He's Just Tired of Talking About Bowel Movements...

Quick update: last week it was "Stop everything and go watch Lifetime's UnReal."

It's obviously still very much that, but it's also STOP EVERYTHING AND GO LISTEN TO KACEY MUSGRAVES' NEW ALBUM.

Sorry I'm not sorry that I'm late to the party with you...

Ahem, we will now resume the regularly scheduled broadcast: 

First things first: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE MEN TELL ALL. Ian, Joshua, that dude McDill from the first night... I'm so excited for it all.

Ian is probably going to field a lot of flak for his comments about how he should be the next Bachelor. And sure, the way he said his piece to Kaitlyn was lamentable. Especially given all that education - I don't care if I'm the only woman in America, but a guy with a good education is kind of the number two way to my heart. (Obviously number one is Jesus, duh.) But I have a really hard time believing that Ian is truly campaigning to be the next Bachelor. At least not like THIS guy was: 

Never gets old... 

I think Ian was fed the “next Bachelor” question by the producers, (you guys, seriously: start watching UnReal on Lifetime. It's everything I didn't know I never needed to know about reality dating shows) and sure, I’d think I’d make a great Bachelor if I were Ian… BUT IAN HASN’T MET THE EDITORS OF THIS SHOW.

Speaking of editing: the silence of Ian’s exit is HUGE. No dramatic music, just SILENCE...

Oh, and JJ's socks. Silence and socks. 

And who should swoop in for the kill, post-Ian? To console the rage of our Bachelorette? 

CZAR NICHOLAS. 

Lemme tell you something right now. If I say “I’M ANGRY,” and a guy responds with a “lay it on me” gesture…

We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on... WE GO HOME HAPPY.

Mega points to Nick for moving in after Ian’s departure… Remember how JP was the one that Ashley had the date with after Bentley left? Or how Melissa was the one who Jason took to his house to meet his son, cancelling the date in Seattle? (well… that line works a little better if he’d actually ended up with Melissa, instead of proposing to her and then going back on it, but you get the picture - CONSOLATION TAKES YOU FAR.)

Blah blah blah, Hare is supa stoked that they're in his home state, but we don't have time to take "Hare's Bus Tour of Texas," so we get to the rose ceremony... Which happens to be AT the Alamo, no biggie... Buh BYE to Joshua and Justin. I have zero doubt that Joshua will have NO trouble finding love back in Idaho.

Just out of curiosity, did Kaitlyn NOT know they were going to Ireland? Welp, Josh definitely didn't. But he certainly does now, as he hears them all cheering...

Womp wooooomp

For all of our friends at home, you'll be glad to know: critically acclaimed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Johnny Langan finally joined us last night. Carolyn and I were finishing off our usual Monday Night Pasta Bowl when he came in and said "I haven't watched the past three episodes but I listened to a podcast on my way here, so I'm basically all caught up... "

...Johnny knows the #2 way to my heart. #Podcasts4Dayz #Edukasyhun


He continued. "I think Shawn is going to win. I think he looks like Ryan Gosling got stung by a bunch of bees, but I think he is going to win. And then there's Jared… Jared looks like such a creep. He looks like a waiter that would bang a patron in the bathroom."

His words, not mine. 

One on One Date: Nick

Let's start with Kaitlyn's salutation: “I wore a holy sweater for you so you could touch my back.”

This is how I feel about that:

Kids today...

Nick on Kaitlyn’s fear of birds: “Apparently we may never be able to go to a park again, but it was nice to comfort her…”

Grace on Kaitlyn's fear of birds:

"Fear of birds" 

The two of them have zero trouble NOT keeping their hands off of each other, and then they run into Riverdance, right in the streets of Dublin... Nick cannot dance to save his life, but he is SO committed and I am NOT upset about it.

Ok these Claddagh rings... I get that it's Dublin, but... I can’t help but think that he is a sixteen year old girl with that ring on his finger.

Johnny: Nick is the worst. He is the WORST guy in the locker room. He did not have sex until he was twenty five.

Grace: And apparently he hasn’t stopped…

Johnny: …trying. He hasn’t stopped TRYING. He is Josh Groban in a microwave. I have had a year to build contempt for this guy. (Upon seeing them walk into the church later that night) What is he even wearing? He looks horrible. HE IS HORRIBLE.

Grace: We KNOW you hate him… (looking at the screen) Ok but at least tuck in your shirt, Nick.

Johnny: I wish she would sleep with the dentist. He just seems like such a nice guy.

Carolyn: And he's had SO many one-liners...

When we heard Shawn and Jared's conversation (as Nick and Kaitlyn were getting hot and heavy) we hear Shawn say, "I've never had a conversation with Nick…" To which Johnny raised the question: "What? He hates him and he’s never spoken to him?"

At this point, the peanut gallery was SO loud that I threw in the towel and turned on closed captions. Johnny hates closed captions. I think they're terribly underrated. However, this was a horrible time to turn them on, because I can't tell you how many times we saw "Kaitlyn moans" written on the bottom of the screen. I'm not even joking. "Exhales sharply" was another gem. Which came first: closed captions or 50 Shades?

And then... the next morning... even though a lawyer could probably argue that he didn't. we all saw Nick kiss and tell. Ohhhhhh Nick just lost so many points. It's one thing to confront Andi about it, sure. But to SPEAK TO THE OTHER GUYS ABOUT HIS TIME WITH KAITLYN... Nick has now moved from exceedingly high points to the negative point range, with me...

Group Date: Necrophilia
Tanner, Ben Z, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, Chris

Oh yeah - JJ and Kentucky Joe got the two on one. So stoked for that.

I’m pretty sure they are playing “My Heart Will Go On” on the bagpipes right now, as they all stand around Kaitlyn lying in a casket, getting ready to "raise a toast to her life."

BIG shoutout to Tanner, and his rhyme scheme: "How I’m still here, nobody knows. Hell, I’m even surprised that I got a rose…” Tanner is really cute. He is going to get the ax any minute now, but America is severely enjoying him, in the meantime...

Ben Z… what a conundrum… Kaitlyn couldn’t take him on the two-on-one, and he wasn’t gonna get the one-on-one, so much like Emily getting stuck on that group date with Brad at the racetrack, he was forced to face painful times on a date that was kind of entirely inappropriate for him...

Remember THIS??

Still not quite sure what Kentucky Joe was talking about earlier in the day when he said that Shawn got some extra time with Kaitlyn, except that later we heard that she spent seven hours in his room with him, telling him he was the one... 

Uh huh. 

Carolyn and I are very, very concerned about what will happen when Shawn sees this episode. We hear him telling a producer that Kaitlyn told him he was the one. and on top of ALL of that, the man went to a Dublin CVS to get family pictures printed. All of America hit the brakes when we heard him refer to "there's my boy," in a picture, before seeing that it was his... dog.

It seems like there's really no telling where they're going next week.. (I mean in terms of story line, not in terms of geography) Is she going to admit her sharp-exhales-behind-closed-doors to the men? Why do we see Cupcake BAWLING? (Johnny really wants to know)

And finally, upon seeing Britt appear on the screen, Johnny yelled "She’s still here? Get that girl OFF of TV!"

That will be all, Martin.