Tuesday, January 16, 2018

STOP BEING SO CONDESCENDING BECAUSE YOU MET HIS DOG

Yeah ok just some quick housekeeping updates:

You guys seen Peaky Blinders, yet? Because I am in the middle of season three and I am UNDONE.

Tommy Shelby could slice me with his blade and I would thank him for his time. Y'all holler if you've seen it because I need someone who understands what I'm going through right now. 
Seriously without remedy, over here... 
I guess I should mention that as I type this, I'm using our WiFi network that is titled "TheFinalRoseTonight," just in case ANYONE ever doubted my fandom for this show. 

FINALLY: if anyone watching the show in California ever sees that weather guy on ABC, Jonathan, announcing what weather is upcoming... IT'S THE WEATHERMAN FROM ALI FEDOTOWSKY'S SEASON: 
Image result for abc weather jonathan novack
True story.

And honestly he gets more TV time than anyone else in this entire franchise, so bully for him. 

Also anyone who listens to Valentine in the Morning on 104.3 MyFM would tell you that Ali Fedotowsky is pregnant because she is married to Kevin Manno, one of the co-hosts of that morning show. 

And I've already talked about how Graham Bunn hosts "Graham in the Morning" on GoCountry 105.1...

Basically what I'm trying to say is that every time I get in my car I'm met with the incestuous Bachelor Franchise and I LOVE IT

Also still haven't consolidated my thoughts about Sarah Hyland dating Wells Adams, but that's neither here nor there. 

MOVING ON, SORRY WE GOT OFF TRACK:

We open with Hare coming to tell the women that not everyone gets to go on a date. And apparently none of the women have ever seen this show because they are somehow VERY surprised by this. (Although it's not like Bekah would have seen the show before because she was LITERALLY A FETUS when Emily's season was on...)

So my friend Erica Boozer came over bearing, among other things, those cookie brownie bars from Dominos and I'd gotten up off the couch to fetch one when they started reading the group date card, so I bounded back over to my computer to get the names down. I present to you, without editing, the names I recorded:

Mackel jacklen lauren I TRia Marik Beeca bibana krystal

I think my favorite is "TRia." You're welcome. 

So it's gonna be a wrestling date. I'm already bored. Also I am sick of watching these women in physically compromising situations. I'm seriously so surprised that there haven't been 293847 ambulance trips this season.

Chris Harrison "introduces" Arie to the "Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor" and I did NOT need to know how much Arie weighs. Also why on EARTH are we calling him the Kissing Bandit? Do they have a deal with Courtney Robertson's book publisher? "Kissing Bandit" was seriously the best wrestling persona that was on their list? (Did I tell you guys how I read her book? Don't worry, I checked it out from the library so I wouldn't have to actually pay for it.) I honestly expected more than "Kissing Bandit" from the producers and editors that brought us THREE different flashbacks to Analiese's traumatic dog experiences. More on that later.


Two former women wrestlers come out and Boozer and I agree that  time has been a lot kinder to the “Little Egypt” one than to “Farmer’s Daughter," mercy.

BOOZER: Why isn’t Arie in workout clothes like the girls? He looks like a waiter right now.

Bibiana and Tia are literally crying in the corner… I mean, sure, Little Egypt’s comment about Bibi's mother was pretty off-color for 2018, but HI THIS IS A TV SHOW BIBIANA HELLO. 

#PollysPearlsOfWisdom


I wish that Annaliese was on this date to recall a traumatic wrestling experience, honestly. (Spoiler alert: I got more than I bargained for) OkbutseriouslyWHY is Farmer’s Daughter wearing no makeup? I mean, I’m here for it, (see: Frances McDormand at the Golden Globes) but like… Farmer’s Daughter, at least get some moisturizer or SOMETHING

I’m v concerned by the poor age lines on Maquel’s Lunch Lady face, but props to her for being committed to that mole and everything.

TIA: It’s so sexy to see Arie fight like that
BOOZER: While he still looks like a waiter?

I don’t even care about what’s happening. They are so deeply uncommitted that it’s just wildly uncomfortable. Was there even a strategy to the rounds of fighting? I guess Tia won, apparently? Who cares.

I don’t even have the words for this exchange between Krystal and Arie at the after party right now. She is accusing the other girls of living in a false reality when like... has she even heard herself speak? Does she know what her voice sounds like?

Bibiana goes in for one-on-one time with Arie and starts with “These group dates are so intense because I’m so respectful of people’s time…” and you know what? I have to give her some points for this. It's very obvious what she's doing, but if she HAD to go there, she picked a pretty diplomatic way to do so...

Arie on this group date is honestly like the nice guy who finishes last that’s in your biology class… The guy that you don’t hate talking to, but you definitely don’t want him to take you to prom. And you know his mom is crazy about you but you don't want him to think that it means you guys are going to date. That’s who I feel like he is, when he’s talking to these girls right now. He’s saying so many generalities that I don’t even know how to deal with him.

Arie asks Bekah what her longest relationship is and there’s NO way she can say anything over six months because she is actually 12… Turns out it’s 2 years, but that very well could have been in her SOPHMORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL.

BOOZER: I don’t hate her Rizzo vibe. 

He gives the rose to... who did he even give the rose to? Bekah? THAT'S how zoned out I was. I think he gave it to Bekah.

OMG KRYSTAL TELLING MARIKH THE NEXT MORNING ABOUT HOW GIRLS ARE INSECURE AROUND HER IS THE KIND OF TV THAT I LIVE FOR. “I’ve had to be a provider and work so many hours and I’m a fighter.” WHAT IS SHE EVEN SAYING I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

BOOZER: She’s not even drunk, there is literally no excuse for her behavior. 
She should call herself a stable genius, while we're at it..

One on One:
 
Lauren S.

Lauren S has genuinely never been outside before. “This nature is amazing. You can hear the wind rustling through the trees. This is a very Lauren S. date” Seriously, I think she's lived in a cellar her whole life.

Lauren and Arie talk about cardigans for SIXTEEN MINUTES and I have lost the ability to even. 

Actual footage of them


Boozer pointed out that Lauren S is a “social media manager” and Arie said she has a “really great job” so…. Clearly he must have her confused with one of the OTHER six Laurens… I mean, maybe being a social media manager pays well, seriously whaddu I know.

“There is power in problems. I want to talk to you about my family. My mom got an eye infection. Music is such a big part of my life.” Wooooow these editors are RELENTLESS with Lauren S. Here's the thing: Every ten hour 1-on-1 date probably has this level of conversation. I'm sure most of them genuinely do include obscure anecdotes about maternal eye infections... BUT THOSE PARTS ARE NEVER SHOWN. The fact that the producers chose to show this part of the date is, as the millennials would say: SAVAGE AF.

I guess it's semi-reassuring about Lauren S's future that she apparently knows that she's babbling like a brook, cause some self-awareness is always a plus, but ultimately she couldn't stop her yapping in time, because Arie picked up the rose to tell her he was going to... send her home.

They are playing some different violin music as Lauren S. gets in the exit limo... What is this song? I am now on a mission to find out what song it was and I am mortified that I don’t recognize it. Guys, WHAT IS THIS SONG?!

ARIE: Lauren didn’t really open up to me.
BOOZER: she told you about her mom’s eye infection, Arie!

Krystal was WAY too excited to see the PA come take Lauren’s suitcase.
Back off, KrystalBurger
I love how much tolerance Caroline DOES NOT have for Krystal. I certainly find THAT to be entertaining. 

Group Date:

Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese

Annaliese had a traumatic experience with dogs in her childhood ARE YOU KIDDING ME. (but obviously I'm loving this)

Brittany recognizes Arie's dog and calls it by name and I am HERE for her open admission that she's a stalker and knows the name of his dog.

WHOSE KID IS THAT IN THIS TRAUMATIC DOG FLASHBACK I LOVE THIS

So glad Fred Willard is here. He must have been just wondering around at The Grove that day because there's no way that any serious section of Bachelor Nation is familiar with this movie.But these ARE the same producer's who put somebody's godson onstage last week at The Bradbury and thought it was a thing, so... 

Obviously.


Basically we learned that Chelsea is definitively terrible at giving commands to dogs. And Annaliese is questionably skilled at picking up dog crap.

Arie took them to The Reserve and told them it was “an old bank." YOU ARE AN OLD BANK, ARIE.

Chelsea reminds me way too much of Courtney Robertson. She tells Arie, “I’m here to discover myself through someone else." Seriously what does this even mean? She is using her kid as a pawn and I am NOT into it.

AHHHH ANALIESE’S CONVERSATION WITH HIM I AM SLAIN HE ISN'T GOING TO KISS YOU IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHY IS THIS HAPPENINGGGG. Someone hold me.

Arie is pretty drunk at this point. Even his teeth are purple. He thinks that Becca is a dork because she hula hoops with her neck. 

"Ohhhh I'm soooo dorkyyyy"


ANNALIESE STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR PALMS BEING SWEATY, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 

This is all of which I can think... 



Rose Ceremony: 

BOOZER: Krystal’s hair is terrible tonight. It’s like slutty Jasmine.
GRACE: WHEN SHE’S TRYING TO SEDUCE JAFAR!! YOU NAILED IT. 

πŸ”¨πŸ”¨πŸ”¨


Bibiana set up a nice cabana (oh nah nah. Half of my heart is in- NEVERMIND) for some time with Arie and it was usurped by Arie and one of the Laurens... Honestly I felt like I was watching a nightmare version of Serendipity where we never saw the romantic payoff for all the stupid blunders. Seriously - did we even see Bibiana have time with him? After he asked her for more time with Lauren (which she graciously gave him?) I was honestly rooting for Bibiana tonight... 

Meanwhile...

ARIE: I am keeping my guard up with you.
BEKAH: Because you know I don’t need you.
GRACE: Wow she’s good.
ARIE: You’re good.
BEKAH: You always choose people who need you. Maybe that’s why you go for the moms.
GRACE and BOOZE: WOOOOOOOW she nailed it.
ARIE: You nailed it right on the… nailed it.

Arie told Tia that he did something special for her… he got hay bales and some moonshine… 
1) THE πŸ‘ BACHELOR πŸ‘ NEVER πŸ‘ PLANS πŸ‘ SURPRISES πŸ‘. I always think I'm going to be over the fact that main talent gets to take credit for producing and it still gets me every time. Although I will say - remember that one time Sean Lowe brought out Sarah Herron's dog at a cocktail party? THAT, I believe, was a truly genuine gesture. (Or at least, it was Sean saying "hey can we do something special?" Not a producer pulling him aside and saying "Hey we got some hay bales so you could take credit for doing something special.) 
2) Arie thought that... hay bales were romantic? I mean, a plaid blanket and some cricket noises would've done just fine. That poor PA had to schlep to the Westlake Home Depot to pick up this hay... sure hope he wasn't allergic to hay..

Jenna is insane. I don't even know what to say about her. Her kissing was reminiscent of Jamie Otis trying to kiss Ben Flajnik and I 🍩 know how to cope.

I have no words for Annaliese. Truly no words. He gently told her that he wasn't interested in kissing her, and then SOMEHOW Chelsea convinced her to go talk to him AGAIN, as though that would-
OMG CLAIRE DE LUNE. IT WAS DEBUSSEY, WASN’T IT?! The violin music playing during Lauren S's exit. That just came to me. I'm mortified that it took me this long to recognize it. But not as embarrassed as Analiese was when she was turned down by Arie A SECOND TIME and escorted out. I won't miss her nervous laugh.

Roses went to: Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren (is she the only Lauren left?) Brittany, Becca, Sienne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh

Bibana was the only one who didn’t get a rose at this rose ceremony… Which, quite frankly, is kind of embarrassing this early in the game. If Chris Harrison comes out and dismisses you solo, you know it’s bad. Boozer pointed out that she’ll be great with Vinny. I'm SURE we'll see her on BIP. 


I just wanna end this by saying that the song "Broken" by that angry pop guy and the girl from Evanescence is stuck in my head. Honestly whatever happened to Evanescence? Anyone got a twenty on Amy Lee right now? Johnny. Johnny would know. I'll find out and get back to you guys. Until then: if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

YOU NEED TO CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CHECK ON OTHERS

And we are OFF to the races! (no literally: Arie revs up his motorcycle and is ready to find love) 


Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery: Carolyn, Madison, Melanie, and Erica Boozer. Yes that’s her last name, get into it.



Ok well I was sitting to the side of the TV and couldn’t really see for the first two acts because I was… holding our antenna together. It was only working if you held your hand on the right side of it. Nobody worry: I ordered a new one from Amazon for ten bucks. We get lots of channels up in here with an antenna (oh, and in case you’re wondering – you literally have to type in “rabbit ears” when you search for this antenna on Amazon, special thanks to Madison Walker) lots of Christian channels and Korean shopping channels, and ABC, praise be.
When I say that this is actual footage of me... I mean it's ACTUAL footage of me. Please enjoy my Talbot's athleisure shirt that Gran said made me look like an elementary school PE teacher...
LIVING πŸ‘ MY πŸ‘ BEST πŸ‘ LIFE πŸ‘

Becca K got the first one on one and it was the usual Pretty Woman trope and I am SO bored. I am so unmoved by all of this. Like, the shoes… Rachel Zoe… the jewels… Take me to the downtown library and give us a tour of the underground there – THEN I’ll be impressed. Obviously The Bachelor thrives on misogyny... We know this. We are not surprised by this. But I feel like they're really taking it to a whole new level with Arie's "I just want you to feel taken care of..." 


BY THESE DIAMOND EARRINGS? HOW ARE THESE EARRINGS GON' TAKE CARE OF HER?! WHY DON'T YOU FIX HER BRAKES, ARIE?! 


Becca gets a rose. Yawn. 


Krystal Burger got the second one on one date and they go to Scottsdale. She tells us that she’s “as smitten as a kitten.” THE PHRASE IS “I’M A SMITTEN KITTEN



Important question: Does Arie’s high school have a Starbucks in it? There’s no way it looked like this when Arie was in high school… A THOUSAND YEARS AGO.


This looks like such a cookie cutter house that Arie lives in. His bedroom looks like a college freshman boy’s room after he moves out and his mom throws away half his stuff. Why are we looking through this scrapbook right now? THIS IS SO BORING.


SHE IS GONNA GET SO ATTACHED TO HIM YOU GUYS THIS IS NOT EVEN REAL.


MELANIE: Why is she meeting the parents right now?
GRACE: Because they want her to have an emotional breakdown.


Not only is Krystal going to suffer from MEGA first date syndrome (where she freaks out about their lack of connection in t-four episodes) but because of her rocky family life, she’s gonna get SO attached. This is borderline sociopathic of the producers to set her up on this episode.


Becca is doing the math back at the house about who has been on a date and I don’t blame her. Math is hard. Only TWO girls have been on dates. How many are left? Honestly this was probably the kind of example story problem I wrote in seventh grade when I was watching Bachelor Bob’s season (SHOUTOUT TO KELLY JO BEING ROBBED THAT YEAR)


FINALLY they go to a cool place downtown... The Bradbury Building is awesome... except Arie tells Krystal that it is "vintage." 
NOT TODAY, SATAN

Was this the place that Sean took that girl that he sent home after the Pretty Woman date? Wasn't it another girl named Leslie? Who went on to be an actress? Hold please.



This girl.


Anyone else remember that? Remember how Sean pulled a Mesnick and like, stood on the balcony questioning his life as she walked away? (because he’d sent her home) MISS U, SEANNIE.


May we NEVER forget Sean's Giant Snow Bus




Krystal tells Arie about her family life… She starts crying… Arie tries to put his hand on her hair, as though that will make things better…


KRYSTAL: My life was really hard.
ARIE: I’ve had friends who were sad one time.

And we are treated to a concert by… 
Connor Duermit...

Who has GOT to be the producer’s godson. Maybe he’s had a song released on a Grey’s Anatomy episode, we don’t really know. I’m sure he’ll Instagram about his EP any minute now.

Afterwards, Kyrstal doesn’t want to tell the girls that she met his family. But she really isn’t doing a good job changing the subject, either.


Group Date:
Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annalise, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Sienna, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Chelsea

Demolition Derby… This sounds v v unfun. And unsafe.

Quick breaking news update: North Korea is sending athletes to the Olympics. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Are there… Are there no helmets in these cars? Do the doors not work? This sucks. I understand why it was a good idea in the producers’ minds, but how can we even tell the girls apart in these stupid death machines?

Annaliese has had… bumper car trauma. This is not a drill. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! The mask girl was hit by bumper cars. And in some producer’s fever dream, they thought it would be a good idea for us to see a hazy flashback that did NOTHING to further the story. But I’m obviously here for it.


JENNY: We all want one on one time, she just chose to cry to get it.
BOOZER: Well your earrings are from Forever 21, so I stopped listening to you a while ago. 

Brittany is apparently good at this. I am so worn out by these crashing cars. Also their whiplash would be SOMETHING. ELSE. 

Another breaking news update: Alabama just won the championship. Yay sports games!

Brittney isn’t feeling good so she decided not to come to the after party… I wouldn’t feel good if I’d been slammed around in a car for hours, either.

Chelsea immediately pulls Arie aside, tells him about her kid and follows it with, “I hope that’s ok with you” that she has a child… STOP APOLOGIZING, CHELSEA.





Chelsea then decided to tell the girls that she immediately pulled Arie aside because she’s a mom and he needed to know what she gave up for this… And Marikh TOTALLY shut this moment down and I am HERE FOR IT.

Sienne is WAY too schooled and well-traveled for Arie, but he gives her the rose anyway.
Image result for CLUELESS AS IF


Bibiana’s patience has been trialed a lot. Yes, you read that correctly. We even had the closed captions on to confirm this.

Arie think’s its sexy how Bekah… painted her car. His hand is GENUINELY the size of her head. Also have you SEEN this girl’s Instagram? She is 100% NOT a nanny.

WHOAAA ARIE PULLED THE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH WHEN HE GAVE SIENNE THE ROSE.
Image result for YOU GO GLEN COCO
Good one, Arie


Rose Ceremony:

BRITTANY: I'm saying to myself, "He probably thinks I’m nuts…"
ARIE: So speaking of…
BOOZER: Here’s my nuts!
...he ended up giving her some stupid certificate that a PA printed from their parents' house in Encino.

I’ve decided that Bekah is as cool as I want to be, in my mind… she’s that girl who all the guys are drawn to, and just “isn’t into drama” and you see her at a party and think: If I could JUST be that cool and chill, I could get a guy’s attention… BUT BEKAH LOOKS LIKE SHE IS LEGIT ELEVEN SO THE WHOLE THING IS SUPER WEIRD.

Arie is YAPPING about his dog to Bibiana right now. And I’m not against a good yap session. I was cornered with an awkward guy at work in the kitchen yesterday and I just started YAPPING about the book I’m reading (It’s a mystery novel… that was translated from Dutch… that I grabbed off the “New Releases” shelf at the library cause judging by its cover, it looked good… but I’m now on page 350 of 475 still waiting for it to get going… “Oh, look, my bacon is done in the microwave, bye!”) THE POINT IS: a well-timed yap can fill in some mega gaps. And obviously Arie has some GAPS to fill in with Bibi.

Roses went to: Maquel, Jaqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Bibiana

I love how Jenny just walked by without saying goodbye. And now he’s going after her. Now she’s crying. Her hands are on her hips and his arms are crossed. She pouts that she doesn’t want to “leave her friends.” Arie is talking to her perhaps the way that he should be talking to Bekah. She just told us that she got broken up with for the first time. Girl, bye!

So excited for next week. (and our new pair of rabbit ears will have arrived by then) You guys know how much I love episodes 2 and 3.


If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

IF YOU CAN FIND LOVE ON DATING APPS YOU CAN FIND IT ON TV


Hi first things first GUYS I WAS A SENIOR IN COLLEGE WHEN THE EMILY MAYNARD SEASON AIRED I AM EXPERIENCING MY AGE IN A WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. 

Send help. 



Several quick questions during this What-Arie-Has-Been-Up-To-For-Five-Years Montage:

1) Why are we not seeing Dolly Parton in this flashback? Does no one remember how Dolly made an appearance?

2) Why are we not talking about how he dated that producer, Cassie? That was a groundbreaking, FOURTH WALL BREAKING moment in Bachelor history, HELLO.

3) Remember how Emily ruined that perfume-making date with Arie cause she wouldn’t let him even do the date because she sent him home?

4) OH I FORGOT ABOUT ARIE’S JOURNAL ON THE AFTER SHOW!!

Honestly looking at him age right now right in front of my very eyes is like seeing Mark Hamill in the new Star Wars franchise. (Which I still haven’t seen, because I refuse to acknowledge my own mortality… whatever)

So the show doesn’t premiere before January 4th, like, EVER, so when I scheduled my flight back to Los Angeles after Christmas, I chose to fly out on New Year’s Day. I had to leave my parent’s house at 7 pm sharp, literally JUST as we were getting the footage of Arie driving up the coast and talking about how he’s looking for love… it was PAIN.FULL. Full of pain. However, my friend Kimberly GRACIOUSLY offered to let me watch at her house (We still don’t have cable, get on my level) so Kimberly, Justin, and Daisy Mae the cat and I watched together. Normal Peanut Gallery proceedings to begin next week. (Oh also JUST IN CASE anyone was wondering - I did NOT get engaged over Christmas. Whew, glad that's out of the way!)

I spent most of the opening ten minutes raking my hands through my hair, repeating “I can’t believe it… I can NOT believe Arie is the Bachelor…” I mean, how did they have ZERO options and just dive deep back into the archives and pull out an archaeological artifact for this season, my mind is BLOWN by this. Think about how much this franchise has evolved in five years. Think about how much YOU AND I have evolved in five years! And all the grey hairs that Arie now has! It’s just so much and I love it all. Most of these girls were literal BABIES when Emily’s season aired. Think about it: all of them were born during the presidency of Barack Obama. I’m just kidding. But not really.

MOVING ON:

Oh Chris Harrison, how I’ve missed you and how I love you. Also you look tan and I am NOT objecting.

THE LADIEZ:

Chelsea from Portland, Maine – she was “comforted” by knowing that Arie was The Bachelor. What an interesting word choice. Also she has apparently never touched toys or a peanut butter sandwich before, because she does NOT know how to fold this shirt right now. I was also attempting to educate Justin on how to spot juvederm and botox, and Chelsea was a GREAT subject for this.

Caroline, Real Estate –

JUSTIN: Well that’s totally a normal dress to show a house.
GRACE: I really didn’t need to see her ribcage.

(Also they totally found these people in the house on Actor’s Access, let’s JUST be real.)

Maquel – Photographer… And the new Corinne. Even down to the center part of her hair.

Nysha – nurse – I 100% do not care that she jumped out of a plane.

Tia – the new Raven. Don’t ca- oh, it looks like she literally does KNOW Raven. Obviously she is not from this town named after a male anatomical part, they just went twenty miles down the road from Hoxie and made her pose next to the welcome sign and handed her that red toy as she exited the limo.

Kendall – Taxidermy Girl – can someone introduce her to Kirk’s dad? Yes KIRK FROM ALI’S SEASON WHO HAD A DAD THAT WAS INTO TAXIDERMY. (Remember that basement?) Yes, the same Kirk who broke Carly’s heart on Bachelor in Paradise, BEFORE CARLY FOUND LOVE WITH EVAN BECAUSE TRUE LOVE IS REAL.

Bekah – nanny. So… she’s an actress. Mmm hmmm. This girl is absolutely an actress. Make no mistake. If your hometown says “Los Angeles” and your last name ISN’T Garcetti, then you’re a) not from here and b) DEFINITELY an actress.

Marikh – lemme guess. She isn’t here to make friends. She 100% does not co-own this restaurant with her parents. Just like Corinne didn’t run her parents’ business are you KIDDING ME.

Coach Krystal – YES. Omg she is such a wreck!

JUSTIN: She’s also not 29. And I love how they made it look like she was generous and gave out two bags of food but it was really that they only had time for one shot of “homeless people” in this intro.

Limo Exit Notes:

- Relator Caroline – “off the market” line. Could’ve done without that.

- Chelsea – is Chelsea already hammered? This seems like a weird intro.

- Kendall – “creative director,” where’s her ukulele? (update: I’m sorry I asked)

- Seinne – elephants never forget… AND NEITHER WILL WE. But she is very pretty. Not that being pretty makes up for bad jokes, but just an observation.

- Tia – OMG. The tiny toy she pulled out. I WILL NOT DIGNIFY IT BY MENTIONING IT HERE, some things should be sacred. MERCY.

- Bibiana – Bibiana is so Miami that I 🍩even know how to handle.

- Bri – sports reporter… I did NOT need her to throw that ball. Don’t care that she played softball. Also, if you’re a sports reporter, don’t you call yourself something more official than “sports reporter?”

- Jenny – pink dress. Boring.

- Brittane (or HOWEVER you spell her name) You know what? I don’t hate the Ferrari/Arie joke. Am I getting old? Is it my old age that’s turning me soft?

- Jacqueline – well she seems the most down to earth so far, but she was definitely born during the Obama Presidency.

- Krystal – I really want a Krystal burger, tbh. When she told him to… close his eyes and feel the gratitude… Remember when the big chubby guy in Mulan grabs the short guy with the black eye (voiced by Harvey Firestein – FIRESTEIN, not Weinstein, calm down) and makes him meditate? That’s what this reminded me of. Hold on, here’s a picture:

Have a Gratitude Attitude

- Nisha - EAT SOMETHING

- OMG this girl with the yellow dress and red hair. She is the most quintessential season premiere girl that ever lived. We don’t even see her name because she is going home in literally five minutes. (Update: she’s a “Server” from Nashville – really, that was the best title they could come up with? And she got a rose!)

- Nanny girl Beckah drives up in a red version of the car that Princess Mia drives in Princess Diaries and I CANNOT BE BOTHERED.
Thank you, Trolley People. 


- Jenna – social media manager. Jenna has already been overserved and what is she even saying to Arie right now as she is grabbing his shoulders, this doesn’t even make sense but I love it.

- Jessica- Jessica wants us to believe that she’s 26 ARE YOU KIDDING ME omg I’m remembering that I’m older than half these women now and it’s such a time warp.

- Marikh – what did she even say to him? I zoned out. Something about spice?

- Olivia – “I adored you on Emily’s season” WELL THAT’S GREAT BECAUSE YOU WERE FIVE YEARS OLD WHEN IT WAS ON, GIRL BYE.

- Becca – Could have done without the Rebecca Jill thing but this girl is gonna go far. Also how many push ups can she do because she is ripped.

- Lauren – Ohhh he really likes Lauren (well, this one, anyway)

- Lauren J – “recent master’s graduate” that’s a new one. These Mardi Gras beads are out of control but I’m obviously very into them.

- Lauren B – oh are we going to have to keep up this Lauren trope all night?

- Lauren – “executive recruiter from LA”… so she’s another actress.

- Ashley – real estate agent – too many finish line jokes, Lord have MERCY

- Brittany – did NOT need to be speaking Dutch so poorly. Mortifying.

- Amber – spray tan line OMG HOW DARE SHE!

- Ali – pit stop… Please don’t.

Literally.


- Annaliese- KISSING BANDIT GET OUT but why is he touching her so much. Also I love how people wear a TINY mask on this show and act like they’re wearing a bank-heisting ski mask.
ILLUSIONS, Michael! 

- Maquel – OMG her hair extensions. Helloooooo Corinne. This girl will 100% be releasing her own fashion line before she tries to find love in Mexico on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

- Arie’s 60 mph to 0 when Chris talked about the first impression rose was REALLY working for me.

- KIMBERLY: I just need to take a moment and point out that Arie is calling them “girls” and not “women.” Not sure what that means but let’s take a note. (I feel like we're going to circle back to this one)

- Of course the Juvederm girl steals him away first, are we surprised? Also she low-key reminds me of Courtney Robertson,

- OMG ARIE’S “SILLY FACE” WITH CORINNE 2.0 I AM DECEASED. Why did she take a photo and walk away? I love this,

- Who is this down to earth girl that is talking to him by the fire? I can’t even scroll up in my notes to see her name. Probably Lauren. (Update: Jacqueline. Rooting for you, Jackie)

- Brittany… pulls him aside to show him something she has prepared. OMG is it a massage table. Oh hello it’s two Barbie cars. How did she squeeze into that pink car? Arie saying that he would give her a bump is the most charming and human he’s been this whole episode. And now she says that their kiss was the greatest of her life and it was LITERALLY a peck.

- Kendall and the ukulele… Please leave. It’s like it’s so overproduced that she’s not even that nervous and awkward about it and so it just SUCKS. We don’t see her being nervous about it or anything as she sings a garbage song, this is just a straight up dumpster fire.

- Jenna… Who maybe owns a pedicure shop, maybe owns an ice cream shop. GIVE ME MORE OF THIS GIRL.

- Annaliese, Mask girl … We hit the rewind button on Aire’s “Aww, so pretty” no less than nineteen times. Reminds me of the way my dad said it when he saw my lavender cotillion dress in sixth grade, So much disappointment. And I’m sure Annaliese is now mortified that she has a chemistry goggles mask mark on her face. (Also may we NEVER forget the mask guy from Ashley Herbert’s season)

- We are LOVING the white dress that one of the Laurens is wearing but we are definitely ready for her to run for office, not to marry the Bachelor.

- Chelsea has clearly done some pick-ups, cause she’s not wearing her lashes in this interview where she says that she needs more time with Arie… Aaaaand she steals him away again. Hope he enjoyed those lips, cause they have to cost about $300 a month…

- Pink dress girl drew a picture of Arie and said that she was an artist when she was a little girl… THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL WHEN EMILY’S SEASON WAS ON.

- Nanny Beckah is a MASTER. She knows all the right questions to ask and all the right looks to give. I think I’m rooting for her?

- Random note about an Ashley… WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS GIRL IS. Seriously have we seen her before?

- Roses went to: Becca, Marique, Kendall, Lauren G, Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S, Sienne, Caroline, Brittani, (Don’t even know how to spell her name) Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B, Ashley, Tia, Maquel

Oh I feel kind of sad about the girl whose dad “met” Arie (but did he really meet him? Asking for a friend. But I think this girl looks too much like Laura Trump for me to feel endeared to her)

GUYS I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS SEASON I 🍩 KNOW HOW TO EVEN. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...  

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Bachelorette Red Wedding

Let me start with this: I get morning newsletters from ALL the outlets. You name it, I’m reading it when I’m procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning. The longest running daily news stories I’ve been getting are from… Yahoo News. I couldn’t even tell you why, I could just tell you that I know way too much about the Kardashians and Duggars because for WHATEVER REASON, Yahoo over-peddles their stories. So this (Monday) morning, I was DEVASTATED to read that Chris Pratt and Anna Faris split. True love is DEAD. And THEN do you know what I read? “If you think Rachel chooses Bryan, read this…” and proceeded (like the usual sucker I am) to an article about how apparently Rachel and Bryan’s last date is full of a bunch of air and awkward silences… You know who ELSE had a final date like that? Kaitlyn and Shawn. Right before she absolutely, unequivocally picked Shawn B and he proposed. What I’m saying is SHE IS GOING TO PICK BRYAN AND THEY’RE GOING TO LAST FOR FOURTEEN SECONDS AND I 🍩care.

Ok. Onto bigger and better news: I got to be in the Bachelor in Paradise studio audience this weekend.

Yes, that means exactly what you think it means.

Let me back up: on Thursday of last week I got a text from my friend Shannon, who had seen a post from a friend on Facebook, saying something like, “We need people in the audience for a Bachelor in Paradise special, email this person if you wanna go!” I didn’t even finish reading Shannon’s email, I just IMMEDIATELY reached out to the email address and was like, “I WANT TO GO GET ME THERE.” Carolyn was out of town for the weekend and could NOT join me, so I was flying solo. I signed (what I’m sure was) an iron clad Non Disclosure Agreement (TLDR), so I won’t be giving anything away, but just stay with me, here. So we get to this holding room where we sign all the papers and they give us some Subway sandwiches. Then they start calling us by group to go into the studio. (As in: group that you got tickets through – ABC, Next Entertainment, etc) I knew that I wasn’t in a big group (obviously) and would be called at the end, which meant a crappy seat in the back and I could NOT HANDLE that, so when they said “Disney Group” and called everyone’s name in the group, I just stood up and walked over to the group of people. Completely bluffing, pretending I was a part of that group. I knew they wouldn’t be checking names once we were in the door. So I started talking to two girls and when we got into the studio and the coordinator asked “How many in your group?” still bluffing, I answered, “Three.” And when they showed us to our seats (which were great) I turned to the girls and said “Ok, sorry, I was totally lying, I am NOT a part of this group, I forced myself into it and I’m sorry.” They laughed and agreed that I’d made the right choice. So then a producer comes over and says “Ok, I’m gonna need you guys to spread out and each sit on two chairs, so we can make it look like this row is full. After the cast gets offstage you’ll slide over because THEY’RE GOING TO COME SIT OVER HERE.” Yes, you read that right: I was sitting next to the cast. For literally HOURS. Imagine a 14 year old at a Justin Bieber concert because THAT WAS ME, for six hours straight. NO. CHILL. Other memorable moments include but are not limited to: the SIX times I yelled “WE LOVE YOU CHRIS HARRISON!” during the silences. He finally said “I love you too.” And now I think we’re dating. I will GLADLY ghost write all of his future romance novels.

So the gist of it is: a) it was the best day of my life b) I was in the same room as Chris Harrison and was so close that I could have thrown a Frisbee and hit him in the face and c) I will be watching the BIP after show, COMBING THE SCREEN FOR MY FACE like a kid who was featured on the news in the ensemble of a homecoming pep rally dance. As they say in Hamilton “If I could see half of my hair, that would be enough.” (Totally kidding. They don’t say that first part in Hamilton. But you get it.) So during the second and third week of BIP, there will be an after show with a studio audience –THAT was the thing I was in and seriously, even my own wedding day won’t compare to that day.

So Carolyn and I still don't have a TV. I have watched highlights of last night. It looks like it kind of played out the way I said it would play out, and without further ado, I now present guest host, Claudia Crook's thoughts: 

(Actually let me give a very brief preface and say that she and I were talking last night about reality TV (or "Unscripted TV," as we say) and I was kind of explaining why I think things went down the way they did and how they ended up going down the way that they did... Which ended up totally ruining the show for a one Claudia Crook. And for that I am deeply apologetic. No one should be ruined on this show. Everyone should believe in TV Magic and True Love!) 


CLAUDIA:Ok, so honestly, our brief conversation about the possibilities of how the ending of the show was manipulated by the producers has completely changed my outlook on the whole thing.

I’ve seen UnReal. I know the production process is manipulative. But the show became enjoyable for me to watch with the presumption that the contestants were willing and conscious participators; that they knew it was a game and how the game was played and were co-conspirators in a way. We the audience were being duped, but to a certain degree the contestants were in on the joke, or at least the lead was. This kind of lead/franchise relationship is exemplified to me in the pep talks with Chris Harrison, the strategy meetings of sorts. I also knew the show that we saw was manipulated in editing – picking and choosing the best stories based on the footage available (exhibit A, the ridiculous teasers that made it looks like a) Kenny and lee got in a fight and b) Peter made Rachel cry back before hometowns). But I guess I had thought the action actually unfolded relatively organically, with the knowledge that the casting was made for specific reasons and the dates are grueling and unusual and the isolation process is stressful. What I may have seen tonight, though, is depressing and disturbing in that, if what Grace has suggested is correct, even Rachel is a pawn of the system. And I also had fun imagining the show as a kind of modern match-making process. Even though it’s not really what the brand of the show advertises and sells, which is the fairytale romance that I assumed the less critical consumers of the show just buy into wholeheartedly, I had suspected and really saw in Rachel’s use of the show and the “process/journey” that the show could be much more practical – just like the Indian community using biodata and their parents and aunts and uncles expertise to find a mate for them and then quickly agreeing to it re: Meet the Patels, why not use the whole force of a highly trained ABC production team to sort through thousands of applications of men who want to date you and then have a bunch of really elaborate dates and also stressful situations to find someone you work well with and then just go with that? Maybe not romantic in the traditional sense, but a hell of a lot of fun, and practical! I thought that was the decision Rachel was going to make with Bryan vs Peter.

To say that I feel Red Wedding level betrayed by the finale of the 13th season of The Bachelorette would be a fair comparison.

Here’s what I thought I saw: 1. A great example of the things I loved about this show and the possibilities of reality television, which is real human emotion. Goaded, perhaps, but those eyes are puffy and those noses are snotty and those looks of devastation are genuine and in the moment. The full flex of those 43 facial muscles, that’s what’s gripping about this show. I saw it in Peter and Rachel’s conversation during their last date and I saw it when they met again in the after the final rose segment. 2. Rachel make a decision that is uncommon but perhaps wise – to choose a partner who is perhaps less magnetic at the get-go but has more concrete qualities that you know you can depend on for life; the use of this show as a perhaps antiquated but maybe more mature match-making process that focuses on the actual things that make a long-term relationship work and put more faith in building love and marriage with someone who wants to be there with you instead of focusing on an initial passion/magnetism that almost undoubtedly will fade.

However, both of those sweet tastes of voyeurism turn sour when I think of producers calculating 1) how their image would be hurt if the show came down to black vs white and somehow manipulating Rachel’s decisions so that that wouldn’t happen (though how naΓ―ve of them to think that conversation wouldn’t be happening regardless of how it happened – we just already had that conversation; what arrogance/ignorance to think they could skirt around it, particularly considering how they brought a real live racist on the show and then played him off like a normal mid-season villain), and 2) how much better the ratings would be if Peter didn’t win and then whispering into Rachel and Peter’s ears things that would make them break up even though they probably had the best change at an actual relationship, making EVEN RACHEL believe that she made the decision herself! that’s what I saw in the after the final rose segments – she seemed very happy with Bryan, but also the relationship with Peter is still fraught with feelings.

In terms of seeing emotions on screen, it suddenly feels much more exploitative and gross to be watching it go down with that level of manipulation on the table; if the lead is also being handled with so little respect just so the audience can see that kind of lasting effects of psychological trauma play out on television, all for money and ratings, the Roman Colosseum is hardly an inferior ethical comparison. I mean, have you ever had to confront an ex with whom you had a messy break up? Remember how shitty that was and how you lie awake thinking about it, whether you said the right thing, how much you hurt someone/were hurt? Now think about having that broadcast on live national television after having to watch it happen again. And think about the people who put you in that situation for a paycheck. And having to live with putting yourself in that situation for a paycheck! What torture!

And the GOT parallels come in the trickery of it all. The red wedding disappointment is like…I thought Rachel was better; I thought I was better! I saw myself in Rachel and saw Rachel making logical decisions and saying things about relationships that I’ve said about relationships. What I thought I saw was two smart people (Rachel and Peter) getting “around” the show in a sense, and I believed in it. I believed these two could have a real lasting thing in spite of the show, almost in the blatant defiance of the show. OR, I thought I was going to see Rachel make the hard but wise decision to go with the one who wants you, and present the relationship like the practical choice it was. But she didn’t present it that way – instead of , “you have the things I want, you’re there for me where others weren’t, you sold me with your confidence” she came out with the “you’re my best friend, you’re my forever, I can’t imagine my life without you” which we saw absolutely none of on the show. It’s possible it was there, but they chose not to show it. So with the editing of this season, like the Lannisters closing the festival hall doors at the Twins, the producers just pulled the rug out from under us and were like, “Nope, we win, we always win, we’re gonna get our proposal from the guy that we purposefully made out to seem like a used car salesman AND spin it like he was the favorite all along, you think you’re smart but you’re not, and neither is this girl who you loved all season because we can manipulate her too and get our manufactured and completely fictional ‘fairytale’ ending exactly on our terms.” It’s like, I’ve been duped. And that interpretation is still assuming that Rachel was somehow important – it becomes even more disturbing to think that at some point a production meeting happened when someone pitched Peter as the next Bachelor and then they stopped paying attention to Rachel and her process at all and then just started grooming Peter for the next Bachelor story to make them more millions of dollars (and put this whole nasty race issue behind them for good, conveniently!).

So yeah. That darker interpretation has totally colored all of my other more fun and exciting thoughts that I had during and immediately after the show. Just the money in all of it…I don’t know if I’m going to watch anymore! Combined with the way they’ve marketed the situation with Corinne and DeMario and the way they handled the race issue by treating it so disrespectfully (by a) disrespecting Rachel by bringing Lee, a racist, onto the show as a contestant, b) making light of real racial tensions by playing the lee and Kenny rivalry as a typical mid season fight, and c) clearly having the arrogance to think that as long as the final two contestants weren’t one black and one white that the whole race issue would suddenly not be important, and then taking whatever steps were necessary to make sure that Rachel didn’t have black man standing up there as the final two), I just don’t think I’ll find watching the show fun anymore.


GRACE:
I SWEAR NONE OF THAT WAS INTENTIONAL. Everyone should believe in TV love all the time!! This is a strange and dark turn to end the season on, but somehow wildly appropriate. We all know Bryan and Rachel aren't going to last. Maybe I'm also feeling resentful because this season was so dull, in the sense that we knew it was going to come down to Peter and Bryan this whole time, and then three episodes ago we realized that Peter wasn't gonna propose... I do hope against hope that Peter is the next Bachelor, and since he's such a level headed dude, they're gonna get some REAL colorful girls on that season. Oh, and I'll have a TV by then. 

Also I should remark that "I walked past your eyelashes for two days" is the new "I WROTE YOU EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR" was the best thing I saw on Twitter last night. 

Until next year, IF YOU'RE A BIRD I'M A BIRD.  

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Men's B*tchfest (Gran's title, not mine)

So Carolyn and I moved this weekend and do NOT have a TV. 11 years ago we were pretending to watch TV during Advanced Theatre when we were NOT on task and last night we were doing EXACTLY that: pretending to watch TV.
Sorry, Ms. Klocko.
So I have dispatched my guest hosts, Davey and Gran Gran, with taking notes. Not that it's a contest, but... Davey let me down: (I screenshotted these off my Droid and pasted them together in Microsoft Paint. GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME, MARK NORMAN) 




And now... drumroll please for Gran's Commentary!!

Ok y’all, total disclaimer...I didn't know half of these dudes. Here we go:

First off...the memorable moments were lower than low rent. Who even cares about those?

There is some BAD JuJu amongst the dudes. Dean is clearly the audience fave, and he won the consolation prize with Paradise. I guess. Gain paradise but lose your soul, hmmmm?

Iggy to Lee: “You are a gossip queen… Rat of all rats…You're a joke bro." Wasn’t Iggy the one that you and Davey whined about? (See above, Gran)

Blake spent more time talking more about Lucas than Rachel.

Heard several "her &and I"...where did these dudes learn grammar?

There were A LOT of bleeps...Mercy, they can cuss.

Kenny: "I wasn’t there for Lee, but for Rachel.” Lee apparently badgered the guys. DeMario was on team Lee. Kenny REALLY missed his daughter. He did an impression of Lee. I wasn’t impressed. Pun intended.

Lee states that Kenny is one of the smartest guys in the house. Says he should've been a better friend and that one of his tweets was especially heinous, (I won’t dignify it by mentioning the contents) He really got busted on that one by the dudes AND Rachel. BUS.TED. He appeared as if he was falling on his sword, all contrite. And eating a MAJOR slice of humble pie.

Diggy was offended that Lee got a rose over him.

Josiah: Lee was a common enemy, He asked if he was a racist, why did he come on the show with an African American?

Lee hugs it out with Kenny, and wants to apologize to Rachel.

Dean: relived his heartbreaking moment. He asks why was he her beautiful surprise, then dumped? Hometown revisited...he wanted Rachel to see his big picture.

Rachel was pretty much hemming and hawing about the guys. Nothing newsworthy.

Bloopers were idiotic.

Okay kids...that's all I have. I do need to disavow myself after taking a SHOWER.

Give it up for my hard working team, y'all!!! 

Honestly I'm still scouring the streets of Venice for Deanie Babies. 

If he's a bird, I'm a bird...




Tuesday, July 25, 2017

It's Miracle Season, Y'all!

Seriously I'm already bored and depressed going into this week because Deanie Babies is gonezo. And if you DON'T think I'm SCOURING Venice, California for this guy every day of my life now, you're wrong. 

MOVING ON:

Meeting the Fam

PETER:

Ohhhh look at Rach switching it up and introducing her family first. Oh wait, her sister is pregnant. This exposition scene with the guys was so stupid and such a waste of time. The Living Room Peanut Gallery hates ChiroBryro at this point. Ohmigah why are she and Peter at this baby store right now I am SO BORED, WHERE IS DEAN?!?!

Ok Here’s the deal: we ALL know she’s gonna choose Bryan. She isn’t gonna choose Eric, Peter isn’t ready to propose, and now they’re having to fill in all this boring exposition because there is NO show. I don’t hate Peter’s stargazer lilies that he brought for Mom and Co, but if only he’d picked them out himself… It was a bold move for her to tell him that she’s falling in love with him too – I’M LOOKING AT YOU, BEN HIGGINS. (But still… marry me, Ben)

Have bag. Will travel. 

Where is Rachel’s dad? I do think it’s telling that Rachel wanted her sister there badly enough to bring the guys to Texas. Also this is very obviously 100% not their house. Sure, they added some family photos up on the wall, but this is not their home. 

I love how Rachel is trying to convince her family that it’s ok for Peter to propose to her after one month because his parents got engaged after one month. As an attorney, she should know that this is a weak argument, Your Honor. 

Loving that the brother in law asked what items are “of note” to Peter. Not concern, just “of note.” But then her mom asked Rachel what the red flags were. And Rachel says “I don’t know if he is ready to propose.” Because THAT is going to be the show, you guys. Peter will be the one who won’t be sure in the end, and she’ll pick Bryan. Ugh, I need to get out of unscripted TV. It's ruining this show for me. 

Peter doesn’t want to ask for Mama Lindsay’s permission and Mama Lindsay LIKES IT. Honestly so do I. Peter is so down to earth. And MERCY, this light of day is making those green eyes shine.

We saw Rachel’s dog and I go “What’s the dog’s name?” Carolyn says “Copper.”
And we both looked at each other and said “THAT NEVER HAPPENS!” (Carolyn has trouble with names. And small, minute details. Like the name of a dog we’ve seen twice. This was a big moment for her.)

Carolyn’s roommate Jyoti hasn’t seen a lick of this entire season, and after Peter’s date she goes “I just don’t think he…. Likes her.”

She’s not wrong.

ERIC:

Rachel’s uncle remembers that Eric was one of the guys that came on at the After the Final Rose, and I am HERE for his superfandom. 

I wish that Constance had taken the moment that she spoke with Eric to sing Celine Dion’s “Have You Ever Been in Love”… I really wish she’d carpe-d that diem, but alas, she just gleaned that he's never actually been in love.

Eric asked for Mama Lindsay’s permission… She gave him a very diplomatic answer. So diplomatic that I still don’t even know what the answer actually was.

CHIROBRYRO:

Ok that’s all I got on Eric. Oh good grief. Now it’s time for ChiroBryro and I 🍩 care. SHE’S INTRODUCING HIM TO HER FRIENDS! I’m telling you he’s going all the way. This is like when Nikki met Juan Pablo’s family.

RACHEL, to her friends: I thought he was a d-bag!
CAROLYN: I definitely still do. 

Honestly I kind of zoned out while Bryan was talking to her family because I was reading about someone’s speech to the Boy Scouts today, but also I was bored AF. Ohhhh loooook, he’s leaving the dining room, Rachel is annoyed… He’s probably going to get a human body art performance sketch of his love for her, calm DOWN, Rach. (I don’t even know what that means, but he probably left to go fetch some grand gesture) Wait but now we’ve gone to a commercial break. No art performance sketch? Constance doesn’t think Bryan is genuine and I completely agree with her. Constance is giving me Ben Patton taking on Ben Higgins and I am INTO IT. (Honestly, either of those Bens: MARRY ME) Is it just me, or has Rachel been talking Bryan up to us this whole season when we can all see right through him? Kind of in the way that your coworker talks up that one guy who is just THE guy and then you meet him and you think, "Really? Him?" And THEN you kind of doubt your entire relationship with your coworker cause you realize her standards are in a place that is totally different than you thought and THEN you start to kind of doubt YOURSELF because maybe you're a poor judge of where people's standards are? 

I seriously just made up that entire scenario just now, truly: THAT'S how bored I am. Gracious. (But I know you guys know what I mean. Seriously does ANYONE like Bryan? Let me see a show of hands...)

Rachel sits down with her mom and comes at her wearing her attorney hat, as she tries to convince her that it’s ok to say “I love you” after like, six minutes.

FANTASY SUITE DATES: Spain

ERIC:
All I can think about while they’re walking around Spain is…. “If I were The Bachelorette, I’d need my toe shoes.”” So much walking today. This scenery is pretty beautiful. I wouldn’t mind going here. The last place I’ve been really impressed by was Antigua, on stupid Dez's season. I will never tire of the site of the mountains next to the ocean. 

This dinner between Eric and Rachel is painful and boring. I love how “I love you” has somehow become the litmus test for the leads on this show. Like, no matter what kind of person they’re dealing with, ALL THEY NEED is to hear “I love you.” He says it and she’s ready for the fantasy suite. Mercy. Also: why is Eric wearing an undershirt on this date? Like, a straight up white undershirt. Like Big Daddy wears. 

Oh wow. We are seeing Rachel and Eric walk around the morning after. She does NOT have eyelashes on and she looks GREAT. Seriously, she needs to cut back on the lashes. 

PETER:
Peter and Rachel visit a vineyard that was… built on love. I don't know about that, but I really enjoy this Spanish man singing right now. 

PETER FOR THE WIN. That cork. I don’t even care if this story is made up. I love Peter. Not as much as I love Dean, but I love Peter. He isn't ready to propose, so they'll probably orchestrate a Brad Womack Redemption storyline and make him the next Bachelor and I am HERE FOR IT. 


Ohhhh Rachey is getting angry that Peter isn’t ready to propose. She’s getting real aggressive. This is weird that it is now a thing for them that they don’t agree on the definition of… engagement? 

OHMIGAH WHY ARE WE BEING STRUNG ALONG TO NEXT WEEK?!?! Although next week is the Men Tell All and you guys KNOW how much I love that shiz. 

So stoked for Lee and Kenny to face off. And for the Men Tell All audience to appreciate Deanie Babies.

Oh wait, next week might be... TV-less... Carolyn and I are moving into a place and don't have a TV (yet) soooo if anyone has a TV they'd like to sell to us... Or if anyone has a nice man they'd like for me to marry... Or cookies, honestly. You know, the usual things. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Special Guest Host and Commentator: GRAN

​Have I told you guys how my mom used to take notes on shows when I was in high school? (Didn’t have DVR then, still don’t have it now.) She would watch Alias and The Bachelor when I was in rehearsal then give me a run down when I got home. TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK. You know how super fancy people have guest hosts of their podcasts? That’s what I’m doing today. Here is Gran Gran’s commentary and recap of the show, for your viewing pleasure…

ERIC...in Baltimore... Took Rachel to "good part first, bad part last.” Played some hoops, then sat on basketballs to talk. He has never brought home a girl. His best friend was impressed. He had no role models, so he had to "put his big boy pants" from an early age. Admits he puts up a front that says "I'm OK.” Met the fam in a swanky hotel. Mom asks what it's like to be first black Bachelorette. Eric said he was running from love. Did NOT tell her he loved her.

BRYAN... Met her in Domino Park, and they shared Cuban cuisine. Rachel is very nervous. Bryan’s old GF was threatened by his mom. Mom told Rachel that she would kill her if she broke his heart. Dead Serious. Bryan is a mama's boy. BUT he did tell her that he loved her. Big Daddy loved that this was in Miami and kept asking if you knew every person on the screen, if they were going to go to your church, or if they’d stop in Little Havana and see Allycat.

PETER... Isn’t ready yet??!! Mercy. His friends loved her. At home, Rachel melted with Peter's niece, watching him interact with her. Rachel said he was more reserved around his family, but she connected with Mom and Sissy. Rachel said she was committed to a man, and NOT the proposal.

DEAN... Rachel jumped him when she first saw him. She does that ALOT. It was D's first visit home in 2 years. He is “troubled,” as Big Daddy would say. His dad is really bizarre. Dressed like some Shaman. No communication with Dean. Dad hit the gong and said Dean had a lack of energy and power.  Then Dean proceeded to go off on his dad, and dad simply walked away. I can sum it up in 1 word: BAGGAGE. He also didn’t tell her he loved her.

Rose ceremony:  First of all, her metallic blue eye make-up was HIDEOUS. Nothing we’ve seen before. Mercy. Rachel has feelings for all 4 men. Bryan was the ONLY one to say I love you. With Dean, she said he was a big surprise...but then she dumped him.  She seemed to be hemming and hawing thru the entire ceremony. Dean was obviously upset in Limo...saying he'd found true love...So, why didn't he say so to Rachel? I can sum it up: he was shell shocked by visit to his family.

I know a lot is riding on this commentary... May I disavow myself?​


NO YOU MAY NOT, GRAN, THIS IS AMAZING.

Guys, be sure and comment to tell Gran what a good job she did. Also she sent me THIS in the mail the other day, and if you’ve ever spent more than sixteen seconds with me, you know I LOVE some good drapery. Coupled with Lilly Pulitzer = the DREAM.



Three cheers for Gran! 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...