Tuesday, January 26, 2016


First of all, there was SO much yelling at the beginning of this episode. 

But actually. 
Guys. It's Las Vegas. Who cares? NO, that sign from Ben is NOT romantic. THIS IS VEGAS. Home to fake Elvis, drive thru weddings, and well, ALL the debauchery.

OLIVIA: I’m not threatened by other women. Ben is my peace. (wry smile) I’m zen with Ben.


If Sean Lowe's father could pass the fried Armadillo right about now, that would be great. 

(To our friends that just joined us, a "Yuk Yuk Joke" is a corny, self-indulgent joke after which one makes the "Yuk Yuk Yuk" sound when they chuckle at themselves...)

This post is dedicated to a one Kimberly J. Irion.

It was her birthday yesterday, so very fittingly, Olivia jumped out of a cake for her. She also happens to be one of my MOST favorite people. (Ahem, Kimberly, not Olivia) I'm not one to gush (except for the time I saw Ty Brown from Ali Fedotowsky's season at the Green Hills YMCA - it's a story for another time, but TRUST ME, "fan girl" doesn't even begin to cover it) but I'm not joking when I say that when Kimberly and I met, after exchanging a brief introduction, the next words out of my mouth were "YOU'RE SO PRETTY!" One time I was over at her house to drop something off, she spontaneously fed me dinner and after dinner when we were talking, she suddenly lit up and said, "I think we need ice cream and fudge. Do we need that right now? I totally think we need that right now, come in the kitchen." I'm not kidding: this girl is a magical fairy and I a. DORE her. Happy birthday, Kim!! 

One on One Date: JoJo

That table disaster with the helicopter was hilarious. Chris Harrison said the intern had been fired. Update: it wasn't Intern Jacob, no one worry. (But that's only because he's worked his way up to Assistant Editor, a few seasons ago...) Nineteen extra points to JoJo for going in for the kiss, there. And then again when Ben was basically leaning against her face in the helicopter. Get those mics out of the way, JoJo. You go girl. 

On the dinner date with JoJo and Ben, whilst listening to JoJo's voiceover about how "it's hard for her to open up," I turned to Johnny and Carolyn and I said, “Ok, do you think it’s hard for you guys to open up? Would you say that you are hesitant to open up?”After a bit of discussion, I finally realized that my beef with the phrase “It’s hard for me to open up,” is that… WHO DOESN’T OPEN UP EASILY?! Good GRIEF. It's like the women who say "I'm just really looking for an AMAZING guy who will treat me right, I'm ready to find him." LIKE WHO ISN'T?!



JOHNNY: He and JoJo are so perfectly basic together.
GRACE: Funny, that. It’s exactly what Carolyn said about Ben and Lauren B last week. I think I like him and JoJo a little better than him and Lauren B.... But I need Lauren B to go all the way for my fantasy team!
JOHNNY: She’s so… It's not that she’s a dime a dozen, she’s... eleven a dozen, I guess.
GRACE: I think she’d be a good bachelorette.

Johnny loves the underdogs.

Group Date: Talent sho- SHUT UP.

Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel and...Olivia

First things first: they had to walk nineteen miles to get to this talent show. So much walking. All the steps. And apparently the girls have ZERO talent. Lauren H made a very strange sound about it. They also feigned shock and surprise at the prospect of performing in front of other humans... 

TERRY: "Las Vegas crowds are the toughest in the world."
GRACE: No they’re not. Juries in Manitowac County are the toughest in the world.
JOHNNY: These are people who got paper tickets on the sidewalk. Like, “Here’s your marijuana card, and here’s a ticket to a show!”
JOHNNY: ....they’re just SO. DEAD. In the eyes! 

The only part of the Cake Debacle that's worth dignifying is Olivia's awareness of it. The whole thing was so... painfully... PAINFUL, but I honestly think it might have been worse if she came away acting like she crushed the whole thing.
And may we PLEASE take a moment to acknowledge that Olivia goes to the Boys II Men dressing room to have her panic attack. Casual. (THANK YOU, BOYZ II MEN ON ANDI DORFMAN'S SEASON, THANK YOU

During her spectacular mope, Olivia whined, "I couldn’t even look at him because he was so mortified," as she looked at Rachel, waiting for confirmation or denial (hoping for rapid contradiction) She was expecting denial. She got confirmation. Didn't help.

JOHNNY: You KNOW that single mom was totally encouraging her to do it the whole time. I’m telling you: single mom has evil eyes.
CAROLYN: Well I just need the single mom NOT to turn down the fantasy suite, otherwise I lose 75 points for my team. 

Honestly, I go back and forth about Caila. She reminds me of every girl I never liked in school, (circa DEZ) but then I think she’s really optimistic and I’d really want her to be on my team for a group project. She's the kind of girl in class who would be so smiley and positive that she'd make me feel slightly remorseful for being so cynical and sarcastic. But then I'd realize that my jokes made the teacher laugh harder, so I'd keep up the sarcasm.... I'd still pick Caila to be my lab partner, though. 

(We paused here, for Carolyn to answer the door for Dominos. ‘Sorry,” she said as she came back in with two boxes and a small diet coke, “I thought I got a two liter. I got a twenty milliliter.” For the record, Carolyn was the girl in class who made the same jokes with me AND whom I wanted for a lab partner.)

Making poor food choices since 2007..... Pass the cheesy bread. 

Olivia has a two fold plan right now:

1) Let Ben know that she put herself out there.

2) Let Ben know that SHE knows that she bombed.

My thoughts on this:

1) Putting herself out there: Sure. Go ahead. The producers probably coached her on this one. Why not slightly cover up an embarrassing performance by reminding him that you're laying it all on the line for love?
2) The bomb: This- THIS, my friends, is where she went so terribly wrong. Is it a great trait to be able to laugh at yourself? YES. Olivia could have acknowledged the bomb and MOVED ON.

...but she didn't. She talked about it and talked about it and cried about it and talked about it and- SHUT UP OLIVIA I AM A HUNDRED YEARS OLD WAITING FOR YOU TO FORGET ABOUT THIS AND MOVE ON.

No slowin' down now: she's a runaway train. 

 One on One: Becca

JOHNNY: We missed out. WE MISSED. OUT. You guys, I would have married EITHER OF YOU at the hands of Becca and Ben.
JOHNNY: Becca looks like a cult bride right now.
CAROLYN: A Manson Bride.
JOHNNY: A little too old, I have to say. Sorry. 

Loving this fake Bible that has the vows taped into it. 

BECCA: "It’s different than last season."
CAROLYN: Is it, though? Cause last time you got sent home in a kimono...

Emily And Haley without make up right now… YOU GUYS. This is why I don’t wear a lot of make-up. I will NEVER- I REFUSE to be as strikingly different without make-up. I don't care if not wearing make-up means I look like Chernobyl happened while I was asleep, if there is a striking, shocking difference between you made up and you made down, you need to reevaluate some things... 

BEN: "Haley and Emily’s mom has been great."
GRACE: And this plate wall isn’t bad, either.
CAROLYN: And this is great for the budget, because we don’t even have to pay for a car to send the one twin home.    

This rose ceremony is the most I’ve liked Amber’s hair, during this season, last season and Bachelor In Paradise COMBINED

Granted, Olivia is NUTSO MAGEE. But let's go ahead and acknowledge that she had a piece of text that was totally cut together. “I read a lot of romance novels where it all just comes together, and that would be GIGANTOR for me…” This was pieced together, and it wasn't even a smooth job, and I blame Assistant Editor Jacob for not catching it.

Roses went to: Amanda, Lauren H, Jubilee, Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia  


If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Monday, January 18, 2016

Deep Down, There's a Mean Girl In There...

This post is dedicated to my brother, Davey. Inexplicably, he started watching the show last week. Special shout out to his friend Buck, who basically talked him into it, and is ready to sign them up as a package deal for next season, like the twins. "Plus," Buck told me, "I did eight push ups today, so I'm feeling pretty buff." This show has been on the air for over ten years and I’ve seen every single episode, but Davey has legitimately never watched. This was so exciting. "Davey," I said. "This is so exciting. There is an entire part of my life that is dedicated to this show that you don't even know about. I have an entire following that you don't even know about. (The 'following' is really just Johnny and Mom, cause I make her read when in between episodes of NCIS) but you can read my funny words now!" He started texting me, as soon as he started, and immediately remarked that he was a fan of Olivia and Lace. This was more or less my response:

Whatta rookie.
He eventually came around.

One on One date: Lauren B.

Guys, before we go any further, let's all acknowledge that this date was sponsored by Jacuzzi. Please and thank you.

Hold up, quickly: did Ben just call her “Bee?” Queen Bey? Yey? or Nay?

Ok let's talk about this... Bee is a flight attendant… And she’s scared of planes? Listen, I get it. If there was no fear, there’d be no tension. No tension, no drama. No drama, no story. But COME ON.

CAROLYN: Probably because they’re in goggles. And those microphones.

Then we get a REMARKABLY basic line from Bee: “I’m not super into situations that I’ve never been in before.” 

Let's call it like it is: Lauren B is a walking, talking Pinterest Board. This messy bun in the hot tub right now? Her fake eyelashes? Her – DANG IT YOU’RE CUTE. (Just kidding. Ben said that, not I.) Does Ben have a Bible verse tattooed on his side? I’m pretty sure he does.

But actually.

*UPDATE: He has Proverbs 16:3 tattooed on his hip. I have legitimately missed my chance to find true love.

Meanwhile, back on the farm, Caila is having a full-fledged, chirpy meltdown and she is FREAKING OUT right now. I haven’t made those kind of sounds whilst crying since I was seven, maybe four. Is she even talking to Jo Jo right now, or is did they just edit it that way? GIMME A WIDE SHOT, BACHELOR EDITORS, OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Quick sidenote: My dad is obsessed with our yard. He is NOT a simple man. Carolyn pointed out that apparently Laruen B’s dad mowing the grass is the FUNNIEST thing Ben's ever heard.

Sorry, brief moment to speak about Big Daddy. All I really need to say is this photo, that my mother snapped yesterday morning, when he was on his way to Spin class:

Seriously, put him on a watch list.
Not that it's a contest, but just a note that Lauren B remarked that her dad is the “Nicest, kindest, most sensitive person…” It's safe to say our beautiful Pinterest board is BAE. ZIC. Granted, I don't have great fake eyelashes, I don't look like that in a bikini, and messy bun isn't even a THING for me, but off the cuff, in seven seconds flat, here are three superlatives for Big Daddy: "most charismatic, shrewdest, most gracious man I have ever known... and he LOVES to work in the yard."


Lack of punctuation intentional. She's pretty. But pretty basic.

No idea who Lucy Angel is, but they sound so much better than Bachelor Bands usually do (circa Juan Pablo and Clair’s date)

Group Date: Soccer Time
Amanda, Hailey, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily

BRYAN: Dude, you know there’s gonna be some chubby girl that pops out and is like, “THIS DATE IS MY CHANCE.”
CAROLYN AND GRACE: ...not this show.

Clearly there isn’t enough drama this season, because they had to bring back the competitive date and obviously the Stripes are going to win, because we saw that footage of Olivia hollering at the girls from the hotel balcony, SPOILER ALERT.

Apparently Ben thinks that Twin Emily being the goalie is even greater than Lauren B’s dad mowing the grass. He is losing his MIND on the sidelines right now.

BRYAN: Dude, that goalie, though. She’s laying it all on the line for love. Hey Grace, put that in your blog...

Quick observation from the after-party: Ben wasn’t wearing sunscreen today.

This conversation between Olivia and Jami is NOT real, right now. It is so absolutely unreal. Does Olivia have the feet of Shrek? What about the rest of her? Calves? Cankles? This conversation is seriously how guys make fun of girls for talking and I just...
Believe me, I went to a girls' school. I've heard it all.

And don't get me wrong: I am DOWN to talk about any kind of personal deformity. I can pick apart ANYTHING with you all day long. My nail beds suck, too. But national television is NOT the place to talk about it. 

AMBER: I can just tell that this is different. Like, it’s emotions, and I know what I want, and like how you handle things.


DEVIN: They’re drunk like, 80% of the time on this show, right?


One on One Date: Jubilee

BEN: Hey Jubilee, I think our ride’s here…
CAROLYN: Why do they act SO surprised EVERY single time a helicopter shows up? Like they’ve never seen one before? Ugh. I just want a helicopter.
DEVIN: Stick with me, kid.

Ben and Jubilee go to some rando spa in California, and they're now sitting facing each other like they are legitimately father and daughter. So weird.

BEN: Jubilee is an interesting girl, I’m glad she’s on this date.
CAROLYN: She spits out caviar...
BRYAN: I’m pretty sure she puked on me and told me she hates helicopters…

This hot tub conversation between Jubilee and Ben is even worse than Lace talking to Ben on the balcony last week. She is going down in flames.

I love that for three straight weeks we’ve heard, “There’s a lot more to you than people see” from Jubilee and we thought it was about Ben… IT WAS JUBILEE TALKING ABOUT JUBILEE.

So, SO much general talk about Jubilee's past. And her... "bloodline?" I don't even really know what to say about that dinner conversation. Except for the fact that she didn't touch her steak. (Oh and that Netflix show with Kyle Chandler was GREAT)

GIVE HIM ANOTHER EMMY (this isn't even from Bloodline but whatever)

Update: due to online research, I have determined that Jubilee’s tattoo says, “The past is practice.” You're welcome.

Cocktail Party:

After Ben acknowledged how two pillars of his community back home passed away, and Olivia pulled him aside…. To talk about her toes. And cry about them. This girl is so certifiable and I am LOVING it. She's every producer's dream. OHHHH AMANDA IS GOING TO CRUSH THE CONSOLATION GAME, TONIGHT. I am TELLING you - the consolation game is HUGE, in this arena. Remember how JP was the one who came over to Ashley's house after Bentley left? (and she was THIS?)
Rest in peace, purple duvet cover...

Meanwhile, they’re playing audio of Jubilee saying that girls don’t really like her, as Jo Jo is walking away from her and we hear random audio of Becca saying “I’m gonna go get some lip gloss or something…”

Finally, all I wrote for the end was: "So… Amber just dug her own grave…"

Blah blah blah, Lace left.... (I'm mostly just bummed because she was on my fantasy team...) And YES, she QUOTED. HER OWN. TATTOO. That just happened. (I've now THRICE mentioned tattoos in this post, which is enough to meet my tatt discussion quota for at LEAST the next six months...

Roses went to:
Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, JoJo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Monday, January 11, 2016

Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party....

This isn’t a commentary on the Golden Globes, but I feel like I should give a brief shout out to a gif-worthy night of television. I’ll give a quick top five:
Wait – before I begin, I need to acknowledge something: I am in the throes of a full-fledged obsession with Leo DiCaprio, right now. It’s like I’m catching up after missing the boat, post-Titanic. (See what I did, there?) I am so deeply obsessed with him right now it’s not even real. That being said, top five:

5) Taraji P. Henson passing out cookies, "COOKIES FOR EVERYONE TONIGHT."
4) The winner for Inside Out, “When I was in Middle School, my ONLY goal was to make it through the day NOT being seen… Clearly, something went TERRIBLY wrong…”
3) Let’s be honest about it: everything about Kate Winslett is VICTORY.
2) Jonah Hill, as “just a two year old bear from the Sierra Mountains and you took a chance on me, Alejandro…”


This post is dedicated to the entire Sturdivant Family, really. My friend Abby Sturdivant reads this commentary and she somehow roped her older brother, Peter, into reading it, last week. My older brother doesn't even read it. But my older brother WAS in a cub scout troop with Abby's older brother, once upon a time. And you better BELIEVE Big Daddy was the Scout Leader. No clue why I couldn't stay at home with my Mom, but I somehow got dragged to the Cub Scout meetings on Monday nights when I was a kid. And I couldn't tell you how to tie any kind of  boy scout knot, but I did learn a lot about the American flag, and you can bet the farm that I had a siiiiick Pinewood Derby car. Anyway, Peter, I hope you're reading this and I hope you watched last night. I always enjoy seeing your parents at church when I go home. Hiyoooo did I just get creepy? INTO IT. 

We’re off to a great start to tonight's episode with: “Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history...” from one of the twins, and JoJo tells us that “if I had a list, Ben checks of every list.”

Uh huh.

Have I talked about orchid care on this commentary before? ‘Cause we’re seeing some wilted orchid blossoms in front of Ben's face right now, and I just want everyone to know that a) the Bachelor Production Assistant is letting me DOWN, and b) Orchid Care is an ART and it is NOT easy.

Group Date: Back to School... or something.

Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace

My dear friend Allison very astutely pointed out “Lace is absolutely “Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party,” from Saturday Night Live.

Nailed it. 

GRACE: I’m pretty sure Lace’s forehead is frozen.
JOHNNY: And I’m pretty sure it’s perfect.

Johnny loves Lace. Even though she is absolutely NOT on his fantasy team, he's a huge fan. And ever since we decided to do the fantasy teams, watching this show turned into Carolyn and Johnny are watching it, GLUED to the checklist, tallying up the points. The competition in the air is THICK. 

Chris Harrison’s sweater vest and glasses. I don’t want anything else on this date, I JUST want this.

Obviously the person that put together the volcano instructions on this date is the same person that put together the foam core fantasy players that were featured on the live after show last week. (S)he probably has a college degree.

But what absolutely NONE of these girls have right now is basketball skills. 

Don't challenge me to a game of Gotcha. I'm JUST saying. 

Mandi had a BIG advantage in the final race because of those long legs- pause, who is driving the Mustang around the track right now? Is that Ice Cube? Is it Chuey? Who is it? 

After the whole thing, Becca pulls Ben aside for some hoops. As we learned from Love Guru Matthew Hussey on "Ready for Love" (a TERRIBLY underrated and too-soon cancelled show) it is good to have a task to complete on a date, (ie: shooting some hoops) to ease tension. The Beckster has, in my opinion, now moved up from the status of "filing cabinet" to "a Knoll filing cabinet." If you don't know about Knoll Office Furniture, use The Google. 

I don't even want to ADDRESS Olivia's gaping wide mouth. I would not at ALL be surprised if she's trying to turn herself into a meme with that. Also worth noting: the difference between Olivia With Make-Up and Olivia WITHOUT Make-Up is cause for concern.

JOHNNY: Olivia is 23 going on 35. She looks BEAT.

Speaking of "beat:"
Ok, she doesn't look like this, but hot DAWG, I love this comparison... 

I love that Jubilee thinks Lace’s name is “Lacey.” I have ZERO tolerance for people who mix up names, but I'm not mad about this one. 

Also, apparently JoJo has never been in an airplane before, because (unless they smoked a bowl off camera just now) the roof of this building right now is the highest she’s ever been. #Amazing #Blessed #GroupDateRose #TwentyPoints

CAROLYN: I think Ben's been drinking.
JOHNNY: Yeah, for sure. He’s real sweaty. And grabby. His hands have been EVERYWHERE, tonight.

Update: we now know that Jubilee’s tattoo says “The Past…” the rest is still a mystery.

One On One Date: Caila (plus a shameless plug for "Ride Along 2." Where's A. Shue when you need her?)

Wonderful intro from Ben:“Ice Cube has done everything from acting… to rap.” Whatta guy. 

Additionally, one time Kevin Hart cooked fried chicken for a girl in a crock pot, and it was cool.

His words, not mine.

Very genuinely, we got a line of wisdom from Caila: “I was waiting for my heart to catch up with the rest of the story.” (About her whole Fated Airplane Romance Story) That was when they sat at dinner in downtown LA, after traipsing around hot tubs in what I can only assume is Van Nuyes... 

Sidenote: it’s crazy to me that they’re getting to know each other and date… without phones. It's brilliant, it's amazing, everyone should do it, but how crazy that we are now facing this as an ABNORMALITY.

Group Date: Love Lab
Emily, Shusahnna, Haley. Sam, Olivia, Amanda  
I’m not mad about the smell test. I am ALL ABOUT smell. Pity that Ben chose the word "sour" to describe Samantha. Double pity that all he could conjure up to redeem himself was "passionfruit." 

Olivia is unbearable. She is on my team, so I’m not mad..... but she’s unbearable. #GroupDateRose #TwentyPoints

This hoodie and blazer on Ben is WRETCHED. (It's wretched on ANYONE, but come ON, Bachelor stylists) 

Cocktail party:

Quick poll: does anyone else remember when the word “b*tch” was bleeped out? Anyone?

But srsly. 

Johnny aptly described it as, "That was just like watching ALL of the car parts fall out of the car and trying to get to the side of the road…" Thank HEAVEN that Lauren B came to the rescue. 
(Also random points to Ben for stepping out on the balcony and saying "Wow, it's beautiful up here," as though he HADN'T lived in that house and seen that balcony before. As if he HADN'T witnessed JJ and Clint sitting on that balcony talking about how much they loved turtles and each other.)

Roses went to:
Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, LB… but NOT LB, Jennifer, Emily, Jami, Lauren H, Shusanna, Haley, and Amber.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird, 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

A Sea of Basics...

It’s the mooooost wonderful tiiiiiime of the yeeeeeear!!

Hearts will be glowing when roses are neeeeear...

This post is dedicated to my friend, Natalie Holzapfel. She is carrying Baby H. right now. That makes it Baby H’s first season. Ben H. and Baby H. INTO IT.

In an unprecedented turn of events, I'll have you all know that I have not read spoilers for this season. It actually wasn't on purpose - but last night Johnny threw out the idea of a fantasy draft and Carolyn said, "But Grace already knows who wins. She always reads spoilers."

A few things:

1) I've been reading spoilers since Brad Womack's second season. Which, by the way, was inaccurately predicted. I first experienced the fruits of Bachelor Spoiling one day in college, I walked out of Play Analysis and asked my friend Christine, "Yo, we're about to have a reading quiz on Death of a Salesman, and I totally didn't read it. What can you tell me?"

CHRISTINE: Spoiler alert: he dies.
GRACE: Oh good. Well here's a spoiler in turn for you: Brad picks Chantal on The Bachelor.

This was the moment I found out that Christine even watched the show in the first place, because her response was "HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THIS YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU KNOW THIS I'M ONLY WATCHING CAUSE MY ROOMMATE KATIE WATCHES AND NOW YOU'VE DESTROYED EVERYTHING."

(For the record, Christine was (is) a Stage Manager, (no literally, she stage manages the Broadway. She's a big deal) so she was NOT prone to hysterics, unlike everyone else in the theatre department: I think this was the most emotion I'd ever seen from her. Also, if you look at the tags on facebook, the first tag is is always a girl named Katie. It's Christine's roommate. It was very shortly after this that we became very dear friends.)

2) Why do I read spoilers, you might ask? Short answer: I grew up without cable.
(Which is actually one of the reasons I got into this show in the first place: the number of available TV shows was very limited) I grew up watching very little television. Which means that my emotional tolerance for television heartbreak is VERY low. Which means that when (SPOILER ALERT) Michael Vaughn died on Alias, I was INCONSOLABLE. I was crying SO hard that my mother would later tell me, "You were crying like someone actually died." I responded, "SOMEONE DID DIE!" The day that Bob Guiney picked Estella instead of Kelly Jo, I was DEVASTATED. I couldn't take it. I can't deal with bombs being dropped on me in real life, why should I even THINK about dealing with it on television? As soon as I found out that Dan Stevens was leaving Downton Abbey, I stopped watching altogether. I'm telling you: I'm not emotionally conditioned to handle Television Devastation. So as a matter of self-preservation, I happily read spoilers, so I can prepare myself (especially on this show) to be disappointed.

3) If you're not feeling at least a LITTLE impressed that I've read spoilers and been writing commentary this whole time WITHOUT revealing the spoilers of which I am aware, you should probably just stop reading this.

All that (The Broadway, Michael Vaughn and Downton Abbey) to say: I HAVEN'T READ ANY SPOILERS THIS SEASON. I was actually planning on reading them after I watched the premiere, but once Johnny suggested a fantasy league and I realized I was still eligible, I turned a blind eye to them, for the first time in a long time. But I'll tell you right now, even without reading spoilers, my fantasy team is STACKED. I feel great about it.


Let's start with a visit to Ben's hometown, or "The Bread Basket of America," if you will, courtesy of Living Room Peanut Gallery Member J. Langan (yes, we'll bring that one back home, a little later on) Loving the intro that Ben gets at homecoming, from the football bullhorn: “It’s the Bachelor… From The Bachelor TV Show…”

God bless Middle America...

We then hear the voiceover of Ben talking about how he might be unlovable...


I have a great number of fears that make the list before "being unlovable," especially since I will always feel loved an accepted by so many things in my life... Cookies, pasta, pop tarts, my bed... The list never ends, really.

This small town family convo with Mom and Dad about finding a nice girl to marry is nearly putting me to sleep… All I can say is that sitting down with Big Daddy and having this conversation would entail something to the effect of “Find out what YMCA he has a membership with. Talk to him about his retirement plan. I’ve been married to your mother for thirty one years. I thought she was independently wealthy when I first met her because she had Pepperidge Farm cookies in her pantry. Those are expensive. I’m still glad I married her. She’s lucky she married me. I’m an Eagle Scout. Find out if this guy is an Eagle Scout.” (It might not TOTALLY go like that, but… basically. Oh, and the part about the Pepperidge Farm cookies? Totally true.)

Bachelor Boons of Wisdom:

FARMER CHRIS: Kiss all the girls.
CAROLYN: Who the- Whoa. I TOTALLY forgot about his WHOLE season. Oh man. It just came rushing back. Wooow that was a bad season.

I hate Ben’s undercut so much I could die. I think this hairstyle is the worst thing that’s ever happened, anywhere and I’m SO ready for it to be on the way out… My only question that remains is why he exited a hotel room, pre-limo entrances? Where's his bachelor pad for the girls to run around in, wearing motorcycle helmets, huh?

JOHNNY: Ben is like that guy you forget is in your fraternity until formal. You know that guy? That shows up and you’re like, “Ohhh I forgot you were in SAE!”

Lauren B: A flight attendant (but is she? We didn't even see her on an actual plane, like we did with that Jersey flight attendant on Farmer Chris's season) She was the first out of the limo, and I’m pretty sure her grandmother made her dress. She brought him a pair of – “ONNNN THE WINGS OF LOOOOOVE!!” She looks like a doll, but Ben seems to be really into her. I have a feeling this one is going far. She's on my fantasy team and I feel GREAT about it.

Caila: Software Sales. She has an umbrella in her intro... And it isn’t raining. “There’s definitely something wrong when I have butterflies for someone on TV! I’m ready for Fate, Part II” 

Her intro of launching herself into his arms wasn’t too terrible, and Ben handled it like a champ. They’re both in software sales. Cool. I don't even know what software sales means. If I had to fake my way through a conversation as a software salesman, I'd tell people I sold Microsoft Word. That's software, right?

Jubilee: Oh no. Oh nononononono. 

All is NEVER fair in love and reality.

There are going to be so many war comparisons and I am NOT ready for it. At one point I said, “What does her tattoo say?” Johnny responded, “Tit. With a sign pointing to it.”

Mandy: Dentist. Johnny hopes she’s not out the first episode. Rose headband… That Ben can pollinate later…


The door is THAT way...

Later in the mansion, Carolyn raised a valid question, "Why is everyone acting like they’re dragons? They’re… twins."

Amanda: Orange County, two kids. She tells us, “I think Ben could be a great role model for my kids”
JOHNNY: He's 22. He is not ready for your kids

Tara: Chicken Enthusiast. She has a bookshelf with pictures of chickens and a picture of Ben. What DOES come first, the chicken, the Ben, or the Fried Amradillo? Correction- her name is TIARA.

Sam: Attorney, her dad Dad had ALS – I’M NOT DIMINISHING THIS, but WHOA, we are getting into this family stuff REAL fast… And Sam is wearing as much makeup in this one shot as I wear in six months. She got out of the limo and told Ben she found out "on the way there: that she passed the bar. SHE DID NOT FIND OUT ON THE WAY THERE, SHE’S KNOWN FOR MONTHS. Johnny and I tried really hard to imitate her voice and it hurt both of our throats too much… Weird voice or not, Samantha is on my team, and given the points you can rack up for your players speaking about deceased loved ones, she's a solid choice.

Jennifer: small business owner. She’s the girl to whom Ben said “welcome." This is what 'welcome' means to me:

Jami: Bartender. I love her dress. That's all I have to say. Find me on Pinterest, James.

Lace: Got the first kiss. Ohhhh and then she racked up 85 points in one episode alone. You BET I got this girl on my team..
Later on in the mansion (ten drinks in for Lace)

Johnny: I love Lace so much.

Carolyn: Says the guy who loves that rando that shows up at SAE parties. Let’s wait till she’s sober. That will be a true test of your allegiance to her.

Lauren: Math Teacher. He DID NOT get her name. He tried three times.

Shushanna: she is NOT speaking English right now. And she doesn't speak any English for the rest of the episode. This is going so well.


JoJo: the unicorn. So much. She also did the card/charades/guessing game later, which was actually a VERY clever move, on her part.

Lauren: Threw the bouquet. She is on my team as well. COME ON, SHE'S A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER, YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT.

Laura: Red Velv-SHUT UP. (For the record, when we caught a glimpse of Red Velvet in the limo, Johnny pointed to her and said, "That girl. That girl is 100% going home on this episode and we WILL NOT learn her name...")


Maegan... brought a pony. As Carolyn put it “She can just turn back around now…”

Breanne: first thing she tells him is that she doesn’t eat gluten.

Pass the cookies.

JOHNNY: She is breaking bread with him. He is from America's Bread Basket and she is breaking bread with him! (Ohhhhh there it is. I passed Johnny the fried armadillo at that point)

Izzy... is in a onesie. Please leave, Izzy. Go find Denny. Just go.

Rachel: at least she picked up her train when she rode down the driveway on a hoverboard...


Jessica: All I have written is "Not painful intro." Ohhh now I remember. She was a brunette that I thought would be going far until she... got eliminated... Can't win them all. (We made our fantasy teams after the premiere, for the record)

Lauren, “LB” fyi: that dress is from French Connection and it’s impossible to get into it. My mom and I nearly wrestled each other to the ground trying to get me into one of them one time, it was so hard.

Jackie: She brought him a save the date. She studies old people. I reached out and clawed my arms into Johnny’s arm when we saw #ToHiggensAndToHold

Olivia: news anchor, very disappointed that he... doesn’t have dimples? She guilted him about how she left her job for him… STILL NEVER BEATS THE GIRL WHO SOLD HER CAR TO MEET PRINCE LORENZO.

I will NEVER forget this girl. 

Olivia tired to give him a schmorgasboard of things that shes interested in… she is interested in NONE of those things… “I love to travel... Pick a spot on a map and just go there” SHE DOESN’T DO THIS. (But yes, she's on my team and I have high hopes for her points, this season)

Once everyone had exited the limos:

JOHNNY: Look at this sea of Basics… White chicks that are blond who wear sparkles. That is this season.

We interrupt the normal broadcast to tell you this bit of commentary:

"Well… Becca is looking great" is what I wrote down. That girl seriously has the personality of a filing cabinet but hot DAWG she's pretty.

Roses went to:

Lauren B
Hailey (twin 1)
Emily (twin 2)
Lauren H

Quick note: WE HAVE NEVER HAD A CHORUS BEFORE THE FINAL ROSE and we are getting a CHORUS right now. Seriously the Russion choir that underscored "Anastasia" is singing in the background and I could NOT be happier about it.

Last rose went to...


Shocker. I won't even dignify her pout about his lack of eye contact with commentary...


There's your credit, Johnny.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird,