Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Isss Gonna Be Eeeenteresting...

Let us start with the facts:
1)      Much like Sean did with Lindsay, Cat and Dez in St. Croix last season, I traversed from one coast to another, yesterday. Except it was from California to Florida, and it was via more than a dinky little Jeep.
2)      San Destin, FL is in the Central Time Zone.
3)      For my entire life, I have dreamed of meeting prince charming- For my entire life, I have been hearing “8/7 central” on TV.
4)      But much like Dez and her love for Brooks: HOW QUICKLY WE FORGET.
5)      All that to say: thinking the show started at 8 when it really started at 7, I turned it on forty-five minutes in, last night, in the middle of Chris’s date. And it wasn’t recording. Thank goodness there as a network of fellow Bachelor fans to whom I could reach out, to figure out what on earth was going on…  

So here’s what happened:

Brooks left, but he did that last week. I have no doubt that they spent the first thirty minutes of the episode rehashing that debacle… Apparently she gave both Drew and Chris a rose, then sent Drew home, and I caught the second half of Chris’s date. He met her family. They liked him. The brother didn’t go crazy. Chris proposed to Dez. She said yes.

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Fortunately, while my math skills are abominable, my reading comprehension skills are off the charts. Or at least they were when I had to take tests about it. Ergo, it was not hard to discern what the status was, even though I started the episode 45 minutes late. Oh wait – that’s not because of my remarkable ability to discern context clues, it’s due to ABC’s remarkable ability to COVER VERY LITTLE GROUND IN FORTY FIVE MINUTES. So she’s on a date with Chris, and based on the way she’s talking, I figure out Drew isn’t there, so my only question is: WHAT IS ANYONE STILL DOING THERE?! Obviously Intern Jacob read everyone their contractual obligation to give America a tenth episode, so we plowed onward.

MOVING ON. (That is: Dez was moving on emotionally, while Grace is just moving on to the next paragraph…)

-        I am so deeply baffled right now. I am also so deeply in love with Chris. (This was literally the first thing I wrote when I turned the TV on…)

-        Aaaand Chris is stumbling over his toast, right now. Toasts just aren’t his thing, are they?

-        I have absolutely no idea what is happening in this conversation, post-toast. They are speaking in the most intensely circular and vague clichés and I am… at a loss. I can’t even summarize what was said, or what they were taking a stab at saying; it makes zero sense…

-        Zak is probably banging his head against the wall, at Chris giving Dez the journal right now…

-        So glad Jacob stored that journal in the right night stand. I was concerned that he might have put it in the suite next door…

-        DEZ IS ON XANEX. That’s what this is. It’s not a low-staked date, it’s that Jacob shared some of his pills, after he shoved that imported In N Out burger down her throat, last week… (He probably resorted to pills after his playing some CrucificGLORIOUS hits only succeeded in making her cry harder… There’s a reason you’re still at the level of intern, J-Cake.)

-        I am VERY proud of Dez for immediately moving her fingers between her eyebrows, when she starts to cry. I can ONLY assume that it’s to avoid wrinkles, and for this, I applaud her.

-        So it was definitely an editing move, to put together “I’ve never felt… so loved,” in all those promos, because what we just saw was Weepy Dez saying “I’ve never felt… that anyone loved me as much as I loved them… And to be so loved by Chris...”

-        Sidenote: Apparently there’s a new body by Victoria. According to this commercial, they would like America to believe that they’ve actually manufactured a new body… I’d love to know how they made a new body. What does it look like? Ah, the speculation…

-        Jackie, no one remembers you, sweetie. (Except for my friend, Katie, who gets her hair done at the same salon where Jackie works…)  Your best chance at combatting this is to turn to Sean and yell, “Hey! Glad you sent me home on that two-on-one with Tierra?!”

-        Lindsay’s hair is looking SO much better than when she said the most gut-wrenching words ever uttered to a Bachelor during a proposal-turndown: “I’m gonna go, cause this is painful. And This is my nightmare. And I didn’t see it coming…”

-        Sidenote II: Loving these commercials for fall TV on ABC right now… I think Rebel Wilson is one of the greatest humans to ever walk the face of this earth…

-        So Dez is still on Xanax for this date with her fam, but at least her dress is beautiful…

-        She is trying so, so very hard not to cry in front of front of her brother, right now… DON’T BE VULNERABLE IN FRONT OF THE CRAZIES, DEZ. DON’T DO IT.

-        Sidenote I a: the Victoria’s Secret ad came on again. I thought I saw this the first time through, but knew I had to be seeing things. Yet a second time through, I’m seeing that Victoria deserves a place in our FAUX PAS section, because the graphics on the screen read: Victoria’s Secret: You’ve never seen body’s like this…
…Body’s like this? They’re possessive, now? Is that implying that you become possessive of your own body if you buy this bra? Like a good ad should, it’s definitely got me talking about it… But something tells me that Victoria’s Secret didn’t use improper grammar as a marketing ploy. I could be wrong, but I don’t think that’s their target demographic…

-        At first I thought Chris was wearing jeans to go and propose… But then I realized he was- oh, yup. He was going to meet with our ole pal Neil Lane.

-        I’m not quite certain that walking up to the rose ceremony altar is the place to be saying, “and I have no idea what I’m going to do…” but Dez definitely just did that.

-        I’m kind of surprised that the ring box doesn’t have Neil Lane’s face on it, to be honest…

-        Sidenote I b: Ok the Victoria’s Secret ad came on again. I’m now noticing that out of the whole sentence, only two words are in quotation marks. It reads:
You’ve never “seen body’s” like this…
I will not dignify the existence of these commercials with any more time or speculation, but I’m just saying…

-        A proposal shouldn’t be this tense. It just shouldn’t. Not that I’m an expert, but… it shouldn’t.


-        Aaaand Chris just gave her an eskimo kiss, post-proposal. I think we’re done here.

Questions I have:
-        What was it about this super low-staked date that made Dez so certain that now Chris can meet her family?? Was she that unsure before?

-        Is Sean sitting next to Phyllis, from The Office right now?

      -        Chris, why did you choose to wear a t-shirt to meet the fam? WHYYY?

-        Hare, to Lindsay: “Is it hard, to watch your friend go through this?” OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS WITH HARE.

-        To Nathan’s drilling about Brooks, I would ask: DOES THE FAMILY HAVE ZERO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON?? No one has bothered to sit down with them and say, “well Dez was left high and dry by one guy, and then she sent another one home, so there’s really just one option left, here…” Like I said: THERE’S A REASON YOU HAVEN’T BEEN PROMOTED, J-CAKE.

-        Anyone else find it noteworthy that Dez’s Dad said, “I’ll answer that question,” before he gave Chris a yes, five seconds later? Was he trying to buy time?

-        Is she going to tell Chris about Brooks before or after he puts a ring on it? And into how much detail is she going to go?  Cause if she truly wants him to get a full picture, he should be seeing footage of the day Brooks-a-Million hit the road, Jack.

-        Why wasn’t Chris greeted by the other Chris, upon his limo exit, pre-proposal?

-        Who says that Chris has to talk first? I’d totally make Dez go first.

-        Ok that was a nice spiel about Brooks, Dez, but… Aren’t you going to say something like, “I was ready to marry Brooks after day one?” I don’t think you’re painting an accurate picture for Chris, here…

Memorable Quotes:
-        “Do you know what’s a good idea? Kissing me.” As many people I can think of who qualify for “sweetest person in the world” in ten seconds is half as many as the number of “better ideas” that I can think of, in this instance…

-        About her future life partner, Dez says, “Maybe that guy is still here and maybe he’s not…” THERE’S ONLY ONE GUY LEFT.

-        “Sometimes life is hard to accept.” OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS WITH DEZ.

-        Dez: Look out for my lip gloss.
Chris: It’s ok, I didn’t put any on…

-        “Thank you for being by my side. I don’t think many people can do this…” Can do what, Dez? Handle the fact that you lost your effing mind over another guy and expected the leftovers to stick around?

-        “If she doesn’t want to share that with me, maybe there’s something I don’t know…” WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW IS THAT BROOKS IS GONNA COME BACK, TOPHER. I hope this isn’t the case. But I’m a little worried, at this point…

-        “I was a little... apprehensive to introduce anyone to my parents…” I’m so proud of Dez for calling up the word “apprehensive,” in this moment. I was totally expecting something like, “I was a little… not totally settled, to introduce anyone to my parents…”

-        “Here I am… so welcome. Hi.” This was the one line in the baffling and vaguely circuitous post-toast conversation during which I had my wits about me, enough to record. My head was literally spinning in confusion during the rest of it. And I don’t even know what this line from Chris was supposed to mean, but it was so bizarre that I had to document it…

-        Dez’s Dad: Why should Dez choose you? …because there’s no one else to choose.

-        Dez’s brother: “Are you confident that she will choose you?” ….there’s no way she couldn’t. There’s no one else to choose.

-         “I’m swimming in uncharted waters right now… And the water is cold…” Does the temperature of the uncharted water have a bearing on the turbulence of it? Is that some elitist poet metaphor of which I’m not a part?

-        While he was getting ready to propose, Chris said: “Drew may have the feelings I’m having, and want to propose…” UmWhat?!

-        In the limo, we heard a voiceover of Chris, saying: “The first time I met Dez, I was down on one knee…” I thought he was going to make a cliché comment about things coming full circle… But he said “This time I’m not joking.”

-        Dez to Chris, about Brooks: “I was hurt. Cause it was surprise and I didn’t know what to feel.” I think what Dez was trying to say was “I was really overwhelmed because I was hurt, but I was also really shocked,” but instead she sounded like she was still in her first year of learning English…

-        No joke, Dez said these words to Chris: “So you’re the only one here…” Again, I’m not a proposal expert, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t the words that you wanna hear, right before you take a knee…

-        “Throughout the journey, I was torn between you and Brooks…” THAT’S A LIE, DEZ. AMERICA HEARD YOU, LAST WEEK. YOUR HEART WAS IN BROOKS' GREASY HANDS...

-         “To finally getting to hear you say ‘I love you’ back.” Well that’s a great cheers, Chris. Toast to that!

After the Final Rose:

-        Dez: I’m never gonna regret how I felt… No one is expecting you to regret how you felt, sweetie, but perhaps you might have some regrets about how you handled said feelings…

-        May we just take a second to discuss how she informed Brooks, “So yeah, now I’m engaged to Chris…”

-        Ok how about Brooks’ response to that, when he fired off, “Oh yeah, yeah I knew that would happen. I could tell from the way she looked at him on the group dates…” ARE YOU A CHILD?!

-        Drew has beefed up and I am not upset about it. Still think he’s a woman… But not upset.

-        “I felt like her greeting to Chris was a little more warm than mine…” Ok yeah he’s DEFINITELY still a woman.

-        Am I wrong, or would it be awesome if a reject came onto After the Final Rose and just latched onto the leg next to them and begged, “take me baaaaack! Pick meeee!!”

-        While he is still a woman I will give Andrew points for an articulate question that we know every past contestant has been dying to know, “In your eyes was I always a little behind Chris and Brooks?” And then when Dez said she was holding back, Drew said, “well when? When did you start feeling like you were holding back?” Again, points for being articulate, Vocabulary Drew…

-        “Is that what you are looking for? Someone to join that picture? Of you and Camilla?” WOULD HE BE LOOKING FOR ANYTHING ELSE, HARE?! Was that question so that America would feel like Whoo-an Pablo had been thoroughly vetted?

-        Let us close with a quote from Whoo-an Pablo, about next season: “Iss gonna be eeenteresting.”

Faux Pas:
-        Dez to Chris: “You’re always so calm, cool and collected.” I mean, has the woman ever opened a book, anywhere? EVER?! It’s COOL, CALM, AND COLLECTED.

-        “I had time to run those things over my head…” I wrote this one down, but looking back, I’m not even actually sure if it was Dez or Brooks, who said it. It’s seriously a toss-up. I would believe that either of them had actually run their head over with something…

-        Hare: Is there anything you regret?
Brooks: I’m sure there are.
Oh Brooks. Your mother and sister might have been too busy brainwashing you, to bother teaching you about singular and plural verbs, when they were homeshooling you, but one does not use “are” to claim a single thing they might have regretted. Unless you were trying to tell us that there were very many things you regretted. But much like the Victoria’s Secret ad, I just don’t think that the Grammar Nazis were your target demographic…

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

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