Tuesday, May 20, 2014

So... Cheers... Ya Know?

This post is dedicated to Patrick Elizabeth Shea. His middle name is 100% NOT “Elizabeth,” but somehow I needed to put it in there. His girlfriend Katie is dedicated to the show. Patrick is very dedicated to his girlfriend. In support of her interests, he reads my commentary in lieu of watching the show. You can never be too attentive, Patrick.

Unless you're THIS guy...
I refuse to dignify his presence with commentary...

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

- So we missed the intro to all the guys because the show was only an hour and a half, last night, but we got PLENTY of Andi footage… We still have ZERO clue as to what her job is. Educated guesses from our living room peanut gallery last night included but were not limited to:
o   Photographer of graffiti
o   Wear-er of excessively thick blue coats
o   Performer to an empty courtroom (but seriously, that courtroom was EMPTY. My money’s on Bachelorette Intern Jacob pulling that Coutroom Closed Caption Typist off the STREETS.)
STILL wasn't as good as this chick... 

- Andi arrives at the Bachelor/ette mansion in a regular car. Thank goodness we’re done with that stupid Cinderella-Dez-Car gig. (But you know that with which we’re NOT done? DEZ DOING SUAVE COMMERCIALS. I mean… really? Did anyone else see that?)

- Living Room Peanut Gallery (LRPG) voiced unified relief that Andi chose the second dress to wear for the night. (What kind of sister lets her sibling wear that first one? Answer: a jealous one. I’m JUST saying.)

Memorable Quotes:
- Ah, this is clearly NOT Amateur Hour with Andi, as we hear her say that “Part of the way you find love is kissing.” The LRPG conjured up the image of Andi standing in front of a line of 25 men, going down and giving them a peck, one by one, and declaring either “yes” or “no,” after each one. Which, in turn, brought up the flashback to Jamie Otis “instructing” Ben Flajnik in the art of kissing. We had very little idea of just how intensely Jamie O. would be imminently brought to the forefront of our consciousness, with the arrival of good ole Crazy-Eyed-Chris…

I will NEVER tire of this photo...
- As Andi’s (questionably jealous) sister was affirming her choice in horrible dress number one, LRPG member Carolyn remarked, “The things my brother would be saying to me right now… ANTITHESIS.” The LRPG quickly realized that the combination of comments from all of our siblings in that instance would average out to,”You’re an idiot. Stop this. You’re a moron. Don’t.”

- Andi: “I do sushi seven days a week.” Really? SEVEN days a week? What kind of sushi are we talking, here? Swanky Atlanta Sushi, or Sushi from Kroger?

The Guys:

- I think I’m too overwhelmed by the raw material on which there is to commentate during the premiere, so for the sake of my sanity, (and the sake of brevity) I took notes mostly on their name and occupation. Or in the case of JJ: their *wink* “occupation.” Special thanks to LRPG member Johnny, for standing by on ABC.com to provide occupations that I’d missed. I’m going to nominate him to be the next Bachelor…ette Intern. #LookOutJacob
o   Marcus: Sports Medicine Manager
o   Patrick: Farmer
o   JJ: Pantstapreneur, but I’m not mad about his bowtie. Ohhh he told her to “Have a good one.” This looks promising.
o   Marquel: sponsorship salesman, (what??) who “brought his A game.” OHMIGAH THIS WAS THE GUY WITH THE COOKIES.

….I’m speechless.

Speech. Less.

Without Speech.

(And not because “I’m the worst reader ever” circa Kendall Jenner)

I don’t even know what to say about this. I would seriously send everyone home that instant. I am SO sold on Marquel IT’S UNREAL.

o   Tasos: Wedding Event Coordinator… the lock and the key on Lovers’ Bridge… blah blahhh. Ohhhh I’m guessing Bachelorette Intern Jacob was dispatched to retrieve that key out of the fountain, to prevent rust. I bet Johnny could have made a quicker retrieval. #LookOutJake
o   Cody: Personal Trainer, OH SHUT UP AND STOP PUSHING THE LIMO. Which is worse? Personal trainer pushing the limo towards Andi, or Lauren S. pushing a piano towards Juan Pablo la Loco?
o   Steven: Snowboard Product Developer (Eliminated) 
o   Rudie: Attorney, “May I approach the bachelorette?” DON’TTTT. DOOONNNN’TTTTT. Ok Intern Jacob CLEARLY had to provide the felt on which that 4th waver thing was written…Ugh. Go home, Rudie. (Ohhh and he did. Looks like the folks at home talked him into a little too much, cause he was CONVINCED they were going to get married...) 
o   Carl, Firefighter. SO CUTE. Gave her a globe. SO HE GAVE HER THE WORLD. Is this While You Were Sleeping, or IS IT WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING?!

o   Jason, doctor… bad jokes. Please stop. STOOOOP. (Eliminated) 
o   Nick. V: Nice suit. Software sales. Got the first impression rose.

- If I hear “I’m a hugger” one more time…

o   Dylan, accountant. He has a personal space bubble and I’m into it.
o   Patrick, soccer player. Weeeell after he scrubs the lime residue out of the fountain, JCake will certainly be fetching that soccer ball…
o   Emil, Helicopter Pilot… He tells Andi to remember his name by “anal with an M.”
1)      He has a sense of humor. Clearly.
3)      You especially can’t fault him when there’s NO other word to be used as a pneumonic device…
(Whoooops. Eliminated) 
o   Brett, hair stylist, WHY DID HE NOT GET A COORDLESS LAMP? Oh. He stole it from the hotel room. Wait, I’m kind of into this. He listens to his mom, has a sense of humor and isn’t afraid of kleptomania. The LRPG was split down the middle when it came to approval of Brett. I CERTAINLY don’t approve of that double rat tail thing he’s got going on…
o   Craig, accountant, brought out champagne, yada yada… Andi calls him “the party starter”

o   BRADLEY IS AN OPERA SINGER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. He looks like the lovechild of Rick Castle and Charlie Sheen.
o   Josh, telecommunication marketer. Cute. (Ohhhh sent home. Sent home rough. Went home rough.
o   Ron, Beverage Sales Spokesperson (Huh?)
o   Nick S. pro golfer, rolled up in a golf cart with, “how are you, love?” SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH A MAN WHO CALLS A STRANGER “LOVE.” Suit is too tight. Please leave, Nick. S.
o   Brian, Basketball Coach (a real life Eric Taylor, perhaps? AMIRITE?)
o   Andrew, Social Media Marketer “Andrew and Andi has a nice ring to it.” IT DOESN’T.
o   Mike, Bartender (Eliminated)
o   Eric, Explorer, Andes Mountains. And THIS would be the guy who… is no longer with us. HE IS A LOOKER. And sheesh, I don’t care if those are dolls from JCake’s sister, that Andes Mountains reference ALONE had me sold…
o   Josh, Former Pro Baseball player

 Jury's still out on this season. I shall have more to say next week.

Love, Dwarfman


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