Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Tia, Tamara Will Be Waiting For You Outside...

Well a good morning to everyone who hasn't been indicted by Robert Mueller yet!! (Although honestly he could indict Arie for being just the WORST.)

Quick Poll: Bekah M's tears last week... real or fake? I know we saw that one crocodile tear fall down her face, but other than that, we saw NO 👏ACTUAL👏TEARS👏. I have been feuding with my boss about it for over a week now because he is saying I don't have a heart and I'm telling him he's being hoodwinked by Bekah... what do you guys think? Seriously - holler at me. 

A few pop culture things we need to discuss:
- I had to take a personal day last Wednesday to mourn the loss of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's marriage. And by "mourn the loss of" I mean "go to the spa and get a hydration-rejuvenation facial because I need to be READY to sweep Theroux off his feet. (Are hydration-rejuvenation facials a thing? I think they are) 
- I'm reading this amazing book right now called Text Me When You Get Home and it's about the amazing bond of female friendships and you all should read it, ASAP. (And to my .07 male readers, maybe you should read it to further your understanding of how AMAZING women are)
https://www.amazon.com/Text-When-You-Get-Home/dp/1101986123

- Fergie's national anthem... YOU GUYS WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?! I am still left speechless by it, to be quite honest. I really don't even know where to begin. Except that she should fire the person who bolted awake in the dead of night and thought "I KNOW! Fergie should do a fresh take on the national anthem!" (Spoiler alert: YOU SHOULD NEVER DO A FRESH TAKE ON THE NATIONAL ANTHEM) 
- Johnny and I partook in our annual Valentine's Day tradition of dinner and a terrible movie this weekend. Which means I HAVEN'T seen Black Panther yet, but I HAVE seen Fifty Shades Freed. Two things I have to say: 1) Johnny, sorry for aggressively punching you in the arm over and over again while Jamie Dornan sang "Maybe I'm Amazed" because I was so uncomfortable that all I could do was sock you in the arm, 2) Honestly everyone who wants to go into screenwriting should see this movie because it is a fascinating study of... how to have ZERO plot. I'm not even joking there was NOT a single plot line in this movie and it was kind of insane and awe-inducing. I have lots of thoughts on the actors in the movie and I'm happy to share them with anyone, but WE MUST GET TO THE HOMETOWN DATES WITH FUTURE MUELLER-INDICTEE, Bachelor Bland Man. 

Living Room Peanut Gallery tonight: Carolyn, Kelly, Erica (Boozer) and Lennyn

KENDALL:
Well I CAN confirm that Kendall DID grow up in Los Angeles because my friend Eric went to high school with her. He maybe dated her, I'm not really sure. I'll try and get more details. Last week I sat in Eric's office for a solid twenty minutes as I flipped through US Weekly and gave commentary about every single page (Sorry, Eric + everyone in that office. But they made it seem on the cover like Carrie Underwood's husband abuses her and I just can't stand for false advertising) 

What I can NOT confirm is Kendall being into taxidermy right now. They legit found a warehouse with a bunch of dead animals. Kendall has probably touched ONE dead animal in her whole lifetime (Eric says she wasn't into dead animals in high school)

CAROLYN: I wonder if I’d be allergic to those… dead animals. 

Is NO ONE going to try and fix Kendall up with Kirk's dad from Ali Fedotowsky's season? Because this is absolutely NOT the first room full of dead animals that we've experienced on this show.

Honestly this wigged-out-by-dead-animals Arie is the MOST real we’ve seen him. He is SO uncomfortable around these dead animals and it’s the most charming he’s been because it is the most emotion he’s shown, maybe ever.

To the Production Assistant that made the diorama of Paris for the dead rats to get married in…. I see you and I salute you.

ARIE: if Kendall and I get married, she can have her taxidermy room and I can work on cars.

BOOZER: And you kids will go to school and tell EVERYONE how weird you guys are.

Yeah ok we need to talk about Kendall's breathing. Why is she always out of breath? The acting teacher that lives deep down inside of me and rears her head at mostly inopportune moments would interrupt Kendall's scene right now and make her do some mega breathing exercises. She is not in her body nor is she on her breath. If you don't know what those terms mean then take an Intro to Acting class and get back to me.

Kind of hard to believe that NO ONE saw fit to make a Kendall and Kylie joke, but that is, in fact, the name of her twin sister. Glad they at least did their hair differently, so Arie could tell them apart. You know he's so brainless that he'd start hitting on the other one if they looked similar enough.

Furry white throw aside, this patio furniture that they're sitting on 100% came from Ralph’s.

Glad the producer’s talked the sister into giving Arie an energy reading. Also love that sister wore the platform shoes that I had in sixth grade. Kylie just gets better and better.

LENNYN: I feel like Kendall is going to pass out at any moment.

KENDALL: It’s hard for me to talk about emotions

CAROLYN: Is it?

BOOZER: Cause you were pretty articulate with Krystal…


TIA

Tia is “challenging herself” to “do things outside her comfort zone” and Arie is LOVING it. What he’s really loving is that he gets to drive a race car. I'm honestly more impressed by the fact that I remembered that "race car" is a palindrome. Cars kicking up dust is very unmoving to me.

Tia tells Arie who he will be meeting at her house… And I need to say right now that every good play that’s ever been written has a cousin named Rhonda….

LENNYN: Her mom is really giving me Barbara Streisand in Meet the Fockers. 

Honestly it’s great that they’re raising pigs in a blanket to toast to Tia and "Airy" as her dad called him.
Raise 'em up.


Tia’s dad’s mustache is EPIC. Arie is certainly more engaged with Tia’s dad than he was with Kendall’s. Don't really know what that means, but it's a fact.

Apparently this has already made the rounds on social media, but Lennyn aptly pointed out that Tia’s mom’s spirit canine is: 


I am unmoved by Tia's brother. He was trying to be intimidating like the producers wanted him to be, but he said nothing of substance. 

BECCA:

The whole Living Room Peanut Gallery decided that we need to go to an apple orchard ASAP. Carolyn said she'd never had a desire to go and pick apples... but then we saw the apple slingshot and caramel apples and were SOLD.

Arie is 100% more himself with Becca than he is with Kendall or Tia. Again, he is Bachelor Bland Man, and so I don't even think this is particularly telling, but it's definitely a fact. 

Arie goes into meet Becca's family, sits down with Uncle Gary, who proceeds to have his body turned COMPLETELY away from Arie, on the couch right now. Doesn't seem too engaging for a pastor?

Arie proceeds to tell Uncle Gary that he "isn't as far along in his faith' as Becca, but he would go to church with her. Aaaaaand this is where I call the game and tell you that it will NEVER work out between these two. Bye!

Where’s Becca’s sister?

Becca’s mom coming in STRONG with the thoughtful question: in successful relationships that you know, what makes it work?

Another fact: Arie DOES use the word “wife” with Becca more than anyone else.

Becca tells Arie that he is "stealing pieces of her heart” I can get into that, but I feel like Becca is so hopeful that this is all a set up. He's gonna pick Lauren B, right? Ugh. He's the worst.

Lauren B

The Living Room Peanut gallery has SO many strong thoughts about Lauren. I kept saying how I think Arie is going to pick her because... she's so pretty, Finally Carolyn goes "I really don't think she's that pretty. You think she's the prettiest one there? No way." And upon reflection, I realized: "No I don't think she's the prettiest one there, but I think Arie does. Lauren is the kind of pretty that guys are just INTO, even though she's a total dullard..." 

KELLY: Maybe he likes her because she’s SO bland that it makes him feel interesting. He thinks “I’M SO DYNAMIC COMPARED TO THIS BRICK WALL” 

The two of them puttered around Virginia Beach and I am mega bored. 

Lennyn pointed out that this lighthouse has the word “slay” written on one of the windows. If we could spend ZERO more time watching them make out, I'd be pleased. 

Anyone else find it kind of startling that Arie has apparently NEVER met ANYONE in the military? Then at dinner he suddenly stepped away from the table because he is having a full on MELTDOWN. WHY DOES HE LIKE LAUREN B SO MUCH I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SUCH A BAD INDICATION OF THE STATE OF MEN IN AMERICA.

Ooohhhhh then he REALLY won Dad over with his ONE story about seeing Air Force planes. Thank you for your service, Lauren's Dad, but HOW could he be so easily won over?

Laruen’s mom asked him some questions and… then shook Arie's hand. Then held Lauren's hand as she... cried about how similar she is to Arie. No, that isn't hyperbole, that is TRULY why she was crying.

LAUREN: Mom he’s so much like me. I can look at him in a room of 15 girls and know what he’s thinking.

GRACE: ANYONE can tell you what a guy in a room of fifteen girls is thinking. He’s thinking “I’m a guy in a room full of fifteen girls.” 

Rose Ceremony: 
OMG THERE IS A BENCH OUTSIDE THE MANSION FOR THE GOODBYE. If that doesn't shake the girls up when they walk in then I don't know what will.

ARIE: this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

GRACE: Is it?

ARIE: It really is.

GRACE: Did he hear me through Alexa? I'm not even mad.

ARIE: This is really hard. I need a minute.

GRACE: Is he gonna have another panic attack?

LENNYN: I honestly hope so. It would make things way more interesting. 

He pulls Kendall aside... the other girls huddle and I love their whisper strategizing… And how Laruen B has contributed NOTHING.

KELLY: Cause she knows she has it in the bag!

Kendall gets the final rose.

HARE: Tia, I’m sorry, take a moment, say your goodbyes.,

BOOZER: Tamara will be waiting outside for you.

Tia… we feel for you, we are WITH YOU, we are ALL Tia. And on that note of solidarity, I want to leave you with this depressing Washington Post piece, about the bird version of Tia:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/animalia/wp/2018/02/02/nigel-the-worlds-loneliest-bird-dies-next-to-the-concrete-decoy-he-loved/

IF YOU'RE A BIRD I'M A BIRD...

Wait… Guys… Arie and the rats right now. This is so charming! I don’t even know how to cope with this! And then the Krystal rat! I am slain. God bless America. This is the Arie that we want and that we will NEVER have.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

A Rose by Any Other Name...


Ok let's get the most important thing out of the way: Arie's 24601 tattoo. Refinery 29 did a great breakdown of this story. In the midst of viciously partisan government shutdowns, potential obstructions of justice on all sides, and the constant threat of global uproar due to climate change, it's important to remember the critical things: 

Also 63 more days 'til Comey's book comes out. Also everybody beware and don't be fooled by Russian bots before the 2018 midterms. (I really feel like the best thing we can do is all call our Aunt Marma up in Michigan and warn her against the trolls... I don't even have an Aunt Marma in Michigan but if I did, you know she'd have the wool pulled over her eyes by the bots...) 

Let's start with a shout-out to the producer who somehow convinced Lauren B to look at the tower in Pisa and ask: “Why do you think it’s leaning?”


Honestly it's like Lauren B is somehow the contestant that America has earned. No one knows why she's here. Or how she got this far. Or why she has NEVER understood structural and foundation issues with architecture, but alas. Here we are. We deserve her. 

I love that Hare meets the girls in the public square. Could they please stage the scene where Romeo kills Tybalt, right here? I feel like this is the street square where that scene took place. Hare could quote Romeo to them: "Courage man, the hurt cannot be much..." 🌹🌹🌹🌹

So then we see the beginning of Jacqueline's downward spiral and we come to understand that she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Arie or in love with being in love… Aaaaaand we now OFFICIALLY know that Jacqueline is too smart for Arie and for this show.

JACQUELINE: I’m not sure I can visualize his conversation with my parents.
JOHNNY: I think she’s ashamed of him. Is that what’s happening?



One on One: Becca K 
Ok look I'm  just gonna be really vulnerable with you guys: I didn’t wanna rush into things. I wanted to take it slow... but I DEVOURED a whole serving of pot stickers, just now. In about five minutes. Our current Living Room Peanut Gallery consists of Carolyn, Madison, Kelly, a whole bunch of Chinese food and... Everyone's favorite participant: JOHNNY LANGAN! The only way I really know how to provide the rest of the commentary on this episode is with direct quotes. Get ready. 

Arie and Becca wander around whatever town in Italy this is, even though they've been in Pisa but are trying to peddle it to us as Tuscany, WHATEVER. He has pushed her up against a wall to palm her skull and make out with her NO LESS than 24,601 times. 

JOHNNY: Did you see that tattoo, Grace? She loves the Lord.
GRACE: That tattoo doesn’t mean she loves the Lord.
CAROLYN: What is it? A cross?
GRACE: Maybe it’s a T. We don’t know that it’s a cross.
JOHNNY: A “T” for what? Treasure? You think she walks around saying “This is a T for treasure?” Come on.

Arie pushes Becca against a(nother) wall. Apparently this is his ONLY move because we spent Emily's season watching him do it. Becca gets a rose to secure a hometown date. 

JOHNNY: I feel like I could feed him a bowl of dog food, tell him it’s really good, and he’d eat it and agree with me. He seems so earnest and eager to please.


Jacqueline proceeds to spiral out of control and decides to leave the show. Just a quick note about graceful exits - y'all remember Megan Bell from Farmer Chris's season? They were in Arizona or some random southwest state and she was just like, "Hi, I think I'm gonna go, bye!" We understood that she was leaving, no one was uncomfortable, and no one missed her. Mah gurl Jacqueline could've taken a note from Ms. Bell. Cause this was a whole lot of... something. First of all, she walked in there WITH HER HANDS IN HER SWEATER, which is the same way I walk into the living room when I need to ask Big Daddy for money. (LOL totally kidding I never ask BD for money)

She gets into the room and immediately starts downing wine. And I do mean CHUGGING. And it becomes very clear that Arie wants to be the one that breaks up with girls. 

GRACE: Oh he does not want to be broken up with. 
JOHNNY: Well who does? 
GRACE: No I mean that he can't stand for someone else to have the power. He wants the break up on HIS terms... 
CAROLYN: Yeah, someone is getting real defensive... 


ARIE: So are you not interested in me or are you scared of me?
CAROLYN: (as Arie) I just wanna make sure that it’s not about me, k thx bb. 
JOHNNY: (also as Arie) Yes, why DON’T you nuzzle my chest right now?


Kendall proceeds to have a stage IV breakdown about Jacqueline’s departure. Bursts into tears. Which is also a callback to Catherine crying when Sean Lowe sent My Best Friend Lesley home before hometowns. But it looks like Lez is gonna do JUUUUUST fine with DeanieBabies on Bachelor Winter Games, so whatevs. 

JACQUELINE: I feel like I kind of suck at being happy.
CAROLYN: Aw man, this is where I kind of get sad on this show. 

One on One: Lauren B

Apparently Lauren has never actually been on a bike before. Or seen a wall. Or consumed food. Johnny is growing increasingly concerned that we haven't seen any ACTUAL conversations with Arie, on this episode, just him talking about what is currently happening with the women. Literally saying "So these bikes are fun" AS THEY ARE RIDING BIKES. The LRPG approves of Arie's bike tricks, just for the record. 

ARIE: Have you ever played soccer?
LAUREN: Yeah when I was a kid.
KELLY: Which was literally five years ago.

This champagne glass of Lauren’s at dinner is legit the size of her head.

Lauren told Arie that she was falling in love with him. And he walked away. The whole living room surmises that he just had to take a leak. He came back to the table and gave her a rose but we fully expected him to say "Yeah I really just had to take a piss..." 

One on One: Sienne
I feel like a shirt that is ripped all the way down the middle is... NOT the best thing to wear to go truffle hunting… But I've never hunted truffles nor have I been on a single date in Italy, so whaddu I know? 

What I DO know is that we all love the dogs way more than we like Arie or Sienne. They find like, three truffles then head back to the house to cook a meal that ended up looking AMAZING. 

ARIE: I used to work at a pizza place.
KELLY: YOU WORKED AT PIZZA HUT, ARIE. I HATE YOU.
Fun fact: Kelly legit met this kid last weekend. 


SIENNE: (nervous laugh) This family keeps talking about love.
CAROLYN: You came on a reality show about love, do you think they wouldn’t talk about it.
JOHNNY: Send her home! She’s got life behind her eyes!


ARIE: I love the way love makes me feel and I love the culture.
JOHNNY: That sounds like my USC application that I wrote in 15 minutes later.
ARIE: I’m trying to be Logic.
GRACE: Like the singer? Isn't that a singer? 
KELLY: I’m trying to be logic, and emotion and also Common….


KELLY: I just think Sienne could do better.
GRACE: Oh she deserves way better, for sure.
KELLY: No I mean at PRETENDING that she wants to be here.
GRACE: Oh. Also very valid point. 

Sienne didn't get a rose. Then we saw a commercial WITH Common, and had forgotten all about Sienne... SIENNARA! 

3 ON 1: Bekah, Tia, & Kendall

Tia is so bored on this season that she has resorted to plotting to throw Bekah under the bus. Which kind of works, kind of doesn't. Who even knows anymore. Then she's STILL so bored that she decides to TELL BEKAH that she has attempted a bus throw. Bekah tries to cry about it. No really, that's what happens.

GRACE: Bekah was trying harder to cry than Minka Kelly did in season one of Friday Night Lights.
KELLY: Oh that was so good. God bless season one. And at least it was raining and so it looked like she was crying...
GRACE: Are you sure it was raining? I don't think it was raining... 
Update: we checked. There was no rain. But Tim Riggins 4eva.
Another update: Tim Riggins hair was wet. From sweating. But it was kind of always wet. From sweating. 

At this point Kelly and I spent at least four minutes of our lives that we will never get back watching a wonderfully crappy "Tim + Lyla = their story" video on youtube. Highly recommend this.

The only thing I have to say about Kendall on this date is that she's really into... the Bachelor. But she's not into Arie. She's like a really good canned script, saying all the right things to end up in the final two. Is it gonna come down between her and Lauren B? Kendall is still my favorite on this show, but her level of interest doesn't at all actually match up to who Arie is as a person. It's kind of baffling. But this show is such a snoozefest that I'm also kind of into it. 

CAROLYN: Bekah’s outfit is like… slutty Amish, or something.
JOHNNY: I prefer the term “prairie hipster”
BEKAH: My family knows me so well. I talk to them about everything all the time.
CAROLYN: Oh like how you ran away from home and were a MISSING PERSON?
BEKAH: I have grey hair!
ARIE: You old woman!
KELLY: Aww, they have so much in common.

Arie gives Kendall a rose. The Living Room is nearly asleep with boredom right now. Or maybe it's just a post-pot sticker coma. 

GRACE: This interaction with Bekah after dinner right now… It’s like it’s the movie scene where her character is dying…
JOHNNY: She’s Eponine! A little fall of rain! 24601! 

We proceeded to sing Les Miz for the rest of the night. Didn't even hear another word. Bekah didn't get a rose. She pretended to cry about it but cried ZERO actual tears. She really just could've offered a crying voice, not done the heaving and the sobbing sounds, cause that just made the whole thing way too fake... 

Can't wait for some fried armadillos, next week. Let the taxidermy jokes abound! 

If you're a (stuffed) bird, I'm a (stuffed) bird... 

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

WHERE A ROSE IS A ROSE

First things first:

On Friday, three people texted me about the Nunes Memo.

By the end of the day, NINE had texted me about the Missing Person story with Bekah M and I just love it all so much that I am honestly without words and I'm not even mad about where priorities were, that day.

Oh except I have these words to say: HER POOR MOTHER!
Also... hi, Nose Job, meet Bekah. 


That story is too, too good.

Also too, too good is that I was talking to my friend Frieda about the whole thing at work and then from the corner, some random kid that I’d genuinely never seen before (but apparently watches the show and reads the news) goes “Well I guess she didn’t get a hometown.”

Well said, rando guy., 


Ok so the Super Bowl: you guys know how much I love Pink. She killed it. AND you guys also know how much the production and logistics of the Super Bowl STRESS. ME. OUT. And I’m so glad that there weren’t any missteps or loose screws or wardrobe malfunctions. I don’t know what these haters were expecting from JT’s performance, but I thought he did a great job.

Also... just a life update... this is where my computer stands right now. It doesn't really close.
Send halp. Or a new laptop.

OK MOVING ON TO WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS:
(If we go down then we go down together)

OMG Harrison is giving us SO MUCH REALNESS on this Parisian park bench right now! I don’t know why he needs to talk to Arie and I don’t know how it’s possible that Arie has more grey hair, but give us MORE HARE.

Chris appears to the girls on… a boat. To tell them that there will be 2 one on ones, a 2 on 1 and a group date. Anyone who is surprised by this may show themselves out. Tia reads the first date card and it goes to Lauren B. Who the internet has discovered looks conspicuously like Lauren B. from Ben’s season, but be still my heart because Ben is tied with Sean Lowe for my fave Bachelor ever and I’m single, Ben, please call me.

One on One: Lauren B. 

I am so deeply bored by Lauren B on this date and just in general that it is almost unreal. Why is she even here? In the Living Room Peanut Gallery, we discussed the merits of Lauren B being “pretty,” and how that is honestly worse than being plain, because at least plain girls are, in fact, so plain that that they have other things to offer, besides their looks. 
Apparently it is, to Arie.

Meanwhile Krystal is daring to talk about a girl “not speaking in her voice’ right now and… THE AUDACITY!! I can't even really dignify this remark with further comment.

Arie and Lauren proceed to go on a date that is ALMOST as awkward as Shawn B’s final date with Kaitlyn, where the editors were trying to make us think that she chose Nick (sorry, quick detour to acknowledge the fact that somehow Nick was the runner up TWO DIFFERENT TIMES and THEN was on BIP and THEN he was the Bachelor, and if you don’t think this is the greatest franchise of all time, period, then you haven’t lived) and Arie tells us:“I get the sense that Lauren might not be that into me.” Just a quick body language update: he scratched his neck as he said that, which a self-soothing gesture. It’s meant to calm the nervous system. He is uncomfortable about this girl and I cannot for the life of me figure out why.

LAUREN: There were so many people around us today. It kind of freaked me out.

KELLY: Oh the people? You mean the people living their life? Was that hard for you?

ARIE: It’s hard for you to open up.

LAUREN: You’re very observant.

GRACE: IS HE, THOUGH?

IT TAKES HER SIX MONTHS TO TRUST SOMEONE, YOU GUYS. Is that... six months to trust EVERYONE? Including her dentist and car mechanic? Or just potential fiances? This was such a vague one to throw out there.

Ok. Wait… Waaaaait this story from Arie right now. WHAT IS HAPPENING why is he telling her THIS? Why is he telling HER this? WHY IS HE TELLING HER THIS?!

Honestly… my takeaway from these two is that: I don’t want to see them together. I mean, TOGETHER, together. I see them as having a mentor/mentee relationship. Like, cool, sit down and illuminate each other’s lives, but I’m not interested in whether you’re going to kiss or not. And by the way – there is absolutely ZERO chance that Arie came up with deciding to tell her that story on his own. A producer pulled him aside and said “She’s afraid to open up. Tell her a vulnerable story and she’ll be less scared.” He happened to choose the MOST VULNERABLE ONE OF ALL.



Group Date:
Becca K, Bekah M, Sienne, Tia, Chelsea, Jenna

The fact that Jenna is still even here:


The only thing that matters to me about the Moulin Rouge scene is that they went there in Anastasia and watched the girls do the Can-Can.

When you think you can't, you'll find you Can-Can..

If you want to tell me that there is a male animated lead more dashing and charming than Dimitri, I will legit FIGHT YOU.
I'll never know why his shirt sleeves were like that but I won't question it... 

I would like to point out that I took a Buzzfeed quiz about which contestant I am this season and I got… Sienne. Which honestly makes a painful amount of sense. The academic one in the Friend Zone. Just like on the Bachelor in Paradise quiz I got… Wells. The funny one in the Friend Zone. Whatever.

Friend Zone. Easy Target. 


These girls trying to Can-Can right now is 11/10 relatable. Tia saying “I got this part… and then NOPE…” Is me, every day at Zumba. I would make a reference here about how love is like Zumba or choreography but unlike the contestants on this show, I’m not constantly fed one liners by the producers, so I cannot oblige you…

Quick side note: maybe we just thought Arie seemed like a good kisser on Emily’s season because he was compared to other guys… (circa that one dude Doug that Emily had to dump at the castle...)  Cause I’m getting SO tired of watching him maul these girls’ faces off.

ARIE: Bekah, M… I’d love you to have this rose.

KELLY: A rose… For Bekah’s nose (job)

TIA: She’s getting all this extra time with him

GRACE: You’re mad about this stage time with him?

KELLY: She’s perfect for this freak weird thing, be glad you don’t have to do it!

Are we... Are we just going to ignore the fact that Arie had to go onstage and lip sync and... You guys WHAT WAS THAT?! He was seriously worse than Lizzie McGuire, the first time Paolo tries to teach her how to lip sync.
This is what dreams are made of.

I should now take a break in this date to inform you that according to Laruen B’s bio (that we felt the need to look up on ABC.com, when faced with the question “If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?” She said…

Wait. Wait a minute. Whiiiiile I’ve got you here – what would you answer be? Seriously – think about it. Our LRPG answers included Hermione, Katniss, and Elizabeth Bennet

Lauren’s answer is…

“Elsa… because I’ve always wanted to be a Disney Princess.”

THIS👏IS👏NOT👏A👏JOKE,👏PEOPLE👏


Back to your regularly scheduled programming:

TWO ON ONE: Krystal and Kendall

Meanwhile, back on the (literal) boat, Krystal gets the date card. Honestly I have more questions about what the heck she’s wearing, than I do about the date.

MADISON: Is it a stretched out tank top?

KELLY: I think she’s wearing two unitards.

MADISON: Oh that could be it. Amazing that she picked this out and said “this looks good on me.”

Ok so are the girls staying on a boat? Is that the gist? Is it a boat hotel? A hotel boat? Too bad Annaliese isn’t there – you KNOW that girl would have some boat trauma to dig up for us…

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you: the Living Room Peanut gallery doesn’t hate Krystal’s outfit on this date, I have to admit. It’s pretty cute. They wander around a mansion that Arie probably told them is “vintage,” just like the Bradbury building and CAN WE GET ON WITH IT PLEASE.

Whoaaaa did you guys see that Shawn B and Kaitlyn commercial for Reddi Whip? WOOF.

KENDALL IS SPITTING SOME TRUTH AT US RIGHT NOW: “Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean that you win.” MY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR AT HER REALNESS. I can think of one Twitter user that could use this little nugget of wisdom, anyone else?

Krystal had a weird conversation with Arie where she whined, crunched her neck and told him Kendall wasn’t ready for marriage. YAWN CITY, USA. Arie told Kendall what Krystal said, because this is a TV show and this is a two on one date and there needs to be some drama and…

And what we proceeded to see Kendall do is something that is GENUINELY unprecedented in the history of this show. She called Krystal out with such surgical precision that I am honestly surprised there was any piece of Krystal left. She told her that she had no real reason to say that she wasn’t ready for marriage OH BUT SHE DIDN’T STOP THERE. Truly, TRULY this was unprecedented: we saw Kendall proceed to BUILD 👏KRYSTAL👏UP👏 and tell her that she was a beautiful human and it was worth it to embrace her imperfections. Honestly I wonder what Krystal thought as she watched this tonight. Because we didn’t see the raw footage, but the way that the editors made Krystal come off, WHEN MY GIRL KENDALL WAS CALMLY OFFERING SOME TRUTH AND INSIGHT TO HER, is just insane. Literally: insane. Krystal looks insane! She sat down at dinner with Kendall later and said “I don’t need your advice” and then told Arie “this whole journey has been “Indescribable but magical and worth it.” On a scale of one to ten… I can’t.

KENDAL IS THE QUEEN OF MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I AM LIVING FOR HER RIGHT NOW. Next year the State of the Union address should just be what she sat down and said to Krystal. Kamala Harris and Kendall 2020, you guys. THIS IS HOW WE SHOULD ALL BE LIVING OUR LIVES.

To quote Kelly Clarkson quoting Michelle Obama: WHEN👏THEY👏GO👏LOW👏WE👏GO👏HIGH👏

Aaaaand Bekah just compared Krystal to Trump. The wheels came off so long ago I don’t even know where we are anymore. Arie gives the rose to Kendall and I am already popping my popcorn for Krystal on the Women Tell All.

Did you guys see what kind of rose that Kendal was holding as they went up the Eiffel Tower? It was like it lost all the petals. And then she and Arie proceeded to suck face because… honestly they were trying to avoid having a seizure from all those flashing lights. Or they were wishing they were this:

(S/O to a lovesick Dimitri in the background)

Quick statistics update: Carolyn has wished that Arie would be hit by a bus… no less than 19 times tonight.

One on One Date: Jacqueline

So the two of them hop into a car that proceeds to break down and Jay-Kwellan hits us with: “It is hot when guys who know things about things do things about things..." Which is almost as nonsensical as a certain someone giving remarks about the Nunes Memo from the Oval Office last week...

Honestly why wasn't this an Anastasia-In-Paris themed date? Why didn't he put her in THIS dress?
Or even this one?


Honestly BRB I need to retire from my job and just dress up as Anastasia for the rest of my life. I think the kids call it "CosPlay," but I just call it LOOKING CLASSY.

But seriously... is Jay-Kwellen drunk right now? Why is she so awkward and why has she rubbed off half the day's worth of makeup? She tells Arie“I’m worried I’m an experiment and not someone I’m excited about," which... I have to say... isn't the most UNrelatable thing we've ever heard from a contestant on this show...

Carolyn aptly pointed out: Arie basically brought her on this date to say “You’re getting your PhD… and that doesn’t work for me.”
Ohhhhh but then in a weird twist, she got a rose. Ok. Interesting.

Rest of the roses went to: Tia, Sienne, Becca K.

The LRPG was expecting the rose to go to Chelsea, not Sienne.... but GIRL BYE.

I guess we also thought that Arie would dismiss her early, as the leads are wont to do with single parents on this show, but not for Chelsea!

I will leave you with these two things:

1) never forget that during "Paris Holds the Key to Your Heart," the line goes "Come dance through the night, and forget all your woes - a city of lights!" and that RANDOM DUDE goes "WHERE A ROSE IS... A ROSE!" I'll try to find a screen grab for next week.
2) Seems fit for us to end with this image:


(Sorry I'm not sorry for all the Anastasia references this week. Forgot I had so much passion for that movie within me.)

Oh - this is where my computer is, right now. the "ON" button straight up FELL OFF this morning. My birthday is in a little over a month, HINT HINT




If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Monday, January 29, 2018

MAY KRYSTAL FIND THE PEACE THAT SHE *THINKS* SHE HAS

Just a few quick housekeeping notes:
- Grammys, anyone? Yeah, me neither. Ok well the one performance I DID watch was P!nk because she is kind of all that has mattered, ever. I mean, Kelly Clarkson is obviously my #1, but I couldn't LIVE without Pink. Her song "You Get My Love" was, in my very humble opinion, the most powerful song of 2017.
- Oh and also the performance of Blue Ivy Carter. The clip of her telling her parents to shush was my most favorite thing since Jake Tapper told Stephen Miller to "settle down" on live TV a few weeks ago.
- Anyone else following the impending arrival of Day One in Cape Town and losing major sleep? Cause call me Chicken Little but I'm pretty sure the sky is falling down. (I'm actually not joking. I'm super stressed about it.)
- Whenever I get stressed about it, I look at this photo of Justin Trudeau holding baby pandas to ease the pain. You're welcome:


So this week we are in the romantic, luxury destination of… FORT LAUDERDALE.

All I used to know about Ft. Lauderdale was that the family we carpooled with went down there every year for spring break. And then I lived near there for a solid four years. Special thanks to Gran, Big Daddy, and Donna Shalala for those years. And many others. Who are literally too numerous to mention.

Mr. 305

I 🍩 care about the go pro cameras on these girl’s bikes right now.

Actually, you know what? Ft. Lauderdale is a great idea. Because that penthouse at The W was probably cheap AF. And honestly the beach pretty much anywhere is nice to look at. (Unless it’s the Hurricane Sandy Ravaged beach in New Jersey – do you guys remember when Dez and that one guy went on the date where they basically got in a helicopter and looked at all the wreckage? It was that guy who cried later. Wasn't his name James?)
RIP, James

So one of my favorite producers (WHO WORKED ON ANDY BALDWIN'S SEASON) texted me from the Chicago airport saying, ‘Damn you, the Bachelor is on in the airport lounge and now I can't look away WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!”

I quickly had to translate the girls for her. She told me she was watching “crazy girl,” “girl who thinks she’s better than everyone” and “short haired girl” And I immediately filled in for her:“That would be Krystal, Chelsea and Bekah, respectively.” 

She then asked what the heck the Bachelor Winter Games were and I told her that her guess was as good as mine.

(And yes, the first time she revealed to me that she had worked on that season of the show, all at once I sputtered, "You mean the season where Andy took Tessa and Peyton on the 2 on 1 and left Peyton on an aircraft carrier after he dumped her but true love is real because Peyton ended up marrying Christ Lambton, who was the runner up on Ali Fedotowsky's season, even after Peyton had that really awkward date on Bachelor Pad with Jesse Beck who was also on Ali Fedotowsky's season?!" And yes, she DID give me a very long look when I asked that, but has come to appreciate my passion for the show...) 

Ok ok. Back to Bland Man.

This blonde basic Betty named Lauren is JUST the worst. I am so irritated that they keep giving us sound bites from her because she could NOT be more dull. Ohhhhh but she was REAL excited to see Maquel, who joined us again, just now. How come everyone is whining about Bekah's age but not batting an eye over Maquel being only ONE YEAR OLDER?! 

One on One: Chelsea

Blah blah blah, they go on a boat in the ocean and make out...
I WANNA KINDLE MY BOYFRIEND


Chelsea and Arie are LEGITIMATELY every single Bachelor date couple that has EVER lived. The dreamboat puns, the “I’m so grateful," the let's-rehash-this-date-to-each-other-and-everything-we-have-liked-about-it-so-far-even-though-it's-only-been-fifteen-minutes," all of it.

The producers are REALLY enjoying parading these one one ones in front of the other girls this season. Lauren and Maquel very quickly lose interest in watching the date on the water from the hotel balcony but Marikh is like:
Gotta get the hot goss

I RELATE TO YOU, MARIKH.

I mean, if I got the invite to the car museum, I guess I’d act as animated and interested as Chelsea is, but unless there’s a 75 year old tour guide named Earl to provide the trivial information about cars, I 🍩 care and cannot be bothered.

What is the squiggle tattoo on Chelsea’s hand? Are we ever going to find out?

Chelsea’s dinner speech is SUPER planned and prepared and Arie is LAPPING 👏 IT 👏 UP 👏. 

Meanwhile I honestly can NOT stop thinking about how Bekah observed that Arie is drawn to single mothers because of how much they NEED him. 

Chelsea is too groomed. She's too polished and I don't believe a word of what she is saying to Arie to convince him to give her the rose right now. And she's DOUBLY good at being able to tell people what they want to hear in order to get what she wants because HI HELLO: that is ALL that you do as a parent! You convince your child a) to do things and b) get them to think it was their idea! They left the Car Maze and wandered into a private concert that Erica and Madison were convinced was JoJo Fletcher, but we heard Chelsea tell us it was some act called "Tenille Arts" and I can GUARANTEE YOU that it took her more than one take to get THAT name right. 

We had a nice interlude during the commercial break to plan Boozer's wedding processional, because even though she isn't even planning a wedding, these things are CRUCIAL. I can't even remember how we got on the topic, but suddenly I was telling everyone how it's on my friend Danny's bucket list to convince one of his sisters to walk down the aisle to "At the Beginning" from Anastasia. And then we found an instrumental version and the rest is history:
Do Yourself A Favor and Give This A Listen

Group Date: 
Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashely Marikh, Jacqueline, Lauren B

Waaaaaaaait. WHY did we just watch Arie lick that bowling ball?!?!?! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! DOES HE KNOW HOW BAD FLU SEASON IS RIGHT NOW?! WHY DID WE JUST WATCH HIM DO THAT I AM SO INCENSED THAT I CAN'T EVEN USE PROPER PUNCTUATION WHY DID WE JUST SEE THAT?!!??!?!

I'm trying to think of a) the amount of money you'd have to pay me to do that or b) the kind of sanitizing it would have to go through in order for me to do that. I would literally have to watch it sit in boiling water for no less than seven days straight. Have I already talked about the time I had to kiss a desk phone in college? I played this kooky principal in a Christopher Durang show (think: Jane Lynch on Glee) and I had to abruptly start macking on the phone during one scene... Every night - EVERY NIGHT backstage before the show, I would spray the whole thing down with rubbing alcohol and then put hand sanitizer on it. The prop guys thought I was crazy.


...I don't know why I pulled a yappy Lauren S. on the vineyard date and told you all that unnecessary information just now I GUESS I'M JUST TRAUMATIZED BY THE FACT THAT WE SAW HIM DO THAT!! 

(Quick update: I can't find a photo from the actual show, but I wore this hideous blonde wig so I had my hair up in pin curls every night. My roommate snapped a photo of the aftermath one day)
Yes that IS a flip phone. It was 1000 ago. When Arie was on Emily's season... 


Ok ok. I'm coming back down from my hysteria. So we see the girls get divided up into teams... Winner gets to go to the after party, we've totally seen this trope before...

They get divided up into teams… Krystal asks that her dogs guide them success. After they win, she is holding a trophy from 1963 as she flaunts her victory. And she makes a weird, weird toast about lifting people up and it’s just weird. Obviously the losing team is moping but in a move that surprises NO ONE, Arie invites them to the after party and Bekah runs to hug him LIKE HE IS HER DAD


KRYSTAL: Why did he change his mind?
BOOZER: Because he saw who was on the blue team and didn't wanna be stuck with you for the whole night!

Apparently Krystal got heated in the van on the way back to the hotel, HOW I WISH we had seen it, but we CERTAINLY heard about it. 

Honestly I really didn't take many notes about Krystal's subsequent interactions because I was so glued to the TV. Kendall is quite the vicious opponent in this instance because she is a) VERY articulate and b) calm AF. Bekah wisely pointed out that Krystal would have had NO problem with the arrangement if she'd been on the losing team and OH ARIE IS GOING TO CHECK ON KRYSTAL RIGHT NOW. He's playing right into her hand! 

I had my hands on my face in mortification during this whole exchange. Arie is clearly NOT at ALL interested in Krystal's antics, and he tells her to stay in the room. She proceeded to stay and mope, then get dressed and go down, and then go back upstairs, allegedly without seeing Arie. Meanwhile Kendall continues to CRUSH it. She pulled him aside and (as far as we can see) didn’t even talk about Krystal.

While Krystal briefly joined the circus down in the lobby, Lauren asks what her genuine feeling towards Arie is… which is the most legitimate thing Lauren has ever said. It's a stupid question, but coming from Lauren it seems kind of thoughtful. Which is obviously indicative of how NOT thoughtful she has been up until this point.

Lauren then goes downstairs with Arie and wants to play… 21 Questions… And she proceeds to play a game that is… not 21 questions. At this point, Carolyn got home and I said "Hey Caro, we're gonna play 21 Questions, ok? If I say that we're gonna play that game, what's the first thing you ask?"

CAROLYN: Is it a person? 
GRACE: Exactly. You would not proceed to ask me "What's your favorite color?" 

Lauren asked Arie what his favorite color was. And when he returned the question to her, this was her reply:
She's in a glass case of emotion


I will take this time to mention... my answer to how I like my eggs in the morning is... cooked for me. Straight up. I will eat any style of eggs you put in front of me, as long as I don't have to cook them. I reserve hard labor for after 3 PM.

Arie gives the rose to Lauren… Ashley and Marikh have had NO screen time with him, and who even is Jacqueline, at this point?

One on One: Tia

Arie and Tia are going airboating in the Everglades because... Arie apparently thinks that everything he does with Tia has to be "country?" How utterly detached and condescending. 

Ok speaking of gators… did you guys see that an alligator battled a python at a golf course in Naples about two weeks ago? AND NOBODY BOTHERED TO FIND OUT THE OUTCOME?! News outlets were just like "A gator and a python were fighting at a golf course, y'all!" and didn't bother to mention the victor...
NOT TODAY, SATAN.

Side note: that was the actual photo that the dude captured that was on the news, but I went down a STRANGE rabbit hole just now, trying to find that photo for you guys. Google "Python Gator" ONLY IF YOU DARE. 

Arie had the audacity to compare alligators to... finding love. And honestly I don't know what is more offensive at this point: that tepid and desperate comparison, or Arie licking the bowling ball... 

So they get to a house in the Everglades and we find out that Tia really loves Gerald and his fried frog legs…

CAROLYN: You know who else would love Gerald?
GRACE and CAROLYN: Johnny Langan 

Honestly if we could set Gerald up with Jane Fellows from the Culver Hotel on the JoJo and James Taylor date, I feel like true love could be real again...

Seriously why didn’t they jet down to Miami? They wouldn’t even have to take a jet, it’s 45 minutes away! What is the travel budget this season?

After Frog Legs with Gerald, Tia and Arie enjoy an "old nautical antique place," (no really, that's what Arie called it) and Tia is wearing the SHORTEST possible dress known to man. 

At this point Carolyn pointed out that Tia is preeeetty much a brunette Emily, and nobody in the Living Room Peanut Gallery disagrees with her. They certainly sound the same.

I love that we GLOSSED over the fact that Tia went to college for seven years. And I was SOOOOO ready to make this joke:
...but then we found out that Tia got her doctorate. Seriously, you go girl! 

This is a really weird and vague conversation about faith. Definitely one that isn't often had onscreen, but they're showing it to us right now, for whatever reason...

TIA I’m falling in love with you
ARIE: You are? Look at me when you say it.
Arie just pulled a Demi Lovato and demanded that she "tell me you love me," and I guess we're all just gonna let it happen... 

I mean, Tia has talked to Arie for a total of how long, six hours? MAYBE?! And she says she's already falling in love with him??

But you know what I JUST realized? Part of the reason why it's so easy for these women to "fall in love" SO. QUICKLY. on this show is that (stay with me, here) they know the guy they're dating is "ready" to commit. Think about it: in real life, you know whether or not you LIKE someone pretty quickly... but it takes a while to decide if you want to really pursue them and fall in love... PARTIALLY because you're not sure IF THEY WANT TO DATE YOU. Think about the questions we ask ourselves: Well, do they like me back? Do they like me AS MUCH? Do they have strong enough feelings for me to make this a serious thing? Are they ready for actual commitment? But in this instance, ALL OF THAT IS KNOWN. We know (allegedly) that Arie is ready for marriage. So all that's left to really do is just decide whether or not there is chemistry. And if there is, then it's all systems go. If there is chemistry + he's already ready for marriage = you can fall in love! TELL HIM YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE, TIA! 

....did that make any sense? Not quite sure if my logic came full circle, there, but I know you guys will let me know... 

Cocktail Party:

Let's just start off with some quotes from Kyrstal: "I wasn’t hiding in my room, I was investing in myself. The struggle that happened… I was discovering." 


To say that Krystal sounds like she's constantly reading from a self-help book is the biggest understatement of the century... She proceeds to make a speech to the women about I-don't-even-know-what, finding your inner light, or SOMETHING. 

MADISON: Is it really a group of women on The Bachelor if Krystal isn’t making a toast?

Meanwhile Kendall pulls Arie aside and continues to slay the game. Honestly I love that Kendall has a book of 100 questions. I have a long list of questions to ask Jim Comey when I meet him. No plans to meet him yet but one day I will and I want to be ready. 
YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE COMEY

Would you guys eat another human? Honestly I think I'm probably too polite and codependent to say no. If it were a tribe and that was their culture, I'd probably feel like it would be extremely rude not to, and I'd probably find myself eating human, but as long as you start with the fork on the outside and work your way in, you'll be a perfectly acceptable dinner guest... 

Krystal decides to tell the girls that if they have a problem with her, they can pull her aside and talk to her. Our girl goes first:

KENDALL: I’ll talk to you, Krystal
BOOZER: Pick a number, and I’ll ask you a question.

At some point in her discussion with the ladies, Krystal mentions: “extreme pain bodies were triggered when Arie went back on his word..." 


MARIKH: she’s manipulating us and him.
CAROLYN: No she’s not, she’s just crazy 

Krystal pulls Arie aside and tries to tell him that she was... triggered by the day's events because she... grew up in a... bowling alley? I would genuinely believe her MORE if she said she grew up as a "street rat." I think her mom took her to a bowling alley ONE time and so she felt justified in telling Arie that she'd grown up in one. Later Krystal tells the camera that she's invested in the relationship, throws out some jazz hands and says "that was glitter." I have no idea what show we are even watching anymore, but I am here for ALL of it.

Roses went to:
Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Becca, Jacqueline, Jenna, aaaaaand Krystal 

I can't believe he kept her around for a whole 'nother week but I'm obviously thrilled. 

NEXT WEEK:

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 




Tuesday, January 23, 2018

WHATEVER I SAY; IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT

Hi just some quick, unrelated pop culture updates, here:

- If you haven’t started the podcast “Slow Burn” stop what you’re doing and listen. It is the latest and greatest. It’s about Watergate and the episodes are only about 25 minutes long. It will make you realize that the political climate right now isn’t necessarily uncharted territory for the US Government. (read: you’ll sleep better at night, after you hear how crazy things were in the 70s)

- SHOUT OUT TO MAH GURL MARIELLE WAKIM and her deep dive on the illustrious Instagram career of Becca Tilley:
http://www.lamag.com/culturefiles/heres-former-bachelor-contestant-will-make-1-million-year/

- Anybody else see Pete Souza’s book about the Obama years? It doesn’t matter WHAT you think of his time as president, the photojournalism is JUST. REMARKABLE. and everyone should see it if you get a chance. (Also if you don't wanna buy it, hi there's this thing called the library - 10/10 would recommend it)

OK SO. Back to business: 

The girls have started out with a very intense and philosophical discussion of… Bekah’s age. The producer's have clearly tripped over their own feet, trying to get them to talk about this because it was kind of the ONLY thing discussed on this entire episode. 

You guys remember when SNL's Bachelor sketch was "Bland Man?"  Honestly I'm kind of shooketh, now that I think about it, because it was basically a prophecy of this season... 
Incredible, Awesome, Amazing Fairytale
IT WASN'T A PARODY OF MY ONE TRUE LOVE BEN HIGGINS, SHUT UP, JOHNNY. 

Anyway, upon arriving in Lake Tahoe, Bland Man tells us: “I love things like hiking… being outside… and sharing that with a girl this week is exciting”

I'm sure Lake Tahoe is nice. But Bland Man is not. 

Oh I LOVE how they got the taxidermy for Kendall in this Tahoe Log Cabin. That is so special. Bring out the crazy.

One on One:  Sienne

When he comes to the house to pick up Sienne, Bland Man tries to tell the women that this whole week is "uncharted territory" and a “new thing” for him because he’s… 

....never been to Lake Tahoe before. That is actually what he said.

He and Sienne proceed to zip off and go parasailing while the other girls try and squint at them through binoculars, looking off in very specific directions that have been fed to them by the producers. 
GOOD ONE, PRODUCERS.


Can’t decide if Arie and Sienne have chemistry or not. They look really pretty together, I know that much.

BOOZER: They’re very Gap or LLBean ad, together.

ARIE: “And I thought... I need to find a way to give this girl a date” OH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS, you prince charming, you! 

This is honestly weird that they are filming Maquel learning about her grandfather passing away… Usually they’d just be like “Hey Maquel, can we get a shot of you answering the phone?” and then cut to her ITM where she’s like, “I got a phone call…” But no, they voyeuristically filmed the whole thing. I'm not here to talk about how close Maquel was or was not with her grandfather, but I HAVE noticed a trend that if you get important news, the choice to stay basically depends on what you think your chances are. See: Carly MISSING HER BROTHER'S WEDDING to stay in Paradise with Kirk literally just HOURS before he broke her heart. (But thank God for Evan because TRUE LOVE IS REAL AMIRITE) 

How romantic that Sienne and Arie get to trek through this... Tahoe Hard Rock Café right now… ABC's The Bacehlor, sponsored by Hard Rock! #Ad #Spon

GRACE: Sienne is too cerebral and articulate for him.

BOOZE: He’ll give her the rose because he knows she’s the kind of girl he SHOULD be with.

Aaaaand Bland Man proved Boozer right. He did give her the rose. And she is already in the Friend Zone.

Tahoe Group Date: 
Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Laruen, Brittany, Caroline

Honestly I'm loving that they get a Green Beret to lead this date. This time last year we were listening to a farmer who had never addressed a group of more than three people, much less Corinne Olympios. My military expertise is pretty limited, but I FEEEEEEL like a Green Beret will be pretty good about calling people into action. He tells them to drink their own pee and eat worms. 

Before the girls could decide not to drink their pee, the living room peanut gallery had a fierce debate about whether or not you can drink your own urine. Cause I’m pretty sure you can’t. I mean… It’s sterile, but isn’t it all of your contaminants? Update: It was apple juice. Also just another quick note about survival hydration - you know how you aren't supposed to drink ocean water cause the salt will cause you to get dehydrated? Well I didn't know that til I was in fourth grade and saw a little film called The Voyage of the Mimi, in which THIS guy had a substantial role: 
Holy Bowlcut Batman... 
(Honestly even though I think he must somehow be GROSSLY INEPT for deciding to be NOT MARRIED to one of my personal idols, that is absolutely what I would say to Ben Affleck if I met him tomorrow. But maybe that's a line he gets a lot: "Hey, you taught me that I couldn't drink ocean water!" I'll let you guys know if I ever run into him) 

MOVING ON: 
Can we just acknowledge that snow is fun for THREE SECONDS and then it’s the WORST?? And I’ve spent VERY limited time in snow. It's snowing as these girls start out on some kind of made up map trek to a hot tub and it looks MIZ...

Krystal is self-destructing before our very eyes. She is already talking about her relationship with Arie being tested on this date, and the casting directors are all high five-ing that they found this girl who would play straight into their hands. Arie put his arm around Krystal in the hot tub and Tia and Caroline made jokes because part of appearing attractive to someone is showing you can roll with the punches and make light of a situation (even though polygamy shouldn't be something of which we are making light?) so they obviously joke about it. And apparently Krystal has never witnessed humans make jokes before because she is DEVASTATED by said joke.

Arie immediately wants to talk to Lauren after the hot tub and the only thing I can think about Lauren is that she was the one that got the setup that Bibiana arranged, back at the mansion. Bland Man told Lauren he had a surprise planned for her and it was... a fire. Is the surprise that the fire was there? In the middle of Lake Tahoe in the winter time? Is the surprise that he started the fire himself? AMERICA WANTS ANSWERS, BLAND MAN.

ARIE: I wanna be with an independent woman.
LAUREN: I want to be a dirty old grandma that is still slapping grandpa on the butt. 
GRACE: I just want cookies, tbh...

Arie sits down with Kendall and- ok HOW does one travel with a taxidermy? Do you check it or carry it on? How do you package it so it travels safely? Could you carry it in a pet carrier? Kendall is such an odd duck, (no pun intended) but she and Arie have great chemistry so I will 100% allow it.

Chelsea throwing shade to Krystal in her ITM is SO Courtney Robertson… (But her impression was pretty good, so I'm not even mad...)

I can’t believe that Caroline is 26. She looks at least 30. Not in a bad way, but just... way older. I feel like she's going to be a dark horse. Keep an eye out for her.

OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE KRYSTAL WITH THE DRAMATIC WHISPER AND WATERY EYES AT BLAND MAN RIGHT NOW I AM SO ABSOLUTELY SLAIN

OMG NOW SHE IS PULLING ASIDE TIA AND CAROLINE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. 

Krystal, Tia and Caroline are pretty drunk at this point, but Tia is spitting some TRUTH at Krystal right now and I am HERE for it. Tia is easily winning this argument because she's being SPECIFIC, when airing her grievances with Krystal. And that goes so much father than a whiny "you give me a bad vibe."

A still-drunk Tia goes to talk to Arie and ends up crying and telling him that she is... scared by her feelings for him? I mean, I'm not mad but like... huh? Whatever. She gets a rose. After Bland Shakespeare Man tells the women: “Today was amazing but tonight was important” 

Krystal tells the camera: "Honestly it is confusing to me as to why Tia would get the rose when I'm showing Arie my colors..." SERIOUSLY SHE is everything my TV dreams are made of. She is SUCH A PIECE OF WORK!! 

The next morning, Krystal tells Chelsea and Sienne that a) she’s flawless and b) she overcame challenges. That is what she said. That isn't some kind of hyperbolic exaggeration, she legit said those things.

One on One: Young Bekah 

Bekah *runs through the trees toward Arie*

BOOZER: Who is that little boy running to meet Arie?

Kendall and Jacqueline talk about how they think Bekah is too young.
LITERALLY

Wait... 
Wait, you guys Arie is such a pleasant version of himself with Bekah. I’m kind of astonished. WHERE HAS THIS PERSON BEEN? He is chatty Kathy with her, oh my WORD! 

Meanwhile back at the Tahoe Log Cabin, Chelsea and a very drunk Caroline are STILL talking about how young Bekah is. 


Arie asked if Bekah would be ready to settle down if it was the right time and the right person. She turns the question on his head and asks him “Well how could I know if it's never happened?” (well spoiler alert maybe it's never happened because you’re 12, but still a nice response that requires some thinking from him...)

The rate at which Arie is freaking out right now upon finding out her age is indicative that he thought Young Bekah was gonna go VERY far.

Quick body language note: Bekah is talking about how it's for her to marry young because most of her family married young... her hand is almost completely covering her mouth. Which means she is already uncomfortable with what she's saying... But Arie is a totally and completely different person with her!! This is kind of insane! Goodbye, Bland Man, hello Human! He picks up the rose and tells her “I feel like this could be the beginning of something amazing” Which is fine and good but also EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID TO SIENNE. Aaaaand then he proceeded to put his fingers THOUGH her earring hoop. I think we're done, here.

Rose Ceremony: 


While they wait for Hare to summon them, Krystal tries to go out on a limb and says to the girls: "This is the most nervous I’ve velt before a rose ceremony, anyone else?

*Crickets*

KENDALL: “It's like Krystal is saying things that a public speaker told her to say. Or something she read in a book." I like Kendall more and more. 

Hare tells them that the cocktail party has been cancelled and in NO uncertain terms does he tell Arie how they took the news:  “To say they were shocked and dismayed is an understatement”

Roses go to:
Wait wait, Krystal has to pull him aside. 

I love that Krystal is whispering, in all these interactions with him. Does she think the mics can't pick her up? Or that the other girls would hear her and get jealous? I love that she tells him "I respect your decision..." even though she COMPLETELY disregarded his decision to cancel the cocktail party..

ROSES GO TO:
Lauren, Kendall, WHERE IS KENDALL’S DUCK? Ashely, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, props to Boozer for pointing out that this is EXACTLY what Jenna did to Marikh when she went to get the rose: 

Image result for trump shoving leader out of the way gif
GIMME THAT ROSE

 Jacqueline (really?), Marikh… Wait he’s sending Caroline home?! Caroline was the most obvious choice for him, dude! How does Arie not see this??

He let Caroline go! That choice wasn't thought through, dude.  I bet she'll pull a Jen S. from Ben's season and come back and crush it on Bachelor in Paradise...

Did you notice who I was impersonating with my overuse of dude, just now? 

UH HUH. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...