into it with Eric) 

Loved that one shot of the marching band kid. I wanna see more of him. I also love how willing Rachel is to get into everything. The Bark Fest, the Marching Band, the Cheerleaders. I’m here for it.

I keep thinking I like Will and then I remember he did that Steve Urkel thing to which I will quote Fitzwilliam Darcy: "My good opinion once lost is lost forever." 

DeMario's ex-girlfriend is one of the greatest things to ever hit this show. I love how she was SO ready to deliver her karma line and get her fifteen seconds of fame. You go, Glen Coco. Drop your bombshell line, girl. Get your 500 new Instagram followers. Keep it up.

We had to rewind that moment where DeMario saw her EIGHT times. It is so good. "Whoa, whoa, who's this?" 
This was some GREAT TV

DeMario having his arms crossed during this whole conversation is NOT boding well. I mean, this ex-girlfriend DOES seem way crazier than that girlfriend who came on Dez’s season to come after… Bryan? Wasn’t it a girl who had a son named Brady? Hold please – I feel like I titled a blog post about him. DONOVAN. His name was Donovan. I was close. 

The girlfriend's timeline vs. DeMario's timeline vs. Rachel's questions... none of it made any sense. I do want to point out that if this had been one of the backseat guys like Lee or someone, Rachel wouldn't be that upset. But because it was a dude who she had kind of been talking about ALL DAY, and let herself be vulnerable about, I bet it hit harder than she cared to admit. 


I love that they shut down Clifton’s for the night, after the basketball game. Has anyone been there? It is so cool. It used to be a food court for all the businesses downtown and now it’s just a really cool bar. (I don’t know bars in downtown LA, I don’t know why I happen to know that one. I’m just not that trendy)

Why is she sitting on the opposite end of the couch from that guy? What is his name, even? (Update: Jamey. I don't know why his name is spelled that way and I'm not into it) 

The end of this day was SUCH an opportunity for a guy to swoop in and play the savior. Remember when JP came to Ashley’s rescue after Bentley left? THIS IS AN IMPORTANT TIME, YOU GUYS.


Look, I’m all about a good massage and a good chiropractic appointment, but not in an evening gown and not with a face down. It's gonna leave such a mark on her face!! Mercy. 

I love that they call that guy Paulie, who was the security guy they brought out for Chad. This guy is excellent. Now DeMario is telling Harrison that his character has been assassinated. I love everything. 

Ohhhhh they're doing that thing where the rose ceremony comes at the beginning of the episode. I wonder why. I'll try and get to the bottom of it. So excited for the guys to confront DeMario at the top of the next episode. Also real excited for DeMario on the Men Tell All. 

In the meantime... if you're a bird, I'm a bird.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Let the Circus Begin....

Look, first things first: I'm still hung up about Nick and Vanessa's AFTR. They were more awkward than Emily and Brad and I refuse to be over it.


For those of you that don't follow me on Instagram (I'm not peddling Fab Fit Fun boxes, don't worry) but you should check out my story before it disappears forever... Got some solid commentary from Big Daddy tonight.

Since I run everything like it’s a church service, let’s start with some announcements:

1) I’m watching from home this week – home in the heartland. Gran had a knee replacement so I came to help her convalesce. (ie: buy rich people guac from Whole Foods and watch NCIS: Los Angeles with her. Seriously – we’ve watched so many episodes.)

2) Saturday night was Bobby Moynihan’s last episode of SNL. So it was the final Drunk Uncle on Weekend Update. My feelings about it are as follows:

Gone but not forgotten. 

3) Anyone else as excited about Jim Comey’s upcoming testimony as I am?
Living for it.

4) Quick shout out about the latest new name for Bachelor in Paradise – y’all know my friend Kimberly that I sometimes rave about on here? Her mom, Barbara, was in town a few weeks ago and naturally she and I were discussing Nick Viall and Barbara goes “I mean Nick has been on so many shows! He was on Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelorette, The Bachelorette again, and then that show… Everybody In the Pool… So many shows!” Kimberly and I said… “Do you mean Bachelor in Paradise?” And she said “Well whatever it’s called, where they get everyone drunk and put them in the pool!”



We are greeted on the freshly watered driveway of the Bachelor Mansion, as Hare tells us that we’ve never seen an outpouring of love like they did for Rachel Lindsay… OMG HER STAGED COURT APPEARANCE IS SO BAD WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING. Delighted that Rachel got to bring her pup along for this ride. But what is going on with this cast on his leg? I love that she feels like she’s in the movie Clueless… while she’s driving a Tesla.

Cher had never heard of Nikola Tesla. 
Guy Intros:
Wrestler Kenny
Texas Attorney
Meathead Alex
Start Up Mohit – I feel GREAT about his Bollywood dancing.
Lucas Waboom – STAHP. (the producers must love this guy)
Personal Trainer Blake – so much sex!
Chicago Diggy – I hope to one day own as many Vibrams as he owns sneakers.

Prosecutor Josiah – When he goes “My name is Josiah, I’m a prosecutor…” Gran burst out laughing and goes “I thought he was gonna say ‘I’m a prostitute.’” 

At the Bachelor mansion, we see all of the girls who we needed to be reminded of before Everybody In the Pool this summer, Raven cries. Astrid really wants America to remember her. They won't. Sorry, 'Trid. 

GRAN: There's so much alcohol at these things!
GRACE: How else do you think they get a dude to run around with a bullhorn? 

Limo Exits:
- Peter: Whoaaaaa I LOVE Peter. He is SMOOOOOTH. 
- Josiah: nice blazer, brah. Came out with a legal joke. Not necessary. 
- Bryan: Bryan comes from Corinne's neck of the woods. Maybe they can shop for expensive clothes together. 
- Kenny: Oh I kind of liked his intro with the dance move. Charming. 
- Rob: Law student. Gran is really worried that he is taking time off of law school to do the show... 
- Iggy: Iggy was not wearing socks. 
- Bryce: Fire fighter. 
- Will: Steve Urkel - DON'T
- Diggy wants to teach her how to Diggy. DON'T
- Kyle - food in a basket? 
- Blake K - Thank you for your service, Blake. 
- Brady - male model. just had to "break the ice." Even Big Daddy wasn't into it:

He said they're all tools. 

- Dean: "once you go black-" DON'T
- Eric - Big Daddy didn't like the dancing 
- DeMario - still got those tickets in his coat pocket. He thinks he's going all the way. 
- Sex Guy Blake brought a marching band. And he loves sex. And he loves telling you how much he loves it. And he has bad puns. 

At this point, during a commercial, I finally allowed Granny and Big Daddy to speak. They are under strict orders not to speak during the show because I have to catch every word. I had to explain to BD what "Once you go black, you never go back" meant... It went about as well as you would think. 

-Fred: kind of love this dude that went to school with her. 
- Jonathan: his career is "Tickle Monster." Oy vey. 
- Lee: Lee has clearly never held a guitar in his life. (also obligatory shout out to my favorite guy from Ashley Herbert's season who came in playing the guitar, threw it in the pool and said "Just kidding, I totally don't play guitar..." She eliminated him that night! Whatta loss) 
- Alex: Alex had a vacum and I don't even know what he said. 
- I didn't get Polaroid guy's name. But I noticed that he shook Peter's hand and Peter is my favorite. 
- Adam: Brought Adam Jr. Coulda done without that. 
- Matt: Matt came out in a penguin suit and at that point, Big Daddy walked out of the room and put himself to bed. 
- Ambulance Guy: No.
-  Anthony: Wants to understand her? 
- Jamey: Just told her how ridiculous her dress was? 
- Jack Stone... is that a package deal on the name? 
- Jedidiah - ...is bringing out the Biblical references. 
- Michael: something poorly executed about a brownie? 
- Lucas: the only thing I have to say is that Rachel handled this guy like a CHAMPION. Also wonderful sidenote about the fact that I'm pretty sure that even this dude himself isn't sure of his brand. Like, Courtney Roberts knew she was the sultry villain on Ben Flajnik's season. Corinne was the ditzy, slutty villian last season... But what IS this guy? It's not even like "WaBoom" is a protein powder or something he can sell or anything (although there ARE t-shirts) and even though he was talked about on the radio and the late night circuits, it doesn't seem like he has much staying power if he's not actually selling anything. Stay tuned. 

I don't hate Josiah. Dean wants to build a sand castle with Rachel and I'm bored. But my first crush was named Dean, so I'm here for it. 

Can I just take a moment to mention all the smells that must plague The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in the premiere? Like, you're looking at an overload of perfume and aftershave, because everyone wants to make a memorable first impression, Then you get sweaty people because nerves are running high, which means that if someone doesn't smell so great, you will KNOW.  

I like Bryan. I don't know why Rachel has her arms crossed right now in this conversation with him. OHHHHH HE WENT IN FOR THE KISS! Preemptive, Bryan!!! Goodness. 

I love that Rachel was warned about DeMario but she's like, "Yeah, nah, I'm gonna decide for myself, no thanks." Also the dudes have now formed a LINE to talk to her. And now she's talking to Peter and Waboom is distracting them. And now Blake is already ready to call out Waboom. I don't care how crazy Waboom is, Blake is by far and away the WORST dude of this episode. 

First Impression Rose went to Miami Kisser Bryan. Meh. 

Roses went to: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, , Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake, Lucas. 

Roses didn't go to... The law student, Mohit, Kyle, Blake, Milton and... some others? 

Oh also the Preds are going to the Stanley Cup. And as Donald Trump's nominee for Secretary of the Sports Games, I should probably be more enthused. 

Honestly if I lived in Nashville, I'd start a podcast where I'd make Big Daddy watch the show and then just get his opinion on all the guys. Especially because "Southern Baby Boomers" is a demographic that doesn't usually comment on this franchise. So excited for this season. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird....