Monday, July 25, 2016

And Now I'm Skewered...

Well I was expecting to see Luke on the screen when we turned on the TV and instead, I saw Bernie. Not mad. But definitely had a moment of panic and outrage that Bernie would be taking away from our time with that Dallas Fabulous blue aluminum foil dress at the rose ceremony…

Blah blah, Luke tells JoJo he’s in love with her, she cries, she gives roses to Jordan, Robby and Chase. Luke will be a great bachelor. I’m not really that concerned. But a definite shout out to the production designer that was in charge of this airplane hangar – down to the suitcase on which the roses sat. JoJo is crying about sending Luke home, but we all know she’s crying because she can’t breathe in that dress. She hugged him. Then adjusted her hair.

BRYAN: Why would she pick Chase over him?
CAROLYN: Why would she pick the woman over him?
LUKE: You didn’t... want me anymore…

Ok, here’s my theory: she knows she’s gonna pick Jordan and she wants to make her options easier. We all know she’s gonna pick Jordan. How much easier would it be to say goodbye to Luke NOW than say goodbye later?

CHRIS HARRISON: we have a special two night event coming up…

BRYAN: Pretty soon this is gonna be 24-7. “Coming up on our FIVE NIGHT EVENT…” 

Overnight Date: Robby

I finally found an accurate gif for my feelings about the Robbster:
I didn't add the Spongebob guy... 
Robby and JoJO make out in Thailand. they get foot massages, they make out.... To quote Shakespeare's Cleopatra: HAVE YOU DONE YET

(PS, did you guys see how Ben was going to run for office in Colorado? Apparently Disney pulled the plug on the whole thing. Said they didn't want him in politics. But that's just some hearsay, soooo...) 

Robby pulls a note out that his Dad snuck into his back pocket.... Does anyone else see issues with this? Why was his dad sneaking around his rear end? THAT IS A LEGITIMATE QUESTION RIGHT NOW. 

I'm also weirded out by him calling her "Joelle" in these interviews. 

There is something SO wrong about their relationship. Also there's something SO wrong about their discussion of having relations in the fantasy suite?! That was TMI. 

Overnight Date: Jordan  

JoJo tells us that she and Jordan are doing something active and sweaty today.... You know how I feel about sweat on The Bachelor: it is NOT real. Look at her dainty little ponytail. It's all lies.  

JORDAN: I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
JOJO: That's what Ben said. 

Seriously she could've just said "I've heard that before." There was ZERO need to mention Ben. 

JoJo has six thousand and ten reservations about Jordan. She tries to tell him said reservations. And he spouts off a lot of nonsense. AND I've just realized that he is wearing a t-shirt and a blazer. 
The door is THAT way... 
I can't help but grimace every time they kiss. 

JoJo turns into the biggest scum in Bachelorette history by telling Jordan "This is our first breakfast together" JUST LIKE SHE TOLD ROBBY. 

Overnight Date: Chase

Guys, I really don't hate Chase on this date right now. Like, if a guy wants to hold up a dead fish and make it talk to me in a character voice, I'll swoon on the spot. I'm not kidding. Is it the jet lag? Where has this Chase been this entire season? Oh wait, I forgot about that huge tattoo up his entire side. Kind of a deal breaker, but I love that goofy fish voice and gestures that he makes up for monkeys not to mimic... 

Oh boy. Robby just showed up. Is she gonna pull a Ben Higgins on Caila and send him home? Oh no. Apparently not. But he mentioned "country clubs and coloring books" and I don't know what to say about it. Cause I love those things, but they're not a foundation of a life. 

Back on the date, in his emotional speech to JoJo, Chase's eyebrows DID seem to move a little bit. I feel like she's going to send him home. She gives him the fantasy suite date card and he says that he's in love with her and he's willing to carry that for her AND WE ALL KNOW SHE'S GOING TO SEND HIM HOME. He tells her he doesn't want to be in a world without her and that he loves her and just....

JoJo trying to send him home and he isn't taking it well. Heck, I'M not taking it well. Something about emotional Chase is giving me Ryan Gosling SHE IS LITERALLY CHASING HIM DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING ABOUT LIFE. 

GRACE: What is this horrible rose ceremony romper she's wearing right now? It's like, Myrtle Beach Bike Week...Wretched Town Awful Face.
BRYAN: Grace, that's really aggressive, How about a "Wednesday Catalina Wine Mixer?" 
GRACE: Ok, Robby. But Myrtle Beach Bike Week is a thing of my childhood and will 100% be in my memoir. Just ask Big Daddy. #Dougwood.

Chase came back. To say sorry. And make one last plea for America to accept him as The Bachelor. But boy doesn't hold a candle to Luke. Chase is gonna find love with that monkey that was following him. I'm not worried.  

She gave the roses to Robby and Jordan. I'm bored.

I'm gonna be honest: it will take me a while to get to the MTA. I just wanna be honest with you all and put my heart out there, much like Chase when I tell you that it might take some time to get my commentary posted for tomorrow's episode. But you guys know how much I love the MTA...

In the wake of my Bike Week rant, I will leave you with the closing jokes from the Living Room Peanut Gallery:

"Grace, I swear you took that too far... Look at this trailer park, back woods, hood rat, Irish-Spring-usin' aquamarine-bathroom-tile-ownin' one-passenger-speaker-workin' GROSS GREEN ROMPER...

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Hometown Dates

Listen, I’m just gonna run this like a church service and take these first few minutes to do some announcements:

1) You guys know I’m not big on political statements. I don’t like to feign expertise on anything and I don’t like unnecessary soapboxes, but in light of the recent events, I feel obligated to share that: YOU GUYS, I SAW INDEPENDENCE DAY 2: RESURGENCE, this weekend. I have several thoughts:

          a. Jeff Goldblum is aging like a fine wine.

          b. Once he shaved his beard, Bill Pullman was aging like a sufficiently OK wine. (Huge fan of his. For life)

          c. Surprising no one, Big Daddy’s first question: “OMG how was Sela Ward as the female president?” You know that man loves a fierce female protagonist.

          d. It’s a shame – a SHAME that Will Smith wasn’t in that movie.

          e. Vivica Fox had a nice appearance. She’s a doctor, twenty years later. A stripper turned doctor. God bless America.

2) Special shoutout to a one Andy Theiss, who answered my query: "hay is in the barn" means that "the work is done" (the hay has been reaped, etc) YOU CAN NEVER KNOW ENOUGH TRIVIAL INFORMATION...

3) I have but ONE comment about the RNC. Is anyone else aware of the fact that the wife of the vice presidential nominee has a business selling TOWEL CHARMS? I really don't want to dignify any political presence by speaking any more about it, but there are these little charms that you attach to your beach towels, because apparently mixing up beach towels is a THING, and she sells them.


Highlands Ranch, CO: Chase

Chase is really concerned that JoJo has never heard the word “divorce” before. Chase and I do not share this concern. He and JoJo laid a crappy TJ Maxx Homegoods blanket on a rock over a semi-mediocre view and he tried to teach her the word “dee-vorce.”

We also find out that Chase owns an actual house. (He is apparently still renovating the staircase.) Even though his face does NOT move, Chase is a HOMEOWNER, ladies and gentlemen, be still my heart.

CHASE: My time with JoJo has been… out of this world.


(Carolyn said nothing here. She just gave me a look. It said it all.)

CHASE: (to his dad) Why didn’t your relationship work with my mom?


Sheesh. The producers are barring no holds on the emotional trauma that they're stirring up this season.

The way that Chase and his dad say each other’s name frequently in conversation is weird to me. The only time I throw in the use of my parents’ names is when my Dad says things like “Oh I love Hillsong music. If you go to The Youtube and Google it, it will come right up.”

“Daaaaad, you can’t say things like that…” Otherwise it’s just kind of weird. Anyone else pick up on that?

No idea why Chase’s mom is wearing a sweat suit to a family dinner, but I’ll let it happen. She tries to assure JoJo that despite divorce, Chase is an example of survival of the fittest and he has evolved JUST fine. Then Chase and his sister sit down for the MOST dull and basic conversation about the word “love” that I’ve ever heard. Is this date over yet? Oh wait. He hasn’t spoken to his mom yet and we haven’t seen that tear on his face that we saw in the promos... Ok ok, hold on... I don’t hate his relationship with his mom. They’re obviously extremely close and it isn’t weird like it usually is when these people are super close to their parents....

Conclusion: this has been, by far and away, the most emotional day of Chase’s entire life.

Jordan’s hometown: Don’t even know where it is, don’t even care.

This high school trek is way too much for me and I can’t even stand it. He shoves her into a bookshelf and they make out. One of the PA’s was responsible for putting up pictures of high school Jordan on a wall collage.

Ten points for the Production Assistants...
I'm so over the high school date. It didn't work for Farmer Chris and Jade, didn't work for Caila and Ben, SO OVER IT.

I like Mama Rodgers. JoJo is trying desperately to get to the bottom of the Aaron Saga, mostly because we all know: she wants to be BFF with Olivia Munn. (Don’t we all?)


I really want Jordan’s mom to lead my Bible study or something. She seems so great.

CAROLYN: I love his mom… Oh gosh… I love him… I love him!


CAROLYN: Hold me back!

JORDAN: If I’m gonna get on one knee, I want to work for the rest of my life at our relationship.

GRACE: Carolyn, put on your ear muffs.

CAROLYN: But I love him! How could you not?

St. Augustine: Robby

You guys know how I feel about it. Robby is a woman. Did you see him clasp his hands under his chin when he saw JoJo? Or talk about how the horse was “so pretty?”

Shoutout to Kimberly and Justin for sharing these sentiments... 

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and let you guys know something: I haven’t loved JoJo’s Dallas Fabulous attire this season. It’s been way too much for me. I’M SORRY, I SAID IT. But I’m loving this romper that she’s wearing on the Robby date. Might be the only ok thing about this whole day, cause that salmon colored shirt is NOT doing it for me...

JoJo is concerned about the timeline of Robby’s breakup. I’m concerned about a lot of other things, but I don’t even really know where to begin, so sure JoJo, let's put our energy into pursuing information about his ex-girlfriend.

I’m confused about why RoJo is bringing 95 presents into the Hayes house, for their visit. I think it’s sketchy that his dad says to call him “Coach,” but other than that, I don’t hate his family.

Bored by this conversation with his brothers. They all love the open button down shirt. Really loving Robby’s mom right now. Especially how she is up on the gossip with Robby’s ex. She probably got caught up on it at the last ItWorks party that she hosted. Robby pulls JoJo aside and says, “My ex-girlfriends roommate says I'm not here for the right reasons.” 

Can't make this stuff up... 

That verbal gem was followed by: "we got in a blow up fight and she slapped me.” That might be the biggest lie Robby has ever told in his life. Definitely on this show.
Final thoughts: I bet Robby smells really good. I bet he wears Dolce and Gabbana and she just falls at his feet any time she smells his musk.

…oh, nobody else experiences that? 


Texas: Meth Luke

Half the state of Texas came out for this hometown date and I don't even know what to say about it.

Alright. I’m on the Meth Luke train. He’s officially my top choice. I wanted to like his Mom more. She said five words and I didn’t care what they were. She would show up to Robby's Mom's ItWorks party, drink wine, eat cheese, say nothing and buy nothing. But now that I type that, I think it makes me respect her more. So I'll now point out that so far, the fictional life I have mapped out for Luke's mom is a pretty respectable one. I like his Dad, though. Simple man, but a good man.

Thank Goodness JoJo mounting the horse with Luke was more graceful than the one in Argentina. 
This gif will never be old. 

I don’t really care much about Luke talking about day dreams right now, but I’m INTO this magic hour lighting, BIG TIME. Don’t care about the candles and heart shaped roses, but I am LOVING Dan + Shay playing in the background right now.

This airport hanger is GREAT. JoJo obviously can't breathe in this Dallas Fabulous blue aluminium foil dress. Then she tells us she’s going to send Luke home. WHAT. WHATTTTT.This is a genuinely candid picture that was snapped, during that moment: 

Devin was trying to fix the cable modem and I apparently held this posture long enough for him to snap a photo. And as if that weren't enough, THEN LUKE STARTED TO TELL HER THAT HE LOVES HER. It was at this point that I think I started grabbing Devin's shirt sleeve and more or less shoving him against the arm of the couch (does anyone else do that? All I can do during particularly dramatic or hilarious moments on television is grab the person next to me and start shoving them. I'm basically no worse than Chad.) 

Speaking of Chad: He has been working out at Muscle Beach. I eat lunch by Muscle Beach every day and you better BELIEVE that I've had my eyes peeled for him. I don't believe in self-taken photos, and I REALLY don't believe in taking them with people of notoriety, but you best BELIEVE I'd take one with the Chadster. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

This Bus Would Not Pass Go

To jump right in: the guys sitting around talking about how emotionally stressful last night's rose ceremony was = THIS.

Fact: JoJo's bronzer game is WEAK.

Other facts:
1) Chase in a fantastic beat beatboxer.

TINA: Who wrote this thing?
JOHNNY: Some sad assistant.

"I like those trees... droopy trees." Oh Alex. Your time here is so limited.

JOHNNY: Alex's attire makes him look like a theme park attendant.
JOJO: Alex looks really good!

Meanwhile, back on the farm party bus:

JOHNNY: What is that mystery meat that Robby is eating?
TINA: Chad. He's eating Chad.

JoJo mounting the horse was pretty much how every day of my life goes, so I won't judge...
My life is a whole lotta this.... 

ALEX: You look like a something out of a Ralph Lauren model...

This whole horse whispering thing is... unsettling. I'm kind of into it, but kind of uncomfortable. Ohhhh they're kissing on top of the horse. This is so much. This horse is going to be the next Bachelor, if we're not careful...

ALEX: This is so perfect.
JOJO: It's nice.
JOHNNY: Tomato, tomato.

*Cue Argentinian Serenade...
JOHNNY: I love this song. I wrote this song.
CAROLYN: I wrote this song.
They turned toward each other:
JOHNNY: Which one of us wrote this song?

Alex tells JoJo, "I think that you would find happiness with my family." I like this line. Just as Alex was saying this, Johnny started doing his impression of Jane Fellows, Culver City Dance Instructor. I put the remote three centimeters away from his face and threatened AGAIN to turn on the closed captions.

And then JoJo says goodbye to Alex. And I'll give her points for that. And as they walk out, we're getting the swelling strains of my all-time favorite Bachelor reject music. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, ALEX.

Points to production for making his one-on-one time more significant than Jared's, on Kaitlyn's season. Where they drove a small car and kissed a castle.

Then we get to Jordan's second one-on-one...

This guy really doesn't have a single genuine bone in his body. I hate everything about him.

On Jordan:

LUKE: If you have box seats to the Superbowl, you're automatically the front runner.
GRACE: Not in my book, Meth Luke!
TINA: Only if you're a dude. I have never once considered that one.

Everything that Jordan is saying right now is 100% untrue.

Poll: Do you guys like Jordan more, after his spiel about his family? Or less? The Living Room was divided. Tina and Johnny liked him a tiny bit more. Carolyn and I liked him way less. Thoughtz?

Let's face it: we're on a sinking ship here, people. There really isn't a good match for the Jo-ster, in this crowd. MAYBE Meth Luke. Maybe. Chase is too boring, Jordan just wants followers on social media, Robby is a lady, and we all know that she isn't gonna end up with Sweet Baby James. (I have no doubt that he'll find a nice girl. Truly.) But maybe that footage of JoJo breaking down and sobbing in next week's episode is because she is STRAIGHT OUTTA OPTIONS.

MEANWHILE, on Jordan's social media campaign:

GRACE: That slit is HIGH in that skirt.
CAROLYN: Geez, Jordan is into these shove-her-into-a-wall kisses.
TINA: They probably just stopped halfway up the stairs because she couldn't go any further up the stairs in that skirt.

Whatever this weird 3 on 1 group date was:

Shout out to a one Christian Garvey who gave me a sensible heads up: "The three on one date is straight out of Great Gatsby when they go to Tom's mistresses' apartment and get drunk."

All I can say is that after Robby strips down and runs around, he is very much intoxicated in his interviews. Like, please stop speaking, Robby, cause you're no longer composing full sentences.

JOJO: Do you think you've moved on, after four years?
ROBBY: Yeah, I've moved on.
LIVING ROOM: You have not.

CHASE: I'm definitely having the emotions of love with JoJo.

Rose went to... Robby.

The Living Room Peanut Gallery hates how much James T has turned into a snitch. I could definitely do without it. But I also think that withstanding his brightly colored Eagle American Flag tattoo, I could VERY easily be the woman that he brings home to Mama and says "THIS IS THE WOMAN YOU'VE WANTED FOR ME."

Meth Luke:

JOHNNY: He's so boring.
GRACE: His hair is so tall.

JoJo's accent gets noticeably thicker whenever she talks to Luke or James. I'm not sure what I think about that.

I CAN tell you that I DO know what I think about Luke commanding this date right now: I am INTO it. I'm pulling for Luke to be the next Bachelor.

Ok guys, straight up: I'm gonna be really open and honest right now, and tell you that I'm falling- JUST KIDDING, I'm not going to tell you that I'm falling in love. I'm going to tell you that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS PHRASE MEANS.... Seriously, what does "hay is in the barn" mean? I'm too tired to really google it and the answers aren't making themselves readily available when I do... Can anyone help me out, here? We've heard it several times this season. I know a LOT of trivial idioms, but I cannot say that I know this one. You know the phrase "raining cats and dogs?" That term originated in Elizabethan England - when it rained really hard, the cats and dogs would roll off the roof, where they were lazing in the sun. The term "sleep tight?" That's because before there were base boards in a bed, ropes had to be tightened under the "mattress," I'm telling you - I know a lot of them. Why is hay in the barn? Has it always been there? Is there a lot of it? Does everyone know it's there? PLZ HALP.

James T is a national treasure. I really want him to be the next Bachelor. I don't think he's going to be. But then Tina very wisely pointed out "Look at Bachelor Bob!"

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...