Monday, January 18, 2016

Deep Down, There's a Mean Girl In There...

This post is dedicated to my brother, Davey. Inexplicably, he started watching the show last week. Special shout out to his friend Buck, who basically talked him into it, and is ready to sign them up as a package deal for next season, like the twins. "Plus," Buck told me, "I did eight push ups today, so I'm feeling pretty buff." This show has been on the air for over ten years and I’ve seen every single episode, but Davey has legitimately never watched. This was so exciting. "Davey," I said. "This is so exciting. There is an entire part of my life that is dedicated to this show that you don't even know about. I have an entire following that you don't even know about. (The 'following' is really just Johnny and Mom, cause I make her read when in between episodes of NCIS) but you can read my funny words now!" He started texting me, as soon as he started, and immediately remarked that he was a fan of Olivia and Lace. This was more or less my response:

Whatta rookie.
He eventually came around.

One on One date: Lauren B.

Guys, before we go any further, let's all acknowledge that this date was sponsored by Jacuzzi. Please and thank you.

Hold up, quickly: did Ben just call her “Bee?” Queen Bey? Yey? or Nay?

Ok let's talk about this... Bee is a flight attendant… And she’s scared of planes? Listen, I get it. If there was no fear, there’d be no tension. No tension, no drama. No drama, no story. But COME ON.

CAROLYN: Probably because they’re in goggles. And those microphones.

Then we get a REMARKABLY basic line from Bee: “I’m not super into situations that I’ve never been in before.” 

Let's call it like it is: Lauren B is a walking, talking Pinterest Board. This messy bun in the hot tub right now? Her fake eyelashes? Her – DANG IT YOU’RE CUTE. (Just kidding. Ben said that, not I.) Does Ben have a Bible verse tattooed on his side? I’m pretty sure he does.

But actually.

*UPDATE: He has Proverbs 16:3 tattooed on his hip. I have legitimately missed my chance to find true love.

Meanwhile, back on the farm, Caila is having a full-fledged, chirpy meltdown and she is FREAKING OUT right now. I haven’t made those kind of sounds whilst crying since I was seven, maybe four. Is she even talking to Jo Jo right now, or is did they just edit it that way? GIMME A WIDE SHOT, BACHELOR EDITORS, OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Quick sidenote: My dad is obsessed with our yard. He is NOT a simple man. Carolyn pointed out that apparently Laruen B’s dad mowing the grass is the FUNNIEST thing Ben's ever heard.

Sorry, brief moment to speak about Big Daddy. All I really need to say is this photo, that my mother snapped yesterday morning, when he was on his way to Spin class:

Seriously, put him on a watch list.
Not that it's a contest, but just a note that Lauren B remarked that her dad is the “Nicest, kindest, most sensitive person…” It's safe to say our beautiful Pinterest board is BAE. ZIC. Granted, I don't have great fake eyelashes, I don't look like that in a bikini, and messy bun isn't even a THING for me, but off the cuff, in seven seconds flat, here are three superlatives for Big Daddy: "most charismatic, shrewdest, most gracious man I have ever known... and he LOVES to work in the yard."


Lack of punctuation intentional. She's pretty. But pretty basic.

No idea who Lucy Angel is, but they sound so much better than Bachelor Bands usually do (circa Juan Pablo and Clair’s date)

Group Date: Soccer Time
Amanda, Hailey, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily

BRYAN: Dude, you know there’s gonna be some chubby girl that pops out and is like, “THIS DATE IS MY CHANCE.”
CAROLYN AND GRACE: ...not this show.

Clearly there isn’t enough drama this season, because they had to bring back the competitive date and obviously the Stripes are going to win, because we saw that footage of Olivia hollering at the girls from the hotel balcony, SPOILER ALERT.

Apparently Ben thinks that Twin Emily being the goalie is even greater than Lauren B’s dad mowing the grass. He is losing his MIND on the sidelines right now.

BRYAN: Dude, that goalie, though. She’s laying it all on the line for love. Hey Grace, put that in your blog...

Quick observation from the after-party: Ben wasn’t wearing sunscreen today.

This conversation between Olivia and Jami is NOT real, right now. It is so absolutely unreal. Does Olivia have the feet of Shrek? What about the rest of her? Calves? Cankles? This conversation is seriously how guys make fun of girls for talking and I just...
Believe me, I went to a girls' school. I've heard it all.

And don't get me wrong: I am DOWN to talk about any kind of personal deformity. I can pick apart ANYTHING with you all day long. My nail beds suck, too. But national television is NOT the place to talk about it. 

AMBER: I can just tell that this is different. Like, it’s emotions, and I know what I want, and like how you handle things.


DEVIN: They’re drunk like, 80% of the time on this show, right?


One on One Date: Jubilee

BEN: Hey Jubilee, I think our ride’s here…
CAROLYN: Why do they act SO surprised EVERY single time a helicopter shows up? Like they’ve never seen one before? Ugh. I just want a helicopter.
DEVIN: Stick with me, kid.

Ben and Jubilee go to some rando spa in California, and they're now sitting facing each other like they are legitimately father and daughter. So weird.

BEN: Jubilee is an interesting girl, I’m glad she’s on this date.
CAROLYN: She spits out caviar...
BRYAN: I’m pretty sure she puked on me and told me she hates helicopters…

This hot tub conversation between Jubilee and Ben is even worse than Lace talking to Ben on the balcony last week. She is going down in flames.

I love that for three straight weeks we’ve heard, “There’s a lot more to you than people see” from Jubilee and we thought it was about Ben… IT WAS JUBILEE TALKING ABOUT JUBILEE.

So, SO much general talk about Jubilee's past. And her... "bloodline?" I don't even really know what to say about that dinner conversation. Except for the fact that she didn't touch her steak. (Oh and that Netflix show with Kyle Chandler was GREAT)

GIVE HIM ANOTHER EMMY (this isn't even from Bloodline but whatever)

Update: due to online research, I have determined that Jubilee’s tattoo says, “The past is practice.” You're welcome.

Cocktail Party:

After Ben acknowledged how two pillars of his community back home passed away, and Olivia pulled him aside…. To talk about her toes. And cry about them. This girl is so certifiable and I am LOVING it. She's every producer's dream. OHHHH AMANDA IS GOING TO CRUSH THE CONSOLATION GAME, TONIGHT. I am TELLING you - the consolation game is HUGE, in this arena. Remember how JP was the one who came over to Ashley's house after Bentley left? (and she was THIS?)
Rest in peace, purple duvet cover...

Meanwhile, they’re playing audio of Jubilee saying that girls don’t really like her, as Jo Jo is walking away from her and we hear random audio of Becca saying “I’m gonna go get some lip gloss or something…”

Finally, all I wrote for the end was: "So… Amber just dug her own grave…"

Blah blah blah, Lace left.... (I'm mostly just bummed because she was on my fantasy team...) And YES, she QUOTED. HER OWN. TATTOO. That just happened. (I've now THRICE mentioned tattoos in this post, which is enough to meet my tatt discussion quota for at LEAST the next six months...

Roses went to:
Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, JoJo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

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