Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I Just Want to See Ben's Bracelet Collection...

Per usual, I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to make it all about me and remark that only one man has ever suffered the misfortune of meeting my family, and he PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS.

He rode in the Comfort Crusier with my brother: 

This was after (ANOTHER) brunch with my grandmparents... WHATTA STUD.  

And even Catie was smitten with him: 

Ugh. Ok. I will begrudgingly remark on el Pollo Loco Internationale de la Hometown Dates, now. I shall not dignify this episode with a dedication... But since tonight IS A DRAMATIC, TWO-NIGHT EVENT, maybe there'll be one tomorrow... 

Again, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Hometown Date: Nikki, Kansas City


- Nikki’s been waiting for a long time for this day… for this day that she loads up a man on BBQ and forces him to ride a mechanical bull…

- Things I have no desire to do in life, ever: fall off a mechanical bull with another human…
Unless it's THIS.

- Wait I’m loving Nikki’s Mama. And love that she literally let Nikita take two bites of green beans before stealing her away. Mama asks if there is a mental attraction to Juan Pablo. Important question Nikita de Madre.

Questions I have:

- Did Juan Pablo steal the barbeque sauce from the gas station BBQ place? Did he?

Memorable Quotes:

- Nikki: I was so excited. I couldn’t sleep this morning.
Juan Pablo: I couldn't sleep last night!
Grace: True Love.

- “I’m kind of looking forward to seeing how Cowboy Juan Pablo is…” CLEARLY NIKITA DIDN’T SEE THE RODEO EPISODE OF DEZ’S SEASON.

- Nikita gushed, “I’m hoping that Juan Pablo goes for gas station barbeque…”
I really, REALLY want to find this to be terribly romantic. I do.
...But I can't.

- My friend Johnny perhaps hit the biggest nail on the head of the night with, “Juan Pablo has nothing to say so he just kisses them.”

- “What have you seen in Nikki that you trust enough?” I’m not quite sure what Padre de Nikita meant by this question, (or how it was edited) but I think Pa is asking a good question…

- “There’s just something about him, I can’t really explain it, I can’t really put my finger on it…” IT’S THAT YOU’RE ON TV, NIKITA.

Hometown Date: Andi, Atlanta


-    I love how the hometown dates have become about the girls exacting revenge for the “craaaaazy things” Juan Pablo made them do... It's soooo craaaazy that Andi is making him go to a gun range right now...

- Juan Pablo 100% did NOT make a bullseye, just now… My money’s on: BACHELORE INTERN DE LA JACOB.

- Hi and Ailey. Those are two names that are happening in Andi’s house right now. No joke. (Correction: her Dad's name is spelled "Hy."

- Andi’s Dad is REAL interested in how many women were left on each of the episodes… I’m not upset about it…

- Insight: If JP is picking up on the hesitant social cues from Andi's family, you KNOW it's going to be a bumpy ride...

- I love how the hometown dates are all about girls asking their families “Can you see us together for the rest of our lives?” when we all know they’re really asking “can you see us dating for a few more months?”


Questions I have:

- Andi’s mom asked if they wanted to “go inside and have dinner”
….Were they outside?

- Why don’t her parents have accents? 

- What is "Hy" short for? I WANNA KNOW.

Hometown Date: Rene, Sarasota


- I have so very few observations of this date; I just want Rene to go home. (Aside from Sharmander) She's just the classiest broad who ever was, and she is way too good for el Pollo Loco.


Questions I have:
- So if anyone has spent ANY time with ANY child under the age of 12 in the past six months, you know that rainbow looms are a thing. They're these windy bracelets that kids weave out of tiny rubberbands and they're basically a bigger elementary school fad than tamagachis and milky pens combined... Ben clearly has a collection of them, that his grandmother referenced. That was pretty much the only thing I wanted out of this episode. WHY DIDN'T WE SEE BEN'S RAINBOW LOOM COLLECTION?!

Memorable Quotes:

-“I am literally going to eat my son, when I see him.” Sometime's Mamas speak in hyperbole when they're proud. It happens.

- “Hey buddy. Juan Pablo.” THAT was his introduction to Ben.

- “I want you to be IN love. Because we can love our pets. But you need to be with someone you are IN love with.”

Hometown Date: Clare, Sacramento


- I like Clare’s relationship with her sister. Wait, her sister is SO un-crazy, HOW did Clare turn out to be such a nut job? (Correction: this would be the FIRST sister she talked to... Named Melissa, maybe? Laura... Laura is a different story)

- Also loving this lap dog right now…

- Wait… Clare is crazy… but this sister Laura is the CRAZIEST. I don’t even know what to say. I believe some credit is due to the editors, but all this back and forth of the sister getting up and walking away but not walking away, not wanting to interfere but not wanting Mama to be manipulated... This is a lot.

- This family is literally Gray Gardens. I am at a loss.

- Aaaaand Juan Pablo likes Mama because they both HEAVILY stumble over their words… (After they fake converse about el Pollo TropicAL for sixteen seconds)

Questions I have:

- I am GOING to say this… how much of Juan Pablo’s attraction to Clare is wanting to fill the wound of losing her Dad? THERE I SAID IT.

- Does Mama speak English?

- Does Mama speak?

Memorable Quotes

-“Right” and “good” are what we’ve heard from Mama…

- Update: Ok she said about four more words. For a grand total of: SIX WORDS. 

I really have nothing to say about the rose ceremony, except thank God that Rene went home. Also oddly convenient that Sarasota is the closes to Miami... NOW GO SEE BEN'S RAINBOW LOOM COLLECTION... 

Verbal Faux Pas:

Let's be real: I've taken to pretty much ignoring JP's speech, because he's such a lost cause... 

- Nikki's Dad: “When you SET DOWN at dinner, you become family.”


There is nothing for me to do except slam my head against my keyboard at this... 

- Rene's Dad: “I think he’s a good guy. Right out the front…”
1) Newsflash, de la Padre: HE'S NOT. 
2) The acceptable phrases would have been "right off the bat" or "right out of the gate." 

That is all.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Party in the City Where the (Rose) is On...

So who’s ready for some celebrity gossip?


I actually have no idea if he has a Prius or not, but I’d like to think he does, now that we’re dating…

I have zero shame about taking this Creepy McCreepville photo, in my side view mirror (come on: I was trying to be subtle) and did I mention that he totally did a double take, when I drove by?

Now, for those of you who are thinking: I wouldn’t have pegged you for one of those girls, Grace, (You know the one I’m talking about; the kind of girl who has to stop EVERYONE’S conversation at your table at the restaurant, so she can tell you how she’s “like, so embarrassed” that the waiter is totally checking her out…) Spoiler alert: THIS girl probably did that, every other second of college:
No but he's like, totally looking at me... 

WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT: Justin Long 100% did a double take when I drove past him… because of my visor. Truly.

If you don’t know the blue and white Hawaian print gem of which I am speaking, then just forget it. But I’M JUST SAYING that the visor is an eye-catcher, ok? Not an “eyeSORE” as my mother seems to think…

Oh... Oh dear. Look at that: did I just digress for an entire page because I’m SO DISENCHANTED BY THIS SEASON?! I did.


This post is dedicated to Claire Douglas. We’re not related, although we spent a chunk of childhood telling people that we were. (Until she felt guilty for lying to the Bible teacher, and made me tell him that we weren’t actually cousins.) She very recently expressed admiration for my writing. I love it when people love the words that I put together. (Due credit: it was writing other than what appears on this webpage…) You are the Lewis to my Clark, Claire.

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Ohhhh look where we’re going this week:

Yes, we lived in the same house.
No, we're not related.

Preliminary thoughts:

- Ok it’s KIND OF cute, to see JP reunited with his daughter…

- Oh, how nice that the girls get to stay in the penthouse of a Lowes, because lemme show you what MY living quarters were like, when I lived in the 305 for four years…
Yes, that's a towel dress, in the upper left-hand corner.
No, I have no regrets... 

- Ohhh Sharmander is UNRAVELING in this interview right now. And the date hasn't even begun... The Bachelor Shrink is getting a raise for this...

- Something, SOMETHING is telling me that this clip of JP saying “I think she could be the one” to his cousin was NOT originally about Sharmander. Are they setting us up for her dramatic exit? Are they??


- How nice that Pollo Loco wants to give the cards to girls himself, how could he possibly foresee the drama that would ensue because NONE OF THEM are capable of masking ANY reactionary facial expressions…

- Sharmander sums up everything ever that JP is lacking, when she tells us that she’s “MISSING A CEREBRAL CONNECTION”

- She only had ten minutes to get ready, yet she still had time to contemplatively reflect on the balcony…

- Is she wearing those earrings that you have to screw into your ears? The kind that my grandmother wore? Don’t ever let a man see you without your earrings screwed in properly. Or without your face on. Rest in peace, relationship of Juan Pablo and Carly Rae…

One On One Date: Sharmander

- Chelsie is stumbling over the word “intellectual” right now… And I am rather surprised that Clare even knows the word “anomaly”…

- Problem: Sharleen has put all of this pressure on herself, to decide TODAY if JP can meet her family… TAKE THE PACK OFF, SHARMANDER. Hasn’t anyone told her that the proposal thing isn’t really all that real? She’s an opera singer. She’s stood onstage and had to shriek/wail about the loss of lovers past, when they’re not actually dead in real life. Why doesn’t she understand how fantasy works?

- OMG SHE NEEDS TO BE DATING AMES. Remember Ames, from Ashley’s season, (yes, the one who had to go to the ER when they were in Tokyo, or wherever, because he got beamed in the face on that boxing group date) who ended up with Jackie, on Bachelor Pad 2? (Ugh. Bachelor Pad. Rest in peace, Blakely and Tony’s relationship/engagement) 


- Baby gurl, the intellectual connection isn’t there. Never gonna be. Props to you for trying to hold out to find it, but it’s not gonna show up. 

- Even her scalp is sunburned. I’m as stressed about these UV rays as Sharmander is about merging her checking account with Pollo Loco’s, tomorrow.

- I keep waiting for Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s kissing to become un-awkward.

….It isn’t. 

- Regardless, I am loving Sharleen’s dress right now. She is the classiest of broads, mental breakdown or no.

- Oh Sharleen has some confusion about life and love. So what does she do? Rooftop Chat with Renee. Rooftop Renee. A Rooftop Rene Nightcap, if you will…

Questions I have:
- Did Sharleen just learn the word “chemistry”? Because she has used it NINETY FIVE times tonight. At least she’s better at integrating new words than BabyChels…

Memorable Quotes:
- “It is so hard to not kiss him, when I am close to him… that it’s disturbing.” BOOM. #NailedIt

- “I wish I was a little dumber… everything would be simpler.” DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK I SAY THIS TO MY PARENTS?

One on One Date: Nikki

- Ah, and as soon as Chelsie hears that her name is NOT read on the date card… she knows she’s going home. At least she learned a new word on her international travels! Repeat after me, BabyChels, “in-tell-ec-chu-ul." Go home and show Mom and Dad that you learned something!!

- OMG OMG CARLA IS GOING TO BE THERE, AT THE DANCE RECITAL. HIS EX! CAMILA’S MOTHER! Did this just turn into Flavor of Love?! (Or Sister Wives, perhaps?)
(*Update: when I have doubts and questions about my life, I turn to Jesus. When I have doubts and questions about this show, I turn to Chris Harrison's blog... APPARENTLY it isn't as big of a deal to meet the fam in Venezuelan culture, which is why they did this, but still... this is a lot.) 

- Glad Camila has baked chips. You fight that obesity, girl. Except when she gave Nikki a kiss at the end of the date (whose idea was that?) Nikki said “You taste like Cheetos!” Baked Cheetos, Nikita.

- I just… I don’t hate Nikki. I don’t hate her at all. I keep waiting for the moment when I’m filled with repulsion at the sight of her, and it just… isn’t happening.

- Its ok Nikki, what JP and Carla have is natural. You should feel comfortable. At the rate they’ve been going, with the besos all around today, I can only surmise that JP is meaning that he, Nikita, Carla and Camila will all be sharing a communal bed and it will be natural….

- Please don’t walk around that stadium barefoot, Nikita. Please just don’t.

- He is so very sweaty, as they walk around the stadium, right now. I feel you, JP. I feel you.

Questions I have:

- Ok wait… am I the only one who was thinking THIS, when they cut to Carla (his ex) watching the recital?

- Can we talk about how this date would have gone if Sharleen had been on it? Meeting the parents and the ex-wife? 
It would have looked like THIS... 

- Where were the rest of Nikki’s shorts, during the recital, and where is the rest of her dress, at the baseball diamond, right now?

Memorable Quotes:
Nikki: where’s your office?
JP: Heeere! Taaa Daaa!
Grace: It’s because he doesn’t have a real job!

JP: “Nikki is thinking. I like it when she is thinking…”
 Grace: …Do you though, JP? You seem to have a hard time with women who... have thoughts.

Sharleen’s Graceful Exit

- Psh, the swirling piano music is no big, at this point, while Sharmander is walking to JP’s room. They started playing it during the Rooftop Renee Nightcap…

- Let’s take a moment to appreciate the look of panic on JP’s face, when he opens the door to see a dolled-up Sharmander. He’s thrilled at the prospect of some besos with Sharleen, but a torrent of slut-shaming memories comes down on him like a Miami rainfall, and he has to reign in his excitement…

- WHY IS SHE WHISPERING RIGHT NOW!?!? The mic is still on, Sharmander. And her whispering isn’t the kind of volume that one uses when they can’t muster up the emotional courage to speak at full volume, she seems genuinely convinced that she can speak at a level that is undetectable to Bachelor Intern Jacob… She has clearly underestimated the kind of whispering that Jake has had to interpret from both his girlfriend Kayla AND his sister Layla… #subtitles

- Sharleen is literally the real-est human that has ever been on this show. She’s too painfully real to even exist on reality TV and I just can't even HANDLE it...

- I need JP to stop pawing her face and sculpting her nose. STOOOOP. Why are they so weird? What is haaaappeningggg

- Well if you have to make an exit… She certainly chose a nice outfit…

- Ohhh and we’re cueing up the soulful guitar strains, for JP’s interview, post-Sharmander-exit…

Group Date: Andi, Clare, Rene and BabyChelsie:

- I’m surprised that Clare hasn’t chewed off JP’s arm, for holding Andi’s hand on the plane right now…

- Aww look: Chelsie’s parents wrote her a collection of letters, because she’s still a scared 9 year old, heading off to sleep-away camp…

- Clearly Andi is in DESPERATE need of Rooftop Rene Nightcap, as we see her come unglued on the beach with JP right now…

- Ohhhh the Deceased Daddy DVD… Here it comes… I WILL say this: at least Clare is GREAT at fighting tears and not crying. That just might be the only thing she has going for her...

-  Aaaand there’s a Latin Drake on the stage of this club where Andi and JP are... Bienvenidos a Meeeeeami

Memorable Quotes:
Andi: How do you calm me down so much?

Clare: I would love it if Juan Pablo would be the man to watch that video…
Grace: I wouldn't.

Nikki on Clare: “She didn’t get crazy all on her own; it had to come from somewhere.”
Aaaaand I think we're done here...

Questions I have:
- Wait… has Andi been sedated? SHE IS A DRONE, RIGHT NOW. A giddy, smiling... drone.

- Double-wait… Rene was on this date?

Way to plant, Ann

- Ok ok here we go, I figured out why Andi is a drone... Rose Byrne, aka Clare, slipped Andi a pain killer before the three shots that she took… that’s why we’re seeing a different side of Andi… 

I'm ready to paaaaaarty!

- Waaaaaait. Nikki and Clare. This fight. This FIGHT. What is going onnnn???

1) Lovingggg how Nikki tried to give Clare an easy out by telling her she could “excuse yourself from my room” and Clare took the route of a NINE YEAR OLD by attempting to prove that it was a common space…


3) I'm going to say it: have we been played? Is this all a ruse? Because if Clare and Nikki  hate each other so much, WHY didn't they go on a two-on-one date? WHY? Clearly Jacob was too busy attending AA meetings, no thanks to a little habit he developed from spending too much time with Hare, to schedule a two-on-one... 


Rose Ceremony: 

- Ohhhh the editors had some FUN with this scene. FIFTY FOUR. That is the number of seconds of silence that we just sat through, between Nikita and Clare. I will say this: interesting to note that neither woman (from what we've seen) has tried to rope JP into this drama, which seems like it would be the high road, but can we credit any of these women with taking a high road? 

- JP sums it all up perfectly with his less-than-verbose exit: “Mr. Chris, I’m gonna… try to think…”

-Why didn't we have a sit-down with Hare, this week? Or for that matter, why didn't JP get a Rooftop Rene Nightcap? That would have solved so many problems... 

- Oh my word… the tears have already started before the limo ride of shame… From both parties… Oy vey... 

And what kind of editing have they cooked up, for this two night event next week? Please tell me he calls one of the women "Carla" by accident... Can't wait.

Verbal Faux Pas:

Shocking no one, El Pollo Loco was our biggest contender this week, with two (that I happened to be tuned in for, anyway) to Sharleen, he said: "I’m not gonna take anything against, or not, cause I like honesty…”
...I didn't know you could take something against someone... Pollo Loco. what a fount of prepositional wisdom... 
- At some point, he said to Nikita: “Be yourself, hanging out and family and that’s it.” 
...I don't even know where to begin. Is this a disagreement of sentence types? As in, a declarative and an imperative thought in the same sentence? Verb disagreement? I just... THERE'S DISAGREEMENT. (Grammatical, spiritual, physical, emotional... etc)

- During her beach breakdown, Andi remarked, “I have a tough shell.” 
Oh dear. 
I hope she's never used that line in court. The only appropriate coating that may follow "tough" would be "exterior." I do believe she was looking for "hard shell" or "thick skin," but one's shell is never tough. Common mistake, Andes Mints. We won't hold it against you. I'm sure Stephanie Meyer and E.L. James write about tough shells, everywhere...

- Ah, Clare tells us about the whereabouts of the Deceased Daddy DVD: “He put it in the bank vault."
Newsflash, Clare: the term is "safety deposit box." You're welcome. 

And finally... I only see fit to close with this summary of my feelings about last night:

(If you're unfamiliar, do yourself a favor and google "West Wing CJ Coatsworth Hay")

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

She'll Just Keep Dancing Like She's.... 22

Let me be clear: it would be embarrassing if I had to say to my roommates “guys, can we turn off the Olympics? I know they’re only one once every four years, but El Pollo Loco is on tonight, kthanks…”

…But I didn’t say that.

My darling roommates said “Guys, we need to turn off the Olympics. The girls are in New Zeland tonight..." That made me so happy. It was like I was Dez, on Cloud 9. "Like, imagine the best dream you've ever had. Now times that by ten. Now LIVE IN IT."

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

This post is dedicated to Wendy Upchurch Farmer. I have never met Wendy in my life. But she reads my commentary. And while girls like Clare and Andi say things like, "I just want someone to take care of me. Someone to care, you know?" I say, "I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO THINK I'M FUNNY." 

Here's to you, Wendy.

Pollo Loco Takes New Zealand

- I'll admit: the aerial views of New Zealand were pretty breathtaking. And somehow I feel like we were probably seeing the shoddy side of NZ, because you KNOW El Bachelore Intern Jacob was barfing out the side of the helicopter while trying to direct the aerial footage, fighting one of the worst hangovers of his life, after trying to drink Hare under the table on their last night in 'Nam...

- Kat informed us that they were staying in, “one of the most exclusive resorts in the entire world.” I knew she was prone to bring up her alcoholic father at seemingly inopportune moments, but I didn't know that she was also prone to hyperbole...

- CASSANDRA IS INCAPABLE OF SAYING THE PABLO, IN ‘JUAN PABLO.' Clearly she hasn't even been in school long enough to learn that sometimes people have double names cause she's obviously NINE YEARS OLD. 

(I'm kidding. She's not nine. But she is (as of the day of her group date, actually) just now old enough to rock out to Taylor Swift's "22." That's right. She's younger than Joe Jonas/Jake Gyllenhaal/John Mayer/Harry Styles' ex-girlfriend...)

- The girls are in awe of the scenery (rightfully so) but “for some reason,” there’s a dark cloud over Clare right now… I WONDER WHY. I'm no meteorologist, but I'm PRETTY SURE that an oceanic romp and some good ole slut-shaming have the makings of a pretty nasty cumulonimbus cloud...

- Ohhhh wait, wait: eight minutes in, Cassandra says the PABLO. Look at our little girl, growing up so fast!

- Cassandra laments that it’s hard to feel like this whole thing is worth her while when she has a son back at home, and she’s dating a guy who is dating other women… DID NO ONE TELL HER THAT THIS WAS THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW?!?
Also, it took approximately ninety five seconds for that goopy, mascara-infused tear drop to fall from her eyelashes, just now. Not to mention... her stoic expression, combined with Renee’s, as they mutually weep over their children and their defense mechanisms… is odd.

One On One Date: Andi

Here's what happened: They navigated through some rocks, while trying to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars (but didn't have NEARLY the chemistry that Han and Leia did...) and eventually got to a waterfall hot tub. Or hot tub waterfall, pick one. They had dinner by a geyser that was horribly unromantic because it started peeing on them, while they were trying to gnaw on the (unfortunate and exotic looking) New Zealand meat....  

- Andi has that Khloe Kardashian hombre hairstyle. Don’t- DON’T get me started on all of the qualms I have with this…

- Not to mention that THIS is how it looked, when she de-boated herself:

....Reindeer jumper?

- I am so VERY unopposed to Andi’s one piece. Get it, girl. MODEST IS HOTTEST.

- As they wiggle through the trash compactor rocks,          Andi is wondering where JP is taking her… Apparently JP is wondering where JP is taking her...

- I don’t even know what kind of nonsense Andi is spouting about the geyser, as they walk away from it... She's somehow nervous that she ruined the date and won't get a rose now, even though it was totally the geyser's fault, and not hers... Why does this seemingly empowered woman turn into a shrinking violet around Juan Pablo?? I DON'T get it.

Questions I have:
- What kind of skin protection did the camera guy have, wading through this cold water? Was he wearing those fishing coveralls? Or was he going commando?

- What kind of water boots is Andi wearing, as she straddles JP under this hot tub waterfall hot tub, right now? New Zealand tevas? 

- Andi is nervous that she ruined dinner. Newsflash, Andi McDowell: IT WAS A GEYSER THAT RUINED DINNER. But nevertheless, JP reassures her, “It’s fine… its nature…” (Again: it is JP's blithe dismissal that calms her, not her own natural reasoning and deduction... I'm not even a feminist and this guy is making my indignation rise...)

Memorable Quotes:
- While they're wading through the trash compactor, something is telling Andi that if she just “lets her guard down and trusts Juan Pablo, something amazing could happen…” How many snipits of her audio did they have to piece together to get THAT clip?!

- Andi: “Whats the number one thing you want in life?"
     JP: “Love, somebody, kids." Let's note how that wasn't "love somebody," it was "love... or somebody...         or kids."

- “It’s ironic to be standing next to a geyser, because our chemistry is bursting through as well..."
iiiiiiii think we're done, here.

Group Date: Everyone but Clare

Here's what happened: they went zorbing, but it was called something else. Apparently they did the poor man's (or rich man's, perhaps?) zorbing. They went to the Shire. Sharleen got the rose and Cassio got sent home. I don't know about you, but she's feelin' 22...

- Cassio is whining that she hasn’t had any time with Juan… MAYBE IF YOU CALLED HIM JUAN PABLO, YOU’D GET A ROSE… Just keep dancing like you're 22, Casio.

- Sharleen JUST might be the first contestant in the history of this show who has even HEARD of J. R. R. Tolkein… I'm not upset by her geeking out right now...

- Aaaaand Rene and JP just took a Blurry Shire Selfie… Make that... a Blurry Shire PARENT selfie. Because unlike Casio, Rene is (still) "one of his special ones."

- The producers clearly fed Cassio the Gollum about “my precious” rose, because SHE WAS STILL A FETUS WHEN THE LOTR MOVIES CAME OUT.

- OHMIGAH THIS IS THE WORST BIRTHDAY OF CASSANDRA’S LIFE, EVER. No birthday will be as bad as this one. Never again. Cassandra never has to worry about what a horribly bad birthday is going to be like. Cause this was the WORST.
His farewell to her was NOT this bad, but it was bad…

-   This sleeping cat behind Chelsie right now… I just don’t even know what to say…

Questions I have:
-          Is anyone else hearing the lyrical music playing in the background right now, during Cassio's exit?!?! WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? HOW?! They never do lyrical music during the exit!

Memorable Quotes:

- Nikki reminds us of the important things in life: “I don’t want to leave here with regrets, I want to leave here with a husband and you don’t get that by keeping your feelings in…”

...well that's one way to put it...

- Sharleen: You cut right to the chase, don’t you?
JP: What does that mean? 
I will not dignify this language barrier with commentary...

- Cassio laments, “I just want love so bad…” One thing about this show of which I will never tire: how the girls take the limo ride of shame and whine about how badly they just want to find love… As though they are being sent home simply because they just didn’t WANT LOVE badly enough…

One On One Date: Clare
Here's what happened: Ugh, I don't even know what happened. I am so deeply sick of Clare, it's unreal. No wonder she and Niiki butt heads next week. Clare, you're 57, and so wretchedly entrenched in your neurotic ways that you will never get along with anyone... I shall hark back to the season of Sean's Giant Snow Bus, for a noteworthy quote from... What was her name, that wouldn't kiss him, but then did, but then got sent home? Ah yes:

Ugh. Speaking of Sean's Giant Snow Bus... Rest in Peace, Sean's relationship with #MyBestFriendLez
Abs at heart, bro.

- I am wildly confused by what Juan Pablo could POSSIBLY be trying to say about what he and Clare have to “teach each other” about being parents and communicating, but… I don’t have the energy to even begin to decipher...

- Based on the NOT squinting that is happening in the sunlight, on Clare’s part right now… Girl has had some injections to prevent certain parts of her face from moving…. I still say she's 57.

- JOSH RACHET IS BAAAACK! I don’t care about these stupid sweat pants that they're wearing, and neither does Rachet.

- There might be girls like Kelly out there, who don’t want men to “see them without their face on,” but tell me what girl has the opportunity to lounge in sweat pants, and opts to say “Yeah I’d really like to leave this thick foundation on my face and keep this skirt that I can’t breathe in, let’s just keep that up…” SHUT UP ABOUT HOW "CASUAL" YOU ARE, CLARE.

Memorable Quotes:
- Clare used to “Houdini her way out of things.” Let’s just… that. She didn’t try and tell JP that she is a former Houdini-er, but she did try to tell him that she used to “bolt,” and he had no idea what that meant.

Her subsequent explanation offered little clarity.

Other things that offer little clarity include, but are not limited to:
Blurred Liiiines

- “Clare has got something going on that is just so attracted to me…”
Oooook, Pollo Loco, ok.

Rose ceremony:

- What is UP with this exchange between JP and Nikki right now, with this whole "How much is a little? How much is more than a lot?” WHO’S ON FIRST, NIKKI?! GET OUT.

- Kat’s been journaling, guys. 
...But apparently that wasn't enough to keep her around... Juan Pablo clearly has ZERO concept of what she is saying to him right now, but the wheels that ARE spinning are telling him to send her home, stat.

Ugh, this season is just the worst. 


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

She Just Wants to be a Panda Bear...

...In a room full of Brown Bears.

First things first:

Emily Maynard is engaged.

Let’s just take a look at the facts, shall we?

1) He gave her FOUR engagement rings. That is not a joke.

I’m sure I’m not the first to make this joke, but let the record show: this means that he officially gave her one ring for every engagement that she’s had in her life: Ricky the First, B-rad, One-F-Jef and now him… Does that make B-rad the big fat ring? 

Either way, dude must be rich...

Lest you think I'm making a tacky remark about another's financial standing, allow me to finish that sentence:

He must be rich in friendship and the love of Jesus.

I'm hoping that NO ONE is wondering where that line came from, because it obviously came from none other than Big Daddy Rock Star himself: 

I think I asked him if he was rich when I was in about the second grade, and that was his reply. Every now and then I'll ask him out of the blue, just to see how far his answer has evolved. I think the last time it was "I'm rich in God's love and in the friendship of people who extend the right hand of Christian fellowship..."

2) When Maynard made the announcement, she said the following: "And no, it's not to someone I met on a reality show or even a dating site, but to an amazing man I met through my church, Forest Hill, in Charlotte.”

May we just take a moment to address Miss Maynard’s tone, here? It is as though she is chiding Middle America for believing in fairy tales on reality TV, when she, in fact, TRIED TO LIVE IN SAID FAIRYTALE NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE. Also… Forest Hill’s attendance will definitely be up for the next few weeks. Good one, Em.


This post is dedicated to Molly Campbell and Christine D'Amore. All I want is to entertain the people, and those two find me to be entertaining. 

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

So a roommate, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, somehow didn’t set a series recording for this show… We started the episode 30 minutes late. I’m terribly un-sad about it, did I miss anything? Apparently Mama Rene went on a date, didn't make out with him (as we later found out) but got a rose. 

Group Date: Chelsie, Sharleen, Clare, Andi, Ali, Kat, Cassandra, Danielle

Here's what happened: they had to pair up in these boats to float down the river, and because Clare has ZERO friends, she got to row with Don Juan himself. (May I JUST take a moment to call our minds back to the time that MyBestFriendLez DEMANDED that Seannie be her rowing buddy, on their way to the Polar Bear Plunge of Doom? I'm JUST saying. Partners should be a CHOICE, not a default. Clare.) Whilst walking down a (Vietnamese) back country road later on in the date, Don Juan asked a native if he knew where they could get some grub, and said native was gracious enough to bring the Gaggle of Girls + Don Juan into his home and feed them all. Clare got the rose and then pulled a Courtney Roberts, by getting Don Juan to go swimming with her, because "swimming in a warm ocean" was on her Bucket List. In addition to that being on Clare's Bucket List, I am married to Sean Lowe, and Tina Fey is President of the United States.


- Well Clare has obviously taken her hair extensions out… Gives a whole new meaning to "letting your hair down..." YUK YUK YUK...

- Post Row-Your-Boat, Don Juan elects to ask a local if he knows where they might find a nearby McDonalds… Said local motions them into his house. They follow him into his house

...Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking?

Vietnamese Easter Egg Hunt, RIGHT?!

- Admittedly un-creepy local takes Gaggle of Girls + Don Juan into his garden, which is apparently bigger than the vinyard acreage of Dennis Quaid in The Parent Trap. Cassandra thinks that it’s so great that people do these things where they care for the land together, and gather food. She wishes we could bring this idea to America. (I'm not even trying to be funny: she genuinely said that) When I asked if I'd heard her right, my friend Johnny said, "Oh, she just thinks it would be a great idea to have them in America. To have farms in America."

- Well Kelly is certainly a pro with a pair chopstix… Something tells me that this JUST might be the only thing working in her favor, for this entire episode...

- The blind trust that Andi puts in el Pollo Don Juan Loco when he says “trust me” makes me VERY skeptical of her DA skills.. He just says "trust me" and she literally just flips a switch and suddenly has ZERO doubt... 

- During their Oceanic Romp, Clare remarked that JP was holding onto her because he wanted to protect her and keep her safe. 
.....Grace thinks it’s for other reasons…

- Now Clare is talking about Baby Giraffes and I just don’t even know what’s happening anymore.

Questions I have:
- Clare is now asking JP what he looks for in a woman… This is the question that gets asked on the FIRST NIGHT, and then NEVER AGAIN. Why is she asking this now? How does she not know this?

- Are we not going to see the girls’ reactions to JP and Clare coming back soaking wet, from their pool jaunt?

- Why did we need to see that shot of Kat smelling Clare’s rose? Had she never inhaled one before?

- Remember that time it took Clare FORTY FIVE MINUTES to inquire if JP wanted to go swimming in the ocean? I tell my Kindergartners this all the time: USE YOUR WORDS, CLARE.

- Like, did JP take her v-card? Did he? THERE; I ASKED IT. I mean, what happened during that Oceanic Romp? Everything that Clare was saying about letting go and being vulnerable and living in the moment made me barf in my mouth (and I may or may not be as adept as Clare at repressing said barf...) I"m so confused about what went on, but I don't think I WANT any explanation... 

Memorable Quotes:

- When they were floating just around the river bend and Don Juan leaned in for a beso, he asked Clare, "Do you like this sneakiness?” No, I don't, SeanJohnDonJuan.

- About witnessing Clare and JP and the besos, Andi said,“Seeing another one on one date happening in front of me… That’s annoying.” Well put, Andi. I'll give you ten points. But then later she told us, Next thing you know… we’re sucking face again; sorry Mom.” Oh boy. Minus TWENTY points, Ands.

- “I need to know that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears….” No joke, Sharleen said those words. Is it a good thing, to be seen as a panda? Has anyone seen that youtube clip of the baby panda sneezing? That shiz is terrifying. May no man EVER compare me to a Panda...

- Ohhhh more about the SeanJohnDonJuan's Oceanic Romp (BEFORE he was telling Clare that he basically regretted it because "my daughter is going to see that..." what, is she going to see it tomorrow, Don Juan?) “The waves were wild, and we were wild, too…”

....I think we're done, here.

One On One Date: Nikki


- Well so far, if anything: Nikki’s hair is killing it.

- Nikki JUST might be the first GENUINELY terrified contestant on this show, to face a height challenge… I'm not particularly afraid of heights, but I'd be pretty concerned about insurance coverage and Vietnamese hospitals if I were about to repel 200 ft, but girl was  petrified. 

- I mean… you guys. I really like Nikki. Am I alone, here? Is there something I’m missing?

- I do NOT enjoy this penchant of Don Juan’s for petting the face. Stop grazing her nose and chin with your hand, IT'S WEIRD

Memorable Quotes:
- Nikki weighed both sides of the abyss plunge: “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants…” HEY NIK,  IF YOU POOP YOUR PANTS, YOU'RE STILL IN THE ‘ALIVE’ BRACKET

- “Even though we’re in hell, being here with Juan Pablo makes it feel like heaven.” Ohhhhh there it is.

- When Don Juan told Nikki that he liked how upfront she was with negative aspects of herself, she said, “Not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time…” to which he replied, “I know that, and I know that some people just say ‘sunshine and rainbows and stars and beautiful.’” So I've definitely never heard anyone ever say that, but apparently Don Juan runs into optimists ALL THE TIME. 

Rose Ceremony:

I mean, just... why all this stuff about Clare and Don Juan and the ocean? With her excuse of tears being "bad allergies, girl!" we all discovered that Clare is actually the worst liar on EARTH and while I'm not one to dwell on explicit subjects, I would like to remark that it is obviously next to impossible for the night to have just been about a dip in the "warm ocean" (ewww) if Don Juan somehow feels that his daughter was disrespected and Clare is basically heaving about the prospect of disrespecting a 13 year old Camila (at least, I'm hoping she won't watch this till she's 13..)

Lastly, I’m pretty sure that everyone is after the rose ceremony right now because it’s been such a tense night and they're all so HORRIBLY jet-lagged. Sharleen is legit sobbing right now… BECAUSE SHE’S SO SLEEPY THAT SHE CAN’T SEE STRAIGHT. 

I honestly wasn't even paying enough attention to catch all of the verbal faux pas last night, but the ones that I DID hear were gems: (both from Sean John) 

- “Me and Clare, we are like, stuck these trees, right now…”

- “She’s getting out of her comfort zone and I’m liking a lot that, about Clare.” 

I'm disliking a lot, that we haven't seen enough Hare. And where was Lieutenant Dan? THAT IS ALL.

If you're Pollo Loco, I'm Pollo Loco...