Tuesday, January 28, 2014

When Life Gives You Lemons... Don't Get A DUI...

 Ohhhhh Sharleen is going to SAAAANG tonight. Yuussssss. So stoked. 

That was all of "Tonight, on The Bachelor" that I watched. I wonder if JP is going to say, "Weeeelcome to Seoul, giiiirlz," like Dez's "Weeeelcome to Madeira, Boooooyz!"

Actually, I don't wonder that; I just hope it doesn't happen.

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Group Date: Nikki, Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, and Kat
Here's what happened: the girls learned choreography and danced with some K-Pop group of which no one in America has ever heard. Fortunately, the group is popular enough in Seoul, that a four story mall was packed with Koreans, eager to see this 2NE1 performance (with a bunch of white girls... that entered said shopping mall very UN-gloriously, after disembarking from a black van...). And yes, I DID google what Juan Pablo referred to as "the Spice Girls of South Korea," in order to spell it correctly, and I bet that Josh Rachet is wishing his name could be so clever...


-        Even though the girls only have an hour to pack, before leaving for South Korea, they found the time to have a dance party in the mansion bathroom.

- Andi could totally fathom a one on one date with JP… but apparently a one-on-one date with him IN SOUTH KOREA is just too much for her to handle... 

- Let's clap it up for the sensible ABC lawyer Dale, who insisted that the editors blur out the apple icon, on JP's iPhone... MAY NO PRODUCT EVER BE MISPLACED ON THE ABC SCREEN, under Dale's reign. Long live Esquire Dale. 

- Danielle (the only remotely ethnic-looking one that ISN'T Sharleen) is clinging to Nikki for dear life, when they find out that they’re going onstage.... This is the MOST we see of Dani, for the entire episode. Ah, I see that a few lines down, I initially noted, "We have not heard ONE word from Danielle. Not one." Just an intense arm grip.

- After the Mall of America Korea concert, They adjourn to the…. North Korean furniture museum. That is not a joke. 

-Kat's Dad was a raging alcoholic. He got 7 DUIs. She doesn't like to be vulnerable. Please see EVERY OTHER CONTESTANT ON THIS SHOW, EVER. 

- JP and Nikki were having a nice little moment, and then, out of the blue, he asks her, "So how do you feel about Camila?" I mean, I guess we have to give the language barrier a few points, here. Because clearly he has not learned the subtleties of how to ask a question like this one, so he just has to lay it all out there. I'm not too upset by this.

- Let's take a moment to appreciate how Nikki told JP that she could be into having kids, and that she is a great diaper changer… 

Camila is five. 

That is all. 

- Everyone, EVERYONE in this room that was watching the episode screamed when JP kissed Nikki… and it was NOT a good scream.

Questions I have:

- What kind of father DOESN’T pick their daughter’s wedgie? Juan Pablo wouldn’t know the answer to that.

- What are these garter/suspenders that the SpiceWorld21 girl is wearing? 

- How much red tape did Jacob have to go through, to organize the Visas? Organize the concert appearance? I am baffled by the international travel on this show...

- Why is Cassandra incapable of calling Juan Pablo by hus double name? Why?

Memorable Quotes

- “My future husband is waiting for me on the other side of the world!” SHUT UP, CLAIRE.

- Juan Pablo exclaims, “K Pop is taking over America..." Is it, JP? Or is Psy taking over America?

- Chelsie discusses the stakes of the date being unknown,“We literally have zero concept of what we could be doing…” She was mega-shocked to see JP on the other side of the world; and especially shocked that he looks remarkably like what he looked like... when they were in California... twenty four hours before...

- Nikki informs us: "2NE1 one is like, huge. Their video on youtube had over seventy seven million views..."
Johnny: I wonder how many views Josh Ratchet has...
Carolyn: I mean, seventy seven million is still way less than Rihanna...

- Nikki didn't stop at the seventy-seven million views remark, “Now we’re going onstage in front of thousands of north Korean teens and I kind of want to crap my pants.” Furthermore, she hopes they’re performing for the North American School of the Blind… Her words; not mine.

One On One: Sharleen
Here's what happened: they wandered around Seoul. Like Arie and Emily in Prague. Or Ali and Frank, in Turkey (may their PERFECT relationship rest in pieces) Ugh, speaking of "pieces," I wonder if Blaklee hawked that Neil Lane engagement ring, after she and Tony broke up. 

- Sharleen is JP’s favorite right now. He just told us. Again, we have the language barrier to thank. Instead of a stupid walking/running metaphor, like Dez tried to use with Brooks, JP just puts it all out there. And regardless, Shar-mander looks UH-mazing on this date.

- JP’s struggle to say that he feels like a MOUSE in a MAZE, right now… It's just a lot. I'm in the fetal position.

- I don’t think anyone has ever used the word “bombard” on this show, but Shar-mander's senses are BOMBARDED in this market. (yes, the same market where El Pollo Loco feels like El Raton Loco.)

- I love how these women are grasping at the thinnest of straws to critique other girls right now, and they’re picking on Sharmander's maternal instincts… She's not a gold digger or a fame whore, but if a child were crying... it MIGHT not be her first instinct to gather them in her arms. 

- Sharmander had several categories in which she was going to be assessing JP today, as any good opera singer does, and for the record: he's definitely surpassed expectations in the... FUN category. Not the "he's nurturing" category, or the "challenges me" category, but the... FUN category. 

- More shrieks rang out in our living room when these two kissed... I don't know WHAT it is, between these two... I'm not upset about it, but I seriously just can't get a handle on what is going on between them... I will also give Sharmander points, for a) the candor with which she spoke about having kids, and b) not wanting the first phase of a relationship to revolve around her singing?! There's no WAY the producers weren't shaking their heads at this girl who DIDN'T want to market her "craft," 24/7... 

Anyone remember THIS singer/songwriter chick, from Bachelor: London Calling??

Group Date: Andi, Lauren S, Claire, Kelly, Rene, Ali
Here's what happened: they did some weird, Korean version of karaoke, for the third week in a row, JP forced a woman into doing something she didn't want to... (In the second episode, he got Andi to take her clothes off. In the third, he got BabyChelsie to jump off a bridge, and this week, he talked Claire into eating a BITE of octopus...) 

- These geese paddle boats, right now…

- I certainly wouldn’t be embarrassed or freaked out by the prospect of a fish eating the dead skin off my feet, I’d be concerned that they’d love my feet more than anyone else’s… That – THAT would be embarrassing. (Renee, sweetie, I'm looking at YOU.)

- JP is helpless because Claire has… sexy teeth. That is a genuine observation, collected straight from JP's words about his make-out sesh with Claire.

Memorable Quote:

- Claire put up what was easily the biggest and most embarrassing protest against a bite of food that I've ever seen in my LIFE. (and I've witnessed some MAJOR protests. Do you know what kind of broccoli and cauliflower I've had to coax kids into eating??) “Of all the weird food you could POSSIBLY eat, she’s afraid of octopus…” THANK YOU, ALLI.

- Renee tried to segue into a beso with a sensible question:“How would Camila feel if she saw your kiss me?” Well, Renee, I don't know that now is the time to bring up the man's wedgied daughter, honestly... And to make matters worse, (for Renee) this gave him an immediate out, when he replied, “I don’t know, how Ben would feel?” Blah blah he's not going to kiss anymore women tonight... Except for Claire's teeth.

- Halfway through Kelly and Andi's reenactment of the octopus debacle, my friend Johnny commented, “Kelly is that girl who sat at the table with the popular girls but no one knew why… And she made fun of other girls, and looked bad at prom…Totally that girl.”

Rose Ceremony: 

This was Johnny's impression of BabyChelsie, taking in the Mulan Palace:
Hannah happened to tune in as I was taking the picture, and was just generally weirded out by what he was doing...

- I don’t necessarily think that Nikki should have come up on JP and Claire, but then I hear Claire talking about her Dad and I JUST don’t hate Nikki for the "interruption."

- Oh, how about Claire's, “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I’ll stand up for what I believe in.” THAT'S one for the books...

- I mean… This drama between Nikki and Claire… This - THIS is how wars are started. I fully believe that Juan Pablo was hinting at NOTHING, with his remarks about the house, and yet alliances are already being formed, and treaties already being signed...

Roses went to: Andi, Nikki, Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Allie, Claire, and Kat. 

They're going to 'Nam next week. Wonder if they'll see Lieutenant Dan...

Verbal Faux Pas:
-Y'all, Kat has been dancing before she could walk. KAT, IF YOU CAN'T WALK, YOU CAN'T DANCE. Did Abby Lee Miller teach her that line?

- Whilst gushing about the upcoming international travel, Claire shrieked, “Korea? I don’t even have a kimono!” 


Never tell ANYONE that you thought kimonos were a general thing, throughout all Asian countries... Just don't.

And I'm just saying...

I WOULD KNOW. You're welcome, America.

- I was SO grateful when Elise CORRECTLY said “I don’t want him to get the wool pulled over his eyes…” but then she remarked that she wanted him to “see through the smog…” Unless she was referring to J. R. R. Tolkein’s dragon, Smaug, she missed this one.

- I can't even recall about whom she was speaking, but we had a GEM from Nikki, with: “A very over-taking personality.”

- Let us close with El Raton Loco: “There’s like, 2NE1. They’re like… the coolest dance moves ever.” This band was... the coolest dance moves, ever.

Gooooood niiiiight, Los Angeles!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Couple that Bungees Together...

Ugh. Where to even begin? I am so deeply over this season. And it’s only episode 3. Which was promised to us last night as “the most exciting episode yet,” by our gracious host…

…It’s episode 3, Hare.

But we won’t hold it against you.

We MIGHT have to hold that RIDICULOUS shirt against you, which you’re wearing as you saunter into the mansion this morning with the date card… I’m so confused by this shirt’s existence. It doesn’t even gently FADE from dark blue into light blue, it just… starkly switches from dark to light fabric.

Pshhh… Who am I kidding? HE could wear THIS and it wouldn’t matter:

Oh… Oh excuse me. I got derailed, talking about Hare’s absurd wardrobe choices, because my lack of investment this season is SO great…

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

One on One Date: Cassandra. 
(She's the one that USED to be an NBA dancer)

Let’s be real: I’m kind of shocked that Casio is still here. Sure, she has the fiercest body of any contestant, maybe EVER, but she said approximately 4 words on night one, and by night two, JP was having to provide tubside assistance, because of her breakdown about her kid.

(Can you HEAR my lack of compassion, here?! Even I am almost shocked by my callous words. But these girls… This International el Pollo Loco de la Bachelore… You know how people say they need a partner who brings out the best in them? I NEED A SEASON TO BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME. Cause this season is NOT.)

The date card says “Love is a wild ride…”

NO IT’S NOT, Pollo Loco.

Wait wait WAAAAAIT Casio is 21. TWENTY. ONE. If this were Pride and Prejudice, we’d say she was “not yet two and twenty.” But I’m pretty sure she’d be exiled from town, for having a kid at 19, if Ma Bennett had anything to say about it… 
...Pregnant, you say?

Ohhh and she “hasn’t had a first date since she was 18.” So basically: since last week.

Ok, you got me: the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car was kind of cool. (And yes, JP gets a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang reference, NOT a James Bond one) but I am NOT digging the Disney Channel Original Movie-eque music in the background, right now…

We KNOW it’s your first date in three years, Casio. WE GET IT.

…We also know you had a nose job. (Let’s just put it out there, ok?)

Why Pollo Loco took the time to adjust his shirt sleeves AND his pants, in the middle of this dance interlude in the kitchen … I will never know.


Ok... Her kid is kinda stinkin’ cute. And Camila is… Well, Camila is cuter than Ricky.


Meanwhile, back on the farm…

Elise (whom I still love, because she had the brilliant idea to trade nearly-nude costumes with Free Spirit Lucy last week) is telling Rene about her Mama… “It was an incredible feeling, to find this letter after she passed away…” WHERE SHE SAID THAT ALL SHE EVER WANTED IN LIFE WAS FOR ME TO BE ON THIS SHOW. Ohhhhh no. Elise believes that the sun shining right now is her Mom, and that she’s put her in a castle with the perfect guy… I am not making that up. Those are literally her words.

Group Date:
Carly Rae, Rene, Sharleen, Danielle, Ali, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki are going to “kick it” with Pollo Loco…

Pardon the interjection, but I can’t hear “kick it” without thinking of Enchanted, when Idina Menzel shows up at Patrick Dempsey’s door and says to his daughter, “Hey girlfriend. Ready to kick it?”

Kick what?

Nanny Ali is apparently a secret Mia Hamm, meanwhile Carly Rae has apparently never touched a soccer ball in her life. Ohhhh cue the Bachelor struggle music right now, as the girls try to kick the balls around, before the big game…

Anyone remember the volleyball date, on Sean’s season? (Hint: It was the competitive date where they WEREN’T milking goats…) It was that episode (only 3 or 4 weeks in, if I recall correctly) that I knew that Dez and Catherine must be going really far in the season, because we kept seeing clips of just those two girls, talking about that volleyball game, except they were standing on a beach that was very clearly NOT Los Angeles, and Catherine was wearing an entirely different bathing suit.

…Now that I have finished my useless mockery of the poor work of the ABC editor, I shall conclude with: THANK HEAVEN this wasn’t one of those competitive Bachelor dates. (Anyone remember Blakely crying, after the baseball game? ANYONE?! Ugh. May her failed engagement to Tony rest in pieces…)

The blue team did a great job re-creating a Remember the Titans-esque entrance to the stadium, but the red team was… not as graceful… They went for a strut, and obviously we have Bachelor Intern Jacob to thank for the mess that ensued, because he had clearly told them that they would be edited to look like something other  than a team of tweens that was entering the arena at the Disney Channel Olympic Games, circa 2008. They genuinely looked as though they thought that if they walked the right way, it would turn to slow motion, and “Eye of the Tiger” would start playing… FAIL.

Although no contestant will ever come CLOSE to MyBestFriendLesley, on Sean’s season, Nikki is certainly in the running to be my top choice, this season. She bars NO hold on her neuroses and intensity, as she talks to Pollo Loco right now, and I’m NOT upset about it…

Andi and Pollo Loco venture into a concession stand together… I mean, apparently the only thing Andi is interested in cooking in that kitchen is… Juan Pablo’s tongue… YEAH I SAID IT.

Sharleen won’t EVER be in the running, because she’s just my top choice in LIFE, not for this show, and I canNOT get over how one minute, she’s Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and in the next is an awkward 16 year old… 
Is he amiable?

Wait, what is HAPPENING with this kissing, right now?!!? Waaaaait, wait wait wait whyyyyyyy howwwwww I don’t understandddddd. Nikki got the rose, but I’M STILL REELING FROM WHATEVER HAPPENED WHEN SHARLEEN'S LIPS DROP-TACKLED POLLO LOCO'S…

One on One date: Chelsie

Let’s start this off with a quote from Elise,“I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.” Elise is very quickly losing momentum as one of my favorites, because she WON’T shut up about how young Chelsie is. Hey Elise, at the mature, ripe old age of 27, haven’t you figured out how to insult people, by now? Cause if Chelsie’s age is the only thing you have whereupon to remark, CAN IT.

I can’t help but feel an OUNCE (one single ounce) of sympathy for Chelsie, having to put up with JP’s car jam… You know when you’re with a friend, who is SO into whatever song or video they’re playing, and you JUST couldn’t care ANY less? We saw Chelsie experience this with his music, and if I were a betting woman, I’d say she did it with the food, too.

Ugh. Have I given my spiel about adrenaline dates, yet? I feel like I have, but we’ll review, for the students who walked in late.

But before I begin, let’s keep one thing in mind: this has absolutely NOTHING to do with whether or not Chelsie trusts JP, it has to do with WHETHER OR NOT SHE TRUSTS THE BUNGEE CORDS. But I will say… as I watch her cry like a little girl… I can’t help but feel like JP is only good at consoling her and coaxing her into doing it, because he’s probably spent many a night coaxing Camila to stop hogging the covers and go back to her own bed…

…So does he want another daughter?

I can see it now, Camila saying, “That is so sweet, Dad! You want to adopt Meredith Chelsie!”
"Me... or them?" 

Ok, Adrenaline Date Spiel:
For the record, I didn't get this out of Cosmo, I learned this in a 400 level Psych class: “The Psychology of Romantic Relationships” (where I may or may not have frequently referenced this show…) Bottom line: on an adrenaline-charged date, people mistake the thrill of adrenaline for the thrill of attraction. Pure and simple. Exhibit a) Jillian Harris’ zipline date with Ed. Exhibit b) Jake Pavelka’s bungee jumping date with Vienna.

Case closed.

In Baby Chelsie’s defense, I will say that aside from when Emily Maynard tried to get Luke Bryan to be a contestant on her season, Billy Currington JUST might be the first concert that has been actually recognized by a contestant… (I’m sure Josh Rachet’s iTunes sales went through the roof, after his appearance, but the key word is after.)

Cocktail Pool Party

Sure, I applaud JP’s desire to see the women in their pee-yamas, without makeup, although Claire 100% pulled a Kristen-Wiig-At-The-Beginning-Of-Bridesmaids, before walking down the stairs, just now… 
Cue: “Ohmigah I’m so embarrassed right now, my hair is so perfectly tousled, I’m like, blushing.”

Lucy’s response to the news of Pollo Loco in the kitchen: “Does that mean I have to put clothes on? Raaahhhhh.”
…I don’t hate you right now, Lucinda.

Let me take a moment to point out two of Claire’s favorite things:
1) Juan Pablo.
2) His smokin’ hot bod.
I didn’t know they were two separate things, Claire…

True life: I’m housesitting this week, and can’t say that I’m entirely familiar with the operation of the NOT-poor-people-cable that this family has, so the recording cut out at this point, inexplicably, and quite irretrievably. (Well, sure, I could suffer through the commercials again, OnDemand, or wade through that bizarre login you have to do on ABC now, but truthfully… I JUST. DON’T. CARE. enough to do so.) I asked colleagues this morning who went home, and they replied, “The free spirit and… some blonde chick, that we didn’t even really see at all during the episode…” To which I replied: “Oh the one that wore the white dress on the first night, who had on WAY too much self-tanner?”

Apparently Claire cried ‘cause Pollo Loco kissed Sharleen, but from the looks of that first kiss, it’s a toss up as to whether Claire was crying because she was jealous, or crying because Sharleen’s kissing is THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE, ANYWHERE.

And finally… what IS becoming juicier by the week… our verbal faux pas section, from El Pollo Loco International de la Bachelore:

- About Casio, he remarked: “She feels comfortable with myself.”
- When BabyChels was trying to pull herself together, pre-bungee jump, she told him that she needed to take a second… He consoled her in hushed tones with, “Take as much seconds as you want”
- After BabyChels took the plunge, Pollo Loco said, “I’m proud of you.” To which BC responded with, “I’m proud of YOU. I’m proud of you for talking me off that ledge…” So clearly BC has never opened a book before, because she has yet to learn that “talking someone off a ledge” is exactly the OPPOSITE of what Pollo Loco did. If those words had come out of the mouth of Lady Catherine, AKA Sharleen, I might believe that they were a play on words… However, out of the mouth of Baby Chelsie… I hope that Elise reads this, so that she may find validation about the conclusion that she reached about BC’s age (and saw fit to share with us OVER AND OVER) after her VAST amounts of in-depth research and detective work…

I shall close with this gem from BabyChels:
“If we can jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much get through anything…”

Post Script: I’m sort of maybe perhaps a LITTLE apologetic, for the aggressive nature of this post… Barely.

That is all. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Heaven in a Bottle...

Things I have to say:

Not that ANYONE cares, but this post is obviously delayed. This week has been insane. Google "fire on the PCH 1/14/14" if you need a visual aid. Even though all hell broke loose, here's a silver lining: I was at school last night, talking to a random Dad about the CRAZY FIRE that was raging, and how traffic was nuts, yada yada... 
I finally couldn't stop myself from asking him, 

"I'm sorry, but are you... who I think you are?" 

Random Dad: Well I don't know...

Grace: Are you... Special Agent Peter Burke, on White Collar?

...I was talking to THIS guy:

(And yes... that guy's costar is THIS guy...)

Anyway, Tim DeKay is just the nicest, we made jokes about the 405, and I find him FAR more fascinating than a one Juan Pablo. 

Per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

One on One Date: Claire 
She’s the girl with the Deceased Daddy DVD. 
Those words are not to be mocking, they are all completely valid.

Here’s what happened: JP pulled a Christian Grey and blindfolded Claire to take her to a “winter wonderland.” Whether or not it was even cold at said wonderland remains to be seen.

Thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey, for making a blindfold AUTOMATICALLY KINKY, as opposed to… I don't know, spontaneous, perhaps?
This is apparently the most dramatic night of Claire’s life, EVER. She has NO IDEA where they are going. Like, NONE. No idea. Zero. 
- Please don’t talk about your Dad, Claire. Please DO NOT do it while you’re massaging Juan Pablo. Not while you’re shoving the skin around on his back. Stoooooop.
- When we realized that there was a good ole Bachelor “private concert” going on, everyone in the room threw out bets about who was going to be playing…
Johnny: Kelly Rowland!
Grace: Daniel Powter. He had a bad day. 
Carolyn: Oh look, it’s Josh Rachet, the son of the producer!
...I think we're done here. 

Questions I have:
- Is it just me, or did Claire reveal WAY too much about how she DOESN’T GET OUT MUCH, just now? I'm pretty sure she said something akin to "I haven't been on a... REAL... DATE... in like... EVER." 
- Did we start the episode late or am I correct in my understanding that we did NOT see Claire get a date card?

Memorable Quotes:
- Claire gushed: “He smells like heaven in a bottle.”
........I would LOVE to know what that smells like. There are so many directions in which that one could go... 
“This is a fairytale right now. And I’m like, living in it right now.”
....I will not dignify this quotation with any more commentary. 
- More gushing from Claire: "JP makes me feel like… a kid again." Then we hear JP's voiceover saying, "I think Claire is...cute."
True love. We're on our way to TRUE. LOVE.
- Claire gushed (again) to JP, “You taste like snow…” Which can only mean one thing... Juan Pablo has been drinking.... He's been drinking hot tub water.

One On One Date: Kat 
She’s the one who looks like a poor man’s Brooklyn Decker. Kind of.
Here’s what happened: They went to a rave. That was apparently also a 5k. 
Oh, and before Kat got the date card, Free Spirited Lucy walked around the mansion, topless. Andi remarked: “It was only a matter of time before those boobs popped out from that bikini…” They didn’t 'pop out,' Andi, they were just OUT.

Kat gets on a private plane and somehow thinks they’re going to Miami. KAT, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIME ZONES YOU HAVE TO CROSS, TO GET TO MIAMI?!

Questions I have:
- (before the date) I mean, Carly Rae Jepson and this dog thing, where she walks around with her dog all the time... Do NONE of the girls in the mansion have dog allergies? 

Memorable Quotes:
- "Electric blue running shoes." THANK YOU. Kayla. Kayla, girlfriend of Bachelor Intern Jacob was 100% responsible for these, I know it. 
- Kat gushed, “He’s someone that I would... chase after in the streets…” WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?!
When we were watching the date that was a rave that was a 5k that was a rave that was a date, my roommate Carolyn remarked, "For some reason, I just had this vision of him…. On the group date… Where he gets stabbed."

I'll leave you with that. 

Group Date: Too many bimbos to mention.
 Here’s what happened: they did a photoshoot for the pound. And since we all know this is the FIRST SEASON EVER where NO ONE is allergic to dogs, there were dogs all over the place. That is, actual dogs, as well as Carly Rae Jepson dressed up AS a dog... But her occupation is dog-lover, so whatever. 

- Carly Rae doesn’t know if it’s going to be a photoshoot, or eating cheese, but she's pretty good at both… And now she's in a bald cap... And now she's saying she looks like a giraffe. Too bad she's not a giraffe lover. 
- JP has “brought in” (THE PRODUCERS BROUGHT IN) an artistic director, who has a blue gotee. Let’s just… that.
- I mean, Andi. HONEY. I want to like you. I do. But WHY are we having such a freak out about the outfit? Is this actually an issue right now? Here's what I would do: pile the the clothes of EVERY SINGLE GIRL THERE onto myself, and put the sign on top of THAT. 
ELISE GETTING LUCY TO WEAR THE SIGNS. YES. I SAY YES TO THIS. So innovative. I want her to be my kid's second grade teacher now. 
Lucy is… Lucy is walking around Los Angeles... Wearing nothing. Legit NOTHING. Why is she even here? 
- My friends were giving me a hard time about how I wouldn't shut up about Camila's handwriting, to which I replied, "HER DOT ON THE "i" IS TOO BIG AND HER DAD THINKS IT'S A JOKE. THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM."

....Let me tell you why I felt that I had the authority to speak about this...
Here are some snapshots of the homework that I graded, over the weekend, no joke:
This student saw fit to draw their own star on their best letter... 
Still not in the Camila League, this student also felt the need to point out their strongest letter...

Maybe Camila is in my class. Maybe she's not. 

- Carly Rae's hair and face have recovered shockingly well from the… whatever costume she had on.
- Sweet Mama Rene crawled under the bathroom stall door to fetch Victoria… And even had the wherewithal to stuff a pashmina under there, so they wouldn’t have to sit on the floor…
Dog-loving Carly Rae got the date rose, even though I’d wager that Andi was a bit of a better sport than a bald giraffe…
- It’s just a toss-up, as to who looks worse, this morning: Victoria or JP. They both look rough. She tries to pass it off as a Brazilian thing, and Juan Pablo’s puffy facial expressions were besieging her to get to an AA meeting, yesterday

Memorable Quotes:
- Before she stripped down for the pound, Andi (you guessed it) GUSHED: “I would say Juan Pablo has a knack for melting troubles away…” Or melting CLOTHES away…
- Producer Elan Gale (the one who live tweeted his hilarious (yet very much hoaxed) airline fight, over Thanksgiving) told Victoria, “For your safety, I cannot let you leave right now…” Hearing this, Victoria goes back to her safe place… The bathroom... She just might be having the HARDEST time that ANYONE has EVER had on this show… (That includes Jenna, the crazy blogger, from Ben's season...) 

Questions I have:
 - Why are these women praising JP's  “caring and compassionate” behavior towards Victoria… when he said that he was going to stay and wait for her outside and… didn’t?

And when he returned to her the next morning, we heard him say, “I’m 32 years old, with a daughter, so the right thing to do right now for my family… is to not wait till the rose ceremony…” 
Well played, sir. I will give you fifteen points for this. Those are your first class-act points this season. 

Nothing noteworthy about the cocktail party, except:

-Clearly Local News Reporter Amy knows she’s going home, and is making a last ditch effort to get a job. Or she sat around in the mansion by herself all day, the day before, and had plenty of time to rehearse this spiel/interview of JP. Or probably a little bit of both. 

Roses went to:

And finally... Our good ole verbal faux pas comes to us from Claire, this week, with: 

But as Amy J. learned the hard way last week, people don't always feel you in the same way that you feel them... 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Maybe She Rubbed Him the Wrong Way...

 First things first: if anyone needs a reminder of what Juan Pablo’s accent sounds like, please feel free to give my father a call, and he’ll say “O la, Mamicito, welcome to Meeeeami!” (he said that to me almost every time we spoke on the phone when I went to college in Miami and has written all of the above words in various emails to me, so that’s his spelling, not mine.)
Per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)


- This whole let’s-get-a-shot-of-Juan-Pablo-“dancing”-under-this-cement-structure thing…. I’m not into it. I’m assuming Bachelor Intern Jacob had consumed one too many mimosas that morning at the Biltmore with Hare, and was grasping at straws towards the end of the series of promo shots around Miami…

- I think it might be safe to say: Juan Pablo didn’t have a real job between his soccer career that ended on that Valentine’s Day and right now. Because even though it looks like this job is GREAT… There is truly NO explanation for what this man actually does. If this were third grade, and I were called upon to give a book report summary on Juan Pablo’s job, it would read like this: “Mr. Pablo hoards various Venezuelan trinkets from Major League Baseball players and every so often, he takes schleps them to Venezuela, where they are “exhibited.” And we are supposed to believe he makes an actual salary from this job.”

(I was a precocious third grader, and while my vocabulary was quite large, perhaps I wouldn’t have used some of those words when I was nine. I’d also like the record to show that I wasn’t daft enough to have referred to him as "Mr. Pablo," but it was very third grade/mildly hilarious of me, no?)

- The owl pillow on Camilla’s bed in the Bachelor Mansion Jr, where she and Ma and Pa Pablo are staying… is from Target. Or more likely from the bed of Bachelor Intern Jacob’s 8 year-old sister, Layla. Wait, her entire room is outfitted in this owl shiz. Which actually is from Target – so clearly Intern Jacob was assigned room decoration, where upon he dispatched his girlfriend, Kayla, to decorate the room. (Jacob’s mother has requested that the rhyme of “Kayla” and “Layla” not be dignified with any commentary, because she heavily disapproves of Kayla.

I told her I’d make sure it wasn’t dignified.

- Oh Sean. You are the most perfect. I will scrub dogs with tomato juice at two am with you in Burbank, California anytime. ANY. TIME.

- I am SO over the shots of this reflective, pondering, contemplative, ruminating, introspective, thoughtful, meditative… LOOKING OUT OVER A BODY OF WATER. Come on, ladies. Do we do NOTHING else with our time? (Wandering aimlessly through a garden does NOT count as a valid answer…)

- About these twenty-seven women: Juan Pablo didn’t know about the plus 2 until he was outside the Bachelor Mansion with Hare, ready to meet what he thought was a total of twenty-five. Well after THAT kind of build-up, I was expecting Chris to say “They’re aren’t gonna be twenty five women… they’re gonna be SIXTY FIVE women.” But he didn’t. Also, to my knowledge, there’s only been one other season with 27 women at the start: that of a weeping Italian prince. And they brought in the plus two in the middle of the premiere: they were these two hott Italian women, who sent most of the other contestants into a complete tailspin.

- Buzzword of this season: “get your time with him.” I can’t help but feel a bit like we’re all in a Victorian quilt-circle, and the older women are educating the younger women about getting their period: when you… get your time…”

Questions I Have:
- This question was answered above, but originally I found myself asking: six minutes in, WHY doesn’t Juan Pablo know that there are going to be twenty seven women?

- Halfway through the night: where’s that gold star on Juan Pablo’s blazer, from the teacher? WHERE?

- How many rounds of dry cleaning did that blazer have to go through, after the twenty-seven heavy perfumes it picked up, throughout the night? Oh wait. Twenty six. Amy J. didn’t wear it when he took it off: she awkwardly moaned as she massaged his hands.

I debated about posting the following. I care so very little about the women on this season so far that I felt it a bit of a waste of time. But if you need a refresher on who stays and who goes (went) last night, by all means:

The Women (To whom did Juan Pablo give-uh da rosa?)

- Chelsie: She’s silly because she peeks though sunflower stems. In the photobooth she slurred,“do you remember my name?” Do YOU remember your name right now, Chels?
Bottom line: Rosa

- Rene: has a son who “has a good head on his shoulders,” which is commonly said about eighteen year olds, but her son is… eight. Ohhhhh and then she managed to tell Juan Pablo that she got married because she was pregnant. I’m fairly certain good ole Mr. Pablo didn’t give a rip that she was pregnant before she got married, but the shameful tone with which she made this known did not do her any favors…
Bottom line: Rosa

- Andi: She’s a real-life gang prosecutor, y’all. Ok ABC was REALLY reaching on this one, by setting up this faux-courtroom scene for us… After the swallowing the stupidity of the fake courtroom, I found myself not hating the idea of Andi as the next Bachelorette. 

…But only- ONLY if there are no fake coutroom scenes in her promos. Just awkward dancing under cement structures, please.

Bottom line: Rosa

- Amy J: Amy J has never dated a man that wants to be rubbed by her. Juan Pablo was added to that list, tonight. If I speak any more of her, I will have to get in the fetal position, which makes typing difficult.
Bottom line: No rosa.

- Lauren: Apparently she’s a mineral coordinator. Huh. Wonder what that entails... Oh woof, they made her whip out the old wedding dress, engagement ring and everything. The ABC shrink must have been on a rampage, because they barred NO holds, here. Girl is undoubtedly headed for the funny farm, and oh – she just sat down by that light house and watched ANOTHER wedding.  Ok she is LITERALLY doubting EVERYTHING that’s ever happened in her life, now that we're in the mansion. Everything, ever. Maybe Teacher Ashley will give her a gold star. Lauren tells Ash “how ready” she is, but… seeing her crying her eyes out… I JUUUUUST don’t know how ready that makes her…
She reminds me of Blaklee. Which reminds me of the failed engagement of Blakeley and Tony. Which reminds me of how Rachel Trueheart got her.. ahem, heart broken by breakdancer Michael Stagliano. Ugh. I need a drink.
Bottom line: No rosa.

- Valerie: a personal trainer for… horses? She also thinks she’s Katniss, apparently.
Bottom line: No rosa.

- Lacy: at twenty, she opened an elderly care facility. TWENTY. Her life motto is also from the Broadway smash hit “Annie,” and I’m not at all upset. Is she an Olsen sister?
Bottom line: No rosa?!?! The fact that he DIDN’T keep Lacy around means that he has ZERO real interest in finding a wife/stepmom for Camila… None.

-  Claire: OHHHH she has a DVD from her deceased father, to show to the man whom she’s going to marry. I wonder how far the ABC shrink had to pry to find that little gem… The fake baby. I can’t even.
Bottom line: Rosa. I bet she’s going far. And it looks like she might be the resident wretch.

- Amy L: First out of the limo. Local news reporter… So does that mean she’s a reporter for… Her neighborhood newsletter? Will McAvoy? Her cats?
Bottom line: Rosa

- Cassandra: they ACTUALLY played crickets over the silence when they first spoke to each other. Cassandra USED to be an NBA dancer. But now she’s a make-up artist. How they saw fit to use the former vocation and not the latter, I do not know. And how Cassandra apparently survives on a steady diet of kale and dust, I know not, either.
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Christy: Marketing Manager… white dress… so tan…
Bottom Line: Rosa. (those above six words are seriously all I noted about her.)

- Christine: she’s a… Police Support Specialist… what? WHAT!? What does that MEAN? Apparently she’s a Camila support specialist, too, cause she brought her a bracelet… Well played, Christine.
Bottom Line: no Rosa

- Nikki: pediatric nurse from Kansas City… wait for it… Missouri. Her conversation with him was unfortunate, but maybe she’ll recover? Maybe.
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Kat: she was 100% lying when she said that she’d “done all kinds of dance but not salsa.”
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Chantal: Oh she gave him SPECIFIC instructions about how to say her name. Clearly she didn’t see Brad’s (second) season, where every other contestant shared this name.
Except for Jackie.
Which reminds me of the failed Bachelor Pad relationship of Jackie and Ames.
And now that I'm thinking about Bachelor Pad again, I'm thinking about how Stagliano had his heart broken when Holly married Blake.
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Victoria: she speaks Spanish. The sparks flew.
Bottom line: Rosa

- Lucy: Everyone’s favorite free spirit. She didn’t wear shoes tonight. Because she’s a free spirit. Newsflash, sweetheart: truly free spirits do not feel the need to broadcast their free spirited-ness with lack of shoes… JP called her a Happy Camper. I can't even begin to articulate how severely over Lucy that I am...
Bottom line: Rosa

- Danielle: she gave JP a stuffed bear for Camila, so she got a rose. That’s all I got on her.

- Lauren S: during her intro, I was hollering at the TV: “she’s so normal. WHY DID SHE WHEEL THE PIANO IN IF SHE’S NOT EVEN CRAZY?!”
Bottom line: She forgot to tell him her name, but she still got a rosa.

- Elise: Elise is the first grade teacher whose Dad lives in Pennsylvania. And even though she gave Juan Pablo this graceful announcement that her mother is no longer with us, he chose to ignore it. Or perhaps it sailed right over his head. Either way, when he did find out about her mother, the “sad face” he made was the most inappropriate response to that kind of news that I’ve maybe EVER seen in my life.
Bottom Line: Rosa

- Ashley: Such a good intro with the gold star sticker. Not way over the top, but totally memorable.
Bottom Line: Apparently not memorable enough to get a rosa…

- Alli: oh he is LOVING that she plays soccer.
Bottom line: Rosa (again: the above is ALL that I noted)

- Maggie: South Carolina. I think she was the one who had never been on an airplaine? Oh yep, yep there it is. Now she’s telling him about it…
Bottom Line: Clearly plane trip number two happened… that night. Because she got-uh no rosa.

- Kelly: Kelly’s occupation is “dog lover.” I have nothing more to say.
Bottom line: Rosa

- Alexis: vaguely looks like E. Maynard
Bottom line: Apparently JP doesn’t dig the kind of chick that Brad did, because girl got-uh no rosa.

- Kylie: Why did she do a pink dress with red hair? I don’t even know anything about redheads but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do this… Ohhhhh I would have just walked out, if I were her during that rose ceremony.

- And finally, the wildcard: Sharleen. Sharleen is an opera singer from Canada, and thank GOD she didn’t sing, but she did get the first impression rose. Which she apparently had to heavily consider before accepting? That’s a first. I don’t think she has too long on the show… I’m thinking she’s a bit too classy for Mr. Pablo…

Honestly, I’m not even really sure how I feel about this season, and I don’t think that bodes well. Not that my negative opinion of a season would matter at all, more like: if it’s a crappy season, this commentary won’t be as funny. And as we all know: I only live to entertain the people.

Regardless, in conclusion, I shall leave you with this quote from Amy J: “People don’t always feel you the way that you feel them.” LITERALLY.