Monday, February 27, 2017

He Prayed for an Easy Love...

So I had to work late tonight. And while waiting on some things to finish up, I turned on the TV in the kitchen. Don't try and stop me, America. I WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH COMMENTARY, MY DEAR FRIENDS. I caught the janitor up on the entire season in about four minutes.

Quick thoughts on the Oscars last night:

- Um, round of applause for Sara Bareilles. That song was outstanding and her performance was so moving. Goodness.

- Of COURSE Viola looked amazing. She never DOESN'T look amazing, but shoutout to Joanna Natasegara for a) the documentary but b) I'm in love with that dress.
I love a good train. And Selma Hayek's face is amazing in this one. 

- ONCE AGAIN, like with the Super Bowl, I was ready to turn off the TV when they announced Best Picture... This screen grab sums up the whole thing pretty well:
Wouldn't wanna work at PWC today...

- And finally, a word on Casey Affleck. I've read a lot of articles, but this is the most concise and informative one I've come across in the past 24 hours.

Ok here we go...
I miss Andi. And I miss Andi and Nick. I feel like she has a little too much collagen on her lips, but I'm here for it. Live your best life, Dorfman. There was zero point to this little visit, it was kind of overproduced, but whatever

Rose Ceremony: Corinne's crying is epic. She already had snot on her face before he called Vanessa's name. And like, she has moisture on her face... and is making sounds... but still is 100% not crying. She is gonna be MONEY on Bachelor in Paradise. Also what is she WEARING?! The best I heard from remote LRPG member Buck was "a fur coat one piece bathing suit," and I don't disagree. Nick putting her in the limo right now is the same as him putting Bella in the car to send her tearfully off to summer camp. So stoked for her summer in Mexico.

Moving onto Finland: 

You guys, I am so floored by Raven's admission... ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

Are you kidding me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am incensed. ENRAGED. Hike up your bloomers, step over the muddy stream and MOVE ON, RAVEN. There is no need to slosh around in this swampy deluge right now Raven, you are a LADY!! 

Look, all power to my ladies. Live your life. Learn the things. Figure it out. BUT DON'T DRAG IT ALL AROUND ON NATIONAL TV. Lord have mercy! 

I am a fan of Raven's low made up look, today. As they schlep around... Finland. Nick says being with Raven makes him feel a little "crazy in a good way"

...probably because she stabbed her ex with a stiletto. But who's counting?

​I'm also very in favor of this steaming vs. ironing conversation, especially in light of my Monday night last week - I had been a HUGE advocate of the steamer up until JUST last week. Stay tuned.

Interesting that Raven just assumes that she has to have sex with Nick tonight... ​JUST an observation.

This turtleneck that Nick has opted to wear at dinner is a lot for me. I'm also concerned that they are having to discuss their favorite parts of the day at dinner. Because that's what we did at.... family dinner when I was seven.

Oh no. Now she's talking about what her dad prayed for... (Also I don't know how I feel about the fact that her dad praying for "an easy love?" I'm pretty sure Big Daddy's prayers for me have NEVER featured the word "easy.") Nick says it is the best love profession he's ever heard of. Really, Nick? Really? It is? It's the BEST one? Fortunately the Future Mr. Grace Douglas has a LOT more than THAT to which he may look forward...  (yes I AM accepting applications for the highly coveted Mr. Grace Douglas Award right now...)

Whew. What a short night. We get three hours of this next week. 

Until then... if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Monday, February 20, 2017

CorinneIt To Win It

I don't want to toot my own horn (toooooot!) but:

Please let me apologize from the outset, because my fancy lifestyle might make some of you uncomfortable. Today I left work while it was still light outside, came home and IRONED, (we don't have an ironing board so I ironed on my bed. Whatever) and then Johnny came over and we MADE DINNER. Do you know the last time I made dinner? Neither do I. We made soup. He was worried he'd spill it on the couch. I said "There's an app for that" and handed him a tray.

We watched the end of Wheel a Fortune and decided that we are literal 80 year olds. He said "This is what 80 year olds do. Eat off of trays and watch Pat and Vanna. 

We pick up where we left off, in Bikini Bahamas, with the girls all chewing on their nails about what Nick is going to do. 

JOHNNY: Why does Rachel look so made up?
GRACE: She was just on a date. Why is Corinne wearing half a jacket in her interview right now? 
JOHNNY: You told me you do that at work all the time. 
GRACE: Fair. I do. (sometimes I'm both cold and hot at work, don't judge me

Special shout out to my east coast updates about this date:

I think it's time to unearth a little known reality TV factoid: Carolyn Murdock once starred on an episode of "Sex Sent Me to the ER." The episode was BASICALLY what is happening while they're mudding right now. They ended up in the ER.

Honestly, I was pretty impressed with the Raven's brother's acting skills. I didn't for a second believe that it wasn't a total ruse, but he wasn't a total wad of contrived cheese as he asked for their ID.

We love Raven's family. Johnny asked, "Is it always this sweet? Cause I'm kind of touched right now. I blame it on the fact that I saw Lion earlier today." Things got super intense when Raven told her dad that no man would walk her down the aisle. Eeesh. We're also pretty convinced that they're not in The actual family home of Raven. I pointed this out to Johnny and he agreed. "This is not a Hoxie Home. But I love those uneven Target/Ikea background art pieces happening on the wall..." Anyone else see that monogram outside the household? Cause it looked like there was a G in the middle of it. Raven's last name starts with a C. 

Rachel took Nick to church. I am DYING to know whether this was on a Sunday or not. Because I would absolutely not put it past the producers to tell Rachel, "Call up your church and tell them to have a service that we can show! That'd be great!" That is HOW IT GOES. Also, I feel like the fact that her Dad isn't available due to work concerns... Isn't he a judge? Judges don't work on Sunday. This is confirmed by Johnny, son of a judge.  

Also shout out to the family getting real with their observations: "I noticed you're a white." Let's lay our observations on the table, guys. 

I love that all the retail people know Corinne. The same thing would happen if you went into Jewish delis and grocery stores in Los Angeles with me. 

NICK: I might have to get another job if I end up with Corinne. 
JOHNNY: What's his job again? This? 
GRACE: This. Definitely This. And that Nair sponsorship for which he is gunning... 

Shoutout to Miami, Florida for hosting four of the warmest and most wonderful years of my life. 

But seriously what is up with Corinne and her dad lounging on this bed right now? It is very incestuous and Roman Banquet-y and I'm not into it. 

Raquel is having ZERO shenanigans. She is asking all the tough questions. Johnny is ready for Raquel to take over for Chris Harrison. Although we're a little worried about Raquel's health. She seems pretty frail. 

CORINNE'S DAD: This is 15 year old, single malt... 
JOHNNY: Single malt what?  
GRACE: Urine. 

Corinne's Dad is DRUUUUNK right now. Seems to run in the family:

Did you like my olive? DID YOU?!

Of course there are cords. Plugged into the antenna. I will NEVER pay for cable. 

Johnny posed the question: "Do you think Nick will be engaged at the end of this?" Which kind of begets an interesting notion. Because if you think about previous seasons: On Kaitlyn's season, it seemed like she had been dating Nick and Shawn the longest. It seemed like she had actual relationships with them. On Ben's season, it seemed like he'd been with JoJo the longest. JoJo and seemed like she'd been with Jordan the longest - it seemed like all of these people were in legitimate relationships, way moreso than the other contestants. On this season, it doesn't seem like Nick has been in a relationship with ANY of the girls.. It's kind of weird. We KIND OF got a glimpse of him seeming friendly with Rachel at the dinner table with her family, but for the most part, it seems like he still barely knows these girls... So weird. 

Honestly all I care about Nick and Vanessa going to Canada is... Is Justin Trudeau going to be there to greet Nick? Because that is ALL that matters. Justin Trudeau is LIFE. 

Guys... I'm not ready to talk about Vanessa's IMDB page, just yet. Emotionally, I'm JUST. NOT. Stay tuned.

This is the happiest that Nick has ever seemed on this season. Maybe ever. 

Someone told us that this was "what Sunday lunch looked like..." So this is Sunday. Which means it wasn't Sunday when Rachel went to church. Which means the church was a set up. I'm JUST keeping score, over here. 

Nick gets totally cornered about the fact that he and Vanessa have absolutely ZERO future plans. Her sister is NOT having any of it. 

Another running theme: No one knows what Nick's job is, or will be, or where he lives. 

And then we hear that Vanessa's mother is concerned about "picking up the pieces" of Vanessa's heartbreak. I wonder what kind of fall out of a breakup that entails... Is she a stay-in-bed type of recovery girl, or a eat-all-the-cookies type? Obviously we all know mine. 

I like Vanessa's relationship with her family. I also like that she chooses the word "awkward" to describe her dad, in fear for Nick. Not :my dad can be intimidating, I hope Nick can hold his own." or he can be "daunting" or "tough." She chose "awkward." Nick tells Vanessa's dad that he was drawn to Vanessa's "vibe." You know who WOULDN'T be satisfied with that answer? The same man who is satisfied with denim on denim, and was satisfied with it before it was cool. 

And probs also Mimi. 

I love how her Dad is NOT having it. He wants to know who else's permission Nick has asked. This is amazing. 

May we talk about Nick's strange rhetoric whilst asking for the parent's blessing and saying things like, "How would you feel, as we, IF TWO ADULTS, made a decision AND SHE WAS HAPPY... How would you feel if I proposed to her?" It's like with the "adults" line, he is trying to reassure them that there is consent. So weird. 

Thank God Andi is back. Love her. She is so pretty. So excited for next week. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Toothless Sharks and Other Wonders...

Tonight has been such a weird night and we haven’t even started watching, yet. Bryan roped me into watching the end of the Kansas v West Virginia game – Kansas came back from a serious point deficit (I actually don’t know if it’s called “point deficit,” but they were down by like, 15, with 2 minutes to go) came back and tied it up and sent it into overtime. Then just as it was going into overtime, we got the memo that Mike Flynn stepped down. All while the Kansas arena is trying to set some kind of noise level record, so everyone is SCREAMING. It was so many things at once. Kansas won the game. I haven't even watched a basketball game in years, but this game got me like:

Image result for i'm in a glass case of emotion gif

ALSO: Time to remark about how Johnny and I had filet then went and saw Fifty Shades Darker last night. It was just as hilariously awful as we thought it would be, but in addition to the horrible acting and direction, it's worth noting that it bears the honor of actually having ZERO plot. It was kind of astonishing, really. Like, I couldn't even write a 3rd grade book report on it right now, because there was no beginning, middle, or end. There was no rising action, climax, or falling action. Truly, if I were being quizzed and comprehension and asked something like "What was the climax?" I genuinely would not have an answer. It's probably also worth noting that this was our fourth annual Valentine's Day yummy dinner and a terrible movie. The combined scores of the four movies we've seen equals... 46. That's 46% out of 400. An average rating of 11.5% for each movie. (And yes, there was room for innuendo twice in that paragraph, but I can't even give the story that much dignity).
Displaying IMG_20170214_000319.jpg
But of COURSE there was ice cream. 

Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery: Carolyn, Mac, and Bryan. 

Ok so we open with Raven recapping the night’s events while wearing way too much mascara. For all the talk of Raven being the next Bachelorette, you guys, she is a CHILD. Carolyn also points out that there is also something going on with Chris Harrison’s face in his mano e mano with Nick right now… Rosacea? Sun burn? Get a grip, Hare.

I see that Nick is still opting for the short shorts. Is he trying to become a spokesman for Nair? Does he want to peddle Nair on Instagram instead of a Fab Fit Fun box? Is that what’s going on?

As Nick Is talking to the girls before they pack for Bimini, I can't help but notice that Corinne's skin looks PARCHED. Vanessa and Danielle M are winning the skincare game right now. AND YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT PARCHED SKIN:

CAROLYN: (reading from phone) Grace, put this on your blog. My mom just texted me: “NICK SURE DOES BLUBBER A LOT.” 

She's not wrong. 

Ugh. Danielle L’s plug for “Resorts World Bimini” was REALLY pathetic. I swear it's like these girls have never seen a decorative throw rug in thier lives...

One on One: Vanessa
VANESSA: I’ve never been on a boat before.
MACK: Can you pull up her Instagram? ‘Cause I feel like we can definitely prove that she’s been on a boat before.

Would that other sources in our lives could vet facts like that…

This abandoned ship is pretty cool. But I’m definitely worried about them getting too much sun.

VANESSA: I’m falling in love with you.
NICK: I’ve been in love before. I really like you. 

Image result for HITCH I saw that going differently

Group date: 
Corinne, Kristina, Raven

Corinne tells us she is going to steal the show on this group date. I can’t wait. 
NARRATOR: She didn't. 

(Jk there's not a narrator but yes I totally pretend like Ron Howard is narrating my life, most days)

Look, I’m all about sunscreen. You guys know that. But KRISTINA I COULD’VE DONE WITHOUT THIS BIT. Her inner thigh, Nick? Mercy!

Ok but with what kind of sharks were they swimming? I feel like we never got a solid answer on that. Cause it clearly wasn't jaws, but they didn't look like baby minnow sharks. What kind of insurance certificates did they have to have for this place?

Loving these Myrtle Beach Wings beach towels they’re wearing. I love a good discount beach store.

Corinne is somehow PLASTERED by the time they get to the evening portion. Her eyes are shutting right in front of us.

I don't even know to whom he is speaking right now, but Nick is crying again. Honestly no man has cried as much on screen since Jude Law in The Holiday

Image result for I am a major weeper

The Bachelor Fantasy League had us guess how many times Nick would cry tonight. The most they had was 3. I'm pretty sure it was double that by the end of the episode. 

Anyone ever heard of this Adam Freeman guy? He’s cute but he’s… three feet tall. Ok wait I kind of like this song. Good thing Johnny isn’t here cause he would obliterate me for saying that. Shout out to that one dude that sang on Clair and Juan Pablo's date, whose name I still didn't even have right, by the end of the season... 

One on One: Danielle

I am so bored by Danielle M. What are these bamboo koozie things they have wrapped around the beer bottles? Is it to cover up the logo? That is seriously the biggest mystery to me. 

Meanwhile, back on the farm: 
Corinne tells us: “I’d live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. Who am I?” Seriously, that's the best she could come up with? Personally I'd go with "I'd live in the Venice Canals without cookies for Ben Higgins"

I don’t even know where to begin with Corinne's sexcapade attempt. But I think the crux of what happened is: Corinne anxious about getting a rose. She believes she has ONLY ONE asset which can secure her the rose. I think that is very broken and sad. 

Ok but also one has to wonder how she managed to completely disregard the automatic doors that opened up for her, before going through the manual door of the hotel entrance. For someone who has been fed with a silver spoon all her life, this doesn't make much sense...

One on One: Rachel
Nick tries to tactfully ask Rachel if she’s ever brought home a white guy before… And Rachel picks up on the cue and diplomatically answers. Point Rachel.

The islander offers “You make sure this guy needs you, not just wants you." And I'm here for that one. And let's be real: America is already over Nick and Rachel, THEY'RE READY FOR RACHEL TO FIND LOVE AS THE NEW BACHELORETTE (but I seriously WILL NOT believe it until I hear it come out of her mouth)

Corinne proceeds to tell us that she's freaking out. She even gives herself fake hand shakes. Mercy. She asserts:  “He could’ve sent Rachel home on this date today and he wasn’t feeling it so clearly he’s feeling it." 

Make Corinne literate again... 

Nick cries for the 87th time as he let's Kristina go. And let us acknowledge that Kristina has a very sad crying face. Oof. 

I'm surprised that Corinne has made it this far without a hometown. I'm also disappointed that there wasn't a blow up fight this week, like there has been in seasons past (see: "I can't control my eyebrow!") Also worth mentioning that Tierra actually made it to this week on the season without a one on one. But then Sean introduced Tierra to his sister and immediately gave her the ax. HE ALSO GAVE MY BEST FRIEND LESLEY THE AX THAT WEEK AND I'LL NEVER BE OVER IT BECAUSE SHE WAS MY FAVORITE CONTESTANT OF ALL TIME. 

Whew. Whatta night. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Monday, February 6, 2017

Corinne Has How Many Lives?

I just want to start by saying thank you for the outpouring of love I received yesterday. You guys know that Sunday was a hard day, and all your texts and messages meant the world. Oh, why was yesterday hard for me, you ask? BECAUSE THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW IS THE MOST STRESSFUL EVENT IN AMERICA, TO ME.

For those of you that don’t know, seriously NO. THING. stresses me out like the Super Bowl halftime show. It is my BIGGEST nightmare in life to think about coordinating that thang, and have to be in charge of all of the moving parts that go into it. THINK ABOUT IT: They have like, 90 seconds to set up an ENTIRE STAGE (that has to be able to catch Gaga when she, you know, leaps from the top of an arena) get all those people in there, get them to do the choreography, get them to shift the stage around to where they’re supposed to, get all the dancers to land in the light where they’re supposed to, and THEN you have like, even less time to take the whole thing apart so the football game can resume! Truly nothing stresses me out more than the Super Bowl halftime show. Mercy. The stakes are SO high.

Whew! Glad I have 364 days to prepare for the next one.

Honestly the most important thing that happened this weekend was Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer on SNL. If you haven't watched it, stop what you're doing and go watch. The Super Bowl was good, but Melissa McCarthy was EVERYTHING.

Picking up where we left off... 

Loving the Production Assistant’s hair extensions, as she dramatically grabs Taylor’s suitcase from the hotel room. Taylor tells us she’s going to “speak her piece,” to Nick. Twenty bucks says that if she wrote that out, she’d write “speak my peace.” I bet she also thinks it's a "bold faced lie."

I’m still concerned that Taylor has elected not to wear a bra on this date... She could've at least waited for the PA to bring her her suitcase so she could throw one on...

Ok so she tells Nick was “flat out lied to,” but is she going to tell him HOW he was lied to? COME ON TAY TAY, USE YOUR WORDS.

She should've set up that she wasn’t going to try and get a pity rose from Nick, she was just there to tell him Corinne was a liar, because it made him do some extra work to steer it from “I don’t think you’re a bully,” to “Goodnight.” But he deserves to do like, .07 seconds of work.

Corinne tells us "Cats have nine lives and b*ches have two." I’m so confused by this. I want to assume it's a quote or a reference to something, but Corinne is so daft I can't possibly imagine her coming up with a reference at a time like this... Does she mean cats and dogs? I've already spent too much time analyzing this.

Rose Ceremony... 

This house that the girls are rolling up to for the rose ceremony is giving me shades of Liam Hemsworth’s parents’ house in “The Last Song," Amirite, Katie Bocksel? If you haven’t seen that movie, I can't fathom how you've made it this far...  

Honestly any excuse for this photo... 

You guys know how much I love Rachel. But DID that dress come from the Juniors section at Dillard’s, or did it not?

Josephine feels some heaviness in her heart that there’s no cocktail party. Jasmine has elected to chew on her nail about it.

Roses went to:


BRYAN: Lexingon holding strong!
GRACE: But like… Russia holding strong.

Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L,

BRYAN: Boobs can stay. Nose ring needs to go.

Jasmine, and Whitney.
(Seriously HOW is Whitney still here?)

We said goodbye to: Josephine, Jaimi, Alexis

The Living Room Peanut Gallery loved Alexis so much. Girl, you’re only 23. Bachelor In Paradise will be great for you. Twenty bucks says we see the "dolphin" costume in the opening credits, this summer...

Nick put even more prep into his speech about the next destination this week about St. Thomas than he did about N’Orleans. 

....It was still just as bad.

Shout out to Nick’s super hairy leg in the airplane right now? Him saying “Heeeey” to the ladies from the plane was the MOST un-enthused he’s been this entire season, which is saying something.

One On One: 

FINALLY Kristina got a one-on-one. I can figure out how to spell her name. 

KRISTINA: The house in the mountain is pretty.
MAX: She’s literally just saying things she sees… “Rock… in water…ocean trees.”

Jasmine is having a really hard time about not being chosen for a one on one. I’m having a really hard time with Jasmine’s choker.

Nick has zero interest in Kristina's clearly-very-interesting life, asks her how to say "kiss" in Russian, then they get in the ocean. This is now the SECOND time he has shut down her attempt at emotional vulnerability.

NICK: Maybe I can bring down a lot of those walls that Kristina has up…
GRACE: I don’t think there are any walls. Just an accent.

Confession: we hit the rewind button to hear Vanessa’s fun fact about St. Thomas. Love some trivial history.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY DID THIS BIT WITH LORNA. I AM FLABBERGASTED. I cannot believe that a) production saw this through and b) post-production saw it through. Holy moly.

Now I’m flabbergasted by Kristina’s story. I AM ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER RIGHT NOW. You guys, this is seriously the saddest story that we’ve ever heard about in the franchise of this show. I can’t remember being this moved by someone’s personal story since Jillian Harris told Jason about her Mom.

Kristina is crying. Nick tried to cry too, but he ended up just wiping sweat off his face.

I’m a little offended that he chose to replay the motif of “living in color" before he gave her the rose. 
Bit trifling, if you ask me,.,

And then we get “Ave Maria” from a steel drum band…

CAROLYN: It’s times like this that I wish that Johnny were here. He’d have such great commentary for this moment.

Group date:
Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M, Jasmine

Then we find out that Danielle M and Whitney are going on a two-on-one… 
The stakes have just been raised. 

MAX: Nick’s short game is so weak, what is he even wearing right now?
BRYAN: But dude, his glutes are DOPE.

Guys, you know how much I love Danielle M for never wearing makeup. You know what else I love? She has ZERO chest. Whatta dish. Whatta doll. I relate to her so much right now. Except I DEFINITELY don't look like that in a bikini, thx. 

Let's clap it up for some good Raven one liners:

“Corinne would be great at volleyball. If she wasn’t drunk.”

“If Jasmine was a vegetable, she’d be a turnip, ‘cause she’s turned all the way up.”

So the girls play volleyball for like, six seconds, then they being to crash... They are having a MELTDOWN. They are all 100% melting down right now. Do you remember how JoJo pulled it together on the swine date with Ben, last season in the Bahamas? NO ONE did that today. Even my girl Rachel couldn't really come through, but the girls are kind of all super tired and drunk, so…. So glad no one had to call an ambulance when Corinne slurred, "CATCH ME" to Nick...

Jasmine is rolling downhill quickly. 

And Raven is watching her.

Here’s another observation: Raven is sitting in these interviews in that neon dress… with straight hair. She has curly hair on this date right now. This was obviously a pick up interview.

Also same thing with Rachel, actually. Her hair is down in the interview but it’s up on top of her head on the date.

I just wonder how the producers keep Jasmine isolated enough to get this far into her head. Cause as she walks off with Nick right now, she is JONESING for a fight. Oh mercy. Ladies, I BESEECH you: if anyone who is reading this has the potential to be on the show, I need you to know: NEVER GO IN FOR THE ATTACK. This ended poorly for Jubilee, it ended poorly for Dominique, and it’s ending poorly for Jasmine right now.

This choke hold thing is so much for me. OH MY WORD WHAT IS SHE DOING?! Hoooowwwww. Whyyyyyy. And now I'm thinking about how she had that choker on earlier in the episode, why was that a running motif for her?!?

Goodness. She thought she was going into the conversation to get the pity rose and she got… the pity limo.

JASMINE: He didn’t give me a chance.
GRACE: He did, and you kept trying to choke him.
MAX: She choked.

Post-date (apparently Raven got the rose) Kristina, Raven and Rachel are lying in bed crying. PULL IT TOGETHER, LADIES. 

Two On One:
Whitney and Danielle L.

Well. It’s Romper Nation on this 2 on 1, right now. We forgot how wretched Danielle L's giggle is. Mercy.

They have obviously recycled the bed that they used from the Badlands on Kesley Poe and Ashley I’s two-on-one with Farmer Chris. Does this mean both girls are going home?

Danelle L, or “D. Lo” according to Vanessa, is trying to call Nick out on why she’s on the two-on-one. There’s no way for him to tell her “the producers totes made me do this.” Then Nick decides to send Whitney home. Whitney is definitely the THIS GUY of the season: 

Seriously couldn't tell you that guy's name (I think it was David?) but he made it to Ali Fedotowsky's like, top 6, or something crazy, and we had NO idea who he was... I'm pretty sure he got sent home from Iceland. The same place from whence Kasey got sent home on a two-on-one... When he was left on a glacier... After he'd just gotten a tattoo for Ali...

NICK: I can’t give you this rose.
CAROLYN: “So I will need you to leave.”
GRACE: “Actually I will need you to stay, while we fly away in the helicopter.”
WHITNEY: Do you think Danielle is ready for a relationship?
NICK: For me, this isn’t about Danelle, it’s about you and me.

Honestly so much sand in Whitney’s face right now. Poor girl.

Woof, Nick got a lot of sun today, mercy.

The two of them are reading made up words on the wall of a dungeon. Also there wasn’t even a cool setup down there. They just walked back out. Anyone remember Ali and Frank’s date in Turkey when they were in like, the grotto? Frank bought that rug. Oh I loved those two so much. I don't know why this has become the Ali Fedotowsky throwback blog today, but I'm here for it.

Still devastated especially since his girlfriend looked like this:

We all realized that Nick was going to send Danielle home because we heard the soundbite of Rachel saying “I didn’t know he’d send home both people on a two on one.” Everyone knows this but apparently Danielle. We are watching the train go off the tracks. She says she’s falling in love with him. He is SWEATING.

Ooooof that goodbye. GEEZ. Bye, girl.

Nick goes back to the hotel and is WEEPING to the women. And Danielle M is SHOOK (isn't that what the kids say?) 

This is me, about Corinne next week:

Honestly it's also me whenever the president tweets, sooooo... 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...