Monday, June 26, 2017

Tides of Realness

Announcements:

1) BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK ON ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD I AM SLEEPING SO MUCH BETTER AT NIGHT. Lack of punctuation intended to indicate stakes. 
1a) There's apparently a three part interview with DeMario happening sometime this week. I learned that when I went to yahoo.com to try to login to my yahoo email account. Couldn't guess my password. Gave up. But excited about that interview. 
2) I watched live at home tonight with my roommate Adrienne because Carolyn and Johnny are literally too famous to function - they were at a MOVIE PREMIERE for a film that Carolyn's company did. Everything famous that's ever happened is those two. 
3) I won't get to tomorrow night's episode til probably Thursday - I have dinner plans with two of my favorite ladies tomorrow that I sternly refuse to reschedule. 


THAT BEING SAID:

We open with Eric being too drunk to even fully open his eyes. Then Chiro Bryro tells Rachel some math equation about how they’re perfect for one another and I’m annoyed by him. WE JUST SAW SO MUCH OF HIS TONGUE WHILE THEY MADE OUT OH MY WORD.

I really appreciate how Will said something to the effect of “I don’t care about Lee and Kenny, unless someone is throwing punches.
....That said, I will go and watch.”

I think that’s my entire life summed up in two sentences.

Here’s the thing that Kenny and Lee need to do: have this discussion in front of Rachel. THAT is how they could solve this. I’m not saying I’m King Solomon (remember when those two women with the baby came to him and he was like “I know how to settle this”) BUT I KNOW HOW TO SETTLE THIS. If they hashed it out in front of Rachel it would go so differently. Especially because she's an attorney. Now Lee is walking away from the conversation, a definite giveaway that he has lost the argument. Good, cause I was tired of listening to them talk over one another. They were worse than political pundits on Meet the Press.

Group rose is going to Chiro Bryro, I’m calling it right n- oh, look. It did.  As his twin, Alex, stands behind him. Ouch. And then Rachel just slinks out. Kenny congratulates Bryan, implying that this is a contest, and then he... whispers at Lee.


One on One date: Jack
Oh my gosh this date with Jack is PAINNNN FULLLLL. Y’all what is even happening!!!??? This is disastrous. Why... is Jack... the way that he is?? No hot sauce on my oyster, please. Jack is every uncomfortable quality that a man could possibly have, rolled into one. 

Ok here's my one insight about Jack - You KNOW that Jack is every girl's friend. You know that every girl he’s ever known has told him that he’s a "great catch" and is "totally the marrying type".... but they won’t go on a date with him. BECAUSE HE IS THE CREEPIEST MAN ALIVE!! 

These background Shaggin Dancers are so excited to be featured on this show, though. 
Live your best life, shaggers. 


OH MY GOSH SHE JUST GAVE HIM A PECK AND THEN TOLD HIM SHE WAS SICK WHAT HIS HAPPENING I AM DYING OVER THIS.

And why does Jack keep giving her this serial killer look?!!? I didn't even have to wait for this moment. I just pointed my camera, snapped a picture and it was his serial killer face because he was hardly ever NOT making that face. And yes, that's how many cords it takes to run the TV to an antenna through a converter box because I insist on living no later than the year 1994. 





There seriously hasn’t been a date this bad since that guy Doug that Emily Maynard had to send home mid-group date after he tried to kiss her. I am locked in the fetal position and have no plans to get out of it any time soon.

I love how Rachel takes everything he says so literally – like when he told her he "couldn’t focus during the dancing," she looked at him like, "Oh so you have ADD?" Or how he was "shocked the first time he spoke to her," she looked like she was ready to ask, "Oh, did they tell you the Bachelorette was gonna be white?" She can't even enter onto a joking level with him because she is SO repulsed by him. 

Aaaaaand the first thing Jack would do back in Dallas is… lock the door. MERCY!! Rachel had a weird soundbite about that, saying how it showed her what kind of man he was, when there are plenty of things they could be doing around Dallas. I would argue that it isn't so telling that he wants to "go to Dallas and lock the door," but that he wants to do that and she doesn't feel good about it. Because I can guarantee that if Peter or ChiroBryro said that, she'd be all about it. 

WHY DIDN’T WE GET AN EXIT INTERVIEW FROM HIM?! I really hope he's on BIP. Full disclosure: I somehow found myself combing DEEP into Taylor’s Instagram comments (Mental Health Counselor Taylor who got into it with Corinne – remember her?) and she and Danielle M from last season were calling out some trolls, and then Jack jumped in on the fun… Probably because none of them have jobs and sit around on Instagram all day... It was several days ago before BIP resumed filming, so who KNOWS what will happen down there. Also I will never NOT endorse going deep into someone’s Instagram comments. It’s worth it every time. 

Can't stop. Won't stop. 


Whoa, Will is spitting some truth at Lee right now about what’s going on with Kenny. Lee isn’t having it. Guys, Will is growing on me something FIERCE. (EvenThoughHeDressedUpAsUrkel)

Rose Ceremony:
Adam and Iggy clearly missed the dark suit memo, but I’ll let it slide. I can’t believe they made Kenny and Lee stand beside each other but I’m obviously here for it.

Roses went to: Eric, Peter, Adam, Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and… Lee.

Wait what did Lee say about Kenny? A phrase that they use down south? I missed it. And I’m watching live so I can’t rewind!

I’m glad Iggy has support from his dudes. They seem to really like Iggy. Ok I really didn’t hate Jonathan's“one for the road” moment. It was definitely the most self-aware he's been all season and I’ve got time for that. Didn’t need to see his “tickle hands,” though. Woof.

Iggy is crying and saying that he has learned more about himself in the past four weeks than he has in thirty years. Can someone PLEASE explain to me how this show "teaches you about yourself?" Because I don’t understand how it does anything but make you miserable and insane… (and very TV worthy)

MOVING ON. Norway:

Glad that Rachel got a copy of the Norwegian Welcome Packet so she could read us the amenities that Norway has to offer. She couldn't have been any less excited about it.

RACHEL: This is real. I’m trying to find a husband.
ADRIENNE: WELL AREN’T WE ALL.

Rachel says that when you travel with someone, you really get to know them… Rachel, that’s when you’re stuck in a car with someone for seven hours. THAT’S how you get to know someone. Not when you fly cheap Norw-air while production makes it look like a chartered plane touched down on that runway just now... (No, "Norw-air" isn't a thing, but I should probably make it one.)

One on One: ChiroBryro

Dean thinks Bryan is going to go home… I respect Dean, but I think his barometer is a bit off on that one.

Rachel informs ChiroBryro that they are going to repel down off a huge ski jump. Cool. Scared of heights, scared to open up to love, blah blahhh.

Did I tell you guys that we’re doing the Sky Slide this weekend? It’s at the US Bank Building… You know, the slide that’s 70 stories up in the air that Nick and Vanessa DIDN’T do when they dined on top of the US Bank building. (Seriously why else would you POSSIBLY go to the US Bank building?)

WHY IS RACHEL RAPPELLING THIS IN HEELS? Sara Jung, may we please get an official statement from Rock Climbers of America about how this is a bad idea? (No, Rock Climbers of America isn't a thing - well, as far as I know it's not - but I should really make that one a thing)

Ok they’re a little bit charming together. I’m not mad. But I could definitely do without the smacking during their kisses.

I support the conversation that Rachel and Bryan are having at dinner right now. Super vulnerable. But when are we going to get to the fact that it’s crazy that he is still single?

Chiro Bryro told her that he’s falling in love with her and he has had NO MORE than eight total hours of conversation with her. No joke. God bless America and God bless reality TV.


GROUP DATE:
 
Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah

These outfits are dumb. They’re not even funny, Is Matt on this date? Can’t even tell.

I strangely love that Will played hand ball at summer camp growing up. I'm seriously thinking about tweeting incessantly at Will and making him meet me at the Venice Gold's Gym when he's in town for the Men Tell All. Any thoughts on that?

Peter has a GREAT attitude about this and is using his time on the court SO wisely.

Why is Dean wearing a jock strap on the outside of his jersey? Mad protection of the family jewels? Adrienne and I can’t figure it out but aren't ready to quit giggling about it.

I CAN’T BELIEVE RACHEL AND PETER GOT IN THE HOT TUB ON THE GROUP DATE! WHAAAAAT. That's honestly... kind of rude. Like, I believe the dudes when they said "Well here he is three hours later" when Peter finally emerged... Shout out to the Production Assistant who got to blow dry his hair and comb their fingers through those silky silver fox waves...

Group date rose went to Will. Peter obviously didn’t get it because she feels like he doesn’t need any affirmation DUH.

Two on One Date:


It always amuses me how people talk about preparation for these dates saying things like, “I’m calm, I’m focused,” like it’s an actual marathon. The proper response would be “I’m excited to spend time with Rachel!” Come on, dudes.

It’s also entertaining that the people that get sent on the two on one dates… have no physical connection with the lead. Remember Corinne and Taylor? (Don't tell me Nick and Corinne had physical chemistry) Or Alex and Mad Chad? Or Olivia and one of the Twins? Zero. Physical. Connection.

Is it just me or does Lee look… puffy? Like he had one too many drinks last night? Is that just me?

WHOA LEE IS LAYING DOWN A SCENE, HERE. Mercy. I can’t wait for VanGate to come up at the Men Tell All

Ok I'm no lawyer, but I DO want to explain some logistics, here. I'm not defending either party, but I have found that I am a VIGOROUS defender of clear communication, and I want to point out what happened, here with VanGate: 

Lee told Rachel something to the effect of "Kenny got really aggressive with me, he wanted to pull me out of the van one night... He showed up and said "Is Lee in there?!" 

Interestingly, Lee made no mention of Kenny actually laying a hand on him. Kenny probably said "Is Lee in there?" so he would know to ride in the other van. But because Lee set up his statement with "Kenny wanted to pull me out of the van," all Rachel heard was "Kenny attempted to pull me out of the van." 

Which Kenny obviously didn't do. I can't speak to the whole "Kenny said he has a dark side that comes out when he drinks," but in terms of VanGate, Lee pulled a REAL snaky move and IMPLIED a whole bunch of things. 

But I'm bummed that Rachel Lindsay, Doctor of Laws, didn't pick up on that. 

Very curious to see if she sends them both home. I feel like she doesn't, cause we have yet to see the instance where Kenny ends up with that blood on his face, which is obviously fake... SO MANY QUESTIONS. 

Until tomorrow, if you're a bird, I'm a bird.



Monday, June 19, 2017

You Continue to Be in the Sauce!!

Let’s start with the important things on the agenda:

- The Jim Comey testimony was everything I wanted and more. (Yes, I watched all three hours of it. And all two hours of Jeff Sessions’ testimony. I’ve been watching way too much C-SPAN lately -whatever, I’m turning into my grandmother and I’m ok with it) Props to Comey for phrases like, “No fuzz on that,” and his quoting of Henry II. Bless.

Zero Fuzz. 

- Y’all… This Bachelor in Paradise thing… I very genuinely feel like a mother of five who found out that month-long summer camp was cancelled. WHAT am I supposed to do with my summer?!?!?!?! I am so upset. I am REELING. But seriously – how crazy is that whole thing? From all angles?! Now ABC has to come up with FOUR hours of programming for the summer (two hours of BIP on Mondays, an hour on Tuesdays followed by the live after show) everyone in production and post production is now out of a job, not to mention that this whole thing throws the show onto the front lines of every political debate ever: victim blaming, slut shaming, feminism, late capitalism (I’m looking at you, Buck Curley) DeMario says they should release the tapes. I say release the Comey tapes first, but JK ROFL we all know those tapes don’t even exist.

Image result for what a time to be alive
RIP Harambe

We pick up tonight's episode with a reminder that Lee and Eric are crazy. Look, I don’t hate Eric yet, he just yells an awful lot. Rachel wants to leave them behind and to talk to Tickle Monster in the rainbow tie. HOW IS TICKLE MONSTER STILL HERE?! Mercy. It seems like Josiah is taking Eric’s side and I trust Josiah, but that’s probably based on my general affinity for lawyers. It also seems like Lee got a haircut about two months ago and it’s growing out in a weird way… Get that under control, buddy. Lee is also too drunk to count right now. Dean asserts that he thinks that Lee is a moron and I am feeling real sweet on Dean, so I’m gonna agree with pretty much anything he says. OMG WHY IS LEE TALKING ABOUT HIS GRANDFATHER AND THE KNIFE RIGHT NOW WHERE IS THIS GOING. The way that he scrawled “ENCHANTING” onto a two by four makes me question his literacy. But then again, the male model next to Dean doesn’t know the difference between “cork” and “quirk” and the fact that Dean can’t straighten this out either is emotionally upsetting to me. Final observation: I like Kenny’s purple button down, but I hate Alex’s purple zebra blazer.

OHHH DR. BRYAN COMING IN STRONG WITH THE VULNERABILITY JARGON. I really like Bryan, but he’s just old AF. Rachel is scared that Bryan is too good to be true and Bryan has nothing to say to that except more… too good to be true jargon. Bryan is spitting some major game tonight… Before spitting into Rachel’s mouth. I do like Rachel’s coat. NOW THE KENNY-LEE CONFRONTATION IS COMING, MY BODY IS READY.

Kenny’s calm demeanor going into this is exceptional. Dunno know why Diggy is lurking in the background, though. The editing on this is kind of poor. Their conversation doesn’t make sense. Rachel is equally troubled by it as she talks to the large-eared elven man that I’ve never seen. Oh wait. Didn’t I make a Rivendell joke last week about him? Who is this guy? Lee is now saying some more nonsensical things about tears and beers to the “corky” male model, THANK GOD PETER IS HERE NOW. Peter, take me away, cowboy. Find us a river we can skate away on. Just say you won't let go. (And any other song lyrics that are appropriate, here) To be honest, I don’t exactly have a handle on the pressures that Rachel is telling this producer that she's facing, but what I DO have a handle on is the fact that the camera got WAY too close to Tickle Monster’s face, just now.

The producer has called in the big guns for Rachel and Hare shows up, insisting that he can facilitate anything. Can he facilitate a new shirt for Dean? This Hawaiian thing needs to go. Breaking news- oh my gosh it isn’t just a terrible purple zebra blazer that Alex is wearing, it’s an entire SUIT. No wonder Rachel ended the cocktail party early.

Roses went to: Will, Dean, Tickle Monster, Peter, (I feel like this track of music indicates that Lee is going to stay) Adam, Bryan, Matt (who? Is this the same guy I was asking about last week?) Josiah, Jack (so far the only words we’ve heard from Jack are that he knows the difference between cork and quirk) Iggy, Kenny, and last and least: Lee.

Sucks that Rivendell guy got his time cut off because of Lee and he still hast to go home. At least Diggy has his shoe collection waiting for him.

South Carolina:

They made it look like the guys had a private plane to HH… That is very clearly not true. #Southwest #FlyTheFriendlySkies #OrSomethingLikeThat But I am loving the dudes racing golf carts right now because I love watching dudes doing things.

One On One: 

Dean

Y’ALL DEAN IS SO CUTE I CAN’T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW. The kind of cute where if he tried to talk to me I would genuinely just say nonsensical things. I really wish that I could hold him accountable for the shorts and pants he chose to wear on this date. And honestly he's young and poor enough that he's probably still wearing his high school wardrobe (oh, was that just me?)

Strange that Rachel thinks she can make Dean feel more reassured by driving the blimp herself. So glad that Dean is trying to find the seat belt before taking the reins himself. Dean is gonna fall hard for Rachel after this – you guys KNOW my statistics on dates with adrenaline. I love how Rachel thinks she’s a daredevil for... manning a completely piloted blimp.

The set-up of these moss trees reminds me of an EXCEPTIONAL show on CMT called “Sweet Home Alabama.” If you’ve never seen it, EDUCATE THYSELF and get back to me.

Dean starts dinner off with a vanilla “tell me about your upbringing.” And then replies that the foundation of his childhood was religion and… dirt bikes. Ok wait this story about his mom is devastating. Oh my GOODNESS. Dean passed Rachel’s expectations on this date. And mine. I have a lot more questions about what happened between 15 and 18 then 18 to 25, but meanwhile:




(Sidenote: that Secret deodorant commercial... Where the girl is fanning her armpits in front of the AC, talking to an imaginary date? ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME) Second sidenote: have you guys seen that T-Mobile commercial where the guy tries to buy lemonade from a little girl and she adds all those extra fees? THAT GUY is Dan from Dez’s season, also the dude that hooked up with Onion Ashley on BIP. (Rest in Peace, BIP)

Ohhh heeeey Russell Dickerson. Let me tell you about how much I love this song he is singing right now: a giant part of my life is based on analyzing and finding the perfect First Dance song. It’s my first question after EVERY wedding, and it’s really the only thing that matters. (I got two texts this weekend, as a matter of fact, with the titles of the first dance songs from two different weddings, because my really good friends know how to head me off at the pass with my wedding questions.) My brother actually introduced me to Russell Dickerson (because he supports my unfounded notion that the first dance song is the only thing that matters about a marriage) and if you all will remember Patrick Shea, winner of the “Boyfriend of the Year” award I mentioned a while ago – HIS song with his girlfriend (of the Century) Katie is the very song Russell played. ALSO THEY HAVE MET RUSSELL DICKERSON. It’s very casual.

Group Date:

Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Le, Iggy, Eric, Will, Josiah

Peter’s reading of this date card was the WORST in the history of this entire show, how even? I’m happy for Jack getting a one-on-one because he knew the difference between “cork” and “quirk” AND he’s an attorney. 

Image result for be still my heart gif

(JK the jury is totally still out on Jack, but he's got everything going for him so far....) 

Josiah is already pretty sloshed and it's probably only about 11 am. Kenny’s rapping is delightful, but you KNOW that I’m real into Peter spitting rhymes in that coral shirt right now.

Look, I’m all about a spelling Bee, but the fact that they’ve made these guys pound drinks and now they’re making them spell... is a lot. Rachel thinks intelligence is sexy. I do too, but I feel like there are many better indications of intelligence spelling words. I’m glad they put that Bachelor PA to work making him draw a bunch of bees to hang up all over the place.

To be fair, I don’t think I could spell boudoir… Wait, I typed it correctly, just now! Eric and “fa├žade…” is very disappointing to me. It looks like Josiah is still pretty sloshed, and he’s still spelling correctly, but we haven’t seen him face any tough ones… boutinnere… Boutinerre… Oh I would NOT get that one. "Physiological," not a tough one. "Polyamorous," also not difficult. I’d honestly be fine if there weren’t any French words up in it…

Clearly Peter never had Joe Croker as an English teacher and never saw Bridget Jones’ Diary.
Mr. FitzHerbert... Because that... is his name. 



If Rachel has a choice, she would never wear shoes. Samesies, Rachel...

...unless you could Vibrams.

How did it come to be that Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin?? Is no one going to ask her about that? And by "no one," I mean "Peter."

Eric is making a GREAT comeback right now. He really could have slipped into just talking about Lee and Kenny, but he is using his time VERY wisely and I'm impressed.

I’m so bored by Iggy talking smack about Josiah to Rachel. He is still sweaty, what is going ON? And now he goes back and talks to Josiah. And tells him exactly what he said. He is such a pot stirrer!! I feel like Eric called him out really well, telling him he was part of the problem. Iggy needs to go.

Lee is digging a massive hole for himself, for the Men Tell All, it’s really just incredible. Telling Rachel how he "loves the guy" about Kenny, then turning around and telling the camera how much he likes baiting him... Also the fact that he said “yes ma’am” to Rachel is unreal.

Alex and Peter are obviously pretty sober and they’re not into Lee’s shenanigans at the bar right now. Also I have a big problem with the fact that the men seem to think “disingenuine” is a word. 

Kenny is trying to tell Rachel about what happened the night of the rose ceremony but she is NOT having it. She wasn't even into his rapping. Also massive points to Kenny because he actually commented on this, observing her closed body language.

OHHHH HE JUST DROPPED THE “ALTERNATIVE FACTS” ON US. No one is safe.

Who is Will even talking about when Kenny comes in to grab Lee for a chat? I really like Will more and more, but I’m still so upset about his Urkel Schtick. But he gets points for doing so well on the Spelling Bee.

Kenny and Josiah doing Game of Thrones while Alex looks on is so delightful in my life right now. 

WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO JACK'S DATE!! What is life? Thank goodness we get two episodes next week, so rude of the sport games to intrude on our airtime last week. 

Ugh, if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

GET YOUR JOY SOMEWHERE ELSE

Announcements:

1) Y’ALL JAMES COMEY IS TESTIFYING IN THREE DAYS YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. (True life: I don’t think he’s actually going to say anything earth shattering because all of it is still under investigation, but I definitely still wanna see him in a Gotcha game with Kareem Abdul Jabbar.)

2) Anyone else read “All the Light We Cannot See?” I just finished it and I am, as the kids would say, SHOOKETH.” It won the 2015 Pulitzer for a reason. Run, don’t walk, to pick up a copy of it.

3) Finally… Let me take you back to 2008. Just bear with me, I promise this is worth it. My mentor in the Miami BFA program, the legendary Tim Murray told me a lot of important things during my first semester. He told me who I should be friends with in the program and who I shouldn’t talk to (and honestly he was so right, to this day) But early in the fall he started snapping in my face and said, “Ok two names I need you to know: Lissa Rubin and Katie McClellan. They are legendary and they are infinite and you must love them, got it?” I nodded gravely, understanding that with which I had just been charged. When these two ladies returned for spring semester (I don’t even know where they were – they were literally too famous for first semester) I very genuinely sat at their feet and demanded that they love me. Fast forward to almost a decade later… Katie McClellan was in town this week, y’all. Remember Katie? She's my friend that I talked about being in that Hallmark movie? She's v famous.


I had the privilege of watching last night’s episode with her and if you ask me whom I adore in life, she’s near the top of the list. We watched with her friends Ross and Lauren. Ross has yet to convert to being a fan of BachelorNation. I told Lauren to just give him time.

So we picked up right when last we left our heroes and DeMario starts off his time with Rachel with a handshake. Strong. Let’s talk about how he wiped his lip before he recited his “favorite quote.” (I put that term in quotations because… you know.) But seriously. It was like his body knew what he was about to say was complete nonsense and was making a last ditch effort to cover up his mouth so he wouldn't say it. DeMario pleads with Rachel. He tells her what his Uber driver said. He genuinely BEGS for another chance. And he gets NO WHERE. Rachel’s handling of this situation was a masterpiece. She very diplomatically bid him adieu. Allegedly DeMario's gonna be on Bachelor in Paradise and I LOVE IT.

Jonathan (aka Tickle Monster) and those hands are very PRECISELY why I love the second and third episode, y’all! They still are in the vicinity of things like the 99 Cent Store, so they can make things like this happen! They can send a PA to get a bunch of skin colored fabric, fifty eight thousand cotten balls and eighty one sharpies so they can draw lines on the hands. But seriously WHAT are these hands and why is this guy the wooooooorst. Honestly it's just making me mad that we're wasting screen time on this guy and not seeing Buster Bluth:
Give your brother a hand. 

I feel like Alex is going to go far. Wait. I mean Bryan. I confuse the two of them. Ok, ok. Alex is the Rubix Cube vaccum guy that’s obsessed with his Mom, and Bryan is the handsy chiropractor first impression rose guy. Got it.


YOU GUYS I REALLY WANT TO LIKE WILL BUT HE DID THE STEVE URKEL AND YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT POORLY EXECUTED SCHITCK. Ugh. Just needed to get my feelings out in all caps about it. 

This whole Blake and WaBoom thing. I want to break it down like it's a poetry exposition assignment in a high school English class or something. The whole thing is just so rich. I guess I'll start with my questions: 
- WaBoom is so sloshed right now, how could anyone take ANY of his words seriously? 
- Why was Rachel's primary concern about whether or not WaBoom FINISHED THE BANANA? 
- Was this whole thing made up? Were there other witnesses? Because Blake, aka Johnnie If-The-Glove-Don't-Fit Cochran rushes into the courtroom and explains that he's on a ketogenic diet and couldn't have POSSIBLY been eating a banana at the time of the murder! (or at the time of the alleged incident. Whatever.)

Seriously what are we supposed to say to this whole thing?! I need approximately 10 million years to get over it.
I have lost the ability to even. 

Roses went to: Bryan, Bryce (who?) Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, (But seriously who is Bryce?) Jack, Matt (Matt?) Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady, Lee, Iggy, Fred, Diggy.

Iggy is still sweating. I feel you, bro.

Who is that unkempt PA that we saw in the jacket during this confrontation right now? This living room wants answers!

THE WABOOM AND LUCAS CONFRONTATION.

It’s not about winning, it’s about the world. Go back to your garbage clown life. THIS ISN’T EVEN MY COMMENTARY IT’S ACTUAL STUFF THAT THEY ARE SAYING TO EACH OTHER. This is the America that we have inherited. Dudes say stuff like this to each other. I’d like to take a moment to point out that Ross had joined us in watching, at this point, as any good sport would do. And even though Katie and Lauren and I were shaking our heads, asking how this could even be happening, Ross very calmly pointed out “People… REALLY want to be famous.” 

Ross isn't wrong. 


Group Date: Ellen
Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred,

I’m so excited for Ellen to be on this date. She loves this show and America loves HER. And I already really like her opinion on Jonathan and Will. About the Tickle Monster she said "Oh I don't like that." And about Urkel she immediately goes, "Uh oh." Ellen is America's sweetheart. Also at this point Katie wisely pointed out what kind of crazy contract had to go down to get ABC and NBC to merge for this.

Alex decided to kiss and tell AND SO DID WILL and I am not here for it. 
Never!


Ok I saw this date a while ago and am SO upset that none of the guys went and danced up on Rachel!! This was their CHANCE! Like, if E'ER there was a chance to say "Can I steal you away?" THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN IT. (Speaking of "steal you away" did anyone else see the coverage of Trudeu and Macron's political bromance at the G7 summit? It was so delightful)

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Please accept all my roses. 


I have a lot of questions about Alex’s pants. But he wants us to know that his nude selfie was classy. Mercy these guys are trashy. THERE IS NO SUCH THING, ALEXANDER.

I don’t know what on earth this left eye to left eye thing that Alex is talking about but I’m so into it. Have I told you guys how this show turned me into a body language expert? Seriously US Magazine could use me as an expert analyzer of body language. I’ve read over seven books on it, now and I’ve never heard of this left eye thing but I love it.

I’m telling you right now: Fred is gonna lay one on her, it’s gonna be awkward and she’s gonna send him home.

Ok now I really don’t know how to feel about the fact that Fred asked her if he coud kiss her… As we all know, “If you have to ask… you’ll never know.”

THE FACT THAT SHE TOOK THE ROSE WITH HER TO SEND FRED HOME IS SAVAGE. I still don’t even know how to use that term, but I think that was an ok implementation of it.

Eric says that Rachel is not emotionally vulnerable to him. Also am I missing something in my understanding that Eric has never been in a relationship before? I feel like the plot just thickened.

One on One: Rodeo Drive

Well we didn't even see anyone read the date card, but Anthony is ready to meet Rachel at the Rodeo. I feel like this date isn’t going to go well. Remember the Beverly Hills date that Sean Lowe had with that girl… what was her name? Leslie? It didn’t go well. Who is that poor rodeo dude bringing Rachel and Anthony and the horses into West? What kind of insurance did they possibly have to have to do to do this?? What a bummer that Anthony is on this date. He is such a snooze. I wonder what legality requires them to blur the equestrian fecal matter? Watching this date, I think I realize how bored Johnny must've been during every episode of Ben Higgins, because I am whining as vocally about my dissatisfaction with Anthony as Johnny did about Ben....
This date is giving me shades of Derek and JoJo and Jillian and Farmer Chris - remember when Jillian won that bridal obstacle course and she went on that awkward one on one date with Chris for like, fifteen minutes before he sent her home? Mercy. AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN SEND ANTHONY HOME!!

So glad they can have grocery store jazz up on this hillside. Seriously why did she give him a rose? Who even cares anymore?

Group Date: Mud Wrestling
Brady, Dean, Ab, (some dude named Ab? Update: Adam) Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, Eric.

Eric is giving me first one on one date anxiety – where you get the first one on one date then you get really anxious about how things are going with the lead (see Ashley on Brad’s second season, or Frank on Ali’s season)

...But Eric has hardly had any one on one time with her. 

...Or even a girlfriend, apparently. 

This is nuts that they are bringing the girls on the bus with the guys. THEY ARE SOWING THE SEED FOR BACHELOR IN PARADISE AND THAT IS BOLD. I wouldn’t want Corinne to touch my man with a 29 ½ pole, mercy.

Pretty Boy Pit Buill is READY for this date. After he BARKED at the camera, Katie looked at me and said “He just did that. That just happened”

Ross asked, “What kind of wrestler are we talking about with this guy?” and I said “Whatever the not admirable one is. Like, I don't think he did WWE." (But what do I know?)

The ring leader… what do we call her? She is quintessential to this whole thing and I love it. What is the term for the person who rings the bell? Ring master? I feel like we're so far down the rabbit hole with this episode that I can't possibly be held accountable for knowing the proper term for a wrestling MC, but this woman is par for the course.


The final is Bryce vs. Kenny… Bryce needs to go back to Rivendale. (not Riverdale. Rivendale. You heard me) I'm bummed that Kenny didn't pull through, but so glad he felt comfortable enough to tell her he worked at Chip 'n Dale's. Chippin Dale? Chippin Dales? Shows you how many times I've been to Vegas...

STOP CALLING THEM YOUR GIRLS, RACHEL.
LAUREN: We know they’re not your friends.
Rose Ceremony:
I don’t even understand what happened in this exchange with Lee and Eric. Why is Eric raising his voice so loud? Don't get me wrong - I'm told that sometimes I yell in restaurants. Seriously, Big Daddy very routinely tells me to keep my voice down. I tell him it's all my fabulous stage training in projection. I should probably get my ears checked. But Eric is more intense than "get-your-ears-checked-cause-you're-projecting-at-Applebees" loud.

RACHEL: I wanted it to be deeper with the guys.
KATIE: Deeper than mud wrestling?

Again, the Eric and Iggy exchange… What is happening??

A very sage voice of reason in my life pointed out: “Iggy is like Sean Spicer trying to explain a Trump tweet. It just ain’t gonna happen.” And by “sage voice of reason” I mean “my brother.” Sometimes I’ll send Davey screenshots of my conversations with dudes and he’ll be like, “Well that’s nice, it just means Im’ma have to pull out the BB gun that’s in Mom and Dad’s closet if you try to bring this schmuck home at Thanksgiving..." if anyone can comment on dude behavior, it’s Davey. He also points out that in addition to unnecessarily inserting himself all over the place, Iggy's strange hair part can be seen from SPACE and he’s not wrong. Iggy is just so overproduced, but I’m obviously here for it. The producers have told him that the guys really need to hear from him, and so for whatever reason, he has inserted himself in not one, but TWO conversations and given unsolicited advice. And you know what they say about unsolicited advice? IT’S CRITICISM. (For more on this, you’ll have to refer to the chapter of my memoir where I detail the week that I spent at a rehab facility in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I am 110% not joking. It’ll be a worthwhile memoir, trust me,) 

I don't know why they're doing this "To Be Continued" garbage, but I'll try to get to the bottom of it. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...