Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I Just Want to See Ben's Bracelet Collection...

Per usual, I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to make it all about me and remark that only one man has ever suffered the misfortune of meeting my family, and he PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS.

He rode in the Comfort Crusier with my brother: 

This was after (ANOTHER) brunch with my grandmparents... WHATTA STUD.  

And even Catie was smitten with him: 

Ugh. Ok. I will begrudgingly remark on el Pollo Loco Internationale de la Hometown Dates, now. I shall not dignify this episode with a dedication... But since tonight IS A DRAMATIC, TWO-NIGHT EVENT, maybe there'll be one tomorrow... 

Again, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Hometown Date: Nikki, Kansas City


- Nikki’s been waiting for a long time for this day… for this day that she loads up a man on BBQ and forces him to ride a mechanical bull…

- Things I have no desire to do in life, ever: fall off a mechanical bull with another human…
Unless it's THIS.

- Wait I’m loving Nikki’s Mama. And love that she literally let Nikita take two bites of green beans before stealing her away. Mama asks if there is a mental attraction to Juan Pablo. Important question Nikita de Madre.

Questions I have:

- Did Juan Pablo steal the barbeque sauce from the gas station BBQ place? Did he?

Memorable Quotes:

- Nikki: I was so excited. I couldn’t sleep this morning.
Juan Pablo: I couldn't sleep last night!
Grace: True Love.

- “I’m kind of looking forward to seeing how Cowboy Juan Pablo is…” CLEARLY NIKITA DIDN’T SEE THE RODEO EPISODE OF DEZ’S SEASON.

- Nikita gushed, “I’m hoping that Juan Pablo goes for gas station barbeque…”
I really, REALLY want to find this to be terribly romantic. I do.
...But I can't.

- My friend Johnny perhaps hit the biggest nail on the head of the night with, “Juan Pablo has nothing to say so he just kisses them.”

- “What have you seen in Nikki that you trust enough?” I’m not quite sure what Padre de Nikita meant by this question, (or how it was edited) but I think Pa is asking a good question…

- “There’s just something about him, I can’t really explain it, I can’t really put my finger on it…” IT’S THAT YOU’RE ON TV, NIKITA.

Hometown Date: Andi, Atlanta


-    I love how the hometown dates have become about the girls exacting revenge for the “craaaaazy things” Juan Pablo made them do... It's soooo craaaazy that Andi is making him go to a gun range right now...

- Juan Pablo 100% did NOT make a bullseye, just now… My money’s on: BACHELORE INTERN DE LA JACOB.

- Hi and Ailey. Those are two names that are happening in Andi’s house right now. No joke. (Correction: her Dad's name is spelled "Hy."

- Andi’s Dad is REAL interested in how many women were left on each of the episodes… I’m not upset about it…

- Insight: If JP is picking up on the hesitant social cues from Andi's family, you KNOW it's going to be a bumpy ride...

- I love how the hometown dates are all about girls asking their families “Can you see us together for the rest of our lives?” when we all know they’re really asking “can you see us dating for a few more months?”


Questions I have:

- Andi’s mom asked if they wanted to “go inside and have dinner”
….Were they outside?

- Why don’t her parents have accents? 

- What is "Hy" short for? I WANNA KNOW.

Hometown Date: Rene, Sarasota


- I have so very few observations of this date; I just want Rene to go home. (Aside from Sharmander) She's just the classiest broad who ever was, and she is way too good for el Pollo Loco.


Questions I have:
- So if anyone has spent ANY time with ANY child under the age of 12 in the past six months, you know that rainbow looms are a thing. They're these windy bracelets that kids weave out of tiny rubberbands and they're basically a bigger elementary school fad than tamagachis and milky pens combined... Ben clearly has a collection of them, that his grandmother referenced. That was pretty much the only thing I wanted out of this episode. WHY DIDN'T WE SEE BEN'S RAINBOW LOOM COLLECTION?!

Memorable Quotes:

-“I am literally going to eat my son, when I see him.” Sometime's Mamas speak in hyperbole when they're proud. It happens.

- “Hey buddy. Juan Pablo.” THAT was his introduction to Ben.

- “I want you to be IN love. Because we can love our pets. But you need to be with someone you are IN love with.”

Hometown Date: Clare, Sacramento


- I like Clare’s relationship with her sister. Wait, her sister is SO un-crazy, HOW did Clare turn out to be such a nut job? (Correction: this would be the FIRST sister she talked to... Named Melissa, maybe? Laura... Laura is a different story)

- Also loving this lap dog right now…

- Wait… Clare is crazy… but this sister Laura is the CRAZIEST. I don’t even know what to say. I believe some credit is due to the editors, but all this back and forth of the sister getting up and walking away but not walking away, not wanting to interfere but not wanting Mama to be manipulated... This is a lot.

- This family is literally Gray Gardens. I am at a loss.

- Aaaaand Juan Pablo likes Mama because they both HEAVILY stumble over their words… (After they fake converse about el Pollo TropicAL for sixteen seconds)

Questions I have:

- I am GOING to say this… how much of Juan Pablo’s attraction to Clare is wanting to fill the wound of losing her Dad? THERE I SAID IT.

- Does Mama speak English?

- Does Mama speak?

Memorable Quotes

-“Right” and “good” are what we’ve heard from Mama…

- Update: Ok she said about four more words. For a grand total of: SIX WORDS. 

I really have nothing to say about the rose ceremony, except thank God that Rene went home. Also oddly convenient that Sarasota is the closes to Miami... NOW GO SEE BEN'S RAINBOW LOOM COLLECTION... 

Verbal Faux Pas:

Let's be real: I've taken to pretty much ignoring JP's speech, because he's such a lost cause... 

- Nikki's Dad: “When you SET DOWN at dinner, you become family.”


There is nothing for me to do except slam my head against my keyboard at this... 

- Rene's Dad: “I think he’s a good guy. Right out the front…”
1) Newsflash, de la Padre: HE'S NOT. 
2) The acceptable phrases would have been "right off the bat" or "right out of the gate." 

That is all.


  1. laughed out loud multiple times. Loving these past two weeks.

  2. I did too! Out loud many times. You deserve some kind of blogger's award, not just for your humor but your range of appreciation. The low brow (SET DOWN) references are balanced by the more cerebral, ex. what could be short for Hy (just about fell off my chair on that one)! Or the reference to Grey Gardens? Take a bow, Grace