Tomorrow will be difficult. I don’t know what else to say. Except: BYE!

First thoughts: OMG I’M SO GLAD TO SEE DEAN ON MY SCREEN AGAIN.


I love that we’re hearing from Matt for the FIRST TIME THIS ENTIRE SEASON. He and Adam HAVE to know why they’re here. They are there for the explicit purpose of being easy to send home. That is IT. ChiroBryro gets ANOTHER one on one date… Adam and Matt still haven’t had one on one dates.

Now is obviously my favorite time to bring up that ONE RANDOM DUDE from Ali Fedotowsky's season... David? We genuinely DID NOT hear him speak until the episode before hometowns in like, Reykjavik when he was sent home.

I'm about to look this dude up on Spokeo

At least Adam had Adam Jr. as a point of reference, but SHEESH these two got ZERO airtime. Hopefully they have better luck in Paradise.

One on One: ChiroBryro:

I really don’t care that they’re driving this stupid car around Switzerland. Take me to the site of the Geneva Convention, that’s all I care about. This stupid Bentley reminds me of how they gave Dez a baby blue Bentley on her season and it was SO. STUPID. I hate cars and cannot be bothered. (Except shoutout to my favorite guy, Rodger the Prius, because he is bae. All other cars are a waste of time.) Show me that you have a copy of the 1623 First Folio - THEN I'll be impressed. Mercy.


The only reason I’ve heard of this watch place is because I have to drive through the Watch District to get to Carolyn’s house every Monday. And by “Watch District,” I mean that for a stretch of three or four miles on Pico Blvd, there are ONLY billboards for luxury watches. Including Breitbart, here. Wait what is it, Breitling? I 🍩 CARE.


RACHEL IS NOT BUYING THE WATCH, BREITLING IS DONATING THE WATCH FOR PRODUCT PLACEMENT GET OUT OF TOWN WITH YOUR LIES, RACH.

I love that they set up Matt and Adam to talk on the balcony about how they haven’t had one on ones dates. Are they mortified as they watch this, seeing what kind of pawns they were? One has to wonder...

AND NOW LISTEN TO MY MAN DEAN SPITTING TRUTH ABOUT BRYAN’S WOMANIZING WAYS.

Ok is it just me, or is Rachel going HEAVY on the hand jewelry this season? Which is a lot for me to say because I’ve been stacking as many rings on my fingers for as long as I can remember but there is just SO much metal happening on her hands. It’s pretty much the only thing I have to think about on this date because they’re JUST making out and talking about luxury things that 🍩 move me.


That is a FULL glass of wine that Rachel is working with, at the dinner table right now.


I appreciate that Bryro went to an all boy’s school. I don’t appreciate that he asked Rachel for specifics about her school uniform. I am liking this symphony that is playing for them. But honestly, I low-key miss Josh Rachet, from Juan Pablo’s season…

Rachel says Bryan “brings out the best in her,” and that is because he LITERALLY SUCKS IT OUT OF HER, mercy!!

One on One: 
Dean Don't-Punch-Me-In-The-Face Unglert


Dean asks Rachel “is ths Sunday best?” EVERYTHING YOU DO IS SUNDAY BEST, DEAN.


You guys… Dean’s smile is… I don’t even know how to describe it. White Oleander? It has to be poisonous, right? BUT IT IS SO PRETTY. I don’t know why I said it could be poisonous. I don’t mean that. I take it back, Dean, MARRY ME. I have zero problems with this date being an outing to church. Wish they didn’t have to make conversation with people who don’t speak English, but whatever.


WHY ARE ERIC AND PETER SITTING ON THE BALCONY SAYING UNCOUTH THINGS ABOUT DEAN?!?!?! This is blasphemy.

YOU BOYS BETTER LOOK OUT.

Also why is Dean so nervous on this date?! He is imploding right now before our very eyes and I don’t understand what’s happening. Meanwhile, Matt is ruminating on the fact that Dean is “set in his ways” as a guy in his twenties… Is it 25 year olds that are set in their ways or 37 year old chiropractors? Remind me… I have no qualms about the fact that Dean asked Rachel what her favorite dinosaur was, I can definitely get behind that question. Thank goodness she finally got to the bottom of it at dinner tonight, but I wish that Rachel had asked him “WHAT’S WRONG” so much earlier in the day. Kind of stoked to see what on earth his family could possibly be like. What does he mean when he says his dad is "eccentric?" (Update: judging by the previews, that means EVERYTHING and I cannot wait) Take me home to your eccentric Dad, Deanie Babies, I won't judge.

One On One: Peter

Rachel and Peter are going to the Alps… and it greatly reminds me of Sean’s Giant Snowbus aka one of my favorite dates in Bachelor history. Seriously I looked at Carolyn and said, “What does this date remind me of?” And she goes “Sean’s Giant Snowbus!” Then we high fived.

NEVER FORGET

THEY ARE SO COLD ON THIS DATE IT IS WORSE THAN THE REVENANT ARE THEY GOING TO SLEEP INSIDE A DEAD HORSE?

(I actually asked this outloud and Bryan goes “Yes, Grace. They are. Don’t ruin it for everyone else.”)


Peter told Rachel some stuff about his last girlfriend… I was half listening cause I was reading this terrifying article about global warming, it’s fiiiiiine:
http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2017/07/climate-change-earth-too-hot-for-humans.html


Three on One:

Obviously the producers have been feeding Adam some LINES because he just told us that he has a stronger relationship than any of the guys in the house....

YIKES

CAROLYN: She is wearing a CROP TOP. It is SNOWING.

I think Eric’s date was on the Tuesday episode last time and I just need to remark that seriously NO ONE has ever made such a strong comeback in Bachelor history, EVER. The rate at which he was able to get out of his head and pull it together was ASTONISHING. And now he just wants to be her shoulder to lean on. He is a Bachelor prodigy. Whatta legend.

Meanwhile Adam is ABSOLUTELY deranged. He is feeling confident and at peace and we all know what THAT means.

And now Matt is telling Rachel that he loves having seen her evolve over the past 8 to 10… months? Huh? Ohhh she’s already crying.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

That was also strangely the longest goodbye kiss we’ve seen in Bachelor history. Interested to see if he's perked up at all by the Men Tell All.

Obviously they had to cut for time, so we didn’t see Rachel have time with Adam during the day, nor did we see her tell the dudes that she had just sent Matt home, but whatever. This date is already long AF.

Adam is spitting some serious game as he talks to Rachel, but we all know that she’s giving the rose to Eric! Was ANYONE thinking otherwise?? Mercy.

Ok. We're now down to four. I am SO excited for Dean's hometown next week, it's kind of unreal.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...