Tuesday, July 25, 2017

It's Miracle Season, Y'all!

Seriously I'm already bored and depressed going into this week because Deanie Babies is gonezo. And if you DON'T think I'm SCOURING Venice, California for this guy every day of my life now, you're wrong. 

MOVING ON:

Meeting the Fam

PETER:

Ohhhh look at Rach switching it up and introducing her family first. Oh wait, her sister is pregnant. This exposition scene with the guys was so stupid and such a waste of time. The Living Room Peanut Gallery hates ChiroBryro at this point. Ohmigah why are she and Peter at this baby store right now I am SO BORED, WHERE IS DEAN?!?!

Ok Here’s the deal: we ALL know she’s gonna choose Bryan. She isn’t gonna choose Eric, Peter isn’t ready to propose, and now they’re having to fill in all this boring exposition because there is NO show. I don’t hate Peter’s stargazer lilies that he brought for Mom and Co, but if only he’d picked them out himself… It was a bold move for her to tell him that she’s falling in love with him too – I’M LOOKING AT YOU, BEN HIGGINS. (But still… marry me, Ben)

Have bag. Will travel. 

Where is Rachel’s dad? I do think it’s telling that Rachel wanted her sister there badly enough to bring the guys to Texas. Also this is very obviously 100% not their house. Sure, they added some family photos up on the wall, but this is not their home. 

I love how Rachel is trying to convince her family that it’s ok for Peter to propose to her after one month because his parents got engaged after one month. As an attorney, she should know that this is a weak argument, Your Honor. 

Loving that the brother in law asked what items are “of note” to Peter. Not concern, just “of note.” But then her mom asked Rachel what the red flags were. And Rachel says “I don’t know if he is ready to propose.” Because THAT is going to be the show, you guys. Peter will be the one who won’t be sure in the end, and she’ll pick Bryan. Ugh, I need to get out of unscripted TV. It's ruining this show for me. 

Peter doesn’t want to ask for Mama Lindsay’s permission and Mama Lindsay LIKES IT. Honestly so do I. Peter is so down to earth. And MERCY, this light of day is making those green eyes shine.

We saw Rachel’s dog and I go “What’s the dog’s name?” Carolyn says “Copper.”
And we both looked at each other and said “THAT NEVER HAPPENS!” (Carolyn has trouble with names. And small, minute details. Like the name of a dog we’ve seen twice. This was a big moment for her.)

Carolyn’s roommate Jyoti hasn’t seen a lick of this entire season, and after Peter’s date she goes “I just don’t think he…. Likes her.”

She’s not wrong.

ERIC:

Rachel’s uncle remembers that Eric was one of the guys that came on at the After the Final Rose, and I am HERE for his superfandom. 

I wish that Constance had taken the moment that she spoke with Eric to sing Celine Dion’s “Have You Ever Been in Love”… I really wish she’d carpe-d that diem, but alas, she just gleaned that he's never actually been in love.

Eric asked for Mama Lindsay’s permission… She gave him a very diplomatic answer. So diplomatic that I still don’t even know what the answer actually was.

CHIROBRYRO:

Ok that’s all I got on Eric. Oh good grief. Now it’s time for ChiroBryro and I 🍩 care. SHE’S INTRODUCING HIM TO HER FRIENDS! I’m telling you he’s going all the way. This is like when Nikki met Juan Pablo’s family.

RACHEL, to her friends: I thought he was a d-bag!
CAROLYN: I definitely still do. 

Honestly I kind of zoned out while Bryan was talking to her family because I was reading about someone’s speech to the Boy Scouts today, but also I was bored AF. Ohhhh loooook, he’s leaving the dining room, Rachel is annoyed… He’s probably going to get a human body art performance sketch of his love for her, calm DOWN, Rach. (I don’t even know what that means, but he probably left to go fetch some grand gesture) Wait but now we’ve gone to a commercial break. No art performance sketch? Constance doesn’t think Bryan is genuine and I completely agree with her. Constance is giving me Ben Patton taking on Ben Higgins and I am INTO IT. (Honestly, either of those Bens: MARRY ME) Is it just me, or has Rachel been talking Bryan up to us this whole season when we can all see right through him? Kind of in the way that your coworker talks up that one guy who is just THE guy and then you meet him and you think, "Really? Him?" And THEN you kind of doubt your entire relationship with your coworker cause you realize her standards are in a place that is totally different than you thought and THEN you start to kind of doubt YOURSELF because maybe you're a poor judge of where people's standards are? 

I seriously just made up that entire scenario just now, truly: THAT'S how bored I am. Gracious. (But I know you guys know what I mean. Seriously does ANYONE like Bryan? Let me see a show of hands...)

Rachel sits down with her mom and comes at her wearing her attorney hat, as she tries to convince her that it’s ok to say “I love you” after like, six minutes.

FANTASY SUITE DATES: Spain

ERIC:
All I can think about while they’re walking around Spain is…. “If I were The Bachelorette, I’d need my toe shoes.”” So much walking today. This scenery is pretty beautiful. I wouldn’t mind going here. The last place I’ve been really impressed by was Antigua, on stupid Dez's season. I will never tire of the site of the mountains next to the ocean. 

This dinner between Eric and Rachel is painful and boring. I love how “I love you” has somehow become the litmus test for the leads on this show. Like, no matter what kind of person they’re dealing with, ALL THEY NEED is to hear “I love you.” He says it and she’s ready for the fantasy suite. Mercy. Also: why is Eric wearing an undershirt on this date? Like, a straight up white undershirt. Like Big Daddy wears. 

Oh wow. We are seeing Rachel and Eric walk around the morning after. She does NOT have eyelashes on and she looks GREAT. Seriously, she needs to cut back on the lashes. 

PETER:
Peter and Rachel visit a vineyard that was… built on love. I don't know about that, but I really enjoy this Spanish man singing right now. 

PETER FOR THE WIN. That cork. I don’t even care if this story is made up. I love Peter. Not as much as I love Dean, but I love Peter. He isn't ready to propose, so they'll probably orchestrate a Brad Womack Redemption storyline and make him the next Bachelor and I am HERE FOR IT. 


Ohhhh Rachey is getting angry that Peter isn’t ready to propose. She’s getting real aggressive. This is weird that it is now a thing for them that they don’t agree on the definition of… engagement? 

OHMIGAH WHY ARE WE BEING STRUNG ALONG TO NEXT WEEK?!?! Although next week is the Men Tell All and you guys KNOW how much I love that shiz. 

So stoked for Lee and Kenny to face off. And for the Men Tell All audience to appreciate Deanie Babies.

Oh wait, next week might be... TV-less... Carolyn and I are moving into a place and don't have a TV (yet) soooo if anyone has a TV they'd like to sell to us... Or if anyone has a nice man they'd like for me to marry... Or cookies, honestly. You know, the usual things. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Special Guest Host and Commentator: GRAN

​Have I told you guys how my mom used to take notes on shows when I was in high school? (Didn’t have DVR then, still don’t have it now.) She would watch Alias and The Bachelor when I was in rehearsal then give me a run down when I got home. TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK. You know how super fancy people have guest hosts of their podcasts? That’s what I’m doing today. Here is Gran Gran’s commentary and recap of the show, for your viewing pleasure…

ERIC...in Baltimore... Took Rachel to "good part first, bad part last.” Played some hoops, then sat on basketballs to talk. He has never brought home a girl. His best friend was impressed. He had no role models, so he had to "put his big boy pants" from an early age. Admits he puts up a front that says "I'm OK.” Met the fam in a swanky hotel. Mom asks what it's like to be first black Bachelorette. Eric said he was running from love. Did NOT tell her he loved her.

BRYAN... Met her in Domino Park, and they shared Cuban cuisine. Rachel is very nervous. Bryan’s old GF was threatened by his mom. Mom told Rachel that she would kill her if she broke his heart. Dead Serious. Bryan is a mama's boy. BUT he did tell her that he loved her. Big Daddy loved that this was in Miami and kept asking if you knew every person on the screen, if they were going to go to your church, or if they’d stop in Little Havana and see Allycat.

PETER... Isn’t ready yet??!! Mercy. His friends loved her. At home, Rachel melted with Peter's niece, watching him interact with her. Rachel said he was more reserved around his family, but she connected with Mom and Sissy. Rachel said she was committed to a man, and NOT the proposal.

DEAN... Rachel jumped him when she first saw him. She does that ALOT. It was D's first visit home in 2 years. He is “troubled,” as Big Daddy would say. His dad is really bizarre. Dressed like some Shaman. No communication with Dean. Dad hit the gong and said Dean had a lack of energy and power.  Then Dean proceeded to go off on his dad, and dad simply walked away. I can sum it up in 1 word: BAGGAGE. He also didn’t tell her he loved her.

Rose ceremony:  First of all, her metallic blue eye make-up was HIDEOUS. Nothing we’ve seen before. Mercy. Rachel has feelings for all 4 men. Bryan was the ONLY one to say I love you. With Dean, she said he was a big surprise...but then she dumped him.  She seemed to be hemming and hawing thru the entire ceremony. Dean was obviously upset in Limo...saying he'd found true love...So, why didn't he say so to Rachel? I can sum it up: he was shell shocked by visit to his family.

I know a lot is riding on this commentary... May I disavow myself?​


NO YOU MAY NOT, GRAN, THIS IS AMAZING.

Guys, be sure and comment to tell Gran what a good job she did. Also she sent me THIS in the mail the other day, and if you’ve ever spent more than sixteen seconds with me, you know I LOVE some good drapery. Coupled with Lilly Pulitzer = the DREAM.



Three cheers for Gran! 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Tomorrow will be difficult. I don’t know what else to say. Except: BYE!

First thoughts: OMG I’M SO GLAD TO SEE DEAN ON MY SCREEN AGAIN.


I love that we’re hearing from Matt for the FIRST TIME THIS ENTIRE SEASON. He and Adam HAVE to know why they’re here. They are there for the explicit purpose of being easy to send home. That is IT. ChiroBryro gets ANOTHER one on one date… Adam and Matt still haven’t had one on one dates.

Now is obviously my favorite time to bring up that ONE RANDOM DUDE from Ali Fedotowsky's season... David? We genuinely DID NOT hear him speak until the episode before hometowns in like, Reykjavik when he was sent home.
I'm about to look this dude up on Spokeo

At least Adam had Adam Jr. as a point of reference, but SHEESH these two got ZERO airtime. Hopefully they have better luck in Paradise.

One on One: ChiroBryro:

I really don’t care that they’re driving this stupid car around Switzerland. Take me to the site of the Geneva Convention, that’s all I care about. This stupid Bentley reminds me of how they gave Dez a baby blue Bentley on her season and it was SO. STUPID. I hate cars and cannot be bothered. (Except shoutout to my favorite guy, Rodger the Prius, because he is bae. All other cars are a waste of time.) Show me that you have a copy of the 1623 First Folio - THEN I'll be impressed. Mercy.


The only reason I’ve heard of this watch place is because I have to drive through the Watch District to get to Carolyn’s house every Monday. And by “Watch District,” I mean that for a stretch of three or four miles on Pico Blvd, there are ONLY billboards for luxury watches. Including Breitbart, here. Wait what is it, Breitling? I 🍩 CARE.


RACHEL IS NOT BUYING THE WATCH, BREITLING IS DONATING THE WATCH FOR PRODUCT PLACEMENT GET OUT OF TOWN WITH YOUR LIES, RACH.

I love that they set up Matt and Adam to talk on the balcony about how they haven’t had one on ones dates. Are they mortified as they watch this, seeing what kind of pawns they were? One has to wonder...

AND NOW LISTEN TO MY MAN DEAN SPITTING TRUTH ABOUT BRYAN’S WOMANIZING WAYS.

Ok is it just me, or is Rachel going HEAVY on the hand jewelry this season? Which is a lot for me to say because I’ve been stacking as many rings on my fingers for as long as I can remember but there is just SO much metal happening on her hands. It’s pretty much the only thing I have to think about on this date because they’re JUST making out and talking about luxury things that 🍩 move me.


That is a FULL glass of wine that Rachel is working with, at the dinner table right now.


I appreciate that Bryro went to an all boy’s school. I don’t appreciate that he asked Rachel for specifics about her school uniform. I am liking this symphony that is playing for them. But honestly, I low-key miss Josh Rachet, from Juan Pablo’s season…

Rachel says Bryan “brings out the best in her,” and that is because he LITERALLY SUCKS IT OUT OF HER, mercy!!

One on One: 
Dean Don't-Punch-Me-In-The-Face Unglert


Dean asks Rachel “is ths Sunday best?” EVERYTHING YOU DO IS SUNDAY BEST, DEAN.


You guys… Dean’s smile is… I don’t even know how to describe it. White Oleander? It has to be poisonous, right? BUT IT IS SO PRETTY. I don’t know why I said it could be poisonous. I don’t mean that. I take it back, Dean, MARRY ME. I have zero problems with this date being an outing to church. Wish they didn’t have to make conversation with people who don’t speak English, but whatever.


WHY ARE ERIC AND PETER SITTING ON THE BALCONY SAYING UNCOUTH THINGS ABOUT DEAN?!?!?! This is blasphemy.

YOU BOYS BETTER LOOK OUT.


Also why is Dean so nervous on this date?! He is imploding right now before our very eyes and I don’t understand what’s happening. Meanwhile, Matt is ruminating on the fact that Dean is “set in his ways” as a guy in his twenties… Is it 25 year olds that are set in their ways or 37 year old chiropractors? Remind me… I have no qualms about the fact that Dean asked Rachel what her favorite dinosaur was, I can definitely get behind that question. Thank goodness she finally got to the bottom of it at dinner tonight, but I wish that Rachel had asked him “WHAT’S WRONG” so much earlier in the day. Kind of stoked to see what on earth his family could possibly be like. What does he mean when he says his dad is "eccentric?" (Update: judging by the previews, that means EVERYTHING and I cannot wait) Take me home to your eccentric Dad, Deanie Babies, I won't judge.

One On One: Peter

Rachel and Peter are going to the Alps… and it greatly reminds me of Sean’s Giant Snowbus aka one of my favorite dates in Bachelor history. Seriously I looked at Carolyn and said, “What does this date remind me of?” And she goes “Sean’s Giant Snowbus!” Then we high fived.

NEVER FORGET


THEY ARE SO COLD ON THIS DATE IT IS WORSE THAN THE REVENANT ARE THEY GOING TO SLEEP INSIDE A DEAD HORSE?

(I actually asked this outloud and Bryan goes “Yes, Grace. They are. Don’t ruin it for everyone else.”)


Peter told Rachel some stuff about his last girlfriend… I was half listening cause I was reading this terrifying article about global warming, it’s fiiiiiine:
http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2017/07/climate-change-earth-too-hot-for-humans.html


Three on One:

Obviously the producers have been feeding Adam some LINES because he just told us that he has a stronger relationship than any of the guys in the house....

YIKES

CAROLYN: She is wearing a CROP TOP. It is SNOWING.

I think Eric’s date was on the Tuesday episode last time and I just need to remark that seriously NO ONE has ever made such a strong comeback in Bachelor history, EVER. The rate at which he was able to get out of his head and pull it together was ASTONISHING. And now he just wants to be her shoulder to lean on. He is a Bachelor prodigy. Whatta legend.

Meanwhile Adam is ABSOLUTELY deranged. He is feeling confident and at peace and we all know what THAT means.

And now Matt is telling Rachel that he loves having seen her evolve over the past 8 to 10… months? Huh? Ohhh she’s already crying.
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

That was also strangely the longest goodbye kiss we’ve seen in Bachelor history. Interested to see if he's perked up at all by the Men Tell All.

Obviously they had to cut for time, so we didn’t see Rachel have time with Adam during the day, nor did we see her tell the dudes that she had just sent Matt home, but whatever. This date is already long AF.

Adam is spitting some serious game as he talks to Rachel, but we all know that she’s giving the rose to Eric! Was ANYONE thinking otherwise?? Mercy.

Ok. We're now down to four. I am SO excited for Dean's hometown next week, it's kind of unreal.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Monday, June 26, 2017

Tides of Realness

Announcements:

1) BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK ON ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD I AM SLEEPING SO MUCH BETTER AT NIGHT. Lack of punctuation intended to indicate stakes. 
1a) There's apparently a three part interview with DeMario happening sometime this week. I learned that when I went to yahoo.com to try to login to my yahoo email account. Couldn't guess my password. Gave up. But excited about that interview. 
2) I watched live at home tonight with my roommate Adrienne because Carolyn and Johnny are literally too famous to function - they were at a MOVIE PREMIERE for a film that Carolyn's company did. Everything famous that's ever happened is those two. 
3) I won't get to tomorrow night's episode til probably Thursday - I have dinner plans with two of my favorite ladies tomorrow that I sternly refuse to reschedule. 


THAT BEING SAID:

We open with Eric being too drunk to even fully open his eyes. Then Chiro Bryro tells Rachel some math equation about how they’re perfect for one another and I’m annoyed by him. WE JUST SAW SO MUCH OF HIS TONGUE WHILE THEY MADE OUT OH MY WORD.

I really appreciate how Will said something to the effect of “I don’t care about Lee and Kenny, unless someone is throwing punches.
....That said, I will go and watch.”

I think that’s my entire life summed up in two sentences.

Here’s the thing that Kenny and Lee need to do: have this discussion in front of Rachel. THAT is how they could solve this. I’m not saying I’m King Solomon (remember when those two women with the baby came to him and he was like “I know how to settle this”) BUT I KNOW HOW TO SETTLE THIS. If they hashed it out in front of Rachel it would go so differently. Especially because she's an attorney. Now Lee is walking away from the conversation, a definite giveaway that he has lost the argument. Good, cause I was tired of listening to them talk over one another. They were worse than political pundits on Meet the Press.

Group rose is going to Chiro Bryro, I’m calling it right n- oh, look. It did.  As his twin, Alex, stands behind him. Ouch. And then Rachel just slinks out. Kenny congratulates Bryan, implying that this is a contest, and then he... whispers at Lee.


One on One date: Jack
Oh my gosh this date with Jack is PAINNNN FULLLLL. Y’all what is even happening!!!??? This is disastrous. Why... is Jack... the way that he is?? No hot sauce on my oyster, please. Jack is every uncomfortable quality that a man could possibly have, rolled into one. 

Ok here's my one insight about Jack - You KNOW that Jack is every girl's friend. You know that every girl he’s ever known has told him that he’s a "great catch" and is "totally the marrying type".... but they won’t go on a date with him. BECAUSE HE IS THE CREEPIEST MAN ALIVE!! 

These background Shaggin Dancers are so excited to be featured on this show, though. 
Live your best life, shaggers. 


OH MY GOSH SHE JUST GAVE HIM A PECK AND THEN TOLD HIM SHE WAS SICK WHAT HIS HAPPENING I AM DYING OVER THIS.

And why does Jack keep giving her this serial killer look?!!? I didn't even have to wait for this moment. I just pointed my camera, snapped a picture and it was his serial killer face because he was hardly ever NOT making that face. And yes, that's how many cords it takes to run the TV to an antenna through a converter box because I insist on living no later than the year 1994. 





There seriously hasn’t been a date this bad since that guy Doug that Emily Maynard had to send home mid-group date after he tried to kiss her. I am locked in the fetal position and have no plans to get out of it any time soon.

I love how Rachel takes everything he says so literally – like when he told her he "couldn’t focus during the dancing," she looked at him like, "Oh so you have ADD?" Or how he was "shocked the first time he spoke to her," she looked like she was ready to ask, "Oh, did they tell you the Bachelorette was gonna be white?" She can't even enter onto a joking level with him because she is SO repulsed by him. 

Aaaaaand the first thing Jack would do back in Dallas is… lock the door. MERCY!! Rachel had a weird soundbite about that, saying how it showed her what kind of man he was, when there are plenty of things they could be doing around Dallas. I would argue that it isn't so telling that he wants to "go to Dallas and lock the door," but that he wants to do that and she doesn't feel good about it. Because I can guarantee that if Peter or ChiroBryro said that, she'd be all about it. 

WHY DIDN’T WE GET AN EXIT INTERVIEW FROM HIM?! I really hope he's on BIP. Full disclosure: I somehow found myself combing DEEP into Taylor’s Instagram comments (Mental Health Counselor Taylor who got into it with Corinne – remember her?) and she and Danielle M from last season were calling out some trolls, and then Jack jumped in on the fun… Probably because none of them have jobs and sit around on Instagram all day... It was several days ago before BIP resumed filming, so who KNOWS what will happen down there. Also I will never NOT endorse going deep into someone’s Instagram comments. It’s worth it every time. 

Can't stop. Won't stop. 


Whoa, Will is spitting some truth at Lee right now about what’s going on with Kenny. Lee isn’t having it. Guys, Will is growing on me something FIERCE. (EvenThoughHeDressedUpAsUrkel)

Rose Ceremony:
Adam and Iggy clearly missed the dark suit memo, but I’ll let it slide. I can’t believe they made Kenny and Lee stand beside each other but I’m obviously here for it.

Roses went to: Eric, Peter, Adam, Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and… Lee.

Wait what did Lee say about Kenny? A phrase that they use down south? I missed it. And I’m watching live so I can’t rewind!

I’m glad Iggy has support from his dudes. They seem to really like Iggy. Ok I really didn’t hate Jonathan's“one for the road” moment. It was definitely the most self-aware he's been all season and I’ve got time for that. Didn’t need to see his “tickle hands,” though. Woof.

Iggy is crying and saying that he has learned more about himself in the past four weeks than he has in thirty years. Can someone PLEASE explain to me how this show "teaches you about yourself?" Because I don’t understand how it does anything but make you miserable and insane… (and very TV worthy)

MOVING ON. Norway:

Glad that Rachel got a copy of the Norwegian Welcome Packet so she could read us the amenities that Norway has to offer. She couldn't have been any less excited about it.

RACHEL: This is real. I’m trying to find a husband.
ADRIENNE: WELL AREN’T WE ALL.

Rachel says that when you travel with someone, you really get to know them… Rachel, that’s when you’re stuck in a car with someone for seven hours. THAT’S how you get to know someone. Not when you fly cheap Norw-air while production makes it look like a chartered plane touched down on that runway just now... (No, "Norw-air" isn't a thing, but I should probably make it one.)

One on One: ChiroBryro

Dean thinks Bryan is going to go home… I respect Dean, but I think his barometer is a bit off on that one.

Rachel informs ChiroBryro that they are going to repel down off a huge ski jump. Cool. Scared of heights, scared to open up to love, blah blahhh.

Did I tell you guys that we’re doing the Sky Slide this weekend? It’s at the US Bank Building… You know, the slide that’s 70 stories up in the air that Nick and Vanessa DIDN’T do when they dined on top of the US Bank building. (Seriously why else would you POSSIBLY go to the US Bank building?)

WHY IS RACHEL RAPPELLING THIS IN HEELS? Sara Jung, may we please get an official statement from Rock Climbers of America about how this is a bad idea? (No, Rock Climbers of America isn't a thing - well, as far as I know it's not - but I should really make that one a thing)

Ok they’re a little bit charming together. I’m not mad. But I could definitely do without the smacking during their kisses.

I support the conversation that Rachel and Bryan are having at dinner right now. Super vulnerable. But when are we going to get to the fact that it’s crazy that he is still single?

Chiro Bryro told her that he’s falling in love with her and he has had NO MORE than eight total hours of conversation with her. No joke. God bless America and God bless reality TV.


GROUP DATE:
 
Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah

These outfits are dumb. They’re not even funny, Is Matt on this date? Can’t even tell.

I strangely love that Will played hand ball at summer camp growing up. I'm seriously thinking about tweeting incessantly at Will and making him meet me at the Venice Gold's Gym when he's in town for the Men Tell All. Any thoughts on that?

Peter has a GREAT attitude about this and is using his time on the court SO wisely.

Why is Dean wearing a jock strap on the outside of his jersey? Mad protection of the family jewels? Adrienne and I can’t figure it out but aren't ready to quit giggling about it.

I CAN’T BELIEVE RACHEL AND PETER GOT IN THE HOT TUB ON THE GROUP DATE! WHAAAAAT. That's honestly... kind of rude. Like, I believe the dudes when they said "Well here he is three hours later" when Peter finally emerged... Shout out to the Production Assistant who got to blow dry his hair and comb their fingers through those silky silver fox waves...

Group date rose went to Will. Peter obviously didn’t get it because she feels like he doesn’t need any affirmation DUH.

Two on One Date:


It always amuses me how people talk about preparation for these dates saying things like, “I’m calm, I’m focused,” like it’s an actual marathon. The proper response would be “I’m excited to spend time with Rachel!” Come on, dudes.

It’s also entertaining that the people that get sent on the two on one dates… have no physical connection with the lead. Remember Corinne and Taylor? (Don't tell me Nick and Corinne had physical chemistry) Or Alex and Mad Chad? Or Olivia and one of the Twins? Zero. Physical. Connection.

Is it just me or does Lee look… puffy? Like he had one too many drinks last night? Is that just me?

WHOA LEE IS LAYING DOWN A SCENE, HERE. Mercy. I can’t wait for VanGate to come up at the Men Tell All

Ok I'm no lawyer, but I DO want to explain some logistics, here. I'm not defending either party, but I have found that I am a VIGOROUS defender of clear communication, and I want to point out what happened, here with VanGate: 

Lee told Rachel something to the effect of "Kenny got really aggressive with me, he wanted to pull me out of the van one night... He showed up and said "Is Lee in there?!" 

Interestingly, Lee made no mention of Kenny actually laying a hand on him. Kenny probably said "Is Lee in there?" so he would know to ride in the other van. But because Lee set up his statement with "Kenny wanted to pull me out of the van," all Rachel heard was "Kenny attempted to pull me out of the van." 

Which Kenny obviously didn't do. I can't speak to the whole "Kenny said he has a dark side that comes out when he drinks," but in terms of VanGate, Lee pulled a REAL snaky move and IMPLIED a whole bunch of things. 

But I'm bummed that Rachel Lindsay, Doctor of Laws, didn't pick up on that. 

Very curious to see if she sends them both home. I feel like she doesn't, cause we have yet to see the instance where Kenny ends up with that blood on his face, which is obviously fake... SO MANY QUESTIONS. 

Until tomorrow, if you're a bird, I'm a bird.



Monday, June 19, 2017

You Continue to Be in the Sauce!!

Let’s start with the important things on the agenda:

- The Jim Comey testimony was everything I wanted and more. (Yes, I watched all three hours of it. And all two hours of Jeff Sessions’ testimony. I’ve been watching way too much C-SPAN lately -whatever, I’m turning into my grandmother and I’m ok with it) Props to Comey for phrases like, “No fuzz on that,” and his quoting of Henry II. Bless.

Zero Fuzz. 

- Y’all… This Bachelor in Paradise thing… I very genuinely feel like a mother of five who found out that month-long summer camp was cancelled. WHAT am I supposed to do with my summer?!?!?!?! I am so upset. I am REELING. But seriously – how crazy is that whole thing? From all angles?! Now ABC has to come up with FOUR hours of programming for the summer (two hours of BIP on Mondays, an hour on Tuesdays followed by the live after show) everyone in production and post production is now out of a job, not to mention that this whole thing throws the show onto the front lines of every political debate ever: victim blaming, slut shaming, feminism, late capitalism (I’m looking at you, Buck Curley) DeMario says they should release the tapes. I say release the Comey tapes first, but JK ROFL we all know those tapes don’t even exist.

Image result for what a time to be alive
RIP Harambe

We pick up tonight's episode with a reminder that Lee and Eric are crazy. Look, I don’t hate Eric yet, he just yells an awful lot. Rachel wants to leave them behind and to talk to Tickle Monster in the rainbow tie. HOW IS TICKLE MONSTER STILL HERE?! Mercy. It seems like Josiah is taking Eric’s side and I trust Josiah, but that’s probably based on my general affinity for lawyers. It also seems like Lee got a haircut about two months ago and it’s growing out in a weird way… Get that under control, buddy. Lee is also too drunk to count right now. Dean asserts that he thinks that Lee is a moron and I am feeling real sweet on Dean, so I’m gonna agree with pretty much anything he says. OMG WHY IS LEE TALKING ABOUT HIS GRANDFATHER AND THE KNIFE RIGHT NOW WHERE IS THIS GOING. The way that he scrawled “ENCHANTING” onto a two by four makes me question his literacy. But then again, the male model next to Dean doesn’t know the difference between “cork” and “quirk” and the fact that Dean can’t straighten this out either is emotionally upsetting to me. Final observation: I like Kenny’s purple button down, but I hate Alex’s purple zebra blazer.

OHHH DR. BRYAN COMING IN STRONG WITH THE VULNERABILITY JARGON. I really like Bryan, but he’s just old AF. Rachel is scared that Bryan is too good to be true and Bryan has nothing to say to that except more… too good to be true jargon. Bryan is spitting some major game tonight… Before spitting into Rachel’s mouth. I do like Rachel’s coat. NOW THE KENNY-LEE CONFRONTATION IS COMING, MY BODY IS READY.

Kenny’s calm demeanor going into this is exceptional. Dunno know why Diggy is lurking in the background, though. The editing on this is kind of poor. Their conversation doesn’t make sense. Rachel is equally troubled by it as she talks to the large-eared elven man that I’ve never seen. Oh wait. Didn’t I make a Rivendell joke last week about him? Who is this guy? Lee is now saying some more nonsensical things about tears and beers to the “corky” male model, THANK GOD PETER IS HERE NOW. Peter, take me away, cowboy. Find us a river we can skate away on. Just say you won't let go. (And any other song lyrics that are appropriate, here) To be honest, I don’t exactly have a handle on the pressures that Rachel is telling this producer that she's facing, but what I DO have a handle on is the fact that the camera got WAY too close to Tickle Monster’s face, just now.

The producer has called in the big guns for Rachel and Hare shows up, insisting that he can facilitate anything. Can he facilitate a new shirt for Dean? This Hawaiian thing needs to go. Breaking news- oh my gosh it isn’t just a terrible purple zebra blazer that Alex is wearing, it’s an entire SUIT. No wonder Rachel ended the cocktail party early.

Roses went to: Will, Dean, Tickle Monster, Peter, (I feel like this track of music indicates that Lee is going to stay) Adam, Bryan, Matt (who? Is this the same guy I was asking about last week?) Josiah, Jack (so far the only words we’ve heard from Jack are that he knows the difference between cork and quirk) Iggy, Kenny, and last and least: Lee.

Sucks that Rivendell guy got his time cut off because of Lee and he still hast to go home. At least Diggy has his shoe collection waiting for him.

South Carolina:

They made it look like the guys had a private plane to HH… That is very clearly not true. #Southwest #FlyTheFriendlySkies #OrSomethingLikeThat But I am loving the dudes racing golf carts right now because I love watching dudes doing things.

One On One: 

Dean

Y’ALL DEAN IS SO CUTE I CAN’T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW. The kind of cute where if he tried to talk to me I would genuinely just say nonsensical things. I really wish that I could hold him accountable for the shorts and pants he chose to wear on this date. And honestly he's young and poor enough that he's probably still wearing his high school wardrobe (oh, was that just me?)

Strange that Rachel thinks she can make Dean feel more reassured by driving the blimp herself. So glad that Dean is trying to find the seat belt before taking the reins himself. Dean is gonna fall hard for Rachel after this – you guys KNOW my statistics on dates with adrenaline. I love how Rachel thinks she’s a daredevil for... manning a completely piloted blimp.

The set-up of these moss trees reminds me of an EXCEPTIONAL show on CMT called “Sweet Home Alabama.” If you’ve never seen it, EDUCATE THYSELF and get back to me.

Dean starts dinner off with a vanilla “tell me about your upbringing.” And then replies that the foundation of his childhood was religion and… dirt bikes. Ok wait this story about his mom is devastating. Oh my GOODNESS. Dean passed Rachel’s expectations on this date. And mine. I have a lot more questions about what happened between 15 and 18 then 18 to 25, but meanwhile:




(Sidenote: that Secret deodorant commercial... Where the girl is fanning her armpits in front of the AC, talking to an imaginary date? ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME) Second sidenote: have you guys seen that T-Mobile commercial where the guy tries to buy lemonade from a little girl and she adds all those extra fees? THAT GUY is Dan from Dez’s season, also the dude that hooked up with Onion Ashley on BIP. (Rest in Peace, BIP)

Ohhh heeeey Russell Dickerson. Let me tell you about how much I love this song he is singing right now: a giant part of my life is based on analyzing and finding the perfect First Dance song. It’s my first question after EVERY wedding, and it’s really the only thing that matters. (I got two texts this weekend, as a matter of fact, with the titles of the first dance songs from two different weddings, because my really good friends know how to head me off at the pass with my wedding questions.) My brother actually introduced me to Russell Dickerson (because he supports my unfounded notion that the first dance song is the only thing that matters about a marriage) and if you all will remember Patrick Shea, winner of the “Boyfriend of the Year” award I mentioned a while ago – HIS song with his girlfriend (of the Century) Katie is the very song Russell played. ALSO THEY HAVE MET RUSSELL DICKERSON. It’s very casual.

Group Date:

Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Le, Iggy, Eric, Will, Josiah

Peter’s reading of this date card was the WORST in the history of this entire show, how even? I’m happy for Jack getting a one-on-one because he knew the difference between “cork” and “quirk” AND he’s an attorney. 

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(JK the jury is totally still out on Jack, but he's got everything going for him so far....) 

Josiah is already pretty sloshed and it's probably only about 11 am. Kenny’s rapping is delightful, but you KNOW that I’m real into Peter spitting rhymes in that coral shirt right now.

Look, I’m all about a spelling Bee, but the fact that they’ve made these guys pound drinks and now they’re making them spell... is a lot. Rachel thinks intelligence is sexy. I do too, but I feel like there are many better indications of intelligence spelling words. I’m glad they put that Bachelor PA to work making him draw a bunch of bees to hang up all over the place.

To be fair, I don’t think I could spell boudoir… Wait, I typed it correctly, just now! Eric and “façade…” is very disappointing to me. It looks like Josiah is still pretty sloshed, and he’s still spelling correctly, but we haven’t seen him face any tough ones… boutinnere… Boutinerre… Oh I would NOT get that one. "Physiological," not a tough one. "Polyamorous," also not difficult. I’d honestly be fine if there weren’t any French words up in it…

Clearly Peter never had Joe Croker as an English teacher and never saw Bridget Jones’ Diary.
Mr. FitzHerbert... Because that... is his name. 



If Rachel has a choice, she would never wear shoes. Samesies, Rachel...

...unless you could Vibrams.

How did it come to be that Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin?? Is no one going to ask her about that? And by "no one," I mean "Peter."

Eric is making a GREAT comeback right now. He really could have slipped into just talking about Lee and Kenny, but he is using his time VERY wisely and I'm impressed.

I’m so bored by Iggy talking smack about Josiah to Rachel. He is still sweaty, what is going ON? And now he goes back and talks to Josiah. And tells him exactly what he said. He is such a pot stirrer!! I feel like Eric called him out really well, telling him he was part of the problem. Iggy needs to go.

Lee is digging a massive hole for himself, for the Men Tell All, it’s really just incredible. Telling Rachel how he "loves the guy" about Kenny, then turning around and telling the camera how much he likes baiting him... Also the fact that he said “yes ma’am” to Rachel is unreal.

Alex and Peter are obviously pretty sober and they’re not into Lee’s shenanigans at the bar right now. Also I have a big problem with the fact that the men seem to think “disingenuine” is a word. 

Kenny is trying to tell Rachel about what happened the night of the rose ceremony but she is NOT having it. She wasn't even into his rapping. Also massive points to Kenny because he actually commented on this, observing her closed body language.

OHHHH HE JUST DROPPED THE “ALTERNATIVE FACTS” ON US. No one is safe.

Who is Will even talking about when Kenny comes in to grab Lee for a chat? I really like Will more and more, but I’m still so upset about his Urkel Schtick. But he gets points for doing so well on the Spelling Bee.

Kenny and Josiah doing Game of Thrones while Alex looks on is so delightful in my life right now. 

WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO JACK'S DATE!! What is life? Thank goodness we get two episodes next week, so rude of the sport games to intrude on our airtime last week. 

Ugh, if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

GET YOUR JOY SOMEWHERE ELSE

Announcements:

1) Y’ALL JAMES COMEY IS TESTIFYING IN THREE DAYS YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. (True life: I don’t think he’s actually going to say anything earth shattering because all of it is still under investigation, but I definitely still wanna see him in a Gotcha game with Kareem Abdul Jabbar.)

2) Anyone else read “All the Light We Cannot See?” I just finished it and I am, as the kids would say, SHOOKETH.” It won the 2015 Pulitzer for a reason. Run, don’t walk, to pick up a copy of it.

3) Finally… Let me take you back to 2008. Just bear with me, I promise this is worth it. My mentor in the Miami BFA program, the legendary Tim Murray told me a lot of important things during my first semester. He told me who I should be friends with in the program and who I shouldn’t talk to (and honestly he was so right, to this day) But early in the fall he started snapping in my face and said, “Ok two names I need you to know: Lissa Rubin and Katie McClellan. They are legendary and they are infinite and you must love them, got it?” I nodded gravely, understanding that with which I had just been charged. When these two ladies returned for spring semester (I don’t even know where they were – they were literally too famous for first semester) I very genuinely sat at their feet and demanded that they love me. Fast forward to almost a decade later… Katie McClellan was in town this week, y’all. Remember Katie? She's my friend that I talked about being in that Hallmark movie? She's v famous.


I had the privilege of watching last night’s episode with her and if you ask me whom I adore in life, she’s near the top of the list. We watched with her friends Ross and Lauren. Ross has yet to convert to being a fan of BachelorNation. I told Lauren to just give him time.

So we picked up right when last we left our heroes and DeMario starts off his time with Rachel with a handshake. Strong. Let’s talk about how he wiped his lip before he recited his “favorite quote.” (I put that term in quotations because… you know.) But seriously. It was like his body knew what he was about to say was complete nonsense and was making a last ditch effort to cover up his mouth so he wouldn't say it. DeMario pleads with Rachel. He tells her what his Uber driver said. He genuinely BEGS for another chance. And he gets NO WHERE. Rachel’s handling of this situation was a masterpiece. She very diplomatically bid him adieu. Allegedly DeMario's gonna be on Bachelor in Paradise and I LOVE IT.

Jonathan (aka Tickle Monster) and those hands are very PRECISELY why I love the second and third episode, y’all! They still are in the vicinity of things like the 99 Cent Store, so they can make things like this happen! They can send a PA to get a bunch of skin colored fabric, fifty eight thousand cotten balls and eighty one sharpies so they can draw lines on the hands. But seriously WHAT are these hands and why is this guy the wooooooorst. Honestly it's just making me mad that we're wasting screen time on this guy and not seeing Buster Bluth:
Give your brother a hand. 

I feel like Alex is going to go far. Wait. I mean Bryan. I confuse the two of them. Ok, ok. Alex is the Rubix Cube vaccum guy that’s obsessed with his Mom, and Bryan is the handsy chiropractor first impression rose guy. Got it.


YOU GUYS I REALLY WANT TO LIKE WILL BUT HE DID THE STEVE URKEL AND YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT POORLY EXECUTED SCHITCK. Ugh. Just needed to get my feelings out in all caps about it. 

This whole Blake and WaBoom thing. I want to break it down like it's a poetry exposition assignment in a high school English class or something. The whole thing is just so rich. I guess I'll start with my questions: 
- WaBoom is so sloshed right now, how could anyone take ANY of his words seriously? 
- Why was Rachel's primary concern about whether or not WaBoom FINISHED THE BANANA? 
- Was this whole thing made up? Were there other witnesses? Because Blake, aka Johnnie If-The-Glove-Don't-Fit Cochran rushes into the courtroom and explains that he's on a ketogenic diet and couldn't have POSSIBLY been eating a banana at the time of the murder! (or at the time of the alleged incident. Whatever.)

Seriously what are we supposed to say to this whole thing?! I need approximately 10 million years to get over it.
I have lost the ability to even. 

Roses went to: Bryan, Bryce (who?) Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, (But seriously who is Bryce?) Jack, Matt (Matt?) Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady, Lee, Iggy, Fred, Diggy.

Iggy is still sweating. I feel you, bro.

Who is that unkempt PA that we saw in the jacket during this confrontation right now? This living room wants answers!

THE WABOOM AND LUCAS CONFRONTATION.

It’s not about winning, it’s about the world. Go back to your garbage clown life. THIS ISN’T EVEN MY COMMENTARY IT’S ACTUAL STUFF THAT THEY ARE SAYING TO EACH OTHER. This is the America that we have inherited. Dudes say stuff like this to each other. I’d like to take a moment to point out that Ross had joined us in watching, at this point, as any good sport would do. And even though Katie and Lauren and I were shaking our heads, asking how this could even be happening, Ross very calmly pointed out “People… REALLY want to be famous.” 

Ross isn't wrong. 


Group Date: Ellen
Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred,

I’m so excited for Ellen to be on this date. She loves this show and America loves HER. And I already really like her opinion on Jonathan and Will. About the Tickle Monster she said "Oh I don't like that." And about Urkel she immediately goes, "Uh oh." Ellen is America's sweetheart. Also at this point Katie wisely pointed out what kind of crazy contract had to go down to get ABC and NBC to merge for this.

Alex decided to kiss and tell AND SO DID WILL and I am not here for it. 
Never!


Ok I saw this date a while ago and am SO upset that none of the guys went and danced up on Rachel!! This was their CHANCE! Like, if E'ER there was a chance to say "Can I steal you away?" THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN IT. (Speaking of "steal you away" did anyone else see the coverage of Trudeu and Macron's political bromance at the G7 summit? It was so delightful)

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Please accept all my roses. 


I have a lot of questions about Alex’s pants. But he wants us to know that his nude selfie was classy. Mercy these guys are trashy. THERE IS NO SUCH THING, ALEXANDER.

I don’t know what on earth this left eye to left eye thing that Alex is talking about but I’m so into it. Have I told you guys how this show turned me into a body language expert? Seriously US Magazine could use me as an expert analyzer of body language. I’ve read over seven books on it, now and I’ve never heard of this left eye thing but I love it.

I’m telling you right now: Fred is gonna lay one on her, it’s gonna be awkward and she’s gonna send him home.

Ok now I really don’t know how to feel about the fact that Fred asked her if he coud kiss her… As we all know, “If you have to ask… you’ll never know.”

THE FACT THAT SHE TOOK THE ROSE WITH HER TO SEND FRED HOME IS SAVAGE. I still don’t even know how to use that term, but I think that was an ok implementation of it.

Eric says that Rachel is not emotionally vulnerable to him. Also am I missing something in my understanding that Eric has never been in a relationship before? I feel like the plot just thickened.

One on One: Rodeo Drive

Well we didn't even see anyone read the date card, but Anthony is ready to meet Rachel at the Rodeo. I feel like this date isn’t going to go well. Remember the Beverly Hills date that Sean Lowe had with that girl… what was her name? Leslie? It didn’t go well. Who is that poor rodeo dude bringing Rachel and Anthony and the horses into West? What kind of insurance did they possibly have to have to do to do this?? What a bummer that Anthony is on this date. He is such a snooze. I wonder what legality requires them to blur the equestrian fecal matter? Watching this date, I think I realize how bored Johnny must've been during every episode of Ben Higgins, because I am whining as vocally about my dissatisfaction with Anthony as Johnny did about Ben....
This date is giving me shades of Derek and JoJo and Jillian and Farmer Chris - remember when Jillian won that bridal obstacle course and she went on that awkward one on one date with Chris for like, fifteen minutes before he sent her home? Mercy. AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN SEND ANTHONY HOME!!

So glad they can have grocery store jazz up on this hillside. Seriously why did she give him a rose? Who even cares anymore?

Group Date: Mud Wrestling
Brady, Dean, Ab, (some dude named Ab? Update: Adam) Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, Eric.

Eric is giving me first one on one date anxiety – where you get the first one on one date then you get really anxious about how things are going with the lead (see Ashley on Brad’s second season, or Frank on Ali’s season)

...But Eric has hardly had any one on one time with her. 

...Or even a girlfriend, apparently. 

This is nuts that they are bringing the girls on the bus with the guys. THEY ARE SOWING THE SEED FOR BACHELOR IN PARADISE AND THAT IS BOLD. I wouldn’t want Corinne to touch my man with a 29 ½ pole, mercy.

Pretty Boy Pit Buill is READY for this date. After he BARKED at the camera, Katie looked at me and said “He just did that. That just happened”

Ross asked, “What kind of wrestler are we talking about with this guy?” and I said “Whatever the not admirable one is. Like, I don't think he did WWE." (But what do I know?)

The ring leader… what do we call her? She is quintessential to this whole thing and I love it. What is the term for the person who rings the bell? Ring master? I feel like we're so far down the rabbit hole with this episode that I can't possibly be held accountable for knowing the proper term for a wrestling MC, but this woman is par for the course.


The final is Bryce vs. Kenny… Bryce needs to go back to Rivendale. (not Riverdale. Rivendale. You heard me) I'm bummed that Kenny didn't pull through, but so glad he felt comfortable enough to tell her he worked at Chip 'n Dale's. Chippin Dale? Chippin Dales? Shows you how many times I've been to Vegas...

STOP CALLING THEM YOUR GIRLS, RACHEL.
LAUREN: We know they’re not your friends.
Rose Ceremony:
I don’t even understand what happened in this exchange with Lee and Eric. Why is Eric raising his voice so loud? Don't get me wrong - I'm told that sometimes I yell in restaurants. Seriously, Big Daddy very routinely tells me to keep my voice down. I tell him it's all my fabulous stage training in projection. I should probably get my ears checked. But Eric is more intense than "get-your-ears-checked-cause-you're-projecting-at-Applebees" loud.

RACHEL: I wanted it to be deeper with the guys.
KATIE: Deeper than mud wrestling?

Again, the Eric and Iggy exchange… What is happening??

A very sage voice of reason in my life pointed out: “Iggy is like Sean Spicer trying to explain a Trump tweet. It just ain’t gonna happen.” And by “sage voice of reason” I mean “my brother.” Sometimes I’ll send Davey screenshots of my conversations with dudes and he’ll be like, “Well that’s nice, it just means Im’ma have to pull out the BB gun that’s in Mom and Dad’s closet if you try to bring this schmuck home at Thanksgiving..." if anyone can comment on dude behavior, it’s Davey. He also points out that in addition to unnecessarily inserting himself all over the place, Iggy's strange hair part can be seen from SPACE and he’s not wrong. Iggy is just so overproduced, but I’m obviously here for it. The producers have told him that the guys really need to hear from him, and so for whatever reason, he has inserted himself in not one, but TWO conversations and given unsolicited advice. And you know what they say about unsolicited advice? IT’S CRITICISM. (For more on this, you’ll have to refer to the chapter of my memoir where I detail the week that I spent at a rehab facility in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I am 110% not joking. It’ll be a worthwhile memoir, trust me,) 

I don't know why they're doing this "To Be Continued" garbage, but I'll try to get to the bottom of it. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...





Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Husbands and Health Insurance

You guys know how I feel about the second episode. It is a wealth of good TV. They're still in Los Angeles so the group dates are really specific and strangely niche (see: scientists testing Ben Higgins' pheromones, or a museum of broken relationships) and there are still plenty of crazy dudes around so we get a lot of amazing soundbites. (See: WABOOM

A few announcements:
1) Still waiting on Jim Comey's testimony. Stoked. 
2) Oh, I cut off over 12 inches of my hair on a whim and I feel GREAT about it. I would encourage everyone to do the same. 
3) Did the Preds win the Stanley cup or no? #SportzGamez

The evening began with a phone call from esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Katie Bocksel. You might recognize her name from being the first one that is tagged in the Facebook post each week. She’s very famous. She also has a boyfriend who is Boyfriend of the Year. He is so invested in The Bachelor franchise in the most devoted way and he is here for ALL the right reasons. I told him that I would send him a medal for this prestigious award. I still have yet to make that medal. But I’m announcing it here to keep me accountable. This Bud's for you, Patrick.

Katie informed me that not only was WaBoom pretty mellow on the date, but she said that the basketball group date was a LOT and I needed to be prepared for it. 
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So glad Rachel’s dog can help her get ready. But seriously are we gonna get an explanation about his gimp condition? AMERICA WANTS ANSWERS. (This Living Room does, anyway) I wonder how much extra they had to shell out to allow Copper to stay at this Westlake Hotel cause he looks like he is a SHEDDER. 

Meanwhile, back on the farm, Hare explains the layout of the week to the men. As if no one has ever seen this show before. As if none of these men even own TVs. DeMario talks about how nice Rachel smells… What is this, a camp cabin time?

Group Date: Husband Material
 Dean, Jack, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Jamey, Fred, Lucas 

In the house, the dudes seem to be into the Waboom thing, honestly. I don't know why they're giving that guy the time of day. Which mostly reminds me of why I love dudes. You guys remember the bus of dudes on that group date with JoJo where they were freestyle rapping? Dudes are the greatest. 

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Rachel is 100% not grilling ANYTHING on this grill right now. Craft Services is probably real upset that they aren't getting credit. I don’t understand why Westlake Village is sponsoring the Bachelorette this season, but I’m here for it. 

Blake is not having any of WaBoom right now. And I’m really not having any of the fact that WaBoom has covered his ENTIRE face in orange foundation.

Carolyn’s and my reaction to seeing Ashton Kutcher is like the girls seeing the Backstreet Boys last season. THIS MAN IS AGING LIKE A FINE WINE and is an inspiration to Dads everywhere. 

This baby/husbandry obstacle course is everything. This is a masterpiece of production. The producers outdit themselves on this one. THE HAIR ROPE WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING,

So glad that Mila is interested in men that have jobs and health insurance. Did I tell you guys that I proposed to the Kroger pharmacist last week, just for his healthcare? I was picking up a prescription for my Mom and pulled out my card and he says, "Oh, it's free." And I was like, "That's because they've already met their deductible because they're not young single women." And he was like, "Well that's a benefit to being married, I guess." And I said, "That, credit card points, and getting through all your groceries are my top three reasons to be talked into matrimony. I can't go through a thing of green onions by myself before they go bad!" He goes, "Me neither!" I responded, "Will you marry me? Jk don't worry, I won't make you do that, I don't live here. Can I buy these sugar cookies at this counter though? Thanks!" 

Totally kidding. No one asks me this. 

I love how seriously Mila explains “WaBoom” to Ashton. THEY ARE PROOF THAT TRUE LOVE IS REAL. WaBoom proceeds to win the obstacle course. I don't think anyone saw that coming. And honestly if I were Rachel, I'd be like, "Cool, but you ignored the rules of engagement. You don't get a medal." SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME INTEGRITY UP IN HERE.  

Rachel and WaBoom’s chemistry is worse than my chemistry with gluten free bagels... And I am so unmoved by poetry, honestly. Wait – just poetry on this show. We have NEVER heard a good poem on this show. Never once. I don't know how the Bachelorette manages to get emotional every time about some sloppy words! JoJo loved the bad poems. It's so weird. 

I also love that WaBoom can’t differentiate between WaBoom and Lucas. Very Lady Gaga of him.

Look, I'm not going to lie, I kind of really love Fred. She should give him a chance!!

Y'all Iggy is so sweaty!!! Why didn’t a PA dab off that sweat? MERCY. 

Rachel's lipstick job is a dead giveaway that she has clearly sucked face with someone by the time she's talking to Blake, but we don’t know who it is… My money is on Dean.

OMG BLAKE IS TELLING WABOOM THAT HE TOLD RACHEL HE’S HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS! He has done it so immediately after talking to Rachel! This is kind of unprecedented. Usually it comes up a few episodes later, but Blake is putting it all out there. 
Spoiler alert: they're not showing hearts... 

Y’all Dean, is so cute. Apparently he wasn’t the one with whom she has sucked face, so who is it?!?!
Ohhh we see Kenny go back to her and we are at pre-face suck… What is going on, you guys???
OH IT WAS DEAN, POST ROSE. OH HE HAS LIPSTICK EVERYWHERE. But that still doesn't explain why her lipstick was smeared earlier? I NEED SOME CHRONOLOGY UP IN HERE. 

One on One: Peter
Let me kick off this date by saying that I got one text from Gran this evening. It said “Hello, Peter.” Like Mother, like daughter. Peter looks like Dean’s older brother and I’m here for it.



BARKFESSSSTTTTT!!!! Get me there IMMEDIATELY. You know who loves dogs? Big Daddy. I’m just joking. He tells me how Catie pees on the rug like, everyday. But they’re still besties.

Also product placement for Curtis Sittenfeld's "Eligible"  

Sidenote: Did you guys see that commercial for the University of Phoenix? Some intense CGI thing set to an acoustic version of the Cranberries? That was crazy. Moving on. 

OMG LOOK AT PETER AND THAT DOUBLE BREASTED BLAZER I AM SLAIN PETER WILL YOU MARRY ME. Johnny Langan isn’t here tonight but he would be seriously holding a candle to my backside, ROASTING me for being so obsessed with Peter. (update: He texted me as he watched this morning and said "I caught about 12 seconds of that snoozefest one on one date") 

Also Copper must be very exhausted – what are her union rules on this shoot? And she LOVES Peter (you see her lying by his side at the dinner table?) and I’m here for her dog sense about him.

Look, between these gap teeth and Rachel and Peter both seeing a therapist in the same year… is it possible that they’re not soulmates but siblings separated at birth? Can we look into that?  (One time there was a couple that got married, only to find out they were brother and sister. I’m not lying. Google it)

Group Date: Swish
Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario

The way that we’re seeing this footage of DeMario talking about how he has what it takes and he’s confident like Derek Jeter… He must be the one with the girlfriend.

Clearly Rachel is NOT a good shot because we never see a continuous take of her making a basket. Just taking a shot, and then we cut to the ball going in the hoop, an obvious shot by a PA. Probably the same PA that had to jam a hair rope down a freestanding sink for the Husbandry Obstacle Course. 

Let me be clear: Big Daddy is pretty tall. He’s almost 6’6”. However, Kareem Abdul Jabbar puts Big Daddy to SHAME. I’d honestly really like to see KAJ in a game of Gotcha with Jim Comey. 

Mila and Ashton coming on the show and making everything about love is one thing. BUT KAREEM MAKING BASKETBALL ABOUT LOVE IS NEXT LEVEL.

I love this crowd of high schoolers. And I love that Chris Harrison has turned into a professional wrestling commentator as he introduces "Raaaaachel Lindsaaaaay." 

Not only is Lee not good at basketball, he is looking puffy AF. So I think he’s just drinking… all the things. And not water. I think that's why we got some weird soundbites from him in the mansion earlier. And I bet they're setting us up for when he says some really outlandish stuff next week (or is it the week after? Looks like he gets into it with Eric) 

Loved that one shot of the marching band kid. I wanna see more of him. I also love how willing Rachel is to get into everything. The Bark Fest, the Marching Band, the Cheerleaders. I’m here for it.

I keep thinking I like Will and then I remember he did that Steve Urkel thing to which I will quote Fitzwilliam Darcy: "My good opinion once lost is lost forever." 

DeMario's ex-girlfriend is one of the greatest things to ever hit this show. I love how she was SO ready to deliver her karma line and get her fifteen seconds of fame. You go, Glen Coco. Drop your bombshell line, girl. Get your 500 new Instagram followers. Keep it up.

We had to rewind that moment where DeMario saw her EIGHT times. It is so good. "Whoa, whoa, who's this?" 
This was some GREAT TV

DeMario having his arms crossed during this whole conversation is NOT boding well. I mean, this ex-girlfriend DOES seem way crazier than that girlfriend who came on Dez’s season to come after… Bryan? Wasn’t it a girl who had a son named Brady? Hold please – I feel like I titled a blog post about him. DONOVAN. His name was Donovan. I was close. 

The girlfriend's timeline vs. DeMario's timeline vs. Rachel's questions... none of it made any sense. I do want to point out that if this had been one of the backseat guys like Lee or someone, Rachel wouldn't be that upset. But because it was a dude who she had kind of been talking about ALL DAY, and let herself be vulnerable about, I bet it hit harder than she cared to admit. 

MOVING ON. 

I love that they shut down Clifton’s for the night, after the basketball game. Has anyone been there? It is so cool. It used to be a food court for all the businesses downtown and now it’s just a really cool bar. (I don’t know bars in downtown LA, I don’t know why I happen to know that one. I’m just not that trendy)

Why is she sitting on the opposite end of the couch from that guy? What is his name, even? (Update: Jamey. I don't know why his name is spelled that way and I'm not into it) 

The end of this day was SUCH an opportunity for a guy to swoop in and play the savior. Remember when JP came to Ashley’s rescue after Bentley left? THIS IS AN IMPORTANT TIME, YOU GUYS.

   
ROSE CEREMONY:

Look, I’m all about a good massage and a good chiropractic appointment, but not in an evening gown and not with a face down. It's gonna leave such a mark on her face!! Mercy. 

I love that they call that guy Paulie, who was the security guy they brought out for Chad. This guy is excellent. Now DeMario is telling Harrison that his character has been assassinated. I love everything. 

Ohhhhh they're doing that thing where the rose ceremony comes at the beginning of the episode. I wonder why. I'll try and get to the bottom of it. So excited for the guys to confront DeMario at the top of the next episode. Also real excited for DeMario on the Men Tell All. 

In the meantime... if you're a bird, I'm a bird.




Monday, May 22, 2017

Let the Circus Begin....

Look, first things first: I'm still hung up about Nick and Vanessa's AFTR. They were more awkward than Emily and Brad and I refuse to be over it.

Also HELLO I AM MOVING TO DENVER BECAUSE BEN HIGGINS IS SINGLE, YOU GUYS. Seriously WHERE do I sign up.

For those of you that don't follow me on Instagram (I'm not peddling Fab Fit Fun boxes, don't worry) but you should check out my story before it disappears forever... Got some solid commentary from Big Daddy tonight.

Since I run everything like it’s a church service, let’s start with some announcements:

1) I’m watching from home this week – home in the heartland. Gran had a knee replacement so I came to help her convalesce. (ie: buy rich people guac from Whole Foods and watch NCIS: Los Angeles with her. Seriously – we’ve watched so many episodes.)

2) Saturday night was Bobby Moynihan’s last episode of SNL. So it was the final Drunk Uncle on Weekend Update. My feelings about it are as follows:

Gone but not forgotten. 

3) Anyone else as excited about Jim Comey’s upcoming testimony as I am?
Living for it.

4) Quick shout out about the latest new name for Bachelor in Paradise – y’all know my friend Kimberly that I sometimes rave about on here? Her mom, Barbara, was in town a few weeks ago and naturally she and I were discussing Nick Viall and Barbara goes “I mean Nick has been on so many shows! He was on Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelorette, The Bachelorette again, and then that show… Everybody In the Pool… So many shows!” Kimberly and I said… “Do you mean Bachelor in Paradise?” And she said “Well whatever it’s called, where they get everyone drunk and put them in the pool!”

….Touché.

INTRO:

We are greeted on the freshly watered driveway of the Bachelor Mansion, as Hare tells us that we’ve never seen an outpouring of love like they did for Rachel Lindsay… OMG HER STAGED COURT APPEARANCE IS SO BAD WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING. Delighted that Rachel got to bring her pup along for this ride. But what is going on with this cast on his leg? I love that she feels like she’s in the movie Clueless… while she’s driving a Tesla.

Cher had never heard of Nikola Tesla. 
Guy Intros:
Wrestler Kenny
Texas Attorney
Meathead Alex
Start Up Mohit – I feel GREAT about his Bollywood dancing.
Lucas Waboom – STAHP. (the producers must love this guy)
Personal Trainer Blake – so much sex!
Chicago Diggy – I hope to one day own as many Vibrams as he owns sneakers.

Prosecutor Josiah – When he goes “My name is Josiah, I’m a prosecutor…” Gran burst out laughing and goes “I thought he was gonna say ‘I’m a prostitute.’” 

At the Bachelor mansion, we see all of the girls who we needed to be reminded of before Everybody In the Pool this summer, Raven cries. Astrid really wants America to remember her. They won't. Sorry, 'Trid. 

GRAN: There's so much alcohol at these things!
GRACE: How else do you think they get a dude to run around with a bullhorn? 

Limo Exits:
- Peter: Whoaaaaa I LOVE Peter. He is SMOOOOOTH. 
- Josiah: nice blazer, brah. Came out with a legal joke. Not necessary. 
- Bryan: Bryan comes from Corinne's neck of the woods. Maybe they can shop for expensive clothes together. 
- Kenny: Oh I kind of liked his intro with the dance move. Charming. 
- Rob: Law student. Gran is really worried that he is taking time off of law school to do the show... 
- Iggy: Iggy was not wearing socks. 
- Bryce: Fire fighter. 
- Will: Steve Urkel - DON'T
- Diggy wants to teach her how to Diggy. DON'T
- Kyle - food in a basket? 
- Blake K - Thank you for your service, Blake. 
- Brady - male model. just had to "break the ice." Even Big Daddy wasn't into it:

He said they're all tools. 

- Dean: "once you go black-" DON'T
- Eric - Big Daddy didn't like the dancing 
- DeMario - still got those tickets in his coat pocket. He thinks he's going all the way. 
- Sex Guy Blake brought a marching band. And he loves sex. And he loves telling you how much he loves it. And he has bad puns. 

At this point, during a commercial, I finally allowed Granny and Big Daddy to speak. They are under strict orders not to speak during the show because I have to catch every word. I had to explain to BD what "Once you go black, you never go back" meant... It went about as well as you would think. 

-Fred: kind of love this dude that went to school with her. 
- Jonathan: his career is "Tickle Monster." Oy vey. 
- Lee: Lee has clearly never held a guitar in his life. (also obligatory shout out to my favorite guy from Ashley Herbert's season who came in playing the guitar, threw it in the pool and said "Just kidding, I totally don't play guitar..." She eliminated him that night! Whatta loss) 
- Alex: Alex had a vacum and I don't even know what he said. 
- I didn't get Polaroid guy's name. But I noticed that he shook Peter's hand and Peter is my favorite. 
- Adam: Brought Adam Jr. Coulda done without that. 
- Matt: Matt came out in a penguin suit and at that point, Big Daddy walked out of the room and put himself to bed. 
- Ambulance Guy: No.
-  Anthony: Wants to understand her? 
- Jamey: Just told her how ridiculous her dress was? 
- Jack Stone... is that a package deal on the name? 
- Jedidiah - ...is bringing out the Biblical references. 
- Michael: something poorly executed about a brownie? 
- Lucas: the only thing I have to say is that Rachel handled this guy like a CHAMPION. Also wonderful sidenote about the fact that I'm pretty sure that even this dude himself isn't sure of his brand. Like, Courtney Roberts knew she was the sultry villain on Ben Flajnik's season. Corinne was the ditzy, slutty villian last season... But what IS this guy? It's not even like "WaBoom" is a protein powder or something he can sell or anything (although there ARE t-shirts) and even though he was talked about on the radio and the late night circuits, it doesn't seem like he has much staying power if he's not actually selling anything. Stay tuned. 

I don't hate Josiah. Dean wants to build a sand castle with Rachel and I'm bored. But my first crush was named Dean, so I'm here for it. 

Can I just take a moment to mention all the smells that must plague The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in the premiere? Like, you're looking at an overload of perfume and aftershave, because everyone wants to make a memorable first impression, Then you get sweaty people because nerves are running high, which means that if someone doesn't smell so great, you will KNOW.  

I like Bryan. I don't know why Rachel has her arms crossed right now in this conversation with him. OHHHHH HE WENT IN FOR THE KISS! Preemptive, Bryan!!! Goodness. 

I love that Rachel was warned about DeMario but she's like, "Yeah, nah, I'm gonna decide for myself, no thanks." Also the dudes have now formed a LINE to talk to her. And now she's talking to Peter and Waboom is distracting them. And now Blake is already ready to call out Waboom. I don't care how crazy Waboom is, Blake is by far and away the WORST dude of this episode. 

First Impression Rose went to Miami Kisser Bryan. Meh. 

Roses went to: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, , Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake, Lucas. 

Roses didn't go to... The law student, Mohit, Kyle, Blake, Milton and... some others? 

Oh also the Preds are going to the Stanley Cup. And as Donald Trump's nominee for Secretary of the Sports Games, I should probably be more enthused. 

Honestly if I lived in Nashville, I'd start a podcast where I'd make Big Daddy watch the show and then just get his opinion on all the guys. Especially because "Southern Baby Boomers" is a demographic that doesn't usually comment on this franchise. So excited for this season. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird....