Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Magic WHAT?!

This post is dedicated to Kelly M. Davis. She's my bestie. I owe her a phone date. Cause last night I said, "CAN'T TALK I'M IN BACHELOR-LAND." Here's to you, Kell. 

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.


- Yaaaaassss they're gonna objectify some men tonight, yaaaaassss.

- We hear a voiceover saying, “Craig is spinning out of control...” as someone (presumably Craig?) jumps in the pool, fully clothed. OH I AM STOKED FOR THIS.

- HONESTLY. How many more times can it HIT Andi that  “she's the bachelorette??”

- Farmer Chris is mega stoked to start his love story with Andi. Like, he’s running through the mansion like a small child right now.

- Bring on the draaaaaanks. It's 10 am, but who's counting? The men pour heavily until... Cue the 3 Doors Down music as Chris Harrison walks in to talk about the game plan for the week…

- sidenote: I was feeling wildly apathetic about this season, before I started the episode. Four minutes in, I’m back on track. These guys are HOTT.

One on One Date: Eric “Love is Everywhere”
Oh yeah, Andi? Was it in that weird waterfall you and El Pollo Loco had to schlep to? Was it? 

- Baseball player Josh wanted to be Eric’s chaperone, on the date today. TAKE YOUR YUK YUK JOKES AND LEAVE, JOSH. 

- I can’t decide how I feel about them building a sandcastle and flying a kite right now… OHHH THEY’RE MAKING SAND ANGELS. DO NOT. 

- Ok, turns out Schmeric can do a back flip. That’s acceptable.

(But speaking of... Was anyone else reminded of that Sinatra date that she went on with Jeremy, when Andi and Chris were at the horse race?)

- Snowboard Instructer Vito 100% smoked an ENTIRE bowl, right before this.

- Between Andi’s gawking at his snowboarding/ at him being a Renaissance man and his gawking at her pouring the hot chocolate… SHUT UP. I find myself desperately longing for the days of Sean's Giant Snow Bus...

Mrs, Frizzle can't touch this... 

- Let's all take a moment to acknowledge the fact that Schmeric did NOT go in for a kiss. I will absolutely NOT be holding this against him....

Memorable Quotes: 

Eric: So what’s this place called?”
Andi: “This place is called a beach.”
Would you like some yuk yuk to go with that draaaank??

- In regards to her snowboarding abilities, Andi warned, “This is gonna be a curse-filled date.” Fair enough, Dwarfman.

 - Shmeric was stoked, regardless: ”I have to admit, I am a fan for snow bunnies. And Andi’s gonna make a good one.”
Was ANYONE else picturing this?
I'll show you a snow bunny, Schmeric...

- “I can ski. Well... I can’t stop, but I can ski.” I can do the same thing too, Andi. In my mind. 

- Kacie B (circa Ben Flajnik... and then briefly Sean Lowe) was officially given a run for her money yesterday for Wisest Quote Of All Time. On Ben's season, Kacie said that she "just wants it to be over already. I just want it to be the two of us, going to the grocery store and living normal lives together..." However, that was officially challenged last night when Schmeric said, “There’s a list of things that I will never do again if I have a kid.” Seriously, y'all... TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN. 

Questions I have: 

- What, are they gonna fly all the way to Africa in this helicopter? Way too much anticipation happening in this helicopter, right now.

- Twenty minutes? That’s how long you were in the helicopter, Schmeric? LIES.

- OF COURSE HIS DAD HITCHHIKED AROUND THE COUNTRY FOR HIS MASTERS. OF COURSE. Ugh. Eric is straight out of a thriller novel, and he's too good to be true and I need him to NOT.

Group Date: Just... everyone
Except for the Pantstrepreneur, and the guy that got the first impression rose. Give or take. 


- “Party starter Craig” had the wherewithal to ask how the “bare” was spelled, in the “let’s bare our souls…” on the date card. Interesting.

- Ok wait… Waaaaaait. After the FIT that Andi pitched, about stripping down last season… we’re doing THIS?! “IT’S ALL OK CAUSE IT’S FOR CHARITY.” Ok I am NOT a… whatever the type is, who complains about genders needing to be treated equally... But what on EARTH was this date?! How did this even... WHAT? WHAT?! I know I said "yaaaas let's objectify the mennn" at the beginning, but SERIOUSLY?! No one protested this one, along the way?? 

- I THOUGHT I SAW KELLY. Thank God Sharleen is here, too. 

- Dylan on Chris Harrisonnnnnnn right now, staaaah-pppp

Memorable Quotes 

- Andi, on turning the date into Magic Mike: “Let’s be honest, there are some ulterior motives. These men will be shirtless and moving…” Blurred liiiinessss...HAS IT HIT YOU THAT YOU'RE THE BACHELORETTE YET, DWARFMAN?!

- Speaking of Magic Mike, let's talk about Cody. (Wait first, let's talk about actual Magic Mike's Matt Bomer. Just cause we can)

Cause. We. Can. 
First of all, Cody reminds me of THIS guy:

Anyone rememeber Nick, from Ashley's season? No? Perhaps you remember him better as...


Ugh. Bachelor Pad. I will NEVER get over the broken bond that was Blakeley and Tony and that Neil Lane engagement ring. 

Regardless, Meathead Cody dared to utter the words "Magic Cody," last night. 

I only have one thing to say about that: 

- We hear Craig with a sensible: “Josh, I just wanna kill your face…” Love that phrase. Going to use it more often.

- Ohhh but then Craiggy had one too many, and he told us: “I wanna know Andi… I wanna know what she is.” Not who... WHAT

- Dear Andi, if you find yourself saying something like, "I could tell he was nervous about the stripping,” in casual conversation... SOMETHING IS WRONG. 

Questions I have:

- How does one “anticipate the worst” when it comes to a strip routine? Just curious. Cause Marcus was.  

- Ok, but does Teacher Coach Brian have a black eye?

- With whom was Craig in the pool right now? Is that guy not gonna get in any trouble?

- Listen, there’s no mystery… No question of “What happened tonight?” BOY GOT DRUNK. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED. Listen, if I were Craig, having to be shirtless next to Josh, I’d get blackout too. Lest we forget: it was on this same "strip-for-charity" date that Victoria was a hot mess, last season. Do we sense a pattern, here? (I'm looking at YOU, Elan Gale)

- Marcus got the rose, yada yada, Top Gun... Apparently he aptly anticipated the worst?

One on One: Farmer Chris 


- Andi’s never “been to the races before.” NEWSFLASH: “THE RACES” DON’T HAPPEN IN CALFORNIA.

Questions I have:

- Huh. Do the proceeds from winning these bets go to charity, too? 

- May we just take a brief moment to discuss how they're kissing while a dude is singing, "Am I meant to be alone?” SHEESH

Memorable Quotes: 

- THESE ARE 100% BACHELORETTE INTERN JACOB’S GRANDPARENTS. The ones who have been together for 55 years? The Reinsteins. Grandparents of Jacob Zebulun Reinstein.

- "LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO PICKED WINNERS, ALREADY." Sabba Reinstein got yuk yuk jokez.

- Ohhh greeeeat. A private concert. Josh Ratchet? Five for Fighting? Andi tells us: “There is this band called ‘This Wild Life,’ and we have a private concert…” What a FAIR way to introduce this. She is giving NO impression that she has EVER heard of this band… WHOAAA THEY’RE KISSING. WHOAAAA CHRIS JUST WENT FOR IT.

Oooooookkkkk let's talk about these lyrics. Let's just DISCUSS THEM FOR A MOMENT:

I feel nothing at all, I trip and I fall, running straight into walls, you’re suffering withdrawls.
I’m losing my hope, it hurts in my throat, have my back to the coast, at the edge of my rope. 

I'll let them speak for themselves...

Rose ceremony:

- I'm not upset about Nick V, right now. Not upset about that "date card" or his question "what is it that you're looking for that you HAVEN'T found?" (And you all KNOW I love good questions. I'm looking at YOU, Mark Norman.)

- “I don’t want good…” YOU AND HUNTER HAYES, BOTH, ANDI.

- WHERE ARE THE COOKIES, MARQUEL? Stop fretting about having to step up your game and just GIVE HER SOME COOKIES.

- I mean… Josh is just... saying nonsense. OHHH THEY’RE KISSING. I sense that this one is going far...

- So… No discussion of the Party Starter pulling a Victoria, circa Juan Pablo last season? Ohh he's apologizing with a guitar. Right. Righteo. They say love don't come easy, PartyStarter Craiggy my Leggy...

- Roses went to: Ron, Dylan, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody, Nick V. Patrick, Brian, Brett, Bradley

- I think this is the first time I've ever known who ALL the rejects were, on episode two:

1) Awww Carl. Poor guy. There'll be a picture of him on the fridge in a stripper costume at work now, AND he got sent home... A for effort, buddy.

2) Aaaaand Nick S, the pro golfer (he's NOT a golf cart salesman yuk yuk yuk)

3) CraigoMyEggo. We just couldn't get past you. Sorry.

Verbal Faux Pas: 
- I basically stopped counting when I got fed up with Andi's "Staaaahh-ppp," but special thanks to Schmeric for being a fan FOR snow bunnies. Not OF them.

Love, Dwarfman

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