Thursday, July 31, 2014

Then Why Did You MAKE LOVE With Me??

This Week: Finale
Next Week: Bachelor In Paradise (I'MSOEXCITED)
Living Room Peanut Gallery: Carolyn, Johnny, Bryan, the Occasional Matt
Suave Booth: Andi (already stepping right off of that fame pedestal and into the Booth... ) 

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Whatever, I'm writing this from 30,000 feet, en route to Chicago, to pursue Nick, aka MY ONE TRUE LOVE.

Alright, let's start with this: Remember when Kelly Jo met Bob Guiney's family? (In case you're NOT the die hard fan that I am, and you don't know what I'm talking about: Kelly Jo was more perfect for Bob than Frank was for Ali. Than My Best Friend Leslie was for Sean. They were perfect. But she just FAILED when she met his parents. It was so bizarre. I was in fifth grade, watching on the dinky little TV that was in our guest room (that had a DIAL that you turned, to change channels: TRUE STORY) and I remember thinking "Does she have a migraine right now? Why is this the worst thing EVER?") I had flashbacks to this, watching Nick's date. It wasn't even that it was so terrible, it's just that it wasn't EXCELLENT, and it totally should have been. 

Andi: (to her sister) I connect with Nick on so many levels. I mean, Nick SEES. ME.

Grace: YES. Yes that is the moneymaker. He SEES her.

Bryan: Oh, shut up already.

Grace: Matt, does Jasmine SEE you?

Matt: (blank stare)

Grace: Your girlfriend. Jasmine. Does she SEE you?

…this sent the guys into a spree of yuk yuk jokery…

Matt: You mean like, is she blind? She drove here the other day, don’t you remember? She couldn’t do that if she couldn’t see

Johnny: Don’t you remember how she painted his room with him? Her eyesight is fine. Why would you think she was blind?

No Yuk Yuk Zone.

As Andi and Nick sit awkwardly on the couch, Andi tells Ma and Hy that Nick was her one on one date in Venice. They nod along like they maybe have SOME semblance of that about which she is speaking. They clearly know NOTHING. (Update: apparently Venice is special to her family. We had ZERO indication of this from Ma and Hy.)

As I watch Mama’s “listening” face, I’m struck: Could it be that Andi HASN’T had work done? Did she inherit the duck lips from Mama? 

Maybe she's born with it... 

Ugh. I also have such an issue with Nick’s version of asking for Hy’s blessing: “It would… really mean a lot to me… if you approved of me asking her to marry me…”

Grace: Hey Bry, when you ask Big Daddy for his permission to marry me, you need to ASK him, don’t do this passive beat-around-the-bush thing…

Bryan: I plan on just getting really wasted and then asking…

Carolyn: Buyin’ drinks for everybody but the pilot, it’s a party… 

I am very into this vial of sand that he gave her. And to anyone who wants to whine that it's creepy: I dare you to name a gift into which you've put more thought... I think I'm mostly into it because the only vial I can think of someone giving their significant other is the vials of blood that Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton wore around their necks... Anyone else remember reading that in Us Weekly?  (Yes: at age 11 my commentary about hometown date fails was JUST as wry and I was poring over gossip mags just as much as I do now... Few things have changed...)

I have very little to say about Josh meeting the family… Except that they liked him a lot.

And then afterward, where he bestowed his gift upon her (remember when it was Juan Pablo's season and he was playing that Josh Rachet song for Claire, after SOMEHOW talking her into thinking he WASN'T a dog?) Blah blah Josh gives her a baseball card... He has the handwriting of an 11 year old girl… WHOA WHOA WHOA THE BASEBALL CARD HAS HER LAST NAME ON IT. 
Take the phone off the hook, and disappear for a while... 

I do NOT remember the last time we saw THIS kind of review footage of the final two, with THIS kind of music with THIS kind of voiceover…. Oh no. OH. NO. Wait now we're hearing the voiceover about how Andi woke up this morning and felt that something wasn't right. DIEEEEEEEE

(Meanwhile: We cut back to Hare in the studio right after Andi said those words, and I immediately hit the fast forward button. Everyone in the room basically jumped down my throat with things like, "We have to hear what he has to say!" I didn't take my finger off the fast forward button as I scoffed, "You amateurs. He's saying NOTHING useful, it's all a part of building the stupid suspense. We will hear NOTHING of value in that segment." (But yes, I graciously went back and proved this to them...) 

So Andi is letting Nick down easy. Or more easily than if he'd gotten down on one knee and everything (remember when Ashley stopped Ben Flajnik? Terrible.) My question: how did she talk the producers into this one? Or rather: how did they NOT talk her out of it? I mean, isn't that kind of the deal? Ya gotta pick one and ya gotta break one's heart? Granted: Andi's no pioneer: remember when Ali said goodbye to Cape Cod Chris? Ugh, what IS it with my men getting sent home early?
But if nothing else, the most poignant moment in Andi's speech was, “You and I over-analyze everything and a life with you would be me analyzing every single moment…” 

...well... that certainly isn't a very false statement... 

The one armed hug. He is giving her a one-armed hug. I CAN’T DEAL. The raaaaain. Whyyyyy. 

Johnny; “I feel like Nick is the guy that writes Yelp reviews… If he has a terrible date, he’ll blame it on the restaurant and write a terrible review on Yelp, to make himself feel heard…” 

In his voiceover, we hear that Czar Nicholas was most looking forward to having a family with Andi. Can’t begrudge him THAT one. What seems to be the hardest for him is that he seems to think that Andi not choosing him means that she felt NOTHING for him. Clearly this isn't the case, she just felt MORE for Josh. (I'm not saying that's an easy concept to grasp, but it seems to get overlooked quite frequently on this show...)

Ok but this proposal SPEECH of Josh’s. The Living Room Peanut Gallery had some thoughts on it:

Grace: Clearly Neil Lane had a collection of proposal monologues and Josh picked out the LONGEST one.

Johnny: I’m pretty sure they’re holding up cue cards behind Andi’s head.

Grace: There have to be cue cards. There’s no way he could memorize a Neil Lane Proposal piece in under six hours. Unless this is a piece that he wrote after the first cocktail party and has been memorizing ever since. Then it would MAYBE make sense…

Bryan: You’re just mad that dork boy didn’t win.

Grace: HE SEES HER, BRYAN. I wouldn’t wanna raise kids with Josh. Dad Dance Moves or no…

Aaaand now Andi is saying that she loved Josh the first moment she saw him… 

Ok… Josh and Andi are pretty cute. Except Josh is REAL sweaty and REAL red in the face. Sean and Catherine were sweaty, but Josh is SO red right now...

Stop saying “forever,” please, Andi. Ok but seriously you've said it NINETEEN times and each time it sounds more and more like you're trying to reassure yourself and Josh, as though he's somehow forgotten...

Thank God Josh took off that too-tight jacket.

Onto ATFR... So Crazy-Eyed-Chris can’t get past Craft Services, yet Nick just walks RIGHT through the door on the lot, into the studio… NOT SO CRAZY, AFTER ALL… #AmIRight #EmmyForHare

Can we talk about the VAST array of blue shirts in Hare’s dressing room, right now? Cause I'm LOVING it... Nick waits for Hare to go ask Andi if she's willing to see him. “She’s not ready to see me? Oh, well the good news is that I have a letter on standby, ready to go… Yeah, it’s right here…”
And then later on:
Hare: Do you think she made a mistake?
Nick: I don’t think it’s fair for me to answer that question…

CLASS. ACT, ladies and gentlemen. THAT is what he is.

Aaaaand then we have the most memorable line of the night:  “If you weren’t in love with me, why did you make love with me?”

Ok here’s the thing: I don’t think this was exactly below the belt. A classy move it was NOT, but it’s a legitimate question. Neanderthal LRPG member Bryan couldn’t stop whining about how much Nick sounded like a sissy little girl, and while I do think Czar Nicholas is MAGNIFICIENTLY more in touch with his emotions than the Neanderthal next to me… generally speaking, YES: the “I-thought-you-slept-with-me-because-you-loved-me” line tends to come out of the mouths of more females than it does males. Again: perfectly legitimate point, Nicholas. It sounds like he kind of made it clear to Andi that she shouldn’t sleep with him unless she was gonna choose him, and I’d say that Andi is smart enough NOT to have taken that ANY other way…

But even though Nick had vigorously watched all of Dez’s season, according to the guys, he apparently missed the memo that THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE. Hello?!? Why would you NOT think that would happen, Czar Nicholas?! Shhhhhh, come here. Let me heal your broken heart…

So so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so  excited for Bachelor in Paradise!!! Whether commentary will be provided remains to be seen, but one thing's for sure: I will undoubtedly rope the ENTIRE house into watching the show and the LRPG will be nothing short of ferocious... 

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Jake Tells All

If you have independently sought this page in pursuit of funnies, we salute you. We here at Please Stop Crying, LLC couldn't do it without you. And by "we" I mean "the team."
You didn't know Grace had a team of people working for her, did you? I don't really know how to put this, but... She's kind of a big deal. People know her.
And by "team," I obviously mean: Jacob Lemon Schlepitz III. Yes I, former Bachelorette Intern Jacob am working for Grace C. Douglas, as of 5 PM, Pacific Coast Time on Monday, July 28th, 2014.
Seems that Chris Harrison didn't want to give me proper credit for my concoction of an UPCOMING BACHELOR FRANCHISE SHOW THAT WILL NOT BE NAMED DUE TO LEGAL PURPOSES. That's right. Who do you think put the Footloose classic "Almost Paradise" on Hare's "On the Go" playlist? When Hare was listening to the Jawbone, drenched in Venetian Bourbon, on a gondola in an unnamed canal in Venice and that little ditty came on... WHO do you think was planting seeds in his mind the whole time, with animated reminders of what it could do for ratings if Marquel and Claire Crawley were on the same show together? Possibly in a Shabby Chic hut, on a remote Mexican island? Don't be fooled by his boyish charm and cunning good looks, America. Bachelor in Paradise is MY show. MY idea.

Whoops. I think my lawyer told me not to do that.

#StillLearning #JustLikeKasey #AndArlington #PrayForArlington #MostlyPrayForTheirEconomy

But there you have it. I am Ground Zero of Grace's team, and we're doing REALLY exciting things, over here. And one of my first orders of business was to put you guys off for a little while cause Grace is VERY busy and important (think: Bridget Jones at the beginning of the movie, circa beginning of affair with Daniel Cleaver, minus the short skirt and see-through blouse. Ok minus Daniel Cleaver, too, maybe just the part where she says "Shut up please, I'm very busy and important...") We here at Please Stop Crying, LLC strive to ONLY bring you the funniest material. So until the hilarity is ready to be served, we settle for nothing less. Commentary to follow, soon.

...What's that, boss? Cookies? Yeah, I can take care of that...

If you're a bird...


Monday, July 21, 2014

That Doesn't Look Like A Thumb to Me, Greg...

Men Tell All
Guys Left: Nick and Josh
LRPG: Carolyn and Cat
Suave Booth: Andi (holy guacamole they're moving her out of the spotlight REAL quick! You know you've officially begun your descent from stardom when you get thrown in the Suave Booth...) 

First things first: Harrison was on FIRE last night. He took that studio like a blazing California wildfire and it was TOTALLY OK. I have absolutely no doubt that he and Elan Gale are sipping their bourbon and giggling madly right now about the fools at the TV Academy who saw fit NOT to nominate him (again) for Outstanding Host of a Reality Program... 

This commentary is dedicated to YOU, Hare. 

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Let's start with one of Hare's opening lines: “You’re NOT going to believe that this is gonna be on TV… BUT IT WILL BE." This is basically the song of his soul. Again: totally ok. 

The joke about Ashley and JP moving to Forbes’ #1 Most Miserable City in America… to be closer to Juan Pablo (the other JP)... Not so ok. (Update: Miami has been knocked off the top by several cities in Michigan, and at least JP's Bubbe can get some EXCELLENT Matzo Ball Soup when she comes to see the grandbaby..) 

Let's clap it up for Greg, the stenographer. It was SO bizarre that they did this all on national television. My theory is that they needed to fill some air time and so they had Ashley and JP on there, but knew there would be NOTHING juicy, so they brought out ole Greg...

It's a boy. 

Gregory showed us all the different parts of the baby (all five of them, cause it is, after all, a BABY) and I will now formally invoke a slowclap for Harrison's “That doesn't look like a thumb to me, Greg.”

It's a boy.

MOVING ONTO THE MEN: I am LOVING the scarves right now. 

United bromance humor. THIS is how I feel about it: 

It's a boy. 

Just a quick reminder to everyone: Marcus is TWENTY. FIVE. He is one year older than I. ONE

Fact: when you've been watching this show since you were ten, you tend to think of the contestants as SIGNIFICANTLY older than you. This is no longer the case. And this is how I feel about it:

MARQUEL HAS A COOKIE PIN ON HIS BLAZER AND I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HIM THAT THE CLUB CAN'T EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW. (Love for Marquel only exceeded by love for Czar Nicholas. Truth.) Anyone else see Hare's blog where he talked about how much the crew loved Marquel? He is literally my dream man. (Yes, this does mean that all it takes to fill that role is toss some cookies my way...) 

Oh blah blah blah, they "confront" each other about "racism." The sky is blue, the grass is green, the men faux-confront each other... Oh wow. Andrew calling Marquel “Ron,” just now. YIKES. 

Also: Marquel is NOT afraid to talk about prayer and faith and I’m NOT upset about it.

(Sidenote: Tasos' socks are so high. And his pants are SO short. (Poor Tasos. The guy who didn't even get a rose ceremony because they were talking about Eric...) Marcus, on the other hand, is wearing NO socks tonight.)

I fast forwarded through the recap of the season that they showed when each guy took the hot seat, but then I MADE PLENTY OF TIME to watch the recap of Marquel. CAUSE I WANTED TO SEE THOSE COOKIES. 

Ok, back to this racism/manly confrontation thing. Andrew did make a remarkably good point in saying that JJ's credibility was in question because he chose to come forward with the information so very late in the game. And by whom was Chris backed up, on this one?? 


The only, ONLY thing that makes me question JJ is the fact that… Coach. Questioned. JJ. His “your apology would have been great if it didn’t have a ‘I don’t care what you think.’” So articulate, right now. Nails being hit on the head, left and right, Coachie. 

Back to Marquel:

Carolyn: You woulda given him the First Impression Rose.
Grace: I woulda given him the EVERY rose…
Marquel: I probably had my head in the cookies or something…

Hare: So do you wish you’d done anything differently?
Marquel: Sure, sure…

Great segue, bro. 

To Pto-golfer Nick S, who is trying to accuse Andi of having her guard up at the second cocktail party... , I'd like to say: "What do you expect, Nick S? For her to say, "I'm sorry, Nick, I did have my guard up, come here, I'll give you another shot!"

And finally, let's clap it up for this Ketra chick. Or Kendra. Petra? Peeta? Hare was relatively unfazed when she stepped forward, "Apparently we have an open forum talk show now..." #EmmyForHare Aaaand then Opera Bradley trying to emulate Chris's "wrap it up" gesture... FAIL
1) Thank you, Petra, for setting a gold standard: whether Andi picks Nick or not, I WILL be interrupting the show to propose to him, during the "live" After the Final Rose...
2) Are they going to show Farmer Chris' and Petra's failed date? Or is she going to be a contestant on The Bachelor, in just a few weeks? (Speaking of which: I called him "Crazy-Eyed Chris" for his flighty, darty eyes, but how about that time that Harrison jokingly (BUTNOTSOJOKINGLY) threatened to call security on him, last night? Why didn't he call security on Shawntel, when she showed up on Ben Flajnik's season? Or that Bachelor Pad super fan showing up on Sean's season?? OR KACIE B SHOWING UP ON SEAN'S SEASON?!?!

Last but certainly not least: I am SO incredibly stoked for Bachelor in Paradise, it is literally unreal

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Did She Wet the Fantasy Suite Bed Too?

So there are three guys left. We've narrowed it down to three from 25, and apparently Andi has JUST started a journal. Great. 

Instead of a Trapise, we got a “Journey So Far,” of sorts, with footage of… every moment of every guy this whole season… There’s Chris, who’s a farmer from a small town, and even though he’s a farmer from a small town, his hometown date was a lot more fun than Andi expected. Then there’s Neanderthal Josh (seriously he has more testosterone than ANYONE has ever had, anywhere) and Andi’s voiceover about him more or less said this: “Josh has all these great qualities and I think he’ll be a great Dad, but… He was REAL pissed about taking a lie detector test in Brussels…” They’re trying to make his reaction to the lie detector test look like it’s a roadblock for their relationship. When, in reality, (yuk yuk yuk) he’s so thick-headed that he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that this was really just a production move, because they thought it would be interesting TV. He’s convinced that Andi was behind the whole thing because she genuinely didn’t trust the guys. (PS: apparently the answers that Andi dramatically ripped up (UNLIKE Coach, if you’ll recall) are going to be revealed on the Men Tell All this week. #STOKED.)

And then there’s Nick. 

Y’all. I am SUCH a huge fan of Nick. I don’t think I’ve been this big of a fan of a contestant since Cape Cod Chris. And I don’t think I’ve been as big of a fan of a couple since Ali and Frank. (Ok, maybe since Blakelee and Tony. Ah, rest in peace, #TonyAndBlakeleeEngagement)

During the FantasySuiteDateJourneySoFar, we got a pretty memorable quote from Dwarfman: “I came here to be different.” 
Suuuuuuuuure ya did, Dwarfman/ 

Oh wait, there’s our good ole Traipse. As we take in the footage of the property where the circus is staying this week, I'd like to take a moment to mention this week's dedication: The Currin Family. Eve Currin does not really watch the show, but she emailed me on Tuesday morning, saying that something about the Dominican Republic location caught her eye... 

It was that their family used to stay at the VERY HOUSE where we saw Dwarfman's Traipse. 

Many Currin Family vacations were had there. 

Currin Family Christmas cards were shot there. 

Eve's husband Don was my Dad's college roommate, so the best part of all of this is that I can now rope Big Daddy into watching the finale, when I tell him that the Currins made the Dominican Republic trendy. 

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)



I'd like to take a moment to remark about Andi's description of Nick as "passionate." I could be wrong, but doesn't "passionate" call to mind someone who is impulsive? Cause I don't know that I'd classify Nick as "passionate" so much as just "intense." (Hey, there's nothing wrong with either one, I'm JUST saying...) And now let us talk about some memorable quotes from Czar Nicholas:

*“It’s one thing to say ‘I love you,’ it’s another thing to know why you feel that way.”
*“It just MEANS SOMETHING to... put yourself at that mercy and say those words to her.”
*“My gut says there’s no way... not us.” 


And finally, I'm glad that Dwarfman and the Czar paused long enough to kiss whilst they were snorkeling, but I certainly hope they took out their mouth pieces…


Admission: I'm REALLY ok with the Dad moves that were happening in this episode. Josh's dancing in the square? DAD MOVE. Nick reading an autobigraphical fairy tale with Magical Love Roses? DAD MOVE. Chris's... well, nevermind. At dinner, when Andi asked Josh what kind of Dad he would be, his response was "a great one." A vague yuk yuk joke? 


Bachelorette Gopher Jacob’s Spanish is pretty sub-par, but he DID manage to convince a little t-ball player to “go ask those white people if they’d play ball.” Admittedly, I'm pretty ok with the fact that Josh was kinda cute with the kiddos. T-ball, yuk yuk yuk... 

Josh thinks that he and Andi can handle anything together. They’ve already been through the worst. Literally he said “we’ve been through the wringer,” so basically: they handled the lie detector snafu in Belgium, they can handle anything. He reminded Andi: “Don’t categorize me into a type” I WON'T EVEN GET INTO THE STRUGGLES OF THOSE VERBS AND THEIR DIRECT OBJECTS, DAD LIFE.

Honestly. I have very little to say about Farmer Chris. Except that my friend Rita is MORE than ready to sign up for the season if he's the next Bachelor. Direct quote: "I'll move to Iowa. I like corn." 

I really, really respect the way that Andi handled the whole thing. Not only did she let him make a dignified exit (who'd have thought we'd ever watch someone pack their bags, pre-fantasy suite??) but for the first time in a long time, I began to buy into the "it's hard to be the Bachelor/Bachelorette" thing. Let's face it: when the Ashley Herberts and Dez Hartsocks of the world say that, it's laughable. I think this goes back to Andi's ability to be transparent and articulate: she says what she means and she means what she says, and we see that. 

Finally, His blog gets about a fourth of the viewership that mine does (OBVIOUSLY?) but if anyone happens to read Chris Harrison's weekly post, he kind of made a case for Nick this week. WHAT THIS MEANS, I DO NOT KNOW. Is he making a case for him because he's about to be vilified on the Men Tell All, next week? Is he making a case for him because Andi chooses him and he wants America to like him more? OR is he making a case for him because Andi DOESN'T choose him and he wants America to have sympathy?!?! I JUST. DON'T. KNOW. 

What I do know is where our recording cut off on Monday night, and how the Czar feels about Andi's adolescent bed-wetting... 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.
- Dwarfman Dez

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

He Only Wore Underwear on School Days...

Let's start with a conversation last night, before I'd even started the episode:

My sentiments about this include, but are not limited to:

This commentary is dedicated to Connor Maleficent Moore. Connor hails from Dubuque, Iowa. (Supposedly) He is exceedingly tall. Exhibit A:

However, even after knowing Connor, and seeing last night's episode, I'm still not fully convinced that the state of Iowa actually exists. (Same goes for the state of Nebraska) 
However, if Andi winds up a homemaker in Arlington, Iowa, perhaps I shall be proved wrong.

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Guys left: 4
Next Week: Fantasy Suite
Suave Booth: Catherine Lowe... Again. Guess her hair hasn't grown sexy ENOUGH... 
LRPG: Carolyn, Johnny, Bryan

Milwaukee: Nick

Y'all, Im'ma say it: I'm all about Nick. I gave into the peer pressure for a little while and tried NOT to be, but it just isn't happening... Facts:
1) I still say that his ultimate match-made-in-heaven would be Sharmander.  Bachelor Pad III, anyone?
2) Producer Elan Gale hugged him for about forty-five minutes during the Eric Hill Wake. If Elan signs off on him, HE'S LEGIT. 
3) Let's clap it up for a guy who truly isn't here to make friends. When we hear that phrase, it's usually a way of excusing behavior to other contestants that is legitimately mean. Nick wasn't mean. He wasn't liked, but he doesn't really seem to have nasty things to say about other contestants... (ahem, Courtney Robertson...)

So Nick and Andi traipsed around the Milwaukee Public Market. Was anyone else reminded of this?

See any armadillo around? 

Aaaaand we all learned how to do the polka tonight, while they were there. It includes hopping around, and... hopping around. Then we met Nicholas' family. WHY IS HIS FAMILY JUST THE HUGE-EST?! He seriously has fifteen brothers and sisters. Ok, maybe not quite that many, but his family was definitely more overwhelming that Crazy Claire's family of five sisters, last season. Is Trista Rehn-Sutter one of his sisters? This brunette that is grilling Andi right now could be Trista's sister. (But she is, in fact, Nick's sister, because he has fifty of them)

Trista: Does she make you laugh?
Nick: She just makes me smile…


But the sister about whom I DO want to speak is this delightful creature that is Bella. First of all, Andi’s ability to talk to children… ISN’T. But Bella is just so fantastic that it doesn't even matter. She asked Andi a billion questions, then proceeded to forget both the questions and the answers, when she was talking to Nick. May we also address the fact that Nick and Bella have probably spent about sixty total seconds together in their lifetime? Nick is 33. Bella is 10. There are 293847 siblings between them. I'm JUST saying. 

Bella for the next Bachelorette. YESTERDAY.

Nowhere, Iowa: Farmer Chris

I had seriously been waiting all week for this date. Ever since we saw previews, I was STOKED to see the shenanigans that would be the citizens of this mystical land known as Iowa. I was not disappointed.

I basically wanted this to be the date:
Climb up in my lap/drive if you want to... 

Andi was LOVING Chris's big green tractor, y'all. We did come to find out Chris's mention of "there's an opportunity to be a homemaker" was sarcasm, and I'll admit that I felt like a victim of the editor's wily whims in that moment... 

Chris has a HOUSE. That probably cost $7.00. Maybe $8.50. Andi is surprised that unlike all the guys she’s dated, Chris doesn’t have an apartment or a condo: he has a house. It is HUGE. I am VERY hopeful that the interior smells of Pier One, and while we have no way to tell, maybe we'll get some nice B Roll of Chris loafing around his house during the opening Traipse of his stint as El Bachelore.
(Ok wait, I did some actual research on real estate in Arlington (DON'T JUDGE ME; I'VE BEEN INEXPLICABLY INTO REAL ESTATE LATELY) And THIS quaint little 3 bedroom /2 bathroom 18-hundred-square-foot-gem is on the market for 120k.
Hey, I'm into those corner cabinets in that kitchen desk.... 
 One more time, for our viewers at home: THIS is the couch in that living room. Whether it's included in the purchase of the home, I know not. Oh, and there's zero down payment. #Arlington

When Chris and Andi were mid... cornfield, (I guess?) he started going on about "if you don’t like where you are, then it means that you won’t like what you're doing and who you’re with... ” I was expecting this to be followed with something akin to, “You know, if that's the case, we could always move to Des Moines or Keokuck..."

And now we're at Mama's house. The fake pears above the sink. On the visible command hook. I am LOVING  Iowa. They can be cold as their falling thermometers in December if you ask about their weather in July... (if you didn't get that reference, you may show yourself out) Andi knows that she needs to figure out if she gets along with the family, because “here in the country, you’d be seeing a lot more of them…” And oh Mama BELIEVES in the process of finding love on this show. Clearly she and her girls have seen a LOT of it, out in the country. And Andi would be seeing a LOT of Mama and her girls, if she moves out to the country...

I'd like to take a brief moment to slip into my tour guide outfit and provide you with a few quick facts about the All-American town that is Arlington, Iowa. If anyone has ANY questions about Arlingt- HIS FAMILY IS PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK RIGHT NOW. A roomful of adults is legitimately playing- oh wait. It’s sardines. Either way, roomful of adults. Playing sardines. Not mad. Back to what I was saying: if anyone has any questions about Arlington, Iowa, please check out their website: HERE. I was so bored with Josh's date that I did some pretty dense research about good ole Arlington. The town motto is "where hills and prairie meet," and they're "about an hour's drive northeast of Waterloo." (Seriously. Their website says "an hour's drive.") Recently this season, Chris revealed that the population of his hometown was somewhere around 750, if I recall correctly. WELL ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA, the population came in at 459 in the 2010 census, which was lower than the number recorded ten years prior: 490. I'm assuming Starmont High School to be Christopher's alma mater, (if he played football, then he was a Starmont Star) and CLEARLY he took his FFA classes VERY seriously. Yes, that's FFA for "Future Farmer's Of America," and it's a legitimate class. Along with "Computer." A Mr. and Mrs. Nelson teach the Music class. How quaint. (Seriously, it's all on the website) WHOAAAAA additionally, Chris has had no less than THIRTEEN run-ins with Johnny Law. A DUI and underage possession of alcohol, among other things...

Atlanta: Josh

Blah blah Andi and Josh are just like Travis Stork and Sarah Stone. (I'm surprised they didn't play that up more, on this date) At first our wily Bachelorette editors were playing music in the background that had percussion. This is a first. Bachelor/Bachelorette underscoring is always legato; WHAT IS GOING ON? And then they go into some faint piano strains that are quite reminiscent of The Fray, what is happening? That was pretty much all I wrote down for their date. Except this snip it of conversation:

Grace: Why would she play football with his family right now? What if she runs into Aaron and breaks his neck?
Johnny: They’d kill her. His whole family would literally murder her on national TV.

Dallas: Marcus 

So Marcus's little niece Finley made Andi and Marcus rainbow loom bracelets. Let’s skip Finley being in The Bachelorette: set her up with Mama Rene’s son, Ben, STAT. Don't you remember how he wanted to show Rene his bracelet collection?? #Don'tCallMeYenta #ArlingtonYenta #Yarlington

Ok so if he's from Dallas, why doesn’t Marcus have an accent? Ohhh wait. Listen to that Mama of his. THAT’S why. So the missing Romanov princess Anastasia is his mother. No WONDER his dad left. #Baggage #RumorInStPetersberg #Yarlington

Grace: I mean… no matter whom she sends home… now that it's on top of the news about Eric, this rose ceremony is going to be gruesome. Like, Red-Wedding-Gruesome.

Johnny: And you didn’t even see the Red Wedding.

Grace: Well... I saw part of it.

Johnny: None of these people would have been invited to the Red Wedding.

Bryan: Except Andi. Maybe.

Poor Marcus. BUT APPARENTLY HE'S GOING TO BE ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE, SO ALL IS WELL. I would like to pay homage to his parting words: "I don’t know what to do at this point because you were everything for me. I saw a future with us and I don’t know what to do with that..." Yiiiiiikes. I wouldn’t say that things “blew up in Marcus’ face,” but it's sad that he immediately remarked on how he regretted telling her that he loved her...

Ok this whole Eric Hill thing. MAN.

When I'm not reading about hopelessly random real estate listings, I'm usually reading interviews with Chris Harrison, and I've now read several about his perspective on how the whole thing was handled, and maybe I'm a brain-washed victim of the franchise, but... I kind of 100% stand behind him, that it needed to be shown. It seemed voyeuristic at first, but good ole Hare remarked that it would have been hypocritical NOT to present it, because they show EVERYTHING else in this franchise... That being said, I think this is the first time I've witnessed the presentation of someone passing away on... reality TV. What a bizarre notion that the four of us sitting in the living room watching last night inherently knew that it would have been impolite to make crass remarks about his passing, because even though we were watching TV, it wasn't CNN and it wasn't the Red Wedding, it was... real.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

These Man Chats Are Taking A Toll..

This commentary is dedicated to a one Windy Jones. You know when you meet someone in passing and you immediately know you need to be friends with them? That's what happened with Windy. Among other things, she shares my predilection for Ian Somerhalder, Bodybuilder Nick VERY FAIRLY winning Bachelor Pad, and better yet: she has been pivotal in my quest to NOT look like the crypt keeper.


(Disclaimer: Y'all know I have SO much pride and ZERO shame. I have NO shame about taking creepy pictures to stage my own Before/After Experiment.)

Now, to everyone that's my mother's age: I know I'm borderline psychotic. I get it. The lines are faint. BUT THEY EXIST. Zoom in more if you want to, and tell me they don't exist. WINDY MADE THEM GO AWAAAAAY. DO IT.

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)


Guys left: 6
Next Week: Hometowns
Suave Booth: Jen Schefft

I wrote, “Andi doing the leaning tower of Pisa pose with this giant ball… I’m not about it… “ 

Allow me to provide a visual aid for clarification:
Living Room Peanut Gallery Member: Johnny Langan                               Dwarfman                                                              

So we didn't get a Traipse in the Opening Ceremonies this week, but we also didn’t get the wistful balcony footage: we got something a bit unprecedented… I don’t know that we’ve ever had a Bachelor or Bachelorette looking out the window of their…mundane, messy hotel room window. I mean, I know you guys all saw that the bed was very much UNMADE (I'm looking at YOU, Bachelorette Gopher Jacob. There's a reason you're still the Gopher...) 

Let's take a brief look at the first quote that we hear from the "ladies," as they like to call themselves:

“Dude we’re in Brussels. This is SUH-WEET.”

Also a first this week: Harrison leading the guys through Circle Time. I'm VERY surprised that they didn't have a magic doughnut to pass around, that you had to be holding in order to be speaking. And may I JUST ask: WHAT IS IT WITH THE SCARVES THIS WEEK?? I will excuse Farmer Chris. The man has never been anywhere that you can't go on his Big Green Tractor, and he's just trying to do as the Romans do, BUT THE REST OF YOU: what gives??

Nick has something (bitter) to say about Circle Time: “These man chats have taken their toll...” May God grant him the serenity to accept the things he cannot change...

I'd just like the record to show: See Hare read the date card just got added to my Bucket List. Hare did NOT read this date card; he left it with Nick and promptly left the suite, more than likely to go explore the possibilities of Brussels Vodka with a one Elan Gale...

Machiavellian Marcus got the datecard (Am I wrong? I don't mean that he's Machiavellian in his ways - he's far too much of a simpleton for that, I just mean he looks Machiavellian. No, I"m not quite sure what it means for one to "look Machiavellian," but I'm pretty sure it's something along these lines...

Pretty much the only thing I have to say about their traipse-y date: SELLLLFIEEEEE

Wait, let's talk about the part of their Mussels-In-Brussels conversation where Andi was reflecting on when he told her that he thought about leaving and she tried to act out “SHOCKED” for him, to describe how she felt… but when he didn’t take the cue, she had to fill in the words…  (Seriously, she said "When I heard that you were thinking about leaving, I was..." *Poorly acts out a dropped jaw* He doesn't take the hint... "SHOCKED. I was shocked.") SUFFICE IT TO SAY: When these two are on their honeymoon cruise, they shouldn't sign up for The Newlywed Game: Charades. 

Ok he is 100% LYING about why he almost left, right now. He almost bolted "because he was afraid of his feelings?!" I SMELL A RAT.
RAT?!?! WHERE?!?! 

So sometimes the Living Room Peanut Gallery is a little too vocal in my house, so I usually turn on the closed captions when I watch... I'd just like America to know that The Closed Captioning Society of Captions THat Are Closed led us to believe that during dinner, Marcus told Andi, "My Dad... He doesn’t play well in my family...” I saw this on the bottom of the screen and scrambled to hit the rewind button. Surely that couldn't be the phrasing. And alas, I very distinctly heard Marcus say, “My Dad... He doesn’t play a role in my family.” A bit less exciting than telling The Bachelorette that your Dad doesn't play well with others, but a rather pivotal point in communication, no less.

And apparently Marcus has NEVER been to any kind of therapy ever (excluding the Circle Time with Hare) because this was his conversation with Andi:
Marcus: My Dad left. I don’t really know why. He blamed me and my Mom.
Andi: Well that’s not your fault.
Marcus: Yeah… I guess so… It’s hard to forgive him.

This is all well and good, and I'm no psychologist, but I have stood in my fair share of hand-holding circles to recite the Lord's Prayer, and his responses in this instance are indicative of VERY little counseling. I'm not saying he's a basket case, 

Believe me: I know "basket case"
But if your Dad a) leaves and b) blames YOU... a little therapy never hurt NOBODY. 

Andi asked what kinds of questions Marcus' Mama will be asking, which I thought was a VERY nice move, although whether or not Marcus really has any vague idea of what kinds of questions this woman might be asking when all he does is "get coffee with her, most Sundays" remains to be seen... But seriously... Who "gets coffee with their Mom" most Sundays? (Which really means about one Sunday a month...) Andi asked if there was a turning point or "Aha Moment" in Marcus' broken relationship with his mother, and he spoke about a phone call they had where she... cried. For hours, apparently. Dwarfman told him that she "loved that he remembered that phone call," but did anybody else notice how he said it happened while he was in school? Forgive me for being callous, but how could you FORGET a phone call with your mom that lasted all night and well onto 7 AM the next day, when you had to be ready to go to class?? At some point, he rambled that “I didn’t take that into effect” about his Mom's feelings, or I-don't-even-know-what, because I was too distracted by his inability to use the phrase 'I didn't take that into ACCOUNT.' 

Before the makeout-against-a-stone-wall, he left us with this verbal gem: “The feelings I feel for you… I’ve honestly never felt this way about another person.” 
The verb "feel" was used three times in a
15 word sentence. That's domination of
exactly one fifth of the sentence. 

He went back to the hotel, and as soon as he arrived, Nick decided to slink off to Andi's hotel room... 

Wait, so how did he find her room numb- OH WAIT. OH SNAP. He is GOING there right now.

I want to know how many Belgian Benjamin's Bachelorette Gopher Jacob had to slip this poor woman at the front desk, when he told her "A snaggle-toothed dude is gonna come and ask for a room number. There will be cameras behind him. I don't know about Belgian federal law, but this is TOTALLY illegal where I come from. FORGET ALL OF THAT. Forget serious fines and major imprisonment, just give him this card and say 'Room 207.' What's that? Oh, no, this isn't a hotel key, it's a Sephora giftcard that I jacked from my little sister's wallet. It doesn't matter. Just give it to him." 

I will say: watching Nick pull this little stunt was a lot more interesting than Vienna stalking some old castle to find Jake for a midnight "cuddle," or the ADONIS that is Sean Lowe belting Emily's name through the midnight streets of Prague... Blah blah. Nick and Dwarfman went for a walk (I WILL give Nicholas props for taking her on a walk. Very un-slutty of him, and I DO love a good perambulation...) and he's in love with her, yada yada... he looks in the mirror every morning and tells himself he's gonna marry her... Yaaaaaawn.

In (yet another) unheard of turn of events, our favorite Neanderthal, Josh, gets the second one-on-one date, instead of following the pattern "one-on-one/group/one-on-one.") Which consisted of a goose parade and another random concert by someone of whom NO ONE has EVER heard.

One more time: A GOOSE PARADE, y'all.

From the Living Room Peanut Gallery:

Grace: Josh has had roughly four thoughts today. It’s 11 am, and he’s had four thoughts.
Johnny: Two were about his shirt. One about his hair.
Grace: And the fourth one was about…
Carolyn: Sex.
Grace: Getting laid. Yes. Grand total of four. Maybe one in there about bacon.

Ugh. Anyone remember the underground crypt in Instanbul that Ali and Fred trekked through? (While they may or may not have been carrying a carpet that Frank got talked into buying?) I feel that this scenery is reminiscent of that date.Ugh. Ali and Fred. The most perfect couple ever. Rest in peace. 

And that ex-girlfriend of Frank's wasn't. even. cute. 

The group date was rather mundane... They were at a monastery. I'm quite curious about how ABC scored that one. There was a four person bike that Andi rode while the guys pedaled... In (YET ANOTHER) unprecedented turn of events, Nick revealed himself to be a GREAT partner if you're ever stranded on a deserted island, because he came up with "The Rhyming Game." I'm not kidding. It's called that and you do that, and it's great. I LOVE THE RHYMING GAME. And the Preference Game that he did with Andi, later on in the evening? Lemme tell you why this is excellent: finding entertainment in the mundane is NOT an easy task, and Nick seems to seriously excel at it. He also excels when it comes to turning molehills into mountains and analyzing who is going to get the rose on this date. I'm pretty sure the editors had to combine ALL the footage EVER of Nick talking about a rose, to put in those five minutes last night, but the boy was a STEWIN'. 

Coach doesn’t want to start freaking out, but... he’s freaking out. 
(Seriously, he told us this.)

But truly: this is Nick about the rose right now:
She loves me not... She loves me! 

...He got the rose.

Coach says that Nick might be smarter than he. Sure. But he knows he can treat her better than Nick can. BOOM. And leave it to Coach not to bother beating around the bush, after the FIFTEEN MINUTES OF SILENCE, upon Nick's return to the hotel room.

Dylan and Coach got sent home. I can't WAIT to see the crowd's reaction to Coach at the Men Tell All.

Spoiler alert

I also can't wait for Hometowns next week. In case you missed it, Farmer Chris hails from a town with a population of SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY EIGHT. I can only assume he was NOT excluding a "thousand" at the end of that figure. Am I the only one who is seeing some MEGA grooming of Farmer Chris to be the next Bachelor??