Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Heaven in a Bottle...

Things I have to say:

Not that ANYONE cares, but this post is obviously delayed. This week has been insane. Google "fire on the PCH 1/14/14" if you need a visual aid. Even though all hell broke loose, here's a silver lining: I was at school last night, talking to a random Dad about the CRAZY FIRE that was raging, and how traffic was nuts, yada yada... 
I finally couldn't stop myself from asking him, 

"I'm sorry, but are you... who I think you are?" 

Random Dad: Well I don't know...

Grace: Are you... Special Agent Peter Burke, on White Collar?

...I was talking to THIS guy:

(And yes... that guy's costar is THIS guy...)

Anyway, Tim DeKay is just the nicest, we made jokes about the 405, and I find him FAR more fascinating than a one Juan Pablo. 

Per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

One on One Date: Claire 
She’s the girl with the Deceased Daddy DVD. 
Those words are not to be mocking, they are all completely valid.

Here’s what happened: JP pulled a Christian Grey and blindfolded Claire to take her to a “winter wonderland.” Whether or not it was even cold at said wonderland remains to be seen.

Thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey, for making a blindfold AUTOMATICALLY KINKY, as opposed to… I don't know, spontaneous, perhaps?
This is apparently the most dramatic night of Claire’s life, EVER. She has NO IDEA where they are going. Like, NONE. No idea. Zero. 
- Please don’t talk about your Dad, Claire. Please DO NOT do it while you’re massaging Juan Pablo. Not while you’re shoving the skin around on his back. Stoooooop.
- When we realized that there was a good ole Bachelor “private concert” going on, everyone in the room threw out bets about who was going to be playing…
Johnny: Kelly Rowland!
Grace: Daniel Powter. He had a bad day. 
Carolyn: Oh look, it’s Josh Rachet, the son of the producer!
...I think we're done here. 

Questions I have:
- Is it just me, or did Claire reveal WAY too much about how she DOESN’T GET OUT MUCH, just now? I'm pretty sure she said something akin to "I haven't been on a... REAL... DATE... in like... EVER." 
- Did we start the episode late or am I correct in my understanding that we did NOT see Claire get a date card?

Memorable Quotes:
- Claire gushed: “He smells like heaven in a bottle.”
........I would LOVE to know what that smells like. There are so many directions in which that one could go... 
“This is a fairytale right now. And I’m like, living in it right now.”
....I will not dignify this quotation with any more commentary. 
- More gushing from Claire: "JP makes me feel like… a kid again." Then we hear JP's voiceover saying, "I think Claire is...cute."
True love. We're on our way to TRUE. LOVE.
- Claire gushed (again) to JP, “You taste like snow…” Which can only mean one thing... Juan Pablo has been drinking.... He's been drinking hot tub water.

One On One Date: Kat 
She’s the one who looks like a poor man’s Brooklyn Decker. Kind of.
Here’s what happened: They went to a rave. That was apparently also a 5k. 
Oh, and before Kat got the date card, Free Spirited Lucy walked around the mansion, topless. Andi remarked: “It was only a matter of time before those boobs popped out from that bikini…” They didn’t 'pop out,' Andi, they were just OUT.

Kat gets on a private plane and somehow thinks they’re going to Miami. KAT, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIME ZONES YOU HAVE TO CROSS, TO GET TO MIAMI?!

Questions I have:
- (before the date) I mean, Carly Rae Jepson and this dog thing, where she walks around with her dog all the time... Do NONE of the girls in the mansion have dog allergies? 

Memorable Quotes:
- "Electric blue running shoes." THANK YOU. Kayla. Kayla, girlfriend of Bachelor Intern Jacob was 100% responsible for these, I know it. 
- Kat gushed, “He’s someone that I would... chase after in the streets…” WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?!
When we were watching the date that was a rave that was a 5k that was a rave that was a date, my roommate Carolyn remarked, "For some reason, I just had this vision of him…. On the group date… Where he gets stabbed."

I'll leave you with that. 

Group Date: Too many bimbos to mention.
 Here’s what happened: they did a photoshoot for the pound. And since we all know this is the FIRST SEASON EVER where NO ONE is allergic to dogs, there were dogs all over the place. That is, actual dogs, as well as Carly Rae Jepson dressed up AS a dog... But her occupation is dog-lover, so whatever. 

- Carly Rae doesn’t know if it’s going to be a photoshoot, or eating cheese, but she's pretty good at both… And now she's in a bald cap... And now she's saying she looks like a giraffe. Too bad she's not a giraffe lover. 
- JP has “brought in” (THE PRODUCERS BROUGHT IN) an artistic director, who has a blue gotee. Let’s just… that.
- I mean, Andi. HONEY. I want to like you. I do. But WHY are we having such a freak out about the outfit? Is this actually an issue right now? Here's what I would do: pile the the clothes of EVERY SINGLE GIRL THERE onto myself, and put the sign on top of THAT. 
ELISE GETTING LUCY TO WEAR THE SIGNS. YES. I SAY YES TO THIS. So innovative. I want her to be my kid's second grade teacher now. 
Lucy is… Lucy is walking around Los Angeles... Wearing nothing. Legit NOTHING. Why is she even here? 
- My friends were giving me a hard time about how I wouldn't shut up about Camila's handwriting, to which I replied, "HER DOT ON THE "i" IS TOO BIG AND HER DAD THINKS IT'S A JOKE. THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM."

....Let me tell you why I felt that I had the authority to speak about this...
Here are some snapshots of the homework that I graded, over the weekend, no joke:
This student saw fit to draw their own star on their best letter... 
Still not in the Camila League, this student also felt the need to point out their strongest letter...

Maybe Camila is in my class. Maybe she's not. 

- Carly Rae's hair and face have recovered shockingly well from the… whatever costume she had on.
- Sweet Mama Rene crawled under the bathroom stall door to fetch Victoria… And even had the wherewithal to stuff a pashmina under there, so they wouldn’t have to sit on the floor…
Dog-loving Carly Rae got the date rose, even though I’d wager that Andi was a bit of a better sport than a bald giraffe…
- It’s just a toss-up, as to who looks worse, this morning: Victoria or JP. They both look rough. She tries to pass it off as a Brazilian thing, and Juan Pablo’s puffy facial expressions were besieging her to get to an AA meeting, yesterday

Memorable Quotes:
- Before she stripped down for the pound, Andi (you guessed it) GUSHED: “I would say Juan Pablo has a knack for melting troubles away…” Or melting CLOTHES away…
- Producer Elan Gale (the one who live tweeted his hilarious (yet very much hoaxed) airline fight, over Thanksgiving) told Victoria, “For your safety, I cannot let you leave right now…” Hearing this, Victoria goes back to her safe place… The bathroom... She just might be having the HARDEST time that ANYONE has EVER had on this show… (That includes Jenna, the crazy blogger, from Ben's season...) 

Questions I have:
 - Why are these women praising JP's  “caring and compassionate” behavior towards Victoria… when he said that he was going to stay and wait for her outside and… didn’t?

And when he returned to her the next morning, we heard him say, “I’m 32 years old, with a daughter, so the right thing to do right now for my family… is to not wait till the rose ceremony…” 
Well played, sir. I will give you fifteen points for this. Those are your first class-act points this season. 

Nothing noteworthy about the cocktail party, except:

-Clearly Local News Reporter Amy knows she’s going home, and is making a last ditch effort to get a job. Or she sat around in the mansion by herself all day, the day before, and had plenty of time to rehearse this spiel/interview of JP. Or probably a little bit of both. 

Roses went to:

And finally... Our good ole verbal faux pas comes to us from Claire, this week, with: 

But as Amy J. learned the hard way last week, people don't always feel you in the same way that you feel them... 

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