Thursday, July 19, 2018

She Thinks His Tractor's Sexy...

Hey subscribers! You know how when your best friend has a best friend you just become friends with them because they're best friends with your best friend? That's Camille, our guest host this week. Special thanks to her for watching, taking notes, and providing us with the Michael Jordan gifs we never knew we always needed. Also quick shoutout to roommate and Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn Murdock, who took the following notes:

First guy. Dunno his name. He’s cute? How do I not know him? Which kid was this?

His family seems fun. Go Mom - rocking a shoulder baring top.

Wait what happened with his ex?

All my notes are just questions. I should stop this.

But really, what the EFF happened with the ex? Was she a lizard person? Was she a he? Did she vote Trump? WHAT DID I MISS?



Thank you for your service, Caro. Ok. Onto Camille's commentary:


Friends,

My name is Camille. I'm from Jackson, MS. I love The Bachelor. I have terrible grammar and I'm ready to voice my opinions. I know Grace through Laura Grace. Here is our awkward photo. I'm the one rocking "the Rachel" 10 years after it was a thing:

Let's dig in

It’s Hometowns. That means I ask my peanut gallery to vote if we are in a real home or a staged home.
Here is a break down by the number for this episode:
  • “this house has too much ugly to be fake” 0 fake homes: 4 real homes
  • 4 toddler jumps (see above)
  • 3 roses
  • 2 wind swept hairdos
  • And only one Daddy Harrison

Garrett: Some farm in California?
We start with Garrett. Can’t wait to hear his family throw his ex-wife under the bus?

Garrett, who as we all remember, exited the limo the minivan and declared himself ready to be a dad. He started their date by having Becca jump on the back of a tractor and they plant tomatoes. I think it was a metaphor of their love growing. Wait no, that was the rose bush they planted next. BORING. But Becca is literally giddy. Giddy.


Here is their exact* conversation:
  • Do you like being out here?-I like being out here.
  • Could you see yourself out here? - I could see myself out here.
This is Lauren and Arie level deep convo.
Which reminds me - RIP Arie

They talk about Garrett’s last relationship. Reminder - that means mostly this:

Garrett thinks his ex was taking him away from his family. Well, Garrett, not to get all Biblical on your ass but the Bible literally says, “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife.” Leave it to Beaver to get this one wrong. This is a dig at the producers for editing Garrett as the wholesome and same values (re: religion) as Becca. We get no real details on 1. any of these values and 2. the ex.
Takeaways from Garrett's family:
  • Overall his family doesn't want to see him get hurt again. They imply that they should have stepped in during his last relationship and they're not going to hesitate this time. It's not like Garrett is an almost 30 year old adult capable of making his own decisions.
  • His sister literally cries/squeals, "You never want to see somebody be irking (hurting?) like that.” It made my night. We had to rewind it 5 times so I could attempt to write down what she was saying. I have two brothers and I would never let my voice do this on national television for either of them.
  • Garrett hugs his grandmother goodbye and tells her, "I love you too," and his dad immediately mocks him.
    • This is a huge red flag to those of us who already know Garrett as a misogynistic, racist Tomi-Lahren-liking jerk. Thanks, social media.

Overall, Becca is totally into him. They edited this to make Garrett look "wholesome", salt of the earth, and basically like a minivan-driving, soon to be dad, and overall Becca's dream guy. BUT something is off with their chemistry when Becca says goodbye. IDK what.

Jason: Buffalo, NY
We’re on the same page with Jason. Right? He’s still around just because he is a good kisser.
I don't want to fight Grace on her own blog but regarding Newsies:
Movie > Theatrical butchery of the plot and music.
And Jason is Brooklyn.

Hi it's Grace and I am not looking for a fight either but may I suggest that perhaps: 
Netflix Movie Production of the musical > Movie > Live show? 
JUST LISTEN TO JOEY'S ACOUSTIC VERSION OF SANTA FE, OK?? 

I'll keep this brief. But my favorite part about watching Jason was when Carly's brother, who stopped by our viewing party, called him " a sleazy investment banker" at the beginning of his segment and then we realized that he really is a senior investment banker and it blew our collective-peanut-gallery-minds.
Wing Eating Contest- can you think of a worse televised date idea? This takes place where the "buffalo" style chicken wing was invented. Their kiss afterward was #saucy I bet. Can't wait to see a future hometown at Chick Fil Et...
Ice Skating- Jason calls Becca, Bec-ster, which sounds like Baxter (oh hey that’s my brother's name) 
like 10 times. 
Perfect segue  to Jason's brother.... He's gay and ABC totally normalizes it. Jason obvi loves and admires his brother and his brother's relationship.
I love Jason.
I love Jason's family.
They are supportive but they also ask him questions that will lead him to think and form his own conclusions.
Jason has a great goodbye.
  • Tells her he loves her
  • Great kiss #duh
  • Becca says I'll miss you
Blake: Bailey, CO
Blake almost seems too innocent for this. He's already told Becca that 1. he's falling in love with her and then last week he said 2. that he's in love with her. He's such a great Bachelor contestant going through the typical Bachelor motions.
Blake takes us to his high school. Ok, before you judge him and the producers for making him look like he's stuck in high school, you need to know two things: 1. Blake's mom worked at the school and Blake says he grew up spending so much time here 2. Blake and Becca sit down in the library. I immediately notice the intern made, computer paper-blue marker #BaileyStrong sign behind them. It turns out during Blake's senior year, there was a school shooting. Blake's mom even made the announcement "Code White" on the intercom. A girl died and this was tragic. Blake goes deep and talks about his perspective after going through this experience.
The interns had a surprise down the high school hall- a concert with Betty Who! Who? Betty Who. Becca seemed pumped. My peanut gallery got in a long debate if Betty Who is wearing a skort and also the difference between skorts with only the flap in front/shorts in back vs. Skirt over shorts. We are team skirt over shorts FYI. I opted to wear a plaid skirt over a navy skort every day of junior/high school so overall I'm team not-skort but am obvi always willing to give my opinion:
We learned a lot about Blake's family last week (his mom cheated on his dad with his basketball coach). We only really see and hear from his mom. She is super protective and mentions how heartbroken he was after his last break up. Becca seems to really like that he's been through heart break. I guess bonus points if it's aired unedited on national television?
They have a great goodbye. Becca is supa into him. A+ kiss. Becca says see you soon. #swoon 

So if you're paying attention, the first three guys just took up an hour. So Colton and the rose ceremony get an hour. What's about to go down?

Colton: Somewhere IDGAF, CO
We’re friends by now, right? Right-ok, time to be blunt. COLTON IS THE WORST. Colton obviously slid into Tia’s dm’s thinking she would be the next Bachelorette. He had a BRIEF career in the NFL and has been trying to gain on his popularity into celebrity. 1. Aly Raisman 2. Fake Non-Profit. Ok it’s real but is he doing it for the right reasons? Also, it's named after himself and it's a personal pet peeve of mine when people can't collaborate with an existing non-profit, but that's a different rant for a different blog that no one will ask me to guest write. 3. I don’t believe that he is a virgin. I think it's all for camera time. I could go on and on and on so TIA for listening. Get it? I just said thanks in advance but also threw Tia under the bus.
Colton takes Becca to a children's hospital. It's so calculated. I refuse to believe that his heart of stone is really gold. I refuse to like Colton. (He is great with the children.)
Colton has a large family. (He is great with the children. )
Colton's dad questions Colton about Becca being ready for another relationship back to back with Arie. Then his dad mentions Tia to Becca. Colton's dad is a bitch. Colton talks to his mom about his virginity, fantasy suites, and tells her that he loves Becca. Mom is on board. I'm overboard #Goldie Hawn 

Colton tells Becca he loves her. They actually have a great goodbye.
 

Girls: Tia, Caroline, Kendall, Seinne, and Bekah (aka short hair Becca)
Nothing like some girl time at a roof top bar with mimosas champagne glasses full of orange juice. Thanks to The Bachelorette liking to spoil themselves, we already knew Tia would be throwing a grenade on Colton and Becca's relationship and honestly, I was let down. Tia obvi was not ready for confrontation. She was hemming and hawing and finally let it out that she still has feelings. Neither girls were prepared for the wind on the rooftop. Thank you, wind. Without you this would have been the worst produced "confrontation" during this franchise ever. Side note: Do we think Becca is friends with these girls? I think she is with Caroline but I'm doubtful on the others. Side side note: Interns did not grab Tia's lip gloss and it's chilling right behind her during the girl talk.
Rose Ceremony
Friends, let me first share with you that I have been struggling with the fashion statements this season. Obviously, Wills and Jordan do not count.
Garrett- All black. Did you think this Rose Ceremony would be your funeral?

Blake- WTF are you wearing. All black with a red bow tie. You look like a preppy Chicago Bull. You’re not Michael Jordan, this isn’t the 90’s, and this is not a look.


Jason- I liked his outfit… just not his hair

Colton- Gosh, I do not like you. You look like a 90’s Chicago Bull with your too-blue suit pushed up on your arms, t-shirt underneath, and I didn't see but I assume Colton was not wearing socks. If Becca is wearing a sequined gown the least you can do is put on socks.
 

Colton walks in and immediately plays the “I’m a virgin” story card to Daddy Chris Harrison. You can tell that Colton knows he’s getting a rose and trying to pave the way to becoming Sean Lowe and take the fantasy out of the Fantasy Suite. Spoiler alert: Colton goes home to BIP with Tia
Roses go to:
Blake
Jason
Garrett
We see the preview of Becca crying on a bed for the ONE MILLIONTH time with her saying "I did to him what Arie did to me." I don't know what this means or what will happen... but if there is a Bachelor god then we will for sure see the-morning-after- Jason with non-slicked back hair so America can decide if he's attractive or not. Is that too much to ask for Bachelor producers and interns?
 


*not exact, but pretty damn close

Thursday, July 12, 2018

RompHim? I Hardly Know Him!


Ok but like… Will’s outfit. I don’t even want to dignify the term for what he was wearing by saying it here, but alas… He was wearing a RompHIM. A leopard romphim, no less. I'm just…


Becca sits down with Chris and talks about how she’s never been to the Bahamas and how excited she is to be there for the first time with legitimately as much enthusiasm as I would have if I was talking to someone while visiting Romania for the first time. Like, GIRL, it’s the Bahamas. Chill out.

Becca comes to get Colton and there are so many innuendos with the conch thing and I CANNOT be bothered to care. I guess my only question for Becca is: did she not realized that she was being so primed for a big reveal from Colton?! The producers spend ALL day asking her about how much chemistry she has with Colton and she STILL didn’t catch on?! Woof.

Here is the Living Room Peanut Gallery takeaway

COLTON: I’m still a virgin
BECCA: Really?
KELLY: No, Becca, he was kidding. YES, REALLY.

Ok I have a lot of thoughts. I don’t know any other way to go about this than to just list them out:
1)    I really love the picture that he paints of “I was too busy sports-ing to… be a date.” So I now imagine HOARDS of women, lined up on the sidelines waiting to go on a date with him and Colton just saying “Sorry Ladies, gotta sports harder! Gotta do these sprints!”
2)    Who cares about Colton’s virginity?! Why are the guys talking about it like it’s such a big deal? This is also something that is such a case-by-case basis. Like, if I hear that you don’t eat any kind of cookie and you hate all cookies that have ever existed, I know you’re a terrible person. You can’t explain your way out of that one. (Because HI- there are vegan and gluten-free and everything-free cookies these days so there are NOT excuses) but if you tell me you haven’t had sex… there are SO many reasons why and ways this could go. For the dudes to be sitting there, calling every single shot about Colton’s very personal choice is… a lot.
3)    I love that Colton tells Becca “Yeah nobody really knows. Even my dad doesn’t know.” WELL GUESS WHAT, COLTY BABY, NOW MILLIONS OF PEOPLE KNOW FAM.
4)    Now what I DON’T get is when Colton says “I’m not waiting for marriage, I’m waiting for the right heart…” YOU MEAN TO TELL ME that Colton Underwood – THIS GUY - hasn’t met the right heart yet? That feels v v suspect to me. Also, call me cynical, but if there isn’t a SUPER SPECIFIC AND COMMITTED reason you’re abstaining, I CANNOT FATHOM that Colton spent all that time as an athlete and was never tempted by the women who threw themselves at him? THAT is suspect.
5)    Becca got up from the table when he told her that. But then she tweeted that she just got up to go to the bathroom. The chances of either of those options being true is truly 50/50. Either she got up and went to the bathroom and the editors went BANANAS, or she got up and walked away about it. I seriously believe both so simultaneously that I don’t even know WHAT is the truth anymore. Becca seems like a woman of (some more) substance that some of our previous Bachelorettes, so it doesn’t seem like this would be a huge issue for her, so I don’t know why she would have walked away.
6)    Interesting that Becca equates “having sex” with “having lived a ton of life.” I feel like there are a loooooot of qualifications to be determined before you make that call, but that’s just me.  

BECCA: I wanna meet the people that made Colton Underwood….
MADISON: Poor choice of words, fam.
GRACE: First you will meet my sister, Carrie…
KELLY: WAIT REALLY?!?!
GRACE: Absolutely not. Carrie Underwood is not his sister.

Ok so Garrett gets the second date card. Blake is bummed. I am bummed that Blake is bummed. You know who doesn’t get bummed, like apparently ever? Garrett. I have no idea why he and Becca needed to backwards kiss like this on the beach before he told her how he’s never been discouraged in his life, but here we are. Cute swimsuit. Ok but LITERALLY this is what he told her:

GARRETT: I don’t really get down. I can count the deepest darkest times in my life on one hand.
GRACE: Well what were those LIKE, Gare-Bear? How do you handle them? ASK HIM SOME QUESTIONS, BECCA!!
GARRETT: I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect but I think we can be perfect together.
GRACE: I’m not good at math but I don’t think that makes ANY sense. Legit zero.

Becca kind of half throws questions at Garrett about his ex and he says she was a yeller. Which is… concerning. He then continues this concerning rhetoric when he tells Becca that she’s done nothing to “set him off.” Is it just me or is that sort of talk kiiiiiiind of aggressive? Because here’s the thing – why didn’t he just say that his wife “had a tendency to raise her voice,” or “there was a lot of miscommunication” because “she’s a yeller” and “you haven’t set me off” feels concerning.

She gives him a rose. He has the haircut of a Hitler Youth.

Finally – FINALLY Blake gets a date. Guys, if Blake is the next Bachelor, I might forsake all my rules ever and go be on the show. I love him so much.

They go to a performance from… The Baha men. I don’t even know what to say, honestly. I’m pretty sure The Baha Men PAID The Bachelorette for this coverage. That’s the only thing that makes sense becau-

Waaaait Blake can daaaaance.

WAAAAAAIT. You GUYS!!! I love him so much. Marry me!

Also he is GIVING me Gerard Butler in “The Ugly Truth” rn…

When I told the LRPG that he was doing so, this is what ensued:

GRACE: He is giving me Gerard Butler in The Ugly Truth.
KELLY: YAS.
MADISON: Is that the one where he dies?
KELLY and GRACE (in perfect unison): NO THAT WAS PS I LOVE YOU.
MADISON: Ohhhh you mean the one with Katherine Heigl?
KELLY and GRACE: (in perfect unison): Yeah there you go.
GRACE: Did we just become the Golden Girls of RomComs?

OMG BLAKE’S STORY I CAN’T EVEN DEAL JUST MARRY ME BLAKE I WILL HEAL ALL YOUR WOUNDS!! He gets a rose. Cause he is perfect.

Final Date: Wills, Jason and Leo “These days are never easy” (That’s the best they could come up with?)

I got distracted here because I was thinking about Sean Lowe’s episode before hometown dates and how a) He sent Lesley Murphy home in what I still say was one of the worst decisions of anyone’s life, ever and b) the 3 on 1 date was Dez, Lindsay Yenter and Catherine. I looked this up and confirmed it. Not that anyone doubted my memory, but I want to be clear about my expertise.

Jason is SO New York and we can’t even take it here in the Living Room Peanut Gallery. We have legit performed almost half of the production of Newsies, in honor of him, as we talk about what his life must be like. I bet he wears a Newsies Cap every single day as he battles Joseph Pulitzer.

Also quick shoutout to my one and only truelove Jack Kelly – Joey Barreiro himself:




Also, Joey – somehow I remembered that I created this photo for SUUUUUUPER old blog post of mine, no idea why but I really feel like we need to revisit it – NEVER FORGET:



Seriously no idea what that had to do with anything, but it somehow seemed necessary to revisit it.

Becca sits down with Leo and… sucks his face off. Or maybe it’s vice versa. Who’s to say? She then decides that she’s not feeling it with Leo, which we knew she never was, and she sends him home. We didn’t get an exit interview with him but we got plenty of sandy calves…


Jason sits Becca down and tells her why he wants to bring her home... Here in the Living Room Peanut Gallery, all we are thinking about is how we’d wanna go home with him because… of his mom’s cooking. Like, you KNOW she makes a mean bowl of pasta and meatballs.

Becca sends Wills home and it’s a bummer that he’s gonna be on BIP because he would’ve made a GREAT Bachelor I feel as though. But MAN that limo ride was BRUTAL!!

Becca sends Wills home.

“‘I know you’ll find your person’ that’s the worst thing she could have said to me. Cause it means she’s not my person.” WHAT?! I can’t top that. I’ll see you clowns next week.

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…