Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Season Premiere

For starters, I still feel like a total poser, “blogging” about this show. This whole thing needs to be dedicated to my Blogging Mentor, Lincee Ray.

Oh... is Lincee Ray my older sister, perhaps? No.
Have we met? No.
"Blogging Mentor" is a total exaggeration: I'm just a complete stranger, who adores her blog.

            1)     She is much funnier than I.
         2)     I've been reading her blog for YEARS. It was the only thing that would get me
                 through the 90 minute AP European History class I had after lunch on Tuesdays
                 in high school.
         3)     She made blogging cool. I wasn't ashamed to tell people I read a blog when I showed
           them her writing, because it’s HILARIOUS. (Ok I’m still totally ashamed to admit
           that I read blogs about The Bachelor, but I send her stuff to EVERYONE)
         4)     Lincee, if you feel that I am infringing upon your work in any kind of plagiaristic, unethical way, you say the word and I will shut this thing down. I only want to be as cool as you. And any writing of mine that resembles yours is due to the fact that I've been reading your work for years now. If this were The Renaissance, I’d be your apprentice and aspire to be just like you, in whatever guild we worked for. I’m going to vote that we’d either be in a band of Traveling Players, that did shows in those rolling carts, or we’d make Illuminated Manuscripts. (I’m pretty sure Illuminated Manuscripts a) way preceded the Renaissance and b) were made by monks, but who’s counting?)

I also need the record to show that this is solely for the purpose of entertaining. I will take a page from Lincee’s book and ask you to observe a simple disclaimer: I don’t know anyone on this show and I don’t have anything against any of them.
(I “take that page,” because Lincee posts a disclaimer… However, fearing that my comments might be a little less kind than hers, I really want the record to show that I’m only here to entertain the people…)

So without further ado, here’s my running commentary from the Season Premiere of Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor:

        First of all, Sean comes from a family that makes what I like to call “Yuk yuk jokes.” Claire Douglas may be the only person who knows what I’m talking about, but remember when his Dad pulled something like a fried armadillo out of the oven, on the hometown date with Emily? I’m talking STUPID JOKES, after which the jester makes a “yuk yuk yuk” sound.
        All that to say: I’m surprised his time with the fam in this episode was so… not-joke-infused. (Unless you count his nieces and nephews running into his arms SIXTEEN TIMES a joke…)
        Why they had Arie show up, I do not know. Why their conversation was so stiffly scripted, I do not know. But stuffy script or no, two dudes talking about breakups and making out is somehow infinitely more hilarious than two girls…
        Sidenote: BUT REALLY, why so many shirtless shots of Sean? I mean, I know why, but… why? Seriously, if I wanted to see that tricep workout, I’d go to the gym. Is this the Biggest Loser? Stop wasting my time/don’t patronize me by implying that I only want to see shots of the shirtless dude, ABC.


Desiree: first of all, anyone who says their name followed by “but people call me _____” is not doing good things. Dear Desi Arnaz: you let people EARN the right to call you by your nickname. Otherwise, you may do us all a favor and skip the Desiree part and just introduce yourself as Dez. Also, the one wedding dress that we saw a client of yours wearing (or let’s be real: was it your little sister?) was HIDEOUS and you told her she looked beautiful. All our faith in you as Mary Fiore just went STRAIGHT out the window… (Also, before she and Matthew McConaughey ran through what I'm sure was a shower of brown M&M's after their reception, she would not toss the bouquet and hit a chandelier. It would totally land in the hands of an Italian Justin Chambers.)

Tierra: Have people mistakenly called you “Tiara” all your life? Have they? I see nothing from you but aimless ambling around the city of Denver and talking about bringing home a Daddy for your yappy dog (although I’m more interested in the cute dog than I am in you) And I’m more impressed by my use of three “a” words in a row in that last sentence, than I am by ANY footage of you.

Robin: You’re looking a little stilted, sweetie. And it looks like you just chucked a rock in an attempt to kill a pigeon, just now. Ok wait now she’s putting post-it notes up in her apartment and doing handstands. I think I want to be friends with her. And she has GREAT hair.

Diana: do you really make your daughter wear a bike helmet to go down a slide? And wait… You “had a hard time developing that mad, deep passionate love” before or after you got married? I just have some questions… Another question being: Are you Maggie Gyllenhaal’s sister?

Sarah:  You need to go. Immediately.
1) your face doesn't move.
2) You didn't use a SINGLE downward inflection.
3) You’re “passionate about your career” whose description involved “advertising” and “design.” We’re done here.
4) Oh – and that phone call where you dropped the term “print layout” was entirely faked. Stilted Robin did a better job faking her phone calls about engineering.
5) Oh wait, there it is. ABC just turned the tables on us. I’d be real mad if my umbilical cord was responsible for amputating my arm in utero…
 (Side note: 1-4 were typed before I saw her making an omelet with one hand.)

Ashley: “I don’t know why I’m still single” and “ I've actively searched for a boyfriend,” not to mention “it’s me and my cat” and the obsession with Christian Grey? SIT DOWN.

Leslie: you do nothing involving government, stop walking around DC with that fake file in your hands. YOU’RE FROM ARKANSAS? I spent 24 hours there, once. I have no wish to go back. I think this girl’s going places with Sean, though.

Kristy: “Ford is the number one modeling agency. It’s juuuust crazy.” I don’t like this chick. “The other girls won’t like me?” Ughhhh we have another Courtney on our hands, circa Ben Flajnik’s season…

AshLee: Here’s the real Mary Fiore. “You cannot organize love.” The truth, indeed. Whoaaa girl is getting emotional right now. I bet she’s gonna go far, too. I think I’m gonna start spelling my name “GrayC.” (I should also take a moment to give a special shout out to a one Sarah Steele, who heard my name for the first time as Gray Stouglas. I've worked on my enunciation since then…)


- Organizer AshLee: Bad pick up line. But you have a nice dress. Did you organize it in your hotel room? “Oh and I’m really happy it’s you.” Not a bad choice.
- Jackie: Don’t put your mark on him. Please don’t. Noooo. She’s pulling out the lipstick. Ohhh she’s doing it. Stoppppp.

ASHLEY GREENE IS ON THIS SEASON? Oh. Her name is Selma. And she just pulled a wrinkled Kleenex out of her chest. Not a classy move, Selma.

- Leslie: ohhhh I like her. She’s comfortable with herself. Ohhhh wait she just lost me on “Mr. McSteamy.” Please don’t do that.

- Daniella: starts with, “So I was thinking…” I DON’T THINK YOU WERE THINKING, DANIELLA. Girl is nervous. And hello: no secret handshake is worth it unless it’s the handshake from The Parent Trap.

- Kelly: from Nashville? No you’re not. Cruise ship entertainer? Kelly, I don’t know if you've ever looked at a map (ever) but Tennessee is landlocked.
Don’t si- PLEASE DON’T SING. Oh great, she’s singing. Her nervous face is terrible. Whoa, Sean’s game face is NOT. BAD. Stay cool, Sean. Stay cool, the singing will end eventually. Kelly, let's get some more hairspray.

- Katie: cute dress. But don’t teach him yoga. But werk that curly hair, gUrL. Ohhhh she’s barefoot. Namaste, indeed.

- Ashley: Don’t do Fifty Shades. “Have you read any good books lately?”
        Ashley. I applaud you for at least having a segue into this terrible idea of yours, but did you NOT consider that his answer was probably going to be “THE BIBLE.”?!?!

- Taryn: Well. Sean thinks she’s gorgeous. Ohhhh I kind of like her. Whoaa Sean got sassy: “You might wanna start by telling me your name.”
I’m not upset by this.

- Catherine: Whoaaa Sean is enchanted. Stop wiggling your shoulders, Cat. “Find me for a dance”? No. Please don’t let there be dancing.

- Robyn: please don’t say anything awkward. Or in Spanish. OH SHE TURNED HER BACK. AND FLIPPED OVER. AND SHE FELL. At least she said she was embarrassed and didn’t try and pretend it didn’t happen.

- Lacey: your extensions aren’t working for me. Neither is your chest. Neither is your “heart of Lace.”

- Paige: Good dress. Bachelor Pad 3 was “kind of short lived for you”? THAT’S what we’re saying about it? “I saw the process can really work.” What process, Paige? Getting conned out of 250k? That process?

Oh there’s a prom dress from Dillard’s. IT’S TIARA. Wait she’s giving me seventh grade giddy and I don’t hate it. I bet he’s gonna LOV- oh wait. He went to go get her a rose, didn't he? Given the excited tones of her voiceover/interview, I’m gonna vote that he went to get her a ro- yep. He’s talking to Hare about it. There it is. I do NOT want to deal with her attitude after this rose bestowal. She will literally be unbearable. Anyone remember Stephanie, who got the First Impression Rose from Lieutenant Andy Baldwin?

She reminds me of her. You “hope it doesn’t cause any tension”?! REALLY, SEAN?! Catherine then describes Tierra with the rose as an “Animal attack on the eyballs.” I like you, Catherine.

- Amanda: There’s an awkward pause… at the beginning of a relationship? Or the beginning of meeting someone? I understand what you were going for, here, but it didn’t work…

- Keriann: Don’t guilt him into keeping you around by telling him you chose to drive! Dude. Remember the girl who sold her car to come on the show? Yep, this girl. Lorenzo’s season. (The same season that Erica Rose “flew coach” to meet him)

- Dez: NO HE MAY NOT CALL YOU DEZ. Wishes in the fountain. Not bad.

- Sarah: “Is this how you always imagined falling in love?” Not a bad question… Until you tell him that this IS how you envisioned it? What?

BRANDY IS ON THIS SEASON?! Oh wait. Her name is Brooke.

- Diana: Don’t ask him to “start by calling it a night” and leaving with you. WHOA Sean came back with a zinger: “Can we start with this? You tell me your name?” (After he awkwardly turned down her offer…)

- Lesley: Ohhhh look at Lez, with a football, she likes sports, she’s every guy’s dreammmm. You just wanted to admire his… no.

- Kristy: “Sean did you invite these girls? Cause I didn’t.” I know you practiced that line in the mirror a lot, but it was still weird.

- Ashley: You are not the Barbie to his Ken in that dress, you are the mermaid to his merman.
No, I don’t mean the one that ate Bradley Whitford in Cabin in the Woods,

I’m thinking more… THIS:

- Lauren: Don’t take him home and feed him. Don’t. Noooo a message from the dad. Please don’t. “If you break my heart he’s going to break your legs.” Were you trying to show him you have a close-knit family? Cause that wasn’t the way to do it.

THE WEDDING DRESS. WHY?! Even the limo driver hates it. OH SHE WENT FOR THE KISS.  Big choices, Lindsay. Except Sean called it making out? Were you making out, Sean? We might have to get a second opinion from Arie. She wanted to show her “goofy side.” We have another yuk yuk lady on our hands, people.
Lindsay: I’ve got balls.
Sean: I hope not.
Good one, Sean.

- Here comes Kacie B… She and Sean would be great together. But it isn’t gonna happen. Kacie, you witnessed Shaun-tawl coming on Ben’s season. ABORT! ABORT! Wait Kacie. That dress. Why? You know Sean’s a wholesome guy, why that dress? Also, it’s kind of hard to sit in it and still look skinny unless you’re sitting up real straight


Leslie, your attitude is getting under my skin. You’re being a little entitled right now, calm down. And the “we should scream,” line? Please don’t.

I mean, Kacie B is about to get eaten alive. I love how the other girls can immediately sink their claws in, but they didn't say anything about Bachelor Pad 3 girl? “She already had her chance”? So she doesn't get another chance, anywhere else, ever?

Selma/Ashely Greene: “Sean is my dream man. If I could dream up a man, it would be him.” Wise, Alice Cullen, wise.

Sean is subtle in his attempt to remind Kacie B that they clearly didn't get engaged after meeting at a Bachelor Reunion – do I smell a foreshadowing that she’s not getting a rose at the end of the night?

Ok I don’t mind Dez. And I don’t mind Sean’s conversationalism with her. (If you can be a conversationalist, then you have to ascribe to conversationalism. I’m making that word happen.) Aaaand she got a rose. Put another stitch in that wedding dress, Desi Arnaz.

I love that they all assumed that Tiara got the First Impression Rose, when she… just got a rose.  And they’re all convinced that there couldn't possibly be two roses.

“I think he can do whatever he wants.” Yes. Yes he can, Arnaz.

And now they’re into a philosophical discussion about what defines a First Impression Rose. This is epic. Is it a first impression rose? Or a first impression rose? And if the latter, are there more than one? Or is THE first impression rose going to be star-studded and in the shape of Texas?

Alice Cullen got a rose.
Engineer Robyn got a rose, regardless of failed backflip.
Curly haired yoga teacher, Quippy Catherine and Jackie all get a rose.
Barbie didn't get a rose, even though it was sitting on the table in front of them. Yikes. But her hair looks great.

“I’m feeling a little insecure.” MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE IN A WEDDING DRESS. “What if he didn't understand the joke”?! THEN YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT JOKES. And she admits she’s intoxicated. And Sean’s uncomfortable. Grace is uncomfortable. “I swear I’m not contagious.” Oh this girl’s gonna be in the fetal position when she has to watch this. “I honestly think I blew it. I made a big and ballsy move and I kinda think he didn't get it.” 1) Why didn't you just bring a change of clothes? 2) All you had to do was pop a few goldfish in the limo and chug less. I don’t think this girl is nuts, I think she’s just drunk. Which is better than drunk AND nuts, because:

Anastasia Steele is now body rolling with the tie, while seasoned and sober Kacie B remarks that the girl just needs some water.
…But makes no move to get her any.

SHE PULLS THE TIE OUT A SECOND TIME. Sean asserts that he has a rape whistle. This is great. Sean delicately describes her hammered tie dance as “a trip” and “a lot to take in,” and closes with the zinger: “50 Shades of Grey may have become 50 Shades of Drunk tonight.”
Well played.
And she’s down. Ana is down. Fifty Shades of Drunk and Fifty Shades of Sprawled.

Kelly, just tell him you perform on the General Jackson. He’ll give you a rose.

Taryn and Brandy question the social anxiety of a woman pursuing a man. I had hope for Taryn. But girl likes the beverage. Me thinky her chances are shot. (pun intended) Yep, he steals Brandy away. Taryn, start chugging water, my friend. Oh she’s crying. Taryn, it’s too soon. It’s just too soon, sweetie. Kelly tries to console her with a ballad that she learned while baton twirling on the General Jackson, but Taryn is not to be mollified.

And then we have perhaps the most memorable line from the evening:
“They feel like it’s just easier to date a girl with two arms.”

I’m JUST saying.
TAKE CONTROL, SARAH. Fake it till you make it.

Based on the voiceover/interview they’re playing as she “pulls Sean away for some alone time,” she gets a rose. Calling it.
So your reasoning for wanting a husband is ‘cause it’s the next step after having a dog. I think the girl is a little tipsy.
There’s the rose. There it is. “It’s validation that I’m good enough.” Sarah. We need to talk.

Ah the familiar clink of silverware on the champagne glass. Do you hate to break it up, Hare? DO YOU?!

Bridezilla remarks that she didn't think she’d be this nervous… Grace remarks that she didn't think she’d be this drunk.  


Whoaaaa Bridezilla got a rose. Here’s to hoping she enlists the yoga teacher to be her sponsor for the next episode, so she doesn't get schmammered.

Kelly, the General Jackson is waiting at home for you, with open arms. As are Lou and Jim. Give them a call. They’re used to singing. And tears. Probably not tears about singing, but they won’t judge. Also, Kelly, sweetie: did anyone MAKE you sing tonight? No. No, you chose to do that yourself. I will now take a moment to quote Janie Omer: YOU CAN BE A VICTIM, OR YOU CAN OVERCOME. (She’s also in Nashville, Kelly, give her a call.)

I just… need less crying about “loss of love”… ON THE FIRST NIGHT. Maybe this is the reason why the girls that go home when there are about 4 or 5 of them left don’t do the hysterical crying that comes when you’re in the final three or two – the crying quota is so overloaded in the premiere that it has to be made up for, somewhere else, cause these chicks are WEEPING.

Mermaid to his Merman wanted it so bad. “So the disappointment is there, but the devastation… I try not to let it sink in, but it does.”
….This very quickly became Carolyn’s and my favorite quote.

Until Anastasia Steele danced around with her tie and described the night as “a bit of a bum-skiiii.”
But she doesn’t know why she’s single.
Now that’s a quote for the books.
Oh – and after all that booty dancing: “MAAAM. DON’T BE MAAAD AT MY DANCING.”

And finally, even though she got a rose, I realized the glaring problem with keeping Kacie around, too long. Maybe everyone’s known this all along and I’m just slow on the uptake, but for argument’s sake, let’s say Kacie DID make it to the final two: then EVERY contestant from EVERY season EVER (Including First Impression Stephanie and Chick Who Sold Her Car) would come back and “try to give it another shot,” because who doesn’t want to travel all over the world (for love) and hear (often obscure) country artists croon to you in (sometimes) private concerts (for love)? America would be in an uproar that Kacie got this chance with Ben and “stole the opportunity” from another girl, if she got a serious shot with Sean. WORLD WAR THREE WOULD BREAK OUT, LET’S BE REAL. 

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