Tuesday, June 30, 2015

A Cupcake on a Ledge...

You GUYS. This is seriously just the best show on television. There is absolutely nothing like it. No. THING. I hardly even take notes anymore because I'm just so sucked in. Can we get a special shout out to the editors this season? In the promos alone, they have lead us to believe that we would be facing a crisis bigger than Independence Day, and yet we’ve seen… basically nothing.

Ugh. This post is dedicated to the dissolution of Ben and Jen's marriage. My obsession with Bachelor Nation is rivaled by very few things, but Jennifer Garner is one of them. (So obviously: Hi Jen, if you need extra help with childcare, I'M TOTES HERE FOR YOU.)

Ok so Shawn is having a REALLY hard time, tonight. I’ve decided he is the Britt of this season. For whatever reason, he feels like he’s entitled to it ALL, and he doesn’t mind walking down EACH AND EVERY HALLWAY OF THAT HOTEL to get it.

Like the rest of us, Tanner is excited to watch Shawn unravel. He clearly has NO dog in this fight, and won’t mind watching everything go down. I hope Tanner is on Bachelor in Paradise. I’m not ready to say goodbye to him, yet. (I also SEVERELY hope Joe is on BIP, but who’s to say that Kentucky Joe won’t make it to the final two?)

So we’re following Shawn down the (many) hall(s) to watch him whine to Kaitlyn about how he doesn’t feel as special, because she gave Jared the group date rose. At this moment, I’d like to point out how Ali Fedotowsky addressed this in her blog post last week: Kaitlyn NOT giving Shawn the rose was a strategic move. Ali remarked that it looks like Shawn is pretty much a shoo-in, so there’s no need to give him a rose. She talked about how once you kind of know who your top few guys are, it becomes a game of making it “last” with the other guys until you can send them home. But much like Britt, Shawn just wanted to be number one, in front of everyone, regardless. (Hey, I get it. There were four different tasks that I completed for my boss today after which I said, “JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR: THERE’S AN ASSISTANT EDITOR DOWNSTAIRS WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH “LEE” AND ENDS WITH “VI,” WHO WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PULL THIS OFF, I'M YOUR FAVORITE.” Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers...) 

Where was I? Oh yes, Shawn whining. The first of SEVERAL whining bouts, I might add. Blah blah. he wants to be number one and doesn't realize that this is a show. There's always one...

Two on One: JJ and Kentucky Joe

This date was fairly tame compared to some two-on-ones we've seen in the past (ie: getting left on an aircraft carrier, a glacier, a hottug, the Badlands, etc...) and one thing's for sure: Kaitlyn couldn't give two rats’ behinds about this date. She's too concerned with whether or not Shawn is gonna spill that she told him he was number one, and whether or not Nick will spill about their nocturnal misadventures. Can we just take a moment to acknowledge how many times she's told us "I don't regret what happened with Nick..." but given all of the declarations that immediately follow this sentiment, I now believe that what she's truly getting at is "I won't regret what happened with Nick.. as long as none of the other guys find out..."

But whatever. She's preoccupied with Nick and Shawn and doesn't care about either guy on this date.

Carolyn: Her skin looks so good, geez.
Johnny: I mean, she has a YEAR’S worth of make up on.
Carolyn: That’s right. We did see her apply it.

The blush on my face? I BRUSHED IT. 

Just a few observations:

- JJ tells Kaitlyn that he’s falling for her... and then asks Joe to raise a glass to that.

Raise 'em up. 

- Oh Joe... Ne'er before has “turning point” been synonymous to “icing on the cake,” in the same sentence. Those are two completely contradictory idioms, but I can’t even hold it against him. His proclamation was so sweet… then turned so sour SO fast. We did NOT need to see your tongue just now, Joe.

Grace: She’s gonna keep Joe around, ‘cause he’s easier to say goodbye to later.
Johnny: And he doesn’t have a kid… Or a former investment banking career...
Carolyn: (seeing the rose) Wait, this is the end of the date?
Johnny: Get cold on a mountain. And drink whiskey. Just look at that boat. This is a garbage date.

I applaud JJ for telling her about his infidelity. That was a bold move that he was clearly put up to by the producers and he probably has raging regret about it that treads even deeper than Kaitlyn's regret will, if the guys find out about Nick, but it was an Integrity Move, nonetheless...

Meanwhile, back on the farm...


The editors did an EXCEPTIONAL job of building up Shawn’s “confession,” (this is Whining Bout II, for those who want to update their score cards at home) which really just turned into him whining “but you said I was the oneeeee in San Antonioooo,” after which she basically proceeded to get upset with him. Obviously she thought he was going to confront her about Nick, and instead of turning to compassion in her relief, she just became impatient.

There was zero point to Whining Bout II. Props to the producers for making her believe that Shawn somehow knew about Nick. There is some MASTER manipulation going on behind the scenes right now and I'm totally ok with it. Let the emotional wreckage abound!

Rose Ceremony:

Ok so Ben H. just took her through a secret bookcase.

So obsessed with Ben H. 

The producers totally fed Ben H. the line and a half about how something happened between Kaitlyn and Shawn, then egged him on to confront Kaitlyn about it, but the way that he handled it was REMARKABLE. I'm still not even quite sure what Kaitlyn's reply was, because it was so jumbled and nonsensical. Anyone remember when Britt confronted Chris about how he endorsed Kaitlyn's nudity on the desert date and he said straight up JARGON in reply? (Kimmel had GREAT coverage of that one, HERE) The point is: Ben H. is a class act and I'm ALL about him.

LRPG came to a unanimous decision: This show has exponentially more twisted drama than all the seasons of Revenge combined, and we are LOVING it. The manipulation that is happening behind the scenes to keep everyone so clearly questioning and on edge is AMAZING.

Sidenote: whenever I'm feeling depressed about life, I just remember that we still have the Men Tell All for this season. What's going to happen with JJ and Clint? Will the audience boo Ian when he gets introduced? I feel like Nick is going to be in the final two, but if he's at the MTA - is anyone going to call him out on the fact that we just saw him tell Kaitlyn that he DIDN'T tell the guys that they "were intimate" AND IF SO, is he or is he not going to fire back with "I said the date was intimate, I didn't say we were intimate..."

Eh, we all knew Tanner was going home, but couldn’t decide if Cupcake or Ben Z would be axed… Carolyn and I remarked that we still hadn't seen the footage Cupcake bawling on the grass somewhere, yet - clearly he wasn't going home. Johnny countered that in the shots of him bawling, he was wearing clothing similar to the clothes he had on now, so maybe it was right after the rose ceremony, but Carolyn and I both pointed out that it was daylight in the bawling shot, not night time... The title of "Most Obsessive" is an ABSOLUTE tossup, in this living room, but when Kaitlyn called Cupcake’s name, Johnny hollered


I hope Tanner is on Bachelor in Paradise. I think I like Ben Z so much that I hope he is NOT...

Moving onto... Killarney 

On her hotel room:
Kaitlyn: The queen has been there, it’s haunted…
Carolyn: I wouldn’t sleep. (We see the room) OHHHH I WOULDN’T SLEEP.
Grace: I would sleep SO WELL.
Carolyn: Oh I can feel the ghosts from here.
Grace: And there’s no drought in Ireland I would use the HEAVEN AND EARTH out of that bath tub!

Just a quick note for everyone: Killarney is what Cupcake's soul looks like. So apparently if you went up to him and asked him what his soul looked like (I'd say mine is like a half-baked chocolate chip cookie from Subway) he'd say "Oh that would be Killarney, Ireland. That's what my soul looks like. Have you had any cavities lately?"

We all knew Cupcake was getting the boot on this date from the get-go. There was just no way around it. I'd like to give a secial shout out to his very articulate: "It feels as bad as it looks," almost as articulate as Lindsay Yenter's "Well I'm going to go now... Cause this is my nightmare..." when Sean Lowe dumped her...

And then we get footage of Cupcake getting talked off a ledge.

Real talk: I think the whole thing was staged. I honestly don't even believe Cupcake's tears. Or "believe his crying," rather. Because we didn't even see any tears. And that guy has been full of one-liners all season, why wouldn't he go out with a bang and get extra air time?

20 days til the Men Tell All.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

He's Just Tired of Talking About Bowel Movements...

Quick update: last week it was "Stop everything and go watch Lifetime's UnReal."

It's obviously still very much that, but it's also STOP EVERYTHING AND GO LISTEN TO KACEY MUSGRAVES' NEW ALBUM.

Sorry I'm not sorry that I'm late to the party with you...
Ahem, we will now resume the regularly scheduled broadcast: 

First things first: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE MEN TELL ALL. Ian, Joshua, that dude McDill from the first night... I'm so excited for it all.

Ian is probably going to field a lot of flak for his comments about how he should be the next Bachelor. And sure, the way he said his piece to Kaitlyn was lamentable. Especially given all that education - I don't care if I'm the only woman in America, but a guy with a good education is kind of the number two way to my heart. (Obviously number one is Jesus, duh.) But I have a really hard time believing that Ian is truly campaigning to be the next Bachelor. At least not like THIS guy was: 

Never gets old... 

I think Ian was fed the “next Bachelor” question by the producers, (you guys, seriously: start watching UnReal on Lifetime. It's everything I didn't know I never needed to know about reality dating shows) and sure, I’d think I’d make a great Bachelor if I were Ian… BUT IAN HASN’T MET THE EDITORS OF THIS SHOW.

Speaking of editing: the silence of Ian’s exit is HUGE. No dramatic music, just SILENCE...

Oh, and JJ's socks. Silence and socks. 

And who should swoop in for the kill, post-Ian? To console the rage of our Bachelorette? 


Lemme tell you something right now. If I say “I’M ANGRY,” and a guy responds with a “lay it on me” gesture…

We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on... WE GO HOME HAPPY.

Mega points to Nick for moving in after Ian’s departure… Remember how JP was the one that Ashley had the date with after Bentley left? Or how Melissa was the one who Jason took to his house to meet his son, cancelling the date in Seattle? (well… that line works a little better if he’d actually ended up with Melissa, instead of proposing to her and then going back on it, but you get the picture - CONSOLATION TAKES YOU FAR.)

Blah blah blah, Hare is supa stoked that they're in his home state, but we don't have time to take "Hare's Bus Tour of Texas," so we get to the rose ceremony... Which happens to be AT the Alamo, no biggie... Buh BYE to Joshua and Justin. I have zero doubt that Joshua will have NO trouble finding love back in Idaho.

Just out of curiosity, did Kaitlyn NOT know they were going to Ireland? Welp, Josh definitely didn't. But he certainly does now, as he hears them all cheering...

Womp wooooomp
For all of our friends at home, you'll be glad to know: critically acclaimed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny Langan finally joined us last night. Carolyn and I were finishing off our usual Monday Night Pasta Bowl when he came in and said "I haven't watched the past three episodes but I listened to a podcast on my way here, so I'm basically all caught up... "

...Johnny knows the #2 way to my heart. #Podcasts4Dayz #Edukasyhun

He continued. "I think Shawn is going to win. I think he looks like Ryan Gosling got stung by a bunch of bees, but I think he is going to win. And then there's Jared… Jared looks like such a creep. He looks like a waiter that would bang a patron in the bathroom."

His words, not mine. 

One on One Date: Nick

Let's start with Kaitlyn's salutation: “I wore a holy sweater for you so you could touch my back.”

This is how I feel about that:

Kids today...
Nick on Kaitlyn’s fear of birds: “Apparently we may never be able to go to a park again, but it was nice to comfort her…”

Grace on Kaitlyn's fear of birds:

"Fear of birds" 

The two of them have zero trouble NOT keeping their hands off of each other, and then they run into Riverdance, right in the streets of Dublin... Nick cannot dance to save his life, but he is SO committed and I am NOT upset about it.

Ok these Claddagh rings... I get that it's Dublin, but... I can’t help but think that he is a sixteen year old girl with that ring on his finger.

Johnny: Nick is the worst. He is the WORST guy in the locker room. He did not have sex until he was twenty five.

Grace: And apparently he hasn’t stopped…

Johnny: …trying. He hasn’t stopped TRYING. He is Josh Groban in a microwave. I have had a year to build contempt for this guy. (Upon seeing them walk into the church later that night) What is he even wearing? He looks horrible. HE IS HORRIBLE.

Grace: We KNOW you hate him… (looking at the screen) Ok but at least tuck in your shirt, Nick.

Johnny: I wish she would sleep with the dentist. He just seems like such a nice guy.

Carolyn: And he's had SO many one-liners...

When we heard Shawn and Jared's conversation (as Nick and Kaitlyn were getting hot and heavy) we hear Shawn say, "I've never had a conversation with Nick…" To which Johnny raised the question: "What? He hates him and he’s never spoken to him?"

At this point, the peanut gallery was SO loud that I threw in the towel and turned on closed captions. Johnny hates closed captions. I think they're terribly underrated. However, this was a horrible time to turn them on, because I can't tell you how many times we saw "Kaitlyn moans" written on the bottom of the screen. I'm not even joking. "Exhales sharply" was another gem. Which came first: closed captions or 50 Shades?

And then... the next morning... even though a lawyer could probably argue that he didn't. we all saw Nick kiss and tell. Ohhhhhh Nick just lost so many points. It's one thing to confront Andi about it, sure. But to SPEAK TO THE OTHER GUYS ABOUT HIS TIME WITH KAITLYN... Nick has now moved from exceedingly high points to the negative point range, with me...

Group Date: Necrophilia
Tanner, Ben Z, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, Chris

Oh yeah - JJ and Kentucky Joe got the two on one. So stoked for that.

I’m pretty sure they are playing “My Heart Will Go On” on the bagpipes right now, as they all stand around Kaitlyn lying in a casket, getting ready to "raise a toast to her life."

BIG shoutout to Tanner, and his rhyme scheme: "How I’m still here, nobody knows. Hell, I’m even surprised that I got a rose…” Tanner is really cute. He is going to get the ax any minute now, but America is severely enjoying him, in the meantime...

Ben Z… what a conundrum… Kaitlyn couldn’t take him on the two-on-one, and he wasn’t gonna get the one-on-one, so much like Emily getting stuck on that group date with Brad at the racetrack, he was forced to face painful times on a date that was kind of entirely inappropriate for him...

Remember THIS??

Still not quite sure what Kentucky Joe was talking about earlier in the day when he said that Shawn got some extra time with Kaitlyn, except that later we heard that she spent seven hours in his room with him, telling him he was the one... 

Uh huh. 

Carolyn and I are very, very concerned about what will happen when Shawn sees this episode. We hear him telling a producer that Kaitlyn told him he was the one. and on top of ALL of that, the man went to a Dublin CVS to get family pictures printed. All of America hit the brakes when we heard him refer to "there's my boy," in a picture, before seeing that it was his... dog.

It seems like there's really no telling where they're going next week.. (I mean in terms of story line, not in terms of geography) Is she going to admit her sharp-exhales-behind-closed-doors to the men? Why do we see Cupcake BAWLING? (Johnny really wants to know)

And finally, upon seeing Britt appear on the screen, Johnny yelled "She’s still here? Get that girl OFF of TV!"

That will be all, Martin. 

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The Guys Are Super Cool... TO MY FACE.

You GUYS. Stop everything. Just stop right now. Seriously, stop reading this.
STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND GO DIRECTLY TO THE NEAREST LIFETIME.COM AND WATCH "UnReal." It's my new favorite thing. It was created by a woman that was a producer on The Bachelor for three years. and we see characters in front of, as well as BEHIND the camera, on this show (it's a scripted drama) It is genius and I am SO obsessed. (When I say "obsessed," I mean: our internet speed is too slow, and we don't have cable, so I watched all four episodes on my PHONE. Subsequently followed by a check in the mail to Big Daddy, because I used HALF of our data plan to watch it, and will have to pay for the extra few gigs... #WorthIt)

Oh - y'all know I don't do things like this, but... vote for my friend Amanda and her husband Josh to get this grant for their amazing business. It doesn't do anything annoying like post on your wall that you've voted, so there's no reason NOT to. Josh and Amanda got me onto doTERRA BEFORE IT WAS COOL. Like, you can't even roll your eyes at me, because I've been using doTERRA since before you were born... 

Cocktail party: 

Opening Observation: at any point, JJ could’ve chosen to run his mouth and made a spectacle of himself to Nick, and he chose not to. I’ll give him points for that. Also... His bright pink socks… I just can’t hate them. Can't hate him as he's running the bases with Kaitlyn, either. Glad she covered her ladyship as he set her down on the field. #SorryInterns. Unless the editors were altering EVERYTHING, it would seem that JJ quickly re-learned how NOT to run his mouth in this episode, and it is thus we see that he is, in fact, perhaps a rehabilitated backpack toucher

I mean, as it is you guys already know how much I love Nick, but regardless of that: SHUT UP ABOUT HIM, ALREADY, SHAWN AND JOSH. Those two need to NOT, right now.

 *Southern accent* "How much do you make at your job?"

I'm sure the editors are pulling EVERY SINGLE SOUNDBITE of those two ranting, but all they're doing is running themselves into the ground and self-destructing. They're both spiraling towards they're own demise. Shawn definitely has the biggest problem with Nick. He has, at no point, looked UN-READY to toss his cookies, throughout this entire cocktail party. 

Give it up, boys.

Please let us note that at one point, Love Virgin Welder Josh referred to the roses as “these old girls” and I don’t know how to feel about it. But I will give props to the intern who put the roses on top of the basket of baseballs for the ceremony. He probably reached for the closest thing to him, in order to try and get out of the cold...

Grace: These guys are SO cold it’s not even real.

Carolyn: Why are they even doing the rose ceremony here?

Grace: Because they can. 

And it TOTALLY sucks for the guys who stood out in the cold for SO long and didn’t get a rose. We said goodbye to Ryan (who was attractive, but forgettable) Jonathan (see parenthetical description of Ryan) and Corey (the one who reminded me of  #Kasey. Told you he wouldn't be around for long...)

After a BRUTALLY cold rose ceremony, Kaitlyn consoles the guys with, “we’re going somewhere warm." Am I the only one who was picturing something along the lines of... St. Thomas, perhaps? Maybe Antigua? What exotic locale could they possibly be headed to next? It's somewhere Kaitlyn has always wanted to go...

...San Antonio. 

...so we're NOT going to Caneel Bay... 

Real talk: nothing about Texas will ever be old. Office Levi is from Texas. I ask him pretty much every day “Dude, did you watch Texas Rising, yet?"
Levi: No.
Grace: Isn't your Dad in it?
Levi: No. And it wasn't-
Grace: wasn't it shot in your-
Levi: it was NOT shot in my backyard, Grace. My family doesn't own any horses. They aren't cowboys. 

I usually hum "All My Exes Live in Texas" as I'm walking away...

One on One Date: Ben H. 
Oldest Dance Hall in Texas

Ugh. This is seriously ALL there is to say about Ben H:
Or babysit me. I don't even care. 

But in terms of that dance hall...Whoever this old lady is, I WANT MORE OF HER. It took her nineteen minutes to give the camera wink and I was totally ok with it. Honestly I’m mostly bummed that Kentucky Joe isn’t on this date. I’d like to see Joe dance with the two-steppin’ old lady. That’s what I want. 

After they get inevitably kicked out of the dance competition, and we later watch Kaitlyn and Ben at dinner, for some reason I can’t help but hark back to that time that Dez and Brooks had that STOOPIT conversation where she led him through a running metaphor? She said something like, “If this is a race… a race to love… Where do you feel like you are? Like, walking, running, or sprinting?”

Brooks: I’d say I’m walking.

Dez: Really? Cause I’d say I’m sprinting. 

Whatta dish. Whatta doll. 

Group Date: Mariachi Time

Justin, Jeremy, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Joshua, Nick

The fact that this 12 year old mariachi singer is taking the reins on everything is CRITICAL. He sings his pants off to Kaitlyn. He guides the guys through their work just like Amy Shumer did - THIS KID IS A 12 YEAR OLD AMY SHUMER. 

It's also worth mentioning that at least Nick has had an attitude adjustment since his last group date. (Anybody remember how Cody had his money on his mime and his mime on his money, on Andi's date? And Nick was the sourest of sour Patch Kids?)

Whether or not Ian is actually a singer is yet to be determined. Cause he sure talks a legit game and then he... well, as he puts it: chokes

And even though I'm never a fan of vulgarity, I'm willing to lay off a little bit for the sake of a completed rhyme. So Nick didn't need to go there. but this is kind of how I feel about his rhyme scheme: 

Whoaaaaaa now Love Virgin Welder Josh is pulling out this haircut thing... 

First of all:

Secondly, you KNOW the producers fed him that line, as well as the bucket and the clippers. 


I honestly don't even know what to say about that haircut. I mean, even the premise of the haircut. Why not just tell her that you trust her? But then when we get to reflecting on the actual haircut itself, where to even begin? Just buzz it off, poor guy... STOKED to see Josh at the Men Tell All. I think she kept him around for WAY too long, but I'm not event hat mad. Ohhhh also super stoked to watch JJ and Clint face off at the Men Tell All... Will the backpack toucher rise again?? 

Moving on, quick question: So is Nick going to just… kiss his way to the final rose ceremony? We've seen him say about four words to her, per every time he's MAULED her lips with his. I'm all about a good Lip Maul when the time is right, but they need to like, learn each other's names at this point... 

I'd like to note that Nick handled Joshua’s line of fire very well… Obviously Josh expected him to take offense at his lack of trust in him, but Nick simply replied "You don't have to." 


Ok Josh is obviously is lying to Kailtyn right now. He’s over exaggerating. He didn’t think she would confront the guys so immediately. But she did, which is why I was in the fetal position for so much of that confrontation scene. Josh IS the messenger sunglasses that will "self-destruct in five seconds." once Tom Cruise throws them off the cliff. He is sliding down this slope so quickly and there is NO recovery in sight...

One on One Date: Shawn

I do appreciate the way that Shawn VERY briefly stood up for Josh on this date. It was quick, but it was... manly. He didn't need to speak exhaustively about it. but he wanted to mention it.

Get it. Shawn.

I'm also very curious to know how Shawn smells. Oh, did I just get creepy? And may I ask the question on everyone's mind: what IS it with the car crash survivors on this season? Sheesh.

After post-kayaking dinner, Katilyn tells Shawn, "I have a surprise for you…"

Grace: Private concert!

Carolyn: Fireworks!


....Carolyn wins the prize.

And finally, it's interesting to note that Ian spoke about his dissatisfaction with the show. Wonder how that got set up. Quick recap of Ian's sentiments: 'I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton grad, former model, death defying guy who has traveled the world several times...”

And just like that, Ian is off, right out of the gate, hurdling towards a finish line that says "DEMISE."

Can't wait to see how it's handled next week. Or at the Men Tell All.

Y'all, I am SO stoked for the Men Tell All... 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


First things first: let's discuss Clint and JJ. Because I have a theory.

But in order to set the scene, we need to go back to elementary school.

Clint was one of the cool kids. Not to mention probably a fast runner. He definitely came in first when everybody had to run the mile in PE and I bet the ladies thought he was pretty smooth news (SHOUT OUT TO SAWYER MOORE AND DEAN MYERS.)

JJ on the other hand... JJ was most likely what I like to call a Backpack Toucher, in elementary school. Do you remember that kid who would walk down the hall and for WHATEVER REASON would somehow be touching every single backpack as he went by? He was almost kind of leaning against the wall as he dragged his hand down the line? The backpack toucher was the odd duck. Probably also the guy that made your Mom and Dad always say "You just wait till he grows up. I bet he will blossom into a VERY handsome young man and all the girls will want to date him." (Spoiler alert: it NEVER turned out that way for ANY of them)

The backpack touchers were, however, usually pretty smart cookies. You wanted them on your team for the Geography Bee. What they were lacking in charm, they made up with intellect. And they had their little clatch of lunch table friends. So while the Clints of the world had all the attention from the ladies, the JJs of the world had a steady group of meaningful friends. (And just in case you're wondering: neither stereotype has BOTH of those things. It's just a biological impossibility.)

Here's my point: JJ probably never got anything but merciless teasing from the Clints of the world school and Clint probably never got anything but an intellectual inferiority complex from the JJs of the world school. Clint had never had a good friend with whom he could have conversations about how awesome turtles are (is it just me, or were they talking about turtles at one point in the hot tub last week?) and JJ never had the approval of a guy like Clint. So they were not only friends, but they were friends like the other one had never had before, and I think that's why they were so obsessed with each other.

I've no doubt that their romance was a ruse on the part of the producers, but I DO believe that they truly were good friends.

And then in the heat of the moment (when Kaitlyn asked the guys if they had anything to say to Clint before she sent him away in the Honda Element) good ole JJ turned RIGHT back into a Backpack Toucher, and obviously threw his new BFF under the bus. Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad move, but old habits die hard: the socially awkward Backpack Toucher JJ comes out real quick when times get tough.

He very quickly retracted his statement (in the Living Room Peanut Gallery. we first thought that JJ said "I think you should say sorry" to Kaitlyn, which was a shock) and scrambled to make up for it, but Clint wouldn't have it. JJ realized he (quite literally) had just lost the best friend he'd ever had, and was grief-stricken, to put it mildly.

Cocktail party: 

After Kaitlyn had enough fodder from the guys, she pulled Clint aside and called him out for being two-faced. For whatever reason, he then went into a discussion of JJ: “We are best best best best best friends. Very very very very close.”

So glad we got all those qualifiers. I wasn't sure about it all before. 

Kaitlyn got him back on track: “This has nothing to do with JJ.” She continued to tell him that she didn't trust him. Boy had some SMOOTH lines to try and win her over: “I’d love to know what's in the way so I can overcome it. If you don’t want to tell me, it’s fine, but I really wanna know so I can keep working on myself."

Nice one, Clint. 

Blah blah... She sent him home with a very direct "I don't trust you." then JJ COMPLETELY threw him under the bus, Clint went home, JJ cried, slapped himself. we live, we laugh, we learn. No rose ceremony. Rebel Kaitlyn is breaking the rules by keeping ALL the guys this week. One of the poor interns had to scramble to book a couple more plane tickets... 

Ohhhh and even Chris Harrison then breaks the rules when he tells the men that he's not even going to wait until the next morning to tell them to pack their bags for New York.

Quick reminder: Farmer Chris had never been to New York before (or was it Chicago?) on Andi's season. I wonder if any of these men have never ventured to the big city...

Group Date: Rap Battles

Jonathan, Justin, Ben, Ryan, Tanner JJ, Shawn

Sure: the producers probably dreamed of Wiz Khalifa, K'naan, or Busta Rhymes for this rap battle, (Wait, sorry. I don't want to mislead anyone: I have absolutely NO idea who K'naan is, I just know that he did a song with Adam Levine that was a GREAT workout song when I was in college) but alas... The best that the interns could come up with was... Doug E. Fresh.

(It was either that or LL Cool J, but he was filming NCIS: LA)

Mr. Fresh was clearly as loaded as Big Kenny was when he made Jade run down an abandoned street in South Dakota yelling, "FEEL THE FREEDOM, THIS IS DEADWOOD!" but he delivered what was by far and away the best line of the entire episode: “We’re not haters, but gladiators.”

...Russel Crowe was so far ahead of his time.

It was Ben Z vs Tanner, Jonathan vs Ryan, JJ vs Corey, and Justin Vs Shawn. Only two noteworthy quotes: the time that "Florida" was rhymed with "bored 'uh ya," and “I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with two guys in khaki pants." The only reason ANY of Kaitlyn's canned rap lines were ok is because they showed her bursting out in laughter after each one. #SelfAware #Kasey #NeverForget

Aaaaand just like that, Nick is in the game. At first I thought he was sitting with Sharleen – MY FAVE, until I realized it was… Kardashley. LRPG member Carolyn observed: “they could’ve had had a better reveal for Nick..." Kaitlyn and Nick met, shook hands, hugged, and made out right off the bat, basically. Apparently this is as dramatic for Kaitlyn as every season of The Bachelor is for Chris Harrison, because she is flipping. out. She and the guys head to a local... boat, and she hashes it out with them. Shawn B raises an interesting question:

Shawn B: Are you looking for more? Or are you confident in what you have here?

Kaitlyn: No, I’m confident. Definitely. I’m confident.

Corey: That didn’t sound very confident…

Corey reminds me of #Kasey. The Santa Anas won't ruin his date, but he definitely isn't sticking around for much longer...

A not-so-confident Kaitlyn disembarks and meets up with Nick, who may or may not have developed hypothermia while waiting on her, using up all his quarters in the tourist telescope. They say maybe five sentences to each other, which brings their grand total to about ten, and he goes in for the kill.

Nick, on kissing Kaitlyn: “That wasn’t… not unfun.”

Double negatives or not, I still don't hate the guy.

Kaitlyn takes the easy way out by insisting that they both need to sleep on it, then gets back on the boat. And this boat is ROCKING. (literally… It’s figuratively rocking, too, but I mean literally I'm getting seasick just watching.)

She gave Justin the group rose because, let's be honest: he was the only one who wasn't openly filled with rage and fury at the thought of Nick joining them. Shawn B looked like he was ready to throw up about it. The longer the discussion and the night went on, the more footage we DIDN'T see of Shawn where he looked like he was capable of NOT throwing up. I'd say he was seasick, but this look continued pretty consistently through every subsequent conversation about Nick.


I do need to take a moment for scolding the producers on the timing set-up, here. We heard Kaitlyn call Nick and tell him she was getting her hair done around 6, so he should meet her... she muttered "see you at three" before getting off the phone, which didn't come back to the LRPG until after we'd spent a good sixty seconds thinking that Ashley had curled and pinned Kaitlyn's hair only to... put it in a messy braid. So obviously she saw Nick THEN Ashley, but it aired in reverse order.

Pomegranates or no, Ashley VERY quickly gets to the point, and we love her for that. When Kaitlyn tells her she had a blazing connection with Nick that was unlike anything she'd ever felt before, Ashley immediately asserted “Well that’s lust.”


Quick note: this is by far and away the longest a bachelor or bachelorette has taken to deliberate about a "put-in" contestant. Kacie B lasted what, two episodes on Sean's season? Shawntel lasted about fifteen minutes on Ben's season, and Crazy-Eyed Chris didn't even get through the door to see Andi... Am I missing anyone? Why is this the most dramatic and crazy thing that has EVER happened to Kaitlyn?

To Nick or not to Nick? THE AGONYYYY
I have so very little to say about Jared's date at the Met... Although I have to admit that if it were my first time at the Met, I'd be as un-present as Kaitlyn is. Except my focus would be occupied with Cycladic Harp Players, not "How many feelings will I hurt if I let one dude join a bunch of dudes?" I didn't hate Jared's poem. And I guess the Met doesn't allow concerts of any kind because I was SURE we were going to catch sight of Josh Ratchet, but alas I had to settle for a helicopter ride... (Although aren't we talking about some MEGA breaches of air space, here? Since when can you 'copter that close to Lady Liberty?) 

Group Date: Soaring, tumbling, free-wheeling...

...through and endless diamond sky... 

Just a quick sidenote about the fact that Kaitlyn said she was a "huge" fan of the movie Aladdin: remember that guy Levi that I work with? The one whom I'm always shoving out of the way, in order to present myself as the favorite? There are two photos that I send him on a weekly basis. I used an app in my phone to create them one day because they so specifically capture my tone so much of the time.

This is the first:

I made this second one a while back when I needed him to do me a favor: 

I was SO sure that he wouldn't be able to name that movie that I followed the picture (and my request) with "If you can name the movie that the creepy old man is in, I will have no choice but to marry you."

His response "It's Jafar. Aladdin was my jam back in the day..." 

(I haven't broken the news to Big Daddy, yet)

ANYWAY. Ian, Cupcake, Joe, Joshua, and Ben go to compete for Kaitlyn's heart Broadway.

Let me be clear: there is NOTHING better than Joe on Broadway. Carolyn and I rewound the part where he jumped out of the trap door no less than sixteen times, because of that huge grin on his face- it never got old. 

Assistant Director: “Only one of you will be in the show with Kaitlyn. The rest of you will be going home. I know, it’s harsh. It’s Broadway."

Joe: "We don’t have theatres in Kentucky, are you serious?”

*cue the clip of him jumping out of the trap door... again.

(I won't.) 

Blah blah, Cupcake wins, they give him eyeliner on his lower lids and it looks weird. As they are led through the bowels of Broadway, we learn that one of the dudes in costume backstage signed a release, ready to make his TV debut but the two crew guys clearly did NOT, and their faces are blurred..

Cupcake: Aladdin is a story about a street rat that pursues a princess. I can relate to that. I always puruse the princess.”
Carolyn: Are you... a street rat?

Cupcake somehow thinks that on New Year's Eve, the ball drops from the "center of the universe," which MUST be Times Square... And sure, it's cool that they got to go up there. I'm sure the intern whose Dad owns that building got a lot more points for this find than the intern that secured Doug E. Fresh, but obviously no one bothered to mention to Cupcake that this was not, in fact, the center of the universe... 

Another Cliff Hanger Episode... 
seriously what is UP with that?!
Kaitlyn told the guys that Nick would be moving in. Once more, Shawn looked like he was going to toss his cookies at ANY moment. I loved the welder-love-virgin's speech, followed by a numerical correction from Ian.

Also other things that I am loving: the thought that the producers have to travel with the wicker folding partition and the CB2 candles and fake flora that are in the background of all of these interviews… Do they argue about who checks it as their luggage, or do they make the interns schlep it around? How many seasons can a wicker partition make it through?

And speaking of interns, there is NO way that this music was actually playing in that elevator ride for Nick. You KNOW one of the interns was tasked with finding the worst possible elevator music and he furiously scoured jinglepunks until he came up with what we heard as the soundtrack to that Doorman's Life.

And finally: am I wrong in my strategy to take the doorman as a hostage and make HIM enter the hotel room first, to take any darts or arrows?  No? I'm alone in that one?


Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Heart of a Child, Eyes of a Gypsy and Soul of a Warrior... Something like that.

First things first: What's up with the way they've been ending these episodes? Is it because they have too much footage, and don't have time to squeeze in a rose ceremony? Or because they fear that the end would be too boring and they have to do a cliff hanger to hook us for the next week?

So we pick up where we left off last week, with Kupah creating a one-man nightmare outside, after being "let go" by Kaitlyn. All I have to say about this guy is that I can’t help but feel like the name “Kupah” is a southern pronunciation of “Cooper.”


Whilst watching the whole thing unfold in between Kaitlyn's interviews, the following exchange took place between the Living Room Peanut Gallery:

Grace: She needs to get her hair under control. Is it straight or is it curly? Get it under control.
Carolyn: She needs to get her EMOTIONS under control.
Devin: She’s a woman. Just let her happen.
Grace: Did you just say “She’s a woman, just let her happen?” That's beautiful.
Devin: No, I said “she’s a woman, it’ll never happen…”
(Devin couldn't go home. It was his house) 

Please let us now stand and salute the FIRST time we hear the GOLD that is (apparently) Tony's Life Motto: “ I see the world through the eyes of a child, I have the heart of a warrior and I have a gypsy soul.”

My guess is that he said that he said this line for the first time to Kaitlyn when he was hyped up about how much he DIDN'T want to be aggressive (right after he'd, you know, brutally lost to the sumo wrestler when he tried to take him a second time). And this line was SO incredible that the producers got him to say it again in an interview, but what America saw was the reverse order...

Anyway, we witnessed him saying the greatest line of all time in an interview right around the same time The Nashville Fashion Designer and some guy named Corey (who has a kid... that's all I know about him) got sent home...

Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn

- So glad the sumo wrestlers biked to the mansion. I bet they take short showers, too.

- That bald one is straight out of Mulan and I am LOVING it

Tell me I'm wrong... 

- Seeing the men awoken by the sound of the gong and the yelling, it occurs to me: men are RIDICULOUSLY better-looking first thing in the morning than women. It's practically unfair.

- Ok there is obviously discussion of his behavior below, but in the meantime:  as unfortunate as Tony’s social skills are, his body is NOT unfortunate. COME ON, YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

- I am loving Kentucky Joe on this date. I'm pretty sure his entire life can be summarized by Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up," (sorry, Katie) but I don't even care. The man has moves and he's not afraid to use them, even when he's in a sumo diaper. Well I'll be.

- As he made his tearful exit and climbed into the getaway car (only to schlep all the way to Westlake Village to bid adieu to Kaitlyn) I'm glad that Tony at least had a handle of alcohol stashed away in that hoodie pocket...

- In regards to the game that Clint was attempting to play, post sumo wrestling: Spoiler alert, men of America: “hanging back” and “letting her come to you” are NOT ways to win her over. 

Questions I Have:

- WHAT DID THE NOTE TO TONY SAY?!?! Did anyone else see that note on his bed? Will this ever be resolved? 

- Um, who is hosting the sumo competition at CityWalk right now and why is it not Chris Harrison?!?

Memorable Quotes:
- Can we talk about Hare's description of the bald sumo wrestler? “Heaviest Japanese man EVER." For all of the hours I spend in a day trying to construct TACTFUL terminology in the emails that I send, Hare didn't even bother with tact and just got straight to the point on that one...

- Not even sure who it was, but I wrote down that some guy said "When they hit the mat to face each other, you could just HEAR the power of man meat running into each other.”

Man meat. Raise 'em up. 

- Worth noting that we hear Tony's "heart of a warrior, eyes of a child and spirit of a gypsy" line for a SECOND time, when he's angrily ranting about world peace outside the front door. (Yes, you're supposed to be just as confused by that sentence as I am.)

- And now let us take time to recall Tony's rooftop reflections. The one that was after JJ had tried to fuel his fire, after Ian dragged him upstairs, and AFTER we got a graphic shot of Kaitlyn's derriere, en route to the rooftop. “I have a lot to offer” he declared, followed by a spit behind his left shoulder. That's right. The man made his declaration and then SPAT.  (This must be a warrior move) And then the pec flex. THE PEC FLEX. The man suffered what appeared to be an involuntary (or was it voluntary?) spasm of his left pectoral major. Must be a gypsy move. Update: according to the sumo wrestler that challenged Kaitlyn: the pec flex appears to be a Japanese thing.

- Sometime during the rooftop rant, we hear Tony whine, “Why can’t we go to the zoo, and see who can do the best animal impression?”

...is it just me, or were they basically doing animal impressions when they were fighting like dogs (pigs... hogs... hyenas... YOU NAME IT)

One On One: Ben Z.

So they had to do some kind of haunted house panic room. 

I'm sure the whole thing was JUST like love... 
Kaitlyn is apparently deathly afraid of birds. Hey, I saw Hitchcock's "The Birds" when I was nine. I'm not petrified of our avian friends, but I understand if someone (who saw that movie) is. Whether or not Kaitlyn has seen that movie, I do not know. 

Memorable quotes:
Living Room Peanut Gallery
(After Kaitlin's Avian Panic Attack)
Ben Z: What are you most afraid of?
Bryan: Dude. She just told you. BIRDS.

- Loving Kaitlyn's impression of Ben Z on snakes:“If someone HANDED me a snake, I would totally take it, but a snake wrapped around a toilet… That’s a different story." 

- Let's clap it up for Kaitlyn's refusal to relent and give the producers what they wanted: she wouldn't pretend that the Panic Room Slaughterhouse was ANYTHING like love: “I don’t think you fall in love in that situation, but you definitely bond over the experience." 

- I will take a completely serious, completely un-sarcastic moment to remark upon what Kaitlyn said to Ben when she gave him the rose: “You accepted me when I was at my worst and I wasn’t afraid to be that way with you." 

Erica Boozer, this Bud's for you... 

Questions I have: 
- Did anyone else enjoy the notice the“birds and animals are not a part of this normally but have been added for the experience" notice?? the LRPG was loving it.

Group Date: Sex Ed
Jonathan, Ben H, Joshua, Brian, Jared, Tanner

Just like our collective approval of Shawn, and general enjoyment of the unnecessary wild animals in the Haunted Mansion Panic Room, the LRPG agreed that this classroom of kids was WAAAAY too young to be hearing about [BEEP] and [BEEP] in the [BEEP] all over a [BEEEEEEEP.] 

I don't think I'm even enough of a good feminist to have an articulate opinion about the words that they chose to censor, but... really? Anyone else notice that they censored the name of the male reproductive organ, but not the female? But then they censored certain terms of the female reproductive anatomy? I'm sure it's all in a contract in the top of every filing cabinet in the back of the projection room above the auditoriums in Hollywood, but I'm also fairly convinced that perhaps the Bachelorette story editors had left for the night, leaving behind a list of censors for the interns to fill in, not knowing that the interns had gone on a "lunch break" at Hama Sushi's happy hour, consequently losing said censor list and having to drunkenly make it up on their own in that classroom scene... 

So either it was all a sloppy mess, or one of the interns had to actually dig up the contract (or law) that states that insertion may not be shown on reality TV...

Other than that, only three remarks on this date:

1) I want everyone to know that the Love Virgin (aka the welder) has some TAMpins. Clearly he never learned about that from the cows...

2) Ben H: 

Wasn't Ben H. the guy that was really into Britt on the first night, and talked with her about how he sponsored a kid? I don't even care. He's perfect. 

2) Mmmm and we're cuing the awkward music when the Love Virgin says that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. Because here on America's favorite television pasttime, we shame the women that are too loose, and we shame the men that aren't LOOSE ENOUGH.

I'm a little bit over you, ABC...

3) Kaitlyn’s obsession with Jared’s black eye is a LITTLE unsettling.


Do I even dignify this Clint/JJ stuff with commentary? 

It's totally all a ruse. But I can't say that I'm NOT anticipating what the backlash will be...