Monday, January 28, 2013

Just Don't Bash Her Over the Head With a Hammer...

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

True life: after last week’s antennae debacle, my roommate Carolyn and I watched this week’s episode on the computer, in real-time via live stream… On East Coast time. Which means it started at 5.

It is actually shocking to finish the show and realize that it’s only 7 PM. It’s like a glorious version of “Fall back,” during Daylight Savings Time, or something.

I didn't start watching until about 5:20, but apparently all I missed was Selma asking Sean if he could “handle all 110 pounds” of her. YEAH RIGHT YOU ONLY WEIGH 110 POUNDS, ASHLEY GREENE. (This tidbit brought to you courtesy of Ethan Kasnett… Yes, including the “yeah right” part.) And I’m sure I missed the promo clip of Tiara asking another girl, “ARE YOU STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL?” that was no doubt repeated for the umpteenth time.

Apparently they went rock climbing. Cool. (Sidenote: I would  like to know why they haven’t had a Bachelor date at the Trapeze School that exists on Santa Monica pier – I discovered the existence of that little gem last weekend – Hare, can you get somebody on that, please?) Moving on:

- So much whispering between them right now. So much snuggling. I’m feeling a little claustrophobic.
- Sean respects Selma. Grace respects Sean for respecting Selma. 
- But whoa there, Sean, you are hovering in the danger zone right now. Her mom isn't gonna like that...
- Ohhh she’s "found her prince charming." I think we’re done here.

Questions I have:
- Wait… How did Selma get on this show?!
- Anyone remember when Elizabeth Kitt played the No-Kiss card on Jake’s season? He was all about it at first… Until she turned into the BIGGEST. TEASE. EVER.
- Once again: no but seriously HOW DID SELMA GET ON THIS SHOW?!
- So “in her culture,” do they keep dating a secret from… their family? Society? Define "secret," Alice Cullen...
- Why is her speech getting slower and slower? Is this an editing trick?
- But really... Is the "secret dating" thing the reason she can't kiss him? Or is it literally because it would make her mom mad?

Memorable quotes: 
“It’s so funny when they can’t kiss… I mean, what else can they do right now? There's so much silence...”    -Carolyn

- Tiara asserts that shes' ready for a one on one date and that “I DON’T NEED NO chaperones.” It's time for Sean to "step up," and to "see who she is." I have no idea how those last three statements relate to one another, nor what they could possibly mean.

- Lindsay, Robin, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tiara are going to go on a group date where they'll have to "roll with the punches."

- This is Sarah’s first group-date. It’s CRAAAAZY Ashley’s third.
- Lindsay thinks they’re gonna roll around in hamster balls. Not a bad guess. (I would like to take a brief moment to salute the life of our first-ever real pet, in the Douglas Family (that doesn't count goldfish) was a hamster named Goldie, and we'd put it in one of those rolling balls whenever we washed the cage... One day our little neighbor, Connor, didn't secure the thing shut, and Goldie escaped...

In the wild.

Goldie was never seen or heard from again.

It was a dark time for our family.

If I were on this season, I'd probably cry to the camera about the tragedy that was Goldie the Hamster.)
- In case anyone doesn't remember last week: AshLee doesn't like “activities.” Something tells me there are gonna be some tears about this. 
- KRAZY Amanda straight-up lied and said she’s done Roller Derby before. I like Amanda more and more by the minute. 
- Robyn is concerned that Sean is going to think that she isn't coordinated, because her ability to stay standing, whilst on skates does not reflect her real coordination. I would like to take a moment to comment that it is true that your ability to rollerblade says very little about your coordination, so much as it says about how much you did it as a kid. 
- Wait let’s just talk about the risk of Sarah injuring her good arm. This isn't a question of “being brave,” it’s a question of INJURY. 
- Sean said that Amanda’s hospital trip was for “precautionary reasons.” I vote “liability reasons.” 
- LADIES. ATTENTION: Sean did not call off the Roller Derby, ABC’s lawyers did.

Memorable quotes:
-Tiara calls the rink decal “a skull and two bones.” IT’S ‘A SKULL AND CROSSBONES,’ TIARA.
-Tiara has been building up “aggression,” living in the house. I didn't know that aggression could be “built up.” 
- In her role as Sarah's Personal Cheerleader, we are reminded: 
AshLee: “She has everything that every other girl in the house has…” 
Carolyn: “Except an arm.” 
- According to Sarah, Amanda “wiped out. On her face.” Too good.

Questions I have: 
- Can someone bring out that giant dice and play that game where you’re out if they roll your number? Brentwood Skate Center, anyone? 

- Sarah asked Sean in about fifty five different ways “am I ok?” He affirms this. 
- Amanda openly admits that she’s willing to play dirty. Ten points for honesty. 
- Sarah asks if Tiara has talked to AshLee, before jumping ship. Grace is wondering the same thing. 
- Tiara is LOVING the word “torture” right now. 
- Ok fine. That part where Sean told Tiara that he could tell that she likes him by the way she looks at him… I’ll give you that one, Sean. It was sexy.

Questions I have:
- Tiara "doesn't want a Sympathy Rose"… so she’s going to fake going home? THAT won’t be a sympathy rose?
- Tiara asks if Robyn is still in high school. ARE THEY BOTH IN HIGH SCHOOL?!
- Update: Tiara got her "Sympathy Rose" that she "didn't want."

Memorable quotes: 
- I can’t even summarize whatever it was Lindsay said about her favorite and least favorite parts of the day because it was just... useless. It was useless in execution, because it made ZERO sense, and  useless in sentiment, because it somehow made her sound like she was seven. 
- “Why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy?” Ok obviously Tiara hasn't even made it to high school yet, because she would have learned about adverbs, by now... 
- About being neurotic and psychotic, Sean tells Tiara: “I know guys probably… handle it differently." TO PUT IT MILDLY, YES. 
- “Don’t mind my short swimsuit.” Oh we don't mind at all, Sean. 

- Is Pretty Woman your favorite movie, Leslie? Really, is it??
- Tiara, can we talk about the success of a relationship founded on one party “always getting what they want”?!
- I just need to remark that Tiara is the only one we have ever witnessed eating ANYTHING, on this show. Ever. 

- Sean is a dream, Sean is her future, Sean is her fairy tale. I’d LOVE to see a Bachelor about whom the women say “You know, he’s… alright.”
- Sean says that every girl talks about Pretty Woman and how Richard Gere treats Julia Roberts to whatever she wants and how he wants Leslie to be just like Julia Roberts. At this point, Carolyn and I yelled, “BUT SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE.”
- Ok you know they had the ABC stylist onhand, making sure Leslie picked out a strapless dress, to show off some more bling… 
- They are gonna be GREAT friends. I’m calling it right now. 
- As twisted as it is, I think one of my favorite aspects of this show is watching for the exact moment that the girl knows she’s going home. Cause you could see it written all over poor Leslie's face... 
- Cue the epic departure music... Wait also cue the music of the concert that they didn't get to hear. How unfortunate for all parties. Bet the production team was a GREAT audience for whoever that dude was...

Questions I have:
- That vest at the beginning. Sean, what’s happening with that? Talk to me...  

Memorable Quotes: 
- “Sean has taken control.” DID SEAN FOOT THE BILL, LESLIE?!
- Ok Leslie's cliche interjections. Let's talk about them for a second. In the car, there was “Holy Moly, Batman!” about which I won't even comment. There was “Winner winner chicken dinner” when she found the dress, which would be an acceptable time to use that phrase... if she were in third grade. And then there was an “Ooopa!” when they got to dinner, about which I really have no idea...
- “My parents divorced when I was five…” MAYDAY! MAYDAY! THIS WILL GET HER CROSSED OFF THE LIST.

- Sean tells the women to come talk to him if they have questions. I bet Robyn’s gonna have some questions about Tiara tonight… (Update: she talked about chocolate. I was in the fetal position for most of it)
- Robyn apparently gets drunk on Sean’s kisses. Seriously. No,literally she seems drunk, and can’t get it together in the interview right now.
- Tiara is now trying to apologize to Robyn and is saying some really strange things that… make zero sense. 
- Lez is sporting the middle part tonight; not sure how I feel about it… 

Memorable Quotes:
- Sean tells AshLee that she’s been on his mind a lot. She asks him to expand about it. He replies, “I just know how amazing you are.” That’s more or less like when Prince Derek said “What else is there?” to Princess Odette in The Swan Princess. (You're welcome, Katie and Christine)
- “I’m not gonna let anyone bash a hammer over my head.” ....Keep telling yourself that, Tiara.
- The way that Daniella just pronounced “MANIPULATive”… would have been ok… if she were in fifth grade.
- Catherine just coined the term “Tierrable.” Catherine is climbing higher and higher on the ladder of approval. 
- “I feel comfortable and vulnerable enough to really shine tonight.” YOU GO, CATHERINE. She doesn't wanna kiss him in front of the other girls. So they go for a walk. How covert. She and Sean say “I really like you” about sixteen times, and also talk about how they never waste time when they’re together… I’m not sure those two things go together, but I won’t ask many questions… 

Amanda, what’s going on with your hair, girl? And the purple lipstick - why girl, why?

Roses go to: Catherine, Dez, Lindsay, Lez, Sarah, Jackie, AshLee, Daniella and Robyn.

Afterwards, Hare came out and delivered his classic, “if you did not receive a rose” line, as though there were plenty of girls that didn't get a rose… There was just one. Bye bye, Krazy Amanda.

This was also the first Bachelor-accompanied walk-out that we've seen this season, where Sean said “I enjoyed getting to know you.” 

….That was it. 

And that last clip of Sean, unable to make the Jeep go forward was literally ALL worth it, just to hear his commentary, after each false start...

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

She's just between a rock and a hard SPOT.


Dear Sean,
Dear, sweet Sean. What a burden to have all of America fall madly in love with you. (I can sympathize, believe you me) And it’s too bad more men of America don’t watch this show, so they could witness your treatise that may as well be called “In Defense of the Gentlemen,” because you’re really making us swoon, over here. HOWEVER… You can’t always be the nice guy. You are going to break some (definitely more than one) hearts this season. And America doesn’t wanna watch you do it. We don’t want to watch you, because it’s obviously painful to see someone else in pain, sure, but at the end of the day: your good intentions towards the women, as well as your agony towards breaking their hearts only reminds the American public of the soot-infested interior of their own rotten souls. What ever happened to Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, or Charlie O’Connell, who were downright selfish and just out to get laid? WHEN DID CHIVALRY GET THE ENDORSEMENT, ABC?!?!

I’ve already said too much. We’ll be in touch, Seannie Boy.

Every rose has its th- NEVERMIND. 


That being said, I will now begin my commentary. Per usual: my girl Lincee has the funniest Bachelor commentary of anyone I know. And for the record: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.


- Oh sweet. Based on the voiceovers, they’re gonna make it look  like Kacie B pushed Tiara down the stairs.

2) MORNING AFTER (the rose ceremony)

*Memorable quotes: 
- Sean is “digging” the women. Interesting.

*Questions I have:
- Hare says to use your time wisely “whenever you see him.” 
Does that mean he’s gonna pop out in that ski mask around the house randomly, to prune roses for the ceremony? 

- Robyn tells the camera about the kind of date she wants from Sean and what she wants the date card to say and it’s just… a lot. 
- Alice Cullen, that was a terrible dramatic reading of the date card.

3) Date with Lesley: 

- Longest on screen kiss? That’s nothing compared to the longest OFF SCREEN kiss, because I remember seeing that record when I was in third grade when I saw it – it was something like 26 hours…
- I need the record to show that Ethan and I basically did this, once, in a dance class. No but really: it wasn’t on screen, but it was a feat. I don’t even remember what the choreography was from, but it involved holding both your partner’s hands and doing a full turn, letting your head go upside down, all while keeping your lips together. That explanation doesn’t even make sense, no matter how many ways you try to sit at your computer and make it happen, and I think that’s the point. Feat, I tell you. 
- She just gave his face a very sensible pat, mid lip-lock. I’m not mad about it. 
- Lez says that she loved middle school and wasn’t homecoming queen in high school but was, in fact, a nerd. 

ATTENTION: A genuine nerd does not take ownership of their nerd-ery. I spent 15 minutes explaining the concept of Dante’s Divine Comedy to Kelly Davis tonight, after recounting how I had to correct an angry Jewish woman about it at the Getty on Saturday. She insisted that it wasn’t posted anywhere for her to see what year Dante wrote it (and she was angry about it – I’m not embellishing a cultural stereotype, here). Before I could stop myself, I muttered that it was in the 1400’s. She told me I was wrong. I eventually found a sign to point to, to correct her, but inside I was thinking: ask me if my obsession with Robert and Jean Hollander would allow for a wrong answer. Ask me!

I hesitate to admit that transactions like that take place every day, because I’d hate for it to sound like I correct elderly Jewish women every day, but even after all that: I’d tell you I’m not a nerd. And not just to prove that Lesley’s ownership is providing false testimony. Oh but wait - Sean is a nerd because he “took some AP classes.” Looks like they’re meant for each other, in their trendy, hipster nerd-ery.
- Now the two are in a VERY unfortunate philosophical, 50 Shades debate about “taking control.” And I can see Sean’s tongue. And they don’t know what to do with their champagne glasses. 
- They say some rather strange things about where they see this going, he gives her the rose, she dangles it off of a balcony and they make out… There’s confetti… She says the words “falling” and “magic,” and Grace thinks Sean is REEEEALLY diggin’ the Lez. 

*Memorable quotes: 
- “My Dad likes to do things that are outside of the norm.” Just like you like to “play pranks,” Sean? Cause my Dad likes to do things that are out of the norm, like this: 

Or another fan-favorite, denim on denim:

But to drive the contiguous states, JUST to set a record? That’s a terrible waste of money, Seannyroo. - Lesley “Has no idea what they’re going to do"? (...So did she just MISS all the "Longest on-screen kiss" signs?)
- So Sean’s idea of “cranking up the romance” is gluing your lips to another human’s for four minutes. Take note of this, Lesley. 
- “He’s starting to cop a feel now.” Thanks for that one, Hare. 
- Lez says it’s “like it’s just the two of us.” I hope you don’t actually laugh against his face, fist pump and breathe through your nose against his face when it’s “just the two of you,” Lez. 
- “Lesley is a great kisser.” More like: she’s great at moving her hands around in your hair. Because one cannot gauge a kisser, based on what these two are doing with their lips right now. 
- Sean: What do you see out of your own family? 
Lesley: LOVE. But I’m afraid that I won’t find it. I’m afraid that I won’t marry a man who still wants to hold my hand. 
Sean: Maybe that man is right next to you. 
Grace: is there ANYONE on this show whose geriatric parents DON’T “still hold hands”? 
*Questions I have: 
- I’m sorry… But where was I when they were filming this date?! I was  literally in front of the Guinness Museum FORTY EIGHT HOURS AGO.
- Did they talk about how they were going to keep breathing? Cause that’s a lot of nasal breathing, against one’s face, and I have a THING about nasal breathing.

4) Meanwhile, back on the farm:

*AshLee reads the date card. Which makes me think that she’s getting the last one on one date.
*AshLee doesn’t like “activity.” Hope you noted that, Sean. Bet she doesn't like pranks, either.


Robyn is the first out of the limo. She is pumped to see Sean. 
- Craaaaazy Amanda (is that even her name?) says she’s “probably the most competitive one in the house.” I’LL BET. 
- Sean says his nose is his “money maker” and the girls GUFFAW like it’s the first joke they’ve ever heard in their LIFE. He then took forty five minutes to take his shirt off. And Leslie put sunscreen on his man boobs.
- Hare is responsible for picking teams. This should be great. 
- Catherine’s enthusiasm is a little overwhelming right now, but I’m still not upset about it… Ok wait. Wait, why is she all of the sudden reflecting on the “game” on a beach that looks like it’s… in the Caribbean?! That ocean is NOT in California. Dude. I bet they totally did pick-ups for this by the time they made it to the international dates. DEZ IS DOING IT NOW, TOO. Editors, you fail me.
- I’m going to assume that the blue team wins, based on the fact that we hear so much from Kacie this episode, but maybe I’ve inhaled too much sand. 
- Taryn has now taken it WAY too far by saying that it’s a fight to the death for a guy that they might be with, forever. Whoa, Taryn. Whoa. 
- Ok Kristi is having SUCH a hard time with the red team’s loss right now. I mean she’s really coming unglued about this. 
- I mean, it’s one thing to be tired, dehydrated and sunburned after a day at the beach, but to then do INTERVIEWS, drenched in said sun damage and DEFEAT? Ah Bachelor franchise, you found a winner with this one. 

*Questions I have: 
Anyone else having flashbacks to the softball date where Blakely lost her MIND over losing that game? 
- …Is Sean even playing? 

* Memorable quotes: 
- Taryn says “red is for love so we’re going to win.” That’s BY FAR the most insightful sentence she’s constructed. Ever. 


- Robyn is going to be completely socially awkward and over-zealous in her time with Sean, I’m calling it now. (Update: we saw NONE of Robyn and Sean. I am so disappointed.)
- Kacie is gonna be psychotic. I can’t wait.
- I’m gonna vote that the Rookie editor was the one in charge of the editing of Dez and her feelings about Amanda, as we see her “overhearing” Mandy’s conversation with Sean.  

*Memorable Quotes:
Lindsay wastes absolutely ZERO time in telling Sean, verbatim, that she is amazed by him and that he is everything he’s looking for, on paper and “she feels chemistry. Like, I don’t need constant attention but I just wanna like, look at you across the room and like, you know what I’m like, thinking.”
 Dez is officially on my nerves. Sean feels like he will never get tired of hanging out with her. “I think differently, I think, than a lot of people.” Ok, Dez. Sure you do.
- Amanda is looking just as CRAAAAZY as usual – oh wait she just played the “if we were to get married,” card. Too soon, Mandy.
- “I feel like I’ve been punched in the face.” Oh, Kacie. You play that crazy card right now, you PLAY IT.
Oh, remember that time Kacie had the audacity to say the words “rock and a hard spot”?? Hi, Kacie, this is Grace. From TENNESSEE. Don’t you pull that Southern card on me and NOT manage to recall that it’s “rock and a hard PLACE.”

* Observations:
- I mean, just like Lez negating the whole thing by calling herself a nerd, Kacie goes and negates the whole “veteran” thing by INSISTING THAT SHE’S A VETERAN AND SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING… And then… just… needing to put her foot in her mouth about whatever horribly-strategized “drama exposure” she just set up for Sean. I was in the fetal position for most of it.

* AshLee is READY to receive her one on one date and has been practicing her “I’m totes surprised that it’s me!” face, for the past three hours.
* Ok I’m sorry, but I gotta give fifteen points to Tiara, on that one. Sarah doesn’t think it’s very funny, to call out two names on the date card, but she’s obviously never seen the show before. HELLO: if it were a two on one date, they’d all be screwed and the house would be in shambles from the tension by the end of the night. Well played, Tiara.

8) AshLee’s date:

* Questions I have:
- What would it be like for one of these women to actually commit to commentary about how wretched and manipulative other girls in the house can be? If the Bachelor Shrink were interviewing me in that moment, there’d be none of this “I JUST THINK she’s the boy who cried wolf.” Or “It’s like she really wants attention, or something.” I’d give it to the BachShrink (cameras) straight up: “Tiara has the maturity of an infant, who cries as long as their parents are in sight, so they keep the attention. There’s nothing complex about this.”
- Did the hairy boom microphone guy forget to give AshLee the DATE date card, that said something like, “DON’T WEAR THE SHORTEST DRESS EVER, OK?” Because girl was NOT dressed for an a) Jeep ride or b) theme park. Yikes.
- Remember that time the two cyber-turned-real-life-BFFs had to do girlfriend dancing while Sean and AshLee tried to have a romantic moment? Anyone?

* Memorable Quotes:
AshLee is really delighted to tell her story to “ someone I’m falling in love with.” aSHlEE. (first of all: see what I had to do, just to capitalize your name?) IT’S YOUR FIRST DATE. LET’S JUST. SLOW. DOWN.

9) Cocktail Party (Where the Crazies come out to play)

*Memorable Quotes:
As we started watching the cocktail party, Carolyn says: “YES. This music always means great things.”
- When Sean had the limo pulling up for Sarah while she was glottal frying/whimpering, “You caaaaan’t  do this to meeeee,” Carolyn looked at the limo and said, “Please say it’s an arm.”
- And THIS is the kind of life-ruining that I’m talking about America’s Sweetheart doing – we all know Sarah isn’t going to be around forever. She’s just not. But now, we have to hate ourselves, as we watch how selfless and thoughtful Sean is, as well as inwardly cringe, because we KNOW Sare-Bear is going to be devastated when she has to return home to Leo. (Although, when I saw that he brought her dog to her, I turned to Carolyn and said: “If  Sean did that for me – literally brought Catie to my arms, I would no joke, put him on my back and carry him out of there, to wherever we were going to elope.”) And no big deal, but all of the pictures below were sent within the last two weeks. I get two to three pictures a day of this dog. My obsession knows no bounds. Like I said: I (Grace) would pick him (Sean) up and carry him out on my back – up that strangely ALWAYS rain-soaked driveway…

- Sean tells Tiara that it’s worth sticking it out: “he knows the process and it has worked for him before.” How has it “worked for you before,” Sean? The time Emily chewed your heart up and spit it out? Or the time she let Jef spit it out for you, and then broke up with him, too? Just curious.

- I’ve decided that they must find women for this show that have NEVER MET A REAL LIVE MAN BEFORE. All this talk about Sean being perfect? My mom used to (still does, really) have a saying: “If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.” These are certainly the most cynical words to ever come out of that woman’s mouth; she is not a pessimist. But if I find the words, “he’s perfect,” rolling out of my mouth, you can bet my next question is, “so what’s the catch?” I’m not saying there’s a catch with Sean, necessarily. (Except for the crappy yuk yuk jokez) But the “he’s perfect” has GOT. TO. STOP.

*Questions I have:
Dez… why are you still waiting on that couch? Why?

So Kristi the Ford Model and Taryn the... 30 something mute got sent home. Oh, as did Kacie B. GO BACK TO CLARKSVILLE, KACIE. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. GIVE IT UP. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Episode 3: TBA (To Be Annotated)

So let's look at a run-down of last night's events:

1) I started watching it through a live stream on Eastern Time and Lez and Sean had juuuust sealed the deal for longest on-screen kiss (it must have been sooooo strenuous) and the computer froze. And once it was conscious again, it said the channel was "offline." SUH-WEET.
2) My engineer consultant, Joshua Albee had advised me via his Grace Informant, Lisel Albee, to pick up a 12$ antennae set at Best Buy, for our TV, so we could get network channels.
3) So my roommate and I trekked to Best Buy, DETERMINED to watch this show. We picked up a 15$ antenna and a 20$ antenna and proceeded to ask our new best friend, Ramen, if we really needed the 20$ one, or if we could skate by with the 15$ one... Carolyn insisted that she "didn't want a fuzzy picture."
Grace: That is a non-cable MYTH. Just because we don't have cable doesn't mean we're going to have a fuzzy picture.
Carolyn: Well, whenever I went over to friends' houses when I was a kid, if they didn't have cable, they had a fuzzy picture...
Grace: I'm pretty sure the Douglas Family was the ONLY family to not have cable 15 years ago, and you definitely weren't over at my house, so I really think this is some kind of deeply-rooted instance of transferral or something...

After witnessing the above exchange, Ramen said "I mean, either way you're going to have to adjust the antennae around to get good reception..."

Carolyn was still stewing about the fuzzy picture before I plucked the box out of her hands and muttered something like, "Come on, this will make for better stories to tell your kids about your post-grad days..."

Covering all of our bases, I quizzed Ramen, "So even if our TV is from 1997, this thing will plug into it and we can access ABC?"
Ramen: Oh yes. Wait...
Grace: WAIT?! Why was there a "wait," in there?
Ramen: Well if it's an old TV, you'll have to get an analog to digital converter box for 60$.
Ramen: if it's an old TV, this antenna will connect to it and it will get analog channels... But there almost all digital, here...

I nearly withered into a puddle of despair right then and there, but I begrudgingly nodded at Ramen and got my Cable consult on the phone. They said our chances of success were low, but we might as well try...

........We tried.

No avail.

So we watched West Wing instead.

I know most of America is waiting with baited breath on the edge of their seats for my commentary - not to worry: it will be up by the end of the night...

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

You're a Vegan but you WHAT?!

For the record: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

And as always: shoutout to my inspiration and MY FAVE WRITER OF ALL THINGS RELATED TO OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON, Lincee:

She even took the time to respond to my message (no one need bother feigning surprise that I friended her on facebook, over two years ago) and now she has the “Be Frie” and I have the “St Ends” of a friendship necklace. The rest is history.

        Ahem, I would like to begin by acknowledging Amy Poehler’s  witty remark at the Golden Globes that “Homeland is a great show. But I’ll tell you what: it’s not as great as that show that comes on before it: “Previously on Homeland. Man, that thing is action packed.” Because tonight, prior to the show we all know and love, we witnessed:


Kacie. That black dress with the sheer cleavage. I’m still asking myself why.

        Props to a fellow Bachelor Expert, Katie Bocksel, for commenting last week, “Maybe he knew ahead of time that he wouldn’t remember anyone’s name, so he decided to give the roses out as he went?” Which begs the question: anyone remember when Jesse Palmer gave a girl a rose then had to stop to talk to C. Harrison in the middle of the rose ceremony because he’d given a rose to the wrong girl, by accident? Both Hare and Jesse proceeded to tell Mistake Girl that she wasn’t meant to get a rose but gave her the option to stay, if she wanted.

Fortunately, that hasn’t happened to Sean… yet.

2)      We then see our other favorite show: TONIGHT, ON THE BACHELOR.

We hear somebody’s voiceover declaring that this is “the biggest dream come true of my life, so far” – can’t WAIT to see what that’s gonna be…

Sean announces that they’re doing a photoshoot with the “most trusted name in romance”…I’m gonna guess Harlequin? Is it embarrassing that I know that? Should I not admit to that being my first guess?

3)      One on One Date: Sarah

Sean is working out this morning. I’m shocked. But really, tell me this: does he do MORE reps, because the camera is on him, or LESS? I just wanna know. Greg Kaplan, I need your expert input, here.

Hare enters the house and tells the ladies that he “sees this happening for Sean” because “he’s perhaps the most genuine bachelor we’ve ever had.” So… being genuine and “the process” are related? Does anyone else feel like they’ve missed out on that memo, for the past 16 seasons?

Sarah goes to get ready for her date. The other 19 girls go to get ready for the six seconds that Sean sees them before the helicopter takes off…

Kacie, I’m just curious - are you regretting your decision to come back, yet? Did the helicopter put you over the edge, maybe?

Ah, and then we come to understand that the “BIGGEST DREAM COME TRUE OF MY LIFE SO FAR,” was said by Sarah. About riding in a helicopter. Where it’s so rumbly and choppy that you can’t even enjoy holding hands and you REALLY can’t enjoy a simple task like talking. Biggest. Dream. Come. True.

 I also need to point out that Sarah said the words “fairy tale” and “falling in love” while she was clearly being interviewed, pre-date. Sarah. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

        Blah blah blah, they jump off a building… I took a “Psychology of Romantic Relationships” class in college (It was a great class. We totally didn’t have clearance for it cause it was a 400 level class for junior and senior Psych majors, but somehow when 3 of us signed up, we weren’t denied) and we learned that high-staked adrenaline-charged activities like this are good for building chemistry and attraction. Because in these instances, one often doesn’t discriminate between the feeling of adrenaline from say, repelling 35 stories, and the feeling of attraction to the other person. Oh look, whaddaya know: my girl Sarah proves it for us, here, with: “Looking up at the building we’d just come down from… It was a whirlwind of emotion.”
Was it really, Sarah? Was it truly a whirlwind?

My only question: how old was Sarah, for this zip lining incident in Vegas that she detailed, for Sean? Cause they’re two totally different things, to imagine her Dad telling her to find a strong man who will encourage her, when she’s seventeen… Or when she’s nine.  And didn’t she say that the dude told her she couldn’t do it because it was against the law? Juuuust curious.

Ohhhh Sarah’s gonna fall hard. I can see it now. She’s gonna be on cloud nine about this date for about a week and then the doubt will start to creep in. And just like Mermaid Barbie last week, she’ll “try not to let it sink in,” but it will be hard. There will be tears. Lots of tears.

4)      GROUP DATE:


Tierra: “It’s time to kick some butt out.” Tierra, there are so many colloquialisms that you confused in this sentence that I will not even take the time to break them down.

NamasteKatie is trying to stay positive about it; I’m guessing she did some sun salutations before her interview.

Sean is anxious to see how the girls react to the news that they’re doing a photo-shoot. Grace is anxious to see how Sean’s grandmother is going to react.

HARLEQUIN. I KNEW IT. Disclaimer: I knew about it mostly because of my exorbitant knowledge of commedia dell'arte, but regardless:

Wait. This whole set-up is genius.
1)      The Harlequin photographers choosing who has “the best connection” with Sean?
Yes. I say YES to this.
2)      Every girl is now going to INSIST that they can “capture the romance/strongest connection” the best.
3)      And if nothing else: Kristy is in her element, people.

And then we cut to Tiara, talking to Sean.
Ok, anyone who replies to “you could have a dark side” with “no I don’t,”…..does have a dark side.
Then she says, “I have a good… glow… of life.” A glow. Of life. Tiara. Your ability to be articulate is astounding right now.


Alright, Lesley M is winning with these photos right now. So committed to her character. Even with her puffed up prancing around DC with the fake red file folder we saw when we first met her, I wouldn’t have pegged her to have a such a strong showing on this date.

Kristy tries to sound sound catty, but I think she’s a closet sweetheart (normal) and I’m not really believing that much of it? Good try for villainy, ABC.
OH OH WAIT SHE’S GRINDING, UP IN SEANS’ GRILLE. I’m pretty sure Sean’s grandmother just dove under the covers.

A pool party. I’m shocked.

Kristy celebrates getting a three-book contract, which is actually a huge boost for Harlequin, because now, Bachelor fans across the nation will be combing the (very slim) fiction section at Walgreens, trying to find the cover with Kristy and Sean…
(And here’s the thing about Kristy: sure, she was stoked about a three-book deal, and yeah, she likes to talk about how she’s good at modeling… but we’re not seeing her actually trash the other girls… ABC probably wanted to make her the Courtney of this season, but it’s just not working out.)

Judging from that fat smile on Sean’s face in the interview that’s happening right now, I’m gonna vote that there was a makeout sesh with Lesley… Oh she’s definitely 100% waiting for him to make the first move, here.
…But he doesn’t. “Apparently my body language sucked.” Well, I’ll give you 10 points for self-awareness, Lez.  

Wait, now she’s pulled Sean aside a SECOND time. OH SHE’S GOING FOR IT. HERE IT IS.
Ok wait. Lesley. Don’t do it and then talk ALL about it. We learned this lesson REALLY well with Jamie Otis on Ben’s season – hello?! Don’t dissect it. Just… shhhh...

Daniella is a blonde Tierra. That is all.

Kacie B, sweetheart, he just tried to give you a way out by saying “I didn’t know you saw me as more than a friend.” That means, “I’m not attracted to you.”

Kacie didn’t take the bait.

Sean: “It’s been a transition for me. I have to shift you from “good friend” over to “more than friends, now.” To her credit, Kacie asks him if that is a shift he wants to make.
He says some really vague things that make it look like he’s just not up for breaking her heart tonight.

And here’s Catherine with: “So you’re gonna hear this a lot: I’m vegan but I love the beef.”
…Am I missing something? Does this have some kind of hidden meaning besides the fifth grade boy one that I'm thinking of? ‘Cause it seems like they both think it’s HILARIOUS. And Catherine looks like she’s about 12, as she’s talking about it in an interview right now. Why are her cheeks so rosy? She legit looks twelve years old.

Aaaand Alice Cullen/Selma is loving her some one on one time with Sean right now. Ok whoa there, Tierra is loving her some one on one time with broccoli right now.

Sean pulls Tierra aside in the same way that I see parents pull their son or daughter aside to explain to them how to use your words when you get upset, instead of just hitting people.

She spouts a wealth of obscure vagaries that includes: “I’m pursuing you for a reason.” Tiara, that line will not work on Sean. He's read John Eldredge's "Wild At Heart." 
(Also, sidenote: that “open heart” thing is still on her finger. Which makes me wonder if it’s a tattoo, and not just a Sharpie drawing. Which makes me wonder if she was completely feeding Sean a line, when she got out of the limo. And listen, I’m all about the lines. Feed that boy lines that are witty. Feed him lines with puns. But don’t you DARE feed him a fake line about a tattoo that you got in Cabo on Spring Break of Senior year, ok?)

NamasteKatie has completely given up on any semblance of a brush and I’m not mad about it.
Perhaps she’s surrounded by really, really normal people in her everyday existence, because girl is getting really stressed out right now. And somehow thinks it’s a good reason to listen to Kacie B softly coax her into leaving… Oh she’s going home. Bye bye, Katie. Namaste. Woof:Sean didn’t even TRY to talk her out of it.

Daniella is getting a little intoxicated. I think she’s gonna be the “really fun drunk one” circa Natalie, from Jason’s season, or Jaclyn, from Ben’s season. Who doesn’t go very far, but is much beloved by all the girls. Both in states of sobriety and intoxication.

Wow. I really, actually didn’t think he would do that.

Wait did the two of them not have any post-date one on one time? Was it so vanilla and one color that they didn’t even bother airing it? I wonder… We all know Kacie can’t go all the way to the end – I get the sense that this might be a consolation prize before he sends her packing, pretty soon…
Then she says: “I’m not going to quit because something is hard or uncomfortable.” Can we all take a moment to agree on the fact that Kacie is giving herself a LITTLE too much credit here, for “sticking it out” through this tough… season of The Bachelor? If it were a season of “Juice Cleanse, 2013” or “Raise A Teething Infant by Yourself Right Now,” sure. SURE, she’d be sticking it out. But international travel and shutting out some crying psychos?

(Yes, I know it’s spelled “Arnaz,” but don’t ruin my poetry, ok?)

“I want a girl with a great sense of humor.” No Sean, you want a girl who likes your sense of humor. The yuk yuk jokes are coming. I can feel it; they’re coming.


Ok there’s definitely nothing funny about this prank business. “People face uncomfortable situations in life. I wanna see how she handles it.” Convincing her that she destroyed an expensive piece of art?! That’s just cruel and unusual.

“Hopefully she can take a joke.” THIS IS MORE THAN TAKING A JOKE, SEAN. How could she possibly “take it well”?!

 If I a) found out it was a prank, I would start crying with relief that I didn’t owe anyone 1.5 million dollars. And b) if I found out that Sean planned it (or at least endorsed it), I would walk out. Immediately.

How did this disheveled artist gain access a church near Chernobyl, Art Gallery LadyThat’s the question you should have asked, Dez. That would've blown the lid off pretty quickly...

Oh Dez totally knows it’s a joke. She’s smiling. AND IF SHE’S NOT SOBBING IN THE FETAL POSITION ABOUT THE 1.5 MILLION DOLLARS, she’s gotta know it was a joke.

“She was such a great sport.” WHAT ON EARTH?! THERE WERE 1.5 MILLION DOLLARS AT STAKE, SEAN.
After he reveals the joke and Dez didn’t run away screaming like she should have, he says they’re going to head back to his place, “where he’s got dinner waiting,” and Dez’s eyes widen, asking if it’s burned since it’s probably been in the oven for a long time.

Dear Dez, I’m going to let you in on a little secret right now: in your interview, you’ll wanna say “Sean made this great dinner for us,” and on a grander scale later on, you’ll wanna say “Sean had this great date planned…”
No. No he did not. No he did not plan those dates and no he did not make that dinner.

Ohhhh Dez gets a check in EVERY box on Sean’s list, when they go through their parents and upbringing. Dez is gonna go far. JP got the dinner date at the Bachelorette Pad with Ashley, if you remember. I’m just saying.

Her parents are “the cutest people she’s ever known in her life”?
…I don’t share this sentiment.

Now Dez the Arnez is getting Sean to check off more boxes with phrases like, “Yeah, I mean, that was just the way I was raised. Like, put others before yourself, you know?”
1)      Just out of curiosity… Was anyone raised specifically to put themselves above others?
2)  Ok but if she were truly raised in this highly moral home of which she is speaking, SHE WOULD HAVE FREAKED OUT ABOUT THE ONE AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS. Cause some of us WERE actually raised in those homes and in addition to putting others before ourselves, we had to Take. Responsibility. If that thing breaks and you're the only one in the room, you're responsible and you're paying for it. 
3)      Either Dez the Arnez was on a Checklist high, from getting Sean to check off so many boxes, that she just kept rambling, OR this is the line ABC used to suffice for what probably included: “I was raised in the church.” Checks AND stars in that box on Sean’s list, Dez.

        They’re now having a deep conversation on the side of the hot tub. I can’t decide what I think about it. I WILL say that when Sean remarked that The Arnaz was the first one to see every side of him, and he prefaced it with, “You wanna know a secret?” that was the first time I’d ever watched him say something and thought: Ok, Sean. That was sexy.” (Because let’s face it: while it might have been sexy, otherwise, Sean’s running through the streets of Prague, calling Emily’s name was just about the most staged thing EVER.)
Oh Sean REEEEALLY The Dez . Rose, rose, rose, makeout, makeout, rose… (Really? They didn’t play a single game of Categories in the pool?)


Lindsay, the drunken bride, tries to make up for her… previous antics. She seems pretty non-crazy. She clearly knows what she’s doing, as she references her parents’ strong relationship, while Sean checks that off the list, right above the “wants to grow old with a best friend” requirement.

Dear Sean: you aren’t “scared that Lindsay all of the sudden came up on your radar” you’re scared that YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS CRAZY AND SHE TURNED OUT TO BE SEMI NOT-CRAY (as far as you can tell…)

Apparently the girls think that some chick named Amanda is hot and cold yet also standoffish. I’m sorry… who? Was she even on the group date? Has she been flying under the radar until now, or have they just not been airing all the girls whining about her?

Oh we come back from the commercial break and this Amanda girl has a mug. A MUG, PEOPLE, SHE’S OFFICIALLY OFF HER ROCKER! What’s next?

Robyn pulls Sean aside to grill him about his “type.” Before we go any further, I need to remark that Sean just uttered the words “it don’t matter.”
…I will let that phrase speak for itself.

Robyn, let’s address some things: First of all: “I’ve noticed the variety of ethnicity.”  Secondly: “You’re just so… (insert circular hand gesture here) yeahhhh.”
1)      When you make a big statement like that, you need to specify. That you’ve noticed there’s a bigger variety of ethnicity ON THIS SEASON. It makes for a much clearer presentation of your ideas.
2)      I’m sorry, but are we in agreement that Robyn is totally one of those girls who will gush about how much she “loves it” that Sean is one of those guys that “just gets her”? Case in point: she circled her hand around in the air, letting that suffice for her words, instead of articulating “Wow. You are in such passionate pursuit of a genuine heart that you don’t see skin color. And that is hott.” Sean, to his credit, knew that this was the sentiment that she was getting at, and affirmed her for such. She will now insist that “they don’t need words,” and so forth. To which I say: STAND UP AND TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ARTICULATION OF YOUR IDEAS.

Alice Cullen apparently missed the vampire-vision of the future that would have told her that Sean was LYING when he said he was fluent in Farsi.

I love that we’re hearing how CRAAAAAZY Amanda is, but we have yet to see or hear her say a single word... I'm gonna vote that the Big Shot Editors left the room at this point in their work on the episode, slapping the Rookie Editor on the back and telling him to "have fun making a villain!" and "don't let us down, kid!" Left to his own devices, this is the villain that Rookie came up with. Not too shabby. Not too accurate, either, but not too shabby... 

Dez the Arnez just remarked that shes “so tired of people being manipulated.”
…I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that she meant to say manipulative, but that’s just a guess. Sure, a guess that is very heavily rooted on the blatant lack of elucidation these girls seem to possess this season.


Hare gives a preemptive Rose Ceremony speech that does nothing but maybe vaguely hint that he’s gearing up for some pretty psychotic exits tonight.
Roses go to:
1)      aShLeE
2)      Drunken Bride
3)      Robyn, who needs no words
4)      Jackie, the birthday girl
5)      Lesley M, who is ready to be Sean's First Lady
6)      Selma/Alice Cullen
7)      Catherine, the Vegan who likes beef
8)      Kristy, who will be coming to a Walgreens near you any day now.
9)      Leslie H, who was wearing some semblence of a wedding dress tonight
10)   Tiara
11)   Taryn, who we've maybe heard four words from
12)   Daniella (who no longer looks like a blonde Tiara right now, but more like Bridgette Wilson Sampras)
13)   OH DUH AMANDA WAS GETTING THE FINAL ROSE, WE KNEW THAT. She hasn’t been overtly crazy enough to drive the other girls to fake advise (gossip) to Sean about her…

Brandy and Maggie Gyllenhaal said goodbye to us tonight, with Brandy remarking: “I was excited about love. But love just wasn’t here.”
I’m racking my brain for an appropriate cliché reply to this, about where to look for love, but alas, I’m drawing a blank.

And finally we see Lesley and her knowledge of Greek Mythology. Dear Lesley, will you please be my Best Friend Forever? Kthanks.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Season Premiere

For starters, I still feel like a total poser, “blogging” about this show. This whole thing needs to be dedicated to my Blogging Mentor, Lincee Ray.

Oh... is Lincee Ray my older sister, perhaps? No.
Have we met? No.
"Blogging Mentor" is a total exaggeration: I'm just a complete stranger, who adores her blog.

            1)     She is much funnier than I.
         2)     I've been reading her blog for YEARS. It was the only thing that would get me
                 through the 90 minute AP European History class I had after lunch on Tuesdays
                 in high school.
         3)     She made blogging cool. I wasn't ashamed to tell people I read a blog when I showed
           them her writing, because it’s HILARIOUS. (Ok I’m still totally ashamed to admit
           that I read blogs about The Bachelor, but I send her stuff to EVERYONE)
         4)     Lincee, if you feel that I am infringing upon your work in any kind of plagiaristic, unethical way, you say the word and I will shut this thing down. I only want to be as cool as you. And any writing of mine that resembles yours is due to the fact that I've been reading your work for years now. If this were The Renaissance, I’d be your apprentice and aspire to be just like you, in whatever guild we worked for. I’m going to vote that we’d either be in a band of Traveling Players, that did shows in those rolling carts, or we’d make Illuminated Manuscripts. (I’m pretty sure Illuminated Manuscripts a) way preceded the Renaissance and b) were made by monks, but who’s counting?)

I also need the record to show that this is solely for the purpose of entertaining. I will take a page from Lincee’s book and ask you to observe a simple disclaimer: I don’t know anyone on this show and I don’t have anything against any of them.
(I “take that page,” because Lincee posts a disclaimer… However, fearing that my comments might be a little less kind than hers, I really want the record to show that I’m only here to entertain the people…)

So without further ado, here’s my running commentary from the Season Premiere of Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor:

        First of all, Sean comes from a family that makes what I like to call “Yuk yuk jokes.” Claire Douglas may be the only person who knows what I’m talking about, but remember when his Dad pulled something like a fried armadillo out of the oven, on the hometown date with Emily? I’m talking STUPID JOKES, after which the jester makes a “yuk yuk yuk” sound.
        All that to say: I’m surprised his time with the fam in this episode was so… not-joke-infused. (Unless you count his nieces and nephews running into his arms SIXTEEN TIMES a joke…)
        Why they had Arie show up, I do not know. Why their conversation was so stiffly scripted, I do not know. But stuffy script or no, two dudes talking about breakups and making out is somehow infinitely more hilarious than two girls…
        Sidenote: BUT REALLY, why so many shirtless shots of Sean? I mean, I know why, but… why? Seriously, if I wanted to see that tricep workout, I’d go to the gym. Is this the Biggest Loser? Stop wasting my time/don’t patronize me by implying that I only want to see shots of the shirtless dude, ABC.


Desiree: first of all, anyone who says their name followed by “but people call me _____” is not doing good things. Dear Desi Arnaz: you let people EARN the right to call you by your nickname. Otherwise, you may do us all a favor and skip the Desiree part and just introduce yourself as Dez. Also, the one wedding dress that we saw a client of yours wearing (or let’s be real: was it your little sister?) was HIDEOUS and you told her she looked beautiful. All our faith in you as Mary Fiore just went STRAIGHT out the window… (Also, before she and Matthew McConaughey ran through what I'm sure was a shower of brown M&M's after their reception, she would not toss the bouquet and hit a chandelier. It would totally land in the hands of an Italian Justin Chambers.)

Tierra: Have people mistakenly called you “Tiara” all your life? Have they? I see nothing from you but aimless ambling around the city of Denver and talking about bringing home a Daddy for your yappy dog (although I’m more interested in the cute dog than I am in you) And I’m more impressed by my use of three “a” words in a row in that last sentence, than I am by ANY footage of you.

Robin: You’re looking a little stilted, sweetie. And it looks like you just chucked a rock in an attempt to kill a pigeon, just now. Ok wait now she’s putting post-it notes up in her apartment and doing handstands. I think I want to be friends with her. And she has GREAT hair.

Diana: do you really make your daughter wear a bike helmet to go down a slide? And wait… You “had a hard time developing that mad, deep passionate love” before or after you got married? I just have some questions… Another question being: Are you Maggie Gyllenhaal’s sister?

Sarah:  You need to go. Immediately.
1) your face doesn't move.
2) You didn't use a SINGLE downward inflection.
3) You’re “passionate about your career” whose description involved “advertising” and “design.” We’re done here.
4) Oh – and that phone call where you dropped the term “print layout” was entirely faked. Stilted Robin did a better job faking her phone calls about engineering.
5) Oh wait, there it is. ABC just turned the tables on us. I’d be real mad if my umbilical cord was responsible for amputating my arm in utero…
 (Side note: 1-4 were typed before I saw her making an omelet with one hand.)

Ashley: “I don’t know why I’m still single” and “ I've actively searched for a boyfriend,” not to mention “it’s me and my cat” and the obsession with Christian Grey? SIT DOWN.

Leslie: you do nothing involving government, stop walking around DC with that fake file in your hands. YOU’RE FROM ARKANSAS? I spent 24 hours there, once. I have no wish to go back. I think this girl’s going places with Sean, though.

Kristy: “Ford is the number one modeling agency. It’s juuuust crazy.” I don’t like this chick. “The other girls won’t like me?” Ughhhh we have another Courtney on our hands, circa Ben Flajnik’s season…

AshLee: Here’s the real Mary Fiore. “You cannot organize love.” The truth, indeed. Whoaaa girl is getting emotional right now. I bet she’s gonna go far, too. I think I’m gonna start spelling my name “GrayC.” (I should also take a moment to give a special shout out to a one Sarah Steele, who heard my name for the first time as Gray Stouglas. I've worked on my enunciation since then…)


- Organizer AshLee: Bad pick up line. But you have a nice dress. Did you organize it in your hotel room? “Oh and I’m really happy it’s you.” Not a bad choice.
- Jackie: Don’t put your mark on him. Please don’t. Noooo. She’s pulling out the lipstick. Ohhh she’s doing it. Stoppppp.

ASHLEY GREENE IS ON THIS SEASON? Oh. Her name is Selma. And she just pulled a wrinkled Kleenex out of her chest. Not a classy move, Selma.

- Leslie: ohhhh I like her. She’s comfortable with herself. Ohhhh wait she just lost me on “Mr. McSteamy.” Please don’t do that.

- Daniella: starts with, “So I was thinking…” I DON’T THINK YOU WERE THINKING, DANIELLA. Girl is nervous. And hello: no secret handshake is worth it unless it’s the handshake from The Parent Trap.

- Kelly: from Nashville? No you’re not. Cruise ship entertainer? Kelly, I don’t know if you've ever looked at a map (ever) but Tennessee is landlocked.
Don’t si- PLEASE DON’T SING. Oh great, she’s singing. Her nervous face is terrible. Whoa, Sean’s game face is NOT. BAD. Stay cool, Sean. Stay cool, the singing will end eventually. Kelly, let's get some more hairspray.

- Katie: cute dress. But don’t teach him yoga. But werk that curly hair, gUrL. Ohhhh she’s barefoot. Namaste, indeed.

- Ashley: Don’t do Fifty Shades. “Have you read any good books lately?”
        Ashley. I applaud you for at least having a segue into this terrible idea of yours, but did you NOT consider that his answer was probably going to be “THE BIBLE.”?!?!

- Taryn: Well. Sean thinks she’s gorgeous. Ohhhh I kind of like her. Whoaa Sean got sassy: “You might wanna start by telling me your name.”
I’m not upset by this.

- Catherine: Whoaaa Sean is enchanted. Stop wiggling your shoulders, Cat. “Find me for a dance”? No. Please don’t let there be dancing.

- Robyn: please don’t say anything awkward. Or in Spanish. OH SHE TURNED HER BACK. AND FLIPPED OVER. AND SHE FELL. At least she said she was embarrassed and didn’t try and pretend it didn’t happen.

- Lacey: your extensions aren’t working for me. Neither is your chest. Neither is your “heart of Lace.”

- Paige: Good dress. Bachelor Pad 3 was “kind of short lived for you”? THAT’S what we’re saying about it? “I saw the process can really work.” What process, Paige? Getting conned out of 250k? That process?

Oh there’s a prom dress from Dillard’s. IT’S TIARA. Wait she’s giving me seventh grade giddy and I don’t hate it. I bet he’s gonna LOV- oh wait. He went to go get her a rose, didn't he? Given the excited tones of her voiceover/interview, I’m gonna vote that he went to get her a ro- yep. He’s talking to Hare about it. There it is. I do NOT want to deal with her attitude after this rose bestowal. She will literally be unbearable. Anyone remember Stephanie, who got the First Impression Rose from Lieutenant Andy Baldwin?

She reminds me of her. You “hope it doesn’t cause any tension”?! REALLY, SEAN?! Catherine then describes Tierra with the rose as an “Animal attack on the eyballs.” I like you, Catherine.

- Amanda: There’s an awkward pause… at the beginning of a relationship? Or the beginning of meeting someone? I understand what you were going for, here, but it didn’t work…

- Keriann: Don’t guilt him into keeping you around by telling him you chose to drive! Dude. Remember the girl who sold her car to come on the show? Yep, this girl. Lorenzo’s season. (The same season that Erica Rose “flew coach” to meet him)

- Dez: NO HE MAY NOT CALL YOU DEZ. Wishes in the fountain. Not bad.

- Sarah: “Is this how you always imagined falling in love?” Not a bad question… Until you tell him that this IS how you envisioned it? What?

BRANDY IS ON THIS SEASON?! Oh wait. Her name is Brooke.

- Diana: Don’t ask him to “start by calling it a night” and leaving with you. WHOA Sean came back with a zinger: “Can we start with this? You tell me your name?” (After he awkwardly turned down her offer…)

- Lesley: Ohhhh look at Lez, with a football, she likes sports, she’s every guy’s dreammmm. You just wanted to admire his… no.

- Kristy: “Sean did you invite these girls? Cause I didn’t.” I know you practiced that line in the mirror a lot, but it was still weird.

- Ashley: You are not the Barbie to his Ken in that dress, you are the mermaid to his merman.
No, I don’t mean the one that ate Bradley Whitford in Cabin in the Woods,

I’m thinking more… THIS:

- Lauren: Don’t take him home and feed him. Don’t. Noooo a message from the dad. Please don’t. “If you break my heart he’s going to break your legs.” Were you trying to show him you have a close-knit family? Cause that wasn’t the way to do it.

THE WEDDING DRESS. WHY?! Even the limo driver hates it. OH SHE WENT FOR THE KISS.  Big choices, Lindsay. Except Sean called it making out? Were you making out, Sean? We might have to get a second opinion from Arie. She wanted to show her “goofy side.” We have another yuk yuk lady on our hands, people.
Lindsay: I’ve got balls.
Sean: I hope not.
Good one, Sean.

- Here comes Kacie B… She and Sean would be great together. But it isn’t gonna happen. Kacie, you witnessed Shaun-tawl coming on Ben’s season. ABORT! ABORT! Wait Kacie. That dress. Why? You know Sean’s a wholesome guy, why that dress? Also, it’s kind of hard to sit in it and still look skinny unless you’re sitting up real straight


Leslie, your attitude is getting under my skin. You’re being a little entitled right now, calm down. And the “we should scream,” line? Please don’t.

I mean, Kacie B is about to get eaten alive. I love how the other girls can immediately sink their claws in, but they didn't say anything about Bachelor Pad 3 girl? “She already had her chance”? So she doesn't get another chance, anywhere else, ever?

Selma/Ashely Greene: “Sean is my dream man. If I could dream up a man, it would be him.” Wise, Alice Cullen, wise.

Sean is subtle in his attempt to remind Kacie B that they clearly didn't get engaged after meeting at a Bachelor Reunion – do I smell a foreshadowing that she’s not getting a rose at the end of the night?

Ok I don’t mind Dez. And I don’t mind Sean’s conversationalism with her. (If you can be a conversationalist, then you have to ascribe to conversationalism. I’m making that word happen.) Aaaand she got a rose. Put another stitch in that wedding dress, Desi Arnaz.

I love that they all assumed that Tiara got the First Impression Rose, when she… just got a rose.  And they’re all convinced that there couldn't possibly be two roses.

“I think he can do whatever he wants.” Yes. Yes he can, Arnaz.

And now they’re into a philosophical discussion about what defines a First Impression Rose. This is epic. Is it a first impression rose? Or a first impression rose? And if the latter, are there more than one? Or is THE first impression rose going to be star-studded and in the shape of Texas?

Alice Cullen got a rose.
Engineer Robyn got a rose, regardless of failed backflip.
Curly haired yoga teacher, Quippy Catherine and Jackie all get a rose.
Barbie didn't get a rose, even though it was sitting on the table in front of them. Yikes. But her hair looks great.

“I’m feeling a little insecure.” MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE IN A WEDDING DRESS. “What if he didn't understand the joke”?! THEN YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT JOKES. And she admits she’s intoxicated. And Sean’s uncomfortable. Grace is uncomfortable. “I swear I’m not contagious.” Oh this girl’s gonna be in the fetal position when she has to watch this. “I honestly think I blew it. I made a big and ballsy move and I kinda think he didn't get it.” 1) Why didn't you just bring a change of clothes? 2) All you had to do was pop a few goldfish in the limo and chug less. I don’t think this girl is nuts, I think she’s just drunk. Which is better than drunk AND nuts, because:

Anastasia Steele is now body rolling with the tie, while seasoned and sober Kacie B remarks that the girl just needs some water.
…But makes no move to get her any.

SHE PULLS THE TIE OUT A SECOND TIME. Sean asserts that he has a rape whistle. This is great. Sean delicately describes her hammered tie dance as “a trip” and “a lot to take in,” and closes with the zinger: “50 Shades of Grey may have become 50 Shades of Drunk tonight.”
Well played.
And she’s down. Ana is down. Fifty Shades of Drunk and Fifty Shades of Sprawled.

Kelly, just tell him you perform on the General Jackson. He’ll give you a rose.

Taryn and Brandy question the social anxiety of a woman pursuing a man. I had hope for Taryn. But girl likes the beverage. Me thinky her chances are shot. (pun intended) Yep, he steals Brandy away. Taryn, start chugging water, my friend. Oh she’s crying. Taryn, it’s too soon. It’s just too soon, sweetie. Kelly tries to console her with a ballad that she learned while baton twirling on the General Jackson, but Taryn is not to be mollified.

And then we have perhaps the most memorable line from the evening:
“They feel like it’s just easier to date a girl with two arms.”

I’m JUST saying.
TAKE CONTROL, SARAH. Fake it till you make it.

Based on the voiceover/interview they’re playing as she “pulls Sean away for some alone time,” she gets a rose. Calling it.
So your reasoning for wanting a husband is ‘cause it’s the next step after having a dog. I think the girl is a little tipsy.
There’s the rose. There it is. “It’s validation that I’m good enough.” Sarah. We need to talk.

Ah the familiar clink of silverware on the champagne glass. Do you hate to break it up, Hare? DO YOU?!

Bridezilla remarks that she didn't think she’d be this nervous… Grace remarks that she didn't think she’d be this drunk.  


Whoaaaa Bridezilla got a rose. Here’s to hoping she enlists the yoga teacher to be her sponsor for the next episode, so she doesn't get schmammered.

Kelly, the General Jackson is waiting at home for you, with open arms. As are Lou and Jim. Give them a call. They’re used to singing. And tears. Probably not tears about singing, but they won’t judge. Also, Kelly, sweetie: did anyone MAKE you sing tonight? No. No, you chose to do that yourself. I will now take a moment to quote Janie Omer: YOU CAN BE A VICTIM, OR YOU CAN OVERCOME. (She’s also in Nashville, Kelly, give her a call.)

I just… need less crying about “loss of love”… ON THE FIRST NIGHT. Maybe this is the reason why the girls that go home when there are about 4 or 5 of them left don’t do the hysterical crying that comes when you’re in the final three or two – the crying quota is so overloaded in the premiere that it has to be made up for, somewhere else, cause these chicks are WEEPING.

Mermaid to his Merman wanted it so bad. “So the disappointment is there, but the devastation… I try not to let it sink in, but it does.”
….This very quickly became Carolyn’s and my favorite quote.

Until Anastasia Steele danced around with her tie and described the night as “a bit of a bum-skiiii.”
But she doesn’t know why she’s single.
Now that’s a quote for the books.
Oh – and after all that booty dancing: “MAAAM. DON’T BE MAAAD AT MY DANCING.”

And finally, even though she got a rose, I realized the glaring problem with keeping Kacie around, too long. Maybe everyone’s known this all along and I’m just slow on the uptake, but for argument’s sake, let’s say Kacie DID make it to the final two: then EVERY contestant from EVERY season EVER (Including First Impression Stephanie and Chick Who Sold Her Car) would come back and “try to give it another shot,” because who doesn’t want to travel all over the world (for love) and hear (often obscure) country artists croon to you in (sometimes) private concerts (for love)? America would be in an uproar that Kacie got this chance with Ben and “stole the opportunity” from another girl, if she got a serious shot with Sean. WORLD WAR THREE WOULD BREAK OUT, LET’S BE REAL.