Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party....

This isn’t a commentary on the Golden Globes, but I feel like I should give a brief shout out to a gif-worthy night of television. I’ll give a quick top five:

Wait – before I begin, I need to acknowledge something: I am in the throes of a full-fledged obsession with Leo DiCaprio, right now. It’s like I’m catching up after missing the boat, post-Titanic. (See what I did, there?) I am so deeply obsessed with him right now it’s not even real. That being said, top five:

5) Taraji P. Henson passing out cookies, "COOKIES FOR EVERYONE TONIGHT."

4) The winner for Inside Out, “When I was in Middle School, my ONLY goal was to make it through the day NOT being seen… Clearly, something went TERRIBLY wrong…”

3) Let’s be honest about it: everything about Kate Winslett is VICTORY.

2) Jonah Hill, as “just a two year old bear from the Sierra Mountains and you took a chance on me, Alejandro…”

1) #GAGAFORLEO

YAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSS

This post is dedicated to the entire Sturdivant Family, really. My friend Abby Sturdivant reads this commentary and she somehow roped her older brother, Peter, into reading it, last week. My older brother doesn't even read it. But my older brother WAS in a cub scout troop with Abby's older brother, once upon a time. And you better BELIEVE Big Daddy was the Scout Leader. No clue why I couldn't stay at home with my Mom, but I somehow got dragged to the Cub Scout meetings on Monday nights when I was a kid. And I couldn't tell you how to tie any kind of  boy scout knot, but I did learn a lot about the American flag, and you can bet the farm that I had a siiiiick Pinewood Derby car. Anyway, Peter, I hope you're reading this and I hope you watched last night. I always enjoy seeing your parents at church when I go home. Hiyoooo did I just get creepy? INTO IT. 

We’re off to a great start to tonight's episode with: “Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history...” from one of the twins, and JoJo tells us that “if I had a list, Ben checks of every list.”

Uh huh.

Have I talked about orchid care on this commentary before? ‘Cause we’re seeing some wilted orchid blossoms in front of Ben's face right now, and I just want everyone to know that a) the Bachelor Production Assistant is letting me DOWN, and b) Orchid Care is an ART and it is NOT easy.

Group Date: Back to School... or something.

Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace

My dear friend Allison very astutely pointed out “Lace is absolutely “Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party,” from Saturday Night Live.

Nailed it. 

GRACE: I’m pretty sure Lace’s forehead is frozen.

JOHNNY: And I’m pretty sure it’s perfect.

Johnny loves Lace. Even though she is absolutely NOT on his fantasy team, he's a huge fan. And ever since we decided to do the fantasy teams, watching this show turned into Carolyn and Johnny are watching it, GLUED to the checklist, tallying up the points. The competition in the air is THICK. 

Chris Harrison’s sweater vest and glasses. I don’t want anything else on this date, I JUST want this.

Obviously the person that put together the volcano instructions on this date is the same person that put together the foam core fantasy players that were featured on the live after show last week. (S)he probably has a college degree.

But what absolutely NONE of these girls have right now is basketball skills. 

Don't challenge me to a game of Gotcha. I'm JUST saying. 

Mandi had a BIG advantage in the final race because of those long legs- pause, who is driving the Mustang around the track right now? Is that Ice Cube? Is it Chuey? Who is it? 

After the whole thing, Becca pulls Ben aside for some hoops. As we learned from Love Guru Matthew Hussey on "Ready for Love" (a TERRIBLY underrated and too-soon cancelled show) it is good to have a task to complete on a date, (ie: shooting some hoops) to ease tension. The Beckster has, in my opinion, now moved up from the status of "filing cabinet" to "a Knoll filing cabinet." If you don't know about Knoll Office Furniture, use The Google. 

I don't even want to ADDRESS Olivia's gaping wide mouth. I would not at ALL be surprised if she's trying to turn herself into a meme with that. Also worth noting: the difference between Olivia With Make-Up and Olivia WITHOUT Make-Up is cause for concern.

JOHNNY: Olivia is 23 going on 35. She looks BEAT.

Speaking of "beat:"

Ok, she doesn't look like this, but hot DAWG, I love this comparison... 

I love that Jubilee thinks Lace’s name is “Lacey.” I have ZERO tolerance for people who mix up names, but I'm not mad about this one. 

Also, apparently JoJo has never been in an airplane before, because (unless they smoked a bowl off camera just now) the roof of this building right now is the highest she’s ever been. #Amazing #Blessed #GroupDateRose #TwentyPoints

CAROLYN: I think Ben's been drinking.

JOHNNY: Yeah, for sure. He’s real sweaty. And grabby. His hands have been EVERYWHERE, tonight.

Update: we now know that Jubilee’s tattoo says “The Past…” the rest is still a mystery.

One On One Date: Caila (plus a shameless plug for "Ride Along 2." Where's A. Shue when you need her?)

Wonderful intro from Ben:“Ice Cube has done everything from acting… to rap.” Whatta guy. 

Additionally, one time Kevin Hart cooked fried chicken for a girl in a crock pot, and it was cool.

His words, not mine.

Very genuinely, we got a line of wisdom from Caila: “I was waiting for my heart to catch up with the rest of the story.” (About her whole Fated Airplane Romance Story) That was when they sat at dinner in downtown LA, after traipsing around hot tubs in what I can only assume is Van Nuyes... 

Sidenote: it’s crazy to me that they’re getting to know each other and date… without phones. It's brilliant, it's amazing, everyone should do it, but how crazy that we are now facing this as an ABNORMALITY.

Group Date: Love Lab

Emily, Shusahnna, Haley. Sam, Olivia, Amanda  

                     

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN WITH THIS LOVE LAB RIGHT NOW.

I’m not mad about the smell test. I am ALL ABOUT smell. Pity that Ben chose the word "sour" to describe Samantha. Double pity that all he could conjure up to redeem himself was "passionfruit." 

Olivia is unbearable. She is on my team, so I’m not mad..... but she’s unbearable. #GroupDateRose #TwentyPoints

This hoodie and blazer on Ben is WRETCHED. (It's wretched on ANYONE, but come ON, Bachelor stylists) 

Cocktail party:

Quick poll: does anyone else remember when the word “b*tch” was bleeped out? Anyone?

I CAN’T HANDLE LACE SPEAKING TO HIM ON THE BALCONY RIGHT NOW. WHAT IS SHE EVEN SAYING ABOUT HER CHILDHOOD AND RIDING THE BUS?! 

But srsly. 

Johnny aptly described it as, "That was just like watching ALL of the car parts fall out of the car and trying to get to the side of the road…" Thank HEAVEN that Lauren B came to the rescue. 

(Also random points to Ben for stepping out on the balcony and saying "Wow, it's beautiful up here," as though he HADN'T lived in that house and seen that balcony before. As if he HADN'T witnessed JJ and Clint sitting on that balcony talking about how much they loved turtles and each other.)

Roses went to:

Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, LB… but NOT LB, Jennifer, Emily, Jami, Lauren H, Shusanna, Haley, and Amber.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird,