I Hope They Have More Game Off the Court Than On...

Please excuse me while I get RIGHT TO THE POINT (just pretend I'm one of those contestants who KNOWS they're going home by the time the cocktail party rolls around, so they have to bypass the smalltalk, get right to the point, and make one last ditch effort to get a pity rose by staging a mock interview with Juan Pablo cause they're a news anchor... Last season, anyone? ANYONE?!) 

Ok but the point is: I watched four hours of Bachelorette last night, y'all. 

Chris Harrison, I am more dedicated to you than your WIFE. (Wait, nevermi-. Too soon? Sorry. ) 

This post is dedicated to Alexa Hujik. I want very little else in life than to entertain the people. Alexa does an outstanding job of affirming that this goal has been met. This rose is for you, Alexa.  

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

Promos:
Ohhhh greeeeat. Andi's gonna repel down a cliff with one of them...  Aaaaand there's Boyz II Men.* This still won't beat the time Brad and Ashley had to sing Seal's "Kiss From a Rose."

OK WHO IS THE GUY WHO HAS THE SOCIALLY AWKWARD WHEREWITHAL TO HUG HER WHILE SHE SAYS "this is so real to me" in the promo, when she's crying?!?! I am DYING to know...

All the guys assemble in the den while Chris announces the Santa Barbara Jaunt. Clearly Cody drew the shortest straw and had to squat on the ottoman next to the couch, because there's no room on those couches for all those rippling pectorals.. Wait does this date card distribution mean that they're not all leaving Los Angeles? Like, they don't get to leave the house if they don't have a date this week? #Bummer.

Speaking of Hashtags, I miss #Kasey. Remember that date with Dez when the Santa Ana winds went crazy? #NeverGetsOld

And I just want everyone to know... we're in Lizard's Mouth, California. 

One on One Date: Nick 

(First Impression Rose guy) 

Alright, I'm not mad about Nick. I am a little mad about Andi using the words "school boy crush," but I'm very un-mad about Nick's existence, in general. He seemed a little socially awkward at first, and blah blah he's a skeptic of the process, but he seems like a real human. Oh, and he isn't desperate for love, you guys. He's told us this. Direct quote: "I MEAN I'M NOT DESPERATE FOR LOVE, OR ANYTHING..." And fyi: this is a normal date. Andi's told us this. Several times. They drink wine that magically appeared at the summit of their hike (#thanksJake) and tromp around a bit,and then when Andi asks Nick "why are you still single?" we hear the mystical/possibly ominous instrumental music in the background... the outcome seems questionable...

The results of this conversation were extraordinarily uneventful.

Nick got a rose. I am DYING to set him up with Sharleen. Almost as much as I'm dying to know who thought it was ok to hug Andi while she was crying and ranting... And then kept hanging onto her while she continued to cry and rant...

Meanwhile, back on the farm, we hear the fount of wisdom that is Andrew, as he mathematically breaks down Nick's chances. "It's gonna be a 50/50 chance, whether he gets a rose tonight..." #WordsOfWisdomWithAndrew
We hear a big fat group date get announced, that includes Ryan, Marquel, Cody, Tasos. Brett. Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus.

And here's a question: what do Josh M's bicep tattoos say?? Living Room Peanut Gallery (LRPG) is voting "RIDE" on one arm and "OR DIE" on the other. Bonus question: is this the first season where the guys have read the end of the date card as "HEART Andi" not "LOVE Andi?" Am I right?



Group Date: 
Well... just, EVERYONE. 

In case there was ANY question, I just want to take a brief moment to remind all of our friends here tonight that, as confirmed by the LRPG: this is the hottest batch of dudes we've seen in a long time.

Let us make way for the yuk yuk queen herself, Andi D, who started us off with "It's gonna be a challenge, but we're gonna separate the boys from the men..." THERE IT IS. And lest we forget the king of yuk yuk himself, Christopher B. Harrison, with his sensible introduction when the guys came out onstage: "From Boyz II Men to some men... who sound like... bad boys."

So the guys start high fiving when they hear Boyz II Men singing "Make Love to You." Are Eric and Cody about to have a moment, right now? They're so into... each other, about this song right now. Aaaaand we find out that Eric touched his first butt to this song in seventh grade. Thaaaangggyewww. The LRPG started a lively discussion at this point, about how many members were originally in the group, whether or not they went their separate ways and pared numbers down, or if perhaps one or two members were convalescing and couldn't make it to the show...

The results of this discussion were extraordinarily uneventful... 

Well... These men are CERTAINLY committed to singing....It's mostly endearing except for OPERA SINGER BRADLEY, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO YOU:

Ok well of COURSE Schmeric can sing, cause he's just Mr. Renaissance in the flesh...

Listen, I'M SORRY I'M SO CALLOUS ABOUT SCHMERIC. I can't get too attached. I just can't. He's perfect and I can't. I'm steeling myself. Bear with me. My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar and I must pause till it return to me.
(If you don't get that reference, you may show yourself out...)

Despite his sick "RIDE OR DIE" tattoos bro, Josh M can't sing to SAVE. HIS. SOUL. But he's so committed. He gets at least fifty points for the commitment to bad singing.

And I am loveing the chick on her Dad's shoulders in the crowd that they set up to be THIS:

So they sing in matching outfits... Blah blah blah... It's really (mostly) bad... Bradley is just lamentable... yada yada... Then Andi decides to "pull one" on Magic Cody, by telling him that she's heard that he has a girlfriend...
1) I'm glad he didn't secretly ACTUALLY have a girlfriend. Cause that woulda been ugly...
2) Can we talk about how the Pull-A-Yuk-Yuk turns out? MUST WE HARK BACK TO AMANDA R. HIRING WEIRD FAKE PARENTS FOR HER HOMETOWN DATE on Bachelor: London Calling with Matt Grant (yes, I TOTALLY just went there)

The point is: this joke is stupid and un-funny. And Cody is so roided out that he somehow took it as a thoughtful gesture.. #sheesh (#SorryBoutThoseSantaAnas #Kasey) . 

And finally... I'm fairly convinced that RideOrDie aka Josh M. has testosterone shakes for BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER. I go back and forth between thinking it's fairly sexy... and then thinking HE'S A CAVEMAN. I'm on the latter, right now. 

One on One: JJ.
 Let's parade around as old people. 

Before we discuss ANYTHING, if you haven't seen "Hello My Name Is: Donna Higby" on collegehumor, STOP reading this and watch it. Cause the before and after is THIS:

So it looks like most of the date was spent in hair and make up (what, did it start at 4 am?) and then they went out and pranced around as geriatrics... Gotta admire a man that can whip some old fashioned cartwheels out of his back pocket, like the Jster... Also, let's just take a moment to acknowledge that this is 100% NOT a way to determine what it will be like to grow old with someone... And I certainly hope Andi's voice doesn't sound like a woman on her death bed when she's still walking upright in her eighties...


Rose Ceremony:
Blah blah blah the men confront Andrew cause he got a phone number from the hostess at the restaurant and bragged about it - dude, why were they at a restaurant? And where? When? Did he ask  for her number or did she volunteer it? (sidenote: this confrontation is EXACTLY why my father doesn't enjoy the Bachelorette like he enjoys the Bachelor: no cat fights.) I mean, I applaud the way that the men called Andrew out, but alas...

The results of the confrontation were extraordinarily uneventful.

Ah, Andrew is convinced that JJ and Josh are threatened by him. (Hey, Andrew, I get it: Mila Kunis throws me MAJOR shade whenever I see her... at that place I see her... because she's THREATENED by me, ok?  She is straight up intimidated by THIS. *gestures to visor, fanny pack and Vibrams* Mila's all like, "Ashtonnn don't go near that girl, stay with me and the babyyy..")

It would seem that Andrew is very much lying about the whole situation, circa James on Dez's season. It's one man's word against six. Not to mention the Caveman (aka RideOrDie) is FIRED UP about it. (But seriously: he said "fired up" last night about as many times as Andi said "staaahh-op" on the last episode...)

Roses went to: Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, and Andrew
(So Brett and Bradley went home. And Ron left earlier in the episode.)

MONDAY NIGHT'S EPISODE:
(My commentary thins as the night goes on; worry not)

And now we venture (quite inexplicably) to New England... Let's take a moment to observe that Farmer Chris has never before been to New England. And this is the nicest hotel he's ever stayed in. LRPG has decided that Chris knows NO MORE than 100 people.

One on One: Dylan
(If life is a train track... They wanna ride it all night long...) 

I am loving some Dylan right now, although Andrew is again "50/50 on whether he gets a rose." (Which is actually an upgrade from his last comment, because he is now saying that he's completely split down the middle about whether or not Dylan gets the rose, not his chances of getting a rose...)

On the train, Dylan and Andi are as stiff as JJ's cartwheelin' bones will be when he's 80, while they stare out the window and talk about... rivers.  But whatever. Dylan reminds me of Jake Gyllenhaal and I am not the LEAST bit mad about it.

Heeeey Dylaaaan

Group Date:
Love and Basketball... or Love and Lisa Leslie... or Love and... COACH. 

Brian, JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric. Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian "WeCallHimCoach" and Josh playing against... The WNBA.

Woo hoo, the token competition episode. The one where Blakelee cried on Ben's season. The one with the volleyball game where they had to shoot more interview footage of Catherine and Dez in Curacao, on Sean's season, even though the game took place in Los Angeles. Didn't Sean invite both teams out anyway on that date, too? Cause he definitely did on that one where they had to milk a goat... Yes, the one where Tiara showed up, even though she was going on a two-on-one the very next day...

Well the boys got schooled by the WNBA players, and then played against each other. Winning team gets to have more time with Andi, yada yada...

Let's just take a second to linger on "Coach Brian"...  Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

Clear eyes... strong heart... CAN'T LOSE.

Let us clap it up for Marquel, who had gems like. "They can just go back to the hotel and eat cereal or...whatever it is that losers eat..." and "We wake up in the morning and we just breathe excellence..." While the losers ate Loser Cereal, the winners showered champagne... on the locker room shower...

Coach got the rose at the end of the night, but he didn't get the kiss. Andi and Eric had an odd but useful conversation about where they stood with each other... I'll give this one to them: that was one of the most constructive clearing-of-the-air conversations I've ever seen on this show... (little did we know what was coming...)

One on One Date: Marcus

And next up, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our token adrenaline date! Step right up, folks, to see a dude go on a date and make it much further than the dude who burns out after sparkling on the first one-on-one of the season, get your popcorn right hereeee....

Honestly, there's just something about Marcus that doesn't sit well with me. Or as Amy J, my all time favorite (albeit short-lived) contestant from Juan Pablo's season... (remember the masseuse?) would say "he just rubs me the wrong way."

OH GOOD GRIEF I WILL GO ON THIS SHOW TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO JUST LEAP OFF A LEDGE, DECLARING NO FEAR OF HEIGHTS.

This is how I feel about Andi's "fear of heights"

It officially took FOREVER for Andi to make it off the top of the building. And Marus did... very little to persuade her to keep going. Not that I'm upset about it (anyone wanna talk about when JP had to convince BabyChelsie to jump off that bridge thing?) Poor InternGopher Jacob must have had such a hard time coordinating the ropes to drop down past the window of the guys' suite... (Just a quick reminder: Andi repelled down the nicest hotel in which Chris has ever stayed...)

I'm definitely not mad that Marcus covered up that rose on the table. I've been wanting someone to do that for YEARS. In fact, it seems like such an obvious choice, that for it to have been avoided for THIS long means that surely there must have been some kind of collective gasp from the producers/Jacob, when Marcus broke the unspoken rule and CONCEALED THE ROSE.

I mean, I just... Who's Jon Pardi? Where are they right now? A country concert in a casino? Why does Marcus LOVE Jon Pardi? Does he even? Is Andi "Acting" right now? Where's the real Andi? Where's the real Jon Pardi? WHO'S the real Jon Pardi?!

Marcus got a rose. We found out that SOMEONE (LRPG's vote is on Gopher Jacob) is sending Andi "secret admirer" notes (but SERIOUSLY is this seventh grade?)

Tasos went home. (And BY THE WAY, they didnt show his awkward hug, but according to positioning when Andi gave her rant cry speech, Tasos was the hugger. Mystery solved.) But they didn't show Tasos leaving because they addressed Eric. I thought they did a really tasteful job doing so. I am curious about his exit. Mostly because it seemed to come out of left field, based on their conversation the day before. (And yes, I had to Steel Magnolia my soul against the oceanic depths of Eric's baby blues, when he spoke of his desire for Andi to be real with him...) And even though I wave the flag loud and proud at the helm of the gaggle of girls who parade around with HUGE TEMPERS... I think Andi overreacted a bit. Only because she seemed to take it like he was calling her a FameMongrelActress, when really, it seemed like he was just asking her to be genuine with him...

Verbal Faux Pas:

-Maybe the reason Marcus rubs me the wrong way is because of when he spoke of his jealousy that "got a one on one before me." Work on those pronouns, brah.
- I think it was during her face off with Eric when Andi told him that what he was saying "strikes such a chord with me." First of all, I believe this phrase is to be used with a positive connotation, when one is touched or moved by something, not irked by it. Secondly, I don't think you're supposed to use that phrase in the present tense, just the past tense. And finally: Andi's from Georgia. Therefore, it is appropriate to suggest that the term she was looking for was "that sticks in my craw." (Disclaimer: if this phrase is actually wildly offensive, I apologize. My Mom has used it since I was about 7.)
- Andi asked Marquel, "Is black a color?" I'll let this one speak for itself...

*True story: there was some kind of prize that involved this group, on the back of  a Froot Loops box when I was a kid, and I was SO baffled about why they couldn't spell correctly and what the "LL" meant, in the middle of their name...

Love,
Dwarfman