Monday, February 6, 2017

Corinne Has How Many Lives?

I just want to start by saying thank you for the outpouring of love I received yesterday. You guys know that Sunday was a hard day, and all your texts and messages meant the world. Oh, why was yesterday hard for me, you ask? BECAUSE THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW IS THE MOST STRESSFUL EVENT IN AMERICA, TO ME.

For those of you that don’t know, seriously NO. THING. stresses me out like the Super Bowl halftime show. It is my BIGGEST nightmare in life to think about coordinating that thang, and have to be in charge of all of the moving parts that go into it. THINK ABOUT IT: They have like, 90 seconds to set up an ENTIRE STAGE (that has to be able to catch Gaga when she, you know, leaps from the top of an arena) get all those people in there, get them to do the choreography, get them to shift the stage around to where they’re supposed to, get all the dancers to land in the light where they’re supposed to, and THEN you have like, even less time to take the whole thing apart so the football game can resume! Truly nothing stresses me out more than the Super Bowl halftime show. Mercy. The stakes are SO high.

Whew! Glad I have 364 days to prepare for the next one.

Honestly the most important thing that happened this weekend was Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer on SNL. If you haven't watched it, stop what you're doing and go watch. The Super Bowl was good, but Melissa McCarthy was EVERYTHING.

Picking up where we left off... 

Loving the Production Assistant’s hair extensions, as she dramatically grabs Taylor’s suitcase from the hotel room. Taylor tells us she’s going to “speak her piece,” to Nick. Twenty bucks says that if she wrote that out, she’d write “speak my peace.” I bet she also thinks it's a "bold faced lie."

I’m still concerned that Taylor has elected not to wear a bra on this date... She could've at least waited for the PA to bring her her suitcase so she could throw one on...

Ok so she tells Nick was “flat out lied to,” but is she going to tell him HOW he was lied to? COME ON TAY TAY, USE YOUR WORDS.

She should've set up that she wasn’t going to try and get a pity rose from Nick, she was just there to tell him Corinne was a liar, because it made him do some extra work to steer it from “I don’t think you’re a bully,” to “Goodnight.” But he deserves to do like, .07 seconds of work.

Corinne tells us "Cats have nine lives and b*ches have two." I’m so confused by this. I want to assume it's a quote or a reference to something, but Corinne is so daft I can't possibly imagine her coming up with a reference at a time like this... Does she mean cats and dogs? I've already spent too much time analyzing this.

Rose Ceremony... 

This house that the girls are rolling up to for the rose ceremony is giving me shades of Liam Hemsworth’s parents’ house in “The Last Song," Amirite, Katie Bocksel? If you haven’t seen that movie, I can't fathom how you've made it this far...  

Honestly any excuse for this photo... 

You guys know how much I love Rachel. But DID that dress come from the Juniors section at Dillard’s, or did it not?

Josephine feels some heaviness in her heart that there’s no cocktail party. Jasmine has elected to chew on her nail about it.

Roses went to:


BRYAN: Lexingon holding strong!
GRACE: But like… Russia holding strong.

Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L,

BRYAN: Boobs can stay. Nose ring needs to go.

Jasmine, and Whitney.
(Seriously HOW is Whitney still here?)

We said goodbye to: Josephine, Jaimi, Alexis

The Living Room Peanut Gallery loved Alexis so much. Girl, you’re only 23. Bachelor In Paradise will be great for you. Twenty bucks says we see the "dolphin" costume in the opening credits, this summer...

Nick put even more prep into his speech about the next destination this week about St. Thomas than he did about N’Orleans. 

....It was still just as bad.

Shout out to Nick’s super hairy leg in the airplane right now? Him saying “Heeeey” to the ladies from the plane was the MOST un-enthused he’s been this entire season, which is saying something.

One On One: 

FINALLY Kristina got a one-on-one. I can figure out how to spell her name. 

KRISTINA: The house in the mountain is pretty.
MAX: She’s literally just saying things she sees… “Rock… in water…ocean trees.”

Jasmine is having a really hard time about not being chosen for a one on one. I’m having a really hard time with Jasmine’s choker.

Nick has zero interest in Kristina's clearly-very-interesting life, asks her how to say "kiss" in Russian, then they get in the ocean. This is now the SECOND time he has shut down her attempt at emotional vulnerability.

NICK: Maybe I can bring down a lot of those walls that Kristina has up…
GRACE: I don’t think there are any walls. Just an accent.

Confession: we hit the rewind button to hear Vanessa’s fun fact about St. Thomas. Love some trivial history.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY DID THIS BIT WITH LORNA. I AM FLABBERGASTED. I cannot believe that a) production saw this through and b) post-production saw it through. Holy moly.

Now I’m flabbergasted by Kristina’s story. I AM ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER RIGHT NOW. You guys, this is seriously the saddest story that we’ve ever heard about in the franchise of this show. I can’t remember being this moved by someone’s personal story since Jillian Harris told Jason about her Mom.

Kristina is crying. Nick tried to cry too, but he ended up just wiping sweat off his face.

I’m a little offended that he chose to replay the motif of “living in color" before he gave her the rose. 
Bit trifling, if you ask me,.,

And then we get “Ave Maria” from a steel drum band…

CAROLYN: It’s times like this that I wish that Johnny were here. He’d have such great commentary for this moment.

Group date:
Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M, Jasmine

Then we find out that Danielle M and Whitney are going on a two-on-one… 
The stakes have just been raised. 

MAX: Nick’s short game is so weak, what is he even wearing right now?
BRYAN: But dude, his glutes are DOPE.

Guys, you know how much I love Danielle M for never wearing makeup. You know what else I love? She has ZERO chest. Whatta dish. Whatta doll. I relate to her so much right now. Except I DEFINITELY don't look like that in a bikini, thx. 

Let's clap it up for some good Raven one liners:

“Corinne would be great at volleyball. If she wasn’t drunk.”

“If Jasmine was a vegetable, she’d be a turnip, ‘cause she’s turned all the way up.”

So the girls play volleyball for like, six seconds, then they being to crash... They are having a MELTDOWN. They are all 100% melting down right now. Do you remember how JoJo pulled it together on the swine date with Ben, last season in the Bahamas? NO ONE did that today. Even my girl Rachel couldn't really come through, but the girls are kind of all super tired and drunk, so…. So glad no one had to call an ambulance when Corinne slurred, "CATCH ME" to Nick...

Jasmine is rolling downhill quickly. 

And Raven is watching her.

Here’s another observation: Raven is sitting in these interviews in that neon dress… with straight hair. She has curly hair on this date right now. This was obviously a pick up interview.

Also same thing with Rachel, actually. Her hair is down in the interview but it’s up on top of her head on the date.

I just wonder how the producers keep Jasmine isolated enough to get this far into her head. Cause as she walks off with Nick right now, she is JONESING for a fight. Oh mercy. Ladies, I BESEECH you: if anyone who is reading this has the potential to be on the show, I need you to know: NEVER GO IN FOR THE ATTACK. This ended poorly for Jubilee, it ended poorly for Dominique, and it’s ending poorly for Jasmine right now.

This choke hold thing is so much for me. OH MY WORD WHAT IS SHE DOING?! Hoooowwwww. Whyyyyyy. And now I'm thinking about how she had that choker on earlier in the episode, why was that a running motif for her?!?

Goodness. She thought she was going into the conversation to get the pity rose and she got… the pity limo.

JASMINE: He didn’t give me a chance.
GRACE: He did, and you kept trying to choke him.
MAX: She choked.

Post-date (apparently Raven got the rose) Kristina, Raven and Rachel are lying in bed crying. PULL IT TOGETHER, LADIES. 

Two On One:
Whitney and Danielle L.

Well. It’s Romper Nation on this 2 on 1, right now. We forgot how wretched Danielle L's giggle is. Mercy.

They have obviously recycled the bed that they used from the Badlands on Kesley Poe and Ashley I’s two-on-one with Farmer Chris. Does this mean both girls are going home?

Danelle L, or “D. Lo” according to Vanessa, is trying to call Nick out on why she’s on the two-on-one. There’s no way for him to tell her “the producers totes made me do this.” Then Nick decides to send Whitney home. Whitney is definitely the THIS GUY of the season: 

Seriously couldn't tell you that guy's name (I think it was David?) but he made it to Ali Fedotowsky's like, top 6, or something crazy, and we had NO idea who he was... I'm pretty sure he got sent home from Iceland. The same place from whence Kasey got sent home on a two-on-one... When he was left on a glacier... After he'd just gotten a tattoo for Ali...

NICK: I can’t give you this rose.
CAROLYN: “So I will need you to leave.”
GRACE: “Actually I will need you to stay, while we fly away in the helicopter.”
WHITNEY: Do you think Danielle is ready for a relationship?
NICK: For me, this isn’t about Danelle, it’s about you and me.

Honestly so much sand in Whitney’s face right now. Poor girl.

Woof, Nick got a lot of sun today, mercy.

The two of them are reading made up words on the wall of a dungeon. Also there wasn’t even a cool setup down there. They just walked back out. Anyone remember Ali and Frank’s date in Turkey when they were in like, the grotto? Frank bought that rug. Oh I loved those two so much. I don't know why this has become the Ali Fedotowsky throwback blog today, but I'm here for it.

Still devastated especially since his girlfriend looked like this:

We all realized that Nick was going to send Danielle home because we heard the soundbite of Rachel saying “I didn’t know he’d send home both people on a two on one.” Everyone knows this but apparently Danielle. We are watching the train go off the tracks. She says she’s falling in love with him. He is SWEATING.

Ooooof that goodbye. GEEZ. Bye, girl.

Nick goes back to the hotel and is WEEPING to the women. And Danielle M is SHOOK (isn't that what the kids say?) 

This is me, about Corinne next week:

Honestly it's also me whenever the president tweets, sooooo... 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

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