And Now I'm Skewered...

Well I was expecting to see Luke on the screen when we turned on the TV and instead, I saw Bernie. Not mad. But definitely had a moment of panic and outrage that Bernie would be taking away from our time with that Dallas Fabulous blue aluminum foil dress at the rose ceremony…

Blah blah, Luke tells JoJo he’s in love with her, she cries, she gives roses to Jordan, Robby and Chase. Luke will be a great bachelor. I’m not really that concerned. But a definite shout out to the production designer that was in charge of this airplane hangar – down to the suitcase on which the roses sat. JoJo is crying about sending Luke home, but we all know she’s crying because she can’t breathe in that dress. She hugged him. Then adjusted her hair.

BRYAN: Why would she pick Chase over him?

CAROLYN: Why would she pick the woman over him?

LUKE: You didn’t... want me anymore…

GRACE: MY HEART IS BREAKING.

Ok, here’s my theory: she knows she’s gonna pick Jordan and she wants to make her options easier. We all know she’s gonna pick Jordan. How much easier would it be to say goodbye to Luke NOW than say goodbye later?

CHRIS HARRISON: we have a special two night event coming up…

BRYAN: Pretty soon this is gonna be 24-7. “Coming up on our FIVE NIGHT EVENT…” 

Overnight Date: Robby

I finally found an accurate gif for my feelings about the Robbster:

I didn't add the Spongebob guy... 

Robby and JoJO make out in Thailand. they get foot massages, they make out.... To quote Shakespeare's Cleopatra: HAVE YOU DONE YET? 

WE ARE AT THE FANTASY SUITE DATES AND SHE IS STILL TALKING ABOUT BEN. 

(PS, did you guys see how Ben was going to run for office in Colorado? Apparently Disney pulled the plug on the whole thing. Said they didn't want him in politics. But that's just some hearsay, soooo...) 

Robby pulls a note out that his Dad snuck into his back pocket.... Does anyone else see issues with this? Why was his dad sneaking around his rear end? THAT IS A LEGITIMATE QUESTION RIGHT NOW. 

I'm also weirded out by him calling her "Joelle" in these interviews. 

There is something SO wrong about their relationship. Also there's something SO wrong about their discussion of having relations in the fantasy suite?! That was TMI. 

Overnight Date: Jordan  

JoJo tells us that she and Jordan are doing something active and sweaty today.... You know how I feel about sweat on The Bachelor: it is NOT real. Look at her dainty little ponytail. It's all lies.  

JORDAN: I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

JOJO: That's what Ben said. 

Seriously she could've just said "I've heard that before." There was ZERO need to mention Ben. 

JoJo has six thousand and ten reservations about Jordan. She tries to tell him said reservations. And he spouts off a lot of nonsense. AND I've just realized that he is wearing a t-shirt and a blazer. 

The door is THAT way... 

I can't help but grimace every time they kiss. 

JoJo turns into the biggest scum in Bachelorette history by telling Jordan "This is our first breakfast together" JUST LIKE SHE TOLD ROBBY. 

Overnight Date: Chase

Guys, I really don't hate Chase on this date right now. Like, if a guy wants to hold up a dead fish and make it talk to me in a character voice, I'll swoon on the spot. I'm not kidding. Is it the jet lag? Where has this Chase been this entire season? Oh wait, I forgot about that huge tattoo up his entire side. Kind of a deal breaker, but I love that goofy fish voice and gestures that he makes up for monkeys not to mimic... 

Oh boy. Robby just showed up. Is she gonna pull a Ben Higgins on Caila and send him home? Oh no. Apparently not. But he mentioned "country clubs and coloring books" and I don't know what to say about it. Cause I love those things, but they're not a foundation of a life. 

Back on the date, in his emotional speech to JoJo, Chase's eyebrows DID seem to move a little bit. I feel like she's going to send him home. She gives him the fantasy suite date card and he says that he's in love with her and he's willing to carry that for her AND WE ALL KNOW SHE'S GOING TO SEND HIM HOME. He tells her he doesn't want to be in a world without her and that he loves her and just....

JoJo trying to send him home and he isn't taking it well. Heck, I'M not taking it well. Something about emotional Chase is giving me Ryan Gosling SHE IS LITERALLY CHASING HIM DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING ABOUT LIFE. 

GRACE: What is this horrible rose ceremony romper she's wearing right now? It's like, Myrtle Beach Bike Week...Wretched Town Awful Face.

BRYAN: Grace, that's really aggressive, How about a "Wednesday Catalina Wine Mixer?" 

GRACE: Ok, Robby. But Myrtle Beach Bike Week is a thing of my childhood and will 100% be in my memoir. Just ask Big Daddy. #Dougwood.

Chase came back. To say sorry. And make one last plea for America to accept him as The Bachelor. But boy doesn't hold a candle to Luke. Chase is gonna find love with that monkey that was following him. I'm not worried.  

She gave the roses to Robby and Jordan. I'm bored.

I'm gonna be honest: it will take me a while to get to the MTA. I just wanna be honest with you all and put my heart out there, much like Chase when I tell you that it might take some time to get my commentary posted for tomorrow's episode. But you guys know how much I love the MTA...

In the wake of my Bike Week rant, I will leave you with the closing jokes from the Living Room Peanut Gallery:

"Grace, I swear you took that too far... Look at this trailer park, back woods, hood rat, Irish-Spring-usin' aquamarine-bathroom-tile-ownin' one-passenger-speaker-workin' GROSS GREEN ROMPER...

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...