...So Does Anybody Know What's Happening On Revenge Right Now?

Cause I was totally ready to watch that, after the inexplicable hour of television I just watched.... 

....Which is saying a lot. 

  

         Can we just get something out of the way? Juan Pablo JUST might be the most un-fan favorite that has ever taken a seat as the next Bachelor. I’m not saying he wasn’t cute and funny on Dez’ season. But was he a show-stopping scene stealer, like Bob Guiney was on Trista’s season? Negative. Here’s my theory: Chris Harrison single-handedly decided that JP was GOING to be the next Bachelor, and then declared it to America during Dez’s Men Tell All, by over-enthusiastically proclaiming that JP was a FAAAAN FAVORITEEE, and somehow America got on the bandwagon. (Who wouldn’t wanna follow any suggestion of Hare’s?)

I think Juan Pablo is cute. I think he's a great Dad. But I would VERY MUCH like to acknowledge that Juan Pablo was BY NO MEANS a fan favorite.

Ok. I feel so much better now that we got that out of the way.

MOVING ON.

Per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Observations:

- JP’s doorbell sound SUCKS. But then he asked for cookies. I guess I won’t hold the doorbell sound against him.

- Ah, it looks like the women fly to Los Angeles on Southwest Airlines. I guess I’m already a prime candidate for the show.

- …So this chick Lucinda is excited… The bacon… the excitement… Wait wait, we’re finding out that she goes by “Lucy” and her occupation is “free spirit.” This is gonna be GOOD.

- I would really, REALLY love for Hare to show up with a rose up at the place of business of one of the girls that was NOT going to be cast on the show, to break the news to her… 

Just kidding.

Kind of. 

- Juan Pablo tells us how he has clearly learned how to distinguish singular and plural nouns. This is great.

- Looks like Camilla is wearing sunscreen on the way to the park. Good move, JP.

- Well clearly JP has never spent ANY time with his Uncle Fredrico, who apparently thought his name was Juan Carlos…

Questions I have:
- Did ABC want to throw away a chunk of change, or is this season SO boring that they chose to make a “Countdown to Juan Pablo”? I mean... what was the POINT of this entire night of television?

- How much is that kayaking girl that yells “pick me to be on the bachelor!” getting sick of watching that same clip of herself?

- Elise, do you just waltz around your huge house looking all made up, lounging in that coral dress? Ok wait why is she in Los Angeles if she’s a… first grade teacher… in Pennsylvania? I’m so confused.

- Juan Pablo does… WHAT with Venezuelan MLB memorabilia?? Two question marks right there.

- What is this rotating monkey-bar/merry-go-ground thing on the playground? Cause it looks like it's a torture-ring for parents, having to lift their kids up on it, at a really awkward angle...

- Remember that time Camilla did a bellyflop, right onto the steps of the pool?

Memorable Quotes:
- Possible contestant: “I was a virgin, actually, until about two weeks ago…” I just... what?

- Juan Pablo's cousin: “DJs, actresses, models, teachers… he’s dated them all…”

Aaaaand that concludes this episode. I think we're done here.