Tuesday, July 1, 2014

These Man Chats Are Taking A Toll..

This commentary is dedicated to a one Windy Jones. You know when you meet someone in passing and you immediately know you need to be friends with them? That's what happened with Windy. Among other things, she shares my predilection for Ian Somerhalder, Bodybuilder Nick VERY FAIRLY winning Bachelor Pad, and better yet: she has been pivotal in my quest to NOT look like the crypt keeper.


(Disclaimer: Y'all know I have SO much pride and ZERO shame. I have NO shame about taking creepy pictures to stage my own Before/After Experiment.)

Now, to everyone that's my mother's age: I know I'm borderline psychotic. I get it. The lines are faint. BUT THEY EXIST. Zoom in more if you want to, and tell me they don't exist. WINDY MADE THEM GO AWAAAAAY. DO IT.

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)


Guys left: 6
Next Week: Hometowns
Suave Booth: Jen Schefft

I wrote, “Andi doing the leaning tower of Pisa pose with this giant ball… I’m not about it… “ 

Allow me to provide a visual aid for clarification:
Living Room Peanut Gallery Member: Johnny Langan                               Dwarfman                                                              

So we didn't get a Traipse in the Opening Ceremonies this week, but we also didn’t get the wistful balcony footage: we got something a bit unprecedented… I don’t know that we’ve ever had a Bachelor or Bachelorette looking out the window of their…mundane, messy hotel room window. I mean, I know you guys all saw that the bed was very much UNMADE (I'm looking at YOU, Bachelorette Gopher Jacob. There's a reason you're still the Gopher...) 

Let's take a brief look at the first quote that we hear from the "ladies," as they like to call themselves:

“Dude we’re in Brussels. This is SUH-WEET.”

Also a first this week: Harrison leading the guys through Circle Time. I'm VERY surprised that they didn't have a magic doughnut to pass around, that you had to be holding in order to be speaking. And may I JUST ask: WHAT IS IT WITH THE SCARVES THIS WEEK?? I will excuse Farmer Chris. The man has never been anywhere that you can't go on his Big Green Tractor, and he's just trying to do as the Romans do, BUT THE REST OF YOU: what gives??

Nick has something (bitter) to say about Circle Time: “These man chats have taken their toll...” May God grant him the serenity to accept the things he cannot change...

I'd just like the record to show: See Hare read the date card just got added to my Bucket List. Hare did NOT read this date card; he left it with Nick and promptly left the suite, more than likely to go explore the possibilities of Brussels Vodka with a one Elan Gale...

Machiavellian Marcus got the datecard (Am I wrong? I don't mean that he's Machiavellian in his ways - he's far too much of a simpleton for that, I just mean he looks Machiavellian. No, I"m not quite sure what it means for one to "look Machiavellian," but I'm pretty sure it's something along these lines...

Pretty much the only thing I have to say about their traipse-y date: SELLLLFIEEEEE

Wait, let's talk about the part of their Mussels-In-Brussels conversation where Andi was reflecting on when he told her that he thought about leaving and she tried to act out “SHOCKED” for him, to describe how she felt… but when he didn’t take the cue, she had to fill in the words…  (Seriously, she said "When I heard that you were thinking about leaving, I was..." *Poorly acts out a dropped jaw* He doesn't take the hint... "SHOCKED. I was shocked.") SUFFICE IT TO SAY: When these two are on their honeymoon cruise, they shouldn't sign up for The Newlywed Game: Charades. 

Ok he is 100% LYING about why he almost left, right now. He almost bolted "because he was afraid of his feelings?!" I SMELL A RAT.
RAT?!?! WHERE?!?! 

So sometimes the Living Room Peanut Gallery is a little too vocal in my house, so I usually turn on the closed captions when I watch... I'd just like America to know that The Closed Captioning Society of Captions THat Are Closed led us to believe that during dinner, Marcus told Andi, "My Dad... He doesn’t play well in my family...” I saw this on the bottom of the screen and scrambled to hit the rewind button. Surely that couldn't be the phrasing. And alas, I very distinctly heard Marcus say, “My Dad... He doesn’t play a role in my family.” A bit less exciting than telling The Bachelorette that your Dad doesn't play well with others, but a rather pivotal point in communication, no less.

And apparently Marcus has NEVER been to any kind of therapy ever (excluding the Circle Time with Hare) because this was his conversation with Andi:
Marcus: My Dad left. I don’t really know why. He blamed me and my Mom.
Andi: Well that’s not your fault.
Marcus: Yeah… I guess so… It’s hard to forgive him.

This is all well and good, and I'm no psychologist, but I have stood in my fair share of hand-holding circles to recite the Lord's Prayer, and his responses in this instance are indicative of VERY little counseling. I'm not saying he's a basket case, 

Believe me: I know "basket case"
But if your Dad a) leaves and b) blames YOU... a little therapy never hurt NOBODY. 

Andi asked what kinds of questions Marcus' Mama will be asking, which I thought was a VERY nice move, although whether or not Marcus really has any vague idea of what kinds of questions this woman might be asking when all he does is "get coffee with her, most Sundays" remains to be seen... But seriously... Who "gets coffee with their Mom" most Sundays? (Which really means about one Sunday a month...) Andi asked if there was a turning point or "Aha Moment" in Marcus' broken relationship with his mother, and he spoke about a phone call they had where she... cried. For hours, apparently. Dwarfman told him that she "loved that he remembered that phone call," but did anybody else notice how he said it happened while he was in school? Forgive me for being callous, but how could you FORGET a phone call with your mom that lasted all night and well onto 7 AM the next day, when you had to be ready to go to class?? At some point, he rambled that “I didn’t take that into effect” about his Mom's feelings, or I-don't-even-know-what, because I was too distracted by his inability to use the phrase 'I didn't take that into ACCOUNT.' 

Before the makeout-against-a-stone-wall, he left us with this verbal gem: “The feelings I feel for you… I’ve honestly never felt this way about another person.” 
The verb "feel" was used three times in a
15 word sentence. That's domination of
exactly one fifth of the sentence. 

He went back to the hotel, and as soon as he arrived, Nick decided to slink off to Andi's hotel room... 

Wait, so how did he find her room numb- OH WAIT. OH SNAP. He is GOING there right now.

I want to know how many Belgian Benjamin's Bachelorette Gopher Jacob had to slip this poor woman at the front desk, when he told her "A snaggle-toothed dude is gonna come and ask for a room number. There will be cameras behind him. I don't know about Belgian federal law, but this is TOTALLY illegal where I come from. FORGET ALL OF THAT. Forget serious fines and major imprisonment, just give him this card and say 'Room 207.' What's that? Oh, no, this isn't a hotel key, it's a Sephora giftcard that I jacked from my little sister's wallet. It doesn't matter. Just give it to him." 

I will say: watching Nick pull this little stunt was a lot more interesting than Vienna stalking some old castle to find Jake for a midnight "cuddle," or the ADONIS that is Sean Lowe belting Emily's name through the midnight streets of Prague... Blah blah. Nick and Dwarfman went for a walk (I WILL give Nicholas props for taking her on a walk. Very un-slutty of him, and I DO love a good perambulation...) and he's in love with her, yada yada... he looks in the mirror every morning and tells himself he's gonna marry her... Yaaaaaawn.

In (yet another) unheard of turn of events, our favorite Neanderthal, Josh, gets the second one-on-one date, instead of following the pattern "one-on-one/group/one-on-one.") Which consisted of a goose parade and another random concert by someone of whom NO ONE has EVER heard.

One more time: A GOOSE PARADE, y'all.

From the Living Room Peanut Gallery:

Grace: Josh has had roughly four thoughts today. It’s 11 am, and he’s had four thoughts.
Johnny: Two were about his shirt. One about his hair.
Grace: And the fourth one was about…
Carolyn: Sex.
Grace: Getting laid. Yes. Grand total of four. Maybe one in there about bacon.

Ugh. Anyone remember the underground crypt in Instanbul that Ali and Fred trekked through? (While they may or may not have been carrying a carpet that Frank got talked into buying?) I feel that this scenery is reminiscent of that date.Ugh. Ali and Fred. The most perfect couple ever. Rest in peace. 

And that ex-girlfriend of Frank's wasn't. even. cute. 

The group date was rather mundane... They were at a monastery. I'm quite curious about how ABC scored that one. There was a four person bike that Andi rode while the guys pedaled... In (YET ANOTHER) unprecedented turn of events, Nick revealed himself to be a GREAT partner if you're ever stranded on a deserted island, because he came up with "The Rhyming Game." I'm not kidding. It's called that and you do that, and it's great. I LOVE THE RHYMING GAME. And the Preference Game that he did with Andi, later on in the evening? Lemme tell you why this is excellent: finding entertainment in the mundane is NOT an easy task, and Nick seems to seriously excel at it. He also excels when it comes to turning molehills into mountains and analyzing who is going to get the rose on this date. I'm pretty sure the editors had to combine ALL the footage EVER of Nick talking about a rose, to put in those five minutes last night, but the boy was a STEWIN'. 

Coach doesn’t want to start freaking out, but... he’s freaking out. 
(Seriously, he told us this.)

But truly: this is Nick about the rose right now:
She loves me not... She loves me! 

...He got the rose.

Coach says that Nick might be smarter than he. Sure. But he knows he can treat her better than Nick can. BOOM. And leave it to Coach not to bother beating around the bush, after the FIFTEEN MINUTES OF SILENCE, upon Nick's return to the hotel room.

Dylan and Coach got sent home. I can't WAIT to see the crowd's reaction to Coach at the Men Tell All.

Spoiler alert

I also can't wait for Hometowns next week. In case you missed it, Farmer Chris hails from a town with a population of SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY EIGHT. I can only assume he was NOT excluding a "thousand" at the end of that figure. Am I the only one who is seeing some MEGA grooming of Farmer Chris to be the next Bachelor?? 


No comments:

Post a Comment