Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Couple that Bungees Together...

Ugh. Where to even begin? I am so deeply over this season. And it’s only episode 3. Which was promised to us last night as “the most exciting episode yet,” by our gracious host…

…It’s episode 3, Hare.

But we won’t hold it against you.

We MIGHT have to hold that RIDICULOUS shirt against you, which you’re wearing as you saunter into the mansion this morning with the date card… I’m so confused by this shirt’s existence. It doesn’t even gently FADE from dark blue into light blue, it just… starkly switches from dark to light fabric.

Pshhh… Who am I kidding? HE could wear THIS and it wouldn’t matter:

Oh… Oh excuse me. I got derailed, talking about Hare’s absurd wardrobe choices, because my lack of investment this season is SO great…

Ahem, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

One on One Date: Cassandra. 
(She's the one that USED to be an NBA dancer)

Let’s be real: I’m kind of shocked that Casio is still here. Sure, she has the fiercest body of any contestant, maybe EVER, but she said approximately 4 words on night one, and by night two, JP was having to provide tubside assistance, because of her breakdown about her kid.

(Can you HEAR my lack of compassion, here?! Even I am almost shocked by my callous words. But these girls… This International el Pollo Loco de la Bachelore… You know how people say they need a partner who brings out the best in them? I NEED A SEASON TO BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME. Cause this season is NOT.)

The date card says “Love is a wild ride…”

NO IT’S NOT, Pollo Loco.

Wait wait WAAAAAIT Casio is 21. TWENTY. ONE. If this were Pride and Prejudice, we’d say she was “not yet two and twenty.” But I’m pretty sure she’d be exiled from town, for having a kid at 19, if Ma Bennett had anything to say about it… 
...Pregnant, you say?

Ohhh and she “hasn’t had a first date since she was 18.” So basically: since last week.

Ok, you got me: the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car was kind of cool. (And yes, JP gets a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang reference, NOT a James Bond one) but I am NOT digging the Disney Channel Original Movie-eque music in the background, right now…

We KNOW it’s your first date in three years, Casio. WE GET IT.

…We also know you had a nose job. (Let’s just put it out there, ok?)

Why Pollo Loco took the time to adjust his shirt sleeves AND his pants, in the middle of this dance interlude in the kitchen … I will never know.


Ok... Her kid is kinda stinkin’ cute. And Camila is… Well, Camila is cuter than Ricky.


Meanwhile, back on the farm…

Elise (whom I still love, because she had the brilliant idea to trade nearly-nude costumes with Free Spirit Lucy last week) is telling Rene about her Mama… “It was an incredible feeling, to find this letter after she passed away…” WHERE SHE SAID THAT ALL SHE EVER WANTED IN LIFE WAS FOR ME TO BE ON THIS SHOW. Ohhhhh no. Elise believes that the sun shining right now is her Mom, and that she’s put her in a castle with the perfect guy… I am not making that up. Those are literally her words.

Group Date:
Carly Rae, Rene, Sharleen, Danielle, Ali, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki are going to “kick it” with Pollo Loco…

Pardon the interjection, but I can’t hear “kick it” without thinking of Enchanted, when Idina Menzel shows up at Patrick Dempsey’s door and says to his daughter, “Hey girlfriend. Ready to kick it?”

Kick what?

Nanny Ali is apparently a secret Mia Hamm, meanwhile Carly Rae has apparently never touched a soccer ball in her life. Ohhhh cue the Bachelor struggle music right now, as the girls try to kick the balls around, before the big game…

Anyone remember the volleyball date, on Sean’s season? (Hint: It was the competitive date where they WEREN’T milking goats…) It was that episode (only 3 or 4 weeks in, if I recall correctly) that I knew that Dez and Catherine must be going really far in the season, because we kept seeing clips of just those two girls, talking about that volleyball game, except they were standing on a beach that was very clearly NOT Los Angeles, and Catherine was wearing an entirely different bathing suit.

…Now that I have finished my useless mockery of the poor work of the ABC editor, I shall conclude with: THANK HEAVEN this wasn’t one of those competitive Bachelor dates. (Anyone remember Blakely crying, after the baseball game? ANYONE?! Ugh. May her failed engagement to Tony rest in pieces…)

The blue team did a great job re-creating a Remember the Titans-esque entrance to the stadium, but the red team was… not as graceful… They went for a strut, and obviously we have Bachelor Intern Jacob to thank for the mess that ensued, because he had clearly told them that they would be edited to look like something other  than a team of tweens that was entering the arena at the Disney Channel Olympic Games, circa 2008. They genuinely looked as though they thought that if they walked the right way, it would turn to slow motion, and “Eye of the Tiger” would start playing… FAIL.

Although no contestant will ever come CLOSE to MyBestFriendLesley, on Sean’s season, Nikki is certainly in the running to be my top choice, this season. She bars NO hold on her neuroses and intensity, as she talks to Pollo Loco right now, and I’m NOT upset about it…

Andi and Pollo Loco venture into a concession stand together… I mean, apparently the only thing Andi is interested in cooking in that kitchen is… Juan Pablo’s tongue… YEAH I SAID IT.

Sharleen won’t EVER be in the running, because she’s just my top choice in LIFE, not for this show, and I canNOT get over how one minute, she’s Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and in the next is an awkward 16 year old… 
Is he amiable?

Wait, what is HAPPENING with this kissing, right now?!!? Waaaaait, wait wait wait whyyyyyyy howwwwww I don’t understandddddd. Nikki got the rose, but I’M STILL REELING FROM WHATEVER HAPPENED WHEN SHARLEEN'S LIPS DROP-TACKLED POLLO LOCO'S…

One on One date: Chelsie

Let’s start this off with a quote from Elise,“I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.” Elise is very quickly losing momentum as one of my favorites, because she WON’T shut up about how young Chelsie is. Hey Elise, at the mature, ripe old age of 27, haven’t you figured out how to insult people, by now? Cause if Chelsie’s age is the only thing you have whereupon to remark, CAN IT.

I can’t help but feel an OUNCE (one single ounce) of sympathy for Chelsie, having to put up with JP’s car jam… You know when you’re with a friend, who is SO into whatever song or video they’re playing, and you JUST couldn’t care ANY less? We saw Chelsie experience this with his music, and if I were a betting woman, I’d say she did it with the food, too.

Ugh. Have I given my spiel about adrenaline dates, yet? I feel like I have, but we’ll review, for the students who walked in late.

But before I begin, let’s keep one thing in mind: this has absolutely NOTHING to do with whether or not Chelsie trusts JP, it has to do with WHETHER OR NOT SHE TRUSTS THE BUNGEE CORDS. But I will say… as I watch her cry like a little girl… I can’t help but feel like JP is only good at consoling her and coaxing her into doing it, because he’s probably spent many a night coaxing Camila to stop hogging the covers and go back to her own bed…

…So does he want another daughter?

I can see it now, Camila saying, “That is so sweet, Dad! You want to adopt Meredith Chelsie!”
"Me... or them?" 

Ok, Adrenaline Date Spiel:
For the record, I didn't get this out of Cosmo, I learned this in a 400 level Psych class: “The Psychology of Romantic Relationships” (where I may or may not have frequently referenced this show…) Bottom line: on an adrenaline-charged date, people mistake the thrill of adrenaline for the thrill of attraction. Pure and simple. Exhibit a) Jillian Harris’ zipline date with Ed. Exhibit b) Jake Pavelka’s bungee jumping date with Vienna.

Case closed.

In Baby Chelsie’s defense, I will say that aside from when Emily Maynard tried to get Luke Bryan to be a contestant on her season, Billy Currington JUST might be the first concert that has been actually recognized by a contestant… (I’m sure Josh Rachet’s iTunes sales went through the roof, after his appearance, but the key word is after.)

Cocktail Pool Party

Sure, I applaud JP’s desire to see the women in their pee-yamas, without makeup, although Claire 100% pulled a Kristen-Wiig-At-The-Beginning-Of-Bridesmaids, before walking down the stairs, just now… 
Cue: “Ohmigah I’m so embarrassed right now, my hair is so perfectly tousled, I’m like, blushing.”

Lucy’s response to the news of Pollo Loco in the kitchen: “Does that mean I have to put clothes on? Raaahhhhh.”
…I don’t hate you right now, Lucinda.

Let me take a moment to point out two of Claire’s favorite things:
1) Juan Pablo.
2) His smokin’ hot bod.
I didn’t know they were two separate things, Claire…

True life: I’m housesitting this week, and can’t say that I’m entirely familiar with the operation of the NOT-poor-people-cable that this family has, so the recording cut out at this point, inexplicably, and quite irretrievably. (Well, sure, I could suffer through the commercials again, OnDemand, or wade through that bizarre login you have to do on ABC now, but truthfully… I JUST. DON’T. CARE. enough to do so.) I asked colleagues this morning who went home, and they replied, “The free spirit and… some blonde chick, that we didn’t even really see at all during the episode…” To which I replied: “Oh the one that wore the white dress on the first night, who had on WAY too much self-tanner?”

Apparently Claire cried ‘cause Pollo Loco kissed Sharleen, but from the looks of that first kiss, it’s a toss up as to whether Claire was crying because she was jealous, or crying because Sharleen’s kissing is THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE, ANYWHERE.

And finally… what IS becoming juicier by the week… our verbal faux pas section, from El Pollo Loco International de la Bachelore:

- About Casio, he remarked: “She feels comfortable with myself.”
- When BabyChels was trying to pull herself together, pre-bungee jump, she told him that she needed to take a second… He consoled her in hushed tones with, “Take as much seconds as you want”
- After BabyChels took the plunge, Pollo Loco said, “I’m proud of you.” To which BC responded with, “I’m proud of YOU. I’m proud of you for talking me off that ledge…” So clearly BC has never opened a book before, because she has yet to learn that “talking someone off a ledge” is exactly the OPPOSITE of what Pollo Loco did. If those words had come out of the mouth of Lady Catherine, AKA Sharleen, I might believe that they were a play on words… However, out of the mouth of Baby Chelsie… I hope that Elise reads this, so that she may find validation about the conclusion that she reached about BC’s age (and saw fit to share with us OVER AND OVER) after her VAST amounts of in-depth research and detective work…

I shall close with this gem from BabyChels:
“If we can jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much get through anything…”

Post Script: I’m sort of maybe perhaps a LITTLE apologetic, for the aggressive nature of this post… Barely.

That is all. 

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