Tuesday, June 6, 2017



1) Y’ALL JAMES COMEY IS TESTIFYING IN THREE DAYS YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. (True life: I don’t think he’s actually going to say anything earth shattering because all of it is still under investigation, but I definitely still wanna see him in a Gotcha game with Kareem Abdul Jabbar.)

2) Anyone else read “All the Light We Cannot See?” I just finished it and I am, as the kids would say, SHOOKETH.” It won the 2015 Pulitzer for a reason. Run, don’t walk, to pick up a copy of it.

3) Finally… Let me take you back to 2008. Just bear with me, I promise this is worth it. My mentor in the Miami BFA program, the legendary Tim Murray told me a lot of important things during my first semester. He told me who I should be friends with in the program and who I shouldn’t talk to (and honestly he was so right, to this day) But early in the fall he started snapping in my face and said, “Ok two names I need you to know: Lissa Rubin and Katie McClellan. They are legendary and they are infinite and you must love them, got it?” I nodded gravely, understanding that with which I had just been charged. When these two ladies returned for spring semester (I don’t even know where they were – they were literally too famous for first semester) I very genuinely sat at their feet and demanded that they love me. Fast forward to almost a decade later… Katie McClellan was in town this week, y’all. Remember Katie? She's my friend that I talked about being in that Hallmark movie? She's v famous.

I had the privilege of watching last night’s episode with her and if you ask me whom I adore in life, she’s near the top of the list. We watched with her friends Ross and Lauren. Ross has yet to convert to being a fan of BachelorNation. I told Lauren to just give him time.

So we picked up right when last we left our heroes and DeMario starts off his time with Rachel with a handshake. Strong. Let’s talk about how he wiped his lip before he recited his “favorite quote.” (I put that term in quotations because… you know.) But seriously. It was like his body knew what he was about to say was complete nonsense and was making a last ditch effort to cover up his mouth so he wouldn't say it. DeMario pleads with Rachel. He tells her what his Uber driver said. He genuinely BEGS for another chance. And he gets NO WHERE. Rachel’s handling of this situation was a masterpiece. She very diplomatically bid him adieu. Allegedly DeMario's gonna be on Bachelor in Paradise and I LOVE IT.

Jonathan (aka Tickle Monster) and those hands are very PRECISELY why I love the second and third episode, y’all! They still are in the vicinity of things like the 99 Cent Store, so they can make things like this happen! They can send a PA to get a bunch of skin colored fabric, fifty eight thousand cotten balls and eighty one sharpies so they can draw lines on the hands. But seriously WHAT are these hands and why is this guy the wooooooorst. Honestly it's just making me mad that we're wasting screen time on this guy and not seeing Buster Bluth:
Give your brother a hand. 

I feel like Alex is going to go far. Wait. I mean Bryan. I confuse the two of them. Ok, ok. Alex is the Rubix Cube vaccum guy that’s obsessed with his Mom, and Bryan is the handsy chiropractor first impression rose guy. Got it.


This whole Blake and WaBoom thing. I want to break it down like it's a poetry exposition assignment in a high school English class or something. The whole thing is just so rich. I guess I'll start with my questions: 
- WaBoom is so sloshed right now, how could anyone take ANY of his words seriously? 
- Why was Rachel's primary concern about whether or not WaBoom FINISHED THE BANANA? 
- Was this whole thing made up? Were there other witnesses? Because Blake, aka Johnnie If-The-Glove-Don't-Fit Cochran rushes into the courtroom and explains that he's on a ketogenic diet and couldn't have POSSIBLY been eating a banana at the time of the murder! (or at the time of the alleged incident. Whatever.)

Seriously what are we supposed to say to this whole thing?! I need approximately 10 million years to get over it.
I have lost the ability to even. 

Roses went to: Bryan, Bryce (who?) Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, (But seriously who is Bryce?) Jack, Matt (Matt?) Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady, Lee, Iggy, Fred, Diggy.

Iggy is still sweating. I feel you, bro.

Who is that unkempt PA that we saw in the jacket during this confrontation right now? This living room wants answers!


It’s not about winning, it’s about the world. Go back to your garbage clown life. THIS ISN’T EVEN MY COMMENTARY IT’S ACTUAL STUFF THAT THEY ARE SAYING TO EACH OTHER. This is the America that we have inherited. Dudes say stuff like this to each other. I’d like to take a moment to point out that Ross had joined us in watching, at this point, as any good sport would do. And even though Katie and Lauren and I were shaking our heads, asking how this could even be happening, Ross very calmly pointed out “People… REALLY want to be famous.” 

Ross isn't wrong. 

Group Date: Ellen
Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred,

I’m so excited for Ellen to be on this date. She loves this show and America loves HER. And I already really like her opinion on Jonathan and Will. About the Tickle Monster she said "Oh I don't like that." And about Urkel she immediately goes, "Uh oh." Ellen is America's sweetheart. Also at this point Katie wisely pointed out what kind of crazy contract had to go down to get ABC and NBC to merge for this.

Alex decided to kiss and tell AND SO DID WILL and I am not here for it. 

Ok I saw this date a while ago and am SO upset that none of the guys went and danced up on Rachel!! This was their CHANCE! Like, if E'ER there was a chance to say "Can I steal you away?" THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN IT. (Speaking of "steal you away" did anyone else see the coverage of Trudeu and Macron's political bromance at the G7 summit? It was so delightful)

Displaying IMG_20170606_225156.jpg
Please accept all my roses. 

I have a lot of questions about Alex’s pants. But he wants us to know that his nude selfie was classy. Mercy these guys are trashy. THERE IS NO SUCH THING, ALEXANDER.

I don’t know what on earth this left eye to left eye thing that Alex is talking about but I’m so into it. Have I told you guys how this show turned me into a body language expert? Seriously US Magazine could use me as an expert analyzer of body language. I’ve read over seven books on it, now and I’ve never heard of this left eye thing but I love it.

I’m telling you right now: Fred is gonna lay one on her, it’s gonna be awkward and she’s gonna send him home.

Ok now I really don’t know how to feel about the fact that Fred asked her if he coud kiss her… As we all know, “If you have to ask… you’ll never know.”

THE FACT THAT SHE TOOK THE ROSE WITH HER TO SEND FRED HOME IS SAVAGE. I still don’t even know how to use that term, but I think that was an ok implementation of it.

Eric says that Rachel is not emotionally vulnerable to him. Also am I missing something in my understanding that Eric has never been in a relationship before? I feel like the plot just thickened.

One on One: Rodeo Drive

Well we didn't even see anyone read the date card, but Anthony is ready to meet Rachel at the Rodeo. I feel like this date isn’t going to go well. Remember the Beverly Hills date that Sean Lowe had with that girl… what was her name? Leslie? It didn’t go well. Who is that poor rodeo dude bringing Rachel and Anthony and the horses into West? What kind of insurance did they possibly have to have to do to do this?? What a bummer that Anthony is on this date. He is such a snooze. I wonder what legality requires them to blur the equestrian fecal matter? Watching this date, I think I realize how bored Johnny must've been during every episode of Ben Higgins, because I am whining as vocally about my dissatisfaction with Anthony as Johnny did about Ben....
This date is giving me shades of Derek and JoJo and Jillian and Farmer Chris - remember when Jillian won that bridal obstacle course and she went on that awkward one on one date with Chris for like, fifteen minutes before he sent her home? Mercy. AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN SEND ANTHONY HOME!!

So glad they can have grocery store jazz up on this hillside. Seriously why did she give him a rose? Who even cares anymore?

Group Date: Mud Wrestling
Brady, Dean, Ab, (some dude named Ab? Update: Adam) Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, Eric.

Eric is giving me first one on one date anxiety – where you get the first one on one date then you get really anxious about how things are going with the lead (see Ashley on Brad’s second season, or Frank on Ali’s season)

...But Eric has hardly had any one on one time with her. 

...Or even a girlfriend, apparently. 

This is nuts that they are bringing the girls on the bus with the guys. THEY ARE SOWING THE SEED FOR BACHELOR IN PARADISE AND THAT IS BOLD. I wouldn’t want Corinne to touch my man with a 29 ½ pole, mercy.

Pretty Boy Pit Buill is READY for this date. After he BARKED at the camera, Katie looked at me and said “He just did that. That just happened”

Ross asked, “What kind of wrestler are we talking about with this guy?” and I said “Whatever the not admirable one is. Like, I don't think he did WWE." (But what do I know?)

The ring leader… what do we call her? She is quintessential to this whole thing and I love it. What is the term for the person who rings the bell? Ring master? I feel like we're so far down the rabbit hole with this episode that I can't possibly be held accountable for knowing the proper term for a wrestling MC, but this woman is par for the course.

The final is Bryce vs. Kenny… Bryce needs to go back to Rivendale. (not Riverdale. Rivendale. You heard me) I'm bummed that Kenny didn't pull through, but so glad he felt comfortable enough to tell her he worked at Chip 'n Dale's. Chippin Dale? Chippin Dales? Shows you how many times I've been to Vegas...

LAUREN: We know they’re not your friends.
Rose Ceremony:
I don’t even understand what happened in this exchange with Lee and Eric. Why is Eric raising his voice so loud? Don't get me wrong - I'm told that sometimes I yell in restaurants. Seriously, Big Daddy very routinely tells me to keep my voice down. I tell him it's all my fabulous stage training in projection. I should probably get my ears checked. But Eric is more intense than "get-your-ears-checked-cause-you're-projecting-at-Applebees" loud.

RACHEL: I wanted it to be deeper with the guys.
KATIE: Deeper than mud wrestling?

Again, the Eric and Iggy exchange… What is happening??

A very sage voice of reason in my life pointed out: “Iggy is like Sean Spicer trying to explain a Trump tweet. It just ain’t gonna happen.” And by “sage voice of reason” I mean “my brother.” Sometimes I’ll send Davey screenshots of my conversations with dudes and he’ll be like, “Well that’s nice, it just means Im’ma have to pull out the BB gun that’s in Mom and Dad’s closet if you try to bring this schmuck home at Thanksgiving..." if anyone can comment on dude behavior, it’s Davey. He also points out that in addition to unnecessarily inserting himself all over the place, Iggy's strange hair part can be seen from SPACE and he’s not wrong. Iggy is just so overproduced, but I’m obviously here for it. The producers have told him that the guys really need to hear from him, and so for whatever reason, he has inserted himself in not one, but TWO conversations and given unsolicited advice. And you know what they say about unsolicited advice? IT’S CRITICISM. (For more on this, you’ll have to refer to the chapter of my memoir where I detail the week that I spent at a rehab facility in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I am 110% not joking. It’ll be a worthwhile memoir, trust me,) 

I don't know why they're doing this "To Be Continued" garbage, but I'll try to get to the bottom of it. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...


  1. This is hilarious!!!! I just found your blog - while desperately on the hunt for a Bachelorette review that had some time and heart put into it . Consider yourself bookmarked�� I can't ignore Iggy's sweat either, it's as if his part is a canal to his forehead. And why not take a cue from the wrestler guy and remove yourself from anyone who is acting like an immature idiot. Literally, every time a crazy rant is about to be made Wrestler guy gets up and excuses himself. I love it! And Eric... He has a temper and my husband pointed out that "he's young and drinking all day in house full of dudes". I see his point. Not the one for Rachel - can you imagine being in conflict with him and having that eye go all slanty on you?! There's no winning. But he does have a point. Never once has he shown he's not here for her... He's just quck to snap and he's really insecure. Fred... I think he should have phrased his question "would you like to be kissed a sixth time?!" Because eeeeeew. And i get it. She just wasn't feeling it. But damn that rose was so misleading - thorn to the heart. The Rodeo Dr. Guy... I don't see him as boring per say, just more reserved. I mean how embarrassing would that date have been - even before the horse shit on the floor - as soon as i saw that white rug i cringed. And perhaps - maybe?- the Bachelor girls are friends. Maybe?! They must spend a good amount of time together... I'm imagining tanning and infared saunas...

    Thank you for taking the time to share your hilarious insight and for keeping your comments open for us.

    I feel so much better now.

    -Fellow Bird

    1. OMG obsessed with you! Haha so glad you stumbled upon this site! I really hope Iggy is on Bachelor in Paradise but then I think about how stressed I'd get about how sweaty he is and I don't know if I could take it...

  2. So i must confess... I've never watched any of the Paradise shows. Worth it?? And there wasn't an episode 4 yet was there? My husband and I came home from vacay, ordered sushi and sat down to shit talk and were like WTF?? These damn "until next episodes" are killing me

  3. It wasn't on last week because of the basketball game!! Haha Bachelor in Paradise is SO worth it but it's already been cancelled this season! Allegations of sexual misconduct and a bunch of other tangled webs... I wonder what ABC will come up with to fill the time slot...