Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Magic WHAT?!

This post is dedicated to Kelly M. Davis. She's my bestie. I owe her a phone date. Cause last night I said, "CAN'T TALK I'M IN BACHELOR-LAND." Here's to you, Kell. 

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.


- Yaaaaassss they're gonna objectify some men tonight, yaaaaassss.

- We hear a voiceover saying, “Craig is spinning out of control...” as someone (presumably Craig?) jumps in the pool, fully clothed. OH I AM STOKED FOR THIS.

- HONESTLY. How many more times can it HIT Andi that  “she's the bachelorette??”

- Farmer Chris is mega stoked to start his love story with Andi. Like, he’s running through the mansion like a small child right now.

- Bring on the draaaaaanks. It's 10 am, but who's counting? The men pour heavily until... Cue the 3 Doors Down music as Chris Harrison walks in to talk about the game plan for the week…

- sidenote: I was feeling wildly apathetic about this season, before I started the episode. Four minutes in, I’m back on track. These guys are HOTT.

One on One Date: Eric “Love is Everywhere”
Oh yeah, Andi? Was it in that weird waterfall you and El Pollo Loco had to schlep to? Was it? 

- Baseball player Josh wanted to be Eric’s chaperone, on the date today. TAKE YOUR YUK YUK JOKES AND LEAVE, JOSH. 

- I can’t decide how I feel about them building a sandcastle and flying a kite right now… OHHH THEY’RE MAKING SAND ANGELS. DO NOT. 

- Ok, turns out Schmeric can do a back flip. That’s acceptable.

(But speaking of... Was anyone else reminded of that Sinatra date that she went on with Jeremy, when Andi and Chris were at the horse race?)

- Snowboard Instructer Vito 100% smoked an ENTIRE bowl, right before this.

- Between Andi’s gawking at his snowboarding/ at him being a Renaissance man and his gawking at her pouring the hot chocolate… SHUT UP. I find myself desperately longing for the days of Sean's Giant Snow Bus...

Mrs, Frizzle can't touch this... 

- Let's all take a moment to acknowledge the fact that Schmeric did NOT go in for a kiss. I will absolutely NOT be holding this against him....

Memorable Quotes: 

Eric: So what’s this place called?”
Andi: “This place is called a beach.”
Would you like some yuk yuk to go with that draaaank??

- In regards to her snowboarding abilities, Andi warned, “This is gonna be a curse-filled date.” Fair enough, Dwarfman.

 - Shmeric was stoked, regardless: ”I have to admit, I am a fan for snow bunnies. And Andi’s gonna make a good one.”
Was ANYONE else picturing this?
I'll show you a snow bunny, Schmeric...

- “I can ski. Well... I can’t stop, but I can ski.” I can do the same thing too, Andi. In my mind. 

- Kacie B (circa Ben Flajnik... and then briefly Sean Lowe) was officially given a run for her money yesterday for Wisest Quote Of All Time. On Ben's season, Kacie said that she "just wants it to be over already. I just want it to be the two of us, going to the grocery store and living normal lives together..." However, that was officially challenged last night when Schmeric said, “There’s a list of things that I will never do again if I have a kid.” Seriously, y'all... TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN. 

Questions I have: 

- What, are they gonna fly all the way to Africa in this helicopter? Way too much anticipation happening in this helicopter, right now.

- Twenty minutes? That’s how long you were in the helicopter, Schmeric? LIES.

- OF COURSE HIS DAD HITCHHIKED AROUND THE COUNTRY FOR HIS MASTERS. OF COURSE. Ugh. Eric is straight out of a thriller novel, and he's too good to be true and I need him to NOT.

Group Date: Just... everyone
Except for the Pantstrepreneur, and the guy that got the first impression rose. Give or take. 


- “Party starter Craig” had the wherewithal to ask how the “bare” was spelled, in the “let’s bare our souls…” on the date card. Interesting.

- Ok wait… Waaaaaait. After the FIT that Andi pitched, about stripping down last season… we’re doing THIS?! “IT’S ALL OK CAUSE IT’S FOR CHARITY.” Ok I am NOT a… whatever the type is, who complains about genders needing to be treated equally... But what on EARTH was this date?! How did this even... WHAT? WHAT?! I know I said "yaaaas let's objectify the mennn" at the beginning, but SERIOUSLY?! No one protested this one, along the way?? 

- I THOUGHT I SAW KELLY. Thank God Sharleen is here, too. 

- Dylan on Chris Harrisonnnnnnn right now, staaaah-pppp

Memorable Quotes 

- Andi, on turning the date into Magic Mike: “Let’s be honest, there are some ulterior motives. These men will be shirtless and moving…” Blurred liiiinessss...HAS IT HIT YOU THAT YOU'RE THE BACHELORETTE YET, DWARFMAN?!

- Speaking of Magic Mike, let's talk about Cody. (Wait first, let's talk about actual Magic Mike's Matt Bomer. Just cause we can)

Cause. We. Can. 
First of all, Cody reminds me of THIS guy:

Anyone rememeber Nick, from Ashley's season? No? Perhaps you remember him better as...


Ugh. Bachelor Pad. I will NEVER get over the broken bond that was Blakeley and Tony and that Neil Lane engagement ring. 

Regardless, Meathead Cody dared to utter the words "Magic Cody," last night. 

I only have one thing to say about that: 

- We hear Craig with a sensible: “Josh, I just wanna kill your face…” Love that phrase. Going to use it more often.

- Ohhh but then Craiggy had one too many, and he told us: “I wanna know Andi… I wanna know what she is.” Not who... WHAT

- Dear Andi, if you find yourself saying something like, "I could tell he was nervous about the stripping,” in casual conversation... SOMETHING IS WRONG. 

Questions I have:

- How does one “anticipate the worst” when it comes to a strip routine? Just curious. Cause Marcus was.  

- Ok, but does Teacher Coach Brian have a black eye?

- With whom was Craig in the pool right now? Is that guy not gonna get in any trouble?

- Listen, there’s no mystery… No question of “What happened tonight?” BOY GOT DRUNK. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED. Listen, if I were Craig, having to be shirtless next to Josh, I’d get blackout too. Lest we forget: it was on this same "strip-for-charity" date that Victoria was a hot mess, last season. Do we sense a pattern, here? (I'm looking at YOU, Elan Gale)

- Marcus got the rose, yada yada, Top Gun... Apparently he aptly anticipated the worst?

One on One: Farmer Chris 


- Andi’s never “been to the races before.” NEWSFLASH: “THE RACES” DON’T HAPPEN IN CALFORNIA.

Questions I have:

- Huh. Do the proceeds from winning these bets go to charity, too? 

- May we just take a brief moment to discuss how they're kissing while a dude is singing, "Am I meant to be alone?” SHEESH

Memorable Quotes: 

- THESE ARE 100% BACHELORETTE INTERN JACOB’S GRANDPARENTS. The ones who have been together for 55 years? The Reinsteins. Grandparents of Jacob Zebulun Reinstein.

- "LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO PICKED WINNERS, ALREADY." Sabba Reinstein got yuk yuk jokez.

- Ohhh greeeeat. A private concert. Josh Ratchet? Five for Fighting? Andi tells us: “There is this band called ‘This Wild Life,’ and we have a private concert…” What a FAIR way to introduce this. She is giving NO impression that she has EVER heard of this band… WHOAAA THEY’RE KISSING. WHOAAAA CHRIS JUST WENT FOR IT.

Oooooookkkkk let's talk about these lyrics. Let's just DISCUSS THEM FOR A MOMENT:

I feel nothing at all, I trip and I fall, running straight into walls, you’re suffering withdrawls.
I’m losing my hope, it hurts in my throat, have my back to the coast, at the edge of my rope. 

I'll let them speak for themselves...

Rose ceremony:

- I'm not upset about Nick V, right now. Not upset about that "date card" or his question "what is it that you're looking for that you HAVEN'T found?" (And you all KNOW I love good questions. I'm looking at YOU, Mark Norman.)

- “I don’t want good…” YOU AND HUNTER HAYES, BOTH, ANDI.

- WHERE ARE THE COOKIES, MARQUEL? Stop fretting about having to step up your game and just GIVE HER SOME COOKIES.

- I mean… Josh is just... saying nonsense. OHHH THEY’RE KISSING. I sense that this one is going far...

- So… No discussion of the Party Starter pulling a Victoria, circa Juan Pablo last season? Ohh he's apologizing with a guitar. Right. Righteo. They say love don't come easy, PartyStarter Craiggy my Leggy...

- Roses went to: Ron, Dylan, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody, Nick V. Patrick, Brian, Brett, Bradley

- I think this is the first time I've ever known who ALL the rejects were, on episode two:

1) Awww Carl. Poor guy. There'll be a picture of him on the fridge in a stripper costume at work now, AND he got sent home... A for effort, buddy.

2) Aaaaand Nick S, the pro golfer (he's NOT a golf cart salesman yuk yuk yuk)

3) CraigoMyEggo. We just couldn't get past you. Sorry.

Verbal Faux Pas: 
- I basically stopped counting when I got fed up with Andi's "Staaaahh-ppp," but special thanks to Schmeric for being a fan FOR snow bunnies. Not OF them.

Love, Dwarfman


Listen, I'm afraid I'm away on business right now and won't be able to post unti-


But seriously.

Commentary will be up early tomorrow morning. I need ample time to go through my notes on the feast that was last night's entertainment... And I refuse to post anything un-funny.

You're welcome.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

So... Cheers... Ya Know?

This post is dedicated to Patrick Elizabeth Shea. His middle name is 100% NOT “Elizabeth,” but somehow I needed to put it in there. His girlfriend Katie is dedicated to the show. Patrick is very dedicated to his girlfriend. In support of her interests, he reads my commentary in lieu of watching the show. You can never be too attentive, Patrick.

Unless you're THIS guy...
I refuse to dignify his presence with commentary...

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

- So we missed the intro to all the guys because the show was only an hour and a half, last night, but we got PLENTY of Andi footage… We still have ZERO clue as to what her job is. Educated guesses from our living room peanut gallery last night included but were not limited to:
o   Photographer of graffiti
o   Wear-er of excessively thick blue coats
o   Performer to an empty courtroom (but seriously, that courtroom was EMPTY. My money’s on Bachelorette Intern Jacob pulling that Coutroom Closed Caption Typist off the STREETS.)
STILL wasn't as good as this chick... 

- Andi arrives at the Bachelor/ette mansion in a regular car. Thank goodness we’re done with that stupid Cinderella-Dez-Car gig. (But you know that with which we’re NOT done? DEZ DOING SUAVE COMMERCIALS. I mean… really? Did anyone else see that?)

- Living Room Peanut Gallery (LRPG) voiced unified relief that Andi chose the second dress to wear for the night. (What kind of sister lets her sibling wear that first one? Answer: a jealous one. I’m JUST saying.)

Memorable Quotes:
- Ah, this is clearly NOT Amateur Hour with Andi, as we hear her say that “Part of the way you find love is kissing.” The LRPG conjured up the image of Andi standing in front of a line of 25 men, going down and giving them a peck, one by one, and declaring either “yes” or “no,” after each one. Which, in turn, brought up the flashback to Jamie Otis “instructing” Ben Flajnik in the art of kissing. We had very little idea of just how intensely Jamie O. would be imminently brought to the forefront of our consciousness, with the arrival of good ole Crazy-Eyed-Chris…

I will NEVER tire of this photo...
- As Andi’s (questionably jealous) sister was affirming her choice in horrible dress number one, LRPG member Carolyn remarked, “The things my brother would be saying to me right now… ANTITHESIS.” The LRPG quickly realized that the combination of comments from all of our siblings in that instance would average out to,”You’re an idiot. Stop this. You’re a moron. Don’t.”

- Andi: “I do sushi seven days a week.” Really? SEVEN days a week? What kind of sushi are we talking, here? Swanky Atlanta Sushi, or Sushi from Kroger?

The Guys:

- I think I’m too overwhelmed by the raw material on which there is to commentate during the premiere, so for the sake of my sanity, (and the sake of brevity) I took notes mostly on their name and occupation. Or in the case of JJ: their *wink* “occupation.” Special thanks to LRPG member Johnny, for standing by on ABC.com to provide occupations that I’d missed. I’m going to nominate him to be the next Bachelor…ette Intern. #LookOutJacob
o   Marcus: Sports Medicine Manager
o   Patrick: Farmer
o   JJ: Pantstapreneur, but I’m not mad about his bowtie. Ohhh he told her to “Have a good one.” This looks promising.
o   Marquel: sponsorship salesman, (what??) who “brought his A game.” OHMIGAH THIS WAS THE GUY WITH THE COOKIES.

….I’m speechless.

Speech. Less.

Without Speech.

(And not because “I’m the worst reader ever” circa Kendall Jenner)

I don’t even know what to say about this. I would seriously send everyone home that instant. I am SO sold on Marquel IT’S UNREAL.

o   Tasos: Wedding Event Coordinator… the lock and the key on Lovers’ Bridge… blah blahhh. Ohhhh I’m guessing Bachelorette Intern Jacob was dispatched to retrieve that key out of the fountain, to prevent rust. I bet Johnny could have made a quicker retrieval. #LookOutJake
o   Cody: Personal Trainer, OH SHUT UP AND STOP PUSHING THE LIMO. Which is worse? Personal trainer pushing the limo towards Andi, or Lauren S. pushing a piano towards Juan Pablo la Loco?
o   Steven: Snowboard Product Developer (Eliminated) 
o   Rudie: Attorney, “May I approach the bachelorette?” DON’TTTT. DOOONNNN’TTTTT. Ok Intern Jacob CLEARLY had to provide the felt on which that 4th waver thing was written…Ugh. Go home, Rudie. (Ohhh and he did. Looks like the folks at home talked him into a little too much, cause he was CONVINCED they were going to get married...) 
o   Carl, Firefighter. SO CUTE. Gave her a globe. SO HE GAVE HER THE WORLD. Is this While You Were Sleeping, or IS IT WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING?!

o   Jason, doctor… bad jokes. Please stop. STOOOOP. (Eliminated) 
o   Nick. V: Nice suit. Software sales. Got the first impression rose.

- If I hear “I’m a hugger” one more time…

o   Dylan, accountant. He has a personal space bubble and I’m into it.
o   Patrick, soccer player. Weeeell after he scrubs the lime residue out of the fountain, JCake will certainly be fetching that soccer ball…
o   Emil, Helicopter Pilot… He tells Andi to remember his name by “anal with an M.”
1)      He has a sense of humor. Clearly.
3)      You especially can’t fault him when there’s NO other word to be used as a pneumonic device…
(Whoooops. Eliminated) 
o   Brett, hair stylist, WHY DID HE NOT GET A COORDLESS LAMP? Oh. He stole it from the hotel room. Wait, I’m kind of into this. He listens to his mom, has a sense of humor and isn’t afraid of kleptomania. The LRPG was split down the middle when it came to approval of Brett. I CERTAINLY don’t approve of that double rat tail thing he’s got going on…
o   Craig, accountant, brought out champagne, yada yada… Andi calls him “the party starter”

o   BRADLEY IS AN OPERA SINGER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. He looks like the lovechild of Rick Castle and Charlie Sheen.
o   Josh, telecommunication marketer. Cute. (Ohhhh sent home. Sent home rough. Went home rough.
o   Ron, Beverage Sales Spokesperson (Huh?)
o   Nick S. pro golfer, rolled up in a golf cart with, “how are you, love?” SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH A MAN WHO CALLS A STRANGER “LOVE.” Suit is too tight. Please leave, Nick. S.
o   Brian, Basketball Coach (a real life Eric Taylor, perhaps? AMIRITE?)
o   Andrew, Social Media Marketer “Andrew and Andi has a nice ring to it.” IT DOESN’T.
o   Mike, Bartender (Eliminated)
o   Eric, Explorer, Andes Mountains. And THIS would be the guy who… is no longer with us. HE IS A LOOKER. And sheesh, I don’t care if those are dolls from JCake’s sister, that Andes Mountains reference ALONE had me sold…
o   Josh, Former Pro Baseball player

 Jury's still out on this season. I shall have more to say next week.

Love, Dwarfman


Sunday, May 18, 2014

NoBachelorMonday NOMORE


Listen, competition was stiff this year: we were up against classics like "Once Upon A Time In Wonderland," and "Killer Women," OK?? Fortunately Hare sent a fruit basket to the right execs in the ABC office...

Aside from the dead guy, I don't even care enough to comb over this seasons contestants just yet, HOWEVER, I've decided that the cast may best be summarized by THIS guy:

Things I find to be noteworthy:
- "Pantsapreneur"
- Best Attribute: "Huggable"
- What is your favorite memory from childhood: "Playing Gaston in my 4th grade play. It was my first time acting and I had an amazing time -- pluss all the love and support I got from my family doing it was incredible." 
- And finally... even MY DAD doesn't have a sweater with one of those button loopy things. Sheesh. 


Also, I thought Brett was REAL CUTE.... until I saw that he has a glorified rat tail... 

Looks like we have SO VERY MANY things to look forward to, this season...

And finally: Courtney Robertson "wrote" a book.

Gooooood niiiiiiight, Los Angeles!!


(See what I did there?)