Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Ah, Venice...

As we watch the opening ceremonies, I have three thoughts: 1) Whoaaaa Marcus is in love. 2) Oh snap, so is Nick. 3) I can’t wait to see Josh take the lie detector test.

This commentary is dedicated to Courteney Lynn Leggett. She stage manages like a BOSS, and she had the powers of observation that Cody is a mini-Macklemore. This rose is for you, Courteney.

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

So we’re in Venice this week. If anyone DIDN’T immediately think of THIS…
You may see yourself out... 
We DID get a traipse this week, and after drawing straws, Bachelorette Gopher Jacob (HOW he is STILL at the bottom of the barrel, I know not) got the short one, and had to go out in the little paddle boat in the canal to get the wide shot of Andi leaning out of her hotel window.

Testosterone Josh has weighed the options, you guys. There’s NO way that anyone who’s NOT Cody is getting the one on one date. With Andrew and his statistical analysis gone this week, Josh has stepped up to the plate, in order to tell the American viewers who will be getting the one-on-one. So naturally, after announcing that “I have a surprise for you. The one on one date starts RIGHT NOW,” Andi chose… Nick.

One on One: Nick

If anything, let’s clap it up for some self-awareness, as we open with Nick’s, “I mean, I sucked on the last group date...”

But LISTEN. You can take the reins and make this show your own, Dwarfman (anyone remember how intent DeAnna was, on “setting her own rules?”) but don’t sit there and say that you chose Nick for the first one on one because “the guys need to see that they can trust me.”

Because “trusting you” in this instance means, “watching you make a really, really selfish decision.” Sure, she needed to figure out what was going on with Nick, especially after he (to borrow one of Hare’s favorite terms) “self-admittedly” sucked on the last group date, but this was still totally a move that was looking out for number one, so don’t try and make it sound like it was anything else.
Return of Jafar: most underrated sequel of ALL TIME

Before the announcement of Nick’s one on one, Cody is pretty stoked because he’s certain he’ll get the one on one. He asserts that he hasn’t had a one on one date because Andi is waiting for a “really special spot.”


Underneath that quote from Magic Cody, I wrote “Cody is the lovechild of Sean Lowe and Macklemore. That is all.”

The Codester had some verbal gems this week, among which was heard, “I feel like I’m the dead dog in the group, just kinda being strung along…” For how ill-articulated some of his phrases were, this one was actually pretty spot-on. In fact, I hope a guy strings me along one day just so I can use this phrase.

Ohhhh Mama Rene is in the Suave booth, today. I put the TV on mute and just waited for the makeover montage. There wasn’t one. The final product was disappointing. (How’s that bracelet collection of Ben’s going, I wonder?)

While I will commend his positive attitude (he seems like a genuinely upbeat guy) Cody “feels like the odd duck out.”


Ewwww these pigeons at St. Mark’s. Don’t be salty, Nick. And whoaaa Andi pulled away from their street/walking kiss REAL quick. Have they not had the “Nick was salty on the group date” chat, yet? They get into a gondola and I can’t even hear what they are saying to one another because of the Lady and the Tramp accordion in the background, right now.

Meanwhile, back on the farm, I’m loving how much bromance is happening with the guys getting excited for Magic Cody to get a date, when his name isn’t called on the group card. THOUGHT: I wonder if producers knew that Magic Cody was gonna be sent home on his date, so they made Andi take him second so that he and Nick could sit in that faux sauna and try for some drama…

Andi and Nick schlep to a “Masquerade Hall” (Ok, I’m sorry, what exactly constitutes a masquerade hall? Theory: Poor Jacob was still seasick from catching Andi doing the hotel-window-traipse from the paddle boat, but he was fighting to take his job seriously at the promise of a promotion. So as he was tossing his cookies out of the back of the gondola, he mumbled “it’s a masquerade ball” to a mask-bound Andi, carrying out the producers orders to inform her of the next part of the date. Because he was heaving, Andi happened to hear “Masquerade hall,” and neither she nor Nick bothered to stop and consider how odd that one sounds.)

Andi had some questions for Nicholas, including: “Is sweet little Nick not that sweet anymore?” and she hit us with the verbal amethyst: “I find it very attractive of a man who others like.”

Come again, Dwarfman?
Ok now this – THIS is the “deep conversation” that Andi was seeking with Josh, last week. She and Nick are able to discuss an issue not only with clarity but also with specificity. And then she asks him, “Do you think you’re a front runner?” WHOAA SHE WENT THERE.

Because he had time during the entirety of the Masquerade Hall date to sleep off his sickness, wake up, and chug a few beers, Jacob was alive and well to buy a round of shots for Nick, after he convinced him to deliver the “I’ve been wearing a mask” line.

Aaaaand her reply to his “I’m falling in love with you” was “I like to hear that.”
I think we're done, here... 

Group Date: Dylan, Josh, Coach, JJ, Farmer Chris, Marcus
After a quick Venetian traipse, Andi takes them to a medieval torture chamber and starts in with “It’s all about honesty for me, and I think you guys have been really honest and that’s great…” SO NATURALLY THE NEXT STEP IS TO ADMINISTER A LIE DETECTOR TEST.

So Dylan's looking a little queasy (debatably due to the fact that he had to admit, on national television, to sleeping with over twenty people) and he- Wait. Did he just leave? He told Andi he wasn’t feeling great and pointed to his head and his stomach like a six year old and… is he gone? Is he like, gone?

Ok this is officially the WORST date in Bachelor history. Worse than when that girl Trish (who dated Ryan Seacrest in fifth grade, BY THE WAY) interrupted Jesse Palmer’s one-on-one date and offered him a key to her hotel room. Worse than Kasey aka Kermit the frog being left on an iceberg after a two-on-one, with nothing to keep warm save for his “guard and protect” tattoo. WORSE THAN THE #SANTA #ANNA #WINDS ON #KASEY AND #DEZ’S DATE. Did Dylan seriously leave? Who authorized this stupid set up? Why did Andi act like she was surprised that Dylan wouldn’t be feeling so great after taking a lie detector test where he was asked if he had slept with over twenty people?

And with, “That door opening is scary!” Andi has just uttered perhaps the worst line of this date. Or at least: a dead giveaway that SHE too thinks it’s the WORST EVER, if that’s all she can come up with. What do the “results” of the lie detector test even mean? ‘Cause if Ricardo’s just gonna trot out and say “Dylan lied on two questions,” And not bother to mention that a) he HONESTLY answered about with how many people he’d slept, and b) the questions that he “lied about” were “Is your name Dylan?” and “Is Italy your favorite country in the world?” (Is it just me, or is twenty people kind of a lot? Should I ask my LRPG member, Neanderthal Bryan? (By the way: the LRPG this week was limited to Granny, aka: my Mom, who is the pea-nuttiest of peanut galleries – I threatened to tape her mouth shut roughly four times.) But seriously: was Dylan  lying with shame, on that answer, or shamefully telling the truth? Oy, kids these days…)

Ricardo handed the sealed results to the Andi-nator, and then provided the sealed results of Andi’s test, for the gentlemen. Ha, I’m loving that Coach opened it right up, cause he didn’t consider that she was going to make a big dramatic scene of ripping up their results.


In addition to Coach’s eager pursuit of the results to Andi’s lie detector test, let’s clap it up for his “IT FEELS GOOD TO STEP UP AND TAKE THE INITIATIVE.” Oh Coach. You can take initiative with me any day of the week.

Can't lose. 
Poor Neanderthal Josh is having a really hard time wrapping his mind around what kind of guy would take a pen to paper and write “secret admirer” notes to the Andi-nator. He would like to think that “when it comes down to the final eight, everyone already ADMIRES her…” Fortunately, Farmer Chris comes from the simpler times of an Iowan farm, and is quite handy with a pen and paper… Later on when they’re talking one on one, Andi is wondering why Josh is taking the lie detector test so personally, when really: poor guy thinks that Andi planned the date. He has no idea that the producers were in charge of it. He thinks that Andi administered a lie detector test because she genuinely didn’t trust the guys. He has no clue that Ricardo was manning a patisserie and minding his own business when good ole Jacob pulled him aside and asked if he’d be willing to grill some guys about farting in the poob-lic. (Once again, J-Cake did this because of the carrot that was a promotion being dangled in front of him, by Hare and Producer Elan Gale, as they chuckled and sipped Venetian bourbon in the corner…)

WHERE IS DYLAN?!?! And if he really just up and left, why didn’t we see footage of the Venetian bellhop retrieving his suitcase??

Ohhhh Marcus says he is in love with Andi. IT GETS SOONER AND SOONER EACH SEASON. Remember when it used to be a big deal for them to say they were falling in love, when it came down to just two of them? REMEMBER WHEN IT USED TO BE A BIG DEAL (circa Jason Mesnick) TO TELL THEM YOU HAD A KID? Oy VEY. Andi then asked Marcus if that’s what he answered on the lie detector test and he said “yes.”

WELL WHAT IF THAT WAS A LIE?! (What if his answer to that question was registered as a lie, but also what if his answer just then was a lie? WHY DID ANDI RIP UP THE RESULTS?!)

Yeah, ok this is a 100% COOL sauna that Magic Cody and Nick are sitting in, right now. They have turned the heat OFF. Producer Elan let Jacob have ONE sip of his rich bourbon, which fueled Jake’s taste of his lingering promotion and gave him the confidence to storm through the double doors of the hotel suite and say “WE’RE GOING TO THE SAUNA, BOOOOOYZ!” Upon realizing how this may have sounded, he quickly backpeddaled with “we’re just going to get some B roll. I’ve already turned off the hot stones. You won’t have to sweat and you won’t have to talk to each other… Just grab a towel and follow me…” 

One on One Date: Magic Cody
Mime on his money and money on his mime...

Let’s get something out of the way: pretty much anything that is ever said about William Shakespeare on ABC… is a joke. Call me a snob, but I will not be educated on the greatest writer of all time by the same people that are responsible for this:

Oh, and by the way: if you’ve seen commercials for “The Quest,” you should know: I auditioned for that show. True story. Read about it: HERE
#ShamelessSelfPromotion #KaseyTaughtMeHow

Poor Andi thinks that Verona is the birthplace of Romeo and Juliet. It is the SETTING of Romeo and Juliet. SHAKESPEARE NEVER WENT TO VERONA. I’m going to assume that Hare and Gale were too far under the spell of that good ole Venetian bourbon to bother informing Andi or Magic Cody that there is absolutely NO basis for the assertion that "these balconies" are what inspired the Bard to write the friggen play.

AND FINALLY: before I dive into the rabbit hole that is dispelling the myth that Romeo and Juliet was the “greatest love story of all time,” I shall hark back to one of my favorite Latin teachers, who once proposed that Romeo and Juliet was a comedy, because what’s funnier than angsty teens who accidentally kill themselves in the name of love?

Anyone who says “Just give me that one chance and I can make her fall in love with me today,” CAN’T MAKE HER FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM TODAY. Magic Cody wants us to know: he’s gonna be pulling all the tricks out of the hat.

It should have been “I’m gonna be pulling out all the stops” or “She doesn’t know the tricks I have up my sleeve.” And in the case of the latter, telling Andi “if you keep me around, YOU’RE GONNA BE IN TROUBLE” was not the best trick to pull out of one's hat.

So they go to the Coalition of People that Believe That Juliet Is Real, and respond to letters like it’s more or less the North Pole. As magic Cody read his reply letter to Andi, Granny said “GIVE ME MY HIP BOOTS!” I asked her what on earth that could mean… she said, “You know, the boots that come up to your hips. It means that this sh*t is DEEP.”

Somehow Cody makes it all the way to dinner, and decides to whip out a letter that he has written Juliet… Noooooooo Magic Cody, put the letter awaaaaaayyyyy

It included, “Since you lived the greatest love story of all time, I hope you can bless ours…”

1) Did Cody go to school past 8th grade? Hey, Shakespeare didn’t, but…
2) Does he think Romeo and Juliet is a story from the Bible?

As she tearfully sends Magic Cody home, we hear Andi give voice to the burning question of all Bachelors and Bachelorettes past: “who am I to judge and say who’s right for me and who’s not?”

Rose Ceremony:

Ohhhh ok so Dylan was just like, actually sick. Thank God.

So this is an extremely articulate bunch, which is great, but it means that their frequent discussions of how they feel about congratulating or not congratulating one another are… kind of exhausting.

I will say this: Andi is very transparent. She is transparent because she chooses to play her cards that way. Dez was “transparent” because she… wasn’t capable of anything else (other than bizarre running metaphors, when it came to gaging how Brooks DIDN’T feel about her…) So when Andi told Hare that the night of the group date was rough for her, we knew exactly what she was talking about, although she seemed to neglect the fact that jetlag MIGHT have something to do with her tears… 

Brussels, next week. There better be chocolate.

Love, Dwarfman

Oh sure, why not?
THIS could be your future, Andi. Think about it. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014


Welcome to Marseilleeeee, boyyyyyz!!!

While we DIDN'T get this Dez Hartsock Salutation from Andi, we DID get a lot of "Marseilles, France." I'm pretty sure that EVERY time the setting was referenced on this episode, we got a city AND a country. As though it might slip our minds that we're in France, as we watch the boys tromp around in mime gear.

This commentary is dedicated to Catherine Bocksel. She has actually never received a dedication before, because I was waiting strictly for the right moment.

That moment has arrived.

She is one of my longest-running and most committed "frans" (you know... a friend.fan. She's a fan of the show, and she's a very dear friend of mine.) She texted me the following. last night:
"Can I ask for a personal favor? I'd like to request a separate blog post on Bachelor in Paradise. Based on the 20 second promo they showed. Thanks so much." Said separate post may be found HERE.

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Y'all, Andi's never been to Marseilles, France. You know who else probably hasn't? Farmer Chris. (sidenote: I won't complain about Farmer Chris' travel attire. Sensible grey tee with jeans. Meanwhile Josh M, our resident caveman, decided to travel in sweats. #BallPlayer #UnlikeKasey)

Instead of getting tons of footage of Andi traipsing around Marseilles, France and longingly gazing at architecture while we hear the voiceover about how Marseilles, France could be a GREAT place to fall in love, we are treated to Andi and Hare sitting at a cafe talking about Marseilles, France... Am I developing Stockholm Syndrome, as I find myself faintly wishing for the Traipse Footage, instead of this coffee shop convo with America's Favorite Host? I long for the Traipse. But then decide that America's Favorite Host is bringing the show down to earth with this CoffeeConvo. No, no, wait... Now I'm looking at her garbage bag skirt and I'm questioning EVERYTHING... Hare asks if she's falling in love. Blah, blah, BLAH, she dodges the question by gulping her now tepid French Roast, from Marseilles, France. Unlike the rest of the mimes guys, Hare is an expert at nonverbal communication, so he receives the French Roast Gulp, then raises her one: "So you are falling in love... is it the same guy?"

Did it hurt, Hare?


One on One: Josh
So our favorite neanderthal gets the one on one date, and good ole Andrew thinks that Josh getting the date is Andi's way of "saying she wants to send me home at the end of the week." Grace thinks Andrew needs to go back to Social Media Marketing in Culver City, California, USA, ASAP.


So Josh and Andi meander around the city... get on a boat... sit on some rocks... and refuse to stop touching. They are walking with their arms around each other. They're holding hands. We're seeing a close up of them holding hands. They haven't stopped touching. Oh sheesh, if this turns into what happened last season, when Sharleen couldn't "get to know" Juan Pablo cause they just kept MAKING OUT...

"Why can't I stop kissing you, Juan Pablo?" 

Andi keeps going on about how it's hard to get to know him, and even though their chemistry is off the charts, she wants to "get to know him on a deeper level" and "have deeper conversations" and "more deeply-" Hold up. Is it just me, or does Josh have a bug bite on his face, right now? I've resorted to zeroing in my focus on this possible bug bite, as a result of the boredom that has arisen in response to Andi's yapping about how she wants to ask deep questions. And for someone who's desperately seeking answers, why won't she make eye contact with him, on these cliffs right now?

Josh reminds me of the torrent of emotional angst that was Graham, on DeAnna’s season. (And the Graham that was involved with Michelle Money on Bachelor Pad: Season Whatever. (May Blakelee and Tony’s relationship rest in peace.) And may Michelle Money be less than “33 and still single” by the end of Bachelor in Paradise, although her odds don’t look so good…)

Ah, and at dinner, we finally get the “deep conversation” for which Dwarfman has been longing. And by “deep conversation,” I mean a vague discussion about Andi "judging guys who are my type as being athletes who cheat.”

A deep conversation... this is not.

But he gets a rose. 

In typical troglodyte fashion, Josh is STOKED about the subsequent private concert. No but seriously: because he’s a caveman, he has a very limited concept of music, therefore he is mega thrilled by the whole thing. Don’t tell me I’m being too hard on him: did you hear what sweet nothing Dwarfman whispered in his ear? “Shhh listen to the words…”

Speaking of cavemen, my personal favorite Neanderthal, Bryan, was a member of the Living Room Peanut Gallery, last night, in addition to my friend Johnny, who has rigorously dedicated himself to my Bachelor tutelage, as of late.(ie: he’s become a huge fan of the show, recently) As we were watching them sway to a Poor Man’s Josh Ratchet, I heard:

Johnny: He just kissed her nose.
Bryan: She kissed his first.
Johnny: Fair.

Welcome to the Living Room, booooyyyyzzz!!!
(These boyz are MEN)

Group Date: Everybody but Brian and Josh

Oh boy. Nick decided to inform Marquel that at the very first rose ceremony, Andrew referred to him as a “blackie.” The biggest problem with the whole thing: poor Marquel is in a bubble. So the Bachelorette Shrink was able to convince him that he should be WAY more upset than necessary about this. The same kind of Bubble Manipulation that is responsible for convincing 16 American women that they were vying for the affection of Prince Harry on a certain NBC show that just got axed. Thus, Marquel asserts that he is going to "challenge Andrew" later on. Something tells me cookies are not involved.

We arrive to the group date to see that it’s not a French equivalent of Boyz II Men, but… Dustin Hoffman teaching the art of Mime. All of France will be there for the performance. (Direct quote. Andi asked Hoffman “So now it is time for them to perform? For all of France?”)

Even though there’s STILL something about him that doesn’t sit right with me, Marcus summarized the experience supremely: “Americans should never come to France and mime. Ever." And no, Marcus ISN’T the only guy who had to strip AND mime, let’s not forget Magic Cody, who is very occupied with his “mime on his money and his money on his mime.”

May we take a brief moment to discuss Nick? For starters:

I don't know WHAT to make of the part where Andi called him "salty," except to surmise that she meant to say "sulky" but then decided to commit to "salty." I can only assume she did not intend to refer to him as "vulgar" or "aggressive." 

Unfortunately, during the Bros-Hang-Out-And-Drink-While-Other-Bros-Steal-Andi-Away-For-A-Minute, when Nick set Cody up to talk smack about Andrew, Cody chose to talk about NICK. 


And let’s not fail to acknowledge that set up. If Nick were a quarterback, that setup was the equivalent of the QB donning an invisibility cloak before winding up to throw the ball. It was subtle, it was stealthy, and instead of catching the ball and running it in for a touchdown, Cody caught the ball and more or less handed it to the opposing team on a silver platter.

I rarely find myself siding with the antagonist in these instances, but I was 100% on Nick’s side. Should he have come home from his date saying that he had the strongest connection with Andi? Probably not. But was it detrimental to anyone who still their sanity, at that point? No. (Now when it comes to the Marquels and the JJs who get sucked into Bubble Manipulation Land by the Bachelorette Shrink, where sanity is questionable... all bets are off.)

Patrick (resident darkhorse, anyone?) added fuel to the fire with his, "Arrogance is not a quality of a gentleman." CLEARLY we need to set up Patrick with Kelly, from I Wanna Marry Harry, who is all about “how to behave like a lady.” AMIRITE?

Let’s not forget that Andi fights crime for a living (wait, this just in: she officially left her Assistant DA job in Hotlanta.) Ok so she DID fight crime for a living. And if she can take pictures of graffiti on cinderblocks, then she can CERTAINLY deduce when there’s drama going on in the next room. So what does she do to get the scoop? She pulls aside the Simpleton. Farmer Chris.

Surprising NO ONE, Farmer Chris is incapable of subtleties, and barred NO holds as he laid everything out on the table for Andi.

And sure, I can applaud the way that Marquel handled himself in the confrontation with Andrew (how else did he think it was going to go?) and how he handled himself in front of Andi, but the MVP award goes to… Nick.
Let’s be honest: the way he handled himself is rather unprecedented. He took COMPLETE responsibility and apologized to all parties. No one seemed to know what to do with THAT one.

Instances to which Nick's handling of himself are NOT similar include, but are not limited to:

London calling... 

Melissa calling... 

And... Wait for it... 
Hottest mess in Bachelor history...

Oh, and JJ got the rose.

One on One Date: Coach
I mean, I don't wanna say "Coach crashed and burned," but... COACH CRASHED AND BURNED. 

To be fair, he got the stupid movie date. (Anyone remember when they watched "Brave" on Emily Maynard's season, talked WAY too much about how you have to be brave to find love, then hosted their own highland games?) It seemed to be smooth sailing on this date...  until they got to the kitchen.

Based on Coach's behavior, we are left to assume the WORST about his experience in the kitchen. Did he murder someone in a kitchen? Is the kitchen where he found out Santa Clause wasn't real? Either way, this is what THE Coach would've had to say about it:
WWCD? What would Coach (Taylor) do?

Fortunately Andi's Coach was able to pull himself together once they left the kitchen and got some decent food... She gave him a rose because... How could you not?
The relevance of this photo is 0%.
Every rose she gives him brings her one step closer to being Mrs. Eric Taylor, and lemme tell you: girls don't dream that "someday my prince will come," they dream "SOMEDAY I'LL BE TAMI TAYLOR."

Tami, y'all.
So not only did she keep the guys waiting around FOREVER, before the rose ceremony, but Chris had to let them know that there would be NO cocktail party, and then they had to film all the interviews of the guys whining about it... Andrew, Marquel and Patrick (darkhorse, no more) got sent home. I only have two questions:
1) Why was she holding the boutonnieres up ridiculously high, while she made duck faces at the guys?


Oh... What's that? Alright, FINE. I'll oblige. 

One more for the road... 


Bachelor in Paradise, Y'all.

Katie's recap of the promo:

"Chris Harrison in a linen suit. Everything after that was a let down."

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

I Hope They Have More Game Off the Court Than On...

Please excuse me while I get RIGHT TO THE POINT (just pretend I'm one of those contestants who KNOWS they're going home by the time the cocktail party rolls around, so they have to bypass the smalltalk, get right to the point, and make one last ditch effort to get a pity rose by staging a mock interview with Juan Pablo cause they're a news anchor... Last season, anyone? ANYONE?!) 

Ok but the point is: I watched four hours of Bachelorette last night, y'all. 

Chris Harrison, I am more dedicated to you than your WIFE. (Wait, nevermi-. Too soon? Sorry. ) 

This post is dedicated to Alexa Hujik. I want very little else in life than to entertain the people. Alexa does an outstanding job of affirming that this goal has been met. This rose is for you, Alexa.  

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

Ohhhh greeeeat. Andi's gonna repel down a cliff with one of them...  Aaaaand there's Boyz II Men.* This still won't beat the time Brad and Ashley had to sing Seal's "Kiss From a Rose."

OK WHO IS THE GUY WHO HAS THE SOCIALLY AWKWARD WHEREWITHAL TO HUG HER WHILE SHE SAYS "this is so real to me" in the promo, when she's crying?!?! I am DYING to know...

All the guys assemble in the den while Chris announces the Santa Barbara Jaunt. Clearly Cody drew the shortest straw and had to squat on the ottoman next to the couch, because there's no room on those couches for all those rippling pectorals.. Wait does this date card distribution mean that they're not all leaving Los Angeles? Like, they don't get to leave the house if they don't have a date this week? #Bummer.

Speaking of Hashtags, I miss #Kasey. Remember that date with Dez when the Santa Ana winds went crazy? #NeverGetsOld

And I just want everyone to know... we're in Lizard's Mouth, California. 

One on One Date: Nick 
(First Impression Rose guy) 

Alright, I'm not mad about Nick. I am a little mad about Andi using the words "school boy crush," but I'm very un-mad about Nick's existence, in general. He seemed a little socially awkward at first, and blah blah he's a skeptic of the process, but he seems like a real human. Oh, and he isn't desperate for love, you guys. He's told us this. Direct quote: "I MEAN I'M NOT DESPERATE FOR LOVE, OR ANYTHING..." And fyi: this is a normal date. Andi's told us this. Several times. They drink wine that magically appeared at the summit of their hike (#thanksJake) and tromp around a bit,and then when Andi asks Nick "why are you still single?" we hear the mystical/possibly ominous instrumental music in the background... the outcome seems questionable...

The results of this conversation were extraordinarily uneventful.

Nick got a rose. I am DYING to set him up with Sharleen. Almost as much as I'm dying to know who thought it was ok to hug Andi while she was crying and ranting... And then kept hanging onto her while she continued to cry and rant...

Meanwhile, back on the farm, we hear the fount of wisdom that is Andrew, as he mathematically breaks down Nick's chances. "It's gonna be a 50/50 chance, whether he gets a rose tonight..." #WordsOfWisdomWithAndrew
We hear a big fat group date get announced, that includes Ryan, Marquel, Cody, Tasos. Brett. Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus.
And here's a question: what do Josh M's bicep tattoos say?? Living Room Peanut Gallery (LRPG) is voting "RIDE" on one arm and "OR DIE" on the other. Bonus question: is this the first season where the guys have read the end of the date card as "HEART Andi" not "LOVE Andi?" Am I right?

Group Date: 
Well... just, EVERYONE. 

In case there was ANY question, I just want to take a brief moment to remind all of our friends here tonight that, as confirmed by the LRPG: this is the hottest batch of dudes we've seen in a long time.

Let us make way for the yuk yuk queen herself, Andi D, who started us off with "It's gonna be a challenge, but we're gonna separate the boys from the men..." THERE IT IS. And lest we forget the king of yuk yuk himself, Christopher B. Harrison, with his sensible introduction when the guys came out onstage: "From Boyz II Men to some men... who sound like... bad boys."

So the guys start high fiving when they hear Boyz II Men singing "Make Love to You." Are Eric and Cody about to have a moment, right now? They're so into... each other, about this song right now. Aaaaand we find out that Eric touched his first butt to this song in seventh grade. Thaaaangggyewww. The LRPG started a lively discussion at this point, about how many members were originally in the group, whether or not they went their separate ways and pared numbers down, or if perhaps one or two members were convalescing and couldn't make it to the show...

The results of this discussion were extraordinarily uneventful... 

Well... These men are CERTAINLY committed to singing....It's mostly endearing except for OPERA SINGER BRADLEY, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO YOU:

Ok well of COURSE Schmeric can sing, cause he's just Mr. Renaissance in the flesh...

Listen, I'M SORRY I'M SO CALLOUS ABOUT SCHMERIC. I can't get too attached. I just can't. He's perfect and I can't. I'm steeling myself. Bear with me. My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar and I must pause till it return to me.
(If you don't get that reference, you may show yourself out...)

Despite his sick "RIDE OR DIE" tattoos bro, Josh M can't sing to SAVE. HIS. SOUL. But he's so committed. He gets at least fifty points for the commitment to bad singing.

And I am loveing the chick on her Dad's shoulders in the crowd that they set up to be THIS:

So they sing in matching outfits... Blah blah blah... It's really (mostly) bad... Bradley is just lamentable... yada yada... Then Andi decides to "pull one" on Magic Cody, by telling him that she's heard that he has a girlfriend...
1) I'm glad he didn't secretly ACTUALLY have a girlfriend. Cause that woulda been ugly...
2) Can we talk about how the Pull-A-Yuk-Yuk turns out? MUST WE HARK BACK TO AMANDA R. HIRING WEIRD FAKE PARENTS FOR HER HOMETOWN DATE on Bachelor: London Calling with Matt Grant (yes, I TOTALLY just went there)

The point is: this joke is stupid and un-funny. And Cody is so roided out that he somehow took it as a thoughtful gesture.. #sheesh (#SorryBoutThoseSantaAnas #Kasey) . 

And finally... I'm fairly convinced that RideOrDie aka Josh M. has testosterone shakes for BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER. I go back and forth between thinking it's fairly sexy... and then thinking HE'S A CAVEMAN. I'm on the latter, right now. 

One on One: JJ.
 Let's parade around as old people. 

Before we discuss ANYTHING, if you haven't seen "Hello My Name Is: Donna Higby" on collegehumor, STOP reading this and watch it. Cause the before and after is THIS:
So it looks like most of the date was spent in hair and make up (what, did it start at 4 am?) and then they went out and pranced around as geriatrics... Gotta admire a man that can whip some old fashioned cartwheels out of his back pocket, like the Jster... Also, let's just take a moment to acknowledge that this is 100% NOT a way to determine what it will be like to grow old with someone... And I certainly hope Andi's voice doesn't sound like a woman on her death bed when she's still walking upright in her eighties...

Rose Ceremony:
Blah blah blah the men confront Andrew cause he got a phone number from the hostess at the restaurant and bragged about it - dude, why were they at a restaurant? And where? When? Did he ask  for her number or did she volunteer it? (sidenote: this confrontation is EXACTLY why my father doesn't enjoy the Bachelorette like he enjoys the Bachelor: no cat fights.) I mean, I applaud the way that the men called Andrew out, but alas...

The results of the confrontation were extraordinarily uneventful.

Ah, Andrew is convinced that JJ and Josh are threatened by him. (Hey, Andrew, I get it: Mila Kunis throws me MAJOR shade whenever I see her... at that place I see her... because she's THREATENED by me, ok?  She is straight up intimidated by THIS. *gestures to visor, fanny pack and Vibrams* Mila's all like, "Ashtonnn don't go near that girl, stay with me and the babyyy..")

It would seem that Andrew is very much lying about the whole situation, circa James on Dez's season. It's one man's word against six. Not to mention the Caveman (aka RideOrDie) is FIRED UP about it. (But seriously: he said "fired up" last night about as many times as Andi said "staaahh-op" on the last episode...)

Roses went to: Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, and Andrew
(So Brett and Bradley went home. And Ron left earlier in the episode.)

(My commentary thins as the night goes on; worry not)

And now we venture (quite inexplicably) to New England... Let's take a moment to observe that Farmer Chris has never before been to New England. And this is the nicest hotel he's ever stayed in. LRPG has decided that Chris knows NO MORE than 100 people.

One on One: Dylan
(If life is a train track... They wanna ride it all night long...) 

I am loving some Dylan right now, although Andrew is again "50/50 on whether he gets a rose." (Which is actually an upgrade from his last comment, because he is now saying that he's completely split down the middle about whether or not Dylan gets the rose, not his chances of getting a rose...)

On the train, Dylan and Andi are as stiff as JJ's cartwheelin' bones will be when he's 80, while they stare out the window and talk about... rivers.  But whatever. Dylan reminds me of Jake Gyllenhaal and I am not the LEAST bit mad about it.
Heeeey Dylaaaan

Group Date:
Love and Basketball... or Love and Lisa Leslie... or Love and... COACH. 

Brian, JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric. Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian "WeCallHimCoach" and Josh playing against... The WNBA.

Woo hoo, the token competition episode. The one where Blakelee cried on Ben's season. The one with the volleyball game where they had to shoot more interview footage of Catherine and Dez in Curacao, on Sean's season, even though the game took place in Los Angeles. Didn't Sean invite both teams out anyway on that date, too? Cause he definitely did on that one where they had to milk a goat... Yes, the one where Tiara showed up, even though she was going on a two-on-one the very next day...

Well the boys got schooled by the WNBA players, and then played against each other. Winning team gets to have more time with Andi, yada yada...

Let's just take a second to linger on "Coach Brian"...  Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
Clear eyes... strong heart... CAN'T LOSE.

Let us clap it up for Marquel, who had gems like. "They can just go back to the hotel and eat cereal or...whatever it is that losers eat..." and "We wake up in the morning and we just breathe excellence..." While the losers ate Loser Cereal, the winners showered champagne... on the locker room shower...

Coach got the rose at the end of the night, but he didn't get the kiss. Andi and Eric had an odd but useful conversation about where they stood with each other... I'll give this one to them: that was one of the most constructive clearing-of-the-air conversations I've ever seen on this show... (little did we know what was coming...)

One on One Date: Marcus

And next up, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our token adrenaline date! Step right up, folks, to see a dude go on a date and make it much further than the dude who burns out after sparkling on the first one-on-one of the season, get your popcorn right hereeee....

Honestly, there's just something about Marcus that doesn't sit well with me. Or as Amy J, my all time favorite (albeit short-lived) contestant from Juan Pablo's season... (remember the masseuse?) would say "he just rubs me the wrong way."


This is how I feel about Andi's "fear of heights"

It officially took FOREVER for Andi to make it off the top of the building. And Marus did... very little to persuade her to keep going. Not that I'm upset about it (anyone wanna talk about when JP had to convince BabyChelsie to jump off that bridge thing?) Poor InternGopher Jacob must have had such a hard time coordinating the ropes to drop down past the window of the guys' suite... (Just a quick reminder: Andi repelled down the nicest hotel in which Chris has ever stayed...)

I'm definitely not mad that Marcus covered up that rose on the table. I've been wanting someone to do that for YEARS. In fact, it seems like such an obvious choice, that for it to have been avoided for THIS long means that surely there must have been some kind of collective gasp from the producers/Jacob, when Marcus broke the unspoken rule and CONCEALED THE ROSE.

I mean, I just... Who's Jon Pardi? Where are they right now? A country concert in a casino? Why does Marcus LOVE Jon Pardi? Does he even? Is Andi "Acting" right now? Where's the real Andi? Where's the real Jon Pardi? WHO'S the real Jon Pardi?!

Marcus got a rose. We found out that SOMEONE (LRPG's vote is on Gopher Jacob) is sending Andi "secret admirer" notes (but SERIOUSLY is this seventh grade?)

Tasos went home. (And BY THE WAY, they didnt show his awkward hug, but according to positioning when Andi gave her rant cry speech, Tasos was the hugger. Mystery solved.) But they didn't show Tasos leaving because they addressed Eric. I thought they did a really tasteful job doing so. I am curious about his exit. Mostly because it seemed to come out of left field, based on their conversation the day before. (And yes, I had to Steel Magnolia my soul against the oceanic depths of Eric's baby blues, when he spoke of his desire for Andi to be real with him...) And even though I wave the flag loud and proud at the helm of the gaggle of girls who parade around with HUGE TEMPERS... I think Andi overreacted a bit. Only because she seemed to take it like he was calling her a FameMongrelActress, when really, it seemed like he was just asking her to be genuine with him...

Verbal Faux Pas:

-Maybe the reason Marcus rubs me the wrong way is because of when he spoke of his jealousy that "got a one on one before me." Work on those pronouns, brah.
- I think it was during her face off with Eric when Andi told him that what he was saying "strikes such a chord with me." First of all, I believe this phrase is to be used with a positive connotation, when one is touched or moved by something, not irked by it. Secondly, I don't think you're supposed to use that phrase in the present tense, just the past tense. And finally: Andi's from Georgia. Therefore, it is appropriate to suggest that the term she was looking for was "that sticks in my craw." (Disclaimer: if this phrase is actually wildly offensive, I apologize. My Mom has used it since I was about 7.)
- Andi asked Marquel, "Is black a color?" I'll let this one speak for itself...

*True story: there was some kind of prize that involved this group, on the back of  a Froot Loops box when I was a kid, and I was SO baffled about why they couldn't spell correctly and what the "LL" meant, in the middle of their name...