She's just between a rock and a hard SPOT.

ALRIGHT; I FIGURED IT OUT. I’VE DISCOVERED THE FLAW WITH AMERICA’S SWEETHEART STARRING AS THE BACHELOR. I will now address Sean directly, about my qualms:

Dear Sean,

Dear, sweet Sean. What a burden to have all of America fall madly in love with you. (I can sympathize, believe you me) And it’s too bad more men of America don’t watch this show, so they could witness your treatise that may as well be called “In Defense of the Gentlemen,” because you’re really making us swoon, over here. HOWEVER… You can’t always be the nice guy. You are going to break some (definitely more than one) hearts this season. And America doesn’t wanna watch you do it. We don’t want to watch you, because it’s obviously painful to see someone else in pain, sure, but at the end of the day: your good intentions towards the women, as well as your agony towards breaking their hearts only reminds the American public of the soot-infested interior of their own rotten souls. What ever happened to Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, or Charlie O’Connell, who were downright selfish and just out to get laid? WHEN DID CHIVALRY GET THE ENDORSEMENT, ABC?!?!

I’ve already said too much. We’ll be in touch, Seannie Boy.

Every rose has its th- NEVERMIND. 

~Grace

That being said, I will now begin my commentary. Per usual: my girl Lincee has the funniest Bachelor commentary of anyone I know. And for the record: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

1) TONIGHT, ON THE BACHELOR:

*Observations: 

- Oh sweet. Based on the voiceovers, they’re gonna make it look  like Kacie B pushed Tiara down the stairs.

2) MORNING AFTER (the rose ceremony)

*Memorable quotes: 

- Sean is “digging” the women. Interesting.

*Questions I have:
- Hare says to use your time wisely “whenever you see him.” Does that mean he’s gonna pop out in that ski mask around the house randomly, to prune roses for the ceremony? 

*Observations: 

- Robyn tells the camera about the kind of date she wants from Sean and what she wants the date card to say and it’s just… a lot. 

- Alice Cullen, that was a terrible dramatic reading of the date card.

3) Date with Lesley: 

*Observations:
- THANK THE BACHELOR GODS THAT LESLEY M IS ON THIS DATE. 

- Longest on screen kiss? That’s nothing compared to the longest OFF SCREEN kiss, because I remember seeing that record when I was in third grade when I saw it – it was something like 26 hours…

- I need the record to show that Ethan and I basically did this, once, in a dance class. No but really: it wasn’t on screen, but it was a feat. I don’t even remember what the choreography was from, but it involved holding both your partner’s hands and doing a full turn, letting your head go upside down, all while keeping your lips together. That explanation doesn’t even make sense, no matter how many ways you try to sit at your computer and make it happen, and I think that’s the point. Feat, I tell you. 

- She just gave his face a very sensible pat, mid lip-lock. I’m not mad about it. 

- Lez says that she loved middle school and wasn’t homecoming queen in high school but was, in fact, a nerd. 

ATTENTION: A genuine nerd does not take ownership of their nerd-ery. I spent 15 minutes explaining the concept of Dante’s Divine Comedy to Kelly Davis tonight, after recounting how I had to correct an angry Jewish woman about it at the Getty on Saturday. She insisted that it wasn’t posted anywhere for her to see what year Dante wrote it (and she was angry about it – I’m not embellishing a cultural stereotype, here). Before I could stop myself, I muttered that it was in the 1400’s. She told me I was wrong. I eventually found a sign to point to, to correct her, but inside I was thinking: ask me if my obsession with Robert and Jean Hollander would allow for a wrong answer. Ask me!

I hesitate to admit that transactions like that take place every day, because I’d hate for it to sound like I correct elderly Jewish women every day, but even after all that: I’d tell you I’m not a nerd. And not just to prove that Lesley’s ownership is providing false testimony. Oh but wait - Sean is a nerd because he “took some AP classes.” Looks like they’re meant for each other, in their trendy, hipster nerd-ery.
        

- Now the two are in a VERY unfortunate philosophical, 50 Shades debate about “taking control.” And I can see Sean’s tongue. And they don’t know what to do with their champagne glasses. 

- They say some rather strange things about where they see this going, he gives her the rose, she dangles it off of a balcony and they make out… There’s confetti… She says the words “falling” and “magic,” and Grace thinks Sean is REEEEALLY diggin’ the Lez. 

*Memorable quotes: 

- “My Dad likes to do things that are outside of the norm.” Just like you like to “play pranks,” Sean? Cause my Dad likes to do things that are out of the norm, like this: 

Or another fan-favorite, denim on denim:

But to drive the contiguous states, JUST to set a record? That’s a terrible waste of money, Seannyroo. - Lesley “Has no idea what they’re going to do"? (...So did she just MISS all the "Longest on-screen kiss" signs?)

- So Sean’s idea of “cranking up the romance” is gluing your lips to another human’s for four minutes. Take note of this, Lesley. 

- “He’s starting to cop a feel now.” Thanks for that one, Hare. 

- Lez says it’s “like it’s just the two of us.” I hope you don’t actually laugh against his face, fist pump and breathe through your nose against his face when it’s “just the two of you,” Lez. 

- “Lesley is a great kisser.” More like: she’s great at moving her hands around in your hair. Because one cannot gauge a kisser, based on what these two are doing with their lips right now. 

- Sean: What do you see out of your own family? 

Lesley: LOVE. But I’m afraid that I won’t find it. I’m afraid that I won’t marry a man who still wants to hold my hand. 

Sean: Maybe that man is right next to you. 

Grace: is there ANYONE on this show whose geriatric parents DON’T “still hold hands”? 
*Questions I have: 

- I’m sorry… But where was I when they were filming this date?! I was  literally in front of the Guinness Museum FORTY EIGHT HOURS AGO.

- WHY THE THIRD GRADE WAIST HOLDING RIGHT NOW?! WHY? 

- Did they talk about how they were going to keep breathing? Cause that’s a lot of nasal breathing, against one’s face, and I have a THING about nasal breathing.

4) Meanwhile, back on the farm:

*AshLee reads the date card. Which makes me think that she’s getting the last one on one date.
*AshLee doesn’t like “activity.” Hope you noted that, Sean. Bet she doesn't like pranks, either.

5) GROUP DATE:

*Observations: 

- Robyn is the first out of the limo. She is pumped to see Sean. 

- Craaaaazy Amanda (is that even her name?) says she’s “probably the most competitive one in the house.” I’LL BET. 

- Sean says his nose is his “money maker” and the girls GUFFAW like it’s the first joke they’ve ever heard in their LIFE. He then took forty five minutes to take his shirt off. And Leslie put sunscreen on his man boobs.

- KACIE IS A VETERAN. SHE KNOWS SOMETHING IS UP IF HARE MAKES AN APPEARANCE. 

- Hare is responsible for picking teams. This should be great. 

- Catherine’s enthusiasm is a little overwhelming right now, but I’m still not upset about it… Ok wait. Wait, why is she all of the sudden reflecting on the “game” on a beach that looks like it’s… in the Caribbean?! That ocean is NOT in California. Dude. I bet they totally did pick-ups for this by the time they made it to the international dates. DEZ IS DOING IT NOW, TOO. Editors, you fail me.

- I’m going to assume that the blue team wins, based on the fact that we hear so much from Kacie this episode, but maybe I’ve inhaled too much sand. 

- Taryn has now taken it WAY too far by saying that it’s a fight to the death for a guy that they might be with, forever. Whoa, Taryn. Whoa. 

- Ok Kristi is having SUCH a hard time with the red team’s loss right now. I mean she’s really coming unglued about this. 

- I mean, it’s one thing to be tired, dehydrated and sunburned after a day at the beach, but to then do INTERVIEWS, drenched in said sun damage and DEFEAT? Ah Bachelor franchise, you found a winner with this one. 

*Questions I have: 

- Anyone else having flashbacks to the softball date where Blakely lost her MIND over losing that game? 

- …Is Sean even playing? 

* Memorable quotes: 

- Taryn says “red is for love so we’re going to win.” That’s BY FAR the most insightful sentence she’s constructed. Ever. 

6) TIME AT SEAN’S HOUSE:

*Predictions:

- Robyn is going to be completely socially awkward and over-zealous in her time with Sean, I’m calling it now. (Update: we saw NONE of Robyn and Sean. I am so disappointed.)

- Kacie is gonna be psychotic. I can’t wait.

- I’m gonna vote that the Rookie editor was the one in charge of the editing of Dez and her feelings about Amanda, as we see her “overhearing” Mandy’s conversation with Sean.  

*Memorable Quotes:

- Lindsay wastes absolutely ZERO time in telling Sean, verbatim, that she is amazed by him and that he is everything he’s looking for, on paper and “she feels chemistry. Like, I don’t need constant attention but I just wanna like, look at you across the room and like, you know what I’m like, thinking.”

-  Dez is officially on my nerves. Sean feels like he will never get tired of hanging out with her. “I think differently, I think, than a lot of people.” Ok, Dez. Sure you do.

- Amanda is looking just as CRAAAAZY as usual – oh wait she just played the “if we were to get married,” card. Too soon, Mandy.

- “I feel like I’ve been punched in the face.” Oh, Kacie. You play that crazy card right now, you PLAY IT.

- Oh, remember that time Kacie had the audacity to say the words “rock and a hard spot”?? Hi, Kacie, this is Grace. From TENNESSEE. Don’t you pull that Southern card on me and NOT manage to recall that it’s “rock and a hard PLACE.”

* Observations:

- SEAN I DON’T WANNA SEE THAT MUCH OF YOUR TONGUE.

- I mean, just like Lez negating the whole thing by calling herself a nerd, Kacie goes and negates the whole “veteran” thing by INSISTING THAT SHE’S A VETERAN AND SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING… And then… just… needing to put her foot in her mouth about whatever horribly-strategized “drama exposure” she just set up for Sean. I was in the fetal position for most of it.

7) BACK ON THE FARM:

* AshLee is READY to receive her one on one date and has been practicing her “I’m totes surprised that it’s me!” face, for the past three hours.

* Ok I’m sorry, but I gotta give fifteen points to Tiara, on that one. Sarah doesn’t think it’s very funny, to call out two names on the date card, but she’s obviously never seen the show before. HELLO: if it were a two on one date, they’d all be screwed and the house would be in shambles from the tension by the end of the night. Well played, Tiara.

8) AshLee’s date:

* Questions I have:

- What would it be like for one of these women to actually commit to commentary about how wretched and manipulative other girls in the house can be? If the Bachelor Shrink were interviewing me in that moment, there’d be none of this “I JUST THINK she’s the boy who cried wolf.” Or “It’s like she really wants attention, or something.” I’d give it to the BachShrink (cameras) straight up: “Tiara has the maturity of an infant, who cries as long as their parents are in sight, so they keep the attention. There’s nothing complex about this.”

- Did the hairy boom microphone guy forget to give AshLee the DATE date card, that said something like, “DON’T WEAR THE SHORTEST DRESS EVER, OK?” Because girl was NOT dressed for an a) Jeep ride or b) theme park. Yikes.

- Remember that time the two cyber-turned-real-life-BFFs had to do girlfriend dancing while Sean and AshLee tried to have a romantic moment? Anyone?

* Memorable Quotes:

- AshLee is really delighted to tell her story to “ someone I’m falling in love with.” aSHlEE. (first of all: see what I had to do, just to capitalize your name?) IT’S YOUR FIRST DATE. LET’S JUST. SLOW. DOWN.

9) Cocktail Party (Where the Crazies come out to play)

*Memorable Quotes:

- As we started watching the cocktail party, Carolyn says: “YES. This music always means great things.”

- When Sean had the limo pulling up for Sarah while she was glottal frying/whimpering, “You caaaaan’t  do this to meeeee,” Carolyn looked at the limo and said, “Please say it’s an arm.”

- And THIS is the kind of life-ruining that I’m talking about America’s Sweetheart doing – we all know Sarah isn’t going to be around forever. She’s just not. But now, we have to hate ourselves, as we watch how selfless and thoughtful Sean is, as well as inwardly cringe, because we KNOW Sare-Bear is going to be devastated when she has to return home to Leo. (Although, when I saw that he brought her dog to her, I turned to Carolyn and said: “If  Sean did that for me – literally brought Catie to my arms, I would no joke, put him on my back and carry him out of there, to wherever we were going to elope.”) And no big deal, but all of the pictures below were sent within the last two weeks. I get two to three pictures a day of this dog. My obsession knows no bounds. Like I said: I (Grace) would pick him (Sean) up and carry him out on my back – up that strangely ALWAYS rain-soaked driveway…

- Sean tells Tiara that it’s worth sticking it out: “he knows the process and it has worked for him before.” How has it “worked for you before,” Sean? The time Emily chewed your heart up and spit it out? Or the time she let Jef spit it out for you, and then broke up with him, too? Just curious.

*Observations:

- I’ve decided that they must find women for this show that have NEVER MET A REAL LIVE MAN BEFORE. All this talk about Sean being perfect? My mom used to (still does, really) have a saying: “If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.” These are certainly the most cynical words to ever come out of that woman’s mouth; she is not a pessimist. But if I find the words, “he’s perfect,” rolling out of my mouth, you can bet my next question is, “so what’s the catch?” I’m not saying there’s a catch with Sean, necessarily. (Except for the crappy yuk yuk jokez) But the “he’s perfect” has GOT. TO. STOP.

*Questions I have:

- Dez… why are you still waiting on that couch? Why?

So Kristi the Ford Model and Taryn the... 30 something mute got sent home. Oh, as did Kacie B. GO BACK TO CLARKSVILLE, KACIE. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. GIVE IT UP.