A Cupcake on a Ledge...

You GUYS. This is seriously just the best show on television. There is absolutely nothing like it. No. THING. I hardly even take notes anymore because I'm just so sucked in. Can we get a special shout out to the editors this season? In the promos alone, they have lead us to believe that we would be facing a crisis bigger than Independence Day, and yet we’ve seen… basically nothing.

Ugh. This post is dedicated to the dissolution of Ben and Jen's marriage. My obsession with Bachelor Nation is rivaled by very few things, but Jennifer Garner is one of them. (So obviously: Hi Jen, if you need extra help with childcare, I'M TOTES HERE FOR YOU.)

Ok so Shawn is having a REALLY hard time, tonight. I’ve decided he is the Britt of this season. For whatever reason, he feels like he’s entitled to it ALL, and he doesn’t mind walking down EACH AND EVERY HALLWAY OF THAT HOTEL to get it.

Like the rest of us, Tanner is excited to watch Shawn unravel. He clearly has NO dog in this fight, and won’t mind watching everything go down. I hope Tanner is on Bachelor in Paradise. I’m not ready to say goodbye to him, yet. (I also SEVERELY hope Joe is on BIP, but who’s to say that Kentucky Joe won’t make it to the final two?)

So we’re following Shawn down the (many) hall(s) to watch him whine to Kaitlyn about how he doesn’t feel as special, because she gave Jared the group date rose. At this moment, I’d like to point out how Ali Fedotowsky addressed this in her blog post last week: Kaitlyn NOT giving Shawn the rose was a strategic move. Ali remarked that it looks like Shawn is pretty much a shoo-in, so there’s no need to give him a rose. She talked about how once you kind of know who your top few guys are, it becomes a game of making it “last” with the other guys until you can send them home. But much like Britt, Shawn just wanted to be number one, in front of everyone, regardless. (Hey, I get it. There were four different tasks that I completed for my boss today after which I said, “JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR: THERE’S AN ASSISTANT EDITOR DOWNSTAIRS WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH “LEE” AND ENDS WITH “VI,” WHO WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PULL THIS OFF, I'M YOUR FAVORITE.” Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers...) 

Where was I? Oh yes, Shawn whining. The first of SEVERAL whining bouts, I might add. Blah blah. he wants to be number one and doesn't realize that this is a show. There's always one...

Two on One: JJ and Kentucky Joe

This date was fairly tame compared to some two-on-ones we've seen in the past (ie: getting left on an aircraft carrier, a glacier, a hottug, the Badlands, etc...) and one thing's for sure: Kaitlyn couldn't give two rats’ behinds about this date. She's too concerned with whether or not Shawn is gonna spill that she told him he was number one, and whether or not Nick will spill about their nocturnal misadventures. Can we just take a moment to acknowledge how many times she's told us "I don't regret what happened with Nick..." but given all of the declarations that immediately follow this sentiment, I now believe that what she's truly getting at is "I won't regret what happened with Nick.. as long as none of the other guys find out..."

But whatever. She's preoccupied with Nick and Shawn and doesn't care about either guy on this date.

Carolyn: Her skin looks so good, geez.
Johnny: I mean, she has a YEAR’S worth of make up on.
Carolyn: That’s right. We did see her apply it.

The blush on my face? I BRUSHED IT. 

Just a few observations:

- JJ tells Kaitlyn that he’s falling for her... and then asks Joe to raise a glass to that.

Raise 'em up. 

- Oh Joe... Ne'er before has “turning point” been synonymous to “icing on the cake,” in the same sentence. Those are two completely contradictory idioms, but I can’t even hold it against him. His proclamation was so sweet… then turned so sour SO fast. We did NOT need to see your tongue just now, Joe.


Grace: She’s gonna keep Joe around, ‘cause he’s easier to say goodbye to later.
Johnny: And he doesn’t have a kid… Or a former investment banking career...
Carolyn: (seeing the rose) Wait, this is the end of the date?
Johnny: Get cold on a mountain. And drink whiskey. Just look at that boat. This is a garbage date.

I applaud JJ for telling her about his infidelity. That was a bold move that he was clearly put up to by the producers and he probably has raging regret about it that treads even deeper than Kaitlyn's regret will, if the guys find out about Nick, but it was an Integrity Move, nonetheless...

Meanwhile, back on the farm...

OK BUT SERIOUSLY HALF OF THIS EPISODE HAS BEEN DEDICATED TO FOOTAGE OF SHAWN GOING DOWN HALLWAYS. 

The editors did an EXCEPTIONAL job of building up Shawn’s “confession,” (this is Whining Bout II, for those who want to update their score cards at home) which really just turned into him whining “but you said I was the oneeeee in San Antonioooo,” after which she basically proceeded to get upset with him. Obviously she thought he was going to confront her about Nick, and instead of turning to compassion in her relief, she just became impatient.

There was zero point to Whining Bout II. Props to the producers for making her believe that Shawn somehow knew about Nick. There is some MASTER manipulation going on behind the scenes right now and I'm totally ok with it. Let the emotional wreckage abound!


Rose Ceremony:

Ok so Ben H. just took her through a secret bookcase.

So obsessed with Ben H. 

The producers totally fed Ben H. the line and a half about how something happened between Kaitlyn and Shawn, then egged him on to confront Kaitlyn about it, but the way that he handled it was REMARKABLE. I'm still not even quite sure what Kaitlyn's reply was, because it was so jumbled and nonsensical. Anyone remember when Britt confronted Chris about how he endorsed Kaitlyn's nudity on the desert date and he said straight up JARGON in reply? (Kimmel had GREAT coverage of that one, HERE) The point is: Ben H. is a class act and I'm ALL about him.

LRPG came to a unanimous decision: This show has exponentially more twisted drama than all the seasons of Revenge combined, and we are LOVING it. The manipulation that is happening behind the scenes to keep everyone so clearly questioning and on edge is AMAZING.

Sidenote: whenever I'm feeling depressed about life, I just remember that we still have the Men Tell All for this season. What's going to happen with JJ and Clint? Will the audience boo Ian when he gets introduced? I feel like Nick is going to be in the final two, but if he's at the MTA - is anyone going to call him out on the fact that we just saw him tell Kaitlyn that he DIDN'T tell the guys that they "were intimate" AND IF SO, is he or is he not going to fire back with "I said the date was intimate, I didn't say we were intimate..."

Eh, we all knew Tanner was going home, but couldn’t decide if Cupcake or Ben Z would be axed… Carolyn and I remarked that we still hadn't seen the footage Cupcake bawling on the grass somewhere, yet - clearly he wasn't going home. Johnny countered that in the shots of him bawling, he was wearing clothing similar to the clothes he had on now, so maybe it was right after the rose ceremony, but Carolyn and I both pointed out that it was daylight in the bawling shot, not night time... The title of "Most Obsessive" is an ABSOLUTE tossup, in this living room, but when Kaitlyn called Cupcake’s name, Johnny hollered

“PUT HIM BACK IN THE OVEN CUPCAKE IS NOT DONE YET”

I hope Tanner is on Bachelor in Paradise. I think I like Ben Z so much that I hope he is NOT...

Moving onto... Killarney 

On her hotel room:
Kaitlyn: The queen has been there, it’s haunted…
Carolyn: I wouldn’t sleep. (We see the room) OHHHH I WOULDN’T SLEEP.
Grace: I would sleep SO WELL.
Carolyn: Oh I can feel the ghosts from here.
Grace: And there’s no drought in Ireland I would use the HEAVEN AND EARTH out of that bath tub!

Just a quick note for everyone: Killarney is what Cupcake's soul looks like. So apparently if you went up to him and asked him what his soul looked like (I'd say mine is like a half-baked chocolate chip cookie from Subway) he'd say "Oh that would be Killarney, Ireland. That's what my soul looks like. Have you had any cavities lately?"

We all knew Cupcake was getting the boot on this date from the get-go. There was just no way around it. I'd like to give a secial shout out to his very articulate: "It feels as bad as it looks," almost as articulate as Lindsay Yenter's "Well I'm going to go now... Cause this is my nightmare..." when Sean Lowe dumped her...


And then we get footage of Cupcake getting talked off a ledge.
LITERALLY.

Real talk: I think the whole thing was staged. I honestly don't even believe Cupcake's tears. Or "believe his crying," rather. Because we didn't even see any tears. And that guy has been full of one-liners all season, why wouldn't he go out with a bang and get extra air time?


20 days til the Men Tell All.